Outsourced (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

All right, brother.
Hey, man.
Good morning.
[screams.]
Oh, rajiv, it's not a real spider.
Not anymore.
I must find the eggs.
Rajiv, it's a joke.
It's a Halloween novelty we sell.
- Look.
- [screams.]
I thought this was the holiday where you give out candy.
Yeah, but scaring people Is also a big part of the fun too.
Maybe I should have explained this before [screams.]
[growls.]
[screams.]
Oh! Ugh! Ooh! [grunting.]
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop.
Charlie, charlie, are you all right? Friend.
[traditional indian music.]
Hello.
Okay, thank you very much, please.
Good-bye.
So if somebody buys the sexy devil costume, You could suggest they buy a - All: Pitchfork.
- Great.
All right.
Ooh.
Here's a tough one.
If they buy the naughty schoolgirl costume, You could suggest - They give me a call.
- Ah.
- [laughs.]
- that was good.
I feel bad for the naughty schoolgirl.
She's been held back for so many years, Her school uniform doesn't fit her anymore.
- [tsking.]
- hey, todd.
Look at officer busted.
Oh, yeah.
If she patted me down, There'd be no concealing my weapon.
I thought this was a holiday for children.
Well, the candy part of it is, But the adults have costume parties.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
You get to wear a mask, and, for one night, You can be anyone you want.
Oh, I used to throw this amazing Halloween party.
And what was your costume? Ooh, last year, I wore a big box with a bow on my head And a card that said, "to women, from god.
" 'cause I was god's gift to women.
Which god? Oh, you're not really getting this.
I wish you could have been there.
You know what, just 'cause I'm in india Doesn't mean I can't throw my Halloween party.
I could do it here.
This party is gonna be awesome.
Count me in, brother.
And we could throw the party at my apartment.
Actually, gupta, in my corporate housing, They have a party room with a bar.
Oh, we have bars on the windows at my place.
You know what, we'll use your place as a backup.
- How's that sound? - Okay.
But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity For me to throw a party.
My entire family will be out of town At my cousin's wedding in delhi.
Why aren't you going? If someone doesn't stay behind, Squatters will overtake our apartment.
That's not true, is it? Oh, yes, we got our apartment when the previous family Went to a funeral.
Wait.
Who's home right now? Uh-oh.
I got it all figured out.
I'll be in the bathtub, covered with blood, Holding a chainsaw.
I heard nothing.
I heard nothing.
Oh, no, no, we're just planning the Halloween party.
Anyway, I'll hide behind the shower curtain Till someone comes in to use the toilet.
I'll let 'em start, But I won't let 'em finish.
Charlie, do you not remember the broom to the head? Dude, there's no learning curve with you.
All right, but it's pretty funny.
You ever seen a guy try to run and pee at the same time? Body's got to make a choice.
Man, your Halloween tradition is even stranger Than the one with the homosexual burglar Who steals children's teeth.
Are you talking about the tooth fairy? Todd, that is an offensive term.
I got it.
We start a small fire, Then we block all the exits but one.
And I'm standing in that doorway, Covered in blood, holding a chainsaw.
I got to be honest.
I already bought a chainsaw.
Look, charlie, I want people to have fun at this party.
You know, drink and dance and who knows? - Maybe even hook up? - Now you're talking, man.
[laughter.]
A-ha.
Now I see what this party's about.
What? You're trying to hook up with asha.
No, I just want her To see me outside of work.
He does.
And what's wrong if we have a good time Together? I know what's a good time.
Getting a lady back to your room, Turning the lights down low, Starting to do the deed, And then I jump out of the closet with a chainsaw.
Body's got to make a choice.
This looks like trouble.
Oh, we're just planning our Halloween party For the weekend.
Can you make it? Well, I've got some girlfriends in town.
Do you mind if I bring them along? - They're air hostesses.
- Yes.
Yes.
Bring them.
Bring them.
I'm going over your head on this one.
No, yeah, flight attendants sound great.
Uh, one thing, though.
Some of my workers are kind of modest, So the costumes shouldn't be too Right.
Modest.
So I'm guessing underwear is mandatory.
- Listen to your body.
- Do what feels right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hello, jerry.
Todd-o, what's up? Uh, jerry, all I see is feet.
- What's going on? - Hey, there.
Can you tip this thing up for me? Hey, hey, aloha.
- Are you getting a massage? - Oh, yeah.
takes its toll, buddy.
I'm on a corporate retreat in hawaii, Trying to find ways to save the company money.
Oh.
I was-- I was calling to see If maybe the company could kick in For a Halloween party.
But if things are tight, then We're all cutting back.
You know that.
Mm.
As a matter of fact, we can't keep you In that pricey corporate housing.
- That's done.
- What? Yeah, you're gonna have to find someplace cheaper By the end of the week.
I believe I can be of assistance In helping mr.
Dempsey find appropriate accommodations.
Saving the company money is a passion of mine.
I was the one who suggested we make Saturday "Friday part two.
