No Heroics s01e06 Episode Script

Poor Thundermonkey.
A terrible, terrible waste of human life.
A terrible, perfectly avoidable waste of human life.
I'm not gonna feel guilty.
Give me one reason why I should.
Well, you goaded him about being a rubbish superhero, so he went and picked a fight with a supervillain.
Called Slice Fist.
Who made mince meat of him - literally.
That's not my fault.
Technically, it is.
Technically, your new beard makes you look like a fucking Bee Gee - the camp one.
He's dead, too.
Also not my fault.
And the monkeys.
Those poor, poor monkeys.
Not exactly the best form of attack against a man with big, slicy razors for fists.
Alex, have some respect! Right.
We gotta keep it together.
Well said, Don.
Cos once we burn this bastard, we can all get shit-faced.
What? It's a free bar.
Heroes and heroines, if I can just have your attention, please? Simon was a hero.
In life, he stood shoulder to shoulder with us all.
He stood tall, he stood proud, he stood .
.
in the cloakroom, mainly, taking our coats.
Of course, he had his moments.
Can anybody remember any of these moments off the top of your head? Anyone? Any Literally anything? Er, yeah.
Once, he stopped me from bringing in a can of Lilt.
Ah, yes.
He loved to enforce that "No outside food and drink rule", eh? And the coats.
He loved them coats.
Poor Simon.
This is the worst funeral ever.
She's right.
Have you seen the buffet? We could always kill what's on your face and eat that.
Don't.
I think it's nice that Alex has grown a beard for Simon's funeral.
Yeah, it's not for the funeral.
I've got a meeting.
Who with? The Amish? With an agent, actually.
One who's over here recruiting.
What for? Al-Qaeda? For the United Capes of America, monkey killer.
It's not gonna be so funny when I'm a member of the biggest superhero team in the world.
Yeah, that could happen! Just don't get your hopes up.
They're seeing a lot of capes.
Astroburn.
Sergeant Sparkle.
Even Thrush.
That reminds me - I need to piss.
But the beard is gonna make me stand out.
In a police line-up.
It says serious.
Serious sex offender.
Why do you wanna go to America? Why not? Name one single thing I've got going for me here.
Perhaps you've got some good friends who you'd miss.
No, no, just you lot.
Oh, I see, that's what you meant.
Well, at least I didn't kill someone.
For the last time, I didn't kill him.
You can't taunt someone to death.
Don, can I have a quick word? It's a work matter.
You see, the thing is, me and some of the lads, we're pretty keen to track down this Slice Fist.
Get revenge? Mess him up a bit? Bring the pain? Actually, we were thinking more send him to prison.
The trouble is, we can't find the prick.
He didn't leave a trail? No.
Just a shit load of monkey guts.
Oh, that's tragic.
We've managed to catch someone who knows where he's hiding.
I've got him downstairs in the cellar right now.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Listen, I'm retired.
I gave up torture for Lent.
Well, just remember you made me do this.
I'll cut off your bar tab.
You wouldn't.
You would! You heartless bastard! Attaboy! Now, wash your hands.
Let's get to it.
For he's a jolly good monkey For he's a jolly good monkey And so say all of us You know he won't go to America, right? What? Alex.
I saw the way you were looking at him.
Because he looks like Rasputin.
You used to like it when he grew a beard.
Cos it covered his face.
Come on, a day like today, you must be thinking life's too short.
Jumping into bed with my ex is not the mature, adult way to deal with death.
You're right.
If you'll excuse me, I need to get completely twatted.
Yeah.
Kim.
Kim, right? Alex.
The Hotness.
Please be kidding.
No, it's really me.
You were taller.
What's that? In the publicity shots.
And this is not an athletic build.
Well, no, I am very sporty.
I used to play badminton at school.
And what's with the beard? That's new.
We're putting together a team of superheroes, not a fucking paedophile ring.
I'm not married to it.
Let me be 100% honest with you here, Aled.
Alex.
I am truly disappointed.
OK, quite honest.
You're not United Capes of America material.
The beard, the teeth, the body shape, the whole of your face.
Wow.
Honest, honest, honest.
You love that honesty.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
I'm gonna go.
OK, wait.
There's more to me than looks.
I'm The Hotness.
You're a heat guy.
I've got heat guys coming out of my ass.
If I let this opportunity pass without doing everything I possibly can, I'll never forgive myself.
Please.
I I need this.
Please make me famous! Wow.
