Nobody Wants This (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
It sure feels good ♪
Coming home again ♪
Through the ♪
God, rich people have the best garbage.
[gasps] Ooh, this would look good on you.
Come on. Do not try and sabotage me.
I think beige is great for you. It brings
out the gray undertones in your skin.
- Really?
- Yes.
If you're gonna fight,
please do it into a microphone.
Your downloads have been tanking
in the last few weeks.
Because Joanne got a boyfriend
and became boring.
Uh, that's not fair.
I've just been sharing a little bit less.
- It's healthy. Ever heard of it?
- "Healthy."
I know you're having freaky rabbi sex
through a hole in a sheet.
And the world deserves to know.
Not everything has to be
on the podcast, Morgan, okay?
And our downloads will bounce back.
Have you been reading the comments lately?
No, I don't read comments anymore.
They're always complaining
about something dumb,
like how often we pause to pee.
Am I supposed to
stop drinking water and die?
Okay, okay. Here's a smart one.
"Lately, it's like, I don't know,
Morgan is so much funnier than Joanne."
Clearly, you wrote that
'cause no one would say that.
"Used to be a fan, but Joanne's
bland stories are killing me."
And there's a GIF of Sleepytime tea.
- [Joanne] What?
- [Morgan] Mm-hmm.
Here's a positive one.
"I like it that Joanne has been talking
less because her voice is so annoying."
- Okay, maybe not that one.
- See, this is Noah's fault.
I hate your boyfriend.
- Why do you hate him?
- Because I don't wanna share.
Me? You don't wanna share me?
That's really sweet.
Okay, tattoos, thick neck,
light criminal record.
That's way more your type.
- Oh, no.
- Why aren't we recording this?
Look, okay, I don't want you to say
you hate Noah 'cause you don't know him.
I mean, I don't know Anne Hathaway,
but I hate her.
- Oh my God. Same.
- Yeah.
You have to get to know him at some point.
What if I invite him to Vanderpump night?
No, that's our time.
He's not gonna get me.
Morgan, you are not that complicated.
I am full of contradictions.
What?
Like I don't wanna sleep
with that guy, but I'm going to.
I'll see you later.
[Ashley] Really? Wearing a bonnet.
I respect it.
Is this too much for a funeral?
[upbeat music playing]
Hey! Zaddy's home.
Hey, Zaddy. What's your job title?
Oh. Um
- World's greatest lover.
- Aw, I wish. [chuckles]
Seriously. I'm filling out
Miriam's bat mitzvah announcement,
and I need to know, like,
your actual, like, job title.
Oh, um
I don't know. Nothing?
An a An associate?
Associate?
The company's called Roklov and Sons,
and your brother doesn't even work there.
That's pretty cool though.
It's like he's referring to me twice.
Okay, I'm just gonna put vice president.
No! My dad's gonna see that,
and he's just starting to like me.
No, he's not.
You gotta talk to him at some point, babe.
No, I don't. I'm just gonna wait
until he feels like bringing it up.
Closed mouths don't get fed.
Fine. I'll talk to him.
When?
I don't know? By the end of Q4?
Q4. This is due at 6:00 p.m.
I'm not gonna talk to him today.
It's Sunday. He's at the schvitz all day.
Looks like you're on your way
to the schvitz.
[upbeat music playing]
You know I hate the schvitz.
There is a lot of lore to understand
when you're watching Vanderpump.
And we do this on Sundays
specifically because this is our football.
It's like a church.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's like our church.
- Now it's my church too.
Thank you.
Vanderpump is not something
a person can just jump into.
So if you get bored
and wanna leave, it's okay.
She's just saying that
because she gets territorial.
- No, I'm not.
- She's being conscientious.
And to reciprocate,
I have brought you something.
- [sighs] Don't try to impress me.
- But I want to.
Okay. What is it?
- Okay.
- It's a huge bag. How could I not ask?
- All right.
- You're just easy to get.
