My Wife and Kids (2001) s01e06 Episode Script
Working It
1 HELLO! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! HELP ME! CLAIRE'S TRYIN' TO KILL ME! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE RUNT! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-- YOU'RE GONNA WHAT? SHE WAS USING MY BOBBI BROWN EYELINER TO DRAW WITH.
I WAS COLORING AND I NEEDED TO MAKE THE MONSTER UGLY.
IT WORKS FOR CLAIRE.
GET BACK NOW! STOP IT! NOW, WHA DID YOUR DADDY TELL YOU ABOUT GOING THROUGH YOUR SISTER'S THINGS? DON'T GET CAUGHT? HE DID! GO UPSTAIRS.
YOU OVER HERE.
CLAIRE, YOU ARE 12 YEARS OLD.
YOUR SISTER JUST TURNED 5.
I DON'T WANT YOU THREATENING HER LIFE FOR AT LEAS ANOTHER THREE YEARS.
CAN I GO NOW? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? NOTHING! DON'T TELL ME NOTHING.
YOU'VE BEEN IN A FUNKY MOOD FOR DAYS.
I AM 12 YEARS OLD, AND YOU KEEP TREATING ME LIKE I'M A LITTLE KID.
OKAY, I'M LOST.
DID I NO JUST TELL YOU TO ACT LIKE AN ADUL WITH YOUR SISTER? DO YOU KNOW THA EVERYBODY IN MY CLASS HAS A 9:00 WEEKEND CURFEW? AND I HAVE TO BE IN BY 7:00 LIKE I'M A CHILD.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE A CHILD, AREN'T YA, CLAIRE? HEY.
HOW Y'ALL DOIN'? HI, DADDY! WHAT? NO HUGS? NO KISS? NO BACKFLIPS? I'M SORRY, DADDY.
MMM! NOW I FEEL LOVED.
Claire: SO DO I.
I LOVE YOU, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.
HOW ABOUT ME? BYE.
WHAT ABOU MY OTHER GIRL? COME ON.
THERE'S ROOM LEFT.
STAY AWAY FROM ME.
WHAT? I CAN'T GET A HUG? NO.
CAN I SQUEEZE YOUR BUTT? NO! WHY NOT? BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OH, THEY'RE MY CHILDREN NOW? YEAH, WHEN THEY AC LIKE THIS, THEY ARE.
COME ON, BABY.
GIVE ME A HUG.
NO, MICHAEL, I DON'T WANT TO.
WHY NOT? BECAUSETHEY LOOK JUST LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE MATTER? OKAY.
WELL, I CAN'T SEEM TO TELL LITTLE MISS ATTITUDE ANYTHING.
SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS IT ALL.
AND LOOK.
LOOK WHA CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.
YOUR SON'S LATEST TEST SCORES.
WOW, A 61.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
NO, NO, BABY, NO.
NO, NO.
19? OUT OF 100? WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE WRONG WITH THAT BOY, MICHAEL? HE'S GONNA HAVE TO GE AN "A" ON HIS ALGEBRA FINAL JUST SO HE CAN AVOID SUMMER SCHOOL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE HE'S DOIN' HIS BEST.
I'M SORRY.
IF HE WERE DOIN' HIS BEST, HE'D GE HIGHER THAN A 19.
NOT IF HE'S STUPID.
HE'S NOT STUPID.
I'M NOT TALKIN' GEORGE W.
STUPID.
YOU KNOW, I WAS TERRIBLE AT MATH.
I HAVE A G.
E.
D.
I DIDN' EVEN FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.
I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I JUST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE BOY CAN'T LEARN.
I JUST THINK HE NEEDS TO BE MOTIVATED.
WHAT? WE TOOK THE TELEVISION OUT HIS ROOM.
HE CAN'T GO OU ON SCHOOL NIGHTS.
WE EVEN TOOK ALL THE LOTION OUT THE BATHROOM.
I MEAN WHAT ELSE IS THERE? MICHAEL, ONE OF US IS GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.
ONE OF US, HUH? MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CALL IT.
HEADS.
GOOD LUCK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M JUST KEEPIN' IN PRACTICE.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY EDGE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MATH EDGE? WHAT ABOUT IT? WHAT ABOU DEVELOPING ONE? IT'S NOT REALLY MY BAG.
IT'S TOO TOUGH.
YEAH, SEE, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOUR MOM.
SHE THINKS IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT MOTIVATED, BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT VERY BRIGHT.
YOU GOT IT, DAD.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? HOW? BECAUSE I BET IF I OFFERED YOU A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GET AN "A" ON YOUR ALGEBRA FINAL, IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
IT WOULDN'T? NO.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ALREADY DOIN' YOUR BEST, AND YOU CAN'T DO BETTER THAN YOUR BEST.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD TRY A LITTLE HARDER.
YOU THINK? HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? I COULD TRY TO FIND MY TEXTBOOK.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE? THERE'S NO HUR IN TRYING.
GOOD.
WHY YOU DOIN' THIS, DAD? WELL, SON, YOUR FAILURE AT ALGEBRA IS STARTING TO AFFECT MY LIFE.
IT'S MAKING YOUR MOTHER VERY UNHAPPY, AND WHEN SHE'S UNHAPPY, I'M UNHAPPY, 'CAUSE MR.
HAPPY AIN'T GETTIN' HAPPY.
OKAY? SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA KEEP THIS DEAL TO OURSELVES, AND YOU'RE GONNA APPLY YOURSELF.