Truly beautiful speech.
Still no.
Now they've asked me to do this reality show.
Heroes On Horses? That's the one, yeah.
It's prime time.
They've got Madeley hosting.
So it's not gonna be any old tacky shit.
Excuse me.
What? It's no smoking in The Fortress.
Really? How do you explain that, then? No, seriously, thanks for the heads-up.
I really appreciate it.
How's the book coming, then? Oh, don't ask.
The publisher wants me to call it Search For The Hero Inside Yourself.
Jesus wept! What is it, the '90s? I don't mean to interrupt, but I'd appreciate it if you put that out.
It's Simon's funeral and rules were his thing.
Relax.
I'm pretty certain he's not gonna find out about it.
Yeah, not after the whole cremation business.
Please, the least we can do is respect his rules just for today.
You do what you like, Meat Loaf.
I'm gonna get wankered.
Fancy another? Breathe in.
Poor Simon.
Ah, Doom Ball, mate.
I got a little visitor for you.
You know, in Beirut, they call him "The Master of Misery".
In Northampton, "The Prince of Pain".
Here we just call him Timebomb.
Hi.
All right? This guy's the best in the business.
Oh, sh! The single most violent individual I've met.
I don't know about that.
Number one in the world out of six billion people Dave, Dave, a quick word.
You're building me up too much.
I haven't tortured anyone in a while.
You'll be fine.
You have a gift for this thing.
Come on.
So What do you say, Doom Bollocks? Are you ready to talk to us? No.
If I rat on Slice Fist, he'll chop my face off.
But this this is a man that got a name out of the Dance Master just by swapping his eyes.
Swapping them with what? With each other.
From left to right.
Jesus! That's absolutely disgusting.
What about sewing an onion inside someone's leg to see what happens? Oh, my God.
Why would you even do that? You know, slow day.
Are you ready to talk to us, tell us where Slice Fist is hiding? Well, in that case, I'll leave you girls alone.
Do us a favour.
If there's gonna be a lot of fluids, just put some tarps down in here.
Thanks.
Sorry, so embarrassing.
Ah, Electro Gash! Piss off, Devlin.
Why's everyone so bloody moody tonight? It's a funeral.
Oh, yes.
Poor Thundermonkey.
Utter, utter, utter cock.
Probably a good thing you didn't do the eulogy.
So, do you fancy a drink? Oh, my God, that's your sex voice.
You're actually trying to get me into bed.
No, not just you.
Everyone, really.
There's me feeling all special.
If it's any consolation, you were top of my list.
Well, top four, behind Angel Fox.
Angel Fox is virtually a nun.
But funerals make chicks extremely vulnerable.
Come on, what are you drinking? Fine, I'll have another shot.
But just to make it clear, you have absolutely no chance.
Is that a challenge? If you want.
Excellent.
You won't last ten minutes.
And no mind control.
Bollocks.
Make that half an hour.
Orca, two shots of Gamma Meister, please.
And there's more rescue stuff there.
There's a couple of New Power Express reviews.
This would almost be sweet if it wasn't the most pathetic fucking thing I'd ever seen.
Kim, I'm the real deal.
I've got profile.
"Hot man burns down 16th century church.
" Ah, now, not my fault.
There was an arson attempt.
I tried to fight fire with fire.
It turns out that doesn't work.
So that whole phrase is really misleading.
Well, hats off.
You're officially the most dick-brained superhero I've ever met.
OK, fine.
I get the message.
I'm not what you're looking for.
Do you know what, your loss! Cos this isn't the least you've heard of The Hotness.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! You, you're that guy.
What? The comic relief.
The screw-up.
The fat best friend.
It's not fat, it's beer bloat.
I can't believe I didn't see it before.
The bumbling, repressed, English What's the word? Gentleman? Shit for brains.
I see where this is going.
Come on, you wanna be the funny English fuck-up in my all-new United Capes of America? Kim, I'm a real superhero.
I'm not about to whore my powers out for a quick buck or a cheap laugh.
10,000 a week.
What's wrong with being a whore, anyway? I like whores.
In principal.
You know, you really do have an exceptional set of milk bags.
OK, so you've tried flattery and that's not really working for you.
OK, fine, what about philosophy? This should be good.
Wanna know a secret? Is it about your penis? Not this time.
See all these pathetic little knob jockies? Our valued friends and colleagues.
The reason they're sad is, there's one truth they can't accept.
There is no God.