Number one. Temporary tattoos.
We could apply them to my thin neck.
Very cute.
I brought the sheet that Joanne and I
are gonna have sex with later.
- Joanne! You told him?
- I tell him everything.
Oh my God. That's so embarrassing. Sorry.
I also brought some Pirate's Booty
because I like them.
Right. Can you even eat those?
I thought that rabbis
were supposed to keep kosher.
It's a good thing we have a rabbi here
who can bless them.
Hava Nagila. They're blessed now.
- Okay.
- They're also kosher already.
All right. He's kinda funny. What? He is.
- [phone rings]
- [Morgan] God.
Oh.
Oh, it's Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
Hi, girls! Your dad and I
are on our way over for Vanderpump.
- [dad] Hey.
- You are?
- [Morgan] Okay?
- And yay! Pat's coming.
- Wait. Who's who's Pat?
- Who's Pat?
Your father's new boyfriend.
Hi, Joanne! Hi, Morgan!
Isn't he the sweetest?
Oh, and he's a therapist.
He once treated Henry Winkler's cousin,
you know, Fonzie?
Why is this happening?
Well, uh, I talked to Isis.
- Isis?
- I'm sorry. The terrorist organization?
My spiritual leader and cat sitter.
- What?
- Mom
They said that you girls really need
two healthy co-parents.
- I don't feel that's true.
- We literally don't. We're adults.
- See you in a few!
- Yeah.
- No, don't bring Pat
- [phone chimes]
- So your parents are coming over?
- Apparently, with someone named Pat.
[exhales] Okay, um, I have to change,
just because I'm in my basketball clothes.
- It's just my parents.
- No one is more important than parents.
Nothing is less important
than my parents. You look fine.
Okay. Well, I was raised like this.
So I think I need to change.
- You don't have to
- We don't have enough snacks.
I'm gonna go out.
I'm gonna do a quick pop quick pop out.
I'm gonna come back
after I do a quick pop.
Be right back. Thanks. Sorry.
So you fuck that man through a sheet?
- Stop it.
- Hmm.
[sighs]
[steam hisses]
[Ilan] Oh boy.
Hey.
Oh, there's my big boy.
Hey, Papa.
Uh, Father.
- I'm here bec
- [steam hisses]
Because I wanted to ask
Do me a favor. I need you
to smack me with the venik.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
With what?
- [Ilan] Come on.
- Okay. All right.
[groans] Oh.
[Ilan exhales]
[Ilan] Oh yeah. Smack!
Oh.
[leaves rustle]
There you go.
So I've been thinking about the company
and maybe having a bigger role?
Bigger role?
What, you wanna take my job?
I'm not dead yet, Sasha.
- Just concentrate on the venik, will you?
- Okay.
[Ilan sighs happily]
[upbeat music playing]
- Here we go.
- [Joanne] Hello, family.
Pat, you're here too.
- So grateful to be invited.
- [Joanne] Okay.
Our cutting-edge new family! [chuckles]
- Isn't it neat?
- Yeah.
- [dad] Hey, girls!
- [Morgan] Hi, Dad.
You started without us again.
Damn it. What'd we miss?
[Pat] Oh, I just want to say,
um, I know that change
can be really hard to navigate,
but I think you chicas
are doing it with such grace.
That's patronizing, Pat.
You're right. You're right. So sorry.
[dad] Oh, I am so glad you're here.
Aw, well, you're where I most wanna be.
- Love is in the air! [laughs awkwardly]
- [Morgan] Wow.
- [Joanne] What are you doing?
- Wow.
- We're an affectionate family.
- No, we're not.
You girls were both inside of me,
and that connection never goes away.
Me too. How ya think they got here?
- [doorbell rings]
- Dad, come on.
[dad] She's not exactly the Virgin Mary.
- Hey. I'm back.
- [Joanne] Hi.
Quick question. Is that a blazer
over your sweatshirt?
