PhoneShop (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

"Dear Janine.
We would be most cordially honoured if you would come along and be godmother to baby Jayden Skye this Sunday at Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception" Reception.
Um KFC Downham.
Dress code? Sexy but safe.
Shit.
No, I can't do it, Christopher.
Because it's a customer? No, cos I'm doing this one Sunday.
IVF quads in Catford.
I'm fully booked till third quarter, 2012.
That's how much I mean to my customers, Christopher.
And that is the kind of thank you I get.
I get thank yous.
No, you don't.
Thank you.
I had two this week.
Yeah, but have you ever been given a super-size padded greeting card where two elephants standing on their hind legs unfurled a banner bearing the legend "Thank you, Janine?" No.
And do you know why? Because you don't provide a personal service for your customer.
But today, as your store manager, I'm going to help you go the extra mile.
Come on.
Walk with me.
'So let me get this straight, yeah? You're dating a solder?' Woman soldier.
OK.
That opens up a whole new territory, innit? Listen, blud.
Girls returning home from the theatre of war come home hungry for a bit of the Blighty man, innit? They want to get busy in a bivvy with a civvy.
The man's diversifying his portfolio.
Yes, bruv.
In these economically reduced times, you've got to seek out new opportunities on all fronts.
True dat.
I hear that.
Tonight I'm going to introduce her to my very own improvised explosive device.
Kaboom! Ashley's in your room.
Zoom, soon to be in your womb.
It was this thing I saw in the Daily Star, yeah? What, bruv, you know I ain't proud.
I'll be straight with you, yeah? The first four months, I'm getting replies from just like, man.
Some of them was fairly erotic and engagingly structured, actually.
But then, this.
Shit! I didn't think you were allowed to have your ears pierced in the army.
Cameron's Britain.
Damn.
Guys, power huddle here now, quick.
Janine, you're manager for the day, yeah? So why are you acting like Sir Lord Alan Sugar man, innit? Yeah, Jardine.
Lance is only gone for like three days.
Why are you going on like a chief, innit? Be that as it may, Ashley, it's not going to prevent me from executating my official duties as store manager.
Store manager for the day.
Store manager.
Store manager for the day.
Store manager.
Store manager for the day.
Store manager.
Store manager for the day, Janine.
Don't get it twisted.
This is like Wife Swap, yeah? OK, so you make up your own fuckin' mung bean, brown bread, bullshit Birkenstock rules today, safe, enjoy yourself.
Cos tomorrow, it's my day.
These kids are getting Haribo and Red Bull for breakfast, you get me? That's right, Daddy's got weekend custody, innit? I ain't getting up until like, quarter to nine, and I'll still bust target.
What? Say something.
I think you'll find long after the parent has returned, my rules still stuck very firmly to the front of the fridge freezer.
Covered over by a Domino's menu, innit? Satire! Oh! I'm making changes, starting Now.
I'm bringing in a new member of staff to assist floor operations.
What are you talking about? I've managed to secure a leading expert in his field with unparalleled pro-know.
Do you even know what that means? Yes.
No, you don't, cos I just made it up.
Bet you feel like a right pair of balls now.
It stands for project knowledge, Christopher.
You can use it, but you always have to credit me.
OK.
Pro-know.
Credit me.
Copyright you.
Are you serious? Who you got coming in? Is it Kamal Kameel Jr out of Phones4u? Nah, man, it's Joel Heggessey Higgs from Carphone Warehouse.
Guy's like Nigel Havers.
I heard the man wears a cravat in the bath.
It's neither of those.
Charismatic as they both are.
It's Ryan.
What? Ryan? Rain Man Ryan? What the fuck? Shut up.
Who's Rain Man Ryan? That's the crazy thing about that handset.
You're paying a premium for what's essentially a high-powered personal computer that just happens to be able to make phone calls.
Badly.
It's an epic fail.
When you reach manhood, I swear down, bruv, I will find you and fight you.
Do you understand? Prick.
Where are you going? I tell you what we'll do for you.
I'm going to come round your house and I'm going to show you how to use that camera phone properly, innit? Yes, of course in low-light conditions.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know it's splash-proof.
Nah, that's not a problem.
I'm only too pleased to go the extra mile for my customers.
I'm all about the personal service.
OK.
OK, Mrs Acorci.
I'll see you then.
Here you are, Mrs Bryant Sue.
I know it can be a bit daunting, so take that home, have a flick through it with your husband, and next time you're in town, pop in and see us.
He does need a new one.
His is nearly as old as me! What, 21? It's just having the time to sort it out.
It's non-stop at work, so Yeah, I know.
Sue, is it? Are you local, Sue? Yeah, about five minutes away.
We'll pop round.
You'll come round? Yeah.
Obviously we can't offer this kind of service to everyone, but You sound like our kind of people.
Yes, and we're all about the personal service.
Will it cost any more? Sue, we're not interested in your money, we are interested in you.
Both of you? We work best as a team.
He's very keen, I'm experienced.
So, what do you say? Er Yeah, all right.
Is it all right if I check with my husband first? Sure.
I'll give you a buzz.
Nailed it.
Yeah, well from what you've told me you're looking for, this is the phone that I'd recommend.
I bet you like taking lots of photos, right? Photos of yourself? Definitely a flip, quick.
One of those.
Yes, bruv, she's home on leave, so I is linking her tonight, innit? You've got to think, yeah, this girl has been on like basic rations for six months, innit? Tonight we're going strictly three courses and coffee.
And then we might get something to eat.
Dry, bruv.
Dryvita.
All right, Dave? All right? What are you doing here? What's he doing here? Oh, no, it's fine.
