Pause with Sam Jay (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

One of the teams, they weren't
interested at the very end.
I was thinkin', "You're stickin'
with that mother--"
Anything you ever heard me say,
I didn't mistakenly say it.
When I'm on stage, something
inside of me wakes up.
But when I'm off stage,
I'm Scott.
You know I'm a completely
different person
than you see on the floor.
CHELSEA HANDLER:
I'm not here to answer
serious questions.
I know a lot of men
watch this show,
and I'm looking
for some post-COVID action.
I'LL GO HIGHER THAN HIM BU
LOWER THAN YOU.
TURN AROUND, LET ME SEE YOUR
BOOTY, BITCH.
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A UNCLE
THAT JUST GOT CLEANED UP OFF OF
DRUGS, BUT HE WANT TO LET Y'ALL
KNOW HE'S STILL CRAZY A LITTLE
BIT.
I THINK NIGGA CULTURE AND
AFRICAN CULTURE ARE TWO
DIFFERENT CULTURES.
THEY'RE NOT THE FOUNDER OF
NIGGAS, THEY'RE NOT REAL NIGGAS.
I'M A REAL NOVEMBER 6TH
SCORPIO.
LIKE, A GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME, I
CALLED HER MOMMA, AND I WAS
LIKE, "WHAT YOU DOING'?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER RIGH
NOW?"
Sam: SHE ANSWERED?
SHE WANT TO HEAR IT.
THAT'S THE SIGNAL.
YOU PICK UP, YOU WANT TO HEAR
WHAT I GOT TO SAY, BABY GIRL.
PLEASE STOP PLAYING WITH ME.
YO, IF YOU'RE SICK, OBAMACARE
MEANS I GOT YOU.
Sam: OH EFE, I'LL THROW YOU
OUT THIS FUCKING WINDOW.
DON'T COME IN HERE TRYING TO
DEFEND OBAMA.
Sam: I WILL BEAT YOU THE FUCK
UP.
BOO!
BOO, THIS NIGGA.
I AIN'T NEVER PAYING THA
CALL SHIT.
I GAVE NO, I DIDN'T EVEN VOTE.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NONE
OF THAT SHIT.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
"THIS IS JULIA WITH THE NEW
GEORGIA PROJECT ACTION FUND.
IT IS VITAL COUNTRIES TO --
PASS THE VOTE FOR ME"
ALL THIS CRACKER SHIT I'M LIKE
WHAT?
Sam: I VOTED FOR BIDEN THIS
YEAR, AND I FELT DISGUSTING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I FELT GROSS.
THE WHOLE PROCESS FELT FUCKING
DISGUSTING TO ME.
FELT USED, BRO.
Sam: I FELT USED.
I HATE DEMOCRATS, I HATE THE
WHOLE PLATFORM.
I THOUGHT THAT HIS WHOLE, LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW, "NIGGAS WILL NEVER
BE FREE, SO VOTE FOR ME" PLAN OR
WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS.
"IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME
YOU'RE NOT BLACK."
LIKE.
Sam: YEAH, ALL THAT SHIT WAS
CORNY AND I, I ALSO HATE THAT,
LIKE, NIGGAS ARE ALWAYS VOTING
FOR THEIR LIVES.
I FEEL LIKE THE PUSH VOTING.
WHEW, I'M GETTING MAD.
Sam: YEAH, TAKE THAT OFF.
THEY PUSH THE VOTING SHIT ON
NIGGAS, RIGHT, AND THEN THEY
PUSH THE AGENDA OF HOW YOU HAVE
TO VOTE, RIGHT?
AND THEY LITERALLY SET IT UP
LIKE, "YO, IF YOU BLACK AND YOU
DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD, VOTE
DEMOCRAT."
SO WE'RE ALWAYS IN THIS WILD
SITUATION WHERE WE'RE NOT EVEN
USING THE FUCKING PROCESS.
IT'S ALWAYS SURVIVAL MODE.
Sam: IT'S SURVIVAL MODE,
WE'RE NEVER EVEN PARTICIPATING
IN THE PROCESS.
IT'S OUR FAULT THOUGH.
Sam: I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S OUR
FAULT.
WE HAVE AN EXPECTATION THA
THE SYSTEM IS GONNA SAVE US.
NO WE DON'T.
WHAT?
Sam: IF YOU'RE STILL
PARTICIPATING IN IT, YOU DO
THOUGH.
IF YOU'RE PLAYING AND
PARTICIPATING IN IT, YES, I
AGREE.
BECAUSE, BECAUSE WE'RE IN
SURVIVAL MODE WHEN THE ELECTIONS
COME BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS
EXPECTATION THAT THE SYSTEM IS
GOING TO SAVE US.
WE DON'T SAVE OURSELVES AND WE
HAVE NO DEMANDS ON THE PEOPLE
WHO ARE IN ELECTED POSITIONS.
BUT HOW DO YOU DO IT WHEN
YOU'RE PUSHING UPHILL THE WAY
THAT BLACK PEOPLE GOT TO PUSH
UPHILL?
Sam: WE GOT TO STOP PUSHING
IN THE DIRECTION THEY WANT.
PUSH SIDEWAYS, PUSH AROUND THA
MOTHERFUCKER.
WE ALWAYS PUSHING
INDIVIDUALLY, NEVER AS A GROUP.
Sam: YES, AND AS A PERSON
WHO'S LIKE GETTING MONEY NOW AND
LIKE, SEEING MY SHIT COME
TOGETHER.
