Nighty Night s01e06 Episode Script

(Dog whimpering) Come on, Michael.
Let's play ball ball.
(Excited barking) (Alarm) Get it.
Oh! Get off me! (Cathy) If you insist on going over there you might as well give her this.
Make sure she knows it's from both of us.
Hello? Jill? Jill? - Hi, Don.
- Hi.
- How's you? - I'm fine, but we heard your alarm.
Is there someone in the garden? It's just the dog, Don, chasing blue tits.
- Terry's funeral hit him very hard.
- I thought I saw a tall figure.
He's got a surprising height when he's on his back legs.
Yeah.
Can I get you a Scotch, Don? No, no I'm meant to be cutting down.
- Cheers.
- Is this Cath? Mm.
- (Knocking) - What? Tits, Don.
Confused by the glass.
Sad, really.
They never learn.
- Terry? - Jill! Why do you keep locking me in here? Terry, stop asking questions.
You'll exhaust yourself.
I'm freezing, Jill.
Terry, you are reeking of sweat.
Come on.
Let's get these off.
There we are.
Get them in the wash.
Phew! - Drink up for Jill.
- This stuff's disgusting.
Goes right There.
Let's get you comfortable.
Jill, no! Terry, some men paid good money for this.
There we are.
Come on, Terry.
We could renew our vows in Hopperton.
Yes.
I wonder where my sausages are.
I wonder how Jill took it.
Did you stay while she read the letter? Such a relief to have said those things.
It'll boost your immune system, Terry.
Dr Wivel said.
What are you doing? Get off me! There are some hospital notes at our house about a Terry Tyrell who was released quite some time ago in recovery from bowel cancer.
- What are you trying to say, Cath? - It's a little odd because Are you saying I held a funeral for a man who isn't dead? - It just seems a little odd that - Are you saying he's here? It's odd that he hasn't Are you saying he's lying upstairs, sopping wet, starving to death in nothing but a nappy, lolloping about on the bed? It just seems odd, Jill, that this Terry hasn't been for any treatment and Don thought he'd seen somebody around.
We just thought it would be a good idea to check.
Do you want to search my house? - Not search - You want a good old poke about? Go ahead.
Go on.
- Don.
- Go on.
- Cath, do you - Don.
Right.
Look, Jill, this is ridiculous.
Sorry.
Obviously you wouldn't have It's ridiculous.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Cathy.
I'm sorry I intruded.
Thank you, Cathy! It's just a Terry Tyrell with cancer Don - Terry is just a very popular name.
- Of course.
- Particularly when he was born.
- Yes.
You got Terry Waite, Terry Wogan Terry and June.
That woman off Play Away - Brian Cant's friend.
- Toni Arthur? - Yeah.
(Cathy) Don! - I'm double-jointed, Don.
- Really? - My hips go both ways.
- Don! Why don't I ring the hospital and explain it's a mix up and, um At least this other Terry's on the mend.
This other Terry, he will die though, won't he? Poor, poor man, if he don't get his treatment? No.
It's just belt and braces, really.
Basically, he's cured.
(Glenn) We should get married as soon as possible.
We could buy a ring this afternoon.
I'd rather stay in, Glenn.
I'm so loved up.
I feel like we're Romeo and Juliet.
I'm quite the giddy kipper myself.
We haven't left the house in three and a half weeks.
With Terry so freshly buried, I can't go rubbing you in people's faces.
No.
I suppose that kissing is still on the menu? Would you care for a sticky starter? Oh, it's so nice I think I'll just have a little shower first.
Right.
I could come in with you.
I saw it in a film once.
I could do a slow strip and rub Vosene in your hair.
Sounds lovely.
Maybe on our wedding night.
OK.
OK.
- Do you mind if I just? - No.
- Just squeeze by you, Glenn.
- That's fine.
- There we are.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Right.
I'd better go and have that shower.
Oh, I think I may have left a little gift in there.
Really? I love pressies.
Er, no.
I mean, I think I may have blocked the toilet.
It can only cope with modest-sized stools and after that lamb bhuna - Was it very big? - Give a weasel a run for its money.
Right.
Well, er I'll go and break its back.
(Doorbell) - We won't be seeing him again.
- Jill? We have been so worried about you.
Oh! Ooh! - And now this.
- I didn't know you knew each other.
I didn't know you were planning to wed Glenn, is it? Glenn, yes.
When you rang, I had no idea you meant Jill by the way you described her.
