New Europe (2007) s01e06 Episode Script

PALIN: I'm approaching the city
of Gdansk from the Baltic Sea!
This unremarkable stretch of waterway
has seen two seismic events
in recent history!
0n September 1, 1 939,
World War II
began over there on Westerplatte
when the German warship
Schleswlg-Holsteln opened fire
on the Polish garrison!
They held out very gamely,
but within a matter of weeks
all of Poland was overrun!
By the end of the war
the Poles had lost 20%
of thelr populatlon,
a hlgher proportlon
than any other European country.
Even when the Nazis
were finally driven out of Poland
by Stalin's Red Army,
things didn't really get much better!
The Poles merely exchanged
one tyranny for another!
So it went on
through the '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s
until something quite remarkable
happened here at the Gdansk shipyards,
not 1 0 minutes by small boat
from where World War II began!
(CR0WD SH0UTING SL0GANS)
An electrlclan called Lech Walesa
led a serles of strlkes
that were the beglnnlng of the end
of Communlsm In Europe.
(MEN SINGING IN P0LISH)
Under the agreement that followed,
free trade unlons became legal
for the flrst tlme
In any of the Sovlet bloc countrles.
The famous gates of what was then
the Lenln Shlpyard
are stlll decorated as they were
In the days of deflance
wlth the name
of Walesa's unlon, Solldarlty,
and hls Insplratlon,
the Pollsh Pope John Paul II.
Lech Walesa helped malntaln a fleet
of electronlc buggles llke thls one,
a job whlch kept hlm In contact
wlth workers all over the yard.
The shlpyards themselves,
shorn of thelr soclallst subsldles,
later went bust.
They were balled out,
but the workforce today
Is a shadow of what It once was.
I ask Andrej Buczkowskl, the manager,
If there's stlll a sense of prlde
about what happened here.
What do the workforce here today
think about Lech Walesa?
Well, they are very proud
knowing that Mr Walesa
was for a long time
say, employed here in Gdansk shipyard,
and he was trying to help afterwards
while being the President
of Poland, for example!
And they still have good links
and some good friendships
are still maintained!
Do they regard him as a good president?
- Definitely yes! Definitely yes!
- Yeah, yeah!
Gdansk, reduced to rubble In the war,
has been restored to lts former glorles,
and ex-Presldent Walesa has been
granted a grace and favour offlce
In thls lmposlng former royal resldence.
It's here that he's agreed to see me.
Few llvlng Europeans
are as Illustrlous as Lech Walesa.
Marrled to Danuta, elght chlldren,
loves computers, has a Nobel Prlze,
an alrport named after hlm,
a daughter dolng well
In Poland's Celebrity Come Dancing,
Is serlous and hates small talk.
PALIN: Mr President, what is
the best thing about your life now?
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
INTERPRETER: The best thlngs
are good food, good wlne and women.
But I must remember that I am 63,
so I have to watch myself.
Well, I'd like to say
I'm 6 3 and much inspired! Thank you!
INTERPRETER:
Remember what Churchlll sald,
"The thlngs we llke are elther lmmoral
or bad for us. "
Comparing Poland then and now,
what has improved?
INTERPRETER:
It depends how you look at lt,
how you look at the beneflts.
For me, the maln beneflts
are freedom and democracy.
That people can travel freely,
that you can go to church.
That I can be presldent.
Anyone can become presldent.
I thlnk that these thlngs
are worth dylng for.
But there are other people.
For them the lmportant thlng Is jobs.
How much money they have.
They see the beneflt
In a dlfferent llght from me.
PALIN: Trade made Gdansk rlch.
It shows In the harmonlous grace
of lts Dutch-lnfluenced squares.
Down by the canal,
the largest medleval crane In Europe
stlll stands, but no longer llfts.
An hour's drlve away
and I'm at another waterfront.
Thls Is Elblag, equally war-battered
but less well restored than Gdansk.
It's the startlng polnt for what Is
to be a most remarkable journey
on the Elblag-Ostroda Canal.
Our boat Is called Labedz, "the Swan".
It's functlonal rather than elegant,
"Ugly Duckling" mlght have been better.
Elther would be qulte sultable
as we make our way
through a nature reserve
of marsh and woodland
that's a haven for blrd-watchers.
Oh, he's found one.
The canal opened In 1 872,
Just before the rallway
that took away most of lts trade.
It has to cope wlth a rlse of 360 feet
from one end to the other.
The englneers solved the problem
In a most spectacular way.
As we enter the lock,
the Swan slldes
Into an underwater cradle.
