Partners (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

What are we gonna do for the next two weeks without a secretary? We'll be fine, you know? I mean, how hard can it be to find a temp that does what Ro-Ro does? Listen, I love her, but she is the worst secretary in the world.
She gave me a phone message yesterday that was just a sketch of someone.
You think the other secretaries in the building are any better? Not better.
Justmore refined.
So, I'm on the Staten Island ferry, and, boy, am I feeling horny.
Then I walk up to this total fox, and I say, "I'm already pregnant, so I can't get pregnant.
You want in on this?" And he just walked away.
You're pregnant?! Babies having babies.
Aw, come on! What about me? Do I look like a baby? No, Lorraine, you look like a sexy toddler -- who needs to be spanked.
Yeah, yeah.
You want to hit it? You want to touch it? - I do, I do.
- I want it.
See, I could never get away with that.
Oh, it's only because I'm cute and charming.
It's because you're gay.
Boys.
- Nate.
- Jordy.
Listen, since we're new to the building, we're gonna be hosting a little open house, "Get to know you" lunch.
It's a potluck.
We will provide unlimited single-serving condiments.
Within reason.
All we ask is that you bring your appetites.
Andthe food.
Here -- pass these out.
Yeah, t-thank you for this.
These are going right on the corkboard.
Saw that.
Great.
We offended the doublemensch twins.
Do we like them or do we hate them? Yes.
Okay, boys.
I'll see you in two weeks.
What? You are leaving now? Hey.
Hold up.
Hee-haw.
Whoa.
We don't even know where you're going.
The island of Nunya.
Nunya? Where's Nunya? "Nunya business.
" Wait, wait, wait.
Where is that? Is it gay-friendly? Well, did you even hire a temp to fill in? Yeah.
Her name's Ifa.
- Ifa who? - "Ifa got.
" So, this is how you leave us, huh? No temp.
The office is a mess.
You are a terrible, terrible secretary.
Who's late for her flight to Nunya.
Oh, here.
Someone called for you.
No phone number and no last name.
Who's Nahtma? "Nahtma problem.
" No-no, don't -- don't do -- no, don't do it -- Hey.
Hey.
Hold up.
Hee-haw.
Whoa.
No, do not -- do not transfer me.
Because the last time you transferred me, I ended up getting disconne-- Hello? What was that? You want to hear irony? The temp agency hired a temp to answer the phones who keeps disconnecting me.
Right.
It's like when the lady doing your nails has bad nails.
If that's what helps you understand, then sure.
Well, fear not, because our temp troubles are over! What do you mean? Two words -- my boyfriend, Wyatt.
One word -- are you out of your mind? What? What are you talking about? It's a perfect solution! What are you talking about? Wyatt's a nurse.
He already has a job.
Great news -- he doesn't have a job.
The nurses union's on strike.
Thousands of people are out of work.
Many patients might die.
This is win-win for us.
No, no, no.
It's not a win-win, okay? We can't hire your boyfriend to work for us, all right? I'll never feel comfortable getting him to do stuff for me.
Why not? I would be comfortable asking Ali to do stuff for me.
You'd be comfortable getting Stephen Hawking to do stuff for you.
Besides, it's gonna be a nightmare for you.
This is not a nightmare.
No, it's not a nightmare for me.
I am helping the man I love.
And this way, he doesn't have to sit around at home during the nurses strike.
And frankly, the idea of banging my secretary is absolutely alluring.
But I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Familiarity breeds contempt, Louis.
Oh, you don't even know what that means.
Uh, I know exactly what that means.
Okay, then tell me.
It means he's gonna annoy you, and you're not gonna be able to do anything about it, and I'm gonna end up cleaning up your mess.
Yeah -- win-win.
T-That's not a -- you don't understand what "win-win" means.
- I know what "win-win" means.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do! Of course I -- - No, you clearly don't.
Yes, I do.
Win-win.
Win-win! Yay! Win-win! Right, yeah, that's a "win-win," But our situation is a lose-lose.
- A what? No! - It's a "lose-lose.