Nope. It's a sport coat.
Thank God I had it in the car.
Hello, everyone.
He got flowers.
- [dad] Hi.
- Hi.
Um, guys, this is Noah.
Uh, Noah, this is my mom,
and this is my dad.
And I'm Pat.
- So great to meet you all.
- [Lynn] Noah.
Oy vey! A Jewish rabbi. [chuckles]
You know Lynn is actually a Hebrew name?
- Wow.
- Are we sure about that?
Uh, um
Hi. Henry. Joanne's dad.
- A pleasure, sir.
- [Pat] Oh my God!
- I die that you call him "sir."
- Why?
I might start calling you "sir."
- [Henry] Don't you dare.
- Oh, yes, "sir." I will get right on that.
[both laugh]
Pat, you are too much.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Noah, I had no idea you were so handsome.
I mean, you look just like Billy Joel.
- He does not.
- A little. I've heard that.
You know, his birthday
is three days after mine.
That's not interesting.
Why do you know that?
Joanne shares a birthday
with the Unabomber.
- [Lynn] Yeah.
- Well, thank you. I love Billy Joel.
And so, ma'am.
[Lynn] Please, call me Lynn.
[Noah] Will do.
And, uh, who are these for?
They're for you.
- For me?
- [Noah] Yes.
Why?
Uh
For respect.
- I don't own a vase.
- I can just hold them.
You know? I'll go find something.
Yeah? Okay. Mm.
- These are heavy.
- Let me Let me hold them.
- So, Noah.
- Yes.
What exactly are your intentions
with my daughter?
- Ah.
- [Joanne laughs]
Why are you pretending to be, like,
a real dad right now?
- I am a real dad.
- Well
- [Pat] It's okay.
- [Henry] What?
Just let her feel her feelings.
Thank you, Pat.
Found an old Prego jar.
[imitates Italian accent] Ah, Prego!
[Noah chuckles awkwardly]
[Noah] It's a sport coat. Prego!
Thank you. I love Billy Joel.
Prego!
For respect.
Prego!
- Why'd you say that so loud?
- Was it loud?
- [Joanne] Yeah, kinda.
- [Noah] Okay.
- Okay.
- [Joanne] Yeah.
You know what? Um, let me take those.
Can you, um, come with me? Yeah?
That's a lot of flowers.
Thought you were going to a funeral.
Well, the day's still young.
- [laughter]
- [Morgan] Okay.
[Pat] I love sunflowers, but they die
Listen, I saw that face.
You've got the ick.
- What? No.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
I mean, it threw me a little
that he came dressed
as a hip youth pastor.
- [Morgan] Uh, yeah.
- But I still like him.
- I don't have the ick.
- Sweetie, you can't fight the ick.
Okay? It's like a Chinese finger trap.
The harder you pull, the stronger it gets.
I don't have it, so
Sure. Well, here's your beautiful flowers.
They give you the ick.
- Just put them
- You want them. You love them.
- Stop it. That's enough.
- [Morgan] Come on. Okay.
I don't want these.
Beautiful.
[upbeat music playing]
[Ilan] Get in the cold plunge.
I don't wanna get in the cold water.
It makes my fingers tingly.
Malyshka.
- [man chuckles]
- Don't be a putz. Get in.
You know what? Fuck it.
[shudders]
[shivers] You know what, Pop?
I'm here every single day,
making shit happen.
That lot on Figueroa? That was me.
Pulling the permits
for Boulder Avenue? Done.
Who unshells your pistachios
so that, every single morning,
they're on your desk, ready for snacking?
That's your boy.
I wanna be vice president,
and I feel that I've earned it.
Well, well
I've been waiting for you to ask.
Wait, really?
I just needed to see your chutzpah.
Okay, vice president,
let's give you a shot.
Starting tomorrow.
5:00 a.m. Golder Avenue.
Then back-to-back meetings.
You're gonna get to see
everything your papa does.