Well, we're aware that tongues may wag because of our hasty nuptials, Gordon, but Jill was desperate to make our love official, as am I.
Not just because of the consummation! When you've found your soul mate, Gordon - Not to say Terry wasn't, but he wasn't.
- Mm.
Nor was Rachel, my late wife.
We were teacher and pupil.
But we're going to be a proper family, aren't we? - Like the Brady Bunch.
- They should never have let them out.
Have you been back to the house since the funeral? No.
I can't face it, Gordon.
Have you heard about Cath and Don? (Slurring) I can't help it if all these women want to know me.
Darling how about a? - Hmm? - Dr Cole? Hopperton won't be able to accept you and your wife.
I'm going to Hopperton on my own.
I want the marriage annulled.
- We should talk about this.
- There's nothing to talk about.
No.
You're being very I mean I do love you.
I mean Unfortunately, I don't love you any more, Don.
In fact, you disgust me.
Yeah.
They're separating.
It's very sad.
- Don's left Cath.
- No.
Don was our local doctor, Glenn.
- Right.
- More than a doctor, Gordon.
Yes.
He was a keen golfer.
You mustn't trust doctors, Gordon.
They lie.
They tell you your condition will get better in time Look at me.
Forgetting my manners.
Who wants a cup of tea? Gordon? - Glenn? - Yes.
Perhaps you'd have the decency to make the vicar a cup of tea.
Oh, right, yes.
He's nice.
- Gordon? - Mm-hm? I think I know why Don left Cath.
It's my fault.
He was in love with me, Gordon.
I tried to fight him off, but I'm just a really physical person.
God knows I tried to save their marriage.
That's why I threw that farewell coffee morning.
(d Kylie Minogue: Can't Get You Out Of My Head) d I just can't get you out of my head d Boy, your loving's all I think about d I just can't get you out of my head d Boy, it's more than I dare to think about d La la-la, la la la-la-la d La la-la, la la la-la-la d I just can't get you out of my head d Boy, your loving's all I think about d I just can't get you out of my head d Boy, it's more than I dare to think about d Every night d Every day d Oh, Jill.
Terry, for Christ's sakes! Dr Wivel warned me about this.
He said this would happen in the final stages.
The tumour squeezes out the brain like a cuckoo.
Have you seen yourself? - Hm? - Dear Christ.
Oh (Mumbles) - Terry.
- Oh.
- Terry.
- (Mumbles) Get into bed.
Back you go.
I'm just going to strap you in, OK? - Why are you strapping me in? - Dr Wivel says.
(Doorbell) Oh, Jill! I'm sorry I'm sorry Believe me! - What? Linda, what? Who? - Terry.
He's all demi, Jill.
Tall demi and a bra.
- I think he wants me to tell you.
- Tell me what, Linda? Oh, Jill Remember when you and Terry were going to Phantom On Ice? Yes.
But you went alone in case you met Michael Crawford? Yes, and I did.
And I set the salon on fire.
- Yes.
- And Terry put it out.
He bought me a curry for the shock, then we had a pizza in the park.
I had his.
And then I got a Chinese for the bus.
Is this going to take long? Then I come back here and I was sobbing with tummy ache, so he pulled me to his chest and I could hear his heart thumping like a drum.
And I told him he was lovely and he told me I was lovely too.
- And then we done it.
- Where? In the front.
I offered him both, but he said he was happy with the front.
Dennis only likes it in the back.
Where in my house? In your bed and on the stairs.
And in the bed again.
And in the cupboard where the hoover is.
I'm sorry, Jill.
I'm so sorry.
(d La Bamba) d Oh, Lord, I want to sing your praises Hey-up.
d I want to praise your name every day d Alleluia d Allelu d Alleluia d Allelu d - Oh, Don.
- (Slurring) I've got to lie down.
No, Don, no.
Don! Don! No! No, Don! - The bedroom's a bit cluttered.
- I'll lie down here.
No, please, Don.
You need a proper sit down.
There we are.
Have a little drinky if you're thirsty.
I'll just nip upstairs, give my bedroom a tidy.
I want to lie down.
Jill? I want to lie down.
d I was walking in the park d Dreaming of a spark d When I heard the sprinklers whisper d Oh, my God, Don.
You look gorgeous.
d Then I heard the children singing d They were running through the rainbows d They were singing a song for you d Well, it seemed to be a song for you d The one I wanted to write for you d - Should I have told Cath? - Oh, Jill.
If he was very drunk, he might not have even known he was doing it.
