Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Oh. Aah!
Still not used to that.
What's the square footage in this place?
I could rent this in a
day if I were still alive
and hadn't been hit by that bus.
Yeah, you've said that, many times.
You know, you don't
need to brush your teeth.
There's already fluoride in the water,
and that's how the
Illuminati tracks you.
Well, lucky for you,
you don't have to worry
about that anymore.
You don't know that.
- What?!
- Is it gonna be much longer?
We agreed when you moved in,
10 minutes of bathroom time,
and I got one in the chamber.
Give me a minute! That's gross.
Does he know about this whole deal?
No. Nobody does.
Are you crazy? They'd lock her up.
That's what happens to truth tellers.
I really got to tell Dennis
to stop giving me multiple
obituaries at once.
Come on! Who are you talking to, anyway?
Nobody. Just listening to
a very annoying podcast.
You know lying is a sin?
How do you feel about all this, Father?
I'm very confused about
everything that's happening.
- Mm.
- Maybe you should talk to an Episcopalian.
I can't believe they put you
in charge of this festival.
I know, right?
It's the newspaper's biggest moneymaker,
and usually, they give it
to, like, a section editor,
and then I realized, yeah,
your girl's a section editor.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Do they know your sordid
history with the festival?
- Mm.
- How when we were broke staff writers,
we would just steal
from all the vendors?
I still can't eat coconut shrimp.
Oh, I learned real quick not
to put skewers in your pocket.
I remember that.
Whoa. The IT guy got a blowout.
- Oh!
- Sam, I'm sure you don't mind.
I needed to find out what a Karen was,
and I thought it might be a sex thing,
so I didn't want to Google
from my work computer.
Turns out it's a compliment.
Wow, you really got your
finger on the zeitgeist, Lexi.
I know. Oh! Bad news.
Bistro Eleven has had to drop out of
- the food and wine festival.
- I know who could replace them.
Do you remember Nyam Mat,
that Swedish-Jamaican fusion
place we were obsessed with?
Of course! Their jerk herring
got us through quarantine.
Plus, they're really kind of on-brand
with what we were envisioning
for the event, right?
Chic, sexy, but in a
casual way, just like
- Tilda Swinton!
- Tilda Swinton!
Ha ha, yes! I love Tilda Swinton.
She's so gaunt.
Sam, you should come
over to my place tonight.
Dinner on me
as a little thank-you
for all of your hard work.
We can finalize the layout for the event
while sipping rosé and
mocking our husbands.
Yes to that.
I am so sorry. Rain check on Cricket's?
Sure. No problem.
- I know you have a lot on your plate.
- Thanks.
Oh, if it helps, I bet I can get Cricket
to do a booth for her wine bar.
That would help so much. Thank you.
How sweet.
Sam, why don't you come up to my office,
try out my new massage chair?
I had them take out the restrictor plate
so it really gets in there.
Mm! Great.
- Heh.
- Awesome.
Yeah, have fun in that massage chair.
Me and my sciatica will just be here
uncomfortably writing obituaries.
Oh.
- Hey, hey.
- Mm-hmm?
Just sent you your next obit assignment.
Terri Lawrence, the
puppet lady from the '80s.
- OH.
- Hi.
I'm Ham Hock.
Oh, great, a puppet lady. Awesome.
Oh, I'm more than a puppet.
I'm a friend!
Oh, Nell, I would love
to do your festival.
Honey, Monty and I used
to do them all the time,
and we'd have so much fun.
But it's a two-person job.
- Maybe I can help.
- You know anything about wine?
I dabble.
- You dabble?
- I do.
Okay. Tell me about that.
Mm.
It's very wet on the palate.
- No.
- Oh.
Deep garnet color.
Fruit punch, pipe tobacco.
Velvety tannins. Old World.
- Mm.
- Southern Italy.
- Is this a 2016 Primitivo?
- Yes!
I hate it.
How do you know so much about wine?
Well, when I was trying
to get my girlfriend,
I read an article in Glamour
"Ten Things Women Love".
Wine was at the top of the list.
So, naturally, I learned
everything I could about it.
Unfortunately, however,
she doesn't drink.
It's too bad you're out
of town this weekend.
- I'm not. She asked me not to come.
- Why?
- Women are complex.
- Mm.
Like a 2019 Bordeaux.
Oh! Can't turn it off.
So, you can help Cricket?
- Ah?
- Hmm?
- I did get a new shirt.
- Oh.
No tag, super soft.
I'm very excited to get into it.
- Okay.
- Yay!
You guys are gonna love it.
Oh, me and my friends always
steal from all the booths.
But not yours, of course.
Huh!
God, I miss bread.
I am gonna eat and drink
all the food and wine
at the food and wine festival
until it is just a festival.