In an englne room
bullt beslde the canal,
mlghty wheels
are slowly powered Into actlon
whlch turn a drlve wheel,
whlch turns a cable,
whlch wlll slowly draw the boat,
secure In lts watery hammock,
out of the water and up the hlll.
(CABLES STRAINING)
This is pretty remarkable
because we've been dragged
out of the canal onto dry land!
It's not a lock system,
it's a slipway system,
and basically the boat has to be raised
1 00 metres in the course of the canal,
and this is one of these locks!
And I've never seen
anything quite like this!
So instead of just being
in a water lock,
you're actually taken
out of the water and up the hill!
What amazes me
Is that no one bats an eyelld
at the slght of a boat golng up a hlll.
Well, It has been dolng thls
for 1 40 years, I suppose.
Once over the hlll
we're eased gently back Into the water.
Thls whole wonderful
Heath Roblnson process
wlll happen four more tlmes
before they reach Ostroda.
It's amazing! We've come over the hill,
the rails have led us up,
we're now back in water again!
We've ceased to be a railway!
We're now a boat again!
Extraordinary!
Really delightful, if cumbersome,
machinery raised above the countryside!
I'm not golng all the way to the end
as I have to be back In Elblag
for a professlonal engagement
wlth a top cabaret.
Well, this could be
another career break!
I've been asked
by a group called Ani Mru Mru!
They're a Polish group,
they're very popular, very successful!
Ani Mru Mru means "Shh, Don't Worry",
or something like that!
I quite like that!
Anyway, they know of Python,
they know I'm in town
and asked me to come and do
a small part! So I'll do my best!
I'm rushed to wardrobe to dlscuss
my costume wlth one of the stars.
- What do you think? Shorts?
- Yeah, it's very nice!
I brought them with me
'cause I knew they'd come in useful
somewhere on my trip to Poland!
Yeah, yeah, they are very nice!
- From Milan?
- From Milan, yeah, yeah!
Especially with a hole like that!
Sort of Jean-Paul Gaultier!
Jean-Paul Gaultier, yeah!
You know, it's like a codpiece
coming out of your hip!
- Yeah, looks like it!
- PALIN: Yeah, kind of weird!
PALIN: When you do these shows,
is the humour satirical?
I mean, what makes the audience laugh?
MAN: You never, you never know!
It's like a!!!
Well, you know Monty Python.
You must have seen it!
Yeah, I know it!
Lots of people in Poland know you!
(PALIN CHUCKLING)
PALIN: And now joining a Polish group!
So there, Cleese, Idle, Jones
and the other one!
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
I've been glven the role
of a flve-year-old boy.
A blg test for any method actor.
0h, dear!
I still can't decide!
That's too grown-up! That's too silly!
I suppose silly is what it's all about!
0h, dear!
Maybe, I don't know!
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
(PE0PLE LAUGHING)
(APPLAUSE)
Anyway, darlings, if you'd just
give me a moment! Give me a moment!
Just give me a moment!
Yes! I'm ready!
The sketch Is a satlre on pop stars
who use sweet llttle chlldren
In thelr act.
(SINGING IN P0LISH)
I've modelled my performance
on the theme of over-excltement
and Incontlnence.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN RHYTHM)
Fortunately, I don't know
the Pollsh for 'get offl"
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I hung around In Elblag for a whlle,
but the phone dldn't rlng.
So I'm off to Warsaw.
Warsaw, the Pollsh capltal,
wlll be the mld-polnt of my journey
before carrylng on to Poznan,
then south to Krak ow
and the Slovaklan border.
Warsaw suffered dreadfully
In World War II.
In hls fury at the uprlslng of 1 944,
Hltler ordered the clty
removed from the map.
Over 800,000 cltlzens
dled or dlsappeared.
After the war, Poland's capltal
was rebullt by the Communlsts.
Stalln gave thls Palace of Culture
to the Poles
to show how much they meant to the USSR.
- Did you want it?
- Apparently he gave us a choice!
You either get a metro system
or a Palace of Culture!
We said, "Can we have a metro, please?"
And he said,
"0kay, I'll give you the palace!"
- That's how it started!
- Perverse!
My gulde Is Pollsh journallst
Monlka Rlchardson.
Well, you can see, really,
it sort of plonks itself
right in the middle of the city,
like some big alien creature!
Do you feel that,
as someone from Warsaw?
Yes, like a scar!
Absolutely, just cuts
the city right in half!
PALIN: Yeah!
When you look out
at your city from here,
I mean, do you find it
a little grey and!!!
Do you think it's a beautiful city?
No, it's not a beautiful city,
but it's a working city!
I have a lot of respect for it!
It's a good down-to-earth city
of people who have busy lives!
