Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Tiger with Chlamydia
1 Hi, welcome to the show.
This is Alfie, my go-kart instructor.
About a week ago I blessed him with the gift of vision, lending him my eyes.
Let's see how he got on.
What did you see, Alfie? Oh, I saw many wonderful things.
I saw pink clouds in the sky, I saw a huge full moon, I saw some glorious things by a fellow named Picasso.
But, best of all, I saw you shaving your balls in the mirror.
Shave them smooth, boy, shave those balls smooth.
Luxury comedy La, la, la, la, la, la, la People running round And people making love La, la, la, la, la, la, la People in the night And people are up above Ooh, yeah Luxury comedy Ooh, yeah.
Put him in the back! Noel, Noel Noel, Noel, Noel.
Noel, Noel, Noel.
Yes? Ah, my eye! What did you do that for? There was a dusty bird.
Right, what do you want? We are out of Hoover bags, can Smooth acquire some next time he is at the shops? Yeah, all right, I'll let him know.
Noel, Noel, Noel, we are out of Hoover bags, can you get Smooth to acquire some next time he is at the shops? What's going on here? There's two of you.
You are mistaken, there is only one Andy Warhol.
You are mistaken, there is only one Andy Warhol.
I am the real Andy Warhol, yes, sir.
That Andy Warhol is a forgery That Andy Warhol is a forgery.
Look, one of you is a forgery and one of you is the real Andy Warhol, so which one? He is the forgery, he is clearly the work of Bunkavan Spreckles, perhaps the greatest forger in the history of art.
Oh my God, I am a forgery! This changes everything, not least of all my value.
Why? See, I told you he was a forgery.
You say that, look at your hands.
Oh, my God, I am a forgery! This changes everything, not least of all my value.
A lot of young kids come knocking at my studio door and say, "Tony Reason, how could we become a music producer like you? "Well, not you, Mark Ronson, but we don't know where he lives.
" Oh, look everyone, it's Joey Ramone, loping down the road.
Where are you off to, Joey? CBGB's to do a gig.
Perhaps you could squeeze me onto the guest list? What's that, Joey? Johnny's already used up all the comps? Oh, perhaps I'll go and see Stiv Bators from the Dead Boys instead.
Oh, look, Joey, here comes Grandma with a fresh basket of oat cakes.
What's that, Joey? You've got a wheat allergy? I can see that, Joey, look at the size of your head.
What will you do now? Oh, Joey, pieces of your exploded head have gone all over Grandma.
What's that, Grandma? The shock of the bang has given you an idea? Oh, dear, I'm not sure how that old-fashioned gingerbread head will go down on the grimy New York punk scene.
Still, better than no head at all, isn't that right, Joey? Better than no head at all.
It's a funny old world.
Looks like rain.
Vanducci, that's what I'm trying to tell you the goose was living in the actual cable car! Hooper, why don't people listen? A lot of young kids come up to me and they say, "Hey, Diego Maradonna, you've really let yourself go.
" Other kids come up to me and say, "Sergeant Raymond Boombox?" I have no idea how they know my name.
"Sergeant Raymond Boombox, "how can we get to become a New York cop like you? "How do we get access to a firearm? "I need a gun bad, you've got to help me, yellow man!" And right off the bat, I would say to them what I'd say to you, "You go get a perm.
" Sounds crazy, "You go get a perm" that's the first thing you need to know and here's why.
In 1979, I was fresh out of rookie college and, yeah, I had the long, straight black curly hair like Black Sabbath.
I thought I was the king of the Hooha Men.
To cut a long story short, I was about to get my hands on a very famous serial killer, the Brooklyn Ice Box Throttler.
A maniac who would leap out of people's freezers and strangle them in their own homes and then put jam on their telephones and listen to their radios whilst fingering himself in their dressing gowns.
Anyway, we had him cornered in a freezer in Queens.
Anyway, he jumped out of the freezer and we would've nailed that punk if Hooper hadn't taken it upon himself to slam the fridge door shut, trapping my lustrous hair as he did so.
Argh! Hooper, what the hell's got into you? He's getting away! The popsicles were melting.