" Wait, so let me get this straight, So you have enough money to go on a corporate retreat In hawaii, but not to have a roof over my head? I didn't say no roof, todd.
I said cheaper roof.
Come on, we're all making--uh! [laughs.]
sacrifices, buddy.
Okay.
Hey, we got to wrap this up, todd.
She's telling me to turn it over.
Wish me luck.
[grunts.]
[sighs.]
So I keep a lot of tension up here In my inner thigh.
Uh, sorry, guys, But looks like we're not gonna be having the party at my place.
Backup plan becomes plan.
Attention, everybody.
Todd's Halloween party has been moved To my apartment.
Manmeet.
Manmeet, will you be there? I'll be there as the invisible man.
[chuckling.]
you'll be th That's not nice.
Not only does the boarding house cost less than a hotel, But at auntie-ji's, your laundry will be done And all your meals are included.
- Really? - Yes.
And all my meals are home-cooked, Made with love and filtered water.
Santosh! So this would be like my living room? Yes.
This is the common room.
This house has been in my family for generations.
Someday, it will go to my children.
Oh, that's great.
You know, my family doesn't really have anything to pass on.
Well, every other generation, somebody's born With an extra toe, but Sir, you will not find better accommodations than this-- Meals, laundry, doorman, and a servant.
Well, that's okay.
I don't really need a servant.
You'd be surprised how handy they are.
Rajiv.
Thank you.
Look, I'm not really a servant kind of guy.
In that case, santosh, you're fired.
Tell your children their bellies are empty Because mr.
Dempsey isn't a servant kind of guy.
Whoa.
Whoa, nobody's getting fired here.
Look, if servant's part of the deal, I'll roll with it.
Don't worry about me, all right? I'm pretty low maintenance.
Maybe a little laundry, tops.
You don't wash the stuff in, like, the river, right? Slap the clothes against a rock? You know what, we'll talk.
So do I have a new tenant? Yeah, I think you do.
Wonderful, sir.
Living here is much smarter Than getting swindled by some corporate housing.
[speaking in hindi.]
[speaking in hindi.]
Please.
[continues in hindi.]
[laughter.]
[laughter continues.]
I'll take 50 of those And 50 of those.
I'm hosting an american Halloween party.
The holiday is very candy-centric.
Gupta.
Todd, my Halloween party's gonna be so authentic.
My neighbor's baby has colic, So there will be horrible screams all night long.
Yeah, about that, I found a new place to stay, So I can host the party again.
I'm sorry, but the wheels are in motion.
People have their hearts set on a gupta party, And I will not disappoint them.
Party's yours.
Pay the man.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Hey.
Sooo The Halloween party's back on.
I'm doing it at my boarding house.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
And you're coming, right? I don't know if I should.
I'm starting an arranged marriage.
I should be looking at the resumes of potential husbands.
So you don't even know the guy yet.
Come on.
You can go to a party.
I know.
I'd like to, but My parents, they're getting impatient.
Your parents? Come on, you're a grown woman.
And if you don't come, You don't get to see me dance.
Wa-choo! Wa-cha.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Is this a risk you're willing to take? Stop.
People are eating.
I can't stop.
I gotta keep going.
Can you get my tray for me? * I keep stalling and keeping it together * * people around got to find something to say now * * holding back, every day the same * * don't want to be a loner * * listen to me, oh, no * * I never say anything at all * * but with nothing to consider * * they forget my name-a-ame * * they call me hell * - * they call me stacy * - ooh, coconuts.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Why are you still in your nightclothes? Did you oversleep? No, man, I'm hugh hefner.
The guy that started playboy.
Oh, cool, 'cause one thing indian women love, It's pornographers.
Oh.
So what do you think? Uh, you're an indian slaughter house.
I'm a chick magnet.
Oh, yes, right.
Ah, chicken monger.
Good costume.
- I'm a chick magnet.
- Oh.
What are you? Isn't it obvious? I am a wealthy american businessman.
Gupta, that's a pimp costume.
A what? A prostitute wrangler.
No, I am a businessman who enjoys the finer things in life.
Like jewelry and gold teeth.
Yeah, you're right.
Most american businessmen carry a walking staff That says, "bitch, where's my money?" [laughs.]
pay me, bitch.
Oh.
So your costume is Come on.
Saffron, cardamom.
I'm a spice rack.
Oh.
So technically you should be mounted in the kitchen.
Well, let a girl get a drink first.
[laughter.]
- Nice hat.
- Sorry, I was pulled in By the chick magnet.
Excuse me.
* are you * * I put my lovin' on the line for you, lady * * but my spirits were low * Redundant.
Hey.
Jell-o shot for the king of pop? - Yeah.
- Nice.
Rajiv.
Surprised to see you.
You don't see me.
I'm in costume.
As what? I'm you, todd dempsey.
"is this safe to eat? "where's football? "where can I get that toilet paper That has the lotion in it?" Okay.
Very funny.
"I comb my hair to make it appear As if I didn't comb my hair.
" All right, you got me.
I can't do it.