OKAY? OKAY.
NOW I'M GONNA PRETEND TO YELL AT YOU, AND YOU ACT LIKE I RAKED YOU OVER THE COALS.
Michael: THESE GRADES ARE UNACCEPTABLE, MICHAEL RICHARD KYLE! NOW, YOU GE YOUR ACT TOGETHER, OR I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR ACT IN HALF! YOU UNDERSTAND ME? [DOOR SLAMS.]
HI, BABY.
HOW WAS DANCE CLASS? OKAY.
DID YOU LEARN ANY NEW STEPS? NO.
MONEY WELL SPENT.
I HAVE TO GO WORK ON MY SCIENCE PROJECT.
OH, I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
NO THANKS.
Michael: HEY! I'M HOME! DADDY! HEY, BABY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? DADDY, IT WAS GREAT.
I LEARNED THIS NEW STEP AT DANCE CLASS, AND I HAVE THIS AWESOME SCIENCE PROJECT.
REALLY? COULD YOU HELP ME WITH IT? I'D LOVE TO.
COOL.
UH, YOU GO AHEAD, CLAIRE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE A FEW THINGS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.
I LOVE YOU, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.
THAT'S A GREAT KID, HUH? YEAH, WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP.
I LIKED HER BETTER THE FIRST NINE MONTHS WHEN SHE COULDN'T TALK.
DID YOU SEE HER SHOVE ME OUT OF THE WAY JUST SO SHE COULD GET TO YOU FIRST? YEAH, IF YOU'D HAVE BOXED HER OUT.
YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO POST UP.
I CAN'T TALK TO HER LATELY, MICHAEL.
IT'S LIKE I'M CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER.
WAH WAH WAH-WAH WAH-WAH-WAH WAH.
AND I KNOW SHE HEARS ME TALKIN'.
JUST THE WORDS AREN' GETTING THROUGH, MICHAEL.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY A MORE INDIRECT APPROACH? DO SOMETHING FUN WITH HER.
TAKE HER SHOPPING, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN IF YOU GO SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT, JUST CASUALLY BRING IT UP.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD IDEA.
UHHELLO! I'M ONLY HER DAD.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.
DO YOU KNOW THAT JUNIOR HAS BEEN LOCKED UP IN HIS ROOM WITH HIS TEXTBOOK SINCE HE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL? [CHUCKLING.]
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM? HEY, I CAN'T GIVE AWAY MY SECRE MOTIVATIONAL TECHNIQUES.
COME ON, MICHAEL, STOP PLAYIN'.
I'M LIKE THE BLACK TONY ROBBINS.
[LAUGHING.]
PLEASE.
I'M TONY TONI TONE ROBBINS.
DADDY, I WANT THE THOUSAND-DOLLAR DEAL, TOO WHAT? BABY, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT WAS THAT? DADDY'S GIVING JUNIOR $1,000 IF HE GETS A "A.
" SECRET MOTIVATIONAL TECHNIQUES? COME ON, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL IF IT WORKS? THE BIG DEAL-- THE BIG DEAL, MICHAEL, IS IT'S JUST WRONG.
HE SHOULD WANT TO DO WELL WITHOUT MONEY AS AN INCENTIVE.
WHY? BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LEARN MATH FOR THE LOVE OF LEARNING.
WHY? SO HE CAN GET A GOOD JOB.
AND WHY? SO HE CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
I REST MY CASE.
NO! DON'T TWIST THIS.
BRIBING HIM IS NOT THE WAY TO GET HIM TO ACHIEVE.
LOOK, BABY, HERE'S HOW I SEE IT.
YOU PAY HIM THE FIRST TIME, AND THEN ONCE HE REALIZES HE CAN DO IT, HE'S SE HIS OWN STANDARDS.
NOW HE HAS NO EXCUSES.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I'M TOTALLY AGAINST IT.
DID I TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK TODAY? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? WHEN YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LIKE THA-- OH, MY GOD.
REALLY? LIKE THIS? STOP IT.
OW! OW! YOU LIKE I WHEN I DO LIKE THAT? OOH! IT IS SO SEXY.
OH, BABY.
FIX THIS THING WITH JUNIOR AND YA MIGH SEE IT AGAIN! HEY.
I'M NOT INTERRUPTIN' YOUR STUDIES, AM I? NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? DAD, I FEEL LIKE THE STUPIDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.
IT'S LIKE THE INFORMATION GETS TO MY BRAIN AND IT JUST STOPS.
I MEAN, I CAN' GET IT PAST MY EYES.
AND I HATE DISAPPOINTING YOU AND MOM, BUT ALGEBRA'S A MYSTERY TO ME.
I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SON.
I DIDN'T GET IT, EITHER.
I WAS NEVER GOOD AT MATH.
SO WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I'VE GOT FINALS COMIN' UP.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO TAKE ONE MORE STAB AT TRYING TO UNLOCK THA ALGEBRA DOOR INSIDE YOUR HEAD.
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY LIVES BEHIND THE ALGEBRA DOOR.
YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT, BUT IF MONEY DOESN'T MOTIVATE YOU, THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER THING THAT MIGHT.
HI.
I'M DANIELLE, THE TUTOR.
YOU MUST BE JUNIOR.
OH, HI, DANIELLE.
HI, MICHAEL.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THIS IS MY WIFE, JANICE.
DANIELLE.
