Perfect Couples s01e06 Episode Script

- Rex, there is someone in the house.
- And he's leaving in a body bag.
[thumping.]
- Disturbance.
Intruder.
[murmuring sleepily.]
Okay.
I'll go downstairs, I'll take care of it.
[sleepy mumbling.]
[creaking.]
- I think I hear an intruder.
- What do we do? [creaking.]
- I don't know.
- It was just a possum.
But if it were an intruder, I'd have given him a little bit of this.
And a little bit of this.
- You're my missing piece.
- You're my missing piece.
I'm just gonne go take one last look around.
[glass breaking.]
- okay.
You just woke up the wrong guy.
- Honey, what's going on? - Oh, don't be scared.
Don't be scared, honey.
There's a couple of guys out there.
- Mmm.
- I'm just gonne have to-- - Hey, virgins! Take this party someplace else! If I find so much as one bottle cap-- One! It will be your asses! - Yeah.
[creaking.]
- [whispering.]
I hear him out there.
[creaking.]
- [whispering.]
how are you so calm? I can't take this anymore.
Stop toying with us, you bastard! Finish this! [tv crowd cheering.]
- Let's go, Rex! Come on, Rex! [tv crowd cheering.]
- Unstoppable.
Perfect Couples - Season 1, Episode 6 "Perfect Crime" someone's got to do it Oh, my stomach.
- Oh, I wish I could take your pain.
- Oh, I wish I could give it to you.
- I called around.
Julia's sick.
Vance and Amy are sick.
It must be the stomach flu.
- You know Julie is the one who gave it to us.
- She's never been much of a hand washer.
- Yeah, it's definitely her.
My famous summer rolls.
- Nice.
- More food? - It's a menu tasting for the wedding.
Honey, didn't you tell them the good news? - Amy and Vance called me and asked me To come out of retirement to plan their wedding.
- Wow.
That is almost certainly not how it went down.
- Well, so far only Amy and I have talked about it.
But Vance will be on board once we get him up to speed.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Are you out of your mind? - I said I want elegance and class.
And Leigh is classy.
And elegant.
- Why, because she has a Marc Jacobs bag? So do I.
That doesn't make her classy.
- Oh, yes, thank you.
Please explain what "classy" means to me.
I'm just some dumb girl from Louisiana.
[southern accent.]
I want a NASCAR wedding.
A camouflage cake and a bouquet Of illegal fireworks.
- Leigh is gonne make this wedding All about what she wants.
And you're gonne let her.
She has, like, some weird hold on you.
She's gonne tell us to do something, And you're gonne be all, all-- - That is a great idea, Leigh.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Table centerpieces.
I can't remember what the world was like Before you came up with that.
- Oh, and you'll definitely want these summer rolls.
For the processional, some Debussy.
- Debussy? I love Debussy.
- Really? Multiple choice.
Debussy is "a," a kind of flower.
"b" a wine.
Or "c," a composer? - I don't know, Vance.
But I love it, and I need it.
Can I get some now? - Can I just say one Tiny little thing about the wedding? - Uh-oh, looks like we got a groomzilla.
- Sweetie, traditionally the wedding details Are the woman's domain.
- Wait, though.
In Vance's defense, I think gender roles Have gotten kind of fuzzy.
Actually, the other night, there were Some gang-bangers in our front yard-- - High school kids.
- And you would think that the guy Would take care of it, but Julie did it.
That's just the way things are these days.
- Not in this house.
We had a possum in the yard last night.
Daddy stepped up.
- I was cowering in the bed.
- And I got back into that bed And took what was mine.
- Possum must bring back some pretty painful memories.
Huh, Dave? - Good night, Vance.
- Good night, Dave.
Sweet dreams.
- [long scream.]
- [laughing.]
He left camp early.
- [laughing.]
- I had poison sumac, from head to toe.
It's really bad.
Have you ever had poison sumac? - No.
- Oh, are you guys talking pranks? I'm in.
Unless I'm the one getting pranked.
Am I the one getting pranked? - We have plenty of summer rolls left.
