Nobodies (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

Oh.
Good morning, Lois.
Good morning.
Rachel, thank you so much for volunteering.
No, I love doing Family Readers Day.
Do you know which, uh, parent is doing it with me? 'Cause I hope it's not Kenny's mom, if you know what I mean.
B-I-T-C-H.
She's actually my sister-in-law.
I-N-apostrophe.
You didn't let me finish.
She's bitchin'.
Such a cool lady.
Actually, Lincoln's mom will be reading with us today.
Which one's Lincoln? Oh good morning, Lincoln.
- Hi, Kristen.
- Hi.
Why don't you guys go join your groups, okay? - Yeah, go make friends with Lincoln.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Kristen, this is Rachel.
She's Lois' mom.
- Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi, Kristen Bell.
Nice to meet you.
You're so pretty.
- Thank you.
- And not wearing the clothes you slept in last night like I am.
Are you depressed? What? Fight the stigma.
Okay.
Own it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm a little depressed.
Did you bring your books? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, great.
This will be fun.
Come on, friend.
Okay.
Okay, attention.
Guppies, today you will be with Lincoln's mom.
She's a big movie star.
She was Anna in "Frozen".
- (kids cheering) - Huh? I know! I love that movie! I love it so much.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, and guppies, today, you're gonna be with Lois' mom.
She's Lois Lois' mom.
All right, have fun, everyone.
(chuckles) Thank you for that lovely introduction.
(clears throat) "My name is Sandy and I love being sassy.
"My dog's name is Wanda and I'm sassy too.
Woof, woof, woof!" (kids) Woof, woof, woof.
I'm gonna be reading a very important story about a very important subject, okay? It's called "Under the Stairs: A Child's Story of the Holocaust".
Do you guys know what the Holocaust is? No? All right.
Well, let's find out together.
(clears throat) "Anya crouched under the stairwell "shaking with fear.
"'Bubbe, ' she cried, 'who are we hiding from? "'Quiet, Anya, ' whispered her bubbe, 'your knees are knocking and they'll find us.
'" Can you guys see that? (Kristen) Woof, woof, woof! (children laughing) "My mom is going to Paris.
Oui, isn't that sassy?" (children) Oui! "I can shimmy my hips.
Can you shimmy your sassy hips?" Give it a try.
(all giggling) This isn't formal ballet technique, but I did study modern at the Tisch School of the Arts, so it comes in handy.
Okay, one, two, three, eyes on me.
(snapping) Right here.
Kenny.
Can you look at me, please? Thank you.
Do you guys like oo-choo trains? Chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga.
Here comes a choo-choo.
"Anya wept as Bubbe was thrown onto the train.
"A cold wind blew as Anya stood alone under a leaden sky.
" Can you see the leaden sky from the back? (Kristen) Sassy pants! Sassy pants! Sassy Sandy sassy pants! (applause) (phone clicks) I didn't know we could have props.
You guys are a great live audience, and I've done Broadway.
- Oh, and FYI - What's that? Can we go over to Lincoln's mom? Don't you want to know how this ends? Okay.
Go.
Oh, hello, new friends.
Welcome.
Just so you know, Anya does not die.
Six million others do.
(teacher) You're wonderful! You're wonderful! Thank you! (giggles) Hey, Rachel! Hmm? Oh.
- Hey.
Great job.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry if I pulled focus.
- No.
I for one think that the story you were reading - was really important.
- Depressing, and important.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, where did you get that sweatshirt? - I need one.
- Well, now you're just being mean.
No, I'm serious.
I love "The Fartlemans".
It's always on in my house.
Well I I write on it.
- Get out! - No.
It's my kid's favorite show.
Skippy Fartleman is hilarious.
Well, I've never heard anybody say that ever.
- Ever! - Well, I mean it.
And if you took away the fart noises, the writing is actually really, really funny.
Although if you remove the fart noises, - the show would be like 30 seconds long.
- Yeah.
(both laugh) Um, wow.
Have you written anything else? Uh, yeah, actually, we just wrote a movie.
A "Fartlemans" movie?! Oh, no, uh, it's an adult movie.
Oh, you wrote a porno? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
A normal movie for adults.
It's a comedy about the Oh.
first female president and her male first lady.
- Oh! Keep hope alive.
- Right? - Right? - Female Ugh empowerment.
Can I read it? I just I would love to read something like that.
Can I give you my email so you could send it to me? Oh, my God, yes! - Yes, I would love that.
- Okay.