HI.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
SO, UH, MICHAEL, WHERE DO YOU KNOW DANIELLE FROM? REMEMBER MY OLD MATH TEACHER, MISS JACKSON? THIS IS HER DAUGHTER.
OH! OH.
MY MOTHER STILL COUNTS YOU AS HER BIGGEST FAILURE.
YEAH, WELL, SHE TRIED BEATING MATH INTO ME.
AND EVEN THOUGH I NEVER LEARNED IT, SHE NEVER GAVE UP, AND SHE ALWAYS GAVE ME MY PRIDE.
WELL, I PLAN TO GIVE I TO LITTLE JUNIOR.
UNH! SO, UM, WHERE SHOULD WE DO IT? HUH? THE TUTORING, WHERE CAN WE WORK? HOW ABOUT MY ROOM? HOW ABOUT NOT? THE KITCHEN MIGHT BE BETTER SUITED.
DANIELLE, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? NO, THANKS.
I'M FINE.
OH, YES, YOU ARE.
Danielle: WELL, UH, IT'S LET'S GET TO WORK.
HEY.
STUDY HARD, SON.
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR? OUR SON NEEDS HELP IN ALGEBRA, NOT WONDERBRA.
COME ON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE EXTRA MOTIVATION? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THE BETTER-LOOKING YOUR TEACHER IS THE HARDER YOU WORK? HELL, YES.
LOOK AT MY SPANISH TEACHER, MISS ESCOVEL.
MAN, SHE HAD A BODY.
TALK ABOUT A BUTT.
HER BUTT WAS SO NICE, JENNIFER LOPEZ'S BUT WOULD LOOK AT I AND GO, "HOT DAMN, THAT'S A BIG ASS!" I NEVER FORGOT SPANISH.
YOU KNOW WHY? WHY? SU BUSTO ENORME ME ENCANTABA.
WHAT DID THAT MEAN? I WAS ENCHANTED BY HER ENORMOUS BREASTS.
Janet: HEY, JUNIOR, STOP PLAYIN' WITH YOUR FOOD.
I'M NOT PLAYING.
I'M GOIN' OVER MY ALGEBRA FORMULAS.
REALLY? LET'S CHECK THE PROGRESS.
LET'S SEE.
IF MINUS 5 TIMES 7 PLUS "R" MINUS 4 EQUALS NEGATIVE 30, WHAT DOES "R" EQUAL? HMPH! THAT RIGHT? YEAH.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
AREN'T YOU GONNA BE A LITTLE EARLY FOR SCHOOL? I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TO GET THERE TILL THE VERY LAST MINUTE.
WELL, I GOTTA STOP AND PICK UP A LITTLE SOMETHIN' FOR DANIELLE.
YOU KNOW, FOR HELPIN' ME OUT.
ISN'T THIS GREAT? HE'S LEARNING ALGEBRA.
HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT WOMAN, MICHAEL.
NO, IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH.
DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT, MICHAEL? LOOK, IF IT HELPS HIM WITH THE ALGEBRA, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? OH, SO THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, MY SON PASSIN' ALGEBRA.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF MY SON GETS HIS HEART BROKEN ALONG THE WAY.
LOOK, YOU SAID YOU WAN HIM TO DO WELL IN MATH.
HE'S DOING WELL IN MATH.
THERE'S A TRADEOFF.
THE GOOD NEWS IS HE'S GONNA PASS HIS ALGEBRA FINAL.
YEAH, BUT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
SOME OF THE GREATEST SUCCESS STORIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN BECAUSE SOME GUY WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
IS THAT RIGHT? YEAH.
LOOK AT HENRY FORD.
HE INVENTED THE AUTOMOBILE SO HE COULD PICK UP CHICKS.
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS RIDING AROUND ON A STINKIN' HORSE.
HE'D PULL UP IN A BRAND-NEW SHINY AUTOMOBILE, HE SAYS, BEEP BEEP, "HEY, BABY, YOU WANT A RIDE? "I'LL GET YOU THERE IN HALF THE TIME.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO SMELL HORSE BUTT ALL THE WAY.
" [LAUGHING.]
THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT? ACTUALLY, IT IS.
YOU KNOW, I WISH I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS KIND OF STUFF WITH MY MOTHER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU? WELL, BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY BEING HOSTILE AND ANGRY TOWARDS HER AND DIDN' EVEN KNOW WHY.
ALL I KNEW WAS EVERYTHING SHE SAID AND EVERYTHING SHE DID WAS WRONG.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
SEE, BUT THE WAY SHE HANDLED IT WAS TO WHUP MY BUTT, WHICH I PROBABLY WOULDN'T DO TO YOU, 'CAUSE OF ALL THESE WITNESSES.
LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.
I BARELY SPOKE TO MY MOTHER FOR SEVEN YEARS.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYIN' THAT WE NEED TO BE ALL LOVEY-DOVEY AND ALL THAT, BUT I WANT US TO BE CIVIL TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER.
LOOK AT ME, CLAIRE.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE.
WELL, MOM, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING IT ON PURPOSE.
IT'S JUST, IT'S A LOT OF STUFF GOIN' ON THAT I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND.
CLAIRE, TRY ME.
EVERYTHING'S CHANGING, MOM.
I MEAN, SOME OF MY FRIENDS STILL ACT LIKE THEY'RE LITTLE KIDS, AND SOME OF THEM ARE PRETENDING TO BE GROWNUPS, AND I'M JUS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
CLAIRE, I'VE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOIN'.