When I leave the fridge door open at home, we never hear the end of it.
Mrs Hooper goes crazy.
I couldn't stand and watch melting popsicles, they were dripping everywhere, I had to close the door.
You idiot, Hooper! What flavour were they? No, you come back here! I could do nothing except watch that serial killer skip away to freedom and for a New York cop, with the worst case of piles in Europe, that has to be a bad afternoon's work.
Finally, nothing can stop me becoming President of The United States.
You come back here! No No! I will get you my friend, maybe not now but in like two hours' time.
After we've stopped off to get some crepes.
We're right near the place, we love that place, me and Hooper.
I'm ashamed to say that watching the Vice-President strangled gave me an erection, an erection that came from the vision of an honourable man being destroyed in his own front room.
What's wrong with me?! I'm a sick pervert! Hooper, it used to be nuns and schoolgirls, now it's honourable men being destroyed in their own homes! And that's why New York cops should get perms.
If you think you have what it takes to get a perm, call this number.
02, 34, 97.
What the hell are you doing you nincompoop, that's my home number? Hooper, you switch the camera off.
Hooper! Hooper, are you in a trance? No, my hair's trapped under the seat.
I can't move.
I told you to get a perm, Hooper.
That's what the whole goddamn piece is about perms in the force! What's wrong with you? Join the force but get a perm, don't be like Hooper, he's an idiot.
Phone the number, not that number, that's my own goddamn number.
Hooper got his hair caught! Hooper got his hair caught! Hooper shaved his pubes off! Hooper loves his mummy! You shut up, you imbecile.
Hooper, you have that edited together for first thing tomorrow, I got to go, it's my wife's bowling night.
I mean I could edit that but the programme I use to edit is in my brother's car.
I could do it at the weekend.
When does this have to be in? I was going to take the kids camping out on the lakes.
It's beautiful, the fishing's divine.
My wife caught a barracuda one time, imagine that barracuda! First time she ever held a rod, she catches a 300lb monster.
Doesn't surprise me, that's the kind of woman she is.
I mean, I knew the first day I met her, we danced and we kissed.
I said, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
" Dave said, "You always say that!" I said, "I got a feeling, we're going to get married.
" Dave said, "What weekend is that?" I said, "What do you mean what weekend? We just met! "I just got a feeling that's all.
" Dave says, "As long it's not April 4th, "because that's my wife's sister's birthday.
"I don't want to go but I have to go, you know, family, blah, blah.
" All bleeding coming together, innit, all bleeding coming together.
Worked it out, haven't I? This ain't it.
I'm in quarantine, aren't I, bleeding quarantine.
Just got to keep my head down, wait for my transfer to me bigger digs.
Imagine that, it'll be huge, there'll be female lions.
I'll get my own company car, be able to go and come as I please.
All bleeding coming together.
Probably be real cigarettes, won't have to do this as much.
Yeah, all bleeding coming together.
Who are you? I am Allen Key, quite literally the key to your freedom.
Wait a minute, I know who you are, you're that famous artist geezer aren't you, you're Jeff Koons.
I am most certainly not Jeff Koons, I am the world famous Andy Warhol.
I bleeding love Jeff Koons' stuff.
He is OK, but he is not in my league.
What, really? His balloon animal sculptures? They were blinding.
They were overrated.
I think history's going to be very kind to Jeff Koons.
Shut up about Jeff Koons! All right, keep your silver wig on, what do you want anyway, pal? Listen, I am Allen Key and I am here to help you, Dondylion.
Help me? Don't need any help, do I? All bleeding coming together.
It is far from coming together, Dondylion, it is about as far from coming together as is humanly possible.
Do you want to know what happens? In July, you suffer from severe weight loss.
Well, I do go up and down with me weight, I'm like Oprah.
In September, you die from a rare form of lion AIDS.
In December, you are buried out the back by a simpleton.
There is no funeral.
You have to choose Dondylion, between lion AIDS and freedom, lion AIDS and freedom.
I don't want lion AIDS, do I? Who wants bleeding lion AIDS? Choose freedom.