" This is a "win-win," and this is "lose-lose.
" Oh, look -- I just got an e-mail from the future telling me it's a lose-lose.
I got that bit from you? I've been doing that everywhere.
- It's a good bit.
- It's a really good bit.
I love it.
Yeah, it's funny.
Well, look, we're not hiring Wyatt.
End of story.
Fine.
Fine! See, this is why I ran it past you first.
Thank you.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Let me get you some coffee.
Oh, my God.
I just got an e-mail from the future.
We hired Wyatt.
I so need this today.
I am crazy stressed out.
Do I look terrible? Li'l bit.
Li'l bit.
You don't say that.
You're supposed to tell me I look great.
No, that's what your fiance is for.
Until you get a sassy black friend, the gay friend tells it like it is.
What's wrong, beautiful? I'm hosting a party at my store next Wednesday night to debut my spring collection, and I am totally not prepared.
You know what? I can't be here.
I should be pacing around the store frantically doing absolutely nothing.
All right, all right.
Calm down, Sarah Stressica Parker.
Well, I have to do more than just get the store together.
I have to pick the music.
I've got to serve drinks and appetizers.
You're making way too big a deal out of this.
It's very easy to put together a fete.
A fete? Now I'm putting together a fete? Who said anything about a fete? You're freaking me out, man! Okay.
All right.
Listen, I got it.
Two words -- Cater-waiter.
That's actually a hyphenate, but I like saying "Two words" and then the thing.
Okay, well, where am I gonna find a cater-waiter who's gonna work for the money I can afford to pay? Hey! Anybody here an unemployed actor? Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe.
But he doesn't know it yet.
Hi, Jerome.
This little lady with the delicious tushy needs you to cater-waiter for her on Wednesday.
Oh, I don't think I can.
-- I have an audition for a "CSI: New york" that shoots next week.
Oh, it's okay.
I got a text from the future.
You didn't get it.
You don't know that, Louis.
I'll tell you what -- If the universe turns out to be totally unjust, will you work for $9 an hour and all the spring rolls you can stick into your fanny pack? Sure.
Fete a completed! Oh.
Look at this place.
Were we robbed? Hey, bosses.
May I take your coats? Uh, yeah, I-I guess.
All right.
Oh.
All right.
Well, that's okay.
Thank you.
What happened to my desk? AndWhat are all those wood spots on it? I just did a little housekeeping.
I organized your projects into "Pending" and "Active," your phone messages into "Awaiting response" and "Returned," and your invention ideas into "Already invented" and "Bad idea.
" Thank you! Maybe he should make a file called "win-win.
" Take it easy.
He cleaned a desk.
All right, gentlemen, have you thought about today's lunch? You kidding -- I thought about today's lunch when I was finishing yesterday's lunch.
Well, there's a great Korean barbecue around the corner, if that sounds good.
Uh, you know what? I'll get it, Wyatt, man.
I kind of feel uncomfortable asking a friend to pick up my food.
When we're at the office, I'm your assistant.
Let me assist you.
Now, would you like some shabu shabu? I would.
I would.
I'll get the menu menu.
I'm gonna hit that.
I'll admit that five minutes into this, it isn't a disaster.
And in two weeks, when you admit that I was right, I think we should celebrate by going to Las Vegas.
We can stay at the Wynn Wynn.
Here you go, Joe.
And, Louis, I'll get a green salad for you.
Thank you.
Wait, wait -- green salad? I want shabu shabu.
It's fried beef and rice.
You told me you don't eat meat during the week.
Good catch.
I was testing you, and you passed.
Okay, uh, just get me some noodles with peanut sauce and anything fried.
I don't think so -- the other day, you were telling me you were getting a little belly.
And remember what you always say -- "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
" I say that to other people.
I'm a food bully.
You know that.
I'm sorry, Louis.
As long as I am in this office, I'm here to protect you from you.
Joe, I'll pick up your dry-cleaning when I get lunch.
See you in a jiffy.
You know what tastes better than skinny feels? Shabu shabu.