Oh, this is sexy.
My knees have gone wobbly.
Because we are the gods.
So refreshing to meet a man without any ego.
You and me, we're pure powers, 100% hero.
So it's our duty, not for us, but for our fellow man, to preserve the bloodline, standing tall, heading back to mine and rutting like wild pigs.
Right.
You know how Nazi you just sounded? Oh, that's gotta be worth a blowie at least.
Still a no, Goebbels.
Look, you can level with me.
Are you actually a lesbian? Just get on with it! The waiting is torture.
Really? So, listen, why don't we just hang down here for an hour or something? That wouldn't really work.
I gotta level with you.
Between you and me, I'm a little out of practice.
Oh, God, not the old rusty torturer routine.
No, actually, I'm serious.
Let me guess, your hand's shaking so much, you won't be able to slash straight.
Listen to me - I invented the whole rusty torturer bit.
This is not it.
At least it's something to tell the guys down The Stronghold.
What is The Stronghold? Villains only bar on Wardour Street.
Oh, OK.
Whatever happens, I can still walk in there - hobble, whatever - and say, "I got tortured by Timebomb.
" Really? You wouldn't say that.
Absolutely.
Do you know what, every villain in that bar would buy me a drink.
They love your work down The Stronghold.
I'm touched.
OK, you know what, I refuse to let my public down.
I'll give you something special, something you can show off to your villain friends.
Just get on with it.
Hey, this could work.
Let me guess - you're looking after them for a friend? Well, yeah.
Look, I don't care whose sonic grenades they are.
I want them out of my pub now! Not giving you any grief are they? Just keeping an eye on the rules.
That's what he would have wanted.
Yes, Simon did love those rules.
The number of times he had me over the "No under-age girls" thing.
Right.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Oh, for goodness sake.
No drinks on the urn! What a twat.
So you've tried getting me pissed, you've tried bad philosophy.
How else are you gonna get in my knickers? I haven't started on the powers yet.
First up, super speed.
Disgusting.
Then there's x-ray vision.
I can see inside you, be on your G-spot like a fox on a chicken.
This is hilarious.
Come on, everyone's at it.
Even Hot Pants is getting his knob wet.
Don't tell me you're still into that little cock puppet.
That's a business meeting.
He looks he's about to do the business and blow his beans.
I don't give a shit.
I'm not interested in Alex.
(ALEX AND KIM LAUGH) All right, fine.
Let's go to yours.
What? Get in! Shut up.
I'm using you just as much as you're using me.
Bla bla.
And no spooning.
This is just a funeral fuck.
My favourite.
Come on then, before I change my mind.
Grab your cape.
You've pulled.
Of course I bloody have.
You know, let's have one more drink before we go.
Oh, Christ.
So, what do you say? Let's make this official.
Get me pregnant so I can't walk away.
What, seriously? Right now, I'm in? Yeah.
Now just sign this thing and let's get ruined.
Now, where can I score some bam-bam? I've got a four-hour meeting in the Benelux to get through about selling superhero pyjamas.
What, sorry? OK, so who's the brunette? No-one.
It's not important.
Well, whoever she is, I'm sure she'll still be around to lick your balls in 12 months' time.
She never did lick my balls.
What's 12 months? That's how long you'll be our bitch slave.
One year in LA, fully committed to the United Capes.
Right.
Actually, Kim, I need to think about this.
Don't tell me you're going soft before you've even put it in me.
No, no, I'm still hard.
And I really wanna put it in you.
It's just moving away is a big thing.
I guess that makes this make your mind up time.
So, while I go hail a cab, I need you to decide what you really want.
Is it the money, the fame, the sex, the drugs, the rock 'n' roll? Or that brown-haired skank? When you put it like that I'll call you in five.
Oh, and just so you know, it looks to me like your little girlfriend is about to screw someone else anyway.
After you.
Get that drink off the mother-frickin' urn! Oh, back off, Rambo, we're just trying to have a good time.
No, you're breaking the rules, Simon's rules.
I'm not gonna let you do that.
Oh, wow! I'm shitting myself.
What are you gonna do? Cuddle me to death? That's it.
Get out.
Or what? Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm She-Force, the world's third strongest woman.
Where are you on that list? Nowhere.
I've got ice powers and I'm a man.
Hey, and no powers in The Fortress, remember? Oh, balls.
Yeah, tough luck, Chunk-Force.
Right, whose round is it? I feel a Mai Tai coming on.