LOOK, PRETTY SOON, YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE PRETENDING TO BE GROWN UP.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT WON'T CHANGE.
I'LL ALWAYS BE ON YOUR SIDE.
BUT, MOM, YOU'RE THE PERSON THAT'S ALWAYS SAYING NO TO ME.
THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, CLAIRE.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
WELL, IS THERE ANYTHING WE'RE EVER GONNA AGREE ON? OH, HI, HONEY.
HEY, DADDY.
Claire: HILARIOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I SAY WE DO THIS EVERY WEEK.
COOL.
NEXT WEEK, LET'S TRY PINK.
PINK?! YES, PINK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT PINK.
TWO TRAINS LEAVE CHICAGO AND NEW YORK MOVING TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
I'M ON THE TRAIN FROM CHICAGO, AND WE'RE MOVING AT 40 MILES AN HOUR.
YOU'RE ON THE TRAIN FROM NEW YORK.
IT'S TRAVELING AT 60 MILES AN HOUR.
THE DISTANCE BETWEEN CHICAGO AND NEW YORK IS 1,000 MILES.
HOW LONG AFTER-- 10 HOURS.
YOU ARE GONNA ACE THAT FINAL EXAM TOMORROW.
THANKS TO YOU.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL DONE HERE.
DONE? OH, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE TRAINS GET TO THE STATION, AND I GET OFF MY TRAIN AND YOU GET OFF YOUR TRAIN? WHAT, WE JUST GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS? THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
JUNIOR, YOU KNOW AS MUCH ABOUT ALGEBRA AS I CAN TEACH YOU.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S SO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO LEARN LIKE [DEEP VOICE.]
WHAT TYPE OF GUYS DO YOU LIKE, BABY? I LIKE SMART GUYS, JUNIOR.
THE KIND OF GUY YOU'RE GONNA BE IF YOU APPLY YOURSELF.
BUT I WANT TO APPLY MYSELF TO YOU, DANIELLE.
I LOVE YOU, AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
OH, JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
NO, NO! THAT'S THE TONE MY GRANDMOTHER USES.
SEE? I LOVE YOU.
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.
I MEAN IT'S NOT ME YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH.
IT'S LEARNING, AND THAT'S A WONDERFUL PASSION.
DON'T LOSE IT.
OH, I FEEL PASSION EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOU.
WALK ME TO THE DOOR.
I CAN'T.
YOU ARE A VERY SWEE AND VERY SMART BOY, JUNIOR.
GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, CLASS, YOU'LL HAVE ONE HOUR TO COMPLETE THIS EXAM.
SOME OF YOU WILL GE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A SECOND STAB AT IT THIS SUMMER.
YOU MAY BEGIN NOW.
["LOVE'S THEME" BY THE LOVE UNLIMITED ORCHESTRA PLAYS.]
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OH, MAN.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU FAILED YOUR TEST.
NO, I ACED IT.
GET OUT OF HERE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
SON, I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT.
THANKS, DAD.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HIS HEAR WAS GONNA BE BROKEN.
YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU HE'D LEARN ALGEBRA.
I HATE SEEIN' HIM LIKE THIS, MICHAEL.
YEAH, WELL, I HATE SEEIN' HIM LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? LIFE IS TOUGH.
AND IF HE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT HIMSELF AND IT TOOK A LITTLE HURT TO GET THERE, THEN SO BE IT.
WELL, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO PULL OFF ALL THIS TOUGH LOVE STUFF, BUT I'M HIS MOTHER, AND I HATE TO SEE MY BOY IN PAIN.
ALL RIGHT.
CALL IT.
TAILS.
HA HA HA HA! HEE HEE! HOW DO YOU DO THAT? WHOO! SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY HEE HEE! LIFE SON, THERE'S MORE WORDS TO THE SONG THAN "SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE.
" NOT TO ME THERE AREN'T.
LOOK, I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURTING.
DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
YES, I DO.
I KIND OF FIGURED THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THEN WHY DID YOU INTRODUCE ME TO HER? WHAT, YOU COULDN'T FIND SOME OLD, FAT LADY WITH A MUSTACHE AND BODY ODOR? YEAH, BUT YOUR MOTHER'S SISTER WAS UNAVAILABLE.
AND YOU PROBABLY WOULDN' HAVE LEARNED ALGEBRA, AND YOU SURE WOULDN'T HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE A MAN.
I HAVEN'T LEARNED HOW TO BE A MAN.
YES, YOU DID.
SEE, A MAN HAS TO LEARN TO CONTROL HIS EMOTIONS, BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GONNA FALL FOR A WOMAN HE CAN'T HAVE.
TELL ME THE TRUTH, DAD.
DO YOU THINK I'D EVER HAVE A SHOT WITH DANIELLE? TRUTH? YEAH.
NO.
BUT I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.
I'M PROUD OF MY BOY 'CAUSE I KNOW HE WASN' SITTIN' IN FRONT OF HER WHININ' TO HER, "I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" NO, I WOULDN'T DO NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.
GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WITH MISS ESCOVEL.
OH, MAN.
I MADE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
SHE LAUGHED AND TOLD THE WHOLE CLASS.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER FORGOT SPANISH.
YOU KNOW WHY? TE AMO.
NO PUEDO VIVIR SIN USTED.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? [CRYING.]
I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I DON'T KNOW THE LINE.
Director: ACTION! I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE BOY CAN'T LEARN.
