On the Couch (2013) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
CLOCK TICKS.
WHISPERING.
CLOCK TICKS.
It has been a tense week, following last week's revelations, that our daughter Jade is involved in a same-sex relationship, at this moment in time.
It also transpired, that our daughter Jade, was very displeased with me, for not telling Sylvia the information in a way she would've liked.
Yeah.
She wanted to sit me down with Tamara, you know, the two of them together and tell me.
God's sake! All I can say is that the atmosphere in the house, is toxic.
Alright, Dudley.
There is a degree of psychological torment Alright Dudley! which is not being helped by your behaviour, as regard You've got to realise that at some point, you're going to have to sit down at the table for talks.
This doesn't just affect me, you and Jade.
There is also little Edel to think of.
That is the only point I'm making, thank you.
Yeah, well.
I just wish you'd waited until after Portobanus to tell me.
Well, I think it's been a game-changing week.
A sort of, seismic shift.
Sometimes it does take a crisis, to make you reappraise things.
I think we lost sight of our core values.
We just weren't spending enough time at home.
Absolutely and I think it was affecting our relationship.
Yes, you're right.
We just weren't making time for each other.
Until Dargan's diagnosis, I mean, I think You saw yourself here, we were tearing one another apart.
Blaming ourselves.
I mean, you know, Dargan's behavioural problems, aren't really our fault.
We see that now.
Sometimes, you've got to let go, you just have to let go.
You do what you can, you worry so much.
But I think we've let go now and I think it's going to do us good, don't you think? Absolutely.
You are so right.
You're right.
No, you are.
No, you are! I came home from Pilates and found Jade in the house with yer wan, Tamara.
They were upstairs.
And eh I was calm, but I was raging.
And I said eh get out! Tamara proceeded to call her, every name under the sun.
A hater.
Very hostile.
A hater, she was screaming at me! And I said to Jade: 'Get her out.
Now.
Out.
'.
And Jade said to me: 'Well if she goes, I go.
'.
I knew she was baiting me, so I said to her: 'Ok.
Off you go.
'.
You know? And off they went.
And they were going down the road, screaming and shouting at me, that I was a homophobe, and a bigot! You know? I just slammed the door, and I rang Dudley.
Well, at that point, uh, I went down to Noel and Kay's, to retrieve our daughter.
I knocked on the door.
Kay duly answered the door, muttering some shite.
What's knew? What, I don't know.
I said, 'Shut up! Go and get me daughter!'.
So, at that point I found out, that Jade did not actually want to speak to me.
It's not your fault.
And then, uh, unprompted, Tamara started to hurl, a volley, a volley of very hurtful abuse in my direction.
Little tramp.
I also found out, in the course of the dispute, that it was Tamara, who made the anonymous phonecall regarding my affair! It was her, who made the call! Tamara, who made the phonecall regarding my affair.
I said to you, I said it Dudley, didn't I? It was Tamara! I said to you, the first time we met that girl, I said, 'There's something about that girl, she's cheeky, and there's something about her that sends a shiver down my spine.
'.
But of course, that was it.
It was her voice.
Needless to say, I had her barred from the house as well.
Too right.
Court case? Oh it's all been resolved.
Yes, thanks to you.
Well I mean He always holds his nerve.
Well, an eleventh hour breakthrough, mid-session, all charges against Dargan were dropped.
Apparently Jason Livingston had no recollection whatsoever, of Dargan's involvement.
He remembered the other 5.
They all got pretty lengthy sentences, as I'm sure you read in the papers.
Dargan is innocent, and that is now the truth, as found by a court of law, and you know, who can argue with that? No, no.
Jason Livingston's father came to me, he's up to his tits in Anglo.
And anyway, I heard him out.
I have seen, Carmel Downey, because I went to apologise to her, for what has really been my appalling, selfish behaviour, to her.
It was very difficult to say sorry to Carmel Downey.
She's not exactly a fan of mine, to put it mildly.
She certainly didn't make it easy.
But I'd no choice.
I did it, for my wife Carmel.
I did it, for you Carmel.
To make, some reparation (SOBS LOUDLY) Well, the atmosphere is terrible.
It's very divisive.
Myself and Dudley were organising a fundraising drive, for a local kiddie who has four kidneys.
He has to go to America to get a couple of them taken out.