I will, what do I have to do, fill in a form? No, put me in the lock and twist me, Dondylion.
Want me to twist you up, you silver bitch.
This is more like it.
Climb over the wall to freedom.
Dave, you got here quick, got here before me.
Are you ready for freedom? We've made it, Dave, we've bleeding made it! Look at freedom.
Look at it, Dave! Look at the trees, look at the sky, look at the tiny ants on the pavement.
All bleeding came together.
Let's go and get ourselves a healthy dose of freedom.
Oops.
It's all bleeding coming together.
That's that album complete.
File that will you next to the tapirs who went blind in the '70s.
OK.
One more thing, I couldn't help noticing you played a key in that.
Yes.
How did you get that gig? I fingered the casting director.
Martin?! He's about 60! In this business, you've got to do what it takes.
As long as it doesn't affect your cleaning work.
Fuck you, I'm a star.
He came from the suburbs with a huge feline head and a searching red arrow for a penis.
Nobody is safe from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! Priests Oh, please! Horses Neigh! School children.
Blimey! Leave it out.
No, thank you, sir, I already have it, come along children.
Unbelievable! Even Snake Plissken from Escape From New York seen here enjoying a frappuccino.
You can run but you can't hide from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! If you see the tiger, contact this number immediately.
If you haven't already got the disease waste no time in sending off for your own personal chlamydia helmet, the only way to protect yourself from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! Me and my flamingo We're off to Tesco Metro Me and my flamingo Rolling up and down the road But we've had a little fight And now we're walking in single file Single file Oh-oh, single file Oh-oh Me and my flamingo Have made the pepper all go Me and my flamingo We're off to Tesco Metro But it's flared up again And now you're putting on one of your shows Crying from my eyes Crying from my hundred eyes Crying from my eyes Crying from my hundred OK, great, I think we can probably use that in its entirety.
You guys pop out for lunch.
I'll give Dave Rowntree a text and see if he wants to come in and beef up the drums.
I understand you do your own percussion.
In many respects you are your own percussion, but I just think if the track stays in that state we won't get any radio airplay.
No, Kenny Loggins is a terrible example.
There's no call for that language.
Unbelievable, bloody country and western singers.
Well, you completely lost control of that situation.
It escalated, didn't it, quick, spiralled out of control.
Oh great, here we go.
I just thought I'd swoop in and see how my old mucker's doing.
Oh, really? Which is not that well.
The thing is, all I was saying was, Diamond Back laid down a track I just wanted to put some drums in.
It's not a big deal, is it? I mean he doesn't have to get all diva-ish, does he? Hasn't even have a song out yet.
Yeah.
He's not Lady Gaga, is he? No, well, who is? Lady Gaga.
Well, yeah.
I mean, other than her.
The point is I just thought it needed some extra drums and I was just about to persuade him when you came crashing in, you big hammerhead.
All right, no need to call a brother out on what he looks like.
I don't say how flat your face is, which is very, by the way.
All I was going to do was get Dave Rowntree in.
What? Don't get a ginger drummer.
Yeah, he looks like a Scotch egg wearing glasses.
But the guy's a ballsy drummer.
He is a balls out drummer.
He pours sawdust down, takes his pants off and picks up his sticks and he just beats the shit out of that kit.
Do not get a ginger drummer.
He lives round the corner, he's a solid drummer.
Do not get a ginger drummer.
He's a solid drummer.
They're bad news.
What do you mean? They get very hot, you can't use a red backdrop otherwise they disappear.
That's true, actually.
It's just sticks and eyes.
I know where you're coming from.
I worked with Cream, did their live album.
Ginger Baker used to get so hot, after the gigs Jack Bruce used to use him as a desk lamp.
Well, he looks like a lava lamp once he gets going, doesn't he? They did used to take him to parties, turn him upside down.
I quite enjoyed that.
Really? I thought it was racist.
I came here in 1949 with my Spanish brothers.
In those days we were see-through and our heads tapered into a point.
Can you understand why we're here? It's because we need to be.
What's that supposed to mean? It's my Australian accent.
Do it again.
Pass me the biro, mate.