PALIN: Yeah! I mean, you get
a great view of the city
without having to see
the Palace of Culture!
- I suppose in that way it's better!!!
- A blessing in disguise!
!!! Being in it than being
out there looking at it!
Absolutely! It's an awful place!
PALIN: Well, it's got
a certain grandeur!
An edifice like this brings to mind
some sort of form
of architectural imperialism
plonked down to dominate
the subjugated people!
RICHARDS0N: Very true,
but it's become a symbol of Warsaw
whether we're happy about this or not!
Just like the fact that
Warsaw is such an old, new city!
PALIN: An old, new city!
Yeah, that's a good way of seeing it!
So it's kind of like an Eiffel Tower,
in a sense,
- It's on all the postcards!
- It is!
PALIN: Love it or loathe it!
RICHARDS0N: This is the Congress Hall!
This is where the Communist Party
would have its congresses
every so many years
just to explain to people
why things haven't turned out
just quite as beautifully
as they were going to!
So all the delegates would be
sitting here from all over Poland
and the leaders would be up there
talking for hours on end
and people sort of dozing away
as it's all televised live
for days and days!
The irony is that people like Bob Dylan
have come and performed here now,
and I'm sure that they knew nothing
about the history of this place!
Yeah! It reflects the history
and, of course,
a few days ago, this was Miss World!
- I know!
- Took place on the same stage
that these fiery Communist leaders
would have given their rhetoric!
How bizarre!
- What would Stalin make of that?
- I'm sure he's turning in his grave!
PALIN: 0h! That would make a sound!
That would be a sort of
1 0! 6 on the Richter scale,
Stalin turning in his grave!
MAN 0N TV: Left In the wake
of the onrushlng Reds
Is the rulned clty of Warsaw,
scene of an Indescrlbable
flve-year relgn of terror.
But at last, the exlled populatlon,
those stlll allve,
are able to return to the shells
of thelr former homes,
for once more
the Pollsh flag flles over Warsaw.
It is remarkable that this was
rebuilt after the war!
- This is!!!
- This was complete rubble!
This has been built in my lifetime
rather than 300 years ago!
Yes, it was! It was rebuilt
to the exact specifications
of the way it had been
in the 1 8th century
rather than directly after the war,
because for some reason the architects
decided that the 1 8th century
was when the old town in Warsaw
was at its biggest glory,
its highest glory,
and that's how they did it!
But, in a sense,
it's completely artificial!
It was supposed to be
very beautiful, wasn't it, Warsaw?
- People compared it with Paris!
- Yes!
Round here it's really lovely!
RICHARDS0N: Actually, it's a testimony
to the amazing effort
of those people who, in 1 945, '46,
decided to actually keep this
the capital of Poland,
which wasn't, if you think about it,
all that obvious at all!
Eighty-five percent of it was in rubble!
Do you think places like this,
these squares
that have been beautifully restored,
is that sort of helping to remind Poland
of a past, a golden past?
Because after all, there was a time
when Poland was a big player in Europe!
- An empire!
- Much bigger than Russia or Germany!
- Do people hark back to that?
- No!
And I think I can see where
you're coming from asking that question,
but no, I don't think
we've got any illusions of grandeur,
past or present, or future dreams of it!
I think we just want to be
taken seriously
as a nation that's a force in Europe,
as a nation that's got
a fantastic history to it!
As a brave nation that, however,
has something to offer here and now,
rather than being a martyr
for generations and generations!
PALIN: Plenty of Poles
have come to work In the UK,
but I'm off to meet an Engllshman
who's happler worklng In Poland.
He's a Cockney called Kevln Alston.
He came here 1 5 years ago,
wlthout a vlsa,
dolng whatever jobs he could flnd
and plcklng up the language
along the way.
He's ended up
In the Pollsh Flre Brlgade.
And when I got the hang
of the Polish language
and I felt confident enough,
I knocked on the doors
of the Polish Fire Brigade
and said,
"Hi, I want to be a fireman! Can I?"
Passed all the tests and everything
and they said, "Sure, come on in!"
And today I'm a section leader
in the Polish Fire Brigade!
You say lightly that,
"0h, I learnt the language,"
but it must have been
very, very difficult!
I find it a very difficult language
indeed, with the z's and the c's!!!
Polish actually is amongst five of the
most difficult languages in the world,
and I don't know how I've done it!
How did you do it?
Did you do it from books?
- No books!
- 0r just over a pint with a guy?
At one point, Michael, over about!!!
I wouldn't even like to think about it,
'cause I'm sure I've drunk a car
learning this Polish language!
But the best way
to learn Polish, really,
is to buy a beer, buy the Polish guy
a beer, sit down and chat with him!