So we organised this karaoke night, with Silver Bella.
What a character! He's a bit blue now, but he really gets things going, you know? Well anyway, we walk into the bar and eh It was horrific, wasn't it Dudley? It was an appalling vista, what we seen.
There's Noel and Kay and Olive and at the top of the table, there's Jade and Tamara.
Arms wrapped around each other.
Everyone is carrying on, as if nothing's happening.
As if they're being congratulated.
Encouraged.
I felt as though I was the only 'tick' that hadn't known about the situation.
I also felt there was a degree of judgment upon Sylvia and myself.
Everywhere you looked there were eyes on ya.
Delighted, they were.
That was not the worst of it.
Pat Geraghty.
.
The pig.
.
.
referred to our Jade, as I can't bring meself to say it.
A vagitarian.
De maggot.
How would you like it, to be jibed about fact your daughter was in actual fact a lesbian? Easy not to have a problem with something that doesn't affect you.
It's not their child.
It's not their daughter.
Guilt, I think is a relative term.
But I think, in this case, justice has more or less been served.
Anyway Dargan, will have plenty of time to think about it where he's gone.
Military school, Hampshire.
That'll pull him into line.
Well not before he terrorised poor wee Namimba.
She ran away, she was found wandering the streets of Ballsbridge, looking for the Ugandan embassy, poor wee thing.
I mean, there isn't one in Dublin.
I'm really sad about it, but I mean look, it just wasn't really working out.
I think it's for the best.
She's back, we sent her back to Uganda.
It probably just wasn't the right fit.
Well Graham, the adoption wasn't legal anyway.
Well I was led to believe her entire family was killed in a landmine explosion.
They were looking for her, apparently they were going crazy.
I was only trying to give her a life.
Ok, but no more waifs and strays.
Ok, ok.
Well actually I do have my eye on one in Malawi! Graham! It's ok, I'll leave that to Madge! Met her once.
Wonderful mother.
Great woman.
She was with her then boyfriend, Jesus.
Surprisingly mature for a 22 year old.
The Madonna And a Child.
Graham.
Only joking.
The healing of the rift between Brendan and Carmel Downey did make my passage back into Slenderize, easier.
But I have to say, Carmel was fantastically forgiving.
She said to me: 'You, Carmel, I've plans for you.
'.
And eh She's launching a new product, the 'Slenderize Gut-Cruncher' she's calling it, for working out the abs.
She said to me: 'You Carmel, are going to be the poster girl!'.
I said, 'Me? No way.
'.
But anyway, she convinced me.
That has been interesting.
She's a tough task-master, Carmel.
She said to me that the leotards were unforgiving and that I was going to have to lose the weight I put on, and firm up.
You'd only put on 12 lbs, that's all.
Well, it's much easier to put on than it is to take off.
Anyway, she's been keeping tabs on me, and that's ok, I need that push.
So things are fine on that score, really.
Fine.
I just don't understand, why she's doing it? And why she has to rub our faces in it like that? I don't understand it.
It's like she's provoking us.
Sylvia, we are coming from a place of shock, panic and fear.
But let us separate the issues here.
Tamara, what clearly is a cunning, manipulative menace You're right there.
Who has got out daughter in a psychological hold, and who has a very dark agenda.
However, in removing Tamara from the picture, we will then be free to re-engage with our daughter, and almost invariably we will find out that this is just a phase.
Hormones gone funny, whatever, but a phase.
MUSIC.
Go on tell her.
Tell her, go on.
Ok, ok.
I packed in my job.
LAUGHS.
Yes, she did.
I mean, I think the corporate environment is really tricky for a woman.
Glass ceiling my arse, the ceiling is made out of concrete.
I'm back at my desk, 3 weeks after I've had a baby.
Leaking nipples, and you know You get fed up as well having to grow a pair of balls every time you want something done.
Poor you.
Basically, I said to the big man, 'Ok, look, I would like some time off.
I want to relook at my life, start re-assessing things.
'.
He said: 'Absolutely no way.
'.
So I said, 'Ok, well you can absolutely fuck off!'.
LAUGHTER.
That's right, the diplomatist! Guess what she's doing? Me at home? After two days I am going crazy.
So I have decided to start up my own business, that I'm going to run from home.