Director: CUT.
I WAS COLORING AND I NEEDED TO MAKE THE MONSTER UGLY.
IT WORKS FOR CLAIRE.
GET BACK NOW! STOP IT! NOW, WHA DID YOUR DADDY TELL YOU ABOUT GOING THROUGH YOUR SISTER'S THINGS? DON'T GET CAUGHT? HE DID! GO UPSTAIRS.
YOU OVER HERE.
CLAIRE, YOU ARE 12 YEARS OLD.
YOUR SISTER JUST TURNED 5.
I DON'T WANT YOU THREATENING HER LIFE FOR AT LEAS ANOTHER THREE YEARS.
CAN I GO NOW? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? NOTHING! DON'T TELL ME NOTHING.
YOU'VE BEEN IN A FUNKY MOOD FOR DAYS.
I AM 12 YEARS OLD, AND YOU KEEP TREATING ME LIKE I'M A LITTLE KID.
OKAY, I'M LOST.
DID I NO JUST TELL YOU TO ACT LIKE AN ADUL WITH YOUR SISTER? DO YOU KNOW THA EVERYBODY IN MY CLASS HAS A 9:00 WEEKEND CURFEW? AND I HAVE TO BE IN BY 7:00 LIKE I'M A CHILD.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE A CHILD, AREN'T YA, CLAIRE? HEY.
HOW Y'ALL DOIN'? HI, DADDY! WHAT? NO HUGS? NO KISS? NO BACKFLIPS? I'M SORRY, DADDY.
MMM! NOW I FEEL LOVED.
Claire: SO DO I.
I LOVE YOU, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.
HOW ABOUT ME? BYE.
WHAT ABOU MY OTHER GIRL? COME ON.
THERE'S ROOM LEFT.
STAY AWAY FROM ME.
WHAT? I CAN'T GET A HUG? NO.
CAN I SQUEEZE YOUR BUTT? NO! WHY NOT? BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OH, THEY'RE MY CHILDREN NOW? YEAH, WHEN THEY AC LIKE THIS, THEY ARE.
COME ON, BABY.
GIVE ME A HUG.
NO, MICHAEL, I DON'T WANT TO.
WHY NOT? BECAUSETHEY LOOK JUST LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE MATTER? OKAY.
WELL, I CAN'T SEEM TO TELL LITTLE MISS ATTITUDE ANYTHING.
SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS IT ALL.
AND LOOK.
LOOK WHA CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.
YOUR SON'S LATEST TEST SCORES.
WOW, A 61.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
NO, NO, BABY, NO.
NO, NO.
19? OUT OF 100? WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE WRONG WITH THAT BOY, MICHAEL? HE'S GONNA HAVE TO GE AN "A" ON HIS ALGEBRA FINAL JUST SO HE CAN AVOID SUMMER SCHOOL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE HE'S DOIN' HIS BEST.
I'M SORRY.
IF HE WERE DOIN' HIS BEST, HE'D GE HIGHER THAN A 19.
NOT IF HE'S STUPID.
HE'S NOT STUPID.
I'M NOT TALKIN' GEORGE W.
STUPID.
YOU KNOW, I WAS TERRIBLE AT MATH.
I HAVE A G.
E.
D.
I DIDN' EVEN FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.
I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I JUST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE BOY CAN'T LEARN.
I JUST THINK HE NEEDS TO BE MOTIVATED.
WHAT? WE TOOK THE TELEVISION OUT HIS ROOM.
HE CAN'T GO OU ON SCHOOL NIGHTS.
WE EVEN TOOK ALL THE LOTION OUT THE BATHROOM.
I MEAN WHAT ELSE IS THERE? MICHAEL, ONE OF US IS GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.
ONE OF US, HUH? MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CALL IT.
HEADS.
GOOD LUCK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M JUST KEEPIN' IN PRACTICE.
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY EDGE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MATH EDGE? WHAT ABOUT IT? WHAT ABOU DEVELOPING ONE? IT'S NOT REALLY MY BAG.
IT'S TOO TOUGH.
YEAH, SEE, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOUR MOM.
SHE THINKS IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT MOTIVATED, BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT VERY BRIGHT.
YOU GOT IT, DAD.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? HOW? BECAUSE I BET IF I OFFERED YOU A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GET AN "A" ON YOUR ALGEBRA FINAL, IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
IT WOULDN'T? NO.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ALREADY DOIN' YOUR BEST, AND YOU CAN'T DO BETTER THAN YOUR BEST.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD TRY A LITTLE HARDER.
YOU THINK? HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? I COULD TRY TO FIND MY TEXTBOOK.
YOU THINK THAT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE? THERE'S NO HUR IN TRYING.
GOOD.
WHY YOU DOIN' THIS, DAD? WELL, SON, YOUR FAILURE AT ALGEBRA IS STARTING TO AFFECT MY LIFE.
IT'S MAKING YOUR MOTHER VERY UNHAPPY, AND WHEN SHE'S UNHAPPY, I'M UNHAPPY, 'CAUSE MR.
HAPPY AIN'T GETTIN' HAPPY.
OKAY? SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA KEEP THIS DEAL TO OURSELVES, AND YOU'RE GONNA APPLY YOURSELF.
OKAY? OKAY.
NOW I'M GONNA PRETEND TO YELL AT YOU, AND YOU ACT LIKE I RAKED YOU OVER THE COALS.