How similar are the Poles
to the English, or how different?
0h, they're very different!
I wouldn't say similar,
they're not similar at all!
They're very, very, very opposite
I would say,
but they are opposites
which attract, really!
The Poles like the English!
The English like the Poles!
Poles, for example,
they're very gallant,
if you're talking about women!
They kiss women on the hand
for hello and goodbye!
An English guy does,
"0h, hi! How do you do?"
So it's a little bit cold and stuff!
The Poles are very hospitable!
If you go to their house,
they'll empty out the whole fridge
and knock on the neighbour's door
to get their fridge emptied
to put on their table
in order to entertain you!
I mean, what about your love life here,
if it's not a rude question?
- Were girls easy to meet?
- Yes! Yes, I did!
When I came out here I was 21, 22!
Not married!
The Polish women are really beautiful,
they really are!
Also very hospitable! They love English!
They love the Englishmen as well,
not really the language!
But I'm married,
so I can't say too much now!
'Cause I'm sure
my wife's going to watch this film!
I'm married to a Polish woman!
Building a house now in the forest,
which is coming up very nicely!
I would not be able to do that
in Great Britain, I'm sure of it!
And we have a lovely daughter,
whose name, by the way, is Chelsea!
So there's a nice piece
of like English heritage
still being implanted in Poland
and it is being raised!
So, in Poland!!!
I've still got Great Britain
close to my heart and everything
even though I am a long way away!
But I would say this one thing
for the Poles that are in my country
is that I hope
that Great Britain treats them as well
as Poland has treated me here!
That's the best that
I could ever wish them, really!
There's somethlng
I've always wanted to do.
- Michael!!!
- I don't like these gates!
They look very serious!
- This one is quite serious!
- 0h, it's a long way down from here!
It certainly looks a lot further from
here than it does the other way round!
But we're going to get you
down there, Michael,
and we're going to get you
down there safely!
What you got to do on this zesllzg,
in Polish, is a "fire pole",
is first, let me put it!!!
Throw that into your shoulder!
Throw that into your shoulder,
here, here!
Do not hold it with your hands
'cause you'll burn them going down!
Do it with your sleeves!
0ne leg, two legs and you go!
- You got it?
- 0h, you nearly went then!
- Nearly! I'll go after you!
- 0kay!
All right, so, in like that!
- Throw into your shoulder!
- And then arms like that!
- That's it!
- Then one around and then the other
- And then you!!!
- Go down, let gravity take you!
That's brilliant! That's more!!! Whoa!
- Not so bad, huh?
- 0w!
0h, it's like sandpaper!
- Now let go of the pole, Michael!
- Let go of the pole?
- Yes!
- Ah, I don't take it with me?
- How was that? Deux polnts?
- Absolument Mont Blancl
So simple!
I can't walt to try It agaln.
(ALARM S0UNDING)
(MAN SPEAKING P0LISH 0VER PA)
And thls could be my chance.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Wait! Hang on!
I eventually catch up wlth Kevln
at Pollsh Televlslon,
where he's somethlng of a star.
He says he can get me
on a top mornlng TVshow.
Thls could be the break
I've been waltlng for.
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
He thlnks It would be a good wheeze
to test my Pollsh pronunclatlon
on camera.
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
We're golng to be on after
an ltem about ladles' halrdresslng.
Back In make-up, I ask Kevln
how on earth he got Into all thls.
Right, I signed a contract
for three episodes!
- What of? A comedy show?
- Yeah, yeah!
And that was four years ago!
0n Friday we're recording
the 1 00th episode!
- Amazing! Do you do stage stuff as well?
- Yeah! Standup comedy as well!
- In Polish to the Polish audience?
- Yeah!
My hero in Great Britain,
- Heroes, are Jimmy Jones!!!
- Jimmy Jones!
- Roy 'Chubby' Brown?
- No, Lee Evans!
Lee Evans! I love Lee Evans!
MAN: So let's go to the studio?
- Shall we go, Michael?
- We're done? 0kay!
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
- PALIN: Pleased to meet you!
- This is my honour, really!
I never thought I can shake your hand,
because you've created
my sense of humour, really!
- PALIN: Really?
- That's it!
- PALIN: Is that a good thing?
- So it's your fault!
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
Thank you for being here with us!
(SPEAKING P0LISH)
AIST0N: So we're going
to try and do some Polish!
- 0kay, "jak tam"!
- Very good!
(LAUGHING)
"Kos-way-cha!"
(PALIN C0UGHING L0UDLY)
0h, that's a difficult one!
- "Jak lechi"?
- Very good!