Guess what it is? Making cupcakes! LAUGHTER.
Isn't that really just, so sweet? Well actually you know, I'm not making the cakes myself.
I can't cook.
But I am doing all the marketing, the design I'm really pleased for Yah-Yah's she's got something to do.
Taking over the world from her own home, eh? YES! We tried to have sex, and eh It was Difficult.
Oh.
It was my fault.
Carmel Carmel .
.
she did her best.
The next day I felt very low, about it.
I was working out with Carmel Downey on the Gut-Cruncher, and she was pushing me very hard, and I got upset.
She said, 'Go on, keep crunching'.
I said, 'NO, it's not about that.
It's about me and Brendan.
'.
And I told her.
In the heel of the hunt she told me not to worry about it, that she eh That she had something for me.
Viagra.
My worry is 'dis.
That you will just sit back and let her do this phase, or whatever it is, and you know, well that could ruin her career! It's alright to be gay in the entertainment industry if you're a bloke.
In fact a lot of people say it's a career move.
Look at Andrew Ridgley when Wham! broke up, he never went anywhere.
But look at George Michael.
A lot of people say he's not even gay.
Although there are lesbians in the entertainment industry, like K.
D.
Lang.
Who's she? I never heard of her.
Jodie Foster.
Ah sure she's finished.
What about that Ellen de Generes.
Oh, Ellen is right.
She went out with a girl a few years back a normal girl, a straight girl.
She was an actress.
And she took up with Ellen.
Never got a job after it, never.
It just doesn't make any sense to me, you know? I mean, she's absolutely beautiful Jade.
They're queuing up for her.
They've always been queuing up for Jade, you know? Although she didn't actually go out with any of them.
That's because you were over-protective of her, you practically bated them down the driveway.
Oh, what.
Now it's my fault, is it? I said, 'Would you consider taking Viagra?'.
And he said immediately that he would.
So initially I was delighted about that.
I said, 'Come on, let's get to it.
Because if the reports are anything to be believed, we'll be at it until the sun comes up.
'.
It didn't make any difference.
I mean, I eh I dressed up for the occasion, but sure I'd to put on a fleece after about half an hour, there was nothing happening.
I am not against gays.
I'm not.
I know a few.
I'm not against gays, ya know? But a girl? My Jade.
Lovely, beautiful, sparkly Jade.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm getting out of Africa, I am.
I mean, my compassion work.
I've had enough, yeah.
Africa is full of do-gooders, it really is.
Do-gooders everywhere.
I was there when Africa was Africa.
It was a real challenge Oh, that's nice.
So I've had enough, and I'm coming home now.
I'm not giving up my compassionate work, I'm bringing it back home with me.
Graham can do humanitarian work in Ireland, because at least he pays his taxes here.
Let's not judge, they're wealth creators.
Anyway, so I'm back home.
Most of the time.
And eh, spending more time with Moya.
It's really great.
I even suggested we try a bit of monogamy.
He's only saying that because his prostate is giving him jip.
Not anymore.
My PSA profile is less than two.
Currently, I've got the arsehole of a 21 year old.
Since Jade came out, or whatever it is, she's delighted with herself, ya know? She's not the one who's suffering.
She's putting us through the mill.
She's off down in Kay and Noel's.
And she's poisoning little Edel's mind as well.
Edel's saying stuff like: 'Oh, everyone knew Jade was gay since the time she was 13.
' 'What are you talking about, stop it.
Stop that talk now!' 13, sure she was still playing with her Barbies at 13.
Jade is choosing this.
She's choosing to upset us.
She's choosing to cause friction in the house.
She's choosing to exacerbate things between meself and Kay which were always shaky anyway.
She's choosing to destroy our holliers to Portobanus.
She'll ruin her chances if this gets out.
Who is going to want to be with her after this? I can assure you Sylvia, most men would be turned on by the thought of two women making love together.
Carmel I just thought, face it Carmel.
Carmel! You're a dog! Stop it! Stop it Carmel, stop it! Stop it Carmel.
Stop putting yourself DOWN.
You're not a dog.
It's not your fault.
It's my fault Carmel.
It's my fault.
I-I-I I do not find you attractive, because I don't find anybody attractive.
I don't want to have sex with you, and I don't want to have sex with anybody.
LOUD SOBS.
