Night Court (1984) s01e06 Episode Script

That's it.
- How much? - A buck.
- You're kidding.
- Each.
What? I've never paid more than 75 cents for a shine.
Don't blame me, mister.
The whole industry's being deregulated.
Oh, would you look at that? All I got is a 100.
I'll have to get some change.
- Listen, you catch me later, okay? - But Court's in session.
This is boring, Miss Wagner.
Yes, sir.
I am really bored.
And another one.
Don't you ever get bored, Lana? I mean, don't you ever just feel like doing something crazy? You know, like: Not exactly like that.
Oh, come one.
When's the last time you did something crazy? - I don't know.
I don't remember.
- Oh, come on.
Well There was this one time about a month ago.
You know, I was home, and I was feeling a little silly.
And I decided to try on my old Girl Scout uniform.
Anyway, I did, and Emerson came over, and he saw me and he liked it, and he I'd rather not talk about it.
Let me guess.
He bought the cookies.
Next case, Your Honor.
- Good evening, Your Honor.
- Counselors.
Who have we got here? - You tell him.
- I am known by many names.
Pick one and tell it to the judge.
I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.
You've been saving this one for me, haven't you? I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.
Good choice.
To what do we owe this visit? The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding.
Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.
- I give.
How strange? - He trashed a diner.
Any particular reason? The defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg-salad sandwich, for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed.
" It's better when I do it.
Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave.
And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply.
But not in those words.
- Your Honor, may I approach the bench? - Yeah.
My client is obviously unbalanced.
I took the liberty of placing a call to Bellevue for an ambulance.
Mr.
Prosecutor? The people agree he's a few quarts low, Your Honor.
You're gonna look good as a pillar of salt.
The court hereby continues this case for an indefinite period until an evaluation is made of the defendant's fitness to stand trial.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Follow this gentleman if you please.
- Everything pleases me except John Denver.
Your Honor, pending the psychiatric examination the state moves to put this case The day of destruction is here! Rise up! Rise up and flee! Sit down.
Sit down.
Don't flee.
- This just in.
- What is it? Appears to be a death threat.
- A death threat? - Yeah.
"Dear Scum.
" It's for you, Harry.
"Death to Judge Stone.
Death to Judge Stone.
" Yeah.
It's for me, all right.
I don't believe this.
A threatening rock thrown into a court? What's this world coming to? I will see what their end shall be.
I will spend my arrows upon them.
I will set on fire the foundations of their mountains.
You do, and you'll answer to me.
They climbed the fire escape and threw it from the ledge right below the window.
- I can't believe that someone - Harry, get away from the window.
- Lana, come on now.
I admit it's scary, but it's probably just a prank or something.
A prank? You call "wanting to tear your eyes out of their sockets" a prank? - I didn't remember that part.
- Whoever it is has really bad penmanship.
Yeah.
You can barely make out "dead meat.
" No luck, Your Honor.
I ran downstairs, but I must have just missed him.
- You ran down 18 flights of stairs? - Yeah.
I figured he threw it from the ledge under the window.
I ran downstairs on the hypothesis that me and the perpetrator would hit the street at the same time.
- Not bad.
- But about the fourth floor it occurred to me he'd just slip into the crowd.
- Oh, right.
- Then again, I figured there was a chance that the sight of me barreling out of here might cause him to panic and flee, then I'd nab him.
- So, what happened? - Everyone panicked and fled.
Thanks, Bull.
I appreciate the effort.
Can I have a minute before court starts? I'd like to freshen up.
Sure.
Go ahead.
A person would have to be seriously deranged to actually do this stuff.
Know anyone like that in Manhattan? The courtroom's been cleared, Your Honor.
Whenever you're ready.
Thanks, Selma.
Well, shall we go out there and try to dispense some justice? Don't worry, sir.
I'm sure nothing will happen.
And this may be small comfort, but, on a personal note, I'd like you to know you're not without friends.
Thanks.
- That was sweet.
- I've got dibs on his parking space.
- I'm looking for Harold T.
Stone.
- I'm Harry Stone.
Must have just grazed you, huh? - Excuse me.
Who are you? - Womack.
Homicide.
Look, there must be some mistake.
Some babe called and said there was an attempt on your life.
Lana? Officer, I may have given you the impression that there was an attempt, but Oh, you said there was an attempt.
- Well, it's only a matter of time.
- Meanwhile, all we have is this.
It came in through the window.
Oh, yeah? Could be a rock.
Yes, and what are you going to do about it? Huh? Well, until he makes his move, nothing.
But when he does, it's a promise: He gets you, we'll get him.
The object here is to prevent that from happening.
Lana, you cannot take one threatening letter so seriously.
That's what the late Judge Cranston said.
- He did? - Yeah.
Course, you could get lucky and he might miss you.
Took them three whacks to snuff that judge in Florida.
- Did he get a rock too? - Rattlesnake in the mailbox.