Right. You're starving yourself.
How's the Great Sperm Detox going?
Well, Ben and I are making our
deposits tonight after work.
We haven't had a single drop of alcohol
or a decent bite of food in three weeks.
- Oy.
- Gotta keep those wigglyboys a-squigglin'.
- Ew! No. Don't do that.
- No.
- Yes. Do it.
- Wonderful news, Sam.
My father will now be attending
our event to see firsthand
how well we're marketing
ourselves to our community.
I just could not be more pleased.
Just because he's the
CEO of a very successful
media/health-supplement empire
does not mean that he's particular.
No, he's very easy to deal with,
but that said, I think
adding just a couple of things
that I know will get a positive
response could be the move.
Lexi. Lexi, I know your dad
kind of stresses you
out, so you doing okay?
Uh-huh. Yeah, totally.
- Uh! You're choking me.
- Needs to be tighter.
Yes, listen, I think just
a couple of small things,
like perhaps have a booth set up
with people hand-rolling cigars.
That That'd be something easy to do,
and I can text you the customs
forms for his tobacco concierge.
So that'll be easy. Oh!
We also need to switch
out the jazz band,
because, um, jazz agitates him.
In fact, he doesn't
actually care for anything
that inspires people
to move their bodies.
Uh, so maybe, um, I
don't know bagpipes!
Can you get bagpipes?
Of course you can. You're magic.
Oh, I don't have that kind of time.
Ooh, speaking of time, I need
you to move up everything by
two hours to accommodate his schedule.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you! You're the best.
Hey.
You guys are screwed. Byeee.
Is she for real?
She just comes in here
and dumps work on you
and messes with your bangs,
which were perfect to
begin with, by the way?
No, it's fine.
Her dad just throws a lot at her.
You're a very nice person.
You're like Tilda Swinton in some movie
where she does too much for someone
who doesn't appreciate her.
Oh, I'm I'm not even sure who she is.
The point is, this doesn't
feel like a two-way street.
Just because a friend has another friend
doesn't mean you can't all be friends.
Quit it, pig!
Look, Nell, Lexi and
I are friends, okay?
So it would be really
helpful if the two of you
- could just figure out a way to get along.
- Of course.
Just 'cause my friend has another friend
doesn't mean we can't all be friends.
- Okay.
- That's what I like to hear.
But I hope it was sincere.
Oh, my God.
This was so hard to pull
together last-minute.
I can't even tell what's real anymore.
It seems like you pulled it off.
- Look at this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, we might want to switch
around the booths
so people eat before they drink,
because I don't know if it's the detox,
or maybe it's the empty stomach,
but this wine has your boy festive.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
It was not supposed to be like that.
It was just changing
the time for Lexi's dad
screwed everything up.
Well, I desperately need some
food to soak up this wine,
so Risotto Hut, five minutes.
Sam, babe, what time is
Kilta Kimbo hitting the stage?
- The who what now?
- Kilta Kimbo.
The Scottish Highland
dancing group I booked.
- I
- I thought your dad hated dancing.
Correct. He does, but he loves kicking.
Ah! It's arrived.
What's What's arrived?
Why is there a monster
truck at my festival?
I had it donated so
we could raffle it off.
But I'm gonna make sure Daddy wins it.
- Our little secret.
- No, that's fraud.
You're hilarious.
So, Lex, this is a little bit
more than what I was expecting
when you asked me to help
you out with this festival.
Oh, it's nothing my BFF can't handle.
My Best Friend, Figuring it out.
Well, no, that would be BFFIO,
and that's not even a real thing.
If I have to make room for that truck,
I'm gonna lose tables,
so I might as well just lost my mind
- because that seems more efficient.
- Okay, are you breathing?
I don't know. My chest is going up and
down, but nothing's going in or out.
It's just a wine festival, okay?
What's the worst that can happen?
Someone could drink without eating
and they'd get dehydrated
and then they could die,
then possibly other people die,
and then we'd have to go on the lam
and dye our hair blond
and move to Portugal.
Portugal? Okay, nobody's going to die.
But if they did, you would
look really hot as a blonde.
Okay.
Okay, thank you.
You got this. Come on.
Alright. Okay.
I am and gonna go and make
this festival my bitch.
- Yes, you are.
- Okay.
'Cause I'm your real BFF, you know?
Not like a BFF that's
utterly and truly insensitive.
Yeah, 'cause that would be a
BFF-UTI, and nobody wants that.
It's not nice to be mean
about someone's friend.
That's right, Ham Hock.
And UTIs are no joking matter.
This isn't going to end well.
You know what I'm in the mood for?
- Hmm?
- Some prosciutto.
And so, much like Aladdin,
we end our journey in a whole
new world with our Syrah.