Michael: THESE GRADES ARE UNACCEPTABLE, MICHAEL RICHARD KYLE! NOW, YOU GE YOUR ACT TOGETHER, OR I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR ACT IN HALF! YOU UNDERSTAND ME? [DOOR SLAMS.]
HI, BABY.
HOW WAS DANCE CLASS? OKAY.
DID YOU LEARN ANY NEW STEPS? NO.
MONEY WELL SPENT.
I HAVE TO GO WORK ON MY SCIENCE PROJECT.
OH, I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
NO THANKS.
Michael: HEY! I'M HOME! DADDY! HEY, BABY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? DADDY, IT WAS GREAT.
I LEARNED THIS NEW STEP AT DANCE CLASS, AND I HAVE THIS AWESOME SCIENCE PROJECT.
REALLY? COULD YOU HELP ME WITH IT? I'D LOVE TO.
COOL.
UH, YOU GO AHEAD, CLAIRE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE A FEW THINGS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.
I LOVE YOU, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.
THAT'S A GREAT KID, HUH? YEAH, WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP.
I LIKED HER BETTER THE FIRST NINE MONTHS WHEN SHE COULDN'T TALK.
DID YOU SEE HER SHOVE ME OUT OF THE WAY JUST SO SHE COULD GET TO YOU FIRST? YEAH, IF YOU'D HAVE BOXED HER OUT.
YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO POST UP.
I CAN'T TALK TO HER LATELY, MICHAEL.
IT'S LIKE I'M CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER.
WAH WAH WAH-WAH WAH-WAH-WAH WAH.
AND I KNOW SHE HEARS ME TALKIN'.
JUST THE WORDS AREN' GETTING THROUGH, MICHAEL.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY A MORE INDIRECT APPROACH? DO SOMETHING FUN WITH HER.
TAKE HER SHOPPING, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN IF YOU GO SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT, JUST CASUALLY BRING IT UP.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD IDEA.
UHHELLO! I'M ONLY HER DAD.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.
DO YOU KNOW THAT JUNIOR HAS BEEN LOCKED UP IN HIS ROOM WITH HIS TEXTBOOK SINCE HE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL? [CHUCKLING.]
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM? HEY, I CAN'T GIVE AWAY MY SECRE MOTIVATIONAL TECHNIQUES.
COME ON, MICHAEL, STOP PLAYIN'.
I'M LIKE THE BLACK TONY ROBBINS.
[LAUGHING.]
PLEASE.
I'M TONY TONI TONE ROBBINS.
DADDY, I WANT THE THOUSAND-DOLLAR DEAL, TOO WHAT? BABY, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT WAS THAT? DADDY'S GIVING JUNIOR $1,000 IF HE GETS A "A.
" SECRET MOTIVATIONAL TECHNIQUES? COME ON, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL IF IT WORKS? THE BIG DEAL-- THE BIG DEAL, MICHAEL, IS IT'S JUST WRONG.
HE SHOULD WANT TO DO WELL WITHOUT MONEY AS AN INCENTIVE.
WHY? BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LEARN MATH FOR THE LOVE OF LEARNING.
WHY? SO HE CAN GET A GOOD JOB.
AND WHY? SO HE CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
I REST MY CASE.
NO! DON'T TWIST THIS.
BRIBING HIM IS NOT THE WAY TO GET HIM TO ACHIEVE.
LOOK, BABY, HERE'S HOW I SEE IT.
YOU PAY HIM THE FIRST TIME, AND THEN ONCE HE REALIZES HE CAN DO IT, HE'S SE HIS OWN STANDARDS.
NOW HE HAS NO EXCUSES.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I'M TOTALLY AGAINST IT.
DID I TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU LOOK TODAY? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? WHEN YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LIKE THA-- OH, MY GOD.
REALLY? LIKE THIS? STOP IT.
OW! OW! YOU LIKE I WHEN I DO LIKE THAT? OOH! IT IS SO SEXY.
OH, BABY.
FIX THIS THING WITH JUNIOR AND YA MIGH SEE IT AGAIN! HEY.
I'M NOT INTERRUPTIN' YOUR STUDIES, AM I? NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? DAD, I FEEL LIKE THE STUPIDEST PERSON ON THE PLANET.
IT'S LIKE THE INFORMATION GETS TO MY BRAIN AND IT JUST STOPS.
I MEAN, I CAN' GET IT PAST MY EYES.
AND I HATE DISAPPOINTING YOU AND MOM, BUT ALGEBRA'S A MYSTERY TO ME.
I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SON.
I DIDN'T GET IT, EITHER.
I WAS NEVER GOOD AT MATH.
SO WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I'VE GOT FINALS COMIN' UP.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO TAKE ONE MORE STAB AT TRYING TO UNLOCK THA ALGEBRA DOOR INSIDE YOUR HEAD.
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY LIVES BEHIND THE ALGEBRA DOOR.
YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT, BUT IF MONEY DOESN'T MOTIVATE YOU, THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER THING THAT MIGHT.
HI.
I'M DANIELLE, THE TUTOR.
YOU MUST BE JUNIOR.
OH, HI, DANIELLE.
HI, MICHAEL.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THIS IS MY WIFE, JANICE.
DANIELLE.
HI.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
SO, UH, MICHAEL, WHERE DO YOU KNOW DANIELLE FROM? REMEMBER MY OLD MATH TEACHER, MISS JACKSON? THIS IS HER DAUGHTER.
OH! OH.
MY MOTHER STILL COUNTS YOU AS HER BIGGEST FAILURE.