- Me too.
- Okay, uh, yeah, go.
It's kristenbell69@aol.
com.
- Oh.
- I got it when I was single.
You see this article on "Deadline" about Melissa? Who is no longer taking a break from acting.
She gonna do our movie? No.
You know why? Because she's doing the Vin Diesel movie, not our movie, officially.
- My God.
- Yeah.
(man) Oh, that's bad news.
So, you only have her husband Ben Falcone? Is he even famous? You're not supposed to know about our movie, and the only reason you do know about our movie is 'cause you go in our office and get on Rachel's computer and look at pornography.
So we still need to attach a famous woman.
Are you guys talking about "Mr.
First Lady"? What about Kristen Bell? Oh, I love Kristen Bell.
I vote for Kristen Bell.
What made you think of Kristen Bell? Her kid goes to Lois' school.
She's a huge "Fartlemans" fan.
Really? Is she insane? I know, and she asked to read our script.
That's amazing.
She's a big movie star.
I know.
And Kristen said Dax would be perfect for the first lady.
Dax Shepard? So, they're married in real life? I thought that was just, you know, for the commercials.
- (exhales sharply) - Amazing.
Wow, we could be getting Kristen Bell.
I mean, that is this is crazy.
Amazing.
You know what I think? I think we might be getting a lot closer to popping this little girl's cherry.
Piu! (chuckles) You know what that means? What, popping champagne? (both chuckle) Oh my God, it's so exciting! And Dax Shepard as Mr.
First Lady.
I mean, that's that's pretty great.
What about Ben? What about Ben? If Dax is in "Mr.
First Lady", that means we just gave away Ben's part to Dax.
I mean, that'd be a fun conversation.
Would it have to be a conversation? Maybe it could be more of a text.
Larry, he's our friend.
Maybe we just never talk to him again? (cell phone chimes) Ben Falcone.
Uhh! It looks like it's gonna be a conversation.
Okay, so we're not gonna say anything to Ben about Kristen and Dax because there's nothing to say yet.
We don't even know if they want to do it.
Right, you don't need to keep telling us that.
Oh, I don't? They definitely gave you more scotch than me.
Oh, my God, I just got an e-mail from Kristen Bell, subject line "LOVE," - all caps.
- Oh, what? What? "Hey, Rach, the script is so funny.
"Dax and I love it.
We soooo" with four O's "want to do 'Mr.
First Lady.
'" Oh, my God! Hey, guys.
(all) Ben! Nice to see you.
How are you? Why is everybody Why are you guys being so weird? What's going on? Uh - Everything all right? - Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, good, good, good.
(all) Yeah.
Oh, hey, would somebody nab me a red wine? - I'm gonna wash my hands.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
What do we do? Uh, let's just think, let's just think, let's just think.
I think we just have to be honest with him.
We just say, I'm sorry, Ben, you know, you've been replaced by a better actor.
This kind of thing happens all the time, he'll understand.
This is how it's done in Hollywood.
Oh, good, Jack Warner.
What if we get Ben to play like a totally different part in the movie? - Oh, that's a great idea.
- Right? - What part? What part? - Ooh! The butler.
I swear I was thinking the butler.
Ben would be so perfect for that, right? 'Cause he's kind of weaselly.
Well, don't say, "You're perfect for this 'cause you're kind of weaselly.
" But it's a big part.
- Yes, it is a big part.
- Maybe he'd go for it.
Hey, guys, what are you talking about? Uh Did somebody manage to grab my wine? You know what? I'll grab it, I'll grab it.
You guys are talking, it's fine.
No, no, no, we'll get it, we'll get it.
It's fine oh, thanks.
Thanks.
I mean, I'll get it.
'Cause neither of you moved at all, I noticed.
Oh, I was just gonna get it.
Hey, guys.
Larry, how are you? I am going to help Hugh carry your wine.
Okay.
Thank you, buddy? Hi, Rachie.
Thank you for being the normal one.
Normal, normal, normal, normal, normal.
(both chuckling) Uh, how are you? I'm good, I'm good.
I've got fun news, - but I'll wait for the boys to get back.
- Oh, okay.
Um, did you happen to read our rewrite? Yes, I did read it.
It is so great.
- Really? Oh, good.
- Loved it, it's so good.
- You guys are so great.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um, I was wondering if you (clears throat) Here.
Thanks, Larry.
What are you guys talking about over here? Ben was just saying that he read our rewrite, and I was gonna ask him if he happened to notice how funny the part of the butler was.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
I haven't thought of that in a while.