I'M STILL ALSO SEEING WHAT ALL
MY LIMITATIONS ARE, RIGHT?
THE MORE YOU GET UP THERE, THE
MORE YOU'RE SEEING HOW WHITE
PEOPLE GET TO MOVE, EVEN UP
HERE.
I'M TRYING TO BE LIKE BILL
GATES, NIGGA, AND JACKIE CHAN,
AND SAUDI PRINCES.
THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOU
NOTHING.
THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOU
HEALTHCARE, THEY DON'T THINK
ABOUT HEALTHCARE UNLESS THEY OWN
THE HEALTHCARE COMPANY.
EVEN WITH LUPUS, YOU FEEL
LIKE, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING
TV SHOW, YOU WORK YOUR ASS OFF,
ALL OF THAT SHIT AND THERE'S
STILL ROADBLOCKS.
Sam: BECAUSE IF I GET REALLY,
REALLY HELLA SICK, I'M NOT RICH
ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF IT.
SO I'M GONNA BE SICK AS FUCK IN
ATLANTA AND I'M ALMOST FUCKING
WAS DYING, BRO.
THE FIRST THING THEY TELL ME
WHEN I'M LIKE, "I NEED
HEALTHCARE," IS THEY'RE LIKE,
"YO, DO YOU GET FOOD STAMPS?"
I'M LIKE, NO, I DON'T FUCKING
GET FOOD STAMPS.
I CAN GET FOOD, WHAT THE FUCK
DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME
NEEDING HEALTHCARE?
IT'S LIKE WHAT FUCKING KIND OF
GAME ARE WE PLAYING?
THEN IT'S LIKE, "CAN YOU READ?"
AND IT'S LIKE BITCH, IF THE
CRITERIA TO GET THIS SHIT IS ME
NOT KNOWING HOW TO READ, THEN
FUCKING KILL ME.
I DON'T WANT THAT SHIT.
SO THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE LIVING
ABOVE ALL THIS.
THEY'RE LIVING ABOVE POLITICS,
THEY'RE LIVING ABOVE ALL THE
SYSTEMS, THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHO THE PRESIDENT IS, THEY DON'
GIVE A FUCK WHO'S ELECTED, THEIR
WHOLE LIVES AREN'T CHANGED WITH
THE STROKE OF A PEN.
THEIR LIVES AREN'T CHANGED BY
WHO'S IN OFFICE.
OR DEPENDENT ON IT.
Sam: AND I'M TRYING TO BE ON
THAT SHIT BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
THE FUCKING FREEDOM IS.
IT'S LIVING ABOVE THIS WHOLE
SHIT.
BECAUSE EVEN THIS POLITICS SHI
IS A GAME THAT THEY'RE GIVING TO
BROKE NIGGAS AND THEY'RE
WATCHING YOU PLAY.
WATCHING YOU PLAY.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE I DON'T WANT OBAMACARE
NIGGA, I WANT CHENEY CARE.
THAT NIGGA HAD SIX HEARTS.
HE WAS GETTING THE GREATES
HEARTS.
Sam: THE BEST HEART YOU COULD
GET.
I WANT THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.
Sam: I WANT THOSE BITCHES ALL
DAY.
Sam: THANK YOU FOR BEING
HERE, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU
COMING.
YOU DROVE IN FROM THE HAMPTONS?
YEAH.
Sam: WAS IT BAD?
WAS IT TERRIBLE?
NO, NO IT WAS OKAY.
Sam: YOU LIVE IN THE
HAMPTONS?
YEAH.
Sam: SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN PRACTICING MEDICINE IN THE
CONCIERGE OR LIKE IN THAT WORLD?
SURE, IN THAT WORLD.
ABOUT 10 YEARS OR SO.
Sam: DID YOU START THERE?
NO, NO.
I STARTED THINKING THAT I WAS
GOING TO BE A PHYSICIAN FOR ANY
CORPORATE MEDICINE LIKE HOSPITAL
OR PRIVATE PRACTICE.
I TRIED IT FOR A GOOD THREE,
FOUR YEARS AND IT JUST DIDN'T GO
WELL.
SO I REALIZED THAT I CAN BE
DOING THIS JUST TO PAY OFF DEB
OR ACTUALLY PRACTICE MEDICINE
THE WAY I WANT TO.
WHERE THERE ISN'T THE INSURANCE
COMPONENT TELLING ME WHAT I CAN
ORDER AND NOT ORDER.
THERE ISN'T A 9:00 TO 5:00 JOB
WHERE A PHYSICIAN CAN'T REALLY
BE DOING, LIKE, YOU KNOW
MONITORING PATIENTS THE WAY THEY
WANT TO.
SO, EVENTUALLY I JUST REALIZED,
IF I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
IN ANYONE'S LIVES, UNFORTUNATELY
IN TODAY'S WORLD, IT'S THE
CONCIERGE WAY.
Sam: ONCE YOU SAID IT, IT WAS
LIKE, DUH.
RIGHT?
IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS, BUT I
WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT BEING A
CONCIERGE DOCTOR AS FREEDOM.
PEOPLE THINK OF STUFF LIKE, "OH,
A CONCIERGE DOCTOR," YOUR
IMMEDIATE THOUGHT WOULD BE "OH,
SHE'S JUST CHASING MONEY."
MONEY, RIGHT.
Sam: YEAH, FOR SURE, SHE JUS
WANTS MONEY AND IT'S LIKE A
LITTLE SOULLESS.