What's going on? Is someone having a birthday party? If there's a red velvet cake and no one told me about it, I'm gonna be very, very pissed off.
All right, Lorraine.
One last time, and then that's it.
- All right.
All right.
- Here we go.
Fly! Fly like an eagle! Go! I want to go again.
Sorry, guys.
Can't do it.
Got to get back to work.
My bosses are here.
Ladies.
You can jump into my arms if you want.
- It's okay.
- Nah, I'm good.
You are literally the most charming gay guy on the floor.
I don't even know who'd be second.
See you at the potluck, guys.
Did you want me to run out and grab you a red velvet cake? - Oh, that'd be nice.
- Yeah.
And I'll grab you a bunch of carrots.
You were right! OhMyGosh.
You will not believe what's going on at work.
This one lady on the floor, Roberta Hockman-Klein, She's pregnant with her third child.
She does not know who the father is.
I know who Roberta Hockman-Klein is.
I invented Roberta Hockman-Klein.
Well, did you hear that Nate and Jordy played this incredible practical joke on this annoying guy? I was there.
I'm the annoying guy.
Oh, yeah.
Gosh, I'm so used to telling you about my day when I get home, but now that we work at the same place, I guess it seems sort of redundant to you.
Thank you for understanding.
So, how was your day at work? Right.
I'm gonna go do 1,000 crunches and go to bed.
See you in bed.
And then tomorrow at work and tomorrow night in bed And the next day at work and the next night in bed.
Joe was right.
Wyatt's the most popular guy in the office, and it's killin' ya.
And you didn't invent me, schmuck! What? We think he's dreamy-y-y Y-y-y-y-y y-y-y-y-y.
This is all your fault! You know you're talking to a mirror, right? Win-win.
Shabu shabu.
We're closed! I got a lot on my plate, lady! I'm planning a fete! It's me! What was that for? I don't know.
Just feeli good, you know? I don't.
I really don't.
I'm so stressed out.
You know why? Cause you don't have the kind of help that I have at work.
No.
I don't.
The launch is tomorrow night, and the cater-waiter that Louis hired for me is still running lines for his "CSI" audition -- to play a corpse.
He's messing with me, right? Sounds like you got to get yourself a Wyatt.
He has been an absolute dream.
Having him there has eliminated 90% of my work-related stress.
So all that's left is your anxiety about using the unisex bathroom.
Well, Roberta Hockman-Klein jiggles the door handle no matter how many times I yell "I'm in here!" Anyway, Wyatt's been making me these protein shakes.
I feel so much stronger.
Here -- stay there.
I want to show you something.
W-- A-are you gonna try and do a backflip? Cause I'll just believe you.
No.
I want you to run at me, and I'm gonna catch you.
Honey, I'm not sure that's a good -- It's totally a good.
Come on.
Okay.
- Oh, my god! - Right? You understand that if I do well at this party, I could get my jewelry line into stores in Manhattan.
I mean, that's why I've been stressing out and putting so much pressure on myself.
It's like, it's so hard to -- Hey, Wyatt! Yes, Joe? You need something? Uh, yeah.
Did you happen to see the model for the Cary house? Oh, yeah.
I put it up here while I was dusting.
That's a shelf up there? We always thought of it as the place where the sky begins.
The place where the sky begins is god's front yard.
Must be a hell of a lawn to mow.
"Heck of a.
" Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of adding a few things to the model.
Oh.
What do you mean? Wait -- you touched the model? Hey, listen, man, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but -- You made people! That's Mr.
Cary in the study, his lovely wife, Joan, by the stove, and that is little Skylar.
He's asking god for a football.
How did you do this? Well, my mother only allowed us to play with toys we made ourselves.
I could make some pretty cool ones.
Hey! He made people! Yes, I know.
He makes toys.
He's delightful.
Wyatt, would you excuse us for a minute? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Oh, Louis.
I noticed someone was looking at inappropriate websites on your computer.
Don't worry -- I went ahead and blocked them.
Now, if they try to log on to them, I get an alert on my phone.
Thank you.
He's amazing.
He is.