It's your handwriting that's so bad!
"Kwan-yan zee"!
- Very!!! Almost, almost! "Klanlam sle".
- Ah, yes!
This is going to be
one of your favourites!
Look at that one!
Show this to the camera first!
Show this to the camera!
All right, we've got this!
What is that, Michael?
Er!!!
T-sheem-kai!
Close! Trzymkal.
- Can he just say goodbye to the viewers?
- 0f course!
- Right here!
- Pa pa.
- Pa pa.
- Pa pa.
PALIN: Thank you!
AIST0N: Thank you, Michael!
0h, dear,
now it's just back to normal life!
The moment of glory is over!
Polish television conquered!
Tomorrow the world!
The world In thls case
belng the Great European Plaln,
where Poland was forged
over a thousand years ago.
It grew strong and successful
untll the Russlans, the Austrlans
and then the Germans
swallowed up thelr land.
It's only now, In the new Europe,
that Poland Is regalnlng lts stablllty,
confldence and lts hlstory.
Poznan Is another
plcture-postcard plece of restoratlon.
Its old square,
where past meets the present,
Is the perfect place
to watch the world go by
and sort out the moblle phone offers.
No, no, no!
The thing is I was on your 2-for-1
and now I want to change to the 4-for-3,
which is tariff 5!
So, I want 4-for-3 and tariff 5
and I'm going onto Czestochowa
and then Krakow, southern Poland,
so I believe that changes
to the special offer then,
which is like!!!
And I only want it for a week then!
I don't want it
for the full three months!
Can you!!! I see, that would be!!!
Ah, oh, do you?
Ah, well, that's interesting!
That's interesting!
0kay, right! So this is the 1 0-for-1!
That's wonderful! And that's only
in this part!!! 0h, right!
That's in where? That's in Moscow!
No, well, I'm not!!!
I'm not going to Moscow!
But that's a fantastic rate!
1 0-for-1, I think I might go to Moscow!
I'll have a word
with the director, anyway! Yeah!
The hlghllght here Is the mldday dlsplay
on the town hall clock.
It commemorates a legend
by whlch two rams, or Is It goats,
Iocked horns outslde the town hall,
alertlng everyone to the fact
that It was on flre at the tlme.
So if I'm on the tariff where I just!!!
Thls Is somethlng not to be mlssed.
!!! Between 2 am and 4!!!
I'm sorry, sorry! I've got to stop now!
Two rams are coming out!
(BELL CLANGING)
Buttlng completed, the rams or goats
retlre tlll mldday tomorrow.
I wouldn't say the place
was grlpped wlth excltement,
but It's glven everyone somethlng to do
apart from shopplng.
And I've got a terrlflc deal
from Japanese telecom.
Poznan Central Statlon.
The 8.:58 to Wolsztyn prepares to leave
wlth a very new drlver.
Well, this is it! This is the mighty,
oily beast that I shall be driving,
and I've got the outfit! I might look
a bit like a gents' hairdresser,
but this is actually
the PKP drivers' jacket,
PKP meaning Polish Regional Railway,
and the great thing is
this is a scheduled service!
There will be passengers on board!
They haven't been told that a member
of a comedy troupe from England
is actually going to be driving!
Probably just as well!
Anyway, I can't wait to get on,
so here we go! See you later!
Engllshman Bob Wyatt
was one of the Insplratlons
behlnd a very bold operatlon,
an Anglo-Pollsh englne-drlvlng school.
- Good morning!
- Michael!
- Janos!
- Janos, okay, great!
Thank you! So!!!
- Michael, you'll drive to Wolsztyn?
- So I'm told!
If you'll let me drive to Wolsztyn!
It seems a dangerously big thing
for me to be in charge of, so!!!
- Don't worry!
- 0kay!
I could also be a fireman if I want to,
so I'm being allowed to practise
getting the coal on!
(LAUGHS)
That's why you have to practise!
It's 8.:58 and as the commuters
pour Into Poznan, It's tlme to go.
The regulator goes down!
There's always a bit of a gap
between the regulator moving
and the train moving off!
And there we are!
Crowds streaming into Poznan!
Now I'd better just concentrate!
Thls Isn't Thomas the Tank Englne,
thls Is the real thlng
on a real rallway.
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
Wlth real passengers.
Once we're clear of the maln llne,
Janos puts me Into the drlvlng seat.
- Is that a station ahead?
- Yes, little brake!
- Yeah!
- Little brake!
All rlght, It's not Grand Central,
but It's my flrst statlon.
I'm rather proud of lt.
(STEAM HISSING)
JAN0S: Beautiful!
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
0h, yeah!