YEAH, WELL, SHE TRIED BEATING MATH INTO ME.
AND EVEN THOUGH I NEVER LEARNED IT, SHE NEVER GAVE UP, AND SHE ALWAYS GAVE ME MY PRIDE.
WELL, I PLAN TO GIVE I TO LITTLE JUNIOR.
UNH! SO, UM, WHERE SHOULD WE DO IT? HUH? THE TUTORING, WHERE CAN WE WORK? HOW ABOUT MY ROOM? HOW ABOUT NOT? THE KITCHEN MIGHT BE BETTER SUITED.
DANIELLE, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? NO, THANKS.
I'M FINE.
OH, YES, YOU ARE.
Danielle: WELL, UH, IT'S LET'S GET TO WORK.
HEY.
STUDY HARD, SON.
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR? OUR SON NEEDS HELP IN ALGEBRA, NOT WONDERBRA.
COME ON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE EXTRA MOTIVATION? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THE BETTER-LOOKING YOUR TEACHER IS THE HARDER YOU WORK? HELL, YES.
LOOK AT MY SPANISH TEACHER, MISS ESCOVEL.
MAN, SHE HAD A BODY.
TALK ABOUT A BUTT.
HER BUTT WAS SO NICE, JENNIFER LOPEZ'S BUT WOULD LOOK AT I AND GO, "HOT DAMN, THAT'S A BIG ASS!" I NEVER FORGOT SPANISH.
YOU KNOW WHY? WHY? SU BUSTO ENORME ME ENCANTABA.
WHAT DID THAT MEAN? I WAS ENCHANTED BY HER ENORMOUS BREASTS.
Janet: HEY, JUNIOR, STOP PLAYIN' WITH YOUR FOOD.
I'M NOT PLAYING.
I'M GOIN' OVER MY ALGEBRA FORMULAS.
REALLY? LET'S CHECK THE PROGRESS.
LET'S SEE.
IF MINUS 5 TIMES 7 PLUS "R" MINUS 4 EQUALS NEGATIVE 30, WHAT DOES "R" EQUAL? HMPH! THAT RIGHT? YEAH.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
AREN'T YOU GONNA BE A LITTLE EARLY FOR SCHOOL? I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TO GET THERE TILL THE VERY LAST MINUTE.
WELL, I GOTTA STOP AND PICK UP A LITTLE SOMETHIN' FOR DANIELLE.
YOU KNOW, FOR HELPIN' ME OUT.
ISN'T THIS GREAT? HE'S LEARNING ALGEBRA.
HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT WOMAN, MICHAEL.
NO, IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRUSH.
DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT, MICHAEL? LOOK, IF IT HELPS HIM WITH THE ALGEBRA, WHAT DOES IT MATTER? OH, SO THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, MY SON PASSIN' ALGEBRA.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF MY SON GETS HIS HEART BROKEN ALONG THE WAY.
LOOK, YOU SAID YOU WAN HIM TO DO WELL IN MATH.
HE'S DOING WELL IN MATH.
THERE'S A TRADEOFF.
THE GOOD NEWS IS HE'S GONNA PASS HIS ALGEBRA FINAL.
YEAH, BUT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
SOME OF THE GREATEST SUCCESS STORIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN BECAUSE SOME GUY WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
IS THAT RIGHT? YEAH.
LOOK AT HENRY FORD.
HE INVENTED THE AUTOMOBILE SO HE COULD PICK UP CHICKS.
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS RIDING AROUND ON A STINKIN' HORSE.
HE'D PULL UP IN A BRAND-NEW SHINY AUTOMOBILE, HE SAYS, BEEP BEEP, "HEY, BABY, YOU WANT A RIDE? "I'LL GET YOU THERE IN HALF THE TIME.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO SMELL HORSE BUTT ALL THE WAY.
" [LAUGHING.]
THIS IS FUN, ISN'T IT? ACTUALLY, IT IS.
YOU KNOW, I WISH I WOULD HAVE DONE THIS KIND OF STUFF WITH MY MOTHER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU? WELL, BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY BEING HOSTILE AND ANGRY TOWARDS HER AND DIDN' EVEN KNOW WHY.
ALL I KNEW WAS EVERYTHING SHE SAID AND EVERYTHING SHE DID WAS WRONG.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
SEE, BUT THE WAY SHE HANDLED IT WAS TO WHUP MY BUTT, WHICH I PROBABLY WOULDN'T DO TO YOU, 'CAUSE OF ALL THESE WITNESSES.
LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.
I BARELY SPOKE TO MY MOTHER FOR SEVEN YEARS.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYIN' THAT WE NEED TO BE ALL LOVEY-DOVEY AND ALL THAT, BUT I WANT US TO BE CIVIL TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER.
LOOK AT ME, CLAIRE.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE.
WELL, MOM, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING IT ON PURPOSE.
IT'S JUST, IT'S A LOT OF STUFF GOIN' ON THAT I DON'T THINK YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND.
CLAIRE, TRY ME.
EVERYTHING'S CHANGING, MOM.
I MEAN, SOME OF MY FRIENDS STILL ACT LIKE THEY'RE LITTLE KIDS, AND SOME OF THEM ARE PRETENDING TO BE GROWNUPS, AND I'M JUS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
CLAIRE, I'VE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOIN'.
LOOK, PRETTY SOON, YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE PRETENDING TO BE GROWN UP.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT WON'T CHANGE.