You can tell they've tried to extract
as much terroir as possible.
Drink.
Why?
Monty and I used to
play this wine-snob game.
If anyone said "terroir" or
"legs" or "jammy", we'd drink.
He was right about the terroir, though.
I'm starting to think
that it's not the festivals
that I enjoy so much. It's Monty.
We could have fun anywhere. I'm sorry.
I guess the heat and
the sun beating down
doesn't have me in a fun mood.
Excuse me.
Would you mind loaning
my friend your umbrella?
I don't think so.
- She just lost her husband.
- Ohh.
I'm sorry for your loss.
- Yeah. I hope this helps.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Aww.
You know, she's also sad
because she doesn't have a lemonade.
- You didn't get a lemonade?
- Mnh-mnh.
- Here you go.
- Aww. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Mmm!
This is much tastier than my tears.
Okay.
Alright now. Bless you. Thank you.
Did we just invent the Widow Game?
- I think we did.
- Okay! I like it.
Okay, it's not perfect,
but it could be so much worse, right?
It could be so much worse.
I don't know I would have
done any of this without you.
- Sam?
- Mm?
What is this?
A plate with a hole in it.
It is a hole for your wine glass.
Yeah, I took this from a
woman. She brought it from home.
- I'd like it back.
- You stay out of this.
Now, this is innovation.
This is unique, creative.
It's making all of
our plates look stupid!
Okay, are you being serious right now?
Because I moved heaven and earth
to make this festival great,
and now you're upset because the plates
don't have holes in them?
No, I'm upset because
I hired you to do a job
and you you dropped the ball.
Oh, you hired me? I'm
someone you hire now?
Because when you were
stressed and needed
someone to stay up all
night, then I was your friend.
Sam, make no mistake, I am your boss,
and it is your job to do
exactly what I tell you to do.
And right now, it doesn't feel
like you're up for that job.
Here.
Whoa. I am so sorry.
That was harsh even for Lexi standards.
- It's fine.
- No! It is not.
She claims to be your friend,
and then she treats
you like crap all day.
She's spoiled and entitled,
and she doesn't deserve you, dude.
You know what?
Actually, if she thinks
that I am so terrible
at running this event,
then she can run the rest of it herself,
and you and I can go off
and have fun like we used to.
Go! Okay, come on.
Alright. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, you better hurry up.
My father was, um he
was a connoisseur himself,
and do you have vegan
I gotta go. Thank you.
- Mm!
- Ah!
Look at you!
I don't even know how you did that.
- You know what sucks?
- Huh?
I work my ass off to
make Lexi's event great.
She doesn't appreciate any of it.
No, no, no, no, no. We don't
need to talk about Lexi.
Come on. We're having so much fun.
After I pee, let's go see
if the bagpipers will let us
- try to play a song.
- You're right.
And you've always been
right about her, you know?
- Well
- I'm done with her.
She is spoiled and entitled
and she doesn't deserve me as a friend.
I tend to be a good judge of character.
Wrap it up, buddy!
But the good news is, is that I'm back.
You don't need her anymore. Heh heh!
- Thank you!
- It's all yours.
- To you.
- Whew!
Oh, yeah, there it is.
You know, someone
should actually tell Lexi
to her face that she's selfish.
- Uh-huh.
- And that she's a butthole.
Yeah, she is. Ha!
And that person should be me right now.
- Huh?
- Here I go.
Wait, what?
No, Sam, that's a terrible idea.
She's your boss. Sam!
Sam? Huh?
No. Sam? Sam?
I warned you things wouldn't end well
if you didn't share your friend.
You were in there the whole time?
I saw everything.
That is not cool.
Uh, hey, Lexi.
Um, did Sam come to talk to you yet?
No, she has not.
Okay, well, it looks like you're waiting
for your dragons to hatch,
so I'll just leave you to it.
This event is a complete disaster.
I stupidly made all these changes
just so my father would like
it, and now he's not even coming.
His assistant texted me to
say that he can't make it,
just like my graduation, my wedding,
- my birth.
- Uh
Alrighty.
Well, it looks like you have
that under control, so bye!
Lexi seems sad.
You should never leave
someone alone who's sad.
Put a sock in it, sock. Okay?
I'm done with the moralizing.
Why do you find it so hard
to listen to good advice?
Oh, my God, Terri.
I'll be honest, I completely forgot
you were just a person.
That's okay. Sometimes I forget, too.
Nell, when I was a child,
I had a terrible stutter.
A lot of the kids made fun of me.
It made me really sad,
and I closed myself off
from the rest of the world.
And then one day, I
drew a face on a sock,
and it made me smile,
and I realized that when I
talked through the puppet,
my stutter went away.
Wow. That's amazing.