DOCTORS ARE HEALERS AND THEY
SPEND A LOT OF TIME, ENERGY, AND
SACRIFICE FAMILY TIME TO PROVIDE
MEDICAL CARE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT WE LIVE FOR.
WE'RE NOT BUSINESS PEOPLE.
SO I THINK THE PANDEMIC HAS
BROUGHT A LOT OF ATTENTION TO
MEDICINE BEING BROUGHT TO THE
HOUSE, AND IF THAT MEDICINE
WHICH NOW IS CONCIERGE, CAN BE
PRACTICED AT A MORE EXPONENTIAL
LEVEL AND MORE AND MORE DOCTORS
ARE ABLE TO DO THAT, PRACTICE
MEDICINE AS IT USED TO BE, WE
CAN ALL IMPROVE WITH THAT.
Sam: BUT HOW DOES STUFF LIKE
THAT FEEL WHEN YOU KNOW THA
THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE THAT WAITING
AND HAVE TO WAIT DAYS IN LINES
AND DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, AND
DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE POSITIVE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRICKING
PANDEMIC AND DON'T HAVE ACCESS,
AND YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, WALKING
IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND IT'S EASY
AND YOU KNOW IT COULD BE EASY.
HOW DO YOU, LIKE, MAKE
THAT ALL WORK IN YOUR HEAD?
YES, RIGHT, CORRECT.
JUST AS A PERSON IN LINE,
OUTSIDE A URGENT CARE FOR TWO
HOURS, NEED TO BE TESTED, THERE
ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE AT A
DIFFERENT LEVEL NEED TO BE
TESTED AND THEY ARE LOOKING FOR
MEDICAL HELP.
THERE'S A NEED IN ALL FINANCIAL,
SITUATIONS, OKAY.
SO ONE IS TO SAY, SHOULD I NO
TEST THAT PERSON BECAUSE THEY
ARE IN A MANSION LIVING IN THE
HAMPTONS, OR SHOULD WE NOT TES
THIS PERSON BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN
WAITING IN LINE FOR 3 HOURS?
REALLY, IT JUST STARTS IN YOUR
OWN COMMUNITY LEVEL.
I JUST HAPPEN TO BE AS I SAID IN
AN AFFLUENT AREA.
Sam: I GUESS WHAT I'M CURIOUS
ABOUT, AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
I DO GET THIS IDEA OF LIKE,
SERVICE YOUR COMMUNITY AND THE
HAMPTONS HAPPENS TO BE THE
COMMUNITY.
I'M IN.
Sam: BUT IT'S NOT THE
COMMUNITY YOU'RE FROM.
CORRECT.
Sam: DO YOU FEEL ANY
OBLIGATION TO THE COMMUNITY
YOU'RE FROM?
I WAS BORN IN PAKISTAN, I
HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR 25 PLUS
YEARS AND NOW I AM THINKING THA
WITH WHAT'S HAPPENING IN INDIA
AND OTHER COUNTRIES, BUT I NEVER
WENT BACK HOME, I NEVER WEN
BACK TO PAKISTAN.
THAT WAS A LUXURY I HAD THAT I
NEVER -- THAT I TOOK FOR GRANTED
AND NEVER ACTED ON AND IT IS
ARISING THAT QUESTION WITHIN ME
TODAY.
THAT I DO NEED TO HEAD BACK TO
THAT OR AT A LEVEL OF THE
MEDICAID POPULATION THAT I ONCE
WAS AND BRING MEDICAL CARE TO
THAT.
SO YES, I THINK INTERNALLY,
THERE IS THAT AWAKENING.
Sam: THERE'S SO MANY OF US,
RIGHT?
THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE, AND
THERE'S SO MANY NEEDS AND THERE
IS A PART OF ME THAT'S LIKE,
WELL, HOW DO YOU SERVICE
EVERYBODY?
LIKE, SOMETHING THAT POPS IN MY
MIND IS MY MOM ALSO HAD LUPUS,
AND SHE PASSED AWAY FROM LUPUS,
AND HER LUPUS WAS PULMONARY LIKE
MINE IS.
AND SO, AT SOME POINT SHE HAD TO
GO ON A TRANSPLANT LIST, RIGHT,
AND WAIT FOR A LUNG, WHICH SEEMS
SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS RIGHT, AND
THERE'S FOR SURE PEOPLE THA
DON'T WAIT FOR ORGANS.
I KNOW THEY EXIST, I KNOW
THEY'RE LIKE, "I NEED A HEART,"
NEW FUCKING HEART, I'M NOT GONNA
BE WAITING AROUND FOR THIS SHIT.
IS THERE -- AND I WONDER LIKE
HOW DO YOU MAKE THINGS LIKE
THAT, FAIR, RIGHT?
HOW DO YOU PRIORITIZE PEOPLE AND
THEIR LIVES?
WELL, WE'RE PRIORITIZING
PEOPLE NOW, FOR COVID.
BASED ON WHO'S SEVERELY ILL.
YOU MENTIONED TRANSPLANT, THEY
HAVE THEIR OWN ALGORITHM THA
THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW.
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU COULD WORK
YOUR CONCIERGE MAGIC AND GET A
HEART.
I MEAN, I KIND OF -- I DON'
KNOW IF THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.
Sam: SO RIGHT NOW, IF I
WANTED TO BUY A LUNG, YOU
COULDN'T TELL ME WHERE TO GO?