Pass me the biro.
Look, mate, pass me the biro.
Boo, boo.
Pass me the biro, mate.
Pass me the biro.
Quick, mate! Pass me the biro.
Mate, pass me the biro.
Can't you see what's happening, mate? Don't just stare at me, mate.
Mate, you're just looking through me! Please, you got to help me! Ow! For God's sake, I've got chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum Calm down.
What do you mean, "calm down"? I'll have to walk around town now all week in a chlamydia outfit.
Just get some antibiotics.
It's not fair.
Why do I get chlamydia and not you? You should get a chlamydia helmet.
You not seen the adverts? It's the only way to protect yourself from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum Pass me the biro, mate.
Mate, please, pass me the biro.
Mate, I've got chlamydia.
Pass me the biro.
You know who you should call? Who? Collins.
Oh, not the C-man.
That's right, Collins.
There's only one C-man drummer, and that's Copeland.
I don't trust blonde bands, there aren't any that are any good.
There are some good blonde musicians.
Yeah, individually, but get three of them together and you get that kind of clusterfuck like The Police.
And, you know, it's just no good.
Sting is a close personal friend of mine, I won't take that.
When did that motherfucker become like some medieval minstrel? He can't do a chat show without whipping out a lute these days.
He's just broadening his range.
I don't like Sting, I think he's a bad bass player.
You wanted to produce Regatta de Blanc and Sting turned to me.
The guy can't do reggae, let it go.
What do you mean, the guy can't do reggae? He built a career on doing reggae! White reggae is a powerful piece of business.
When done by three white men it sounds different.
Yeah, great, when Bob Marley does it, it sounds authentic, but when you get three white guys doing reggae you can't beat that sound.
Yeah, well.
Anyway I've to go, pick the kids up from school.
Do you mind picking up my lot? No, no, it's fine.
Do you mind if I take your Jeep? Sure, yeah, but fill it up this time, do you know what I mean, don't take the piss.
Unbelievable, so tight, you and Collins.
Well, that thing Worth a fortune, the pair of you.
Always counting every last penny.
Well, it takes about 110 a tank.
No-one asked you, did they, to get a Jeep that size.
Well, I didn't know, did I? It's like a battle station.
You feel very safe in it though, don't you? You do, actually.
And that's important, safety.
See you, then.
I mean, I quite like the hat, but the outfit's ridiculous, the gusset's nearly on the floor.
See, I'm always prepared, not like you, you're reckless like a child.
Not only have I got this helmet, this watch stops if you get lupus.
These clogs protect me from typhoid.
Typhoid clogs? That's why I'm more successful than you, financially, and with the ladies.
The ladies.
You mean the Sheilas? Pass me the biro, mate.
I hate you.
Oh, I've got shin splints! You look like an idiot.
Oh, my God, look at the state of your outfits, you look absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah, don't go on about it, I've got chlamyds and he's got shin splints.
Just get a helmet and some special rubber pants.
Have you not see the ad farts? The what? The ad farts.
Sorry, the what? The ad farts.
The head farts? Just get a special helmet, why don't you? Oh, my God, is this even a disease? Oh, my God! It's not fair, I haven't seen the ad fart.
Hello That is not a disease, ma'am, that is a perm, you've been recruited to the New York Police Force.
You report to your local precinct, 6am for weapons training.
Oh, come on, I can't get up that early, besides I already have a job.
Really? What is it you do, ma'am? I'm a slasher.
A what? You know, a DJ, slash, knit wear designer, slash, model, plus I do pop-up stores where I sell my own jewellery.
Ma'am, with all due respect none of those things are real jobs, OK, you tit.
You get out there and start solving crimes, thank you.
Hooper! I recruited another one.
I mean, is that even legal, poking people with your yellow arrow penis? Hooper, you are so innocent, in this job you do what you got to do.
What the hell is this? That, my friend, is good old-fashioned 1960s gonorrhoea.
Hooper, phone Mrs Boombox and tell her to cancel our anniversary meal.
In fact, tell her I died in the line of duty.
She cannot see me like this.
I saw you.