Well, actually, that's the one note I had to give you guys.
Um, sort of a tweak, that I just wanted you to remove the part of the butler altogether.
We have to lose it, because you know why? He's annoying, he's kind of like a weasel, you know? Like, in a bad way weasel, or Like, if some I can't imagine any actor would want to play that part.
I mean, if if my agent sent me that role (chuckling) I'd be like, "Ah, who is getting fired? Who's getting fired?" Because, like, who wants to play that role? I would, uh, kill myself.
But, here's the huge news.
Uh, the script is hilarious.
It's in awesome shape.
- Ah.
- No problems, a few tweaks.
Uh, but guess what? Melissa McCarthy is in! Shut up! - What? - Seriously? Yeah, yeah, she wants to play the president, she's in.
The Vin Diesel "Betsy Ross" movie officially fell apart.
We just read an announcement that it's officially on.
Oh, no, no, no.
Melissa and Vin went to lunch today, uh, to talk about the script and they had a disagreement, creative fallout, yeah.
And Melissa punched Vin in the face with a beer bottle.
You know, I'm not really supposed to talk about it.
Melissa made me sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Lawyers, right? (chuckling) Yeah, anyway, but think about this.
All those years ago, we were all, like, churning, trying to get something going.
And now, here we are.
You guys wrote a movie for me, which seriously touches my heart.
And now, Melissa's gonna be on board, and we're gonna make a movie together.
I mean, guys, that's friendship, it's really good friends making something happen together.
If I may.
To friendship.
- To friendship.
- To friendship.
(glasses clinking) So, does that make sense? You know what you're saying? Yeah, I'm telling Kristen Bell that we offered the part to Ben and Melissa before we offered it to her and Dax.
Just fire her.
Give her the boot.
Rip the Band-aid.
Elliot, don't put on your brother's pull-up! There's pee in it! And he has a fever! She's coming.
I gotta go.
- Kristen! - Hey! - Hey, hi.
- Hi! Oh my God, I am getting so excited about "Mr.
First Lady".
Oh.
Dax and I are actually having a date night on Friday, and I feel like we're really gonna roll up our sleeves and dig into those characters.
Oh, um actually, about that, um Okay, so we actually gave the script of "Mr.
First Lady" - to Ben Falcone.
- Shut up! I'm only in the beginning of my vision board for this project, but I had put Ben Falcone as the ideal director.
You're kidding? And now, you're telling me Ben is gonna direct this? That is what I'm telling you.
Oh, man! Wait, do you think Melissa could play the butler? I mean is that a good idea? I feel like it's a smaller part, but a little of Melissa goes a long way.
- Yeah.
- You know what, that's perfect.
I'm gonna ask Ben to come to dinner with Dax and I on Friday so we can hash it all out.
Hey, Ben, dinner with Dax and I on Friday at Virago, 7:00 p.
m.
, question mark.
You know, I can actually tell Ben if you don't wanna text him (phone chimes) Thumbs up emoji.
Perfect.
- So, that's gonna happen.
- Yeah.
I've also been working on my Australian accent.
(with poor Australian accent) My fellow Americans they say a boomerang always comes back.
I say, so will our economy.
Oh my God, that was beautiful.
Oh my God, you're an amazing actress.
I know.
There's a reason she's a movie star.
She's transfixing, you can't say no to her, it's not my fault! Well, it is your fault, Gorilla Jacket.
Okay, this is fashion, and it's movement.
What are we going to do about Ben and Melissa? This is gonna sound crazy, but what's our rule in the writer's room? No jacking off.
No bad ideas.
'Kay.
This is my idea.
You do with it what you will.
- 'Kay.
- We go to Uh, what's the name of the restaurant? - Virago.
- Virago.
- 7:00 p.
m.
- 7:00 p.
m.
And we disrupt the dinner.
- Ooh! - What? All we have to do is buy ourselves some time.
That's it.
I mean, a month from now, Melissa's gonna back out of this thing anyway, - she's gonna find something better.
- Uh-huh.
And Ben, uh Ben, uh gets in an accident.
Yeah, he could get hit by a car tomorrow.
- Yes.
- That happens all the time.
- That happens all the time.
- All the time.
You know, you're not looking where you're going.
Are you listening to yourselves? Okay, uh, okay, so we could go to Virago, right, and we pull the fire alarm, right? And everyone has to leave or is that illegal? We could we could release rats into the kitchen, right? - Rats in the kitchen.