NO, UNLESS YOU WANTED TO DO
BLACK MARKET AND GO TO A
DIFFERENT COUNTRY.
Sam: SO YOU COULD TELL ME
WHERE TO GO.
HOW MUCH?
HOW MUCH A GOOD LUNG COST?
I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'M NO
SELLING.
Sam: MM-HMM.
I THINK YOU KNOW.
WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO
BLAME OURSELVES, WE NEVER BLAME
THE DOCTOR THAT ONLY
PARTICIPATES IN RICH NIGGA SHIT.
WE NEVER BLAME THE DOCTOR THA
ONLY WANTS TO TEND TO THE BILL
GATES' OR THE PHARMACEUTICAL
COMPANIES.
BUT IT'S ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
Sam: BUT HOW DO YOU BLAME
THEM?
THEY'RE JUST FUCKING SURVIVING
IN AMERICA.
THEY'RE ALL IN THE SAME
SYSTEM.
THEY'RE RICH!
HOW ARE THEY SURVIVING?
THEY'RE LIVING IN THE HAMPTONS,
GETTING THEIR DICKS SUCKED.
HEALING WHOEVER THEY FUCKING.
Sam: THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
DO THAT?
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.
Sam: THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
DO THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I JUST FEEL LIKE IF YOU'RE
GONNA BE IN THAT POSITION --
Sam: WHAT POSITION IS IT?
THE POSITION OF HELPING
PEOPLE.
Sam: I THINK THE PROBLEM IS
WE ROMANTICIZE POSITIONS IN THIS
COUNTRY.
WE ROMANTICIZE THE PRESIDENT, WE
GO, "OH THIS IS AN HONOR, THIS
IS A CALL OF DUTY."
IT'S NOT A CALL OF DUTY, IT'S A
FUCKING JOB.
SOME NIGGAS TAKE A JOB AND THEY
WANT TO BE FUCKING
PHILANTHROPIST, RIGHT?
SOME TEACHERS GET A JOB AND
THEY'RE LIKE I WANT TO GO TO THE
WORST COMMUNITY I KNOW.
SOME TEACHERS GO, I WANT A
PRIVATE SCHOOL FULL OF SMAR
KIDS THAT ARE JUST GONNA LET ME
DO WHAT I WANT AND I THINK
DOCTORS ARE THE SAME.
SOME DOCTORS WANT TO BE WILD AS
FUCK IN A CITY HOSPITAL.
AND SOME DOCTORS ARE LIKE I WAN
TO GO WHERE THERE'S FUCKING ALL
THE EQUIPMENT I NEED, WHERE THE
CLIENTS ARE EASY, WHERE THEY'RE
NOT, LIKE RIDDEN WITH DIABETES
'CAUSE THEY EAT WELL, AND I WAN
TO GET MY DOCTOR ON.
'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, NAH BRO!
I CAN'T GET BUSY AS A DOCTOR
WITH ALL THIS IN MY WAY.
ALL THESE OTHER DISTRACTIONS.
Sam: SO LET ME GO OVER HERE
AND DO THE SHIT THIS WAY.
BUT IS IT OKAY TO STILL THINK
OF THOSE PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE
LOOKING IN AS VILE?
Sam: NO, UNLESS YOU'RE JUS
LIKE A NIGGA THAT DOESN'T LIKE
WINNERS, I GUESS.
Sam: AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU CAN'T KEEP OFFERING NIGGAS
OTHER MECHANISMS OF OPPRESSION.
THAT'S A FACT.
Sam: THAT'S NOT FUCKING
FREEDOM AND NIGGAS AREN'T EVEN
TAPPING INTO FREEDOM.
FREEDOM IS THE ABILITY NOT TO
GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I
KNOW YOU'RE GETTING A QUALITY
LIFE.
I DON'T HAVE TO GO WHERE I'M
GOING AND GO, "WHAT AM I GONNA
DO FOR NIGGAS?"
I GET TO JUST GO WHERE I'M GOING
AND DO WHAT I WANT.
I WANT THAT LEVEL OF NOT HAVING
TO GIVE A FUCK.
WE GOT TO DESTROY CAPITALISM,
WE GOT TO DO --
Sam: SHE LIKES CAPITALISM,
YOU KNOW, I'M AMERICAN, I LIKE
MONEY, I LIKE OPTIONS, AND I
DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT MY
MONEY CAN DO.
BUT, THERE'S THIS OTHER STRONG
PART OF ME THAT GOES, THERE'S
THINGS THAT WE'VE MADE PRIVATE
THAT THUS GIVE PEOPLE A BETTER
LIFE FROM THE JUMP.
AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS
HEALTHCARE, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE
THINGS TO ME IS EDUCATION.
AND IF YOU MAKE HEALTHCARE
PRIVATE AND YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO
PAY FOR A BETTER VERSION, THEN
YOU ARE QUANTIFYING SOMEONE'S
LIFE.
YOU ARE SAYING, "YOUR LIFE IS
MORE VALUABLE THAN YOUR LIFE."
YOU CANNOT BUY LIFE.
YOU CAN BUY MEDICAL CARE, BU
YOU CANNOT BUY LIFE.
WHEN PAIN AND SUFFERING IS
HITTING PEOPLE, IT'S HITTING
ACROSS ALL BORDERS OF RACE,
RELIGION, AND FINANCE.
AND JUST BECAUSE ONE CAN BUY
THEMSELVES OUT OF IT, DOESN'
MEAN THAT THEIR PAIN AND
SUFFERING IS LESS.