It's not your fault.
I have no desire.
It's just the way I am.
I have no interest sexually, in anybody.
I'm sorry Carmel.
LOUD SOBS.
If that's the term for it, then yes.
I'm an asexual man.
WHIMPERING.
Ok.
As part of this reimagining of our lives, myself and Graham have had to admit a few things, haven't we? Yes we have, I'm afraid.
And one of those things is, that neither one of us is any good at discipline.
Well I mean, you know, we've tried, haven't we? But we're just too nice.
We're terrible.
We love the children so much, too much, almost.
I mean not But you know.
So we said, ok.
We're going to have to delegate.
So, boarding school.
I mean it was sudden, yes.
We made the decision Wednesday They were in by Friday.
There's NO comparison whatsoever between this place and my boarding school.
This place is like a bloody 5 star hotel.
It's beautiful.
I mean, it's not bloody cheap either.
Ten grand a term, not much change out of.
Please forgive me.
I don't know what I am.
Well there's just me, and Graham, and the trips at home.
Isn't it? Yeah.
They're so cute.
Orwell, Virgil and Setanta.
Caesar! Oh sorry! You have to trust him to discipline them, no way.
Can't even remember their names.
Well, they all look the same.
Bad Daddy! Stupid Daddy! GIGGLES.
MAKES MONKEY NOISE.
SOBBING.
If you want to take a lover, you can.
You can take a lover, that's fine.
Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I'm out at badminton.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) We will fight this, with every last breath in our bodies.
Won't we Dudley.
That's right.
I want my Dudley, to walk our daughter down the aisle.
I want her to have the career she's supposed to have, and I want her to have our grandchildren for us.
And I want her to do it with a bloke.
I just HAVE to check the phone.
I've got calls and it's Day 2 of the business, I can't NOT be there.
Well anyway, we just wanted to say a few words.
Graham, you tell her.
Yeah, ok, on behalf of Moya and myself, I want to say Oh my God, I've got two orders.
Oh, super.
Way to go, yah-yah.
That's great.
Anyway, myself and Graham PHONE RINGS have found the therapy great, haven't we? Ah yeah, great.
PHONE RINGS.
PHONE RINGS LOUDER.
And the other thing is Oh just leave it.
The other thing is, that we are, renewing our wedding vows at our place in Tuscany Hello? We wanted to ask you, you know, when he gets off the phone! Can you speak up a bit? If you would like to come along? Take a lover? What is this? It's not a French novel.
I mean, HOW am I going to find a LOVER? I mean, I know from poor Carmel Downey's experience, that dating in your fifties It's CARNAGE out there.
I mean, all that's left are freaks and losers.
I'm never going to find anybody.
I want to have a sexual relationship with my husband.
IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.
Coming here to therapy has taught me that with openness, with honesty, with clarity and with listening, that it is possible to move on from anything.
We do not come from a gold-plated silver spoon type of background.
We have fought for everything we have.
And we will fight for our Jade.
To the death.
That Tamara one doesn't know what she's taken on with us.
You do not take on Sylvia and Dudley Gibbons.
No.
No way.
Erm, trouble at the school I'm afraid.
What? Apparently Trixie's tried to burn down the gym.
Oh God, they've fire extinguishers, don't they? So are you going to come to the wedding? Listen.
You can analyze the other couples, and they wouldn't even know.
Oh my God, she'd have her work cut out for her there! It'd be a right laugh.
You wouldn't have to put your hand in your pocket.
I mean, think about it.
The kids are going to be there.
Except Dargan.
But, ok.
So.
Well, that's us, isn't it? All done.
Toodle pip.
Ciao.
Well the door The door to our marriage is open.
If you want me to go, then I'll go.
Oh! So you're going to leave me now, Brendan? I'm not going to leave you, I'm just offering to.
So maybe you'll be free to live your life and maybe you can find happiness, with someone else.
NO! I know we've gone 5 minutes over the time.
But I've just been told my husband is never going to have sex with me.
And what? We're supposed to just walk out into the rest of our barren lives? SOBS.
We'll work it out Carmel.
We will.
Would you like to go for a carvery? Fennelly's or Cassidy's, you pick.
Fennelly's.
Thank you.
LOUD SOBS.
Thank you Carmel.
Let's go.