- How many times? - Five.
He might have known some of the times.
Five? As for golf Lovely cup of tea.
Cappuccino would have been nice.
Sorry.
We were worried about you.
Sue's been calling round.
There's an awful pong coming from your house.
She even contacted the council.
She was scared they might find a dead body.
- Gosh.
- What does she mean, Gordon? Well, we thought you might actually have gone through with it.
With what? Ended it all.
Taken your own life.
I know you have tried.
Dear Jill.
Darling, we've got so much in common.
Still, you're all right, eh? And the council are coming round today, so Glenn, could I have a word, please? - Is this about the cappuccino? - Partly.
Glenn, I need to tell you something, OK? I don't want you to think differently of me.
- No.
- Promise.
Promise.
I killed Terry.
So it was a mercy killing.
He was trying to pull me to him and the cushion got in the way.
I knew we could never be together while Terry stood between us.
The least you can do is take the blame.
I can't live like this.
It's an emotional roller coaster.
The vicar can't leave here.
Does he need a lift? I'm asking you to kill him, Glenn.
He's the only person alive who knows I'm here, apart from you.
Jill, you're asking me to slay a man of the cloth? Exactly.
He'd be a lot happier up there than he would be down here.
It's what he'd want, deep down.
The poor man can't commit suicide.
Do you want us to be equals? Of course I do.
How can we have a mature, balanced relationship if I've killed and you haven't? Oh, Jill.
I wouldn't know where to begin to kill a vicar.
Well I've popped a little bit of poison into this Angel Delight.
All you've got to do is make him eat it.
- Everything all right? - Fancy some Angel Delight? I'm not really a fan of Angel Delight.
I'm lactose intolerant.
I get gassy.
It is my birthday, Gordon.
Oh.
- Happy birthday.
- 27.
No, I'm not really a fan.
I can take it or leave it.
I'd rather you didn't leave it, Gordon.
Are we all having some? One for Glenn.
Spoon for Glenn.
d Happy birthday to Jill - d Happy birthday to Jill d - Take it, Gordon! d Happy birthday, dear Jill d Happy birthday to Jill d d For she's a jolly good fellow (Both) d For she's a jolly good fellow - d For she's a jolly good fellow d - Eat up.
d And so say all of us d Do the hokey-cokey d Do the hokey-cokey d - Erm - That nice, Gordon? What flavour is this, Jill? It's a mixture, Gordon.
Banana, chocolate and butterscotch.
It's nana-choco-scotch! (Mutters) (Retches) - Oh, my God, Jill! - It's all right, Glenn.
It's all right.
I love you.
Don't feel guilty, Glenn.
You had to do it, OK? - I love you.
- I need you to do one more little thing.
- Oh, Jill, please.
- Then we can have sex.
Intercourse before marriage? Would you mind just phoning up and confessing? - Just so our conscience is clear.
- To slaying the vicar? Won't I go to prison? Hello? Um Police, please.
Yes.
Hello? My name's my name's Glenn Bulb.
I have to tell you I've killed a vicar.
- Gordon Fox.
- Sorry? - Gordon Fox.
- Gordon Fox.
Yes.
- Yes, I have.
Sorry.
Just a moment.
- Glenn.
Would you just say Terry as well? Terry Tyrell.
Terry Tyrell.
Right.
And Terry Tyrell.
Bye.
- I love you, Glenn.
- I love you.
- I want you so badly.
- Can we have the intercourse now? Oh, Glenn.
Oh, Glenn Oh, Glenn.
I want you so badly.
Oh, Glenn.
Oh, Glenn.
What kind of life is it going to be if you go to prison? - I don't know.
- It's no life, is it? There's only one real way out of this.
We go together.
- To prison? - To death.
Like Romeo and Juliet, Glenn.
- We'll be together for ever, darling.
- I don't want to die.
Oh, Glenn.
Rachel will be waiting for you, your mum and dad - (Groans) - Gordon.
Come on, Glenn.
Let's eat up like in the ice-cream adverts.
- I can feed you from behind.
- Oh, Jill Yeah? Then we can have the intercourse.
- You promise? - Yeah.
- There's a good boy.
- Jill, I love you.
I love you, Glenn.
- Oh, yes.
- I'm so happy.
There.
Is that nice, Glenn? There's a good boy.
Oh, lovely.
Your turn now, Jill.
Your turn.
I'm not really hungry, Glenn.
(Dials number) Hello, Don? It's Jill.
(Terry screams) No!