Eat up while they're fresh.
- Yeah.
- You're gonne love 'em.
- Mmm! Mmm.
Both: [laughing.]
- [vomiting.]
- Poor girl.
I guess it's a good thing I'm allergic to shrimp.
I'm gonne take care of you.
I'm gonne get you into bed.
Get you some badmagazines-- - Honey, I don't need anything.
I'm just gonne have some water and some crackers.
Just take a jog and sweat the rest of it out.
- Geez, what are you, an astronaut? You're like gary the-- um, you'reUh Geez, how sad is that? I can't name one astronaut.
- Seriously, honey.
I am fine.
- No, I'm not taking no for an answer.
Get your little heinie into bed.
Daddy's gonne take care of you.
- It's just a little food poisoning.
It's not the end of the world.
Come on, Julia.
Beat the poison! - We didn't appreciate our good health when we had it.
When I feel better I'm gonne appreciate it every day.
- We're never gonne be better.
This is how we are now.
- Damn you, Leigh.
- Damn you, flu that Julia gave us.
- I finally feel good enough to drink again.
I lost nine pounds and was forgetting how to talk to girls.
- Here you go, guys.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Yeah, well, we have your wife To thank for food poisoning us.
- Food poisoning? Dude, I told you.
Lay off Leigh.
Unless you're pranking me.
Is that what this is? Are you pranking me? - So you were sick for two days.
Hanging around the house.
Did Amy let you take care of her? - Oh, yeah.
I fed her soup, she let me brush her hair.
It's like I had a little dolly.
- See, Julia doesn't let me do that stuff.
She just toughs it out.
She's a regular general-- umUh Nothing.
I can name every american idol winner.
What's happened to our generation? - Yeah, she doesn't really lean on you much.
Does she, bro? - No.
There used to be a few things That she'd let me take care of.
And those are all gone now because of the stupidest Birthday gift I ever got her.
Okay.
$7920% would be-- - $15.
80.
Looked it up on my iPhone.
- You can just take a left up here.
- Nope, iPhone says right.
- Oh, who sings this song? - Wait, it'll come to me.
- Oh, t-Rex.
And I just bought it.
[chuckling.]
you are so amazing.
- It's nice to feel needed every once in a while.
You know, not just as a husband, but as a person.
- Well, first off, never say that to her.
I mean, that sucked.
Second, you gotta carve out some things That only you can provide.
Like with us.
There are things that Leigh is good at-- - Like poisoning your friends.
- Like decorating.
And there's stuff that I'm good at.
Like being tall and strong.
- Yeah, Amy lets me handle the bills, And I let her confront people in the service industry.
- So the question is What is Dave good at? - What is Dave good at? That is a very good, very hard question.
- He's good at playing the wrong defense Every week in fantasy football.
Maybe Julia needs help with that.
- Yeah, you were good at a lot of things in college.
Maybe she needs you to get drunk And puke nachos on a cute girl.
- Or maybe she needs me to get new friends.
- Maybe she needs you to take things too personally And lash out.
- Computer.
I'm good at computer stuff.
Like, when she can't connect to the internet, I'm the one that-- I never remember what I do.
But somehow it fixes it.
- So break it.
- Break it? - Break the computer.
- Break it.
- Break it.
- You just break it and then-- - Break it.
Both: Break it, break it, break it! Break it, break it, break it! - All right, superwoman.
Let's see you get on the internet Without your ethernet cable.
Perfect crime.
[squeaking rewind.]
Perfect crime.
- What is he doing? - I think he's trying to be a man? - Oh, honey.
Just wait there.
Catch my whip! - Yeah, I can't watch this anymore.
- Yeah.
It's kind of your fault, 'cause you've been emasculating him.
Vance tells me everything.
I do not ask, trust me.
A little quiet would be nice Every once in a while.
- Oh, he has been so obsessed With these gender roles Ever since Rex and Leigh's mad men party.
- [laughing.]
- Women were treated like second-class citizens.
- I know, I know.
And it was terrible.
Now hustle your sweet caboose in the kitchen And freshen up my martini.
