Parks and Recreation s01e06 Episode Script

This is very exciting.
We are at Saint Joseph's Medical Center because, today, Andy Dwyer is getting his casts off.
It is a great day for Andy, and it's a wonderful day for my subcommittee.
Oh, my God.
Your boobs are dead.
Stop it.
No, they're not.
Yeah.
Yay! Wow, it's like a sweaty pinata.
Hey, my iPod! Oh, yeah! My pirate! Doctor, if I may, could I keep that cast, please? It's a highly disgusting request, but I don't see why not.
Thank you.
This is a symbol of new beginnings, a symbol of hope, and of our project.
We will build this park! It is gonna feel so good to walk again, finally.
Easy! Oh, no! Oh, my Oh, no! Yeah, they might be a little weak at first.
Thank you, guys.
Welcome back into the world of walking, Andy.
Yes.
I just wanted to say Quiet, everyone! Ann wants to say something.
I wanted to thank you all for being so supportive.
When Andy fell in the pit, I didn't expect anyone in government to reach out to us.
So, thanks.
You're welcome.
Hey, you're welcome, Ann.
Babe, when are you gonna tell them about my show? Oh, yeah, sorry.
Andy's band is playing a show.
And we want you all to come.
It's gonna be a party, so check your suits at the door.
It's gonna get crazy.
Andy's band is really good, and it's been driving him nuts that he can't play.
He's been writing all these songs about things that are physically near him.
Sandwich! Are you turkey or ham? Ham.
Lamp! Wish you were a lamp that would light up when you get touched What kind of music does your band play? You know, I don't really like to define it, but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray.
So, rock.
Well, again, I don't really like to define it.
I totally get what you mean.
So, I would love to come to this thing.
When is it? Tonight at 8:00.
No! Tonight? Yeah.
I can't go.
Why not? My mom set up this meeting.
It's like a political tête-à-tête with a local bigwig.
Leslie, you're not gonna go? Come on! Oh, you guys.
You know how I love mixing work into my personal life.
This guy is important, and he has valuable information that could help us build a park.
But I wanna go to the concert! Come on! Play hooky! Blow off the meeting.
Oh, I wanna go to that concert so bad, but I have to go to the meeting.
I have to go.
But I'll meet up with you guys after the tête-à-tête, I promise.
Hey, Mark, congratulations.
Oh.
Thanks, Nate.
For what? You got that speed bump thing taken care of.
Finally.
Nice work.
Oh, yeah.
Yay.
There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town.
It was insane.
So, I decided I wanted to do something about it, and I got it lowered 2 inches.
Apparently, what I can achieve in government can literally be measured.
Hey, Dr.
Harris.
Andy's playing a show tonight, and we'd love it if you came by.
I think there's gonna be a good turnout at Andy's show tonight.
He wrote this new song about what happened to him called The Pit.
It's one of those rare songs that rocks really hard, and also informs people about a small public works project.
So, Andy's doing well? Yeah, he's a little shaky still, but that's to be expected.
Well, not really.
If he had his casts removed two weeks ago, the muscles wouldn't have atrophied so much.
I'm sorry, two weeks ago? That's when they were scheduled to come off.
But he told me that you told him he should wait.
No.
He rescheduled.
Said it was personal, that he'd explain later, but then he never explained.
I have waited on him hand and foot for two months.
Well, I guess that explains it.
AND Y Hey, what's up, people of Pawnee? All right! All right.
Uh In just a minute, Scarecrow Boat is gonna rock it out.
Please be patient while we rock out the equipment setup.
AND Y The band has had a few different names over the years.
We started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat.
Uh.
Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes with Orange, then Everything Rhymes with Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Hand Rail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Three Skin Jet Black Pope, we went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat.
God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.
Now, you know that we're gonna be building a park on a residential lot, so, of course we're gonna have to get the zoning codes approved and amended by our city council.
What kind of movies do you like? Huh? Uh.
Well, you know, documentaries, political thrillers.
I like all kinds of movies.
Great.
So, I brought some pictures of the lot, and you can tell that the houses are very close to it.
How difficult is re-zoning in your town? Could you go into detail a little bit about that? Sure.
Great.
It's refreshing to be with someone who actually likes talking about government issues.
Most of the women I go out with find it boring.
Well, you know, you have to have zoning codes, or else the whole thing could be chaos.
Your mother mentioned that you don't date much.
What? I've been focusing on my career.
Why do you ask? I haven't been dating much either since my divorce.
It hasn't been easy.
And I'm coping, but it was tough on the kids.
Not my kids, 'cause they're grown-up, but it was tough on their kids.
Shouldn't bring up my divorce on a first date.
But I feel I can tell you anything.
Uh I think it's going quite well.
And she looks like a young Sandy Duncan.
Hi, Mom.
He thinks we're on a date.
Did you tell him we were on a date? MARLENE Honey, if I told you it was a date, you never would've gone.
You're not getting any younger.
Well, neither is he.
And he's 62 years old.
Oh.