I'm starving.
MUSIC
WHISPERING.
CLOCK TICKS.
It has been a tense week, following last week's revelations, that our daughter Jade is involved in a same-sex relationship, at this moment in time.
It also transpired, that our daughter Jade, was very displeased with me, for not telling Sylvia the information in a way she would've liked.
Yeah.
She wanted to sit me down with Tamara, you know, the two of them together and tell me.
God's sake! All I can say is that the atmosphere in the house, is toxic.
Alright, Dudley.
There is a degree of psychological torment Alright Dudley! which is not being helped by your behaviour, as regard You've got to realise that at some point, you're going to have to sit down at the table for talks.
This doesn't just affect me, you and Jade.
There is also little Edel to think of.
That is the only point I'm making, thank you.
Yeah, well.
I just wish you'd waited until after Portobanus to tell me.
Well, I think it's been a game-changing week.
A sort of, seismic shift.
Sometimes it does take a crisis, to make you reappraise things.
I think we lost sight of our core values.
We just weren't spending enough time at home.
Absolutely and I think it was affecting our relationship.
Yes, you're right.
We just weren't making time for each other.
Until Dargan's diagnosis, I mean, I think You saw yourself here, we were tearing one another apart.
Blaming ourselves.
I mean, you know, Dargan's behavioural problems, aren't really our fault.
We see that now.
Sometimes, you've got to let go, you just have to let go.
You do what you can, you worry so much.
But I think we've let go now and I think it's going to do us good, don't you think? Absolutely.
You are so right.
You're right.
No, you are.
No, you are! I came home from Pilates and found Jade in the house with yer wan, Tamara.
They were upstairs.
And eh I was calm, but I was raging.
And I said eh get out! Tamara proceeded to call her, every name under the sun.
A hater.
Very hostile.
A hater, she was screaming at me! And I said to Jade: 'Get her out.
Now.
Out.
'.
And Jade said to me: 'Well if she goes, I go.
'.
I knew she was baiting me, so I said to her: 'Ok.
Off you go.
'.
You know? And off they went.
And they were going down the road, screaming and shouting at me, that I was a homophobe, and a bigot! You know? I just slammed the door, and I rang Dudley.
Well, at that point, uh, I went down to Noel and Kay's, to retrieve our daughter.
I knocked on the door.
Kay duly answered the door, muttering some shite.
What's knew? What, I don't know.
I said, 'Shut up! Go and get me daughter!'.
So, at that point I found out, that Jade did not actually want to speak to me.
It's not your fault.
And then, uh, unprompted, Tamara started to hurl, a volley, a volley of very hurtful abuse in my direction.
Little tramp.
I also found out, in the course of the dispute, that it was Tamara, who made the anonymous phonecall regarding my affair! It was her, who made the call! Tamara, who made the phonecall regarding my affair.
I said to you, I said it Dudley, didn't I? It was Tamara! I said to you, the first time we met that girl, I said, 'There's something about that girl, she's cheeky, and there's something about her that sends a shiver down my spine.
'.
But of course, that was it.
It was her voice.
Needless to say, I had her barred from the house as well.
Too right.
Court case? Oh it's all been resolved.
Yes, thanks to you.
Well I mean He always holds his nerve.
Well, an eleventh hour breakthrough, mid-session, all charges against Dargan were dropped.
Apparently Jason Livingston had no recollection whatsoever, of Dargan's involvement.
He remembered the other 5.
They all got pretty lengthy sentences, as I'm sure you read in the papers.
Dargan is innocent, and that is now the truth, as found by a court of law, and you know, who can argue with that? No, no.
Jason Livingston's father came to me, he's up to his tits in Anglo.
And anyway, I heard him out.
I have seen, Carmel Downey, because I went to apologise to her, for what has really been my appalling, selfish behaviour, to her.
It was very difficult to say sorry to Carmel Downey.
She's not exactly a fan of mine, to put it mildly.
She certainly didn't make it easy.
But I'd no choice.
I did it, for my wife Carmel.
I did it, for you Carmel.
To make, some reparation (SOBS LOUDLY) Well, the atmosphere is terrible.
It's very divisive.
Myself and Dudley were organising a fundraising drive, for a local kiddie who has four kidneys.
He has to go to America to get a couple of them taken out.