- Or roaches! - Roaches in a kitchen.
- And everyone has to scurry - and leave the restaurant.
- Leave.
- Ben has to leave.
- Get out of the restaurant.
Um Or we could get some of the original writers of "I Love Lucy" if they're still alive, and we could ask them what they would do to get Lucy to stop the big dinner with Ricky.
- Ricky.
- No, he's being sarcastic.
- My God.
- Well Fine, Hugh, what do you wanna do? I think I should move back to Texas and get a job in a bookstore like I should have done 20 years ago, because I hate this business, and I hate all the people in it, including myself.
Well That says "Ides.
" I mean, it's 7:30.
Where are they? (sighs) I'm gonna talk to the hostess.
- About what? - Just, I'm gonna see.
- Hello, ma'am.
- Hello.
Can you see if there's a reservation under Bell for 7:00? No.
How 'bout a Shepard? A Shepard? No, I don't.
Falcone? F-a-l-c-o-n-e.
I don't see anything.
You wanna look a little harder? Yeah, I don't see anything.
Can I just sneak a real quick peek myself, - just with my - Oh, no, you can't.
Can you actually look for one more name in your, uh, little book? Can you see if you have a bitch? No, I cannot.
Well, I'm looking at it.
Looking at it right now.
She's in there.
So, that's how it's done, huh? Yep.
You know what I bet happened? They wouldn't come in the front door, because everyone would be looking at them.
Yeah.
There's always like a like a side entrance in places like this, you know? And I bet there's even like a private dining room.
Excuse me.
Do you guys have a private dining room? The reason I ask, uh, is my friend was in a fire and he almost died.
Oh my God.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Do you have a private dining room or not? The Marlowe Room, but it's being used right now.
- Hm? - Yeah.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
(clears throat) Is the house done? I feel like it's been forever.
It has been a long time, and it is almost done.
I can't even tell you.
- I don't wanna, like, overstate it.
- Hype it? - It's just so it's so beautiful.
- Oh! I wonder where Dax is.
Oh, he had texted! "Can't be there tonight" Oh, no, he's stuck shooting.
- Aw.
- He's not gonna make it.
What is he shooting anyway? Is he writing? Directing? - Acting? - Yes, all three.
Takes one to know one.
- Triple threat, right here.
- That's what you do.
What can I (laughs) I'm just a person.
This is not right, we're out No, it's it's this way.
There's a sign right there.
You're in my way.
Just get - Where are we going? - It's right there.
The Marlowe Room! (woman laughing) What? They're laughing.
That's good.
That means they haven't talked about us yet.
(laughing) - It is! - That's the worst.
It is the wor it's not a good joke.
I don't even know if I can eat.
- (both laughing) - Oh my God.
Okay, we should probably talk about this movie.
Dax is really excited that we're gonna be working together.
You know, Melissa and I are actually super psyched about something that she and I are gonna be working on.
What? Why are you what? Let's just go on five.
- Five.
- Where did five come from? I'm just trying to buy time 'cause I'm nervous, I don't know what we're gonna say when we get in there.
Jesus Christ.
(people laughing) What a surprise.
Three old friends here to congratulate me and Grace on our new jobs.
Gavin and I are the heads of comedy development at Chinescope Pictures.
I forget.
Are you three in comedy? Or are you just jokes? (both laughing) Oh, these Chinese executives, they don't speak a word of English.
So, I am free to share with you the following.
I am going to devote half of every working day to the planning and the execution of a revenge so merciless, that you three shitfaces will be begging for my mercy.
The other half of my day will be devoted to making hit comedy films, for Chinescope Pictures.
To Chinescope! Ganbei! (laughing) (all) Ganbei! Don't bow.
What is wrong with you? Have a safe night, kids.
Uh by any chance, is there another location? Yes, we have three here, downtown, and we just opened one in Dubai.
I mean, what liars! What weaselly, disgusting human beings.
And these people are your friends? No, no, they're not.
Especially not Larry.
He's the worst one.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go on every social media platform and bad-mouth them, and I'm gonna bad-mouth them hard.
Please do.
They're the worst! - (scoffs) - I'm I'm bringing in the big guns.
I'm gonna email Melissa, 'cause she does not like me to call at this hour - CC me on that, please.
- I will.
Are you still at kristenbell69@aol.
com? Yes, but I only give that out to randoms.
It's ilovekristenbell@aol.
com.
All right.
- To their downfall.
- To their downfall.
(glasses clinking)