I see everything.
This is Alfie, my go-kart instructor.
About a week ago I blessed him with the gift of vision, lending him my eyes.
Let's see how he got on.
What did you see, Alfie? Oh, I saw many wonderful things.
I saw pink clouds in the sky, I saw a huge full moon, I saw some glorious things by a fellow named Picasso.
But, best of all, I saw you shaving your balls in the mirror.
Shave them smooth, boy, shave those balls smooth.
Luxury comedy La, la, la, la, la, la, la People running round And people making love La, la, la, la, la, la, la People in the night And people are up above Ooh, yeah Luxury comedy Ooh, yeah.
Put him in the back! Noel, Noel Noel, Noel, Noel.
Noel, Noel, Noel.
Yes? Ah, my eye! What did you do that for? There was a dusty bird.
Right, what do you want? We are out of Hoover bags, can Smooth acquire some next time he is at the shops? Yeah, all right, I'll let him know.
Noel, Noel, Noel, we are out of Hoover bags, can you get Smooth to acquire some next time he is at the shops? What's going on here? There's two of you.
You are mistaken, there is only one Andy Warhol.
You are mistaken, there is only one Andy Warhol.
I am the real Andy Warhol, yes, sir.
That Andy Warhol is a forgery That Andy Warhol is a forgery.
Look, one of you is a forgery and one of you is the real Andy Warhol, so which one? He is the forgery, he is clearly the work of Bunkavan Spreckles, perhaps the greatest forger in the history of art.
Oh my God, I am a forgery! This changes everything, not least of all my value.
Why? See, I told you he was a forgery.
You say that, look at your hands.
Oh, my God, I am a forgery! This changes everything, not least of all my value.
A lot of young kids come knocking at my studio door and say, "Tony Reason, how could we become a music producer like you? "Well, not you, Mark Ronson, but we don't know where he lives.
" Oh, look everyone, it's Joey Ramone, loping down the road.
Where are you off to, Joey? CBGB's to do a gig.
Perhaps you could squeeze me onto the guest list? What's that, Joey? Johnny's already used up all the comps? Oh, perhaps I'll go and see Stiv Bators from the Dead Boys instead.
Oh, look, Joey, here comes Grandma with a fresh basket of oat cakes.
What's that, Joey? You've got a wheat allergy? I can see that, Joey, look at the size of your head.
What will you do now? Oh, Joey, pieces of your exploded head have gone all over Grandma.
What's that, Grandma? The shock of the bang has given you an idea? Oh, dear, I'm not sure how that old-fashioned gingerbread head will go down on the grimy New York punk scene.
Still, better than no head at all, isn't that right, Joey? Better than no head at all.
It's a funny old world.
Looks like rain.
Vanducci, that's what I'm trying to tell you the goose was living in the actual cable car! Hooper, why don't people listen? A lot of young kids come up to me and they say, "Hey, Diego Maradonna, you've really let yourself go.
" Other kids come up to me and say, "Sergeant Raymond Boombox?" I have no idea how they know my name.
"Sergeant Raymond Boombox, "how can we get to become a New York cop like you? "How do we get access to a firearm? "I need a gun bad, you've got to help me, yellow man!" And right off the bat, I would say to them what I'd say to you, "You go get a perm.
" Sounds crazy, "You go get a perm" that's the first thing you need to know and here's why.
In 1979, I was fresh out of rookie college and, yeah, I had the long, straight black curly hair like Black Sabbath.
I thought I was the king of the Hooha Men.
To cut a long story short, I was about to get my hands on a very famous serial killer, the Brooklyn Ice Box Throttler.
A maniac who would leap out of people's freezers and strangle them in their own homes and then put jam on their telephones and listen to their radios whilst fingering himself in their dressing gowns.
Anyway, we had him cornered in a freezer in Queens.
Anyway, he jumped out of the freezer and we would've nailed that punk if Hooper hadn't taken it upon himself to slam the fridge door shut, trapping my lustrous hair as he did so.
Argh! Hooper, what the hell's got into you? He's getting away! The popsicles were melting.
When I leave the fridge door open at home, we never hear the end of it.