THEY'RE STILL GETTING THROUGH
THAT HURDLE OF RECOVERY.
Sam: WHICH I 100% BELIEVE, I
DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE I'M
GOING.
I DON'T THINK ONE IS SUFFERING
LESS OR THAT THEIR PAIN ISN'T AS
VALUABLE.
I THINK WHEN IT'S PRIVATE AND
SOMEONE CAN BUY THEIR WAY OUT,
IT'LL ALWAYS BE SHITTY FOR
SOMEONE ELSE.
I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF A
ABSOLUTE VALUE WORLD THA
DOESN'T EXIST.
Sam: I AM.
I ABSOLUTELY AM.
THAT'S FAIR.
YEAH, I THINK THAT'S
DEFINITELY A HYPOTHETICAL NOT A
ACTUAL REALITY.
Sam: BUT IN YOUR HEART, DOES
THAT FEEL CORRECT?
SO LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.
WE ARE SITTING ON A NICE SOFA
RIGHT NOW AND SOMEONE MAY NO
HAVE A SOFA TO SIT ON.
ARE WE TO SAY THAT I SHOULDN'
HAVE THIS LEATHER SOFA ON THE
SET, LET ME JUST SIT ON THE
GROUND LIKE HALF OF THE OTHER
WORLD SITS?
Sam: BUT A LEATHER SOFA ISN'
HEALTHCARE.
STRAIGHT UP, DO Y'ALL
REMEMBER THERE WAS A PERIOD OF
TIME WHERE IT WAS BEING SAID,
AND THIS WAS FAKE NEWS, BUT THA
WHITE PEOPLE WERE THE ONLY
PEOPLE GETTING COVID.
THERE WAS A SECOND.
Sam: I BELIEVED THAT.
I DID TOO AND I WAS EXCITED
ABOUT THAT SHIT.
Sam: AND I WAS LIKE, "OH,
FINALLY GOD BLESSING US."
THERE'S ALWAYS THIS LEVEL OF
TRUTH TO THESE CONSPIRACY
THEORIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I GREW UP BELIEVING MILK DOES
THE BODY GOOD LIKE IT WAS A
FUCKING MEDICAL FACT.
WE FOUND OUT THAT WAS JUST THE
MILK FUCKING INDUSTRY RUNNING A
CAMPAIGN AND ACTING LIKE IT WAS
DOCTORS THAT WERE SAYING THIS
SHIT AND IT'S ALWAYS SOME SHI
LIKE THAT IN AMERICA.
THEY LITERALLY TOLD US ALIENS
DID NOT EXIST AND EVERY NIGGA
THAT SAW A UFO WAS A PSYCHO.
NOW THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "YEAH,
THEY REAL, AND WE DON'T KNOW
NIGGA.
GOODNIGHT."
IT'S LIKE ,YO, CAN I FAULT THESE
NIGGAS FOR BELIEVING THIS SHIT?
IT'S LIKE.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THERE ARE
BABY LEGS HOLDING UP WAYFAIR
TABLES.
THE GOVERNMENT IS CONSTANTLY
LYING.
PEOPLE DON'T GET THIS SHIT FROM
NOWHERE.
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER
YOU WANT TO DIE ON THAT HILL AND
BE LOOKING CRAZY AND MAYBE
YOU'RE ONE OF THE RIGHT ONES.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE
THERE ARE OTHER SPECIES OTHER
PLACES?
WE GOT GIRAFFES AND DOGS AND --
Sam: BECAUSE WE AIN'T SEEM
THEM NIGGAS.
BUT WE HAVE SEEN THEM NIGGAS.
Sam: NO WE HAVEN'T, WE'VE
SEEN FAKE DEPICTIONS OF THE
NIGGAS.
YOU MET AN ALIEN?
I SEEN THEM IN THE MOVIES.
Sam: THAT'S NOT THEM.
NO, NO, NO BUT THIS IS WHA
Y'ALL NEED TO KNOW.
THE MOVIE -- THE CIA AND FBI
WORK WITH THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.
THEY WORK WITH DISNEY.
THEY GAVE THEM ALL THESE IDEAS
OF ALIENS.
THEY DIDN'T JUST COME UP WITH
THIS SHIT BY THEMSELVES.
THE FBI AND THE CIA WORK WITH
DISNEY AND THEY GIVE THEM ALL
THIS INFORMATION BECAUSE THEY
ARE -- THEY HAVE TO TELL US THE
TRUTH.
THEY PUT IT OUT THERE ALL THA
TIME WARP AND SHIT, THAT SHIT IS
REAL.
THEY PUT IT IN MOVIES.
Sam: NIGGA, WHAT YOUTUBE
VIDEOS ARE YOU WATCHING?
HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THA
THEY'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT ALIENS
FOR SO LONG BUT THEY'VE BEEN IN
MOVIES?
THE UFOS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
Sam: THOSE WEREN'T ALIENS,
THIS IS SHIT WE MADE UP.
BUT NO, THEY WASN'T WHAT THEY
MADE UP, IT WAS SHIT THAT WAS
REAL.
Sam: WASN'T NO REAL ALIENS IN
THE MOVIE.
IT WAS A NIGGA IN A COSTUME.
UFOS ARE REAL.
JUST LIKE YOU SAID.
THEY GOT THAT, WHAT'S THAT, AREA
57?
AREA 57 IS A REAL PLACE.