So we organised this karaoke night, with Silver Bella.
What a character! He's a bit blue now, but he really gets things going, you know? Well anyway, we walk into the bar and eh It was horrific, wasn't it Dudley? It was an appalling vista, what we seen.
There's Noel and Kay and Olive and at the top of the table, there's Jade and Tamara.
Arms wrapped around each other.
Everyone is carrying on, as if nothing's happening.
As if they're being congratulated.
Encouraged.
I felt as though I was the only 'tick' that hadn't known about the situation.
I also felt there was a degree of judgment upon Sylvia and myself.
Everywhere you looked there were eyes on ya.
Delighted, they were.
That was not the worst of it.
Pat Geraghty.
.
The pig.
.
.
referred to our Jade, as I can't bring meself to say it.
A vagitarian.
De maggot.
How would you like it, to be jibed about fact your daughter was in actual fact a lesbian? Easy not to have a problem with something that doesn't affect you.
It's not their child.
It's not their daughter.
Guilt, I think is a relative term.
But I think, in this case, justice has more or less been served.
Anyway Dargan, will have plenty of time to think about it where he's gone.
Military school, Hampshire.
That'll pull him into line.
Well not before he terrorised poor wee Namimba.
She ran away, she was found wandering the streets of Ballsbridge, looking for the Ugandan embassy, poor wee thing.
I mean, there isn't one in Dublin.
I'm really sad about it, but I mean look, it just wasn't really working out.
I think it's for the best.
She's back, we sent her back to Uganda.
It probably just wasn't the right fit.
Well Graham, the adoption wasn't legal anyway.
Well I was led to believe her entire family was killed in a landmine explosion.
They were looking for her, apparently they were going crazy.
I was only trying to give her a life.
Ok, but no more waifs and strays.
Ok, ok.
Well actually I do have my eye on one in Malawi! Graham! It's ok, I'll leave that to Madge! Met her once.
Wonderful mother.
Great woman.
She was with her then boyfriend, Jesus.
Surprisingly mature for a 22 year old.
The Madonna And a Child.
Graham.
Only joking.
The healing of the rift between Brendan and Carmel Downey did make my passage back into Slenderize, easier.
But I have to say, Carmel was fantastically forgiving.
She said to me: 'You, Carmel, I've plans for you.
'.
And eh She's launching a new product, the 'Slenderize Gut-Cruncher' she's calling it, for working out the abs.
She said to me: 'You Carmel, are going to be the poster girl!'.
I said, 'Me? No way.
'.
But anyway, she convinced me.
That has been interesting.
She's a tough task-master, Carmel.
She said to me that the leotards were unforgiving and that I was going to have to lose the weight I put on, and firm up.
You'd only put on 12 lbs, that's all.
Well, it's much easier to put on than it is to take off.
Anyway, she's been keeping tabs on me, and that's ok, I need that push.
So things are fine on that score, really.
Fine.
I just don't understand, why she's doing it? And why she has to rub our faces in it like that? I don't understand it.
It's like she's provoking us.
Sylvia, we are coming from a place of shock, panic and fear.
But let us separate the issues here.
Tamara, what clearly is a cunning, manipulative menace You're right there.
Who has got out daughter in a psychological hold, and who has a very dark agenda.
However, in removing Tamara from the picture, we will then be free to re-engage with our daughter, and almost invariably we will find out that this is just a phase.
Hormones gone funny, whatever, but a phase.
MUSIC.
Go on tell her.
Tell her, go on.
Ok, ok.
I packed in my job.
LAUGHS.
Yes, she did.
I mean, I think the corporate environment is really tricky for a woman.
Glass ceiling my arse, the ceiling is made out of concrete.
I'm back at my desk, 3 weeks after I've had a baby.
Leaking nipples, and you know You get fed up as well having to grow a pair of balls every time you want something done.
Poor you.
Basically, I said to the big man, 'Ok, look, I would like some time off.
I want to relook at my life, start re-assessing things.
'.
He said: 'Absolutely no way.
'.
So I said, 'Ok, well you can absolutely fuck off!'.
LAUGHTER.
That's right, the diplomatist! Guess what she's doing? Me at home? After two days I am going crazy.
So I have decided to start up my own business, that I'm going to run from home.
Guess what it is? Making cupcakes! LAUGHTER.