Mrs Hooper goes crazy.
I couldn't stand and watch melting popsicles, they were dripping everywhere, I had to close the door.
You idiot, Hooper! What flavour were they? No, you come back here! I could do nothing except watch that serial killer skip away to freedom and for a New York cop, with the worst case of piles in Europe, that has to be a bad afternoon's work.
Finally, nothing can stop me becoming President of The United States.
You come back here! No No! I will get you my friend, maybe not now but in like two hours' time.
After we've stopped off to get some crepes.
We're right near the place, we love that place, me and Hooper.
I'm ashamed to say that watching the Vice-President strangled gave me an erection, an erection that came from the vision of an honourable man being destroyed in his own front room.
What's wrong with me?! I'm a sick pervert! Hooper, it used to be nuns and schoolgirls, now it's honourable men being destroyed in their own homes! And that's why New York cops should get perms.
If you think you have what it takes to get a perm, call this number.
02, 34, 97.
What the hell are you doing you nincompoop, that's my home number? Hooper, you switch the camera off.
Hooper! Hooper, are you in a trance? No, my hair's trapped under the seat.
I can't move.
I told you to get a perm, Hooper.
That's what the whole goddamn piece is about perms in the force! What's wrong with you? Join the force but get a perm, don't be like Hooper, he's an idiot.
Phone the number, not that number, that's my own goddamn number.
Hooper got his hair caught! Hooper got his hair caught! Hooper shaved his pubes off! Hooper loves his mummy! You shut up, you imbecile.
Hooper, you have that edited together for first thing tomorrow, I got to go, it's my wife's bowling night.
I mean I could edit that but the programme I use to edit is in my brother's car.
I could do it at the weekend.
When does this have to be in? I was going to take the kids camping out on the lakes.
It's beautiful, the fishing's divine.
My wife caught a barracuda one time, imagine that barracuda! First time she ever held a rod, she catches a 300lb monster.
Doesn't surprise me, that's the kind of woman she is.
I mean, I knew the first day I met her, we danced and we kissed.
I said, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
" Dave said, "You always say that!" I said, "I got a feeling, we're going to get married.
" Dave said, "What weekend is that?" I said, "What do you mean what weekend? We just met! "I just got a feeling that's all.
" Dave says, "As long it's not April 4th, "because that's my wife's sister's birthday.
"I don't want to go but I have to go, you know, family, blah, blah.
" All bleeding coming together, innit, all bleeding coming together.
Worked it out, haven't I? This ain't it.
I'm in quarantine, aren't I, bleeding quarantine.
Just got to keep my head down, wait for my transfer to me bigger digs.
Imagine that, it'll be huge, there'll be female lions.
I'll get my own company car, be able to go and come as I please.
All bleeding coming together.
Probably be real cigarettes, won't have to do this as much.
Yeah, all bleeding coming together.
Who are you? I am Allen Key, quite literally the key to your freedom.
Wait a minute, I know who you are, you're that famous artist geezer aren't you, you're Jeff Koons.
I am most certainly not Jeff Koons, I am the world famous Andy Warhol.
I bleeding love Jeff Koons' stuff.
He is OK, but he is not in my league.
What, really? His balloon animal sculptures? They were blinding.
They were overrated.
I think history's going to be very kind to Jeff Koons.
Shut up about Jeff Koons! All right, keep your silver wig on, what do you want anyway, pal? Listen, I am Allen Key and I am here to help you, Dondylion.
Help me? Don't need any help, do I? All bleeding coming together.
It is far from coming together, Dondylion, it is about as far from coming together as is humanly possible.
Do you want to know what happens? In July, you suffer from severe weight loss.
Well, I do go up and down with me weight, I'm like Oprah.
In September, you die from a rare form of lion AIDS.
In December, you are buried out the back by a simpleton.
There is no funeral.
You have to choose Dondylion, between lion AIDS and freedom, lion AIDS and freedom.
I don't want lion AIDS, do I? Who wants bleeding lion AIDS? Choose freedom.
I will, what do I have to do, fill in a form? No, put me in the lock and twist me, Dondylion.