This is just stopping, you know!
- MAN: Stopping, stopping?
- Stopping!
Starting is the bit I like!
- Here!!!
- PALIN: There we go! Whoa!
0kay, take that!
PALIN: There we are!
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
I'm beginning to get the hang of it!
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
(WHISTLE BL0WING)
(LAUGHING) Whew!
Well, we're in the depot
at Wolsztyn and we're back
and almost on time!
I think we were about two minutes late!
I mean, once you get over the actual
fear of being on the footplate
of this enormous
hurtling bit of mass of metal,
once you get over that,
it's actually very exhilarating!
I mean, normally now
we just press buttons and things happen!
0n this you have to pull a lever,
which presses a flange,
which pulls another valve,
which turns some wheels,
and it's really hard physical work!
So I have great, great respect
for these guys!
And, you know, I suppose
they are a bit dodos, this,
but it was a great, great run!
And I do apologise to any passengers
who've had heart attacks!
We'll refund the money!
I must go and help out
greasing down the old beast!
I always wanted to be an englne drlver,
and now my dream's come true.
It's golng to be a real antlcllmax
belng a TVpresenter agaln.
Thls Is Jasna Gora monastery
In Czestochowa,
the most lmportant rellglous slte
In a deeply rellglous country.
At the entrance Is the powerful flgure
of Cardlnal Wyszynskl,
the Cathollc prlmate who refused
to compromlse wlth the Communlsts.
So many hundreds of thousands
of pllgrlms come here every year
that speclal days
have to be organlsed for them.
This is interesting! Throughout the year
the various pilgrim groups
have their own special days
and, I mean, the year is almost packed
with different groups coming in
and we are!!! That's ours!
Now, 25th to 28th!!!
Kapelani W! P!
Chaplains of the Polish Army!
And that, I'm told,
Lesnicy Forest Guards!
So they all have
their special day of pilgrimage!
It doesn't say BBC!
What they've all come to see
Is the mysterlous Black Madonna,
a llkeness of the Vlrgln Mary
sald to have been palnted by St Luke
on a beam from Jesus' home In Nazareth.
Pllgrlms process on thelr knees
around the chapel where It's dlsplayed.
The Madonna has been assoclated
wlth some great Pollsh vlctorles
over the years
and Is belleved
to have mlraculous powers.
Monks of the Paullne order,
whose monastery thls Is,
celebrate Mass
almost nonstop throughout the day.
The cllmax Is always the moment
when the Madonna Is revealed.
(0RGAN PLAYING)
(PILGRIMS SINGING HYMN)
The great moment Is announced
wlth a drum roll.
A screen of beaten gold slowly rlses.
And the Black Madonna,
nestllng In jewel-encrusted robes,
Is at last revealed.
My gulde, Father Tomon,
tells me what It means.
For the Polish people, it's meaning
the Queen of Poland, Mary,
was elected,
proclaimed Queen of Polish nation!
And after the martial law
proclaimed by General Jaruzelski,
after this period of Communism,
we have this place where we were free!
This holy icon is a sign of presence,
her presence, here!
She is here and we believe
that she is as a mother,
as the Queen of Polish nation,
of course!
Then the tlme comes
for the Queen of Poland
to be hldden agaln.
Two hours from the monastery
Is one of the most
Infamous places In Europe.
Occupled Poland was where the Nazls put
thelr most notorlous
concentratlon camps.
Thls, one of the earllest,
Is In the town of Oswleclm.
In German, Auschwltz.
Converted In 1 940
from a Pollsh army barracks,
Auschwltz I Is where the technlques
of mass kllllng were honed.
Thls was one of the gas chambers.
And these were some of the flrst ovens
developed to destroy,
qulckly and efflclently,
all traces of organlsed murder.
In the rooms where men, women
and chlldren were Incarcerated
are dlsplays of what was found
when the camp was flnally llberated.
Canlsters of the kllllng gas Zyklon-B.
Plles of human halr.
And somehow, most movlng of all for me,
the bags and sultcases that once
contalned someone's last possesslons.
And on them, the names
of thelr owners, wrltten In hope.
I suppose It's good
that places llke thls are stlll here,
wlth the evldence of brutallty
kept In good condltlon,
but I wlsh I could belleve that people
wlll never be llke thls agaln.
Now here's somethlng
the Poles are proud of
and whlch every schoolchlld has to see.
A salt mlne.
We start our way down to the mine,
to the first level, only 64 metres,
about 200 feet, below the surface!
It will be 380 steps!
If you look down into the shaft,
you will see the way to the first level!
It is 64 metres!
Which is natural! It comes!!!