- Clipped off the rattle so he couldn't hear it.
- Oh, that's awful.
No.
A snake just shrugs a thing like that off.
Anyway, the point of the story is that if somebody wants to kill you bad enough there ain't nothing you can do about it.
So have a nice day.
Thanks.
- Hey see you.
- See you.
You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes.
She did it so we could get some work done.
Tell me, do you worship regularly? Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.
Hey, mister, you got any change yet? No.
I haven't had a chance to get it yet.
I told you, you would get it.
I don't suppose you take Diners Club? Cash, chump.
Chump.
Come here.
Come.
Come here.
Here you go.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
Just a little advice, Your Honor.
Get a bulletproof vest.
Bull, I appreciate the concern, but I took a bullet in the stomach once from three feet.
- Sounds like you were real lucky.
- Yeah.
A few inches higher and I could have been hurt.
Bull, I think I'm just gonna take my chances.
Life is an adventure.
Let's face it.
You never know when you're gonna step in front of a bus or you're gonna eat the bad mushroom in the bunch.
Or, for that matter, when you're going to run into One of those things.
Okay, folks.
You can come on back in now.
- It's all clear.
- Are you sure it's all right? Sure.
Come on in.
Here, catch.
Bomb-squad humor.
I'm always clowning around like that.
Helps ease the tension.
Didn't take you long to dismantle this sucker, did it? That particular device is status nonfunctional.
- You mean it's a fake? - In layman's terms, yes.
You see, it's just some highway flares with a cheap alarm clock.
- Sure looked real enough to me.
- Well, but to the practiced eye You've gotta realize I've been in the explosive-disposal game for nearly a quarter of a century.
- No kidding? - Without a major mishap, I might add.
- Hey, Lou, how are you? - Womack.
All right.
Say, how's your partner Earl? Oh, he's fine.
- So, you're all set, then.
- Really? Hey, I heard he got it pretty bad in that drugstore blast.
Womack, I'm with a customer.
A little paperwork and I'll be gone.
I just wanna know if Earl is okay, that's all.
If I could just get you to sign right here.
They let him out of the hospital a couple of days ago.
- That's great.
So, what's he up to? - The alphabet.
He's working with some kind of therapist.
- I'll have to get a pen.
- Oh, here you go.
Here.
Help yourself.
- Thanks.
We'll be seeing you.
- Bye.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Goodbye.
- Hey, kid.
- Don't hit me.
What a card.
Listen, I finally got some change, okay? Got two fifties.
- I can't change a fifty.
- Too bad.
- Hey, mister! - Tax loss.
Think about it.
Harry? Are you all right? It's a strange feeling, thinking about the fact that somebody might actually want you dead.
Harry, listen, maybe you were right before.
I mean, the bomb was a fake, wasn't it? This time.
- I don't want - I know you can't please all the people but I do try to be fair in this job.
You are.
I need a couple of minutes to myself to think, but our schedule No.
I'll take care of that.
Your aspirin's in the top drawer.
- Mel Tormé tapes underneath.
- Thanks.
You can't let it stop you, young man.
- You again? - I'm everywhere.
So I've heard.
- Got a minute? - Look, I'm really not qualified to help you, Mr - I know, you think I'm crazy.
That wouldn't be the word I'd have chosen.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm used to it.
Imagine how Noah felt when I laid that ark number on him.
- Look, I really am busy.
- Then you won't let it stop you.
Good.
Not gonna let what stop me from what? This incident stop you from doing your job.
Doing what you were meant to do.
I never said anything about stopping my job.
No, not out loud.
A little parable.
Now stop me if you've heard it.
Two hungry shepherds in a desert with only one piece of fish to eat.
- Please.
- Where did they get the fish, right? It's not important.
Anyway, the tall one says - Did I mention one's taller than the other? - Please, what is your point? If it's worthwhile, it's worth some risk.
- Got it.
- When I tell it with the shepherds I get more yuks.
Thanks.
Maybe things will work out just fine.
- From your mouth to my ear.
- Right.
- How are you guys doing? - Oh, fine, Your Honor, but we were talking and thought maybe you should consider just closing up shop for tonight.
- Dan? - A note you can almost laugh off but this isn't funny anymore.
Well, you're right, but what about tomorrow? Do we shut down if something else happens? And what stops that? Honestly, I don't know what to do.
Well, it's creepy, but Let's get on with it.
Thanks.
- Lf anything should happen to me.
- What? Make sure this goes with me.
All right, people, if we could all find a seat, please.
Now, I know it has been a difficult night, so before we begin I want to commend you all.
You have shown amazing patience and understanding And reflexes.
At any rate, it is my intention to proceed here in spite of everything.
Now, I know this is a little scary, but what is the old saying? "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only once.
" But then, once is enough, isn't it? Harry, Your Honor, I've got great news.
I could use some.