Want me to twist you up, you silver bitch.
This is more like it.
Climb over the wall to freedom.
Dave, you got here quick, got here before me.
Are you ready for freedom? We've made it, Dave, we've bleeding made it! Look at freedom.
Look at it, Dave! Look at the trees, look at the sky, look at the tiny ants on the pavement.
All bleeding came together.
Let's go and get ourselves a healthy dose of freedom.
Oops.
It's all bleeding coming together.
That's that album complete.
File that will you next to the tapirs who went blind in the '70s.
OK.
One more thing, I couldn't help noticing you played a key in that.
Yes.
How did you get that gig? I fingered the casting director.
Martin?! He's about 60! In this business, you've got to do what it takes.
As long as it doesn't affect your cleaning work.
Fuck you, I'm a star.
He came from the suburbs with a huge feline head and a searching red arrow for a penis.
Nobody is safe from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! Priests Oh, please! Horses Neigh! School children.
Blimey! Leave it out.
No, thank you, sir, I already have it, come along children.
Unbelievable! Even Snake Plissken from Escape From New York seen here enjoying a frappuccino.
You can run but you can't hide from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! If you see the tiger, contact this number immediately.
If you haven't already got the disease waste no time in sending off for your own personal chlamydia helmet, the only way to protect yourself from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum! Me and my flamingo We're off to Tesco Metro Me and my flamingo Rolling up and down the road But we've had a little fight And now we're walking in single file Single file Oh-oh, single file Oh-oh Me and my flamingo Have made the pepper all go Me and my flamingo We're off to Tesco Metro But it's flared up again And now you're putting on one of your shows Crying from my eyes Crying from my hundred eyes Crying from my eyes Crying from my hundred OK, great, I think we can probably use that in its entirety.
You guys pop out for lunch.
I'll give Dave Rowntree a text and see if he wants to come in and beef up the drums.
I understand you do your own percussion.
In many respects you are your own percussion, but I just think if the track stays in that state we won't get any radio airplay.
No, Kenny Loggins is a terrible example.
There's no call for that language.
Unbelievable, bloody country and western singers.
Well, you completely lost control of that situation.
It escalated, didn't it, quick, spiralled out of control.
Oh great, here we go.
I just thought I'd swoop in and see how my old mucker's doing.
Oh, really? Which is not that well.
The thing is, all I was saying was, Diamond Back laid down a track I just wanted to put some drums in.
It's not a big deal, is it? I mean he doesn't have to get all diva-ish, does he? Hasn't even have a song out yet.
Yeah.
He's not Lady Gaga, is he? No, well, who is? Lady Gaga.
Well, yeah.
I mean, other than her.
The point is I just thought it needed some extra drums and I was just about to persuade him when you came crashing in, you big hammerhead.
All right, no need to call a brother out on what he looks like.
I don't say how flat your face is, which is very, by the way.
All I was going to do was get Dave Rowntree in.
What? Don't get a ginger drummer.
Yeah, he looks like a Scotch egg wearing glasses.
But the guy's a ballsy drummer.
He is a balls out drummer.
He pours sawdust down, takes his pants off and picks up his sticks and he just beats the shit out of that kit.
Do not get a ginger drummer.
He lives round the corner, he's a solid drummer.
Do not get a ginger drummer.
He's a solid drummer.
They're bad news.
What do you mean? They get very hot, you can't use a red backdrop otherwise they disappear.
That's true, actually.
It's just sticks and eyes.
I know where you're coming from.
I worked with Cream, did their live album.
Ginger Baker used to get so hot, after the gigs Jack Bruce used to use him as a desk lamp.
Well, he looks like a lava lamp once he gets going, doesn't he? They did used to take him to parties, turn him upside down.
I quite enjoyed that.
Really? I thought it was racist.
I came here in 1949 with my Spanish brothers.
In those days we were see-through and our heads tapered into a point.
Can you understand why we're here? It's because we need to be.
What's that supposed to mean? It's my Australian accent.
Do it again.
Pass me the biro, mate.
Pass me the biro.
Look, mate, pass me the biro.