She laughing? - Nope.
- So what am I supposed to be? Like, "oh, help me, you big, strong man.
" - Oh, god.
Here comes the women's libber.
All I'm saying is throw him a bone every once in a while.
Oh, Dave? How do I get this curly thing inside this wine bottle? Ah, I sure wish a fire could start In that hole somehow.
- Well, yeah, but he Jacked up the port on the router When he yanked the ethernet cable out.
- Nothing sexy about that, Julia.
Nothing.
- There you go, have a seat.
This is option one for what Leigh was thinking for the groomsmen.
Seersucker is a classic outdoor look.
I'll also be changing into some Indoor looks while you're here.
- Oh, my god, hi.
Sorry it's such a mess.
Just been down for the count with that stomach flu.
- That wasn't the stomach flu.
You food-poisoned us.
That seersucker suit is awesome.
- I did not food poison anyone.
- It's okay, it was an honest mistake.
Let's get to planning.
- Food poisoning is the second worst charge That you can level at a wedding planner.
- Sleeping with the groom is the first.
- And if I thought for one second That I did that to you I'd remove myself from consideration for this job.
- Oh, oh.
[softly groans.]
- If you're so sure these didn't make us sick, Then let's see you eat one.
- Well, why should I? I know they're fine.
- Then prove it.
Or step down from your post.
- Oh, god.
What are you doing? - I'm going to eat one Of my wife's delicious summer rolls.
- Are you sure? That you're hungry for that right now? - 100%.
- But I am also hungry.
For one of my delicious summer rolls.
- I can't look.
- I can't look away.
- Happy? - Happier than you're gonne be In approximately four to six hours.
- Ooh.
- Ugh.
- What's wrong, honey? - Oh, this stupid computer.
- Oh, what seems to be the problem now? - Oh, it's just not working.
And I do not know what to do.
- All right, well, let's step aside, honey.
Let me take a look-see.
Hey, maybe while I'm working you can Grab me a cold one from the shed? - Sure.
- Attagirl.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Dave, you have to help me, please.
- Sure thing, baby.
Just put it on the "honey-do" list.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You have to do this right now.
There's a possum, and it's dead.
And it's in our shed, And you have to take care of it.
- Okay.
Possum, shed.
I'm pretty deep into the computer thing, so - Just put the cord back in that you ripped out before! I saw the whole thing, you filmed yourself On the web cam, dum-dum.
- What? You-- - Please! You have to just go take care of it! There's so many teeth in such a tiny little dead mouth.
It was smiling at me.
Like, what is so damn funny? [crying.]
[slams door.]
- Hey, Leigh.
I've got a quick Wedding thing to run by you, If you're feeling up to it.
Great, I'm right outside.
So I was thinking about using this As my "just-married" car.
Do you like it? - Mm-hmm.
Is it from Rex's showroom? - Yeah, he let me borrow it.
I was concerned that if you were sick, You might ruin the posh interior.
But to quote Rex - I can't think of any reason Why Leigh shouldn't ride in that car.
[retches.]
coming through! - That's right.
Because I feel fine.
- Great.
Because as you said, if you food-poisoned us, You can't be our wedding planner.
- Now let's make sure the heat works.
Boy, that feels good.
- That's nice.
- [whispering.]
come on, man.
Just man up.
It's probably not even a possum.
It's probably a squirrel, or Possums don't even come out-- Ugh! Undeniably possum.
- So, Leigh, I think we should Use this time to discuss the menu.
- Mm-hmm.
- I really like shrimp.
Big, plump, juicy-- - sounds delicious.
- This is fun.
Whee! [tires squealing.]
- Stop it! - I will if you admit you screwed up! - Tell me why you don't want me To be your wedding planner first.
- 'cause a wedding has to be perfect.
It's the one chance to express the stylistic concepts You've had about yourself your whole life.
To be the star of your own day.
- For Amy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, for Amy.
- But I could give that to her.
You know, to be the star of your own day The soundtrack will be critical.
And I think that she'd want you to be in charge of that.
- Yeah, okay.