You're a little boychickleh. Come on.
Tell Esther
you're gonna be late for dinner.
Okay.
[Sasha laughs]
Holy shit! It is fucking cold in here.
How do you do this?
[Henry] Actually, podiatry is very steady
'cause almost everybody has feet.
[men laugh]
So so how did you two meet?
[Joanne sighs]
- Liver.
- What?
Sighing means your liver is in distress.
- That actually makes perfect sense.
- Does it?
- [inhales] We met
- Oh, so we met Let me tell this story.
- It's such a good story.
- God! Okay, because you're so cute.
- [men chuckle]
- [Henry] Oh. All right, ready?
- [Noah] Yeah.
- [Henry exhales]
Um, so,
we met on Grindr.
Oh, that's it. Oh, that's great. Sorry.
I thought the story would be longer.
But that's wonderful.
I mean, it's just very rare
to find love on there.
So our our story is is pretty unique.
100%.
Such a beautiful love story.
- Oh.
- Where do you find that?
- On Grindr.
- [Lynn] Yeah.
- Okay.
- That's what I was gonna say.
You seem pretty evolved
and open-minded, Noah.
Let me ask you something.
Would you marry two gay people
in your synagogue, or is that not allowed?
That's a great question.
Um, I would, and I have, actually.
But they both have to be Jewish.
Um, sexuality is not so much of an issue,
but Jew, non-Jew it's a bit of an issue.
Oh, the elephant in the room
has finally been addressed.
What? It's
That's not an elephant, Morgan.
[Noah] I could marry a Jew and a convert.
Converts are considered
the closest to God.
- [Pat] Oh.
- [Henry] Maybe we should convert.
I'm I'm Catholic,
which I do not recommend.
- No?
- [Pat] No.
They, uh They teach you to How do I
Hate yourself, you know?
[Henry] Oh, Pat.
I'm sorry. Sorry. I
- Okay, Pat, I love you.
- I love you too.
Aw, that's so sweet.
What a loving relationship.
- [Pat] Sorry.
- You're with safe people.
[Pat] I did it again.
It is so hot in here.
I'm gonna get some air.
I, actually, will also be
getting some air. Yeah.
Listen to me.
I love you.
Will you pass the bottle?
Sure.
We're actually getting air.
I thought we were just gonna leave.
No. I just needed, like, a a minute.
Totally.
[exhales]
Let's sit, yeah?
- Yeah.
- And breathe.
[Joanne sighs]
[Morgan groans]
- That's good.
- Oh yeah.
[imitates Noah] Prego, Prego!
- Don't! Don't!
- What?
- Morgan, ew! Okay, fine, fine.
- I'm sorry! I had to.
- I have the ick, okay?
- I know.
- [Joanne] Are you happy?
- Yes.
I can't believe I ever let him touch me
with those giant flower-holding hands.
The ick. You know,
it always seems to find a way.
[Joanne] Mm.
Remember when I saw
Wyatt running with a backpack?
It just kept on, like,
clapping against his body?
- That literally makes me sick for you.
- I know!
It's terrible.
When I was about to move in with Anthony,
then I saw him chasing a ping-pong ball
and never caught it.
He could still be chasing it
for all I know.
Could have been the love of my life,
but no regrets.
Can't unsee something like that.
You know who gave me
the biggest ick of all?
Dad saying "I love you."
- Such a fucking ick. What was that?
- I don't know.
I I mean, when's the last time
he said that to either of us?
Uh, never.
[Joanne sighs]
God, am I really gonna break up with Noah?
That's so sad.
Listen, it happens.
- How are you gonna do it?
- I don't know.
Kinda like the way I broke up with Marco.
- How did you do it?
- I just stopped texting him back.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
- [Henry] Wanna raid the liquor cabinet?
- Yes, sir.
[chuckles] Noah, do you hear what
you've started? Now he's calling me sir.
Oh man.
You okay?