Sam: AREA 51.
51, WHERE REAL ALIENS --
RUNAWAY TRAIN ALL ACROSS THE
NATION.
MISINFORMATION STATION.
SUP BUDDY, ROUGH DAY?
KIND OF.
WELL TRUST ME, YOUR DAYS ARE
ABOUT TO GET ROUGHER.
WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
ONE DAY, WORKING AT YOUR
MINIMUM WAGE JOB AT A
DISTRIBUTION CENTER, YOU'LL FALL
OFF A LIFT AND INTO AN AQUARIUM
CAUSING A SWORDFISH TO PIERCE
YOUR THIGH.
OH, MY GOD.
I MEAN, I HAVE INSURANCE RIGHT?
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ACCIDEN
ISN'T COVERED BY INSURANCE
BECAUSE YOUR HOURS WERE CUT.
YOU CAN'T AFFORD COBRA AND YOU
CAN'T TAKE OUT THE SECOND
MORTGAGE ON YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE
BECAUSE IT ISN'T WORTH SHIT.
I KNEW IT.
EVEN MORE DEVASTATING,
WITHOUT MONEY OR A WORKING LEG.
YOU CAN'T GET PUSSY, AND THE
ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL HANG OU
WITH YOU ARE OTHER MEN WHO CAN'
GET PUSSY.
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY,
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FUCK THA
HOLE IN YOUR LEG.
WAIT, I TRY TO FUCK THE HOLE
IN MY LEG?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME.
OH, GOD.
AND EVEN WORSE, YOUR NEW
BUDDIES AT WORK WILL TELL YOU
THE REAL REASON YOU'RE LOSING
HOURS IS BECAUSE THE COMPANY IS
SECRETLY OFFLOADING SHIFTS TO
PRISON LABOR AND THAT'S WHY
THESE NIGGERS AREN'T SCARED OF
JAIL.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW, IF THEY GE
CAUGHT SELLING DRUGS, THEY'LL
STILL TAKE AWAY JOBS FROM THE
WHITES.
BUT I DON'T EVEN HATE BLACK
PEOPLE.
YOU WILL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A
PROUD BOY NOW AND YOU AND YOUR
FRIENDS HATCH A PLAN TO KIDNAP
KAMALA HARRIS' TWIN NIECES.
AND DOES THAT WORK OUT FOR
ME?
NO.
YOU FUCK UP AND KIDNAP CHLOE AND
HALLE INSTEAD.
OH, THE GOVERNMENT LIES TO
THE POPULATION.
MISINFORMATION STATION.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO
81ST STREET?
I SURE DON'T.
BUT I KNOW HOW YOU END UP
BECOMING A NIGGA WHO THINKS THE
GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO
MICROCHIP YA.
WHAT?
WELL, AFTER COMING OUT AT A
YOUNG AGE TO YOUR VERY
SUPPORTIVE PARENTS, YOU'LL MARRY
YOUR WHITE COLLEGE SWEETHEART.
YOU'LL POST PICTURES OF YOU TWO
WEARING COMFY SWEATERS IN THE
WOODS WITH CAPTIONS LIKE, "THESE
TREES DON'T NOTICE RACE, SO WHY
DO WE?"
AW, THAT'S CUTE.
YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE THE
BREADWINNER, AND YOU'LL STAY A
HOME AND BE THE DOG DADDY, BU
THAT GETS BORING FAST.
AND THEN COMES COVID-35,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE DIRTY
IRISH POTATO FLU.
FIRST, THEY'LL SAY THAT BLACK
PEOPLE CAN'T GET IT, BUT THEN
VAN JONES WILL COUGH UP BLOOD ON
CAMERA AND IT'S SO SCARY, BLACK
PEOPLE START ROOTING FOR VAN
JONES.
THE GOVERNMENT LIED?
DUH, NIGGA, AND THAT SENDS
YOU DOWN A RABBIT HOLE OF
YOUTUBE VIDEOS, EXPLAINING ALL
OF THE GOVERNMENT'S TRICKERY.
LIKE TUSKEGEE EXPERIMENTS,
HENRIETTA LACKS, AND THE CRACK
EPIDEMIC.
REALIZING YOU CAN NO LONGER
TRUST THE GOVERNMENT OR THE
WHITE MAN LAYING IN YOUR OWN
BED, YOU'LL DECLARE YOURSELF A
POTATO FLU ANTI-VAXER AND THROW
HASH BROWNS AT INNOCENT FAMILIES
JUST TRYING TO GET VACCINATED
AND RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL
LIVES.
OH, THE RIGHT AND THE LEF
CAN'T SOLVE FRUSTRATION.
MISINFORMATION STATION.
WHEN IS THE TRAIN COMING?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO KNOW
WHEN YOU START BELIEVING THA
THE LADY THAT KILLED SELENA IS
SECRETLY RUNNING JOE BIDEN'S
CABINET.
QUE?
WELL, AFTER ESCAPING
COMMUNISM, YOU CAME TO AMERICA
DESPERATE TO PROVE YOURSELF TO
BE AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN.
YOU VOTED FOR REAGAN AND YOU
ROOTED AGAINST ELIAN GONZALES.
WELL.
YOU CAN'T JUST FLOAT HERE.
EVERY SUNDAY, YOUR PRIES
TELLS YOU THE HORRORS OF LATE
TERM ABORTION AND GAY SEX IN THE
PARK.
AY, DIOS MIO.