Isn't that really just, so sweet? Well actually you know, I'm not making the cakes myself.
I can't cook.
But I am doing all the marketing, the design I'm really pleased for Yah-Yah's she's got something to do.
Taking over the world from her own home, eh? YES! We tried to have sex, and eh It was Difficult.
Oh.
It was my fault.
Carmel Carmel .
.
she did her best.
The next day I felt very low, about it.
I was working out with Carmel Downey on the Gut-Cruncher, and she was pushing me very hard, and I got upset.
She said, 'Go on, keep crunching'.
I said, 'NO, it's not about that.
It's about me and Brendan.
'.
And I told her.
In the heel of the hunt she told me not to worry about it, that she eh That she had something for me.
Viagra.
My worry is 'dis.
That you will just sit back and let her do this phase, or whatever it is, and you know, well that could ruin her career! It's alright to be gay in the entertainment industry if you're a bloke.
In fact a lot of people say it's a career move.
Look at Andrew Ridgley when Wham! broke up, he never went anywhere.
But look at George Michael.
A lot of people say he's not even gay.
Although there are lesbians in the entertainment industry, like K.
D.
Lang.
Who's she? I never heard of her.
Jodie Foster.
Ah sure she's finished.
What about that Ellen de Generes.
Oh, Ellen is right.
She went out with a girl a few years back a normal girl, a straight girl.
She was an actress.
And she took up with Ellen.
Never got a job after it, never.
It just doesn't make any sense to me, you know? I mean, she's absolutely beautiful Jade.
They're queuing up for her.
They've always been queuing up for Jade, you know? Although she didn't actually go out with any of them.
That's because you were over-protective of her, you practically bated them down the driveway.
Oh, what.
Now it's my fault, is it? I said, 'Would you consider taking Viagra?'.
And he said immediately that he would.
So initially I was delighted about that.
I said, 'Come on, let's get to it.
Because if the reports are anything to be believed, we'll be at it until the sun comes up.
'.
It didn't make any difference.
I mean, I eh I dressed up for the occasion, but sure I'd to put on a fleece after about half an hour, there was nothing happening.
I am not against gays.
I'm not.
I know a few.
I'm not against gays, ya know? But a girl? My Jade.
Lovely, beautiful, sparkly Jade.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm getting out of Africa, I am.
I mean, my compassion work.
I've had enough, yeah.
Africa is full of do-gooders, it really is.
Do-gooders everywhere.
I was there when Africa was Africa.
It was a real challenge Oh, that's nice.
So I've had enough, and I'm coming home now.
I'm not giving up my compassionate work, I'm bringing it back home with me.
Graham can do humanitarian work in Ireland, because at least he pays his taxes here.
Let's not judge, they're wealth creators.
Anyway, so I'm back home.
Most of the time.
And eh, spending more time with Moya.
It's really great.
I even suggested we try a bit of monogamy.
He's only saying that because his prostate is giving him jip.
Not anymore.
My PSA profile is less than two.
Currently, I've got the arsehole of a 21 year old.
Since Jade came out, or whatever it is, she's delighted with herself, ya know? She's not the one who's suffering.
She's putting us through the mill.
She's off down in Kay and Noel's.
And she's poisoning little Edel's mind as well.
Edel's saying stuff like: 'Oh, everyone knew Jade was gay since the time she was 13.
' 'What are you talking about, stop it.
Stop that talk now!' 13, sure she was still playing with her Barbies at 13.
Jade is choosing this.
She's choosing to upset us.
She's choosing to cause friction in the house.
She's choosing to exacerbate things between meself and Kay which were always shaky anyway.
She's choosing to destroy our holliers to Portobanus.
She'll ruin her chances if this gets out.
Who is going to want to be with her after this? I can assure you Sylvia, most men would be turned on by the thought of two women making love together.
Carmel I just thought, face it Carmel.
Carmel! You're a dog! Stop it! Stop it Carmel, stop it! Stop it Carmel.
Stop putting yourself DOWN.
You're not a dog.
It's not your fault.
It's my fault Carmel.
It's my fault.
I-I-I I do not find you attractive, because I don't find anybody attractive.
I don't want to have sex with you, and I don't want to have sex with anybody.
LOUD SOBS.
It's not your fault.