Ah. I know I'm supposed
to be "over it," but
I'm doing my best.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry. It must be really tough.
- Well, don't tell Joanne.
You know, it's hard enough for the girls
to see their dad like this.
Yeah, with someone new?
No, so affectionate
and emotionally available.
I I see Henry with Pat,
and I don't recognize him.
Saying, "I love you."
Like, who is this man?
Wow! I didn't I didn't know that.
And the girls,
they always wanted more from him
and less from me.
You know, girls and their dads.
It's tricky stuff.
[sniffs] I've just been
trying to hold it together.
For what it's worth,
I think you're doing a good job.
Well, that's a lie, Rabbi. [chuckles]
But a sweet one.
[poignant music playing]
Hey, Morgan,
can I talk to Joanne for a sec?
- Oh, yeah. [groans]
- [Noah] Thanks.
Noah, it's been really nice
getting to know you.
Mazel tov.
- Hey.
- Hi.
[Noah] So, uh,
clearly, something I did today
freaked you out.
My money is on the flowers.
- They were too big. I can see that.
- It wasn't just any one thing.
Sure. Listen. I wanted your family
to like me. Okay? I tried to impress them.
That's not as lame as you think it is,
so I'm not gonna apologize for that.
And to be honest, I don't really think
that's the reason you're upset.
There's a lot going on with your family,
so I understand why
you would have your guard up. I do.
You can self-sabotage all you want,
but I think you should get over it,
because, Joanne
I'm on your side.
I can handle you.
[gentle music playing]
Was it the sport coat?
Part of it's that you keep referring to it
as a "sport coat."
- It is a sport coat. Doesn't matter.
- I need to fact-check that.
Here's what matters.
I really like you.
Like, a lot. Okay? And you like me, too,
so stop pretending that you don't.
Fine. I do.
You do what?
I do like you.
Wait.
You have to say it
while I'm wearing the sport coat.
Otherwise, it's not real.
I don't know if I can.
Let's consummate this.
- Say it to the sport coat if that helps.
- [laughs] Okay.
[gentle music continues]
It's nice, right?
- Okay, fine. I really like you.
- I know.
I really like you, I really like you.
[gentle music continues]
But also, you said "Prego" with an accent.
[Italian accent] I knew
it was wrong the second
- Don't do that!
- [Noah] I knew it!
I can't have sex with you
and have that in the back of my head.
[Italian accent] Do you wanna go upstairs
and test-a the theory?
[Joanne sighs]
Hey, that's your liver.
[Joanne] So the big question is,
once someone has formed a certain,
let's say, "negative perception" of you,
can you change it?
I was for sure, "no," but damn
if the answer isn't a resounding "yes."
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
You're burying the lead, right?
So the big news is
Joanne has a new man in her life.
But we're not using names.
So let's just call him "The Prophet."
The Prophet.
We could have workshopped that.
- And The Prophet has done the impossible.
- [Morgan] Mm.
He has come back from the ick,
which has never been done before
in history. The ick cannot be reversed.
Now we know it has to be defeated,
it needs to be conquered,
and it can be overcome.
- Yep, that's true.
- [Joanne] Hmm.
He gave us something interesting
to talk about
after ruining you
for the past few episodes.
So you can thank him
for bringing my sister back for the show.
I was worried I was gonna have to do
the podcast by myself, so
Come on. There is no podcast without me.
But I will send along your thanks
when I see him at dinner tonight.
I just wanna say he's a doll.
I think in a past life,
we were romantically involved.
- Oh God, Mom. Gross.
- Ew, Mom.
Why is past you
trying to date my boyfriend?
Mothers and daughters share a type.
- Ew, Mom.
- Oh my God. All right. You need to stop.
Okay. On that note, thank you
for listening, and I have to pee.
- [phone chimes]
- Okay.
[Joanne groans]
[upbeat music playing]
[Morgan chuckles]
[upbeat music continues]
[message sends]
[music fades]