YOUR VERY AMERICAN KIDS, NO
LONGER BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM OR
BABY JESUS.
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED AND NOW
WITH NOWHERE TO PUT THOSE
FEELINGS AND ALL THAT ARROZ CON
POLLO, YOU'LL GO TO FACEBOOK AND
SEE A PICTURE OF TREVOR NOAH
WITH GHISLAINE MAXWELL.
THAT'S RIGHT, SHE'S STILL ALIVE,
AND NOW SHE'S SELLING BROWN
GIRLS.
YOU'LL TRY TO TELL YOUR FAMILY
ABOUT THE SECRET SEX RING BU
THEY'LL CALL YOU LOCO.
THEN THEY'LL STOP ANSWERING YOUR
CALLS.
YOU'LL START SOMETHING CALLED
CUBANON WHICH IS JUST QANON FOR
CUBANS.
YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT THE GHOS
OF FIDEL CASTRO IS INFLUENCING
NATIONAL ELECTIONS BY SENDING
CANDIDATES BABY FINGERS ROLLED
IN CIGARS AND WITHOUT ANYONE TO
TALK TO, YOU'LL SIT ALONE IN
YOUR ONE BEDROOM APARTMEN
WEEPING AND PRAYING HAIL MARYS
FOR A HUMIDOR WITH A FINGERLESS
CHAIRBONE.
WE CAN'T TRUST THE
ADMINISTRATION.
WE ALL KNOW WHO DID THA
ASSASSINATION.
5G TOWERS AND THE RADIATION.
LAURYN HILL SAID IT'S
MISEDUCATION.
IT'S THE END OF OUR
SYNCHRONIZATION.
MISINFORMATION STATION.
OH, FUCK THIS.
Sam: CREATING NEW CURRENCY,
AND EVEN I FEEL LIKE WHEN WE DID
THAT SHIT, IT'S LATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
THEY'RE GOING TO SPACE, THEY'RE
TRYING TO ESTABLISH LIFE ON
OTHER PLANETS.
WE NEED TO BE ON WHAT'S NEXT.
BECAUSE THAT'S GONNA BE A NEW
SOCIETY.
SO WE DON'T NEED A MARS
HARRIET TUBMAN NIGGA, WHAT THE
FUCK IS THAT.
Sam: I DON'T WANT NIGGAS
ENSLAVED ON MARS.
LIKE WHAT DO WE NEED TO GE
THERE?
Sam: MONEY.
SO HOW DO WE GET TO THE MONEY
TO GO TO MARS?
Sam: INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF
NIGGAS INVESTING IN A BASKETBALL
TEAM, GET YOU A TEAM OF NIGGAS
AND SEND THEM TO MARS.
AND SETTING UP SHOP FOR SURE.
SO WHAT IS THE ROUND TRIP?
IS IT LIKE ALL-INCLUSIVE, IS I
NOT INCLUSIVE?
Sam: MARS IS COMPLETELY
UNESTABLISHED TERRITORY.
THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF MARS,
NEEDS TO HAVE A BLACK PERSON.
Sam: THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF
MARS NEED TO HAVE A NIGGA.
WE NEED A MOUNT RUSHMORE AND
THERE'S A NIGGA ON THERE.
WE NEED A DR.
UMAR.
Sam: WE NEED SOMEONE WHO IS
SO AGAINST THIS.
NO PROXIMITY TO WHITENESS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ABOU
UMARS.
Sam: EARTH HAS ALREADY BEEN
SCORCHED, BUT BILLIONAIRES ARE
PLANNING THEIR ESCAPE TO OUTER
SPACE AND I WANT TO GET IN ON
THE GROUND FLOOR.
SPACE IS THE NEXT FRONTIER AND
SINCE WE DIDN'T HAVE A BLACK
PERSON IN THE ROOM WITH THE
FOUNDING FATHERS, THIS SHIT WAS
NEVER FOR US AND IT CAN'T BE.
SO IF I'M GONNA BE REPRESENTED
IN THIS SPACE NATION, I NEED
SOMEBODY I CAN TRUST TO FIGH
FOR MY VALUES.
EVEN IF THEY SOUND INSANE AND NO
ONE FIGHTS FOR INSANE VALUES
HARDER THAN HOTEPS.
AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T ALIGN WITH
THEIR HOMOPHOBIA AND GIAN
ANKHS, IT'S BETTER THAN WHA
WHITE PEOPLE BEEN PUSHING.
SO I TOOK OPEN SUBMISSIONS FROM
HOTEPS WHO THINK THEY'RE UP FOR
THE JOB.
I'M OMARI SOLOMAN, I'M 27 IN
THE WHITE MAN YEARS, BUT I'M
INFINITE IN BLESSINGS.
AND WHEN I GET TO SPACE, I'D
LIKE TO INTRODUCE A POLICY THA
RECENTERS THE BLACK MAN AS THE
HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
EVEN IF HE DOES NOT LIVE IN THA
HOUSEHOLD.
I AM NESQUIKIFONT JONES.
I'M BOTH A SPIRITUAL HEALER AND
MY COSMIC MELANIN IS SOLAR
POWERED.
SO OVERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY, I AM
THE BEST HOTEP BECAUSE I HAVE A
STRICTLY ALKALINE DIET AND I CAN
ALREADY LOW-KEY FLOAT.
WATCH THIS.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
MY NAME CHRIS, AND I JUST GO
FIRED FROM HOME DEPOT, SO I'M
HONESTLY JUST LOOKING FOR A JOB.