Still, I always think rules are a little bit like noses.
What does that mean? Made to be broken.
Can I call you a taxi? Sarah.
What? It's Nothing.
Great.
Well, thanks for letting me know.
OK, I'm not going to LA.
What? I'm not going to LA.
I didn't know you were.
And I know you really likesex.
But, please, not him.
Why not? It's just Devlin, he's always had everything I've wanted.
He doesn't have a beard like a Lebanese sex offender, if that's any consolation.
I'm serious.
He's got everything.
And I just don't want him having you, too.
And? And please don't let Devlin knob you.
OK, that's either really sweet or really fucking creepy.
Let's go with sweet.
OK.
Great.
(MOBILE RINGS) Better get this.
Hey, man, it's K.
I'm not gonna wait around forever here.
I love you.
I even love the beard.
You're Benny Hill meets Kenny Branagh in a cape.
Is that good? Oh, yeah.
I'm wet for you.
You could really shift us some lunchboxes in shit-dumb Arkansas.
Well, that's really nice.
It's just OK, OK.
Let's skip the fingering, get straight to the sex.
Final offer before I take it off the table.
$20,000 after tax.
Plus your own action figure.
Whoa Can it have glowing hands? (GROANS) Now, be honest.
(WAILS) Is it too much? No.
But it really hurts.
And the peanuts under the fingernails, are they working? Yes! The salt's killing me.
Nice touch.
Perfect.
Oooh! Oh, I'm having so much fun, I almost forgot to ask, are you ready to talk? I can't and I'm genuinely sorry.
Could you bear with me one second? Oooh, nasty! What was it? Nothing, just a quick future flash to see what I'm gonna do to you next.
Just tell me, please! Doom Boy, you are gonna love this.
I need to cover the walls.
OK, I'll tell you.
Slice Fist is at the ship yard! Oh, really? Yes, yes, I'll draw you a map Wait a minute.
Did you really just see something or was that a trick? Don't know what you're talking about.
You tricked me and I totally fell for it! Yeah, I know.
Oh, that's so annoying! Oh, I am back, baby.
I'm back! Hey, you want a drink? Maybe you can give me some feedback, tell me what you liked, what you didn't like.
Yeah, why not? It's a pleasure torturing you.
Wish I could say the same.
Aaargh-ieee! Oh.
You need a straw.
I need a straw.
OK, let's get back to mine so we can put the pickle in the hair sandwich.
Yeah, as appetising as that sounds, I'm gonna give it a miss.
You're not being serious? You're turning down having sex with me? Oh, please, don't embarrass yourself.
You're not dumping me for that? Maybe, maybe not.
OK, fine.
Gosh, how will I ever recover? I know.
Who wants to come home with me tonight? Me! Yeah? OK, you and you.
OK, you as well but walk at the back.
Now, which of you has the longest fingers? I suspect it's you.
Come along! Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Still here.
Devlin rustled himself up an orgy.
It was quite impressive.
He is good like that.
Alex, I'm just gonna say this.
Did you turn down the LA thing because of me? Kind of, yeah.
OK.
What does that mean for us? Actually, it's a bit tricky.
Alex, just say it.
It's not like I give a shit or anything.
OK.
I AM going to LA! What? They doubled the offer.
Plus action figure! Are you serious? Yeah! An actual action figure of me! You fucking twat.
It'll have glowing hands.
Come on, LA, baby! Brilliant.
"A handful of costumed heroes turn out for the funeral of Thundermonkey.
" We've got a map! We've got our powers! We know where Slice Fist is hiding! Now, in the name of Thundermonkey, who's coming with me? Bunch of bastards.
That's it, then.
Another hero gone.
Hey, don't be sad.
I'll come back and visit.
She's talking about Simon, you dick.
Right.
Hi, Sarah.
I'll miss you, too, Alex.
I'll miss this.
I'll miss us.
God, what is this? The Waltons? I'm being serious.
Think about it.
This could be the last time we'll all be together.
Yeah, suppose it is.
Yeah, it's kind of sad.
Would it be a real cliche if I made a toast? Yep.
Definitely.
Right.
Oh, screw it! We all know the toast.
Ready? ALL: To us! To LA! OK, can we do that again? I wanna live in Los Angeles But not the one in Los Angeles Not the one in South California They got one in South Patagonia I wanna live in Los Angeles But not the one in Los Angeles They got a bunch down in moleville They got a bunch more still