Boo, boo.
Pass me the biro, mate.
Pass me the biro.
Quick, mate! Pass me the biro.
Mate, pass me the biro.
Can't you see what's happening, mate? Don't just stare at me, mate.
Mate, you're just looking through me! Please, you got to help me! Ow! For God's sake, I've got chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum Calm down.
What do you mean, "calm down"? I'll have to walk around town now all week in a chlamydia outfit.
Just get some antibiotics.
It's not fair.
Why do I get chlamydia and not you? You should get a chlamydia helmet.
You not seen the adverts? It's the only way to protect yourself from The Tiger With Chlamydia.
Dum, dum, dum Pass me the biro, mate.
Mate, please, pass me the biro.
Mate, I've got chlamydia.
Pass me the biro.
You know who you should call? Who? Collins.
Oh, not the C-man.
That's right, Collins.
There's only one C-man drummer, and that's Copeland.
I don't trust blonde bands, there aren't any that are any good.
There are some good blonde musicians.
Yeah, individually, but get three of them together and you get that kind of clusterfuck like The Police.
And, you know, it's just no good.
Sting is a close personal friend of mine, I won't take that.
When did that motherfucker become like some medieval minstrel? He can't do a chat show without whipping out a lute these days.
He's just broadening his range.
I don't like Sting, I think he's a bad bass player.
You wanted to produce Regatta de Blanc and Sting turned to me.
The guy can't do reggae, let it go.
What do you mean, the guy can't do reggae? He built a career on doing reggae! White reggae is a powerful piece of business.
When done by three white men it sounds different.
Yeah, great, when Bob Marley does it, it sounds authentic, but when you get three white guys doing reggae you can't beat that sound.
Yeah, well.
Anyway I've to go, pick the kids up from school.
Do you mind picking up my lot? No, no, it's fine.
Do you mind if I take your Jeep? Sure, yeah, but fill it up this time, do you know what I mean, don't take the piss.
Unbelievable, so tight, you and Collins.
Well, that thing Worth a fortune, the pair of you.
Always counting every last penny.
Well, it takes about 110 a tank.
No-one asked you, did they, to get a Jeep that size.
Well, I didn't know, did I? It's like a battle station.
You feel very safe in it though, don't you? You do, actually.
And that's important, safety.
See you, then.
I mean, I quite like the hat, but the outfit's ridiculous, the gusset's nearly on the floor.
See, I'm always prepared, not like you, you're reckless like a child.
Not only have I got this helmet, this watch stops if you get lupus.
These clogs protect me from typhoid.
Typhoid clogs? That's why I'm more successful than you, financially, and with the ladies.
The ladies.
You mean the Sheilas? Pass me the biro, mate.
I hate you.
Oh, I've got shin splints! You look like an idiot.
Oh, my God, look at the state of your outfits, you look absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah, don't go on about it, I've got chlamyds and he's got shin splints.
Just get a helmet and some special rubber pants.
Have you not see the ad farts? The what? The ad farts.
Sorry, the what? The ad farts.
The head farts? Just get a special helmet, why don't you? Oh, my God, is this even a disease? Oh, my God! It's not fair, I haven't seen the ad fart.
Hello That is not a disease, ma'am, that is a perm, you've been recruited to the New York Police Force.
You report to your local precinct, 6am for weapons training.
Oh, come on, I can't get up that early, besides I already have a job.
Really? What is it you do, ma'am? I'm a slasher.
A what? You know, a DJ, slash, knit wear designer, slash, model, plus I do pop-up stores where I sell my own jewellery.
Ma'am, with all due respect none of those things are real jobs, OK, you tit.
You get out there and start solving crimes, thank you.
Hooper! I recruited another one.
I mean, is that even legal, poking people with your yellow arrow penis? Hooper, you are so innocent, in this job you do what you got to do.
What the hell is this? That, my friend, is good old-fashioned 1960s gonorrhoea.
Hooper, phone Mrs Boombox and tell her to cancel our anniversary meal.
In fact, tell her I died in the line of duty.
She cannot see me like this.
I saw you.
I see everything.