ALSO, I'M TRYING TO GET OFF
EARTH BEFORE THEY MAKE EVERYBODY
ALL GAY AND SHIT.
WHAT Y'ALL GOT ALL THESE CAMERAS
FOR ANYWAY?
Sam: ONE OF YOU WILL BE THE
FIRST HOTEP IN SPACE.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING, WHY ME?
WELL, I CHOSE YOU THREE BECAUSE
YOU'RE UGLY, SO I KNOW YOU WON'
PUT VANITY FIRST.
NOW, YOU GUYS WILL BE COMPETING
FOR THE ILLUSTRIOUS HONOR OF
REPRESENTING ME.
YOUR MISSION WILL BE TO SPREAD
MY VISION OF A MELINATED
GALAXY AND STOP THE SPREAD OF
WHITE SUPREMACY THROUGHOUT THE
UNIVERSE.
WE CAN'T JUST STAND BY AND LE
THESE NERDS DICTATE LIFE IN THE
COSMOS WHEN A BUNCH OF REAL
NIGGAS GOT STUFF TO SAY.
THE CHALLENGES THAT LAY AHEAD
WILL PUT YOU TO THE TES
MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY,
ASTROLOGICALLY, SO IF YOU'RE A
SCORPIO I SUGGEST YOU GET THA
SHIT IN LINE.
THERE'S ALSO NO BLACK SOAP IN
SPACE, SO SHIT'S GONNA GET REAL.
NOW, LET'S ALL SALUTE THIS IMAGE
OF YASIIN BEY AND GET TO WORK.
COME ON DOO DOO BREATH, COME ON
ANKLES, GET IN THERE!
HURRY UP!
ARE THERE BLACK PEOPLE WE
NEED TO LEAVE BEHIND?
KANYE.
I DON'T LIKE FOREST WHITAKER.
Sam: TWIST UP.
EXPLOSION MAN, GET RIGHT.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
ALIENS HAVE INVADED.
GET IT TOGETHER.
SOMEBODY'S SICK HERE.
EW, LOOKS LIKE HE WAS EATING
PIGS FEET OR SOMETHING.
I THINK COMMANDER SAM IS THE
PERFECT PERSON FOR THIS JOB.
EVERYTHING THAT HE TAUGHT US
TODAY WAS EXACTLY WHERE MY MIND
WAS ALREADY IN.
I'M JUST PROUD TO BE A PART OF
THE HOTEP FEDERATION.
DO YOU THINK SHE IS A GOOD
LEADER?
THERE'S TITTIES UNDER THA
JUMPER?
NO, NO, NO, AIN'T NO TITTIES
UNDER THAT JUMPER.
THAT'S A NIGGA, BRO.
Sam: YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO
REPRESENT ME.
SAM, FUTURE BUTCH BILLIONAIRE
AND N.A.H.S.O.N.
THE NATIONAL AERONAUTIC HOTEP
SPACE ORGANIZATION OF
NAVIGATION.
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST ORDER OF
BUSINESS?
TO CHANGE THE NAME OF MARS
OVER TO MOORES, SIR, I MEAN
MA'AM.
FUCK.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT Y'ALL
NIGGAS ARE LETTING WOMEN DO
STUFF?
YOU NIGGAS SAID YOU'RE HOTEP.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Sam: SHIT.
I SENT THAT NIGGA ALL THE WAY UP
THERE WITH NO LOTION.
THE ONLY WAY TO GET ABOVE ALL
THIS STUFF IF YOUR LAST NAME
ISN'T KENNEDY, IS TO RECOGNIZE
THE GAME THAT'S BEING PLAYED AND
YOUR POSITION IN IT.
NOT EVERYONE CAN SEND A HOTEP IN
A BUICK TO SPACE, BUT EVERYONE
CAN CUT A LITTLE RED TAPE FOR
SOMEONE ELSE.
LET A HOMELESS NIGGA SIT IN YOUR
STARBUCKS FOR A WHILE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET HIM LIVE
THERE, BUT JUST LET HIM REST HIS
FEET.
BREAK THE TAMPON MACHINE IN THE
BATHROOM SO THE TAMPONS COME OU
FOR FREE.
IF YOU WORK AT THE DMV AND
YOU'RE THE WOMAN IN WINDOW A AND
YOU CAN HAND ME THE PAPERWORK
FROM WINDOW B, IT'S 6 INCHES
AWAY.
GIMME THAT SHIT.
WHEN YOU JUMP A NIGGA'S CAR, YOU
SAVE HIM TIME, THE MONEY, AND
THE PAPERWORK, ALL THE THINGS
THAT MIGHT BURY HIM IN A DEEPER
HOLE.
A HOLE THAT, IF WE'RE NO
CAREFUL, COULD SPREAD WIDE
ENOUGH TO BURY ALL OF US
SOMEDAY.
IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE
GOVERNMENT, WE NEED TO AT LEAS
TRY TO PUT A LITTLE BIT OF TRUS
IN EACH OTHER.
UGLY TIMES, AND THE WORST OF
TIMES, THEY ALL TIMES.
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL NIGGAS NEED
TO GET THE FUCK OUT.
Sam: ALL RIGHT, JERMAINE.
KICK THESE NIGGAS OUT.
DID YO THANG, DOO DOO BREATH.
DID YO THANG.
WHY DO YOU NEED WHITE MAN
PAPERWORK?
LORD HAVE MERCY.