Just go back in there and finish the dinner.
You don't have to have sex with him if you don't want to.
What? Are you crazy? Hi, how are you? Hey, Parks Department.
Hey, Mark.
This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better-looking sister.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You guys are together? Yup.
My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me.
Then we divorced.
Then last week, I ran into her sister Beth here.
Turns out she hates Tammy, too, so we've started dating.
It's like a fairy tale.
Yeah, Tammy stinks.
Brendanawicz! Hey, Tom.
Hey.
I want you to meet my wife.
Hi.
I'm Wendy Haverford.
Hi.
You're Tom's wife.
Don't hold it against me.
Look at how hot she is.
Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon.
She makes a ton of money! Bam! This is Derek.
Cool.
How long have you guys been dating? We're just friends.
He's like the gayest person I've ever met.
But I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
You know, if you don't wanna talk to me, you can just say so.
I don't wanna talk to you.
Apparently, tonight, I'm the Parks Department's seventh wheel.
This is my oldest son.
He's a very no-nonsense person like yourself.
And this is my youngest.
He's about your age.
Terrific.
So, did you give any more thought to those zoning code questions I asked you? Oh.
Come on, enough business.
Let's have some fun! Try some of my chicken.
Oh, no.
That's okay.
Just a taste.
Have a little taste of chicken! Just a bit! Just a taste! Chicken, chicken, chicken! Mmm.
Delicious, right? Mmm-hmm.
I really like this restaurant.
Yeah.
It's a great place for a business meeting.
Andy.
Andy.
We need to talk.
Babe, hey.
We're just about to start.
Could you grab me a triple whiskey water? You would like that, wouldn't you? Yep.
You have two perfectly good legs.
Get it yourself.
All right.
Hey, guys! Thanks for coming out.
We're Scarecrow Boat.
This first song is called Menace Ball.
Two, three, four I know you been changing But I been changing, too You say that you've moved on Thank you.
What kind of movies do you like? You already asked me that.
Oh.
Sorry.
Senior moment.
Hey, am I keeping you from something? No, no.
Yes.
My friend Andy is playing in a band tonight, and I kind of wanted to go.
Well, if you want to go to the rock show, I don't mind.
Really? Are you sure? Sure! I haven't been to a rock show in a long time.
The last rock show I went to was the Everly Brothers.
Hmm.
You like the Everly Brothers? They're my favorite rock group.
They're so good.
I am getting very positive signals.
You and me together You and me forever You and me together forever Together forever All right, take five, guys.
I'm gonna go acoustic.
This next song is dedicated to her, my girlfriend, Ann.
I call it Ann.
Ann Hey, the band's really good.
I liked that song Grapple Hound.
Gossip Town? Right.
My only criticism, I hate the name of the band.
Yeah, they should change their name to Big, Lying Baby.
Or Where's My Sandwich? Or Don't Forget To Bring Home Beers After Work.
Okay.
Since you brought it up, I'm just gonna say it.
I don't get you and I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me.
I mean, I like Andy a lot.
But there's tons of guys out there who have jobs and who respect you and think you're attractive.
Really? Oh, yeah.
You mean guys like you No! for instance? No, no, no, no, no, not me.
Oh.
Okay.
Good, 'cause, for a second there, I thought you were hitting on me in front of my boyfriend.
No! Not my style.
Even though you did just call him a big, lying baby.
And I do find you attractive.
So, you are hitting on me.
No.
I'm not.
I promise you.
But if I were, would you be interested? No.
Okay.
Let me tell you why, because I'm in a crappy mood, and I don't really appreciate what's happening right here.
Number one, you've never been in a relationship that's lasted longer than a week.
Number two, the girls That's fine.
Just you do choose to spend the week with That's enough.
That's enough.
Look, I was not trying to ask you out, I promise.
Well, I'm glad we avoided that.
Pit! I fell in it, the pit You fell in it, the pit We all fell in it, the pit Pit! I fell in it, the pit You fell in it, the pit We all fell in that pit Thank you very much, everybody! We are Scarecrow Boat! No! Screw it! We are Mouse Rat! Thank you very much! Good night! Damn it.
I missed it? Leslie! Who's your friend? I'm George.
I'm Leslie's date.
Yes.
He's my date.
George Gernway.
He's the City Manager in Eagleton.
Hi, George Gernway.
I'm Tom Haverford.
This is my wife, Wendy.
She's my age.
Hi.
Hello.
AND Y I have no idea why Ann is upset with me.
But I do know she's too nice to yell at me in front of all these people.
So, I am not leaving this bar.
So, I heard you went to Indiana State.
Yes.
My buddy Todd went there.
Maybe you know him.
What year did you graduate? Oh! Todd graduated in 2005, so you probably missed him.
How was your date with Leslie? We change the band name, and then we send the demo out.
We're completely ready Andy, let's go.
Honey, I'm just debriefing with the band.
It's just gonna be just one second.
Hey! Hi! Whoa! Leslie Knope! I'm so glad you made it.
You have to meet my band.