I'LL ALWAYS BE ON YOUR SIDE.
BUT, MOM, YOU'RE THE PERSON THAT'S ALWAYS SAYING NO TO ME.
THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, CLAIRE.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
WELL, IS THERE ANYTHING WE'RE EVER GONNA AGREE ON? OH, HI, HONEY.
HEY, DADDY.
Claire: HILARIOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I SAY WE DO THIS EVERY WEEK.
COOL.
NEXT WEEK, LET'S TRY PINK.
PINK?! YES, PINK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT PINK.
TWO TRAINS LEAVE CHICAGO AND NEW YORK MOVING TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
I'M ON THE TRAIN FROM CHICAGO, AND WE'RE MOVING AT 40 MILES AN HOUR.
YOU'RE ON THE TRAIN FROM NEW YORK.
IT'S TRAVELING AT 60 MILES AN HOUR.
THE DISTANCE BETWEEN CHICAGO AND NEW YORK IS 1,000 MILES.
HOW LONG AFTER-- 10 HOURS.
YOU ARE GONNA ACE THAT FINAL EXAM TOMORROW.
THANKS TO YOU.
WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL DONE HERE.
DONE? OH, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE TRAINS GET TO THE STATION, AND I GET OFF MY TRAIN AND YOU GET OFF YOUR TRAIN? WHAT, WE JUST GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS? THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
JUNIOR, YOU KNOW AS MUCH ABOUT ALGEBRA AS I CAN TEACH YOU.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S SO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO LEARN LIKE [DEEP VOICE.]
WHAT TYPE OF GUYS DO YOU LIKE, BABY? I LIKE SMART GUYS, JUNIOR.
THE KIND OF GUY YOU'RE GONNA BE IF YOU APPLY YOURSELF.
BUT I WANT TO APPLY MYSELF TO YOU, DANIELLE.
I LOVE YOU, AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
OH, JUNIOR, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
NO, NO! THAT'S THE TONE MY GRANDMOTHER USES.
SEE? I LOVE YOU.
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES.
I MEAN IT'S NOT ME YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH.
IT'S LEARNING, AND THAT'S A WONDERFUL PASSION.
DON'T LOSE IT.
OH, I FEEL PASSION EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOU.
WALK ME TO THE DOOR.
I CAN'T.
YOU ARE A VERY SWEE AND VERY SMART BOY, JUNIOR.
GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, CLASS, YOU'LL HAVE ONE HOUR TO COMPLETE THIS EXAM.
SOME OF YOU WILL GE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A SECOND STAB AT IT THIS SUMMER.
YOU MAY BEGIN NOW.
["LOVE'S THEME" BY THE LOVE UNLIMITED ORCHESTRA PLAYS.]
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OH, MAN.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU FAILED YOUR TEST.
NO, I ACED IT.
GET OUT OF HERE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
SON, I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT.
THANKS, DAD.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HIS HEAR WAS GONNA BE BROKEN.
YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU HE'D LEARN ALGEBRA.
I HATE SEEIN' HIM LIKE THIS, MICHAEL.
YEAH, WELL, I HATE SEEIN' HIM LIKE THIS, TOO, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? LIFE IS TOUGH.
AND IF HE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT HIMSELF AND IT TOOK A LITTLE HURT TO GET THERE, THEN SO BE IT.
WELL, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO PULL OFF ALL THIS TOUGH LOVE STUFF, BUT I'M HIS MOTHER, AND I HATE TO SEE MY BOY IN PAIN.
ALL RIGHT.
CALL IT.
TAILS.
HA HA HA HA! HEE HEE! HOW DO YOU DO THAT? WHOO! SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE SHE'S OUT OF MY HEE HEE! LIFE SON, THERE'S MORE WORDS TO THE SONG THAN "SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE.
" NOT TO ME THERE AREN'T.
LOOK, I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURTING.
DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
YES, I DO.
I KIND OF FIGURED THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THEN WHY DID YOU INTRODUCE ME TO HER? WHAT, YOU COULDN'T FIND SOME OLD, FAT LADY WITH A MUSTACHE AND BODY ODOR? YEAH, BUT YOUR MOTHER'S SISTER WAS UNAVAILABLE.
AND YOU PROBABLY WOULDN' HAVE LEARNED ALGEBRA, AND YOU SURE WOULDN'T HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE A MAN.
I HAVEN'T LEARNED HOW TO BE A MAN.
YES, YOU DID.
SEE, A MAN HAS TO LEARN TO CONTROL HIS EMOTIONS, BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GONNA FALL FOR A WOMAN HE CAN'T HAVE.
TELL ME THE TRUTH, DAD.
DO YOU THINK I'D EVER HAVE A SHOT WITH DANIELLE? TRUTH? YEAH.
NO.
BUT I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.
I'M PROUD OF MY BOY 'CAUSE I KNOW HE WASN' SITTIN' IN FRONT OF HER WHININ' TO HER, "I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" NO, I WOULDN'T DO NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.
GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WITH MISS ESCOVEL.
OH, MAN.
I MADE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
SHE LAUGHED AND TOLD THE WHOLE CLASS.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER FORGOT SPANISH.
YOU KNOW WHY? TE AMO.
NO PUEDO VIVIR SIN USTED.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? [CRYING.]
I LOVE YOU! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I DON'T KNOW THE LINE.
Director: ACTION! I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE BOY CAN'T LEARN.
Director: CUT.