What is it? Down in the parking lot just now there was a guy under the hood of your car, messing around with the wiring.
Say, that is great news.
No.
The great part is that the police caught him.
He's the guy who's been threatening you.
- How do they know? - He had another note in his pocket that matched the death threat.
And they're bringing him up to your office.
They're bringing him to my office? Why? I don't know.
People, I know this court hasn't conducted much business today and I appreciate your tolerance, but - It's okay.
We understand.
- Thanks.
- So, Harry, what are you gonna do? - What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? What do you say to somebody that wants to kill you? Come in.
That would not have been my first choice.
Your Honor, here's your man.
So to speak.
Oh, come on, sergeant.
This is a kid.
This is no killer.
Wait till you hear his prices.
You mean this kid was causing all the trouble? - What's your name? - Anthony.
That's all I'm saying till I talk to my lawyer.
So, what did I do? Why do you hate me so much? - Who said I did? - Oh, sorry.
Maybe I'm being sensitive.
When your note said you wanted to kill me, I jumped to the conclusion you hated me.
- I didn't want to kill nobody.
- No? No.
I just wanted to scare you.
Just a game.
Does the name Parcheesi mean anything to you? Does the name Antonio Rodriguez mean anything to you? - No.
I don't think so.
- That name means something to me.
And you made it dirt when you sent him to jail.
Oh, it's his father.
Yeah.
How did you figure that out, bruja? Bruja? It means "witch.
" Antonio Rodriguez.
Yes.
I remember him, Anthony.
- Let's see.
He committed - Burglary.
Second degree.
Burglary, that was it.
I do remember him.
I remember him very well.
- Don't you, Mr.
Prosecutor? - I see 1000 - Dan! - Tall guy.
Dark hair.
In fact, I have your father's file in my desk drawer, Anthony.
- Sir, there aren't any files in your desk - Lana, this file is in my desk.
- Oh, I get it.
- Here it is.
"Rodriguez, Antonio.
" - Your father.
- Yeah, and now he's a crook too.
Hey, he's just a guy who made a mistake, Anthony.
If it was just a mistake, how come he couldn't just apologize and you let him go? Because some mistakes are tougher to fix than others.
And burglary is definitely one of them.
I know this is gonna sound like a crock but maybe this'll be good for your dad if he uses this time while he's away to think about some stuff.
- What stuff? Stuff like, some things are too important to risk another mistake on.
- What's too important? - Well, to your father, you are, Anthony.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Look, it's very simple.
Hey, I'm only eight, pineapple-face.
That's a lifetime for some.
Do you know why I had your father's file in my drawer, Anthony? No.
Why? You almost know what's going on, don't you? I had this file because I was gonna write a letter to the parole board recommending that your father be released when eligible.
Why would you do that? Because something he said at the trial stuck with me.
He said, "Your Honor, I have a little boy that I love very much and if it takes the rest of my life, I'm gonna make this up to him.
" My father said that? After I sentenced him, so I know he meant it.
Pretty impressive, huh? I'll say.
I mean, I didn't even know he could speak English.
There was an interpreter there.
That guy could charm the pants off of anybody.
- I mean, except - You.
We know.
Knock it off.
Your Honor there's a major crime committed every 10 seconds in this city.
Now, if you're through coddling Sure, sergeant.
Would you do me a favor and take him home on your way back? Yeah, yeah.
I've been here six hours on the job, and I haven't even found a corpse yet.
You won't do anything like this again? - No, sir.
- And you know that what you did was not just a prank? Threatening someone's life is serious business.
Yes, sir, but if any of those kids at school call my daddy a crook again You tell them Judge Stone says it ain't so.
Okay.
Thank you, Judge Stone.
All right.
Hey, kid.
I found a couple of bucks In my other pocket.
Here.
Oh, look, here's something extra for you.
Keep it.
Gee.
A whole dime.
Thanks, mister.
Harry, you made that little boy very, very happy.
- Well, I hope so.
- You did.
You really did.
But, Your Honor suppose his father isn't exactly like the kind of man you described.
Why wouldn't he be? - You mean that's the file of - Antonio Rodriguez.
Yeah, Lana, where you been the last 15 minutes? You mean the fact that that boy was here and that you had this file in your desk was just Fate? He told the truth.
Brilliant.
I never suspected it.
And the kid fell for it.
You take care now.
I've been watching you today, young man.
Not bad.
- You do what you can.
- With what you have.
That's right.
Some people I give wisdom.
Some people I give talent.
Pia Zadora I gave nothing.
Everything's locked up, Your Honor.
Thanks, Bull.
Good night.
Yeah.
Listen, I guess it was kind of a rough night for you, huh? And I know the way you like, you know, tricks and jokes and all that so, well I just wanted you to have this.
Really? It says "peanut brittle.
" Yeah.
Open it.
Here goes.
Bull, it's empty.
I didn't think you could take it all at once.