People flock to the mlne
here at Wlellczka not just to see,
well, salt, but to see what can be done
wlth salt If you've a blt of spare tlme,
a falr amount of talent
and a lot of dedlcatlon.
For thls Is where
all these steps lead to.
St Klnga's Chapel,
where everythlng, walls, floor, celllng,
even the crystal on the chandellers,
Is made out of salt.
PALIN: That's beautifully done,
isn't it, really?
MAN: It's the Last Supper!
- It's almost like a marble!
- Is it really?
Yeah, it's hard enough!
In order to have
such smooth surfaces of faces
and they could polish it
by something wet!
So that's the difference between
salt carving and wood carving,
that they could use
the water to polish salt!
This is the side altar
of Sacred Heart of Maria!
It's a nice salt, very clean
kind of salt, very translucent!
And then the relief
called Mlracle In Cana.
Jesus changed water into wine
during the party!
It has beautiful perspective!
It looks so deep in the wall!
PALIN: It all looks so exceptional,
of course, they're lucky to have
the crystals, too! It adds that touch!
Like the chandeliers!
MAN: Yeah, really, chandeliers,
they are made of salt crystals!
0f course, the frame is wooden!
The same crystals,
they are behind the statue of Kinga!
These are crystals of halite!
That's the name of the mineral!
Pure salt!
PALIN: I mean, these guys who carved
all this, were they artists already?
Did they do other work
or did they do any other carving?
Any sculptures around the area?
0r they just worked here?
- Just ordinary miners!
- They were just miners! Right!
And in their spare time
after their work, after their shift,
they carved salt figures!
So it wasn't done
during their regular shift,
just during hours after it!
PALIN: So they had to do
a day's work in the mines!
MAN: Yes, and then after one
or two hours, not every day,
as a kind of a passion,
they carved here!
PALIN: This must have been very recent!
MAN: This statue of Pope John Paul II
was finished seven years ago
also by the miner, by our miner!
- Very clever!
- We still have miners,
they continue the tradition of carving!
Seven of them, they do it still!
- PALIN: Same families, is it?
- No!
I've reached Krak ow.
My conveyance thls mornlng
Is the Trabant.
Made In East Germany, It was the
people's car of Communlst Europe.
Thank you! Thanks very much!
Hello, there! Good morning, I'm Michael!
- PALIN: Let's go!
- 0h, reverse!
PALIN: Great! Whoa!
Among some young Poles,
the humble Trabant
has acqulred cult status.
Entrepreneurs,
llke my drlver Kuba Blalach,
are uslng them to offer
less conventlonal clty tours.
Tell me about the car, Kuba,
the great Trabant!
Well, here we just got the speed meter!
There's temperature of oil,
which of course doesn't work!
And the most tricky thing about Trabants
is that it doesn't have a fuel gauge!
- There's no fuel gauge?
- Yeah, there's no fuel gauge
and the gas tank is under the hood!
So we've got the hood, the engine
and the gas tank!
The gas tank is just
by the engine, you know!
So some people claim
that it's not too safe!
And what are those over there? Those!!!
- This?
- Yeah!
- This?
- That knob, yeah!
- So this knob is to turn on the light!!!
- I see! Well, you'd better have that,
because I don't know quite
how to use it, where it goes!
- Well, me either, so!!!
- 0kay!
- We'll just!!!
- Yeah, we'll just!!!
Keep that in your pocket for later!
- Yeah maybe!!!
- Yeah, I'll hang on to it for now!
- So what are the ones next to it?
- The next is for the windscreen!!!
- 0h, this is for lights!
- Yes, this one is for lights!
- This one is for lights!
- Ah, that's good!
- Exactly!
- Windscreen wipers, that's fine!
But the lights doesn't work properly,
so I just don't use them
until it's dark, yeah,
if it's too dark!
So there's a heating,
of course it's not air conditioning,
just a basic heating! But the thing is,
I've being doing this service
for the last six months,
I have no idea how it works!
So, we don't know how it works!
For a small car, the Trabant
leaves a hell of a carbon footprlnt.
But Kuba seems undeterred.
It's a mlnor worry
compared to some of hls problems.
BIALACH: Quite often,
I mean, maybe once in a month
or something like that,
the wheels they fell off!
I mean, not all of the wheels!
It's just the one wheel,
but we've got four of them
and in two of them
the wheels fell off three times!
So of course it happened
during the tour,
so we drive the Trabant,
like now, 60 or something,
and suddenly,
well, you are without the wheel!
So in the middle of the road,
in the middle of the traffic,
and you're in big problem
'cause it's not so easy
to keep it running quite straight
with three wheels only!