I just blew it.
- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? The naughty nurse came to me, but I froze.
My costume worked, but my lips did not.
- What's the problem? - What's the problem? Okay, that's enough.
A little bit goes a long way.
That's what I feel About the real todd too.
I don't get it, manmeet.
You flirt with women all day on the phone.
This is different, man, you know.
Up close.
Hair.
Eyes.
Stomach, todd.
You know what, I've got an idea.
You are so cute.
I might need to make a house call.
Where are you? I'm in your dreams, your heart, And just behind the punch bowl.
- Hey.
- [giggles.]
No, no, no, that's close enough.
[phoenix's lisztomania.]
* ooh, this is showtime * * this is showtime, this is showtime * * ooh, this is showtime, this is showtime * * this is showtime * * time * Wow.
You look like a million bucks.
Which, at 40 rupees to the dollar Never mind.
You look great.
Are you hugh hefner? No.
No, of course not.
I'm just a sleepy guy who got locked out of his house With a pipe.
I'm not offended by playboy.
Well, in that case, I'd like to feature you In my girls of the ganges issue.
[laughter.]
I thought you had to go through a bunch Of husband applications.
- That's asha's problem.
- Oh.
And tonight I am cleopatra.
- Oh.
- You want to dance With the queen of egypt? You bet your asp.
* from a mess to the masses * * lisztomania * * think less but see it grow * * like a riot, like a riot, oh * * discuss, discuss, discuss * * discuss, discuss, discouraged * [she's gone.]
* everybody's high on consolation * * everybody's trying to tell me * * what is right for me, yeah * * I need a drink and a quick decision * * now it's up to me * * ooh * * what will be * * she's gone, she's gone * * oh, I, oh, I * * I better learn how to face it * * she's gone, she's gone * * oh, I, oh, I * * I'd pay the devil to replace her * * she's gone, she's gone * * oh, I whimp--whimper * * get up in the morning * * and look in the mirror * * I'm worn as the toothbrush * * hanging in the stand * This is a ripper of a party, mate.
- Ha.
- Sorry, my aussie slips out When I have a little drink.
Yeah, a little slipped out - When you were dancing too.
- Oh! You know, there's one spice that I am missing, though.
Sugar.
No, asha.
* and when you feel you can't go on * * I'll come and * Time to die.
[screaming.]
No! You die first.
[screams.]
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
Have you seen asha this morning? No.
No, I haven't.
Hey, todd, the party was amazing, man.
I talked to the naughty nurse all night on the phone.
Then we went outside together, just us.
Yeah, and? I think we-- what is considered Getting to first base in america? - Kissing.
- Oh, then no.
I held her hair while she vomited.
What's the matter, man? Well, I went to get asha a drink, - And then tonya kissed me.
- [gasps.]
Todd's on first! It's only a matter of time before you get to second base And live happily ever after.
What do you think second base is? Getting married.
Then what's third base and home? I don't know.
Cricket only has two bases.
The thing is, asha saw tonya kiss me, And that's why she left.
That's not why she left.
Madhuri.
I didn't know you were there.
Story of my life.
Wait, what are you talking about? You weren't even at the party.
Yes, I was.
I was in the corner dressed as a lampshade.
And auntie-ji came up to asha and started talking to her.
Asha? That's quite a costume you have there.
Thank you.
As it happens, I am friends with the doshis, Who know your parents.
Said your family has begun to arrange your marriage.
Oh, yes, I'm looking forward to it.
Then perhaps you shouldn't be at a party Dressed like that, pressing up against another man.
If word got around, it would bring shame To your family.
And that's why she left.
Why doesn't auntie-ji just mind her own business? Hey, did you know american dating has four bases? Yes.
I was right here when he said it.
Oh, yeah.
If no one is going to notice me, I should just take longer breaks.
Ooh.
Asha.
Hey.
Hey.
[laughs.]
Look, I heard what auntie-ji said to you, And she was completely out of line.
- Todd, don't worry about it.
- No.
No.
Whatever is between us is between us.
So what do you think is between us? Todd, this really isn't the place.
All right, come here.
Todd, I think you're my boss, And I'm supposed to be getting married soon.
Yeah, supposed to get married soon.
Maybe you should talk to cleopatra about this.
'cause I think she's into me.
Maybe she is, because she's making asha's life Really difficult.
Todd, this marriage, it was planned A long time before I met you.
Yeah, well, you did meet me.
[exhales.]
I never want to forget this moment.
What's the name of this shop? Subashish balasubramanium emporium.
Right.
The emporium.
Sir, would you check these numbers? [gasps.]
Trick or treat.
I got you back.
That was a real spider, rajiv.
- That's how I do it.
- Wait, where'd it go? Where did it go? - Where did it go? - Workers, I need you to look on the floor for a spider.
It also jumps, so check your desks.
Do not panic.
It's only deadly if you're an infant.
Uh-oh.
It might be deadly for you.
- Hey.
- [screams.]
So what happens next week? Zap! [indian music.]
Oh, I can't wait.