He's so organized and creative and tall.
He touched the place where the sky begins.
I'm losing my mind! I'm seeing things in the mirror -- very unpleasant things.
Well, now, don't get an eye lift, Louis.
You know what happens when guys do that.
They end up looking like very alert ladies.
That's not what I'm talking about, Joe.
It's not working out with Wyatt here.
What's that, you say? I say it's not working out with wyatt here.
I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
Why didn't somebody warn me?! Boy, this is interesting, because I recall that someone did.
Who was that? 'twas a wise voice.
Yes, manly and wise.
Uh, was it Morgan Freeman? No.
Joe, Joe, look You have to fire him.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, I'm gonna fire him, because it's all my fault.
Joe, I can't-- I can't fire my boyfriend.
Unh-unh.
No way.
Please, Joe? Absolutely not.
Please? Please? I-I-I'm worried that this is going to cause permanent damage to my relationship with Wyatt.
Hey, do not put this on me, okay? I made it very clear in a wise, manly voice that this was not gonna work out, and you went ahead and you did it anyway.
So now it's your mess.
Now you got to clean it up.
No.
Don't hang your head.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but that's not gonna work on me, either.
What? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
You're doing the Claire Danes chin quiver.
If you think I'm gonna fall for that again Fine.
I'll do it.
Oh, thank you, Joe.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you! Thank you! Thank -- de-de-de-de -- you! I promise -- this will never happen again.
This, specifically.
You owe me for this.
I don't know when, I don't know where, but it will be big.
Then when it happens, it will be win-win! You really don't know what that means, do you? Oh, oh! Do me a favor -- let him down easy, okay? And leave my name out of it.
All right, just give me till the end of the day to figure out what the hell I'm gonna say to him.
Absolutely.
Thank you, buddy.
Take all the time you need.
Hey.
Louis said you wanted to see me right away? I thought Joe liked having me there.
And to have him fire me with no explanation? I'm shocked.
I would've thought he would've given you some reason that would give you closure -- complete, "No need for discussion" Closure.
I'm so sorry, hush puppy.
Well, it's not your fault.
No.
No.
This is pure Joe.
But it's okay.
You two will be okay again.
It's not about Joe.
Well, who's it about? Hush puppy? It's about you.
I like you.
I like being around you.
That's the saddest part about being fired.
I don't get to spend the whole day with my favorite person.
I mean, there's really nothing more important than that, is there? No.
There isn't.
Come on, fair-weather bitches.
Where's your input now? Honey, honey, calm down.
I can't calm down! My cater-waiter broke both his hands at his audition! Well, how'd he do that? He tripped on the stairs on the way to his audition.
Now I'm gonna have 30 people here at 5:00, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
What am I gonna do?! Uh, w-will it help if I came over and you jumped into my arms again? Hello? Hey.
I hope Wyatt was okay last night.
Man, I felt so bad.
Oh, he's fine.
Well, I mean, he was sad at first.
How could he not be? You betrayed him.
But I knew exactly how to handle the situation.
Good morning, sirs.
I'll put on a fresh pot of coffee and get the messages off voicemail.
Are you kidding me? I know! It's crazy.
It's crazy! But something incredible happened last night.
- What? - You're not gonna believe it! You told him the truth.
Yes! How did you know?! It's the only thing I wouldn't believe.
It was wonderful.
We had this -- this -- this great heart-to-heart, and I was open and honest.
It was the kind of conversation that you and I usually have -- except for how it ended, if you know what I mean.
- You apologized? - Yes! So, I think now we're at win-win! Mmnot yet.
You still owe me one, and I'm calling it in.
All right.
Whatever you need, buddy.
Hey, babe.
The launch is going really well.
Yeah, I think people really like the stuff.
But I hate that someone smushed an hors d'oeuvre into the good rug.
Oh.
Well, don't worry.
That's what the cater-waiter's here for.
Hey, buddy? What do you want? I'm in the weeds.
Do me a favor.
Clean up this mess.
And while you're at it, this Vodka Tonic isn't refilling itself.
And? And now you know the definition of