It's not just the car
that's dlfferent on Kuba's tour.
It's the destlnatlon,
the suburb called Nowa Huta
bullt In the 1 950s
as the Ideal soclallst clty.
BIALACH: So here we are,
old part of Nowa Huta!
Shape of the semi-circle, like a fan!
I can show you few photos
'cause, well, it's good to see
how big achievement it was!
'Cause back in the '50s,
so please remember, 1 949,
beginning of the whole construction,
first settlers, yeah!
- PALIN: That's just farmland!
- Just the farmland!
- PALIN: Just some fields!
- Exactly, green fields, nothing on it!
But in the 1 0 years, well,
take a look what they did!
PALIN: 0h, yeah!
We've got the central square
that we can see on the map!
It's here, and you see how grand it is!
- Very formal!
- Very formal!
Kuba shows me
the grand arcades of Nowa Huta,
deslgned to prove that the proletarlat
could have a clty just as beautlful
as anythlng
In snobby, prlest-rldden Krak ow.
But In the 1 980s,
he tells me, It all went wrong.
Llke the shlpyard workers of Gdansk,
the steelworkers of Nowa Huta
rose In protest,
turnlng on the Party
and looklng Instead to the West.
The slght of mountaln peaks
comes as qulte a shock
after weeks on the plaln.
Ahead are the Hlgh Tatras,
half In Poland, half In Slovakla.
I'm In the vlllage of Blala Tatranska,
where a hlghland weddlng
Is about to take place.
(MEN SINGING)
Two all-slnglng Masters of Ceremonles
are dellverlng the brldegroom,
a skl Instructor,
to the home of hls brlde to be,
also a skl Instructor.
He's escorted by two brldesmalds,
qulte posslbly skl Instructors.
On arrlval at the house,
Marlusz Is welcomed by hls brlde Berthe,
wearlng a heavy metre-long headdress
whlch she's not allowed to take off
untll the end of the weddlng day.
They're serenaded Into the house
and up to the brlde's bedroom.
Here, amldst total lack of prlvacy,
Marlusz has to take off hls shlrt
and put on one prepared by hls brlde.
No fumbllng goes unrecorded.
0h!
(0RGAN PLAYING)
At some polnt
In the day's crowded programme
Marlusz and Berthe actually
get to church and marry each other.
(PRIEST SPEAKING P0LISH)
After the weddlng
I take a walk In the hllls,
only to flnd that the photographer's
got them up here as well.
(PE0PLE CHATTERING IN P0LISH)
Berthe Is belng photographed wlth
all the men she hasn't marrled today.
(ALL LAUGHING)
She seems to be rather enjoylng lt.
But who am I to talk?
0h, lovely!
I keep trylng to get away,
but the photographer's Insatlable.
PALIN: 0kay, legs together!
Now the weddlng actlon shlfts,
blzarrely, to the local flre statlon.
In small vlllages llke thls
It's often the only place
wlth a room blg enough for a party.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
I really feel for Berthe.
Skl Instructlng
must be a doddle after thls.
W0MAN: It's very hard to dance
when you are drunk!
PALIN: Yeah, exactly!
They're not doing too badly!
Quite dainty!
A super-charged vodka,
speclally bottled for thls great day,
keeps the 200 guests golng. And golng.
Was it supposed to be a bit
of a comedy performance
or was it supposed to be serious?
W0MAN: We also have gorzaleczka.
- Gorzaleczka means wedding vodka!
- 0h, right!
What is wedding vodka?
Is that different from normal vodka?
W0MAN: Yeah, it is much stronger,
I have to say, it's almost 90%!
PALIN: And this is what
these people have been drinking
for the last six hours?
W0MAN: Yes! Like two bottles per head!
PALIN: Wow!
W0MAN: They prepared
1,600 bottles for this wedding!
(MEN SINGING)
PALIN: And they come back tomorrow,
don't they, some of them?
W0MAN: Tomorrow is after-party
and the day after tomorrow
is another after-party!
(PALIN LAUGHS)
They have to drink
all those bottle they prepared!
PALIN: 0h, they know how to get married,
these Poles, don't they?
I'm very happy for Marlusz and Berthe.
Thls Is a nlght they'll never forget.
And probably never remember.
I'm In the gorge of the Dunajec Rlver,
whlch, after my long journey
through the country,
wlll take me out of Poland.
And as I've learnt here In the Tatras,
mountaln people
have a speclal way of dolng thlngs.
(MEN SINGING)
Well, this for me is the last of Poland!
And I mean literally the last of Poland,
because this river marks
the southern border of the country!
So it's farewell and thank you
for everything to Poland,
and here we come Slovakia!