She'd probably want that.
Well, what else? - And she'd want you to feature your good side At the altar and in pictures.
- That would mean a lot to her.
On her day.
- Yeah.
And she'd really want your best man Dave To make a video montage of your friendship.
- Please plan our wedding.
- I'd love to.
Because I love you guys.
And I want to make this the best day of your lives.
And now for no particular reason I'm going to go inspect The interior of that garbage can.
Okay.
- It is right that you called me.
I should be here, as I am the cause Of your crippling possum phobia.
- Come on, can we just-- - It is the reason you left camp.
Tell the truth.
You owe it to me.
You owe it to cabin seven.
- There was no poison sumac.
- That had to feel good.
All right.
I'm gonne help you through this.
[scary music.]
- That is not of god's hand.
Okay.
We can do this.
- Possum tailgate.
- Two hours ago you looked like you were gonne die, And now you're drinking? - I love you guys enough to boot and rally.
Is this possum here as the result of a classic prank? - No.
- Oh, it should be.
We should start pranking each other.
All right, let me take a look.
- Are you gonne do it? Are you-- - Oh, how'd it die? 'cause if this thing's got rabies I should really have a glove on.
- I'm gonne check in with Amy.
She's an expert on all things hick.
- You're looking at an adult male.
Dead about 36 hours.
Possums, they rarely carry rabies.
So no worries there.
Yup, looks like he was looking For shelter and he found it.
But something found him.
Something big.
And it will be back.
- I shouldn't have called.
- All right, someone get the garbage can.
- No, it'll stink like hell.
Give me that shovel.
Watch me launch this sucker Over your house and into the woods.
- That's, like, 70 yards.
- Vance, I was all-conference lacrosse.
I think I can manage.
This really brings me back to the championship game.
- Of course this is a bigger crowd than you had for that.
- Just give me a running lane.
Unstoppable.
- Okay, that was awesome.
- Oh, honey.
You did not have to take it through the woods So it wouldn't stink up the garbage.
- Well, that's what happened, so Oh, really? Out-of-the-bedroom sex.
- [laughing.]
that is what heroes get.
- I could get used to this hero thing.
[thunder clap.]
- Uh, hero calls bottom! Both: [laughing.]
- [screaming.]
oh, god! What is that? - It's the possum.
It's back.
- Its bottom is worse than its top.
- And the bastard's still smiling.
- Okay, what the hell is going on? - All right.
Come here, I'm sorry.
- Ooh.
- There are two things you need to know.
I'm deathly afraid of possums.
And your brother's lacrosse skills Are not what they once were.
- You're afraid of possums? - Terrified.
Anything else Boom.
Would have taken care of it.
Snake? No problem.
Dragon? Slain.
Guy in thescream mask? Captured and institutionalized.
But that is I, um-- oh, I'm sorry.
- Honey, don't apologize for that.
That is disgusting.
- No, but that is what I'm-- Honey, it's really important to me that you know That I can take care of you.
- That's sweet.
But that's not you and me.
That whole, "man stuff, woman stuff.
" We are way past that.
It's just "us stuff.
" - Us stuff.
Hmm.
Now we sound so modern.
- We're like the couple from the future.
- All right, okay.
Be careful, be careful.
Yeah, that's him.
That's the one.
- Oh, that is so gross.
- All right, here we go.
- Okay.
- We can do it, here we go.
- Yup.
- Here we go.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- Okay, go! - Open the bag, open the bag! - Oh, god, it's heavy! Whew! Got a real good whiff.
Whoo! We did it.
That was awesome.
- I know, look at us.
All brave.
- Whew.
- Taking care of business.
Using ladders.
Put the two of us together, we're like my dad.
- Except when we get drunk we don't stare at my breasts.
- I'm gonne talk to him about that.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah.
It's actually really nice up here.
- Oh.
The moonlight All secluded.
Kind of romantic.
- Possum gloves! - I'm so sorry.
[sets car alarm.]
- Oh! Possum in the mailbox.
Classic.
Honey, the guys totally pranked me! Leigh, we got some mail.