Okay.
Hi, band! Hey.
What's going on? Oh.
I'm so sorry that I missed your songs.
Is there any way that you guys could do like an encore or something? An encore.
I like it.
Guys, let's get our stuff out of the boxes.
Let's go.
No, no, forget it.
No, we're going home.
No, don't leave.
I just got here.
Yeah, she's here with her dad.
It'd be kind of rude to not do at least one more song.
Andy.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Sorry, Leslie.
We're gonna go.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
This weekend, guys.
Look.
Dead or asleep? Dead or asleep? George.
George! Oh.
Look at me, out like a light.
I think I should head home now.
Okay.
It was nice to meet you.
It was fun.
I had a nice time.
Don't think I'll go out with her again.
There was just no spark.
How did Leslie meet her boyfriend? She used to read him books at the senior center.
Wow.
How old is he? He's six, but he has Benjamin Button Disease.
Whoa.
Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree? I do! I do! Deputy Director Knope.
Where do you think you're going? Home.
It's been a really crappy night.
Have a beer with me.
I can't believe my mom tried to set me up with an 80-year-old man.
I went to dinner tonight with somebody's grandpa.
You know what? That guy was too young for you.
You should be dating guys in their early hundreds.
I'm telling you, you should be dating men that Al Roker announces their birthdays.
Hey! Congratulations are in order.
I heard that you got that speed bump thing through.
Don't make fun of me.
I'm not.
Oh, yeah.
I made a bump into a smaller bump.
It's a great day for America.
What are you talking about? That thing was a pain in the butt.
You fixed a problem.
That's what we're supposed to do.
Mark and I are really connecting tonight.
Like we connected that night when we made love five years ago.
There's actually a lot of similarities between those two nights.
That time we were also at a bar.
And he was also pretty drunk.
If you could put anything in the park, what would you put in there? Okay Don't over-think it.
Keep it simple, nice shady trees, lots of grass, benches.
A picnic table? Sure.
Water feature.
Like, huge rocks to be climbing on.
A play area for the kids.
God, that sounds wonderful.
I would live in that park.
But then you'd be homeless.
Hey, we're closing up.
Oh.
What time is it? I should go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! We're getting drinks to go.
Come on.
Beers to go! Where are we going? All the bars are closed.
You think I can get my beer bottle in that shopping cart right there? What? Mark, don't.
This pit isn't a dump.
Yes, it is.
Look around, Leslie.
I mean, there's crap everywhere.
One beer bottle is not gonna make any difference.
Damn it! I was so close there! Yeah, so It was pretty close! So far to the left! So far to the left! You think you can do any better? No, please.
I don't want anyone to see! I'm the Deputy Director of Parks You're the Deputy Director of Parks and blah blah You know, nobody's gonna see it.
Go on and chuck it.
Unbelievable! That's unbelievable! You missed the entire pit, which is huge, by the way.
I didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong? Mmm-mmm.
I waited on you hand and foot.
And it was exhausting! I fed you meals, and you could've had your casts off two weeks ago! That is not true.
It's not true? So you're calling Dr.
Harris a liar? Yes.
I'm gonna call Dr.
Harris right now.
How about that? You call him! You get me on the phone with Dr.
Harris.
Yes.
Yes.
I will.
Don't call him right now! Why? Because it's late.
Listen, just put the phone down.
Fine! You want the truth? Yes.
Could I have gotten my casts off two weeks ago? Technically, yes.
But I really, really like it when you serve me food.
Get out.
Get out of my house.
But what Take a walk with your overly-healed legs, and let me think about this relationship.
Okay, this pit.
Give it to me straight.
Are we ever gonna turn it into a park? Leslie, this is already a park! Look, I mean, you got Dirt Slide over here, you got Ring Around The Diaper you could play there.
You've got Duck, Duck, Glass you could play right there.
Mystery Trash.
What's not to love about this park, right here, now? I wish we could turn it into a pit, frankly, don't you? But, seriously, I mean, really? Honestly, Leslie, it's gonna be a long, uphill battle.
You are gonna be super annoyed with all the people that want you to fail.
There is a sea of red tape, endless roadblocks.
So, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
Screw it.
I'm gonna try to do it anyway.
I mean, Kennedy put a man on the moon.
He did.
I can build one park.
I really admire your tenacity.
I really admire you.
No, no.
Wait, what am I doing? This isn't the way I want this to happen again.
Leslie, it's not that big a deal.
I think you should go home, Mark.
All right, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna get out of here.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's No.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mark, are you all right? Wow.
Are you okay? Oh, my God! Go get some help.
Help! Go get some help.
Help! Go get some help.
Help! Hey, babe! Baby, open up! That guy Mark just fell in the pit! What? You know that guy Mark? Yeah.
He just fell in the pit! You gotta go check it out.
You're a nurse.
I think he'd probably be hurt.
Seriously, it's pretty bad! Pit! I fell in it, the pit You fell in it, the pit We all fell in it, the pit The pit! I fell in it, the pit