I have no desire.
It's just the way I am.
I have no interest sexually, in anybody.
I'm sorry Carmel.
LOUD SOBS.
If that's the term for it, then yes.
I'm an asexual man.
WHIMPERING.
Ok.
As part of this reimagining of our lives, myself and Graham have had to admit a few things, haven't we? Yes we have, I'm afraid.
And one of those things is, that neither one of us is any good at discipline.
Well I mean, you know, we've tried, haven't we? But we're just too nice.
We're terrible.
We love the children so much, too much, almost.
I mean not But you know.
So we said, ok.
We're going to have to delegate.
So, boarding school.
I mean it was sudden, yes.
We made the decision Wednesday They were in by Friday.
There's NO comparison whatsoever between this place and my boarding school.
This place is like a bloody 5 star hotel.
It's beautiful.
I mean, it's not bloody cheap either.
Ten grand a term, not much change out of.
Please forgive me.
I don't know what I am.
Well there's just me, and Graham, and the trips at home.
Isn't it? Yeah.
They're so cute.
Orwell, Virgil and Setanta.
Caesar! Oh sorry! You have to trust him to discipline them, no way.
Can't even remember their names.
Well, they all look the same.
Bad Daddy! Stupid Daddy! GIGGLES.
MAKES MONKEY NOISE.
SOBBING.
If you want to take a lover, you can.
You can take a lover, that's fine.
Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I'm out at badminton.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) We will fight this, with every last breath in our bodies.
Won't we Dudley.
That's right.
I want my Dudley, to walk our daughter down the aisle.
I want her to have the career she's supposed to have, and I want her to have our grandchildren for us.
And I want her to do it with a bloke.
I just HAVE to check the phone.
I've got calls and it's Day 2 of the business, I can't NOT be there.
Well anyway, we just wanted to say a few words.
Graham, you tell her.
Yeah, ok, on behalf of Moya and myself, I want to say Oh my God, I've got two orders.
Oh, super.
Way to go, yah-yah.
That's great.
Anyway, myself and Graham PHONE RINGS have found the therapy great, haven't we? Ah yeah, great.
PHONE RINGS.
PHONE RINGS LOUDER.
And the other thing is Oh just leave it.
The other thing is, that we are, renewing our wedding vows at our place in Tuscany Hello? We wanted to ask you, you know, when he gets off the phone! Can you speak up a bit? If you would like to come along? Take a lover? What is this? It's not a French novel.
I mean, HOW am I going to find a LOVER? I mean, I know from poor Carmel Downey's experience, that dating in your fifties It's CARNAGE out there.
I mean, all that's left are freaks and losers.
I'm never going to find anybody.
I want to have a sexual relationship with my husband.
IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.
Coming here to therapy has taught me that with openness, with honesty, with clarity and with listening, that it is possible to move on from anything.
We do not come from a gold-plated silver spoon type of background.
We have fought for everything we have.
And we will fight for our Jade.
To the death.
That Tamara one doesn't know what she's taken on with us.
You do not take on Sylvia and Dudley Gibbons.
No.
No way.
Erm, trouble at the school I'm afraid.
What? Apparently Trixie's tried to burn down the gym.
Oh God, they've fire extinguishers, don't they? So are you going to come to the wedding? Listen.
You can analyze the other couples, and they wouldn't even know.
Oh my God, she'd have her work cut out for her there! It'd be a right laugh.
You wouldn't have to put your hand in your pocket.
I mean, think about it.
The kids are going to be there.
Except Dargan.
But, ok.
So.
Well, that's us, isn't it? All done.
Toodle pip.
Ciao.
Well the door The door to our marriage is open.
If you want me to go, then I'll go.
Oh! So you're going to leave me now, Brendan? I'm not going to leave you, I'm just offering to.
So maybe you'll be free to live your life and maybe you can find happiness, with someone else.
NO! I know we've gone 5 minutes over the time.
But I've just been told my husband is never going to have sex with me.
And what? We're supposed to just walk out into the rest of our barren lives? SOBS.
We'll work it out Carmel.
We will.
Would you like to go for a carvery? Fennelly's or Cassidy's, you pick.
Fennelly's.
Thank you.
LOUD SOBS.
Thank you Carmel.
Let's go.
I'm starving.
MUSIC