Ham Hock let me talk to people,
and I realized that the
ones who are the prickliest
are hiding that, deep
down, they're in pain.
I know that Ham Hock may seem silly,
but with her help, I make people
who are hurting feel better.
And I think you can
do that for Lexi, too.
Ohh.
- You okay, bro?
- I'm fine.
Yeah, it doesn't seem like you're fine.
Sucks that your dad sucks, huh?
What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
- Who sent you?
- No one.
I Just trying to help,
and it seems like you're sad, so
- Thought you might want to talk.
- Fine.
Yes, my father sucks.
But he's always sucked.
I just can't stop thinking
about how terrible I was to Sam.
I mean, I said such
horrible things to her,
and it's just it's not like me.
I mean, you do that to me all the time.
Yes, because I don't care about you.
Yep. Just like that.
Look, I know that I
can be kind of harsh
and intense and attractive,
but Sam liked me anyway.
She was my best friend, and I ruined it.
And I'm sure this delights you.
I mean, now you have
her all to yourself.
I know that you dislike me.
I don't. I I don't dislike you.
I'm just
a little jealous of you sometimes.
That makes sense.
I'm sorry your dad did that to you.
You didn't deserve that.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You're freaking me out. Go away.
And there she is.
Look, look.
I made some man in a skirt cry.
That's some high-level widowing.
I know.
Thank you.
And thank you for today.
My pleasure.
So what happened with your
girlfriend this weekend?
You never said.
She was in a bad mood after work,
so I figured I should leave her alone.
Did you ask her what was wrong?
Damn it.
This is why I need a magazine
list to tell me what women want.
I don't know, I think your instincts
are mostly pretty good.
Look, I didn't think I
could have fun without Monty
at these things, and
you showed me that I can.
You don't need a list to be a catch.
So should I delete it?
Okay, let's take a look.
- These are not all bad.
- Mm.
I think your girlfriend
would want you around
if you did number seven.
I do number seven all the time.
She says I'm fantastic at it.
I learned a lot of stuff
from a book by Kim Cattrall.
Suddenly I don't feel so
bad for your girlfriend.
Look at number 10.
Oh, now, that's some crazy.
Ah, hold on.
There you are.
Oh, please don't tell me you're so drunk
you think that this is an Uber.
I didn't tell Lexi off.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.
I just can't believe she said all those
awful things, you know?
I thought we were closer than that.
You know, when you were in
London and I had the kids,
she was the only one there for me.
Oh, I suck. I'm so sorry, Sam.
No, that is not about you.
You were off living your
life, and that was great.
It's just that I was here,
and I was overwhelmed,
and I didn't know what I was doing.
And Lexi is the one that
helped me really figure it out,
and I really leaned on her.
I think you're being hard on Lexi.
I know. Exactly, right? It's just
Wait, what?
She had some bad
moments today, for sure,
but she feels really bad,
and your friendship means a lot to her.
Okay, am I still
drunk, or are you saying
sort of nice things about Lexi?
Girl, I'm drunk.
I mean, that's the only
way to explain that.
No, I'm
It's not all on her.
You know, I haven't exactly been
looking for Lexi's good side.
I mean, maybe it's because
she doesn't show it to me,
but today I saw a sliver of it.
It was a very small sliver,
like when you go to a
super-bomb sushi restaurant,
and the sushi chef cuts
that fish real thin,
that it's almost translucent.
You can see the rice
through it and the wasabi
Okay. No, I get it. I
get what you're saying.
I'm never gonna love Lexi,
but I am so grateful
that she was there for you
when I couldn't be.
Anyone who cares about you
this much can't be all that bad.
Wake up, kids, we got
the dreamers disease ♪
It's funny how the
simplest lessons in life
can seem so silly,
but we keep coming back
to them again and again
because they're so true.
Oh, thank you very much.
Help each other.
Be kind.
Share.
Even if life gets more
complicated as we get older,
if we feel left out or left behind,
one thing never changes.
Nell, we stole all the truffle
fries from Archie's Tater Shack.
- Get the ketchup.
- Oh, and a fork.
Our friends are always there
for us when we need them.
Thanks for all the
advice, Ham Hock and Terri.
Our pleasure.
And always remember to pee after sex.
Don't give up ♪
You got a reason to live ♪
Can't forget ♪
Hey, save some for me!
We only get what we give ♪
Hi, Nell.
Ham Hock?
I What are you
Wait, how are I pressed send.
- It's me Tina.
- Oh.
I read your obit about Terri Lawrence,
and it inspired me to
pull out my old Hock Sock.
Turns out, writing about
crime is so much more fun.
It's usually the husband.
Give me the pig.
Give me the pig, Tina.
Why are you so
No.
Wow.