We don't have to pay him, he's too young.
And if they catch him, we just say it was his idea.
"Sorry, sir.
" "We tried to get him to budge but he wouldn't move on.
" So, it's fine.
They can't touch us for it.
I've cleared it with my brief.
Well done, Janine.
Well done.
Thanks! What are you doing here, Lance? Yeah, man I thought you was honeymooning.
How was your big day? Yeah, it was fine.
Did Shelley get her extensions done in the end? Yeah.
Well done, Lance.
Did she look like Cheryl Cole? Not really.
No, we didn't go for the expensive, expensive ones.
I went to see Wheelchair Dave.
He got some for us.
Wheelchair Dave? Yeah, you know, Wheelchair Dave? Little fellow.
Wheelchair.
Dave.
Dave, yeah.
He's a pervert, Christopher.
He can never keep his eyes of the triangle.
Triangle? He can't help it, he's in a wheelchair! That's his eyeline, innit? Anyway.
So, this is where you been hiding, is it, you worthless piece of shit? I'm not hiding.
I work here! Arsehole! She doesn't mean that.
Cut-priced cunt! She does mean that.
Have you told them? Told them what? Told them what happened, cos you wanted to save money! Did you pick up the video? Yes.
Right.
Well, why don't you show them then? They don't want to see it.
I would actually like to see that.
I wouldn't mind.
If everyone else is.
To be fair He told me I was getting the London Gospel Choir singing Angels.
Let me see you love God! Up! Up! Get 'em up! Who filmed this? Why don't you ask the prick in the wheelchair? He's not a prick, Shelley, he hasn't got an arsehole.
It appears that you don't actually have a valid wedding certificate in place.
Where is the wedding certificate? I don't fucking know! She says we don't have a fucking wedding certificate! It's around somewhere! Where is it? Yeah, look at that.
So, a couple of minor hiccups.
Nothing major.
Yeah? I go to renew my wedding vows only to find out that we are not fuckin' married in the first place? Cos this spineless shit has lied to me.
It wasn't a lie.
It was more of an oversight.
I didn't realise that that man who married us on that idyllic beach in Jamaica wasn't actually a minister.
He was more of a waiter.
Yeah, that you paid off to marry us cos you didn't want to marry me.
Shelley, I'd met you in a hot tub at Hedonism three days earlier.
I couldn't marry you then.
For all I knew you could have been a nutter.
Do I look like a fucking nutter? Of course not! No.
No.
Come here, come on.
Too late, Lance.
What you are looking at now is a free agent.
Oh, not this again, Shelley, please.
Come on.
Shelley! What are you doing tonight, Ashley? I've got to go on a date with a soldier, Shell.
Shithouse.
What about you, my proud Nubian prince? I've got to stay in.
It's like my pamper night tonight.
I got to exfoliate.
I've got my eye on you.
I could do with a new man.
I've got to see a customer tonight.
Sorry, Mrs Crisp.
Eh? Yeah.
Well done.
Thank you.
Sorry, Shelley.
I'm a slave to the cock.
I wasn't asking you.
Come on, Shell, I'll treat you to a Zizzi.
Do not touch me.
I can smell your fuckin' hands.
You don't know how to treat a woman.
You don't know how to hold a woman.
You don't know how to kiss a woman.
You don't know how to make a woman feel like a woman.
Er Er, toilet.
Excuse me.
Tell your husband to stop looking at my tits.
Yeah? Uh? Paedo.
Shut up! Yes, bruv.
Uh? Yeah, she is, actually, I think she might be powerin', man, like Lance Corporal Kemp, reporting for booty.
All right? Yeah, that was very funny, that Come on, dickhead.
Call you back.
We're not leaving until those bags are emptied.
Right.
Um, how does this work? Or do them both together? I'll slip in and finish him off.
Sleeves rolled up and right on the button, OK? Hello, Sue.
Hello.
Hello, guys.
Lovely of you to, er Have you come far? No, of course you haven't, you've come from the shop.
Sorry.
I'm a bit nervous.
I haven't done this sort of thing before.
Oh, don't be nervous, Sue.
It's all right, we don't bite! Unless you want us to! Oh, yes! Grr.
Meow! Look, you've got bags.
Oh, yeah, I've come equipped.
Oh, right.
Well, do you want to come through? This is lovely, Sue.
Oh, thank you.
I've been scrubbing all day.
Have to get you a maid's outfit.
Lovely, really.
Sometimes we just wander into other shops and go, "We are Eskimos.
" They're like, "What?" Like, Elite Sailing Krew, but with K instead of a C, and then IMO means "in my opinion", just like Have you ever seen a man with his head cut off, Ashley? Er, not in real life, no, no.
It's not the sight of it.
It's the smell.
You must have seen some pretty heavy things out in Afghanistan, like.
That wasn't Afghan, it was Crewe.
Do you want a beer, yes? Oi, two beers.
This is the lounge.
Hope it's big enough for you.
It's a lovely size.
I can work this room.
I wasn't sure whether to move any of the furniture out or put cardboard on the floor or anything.
It can get a bit messy.
Shall I cover the sofa? I've got an old ground sheet from a tent, I could just throw it over.
It was a joke.
Oh A joke! You sort of lose your sense of humour in these situations, don't you? Yeah.
Is your husband about, Sue? Yes.
Yes, he is.
I shall go and fetch him.
What the fuck?! You can see what's going on here, can't you? What's going on? Can you seriously not see what's going on? No.
Can you not see what they are? No, what are they? Jesus freaks.
No, they're And not nice ones.
One will bloody baptise us and No, they're not, she's lovely.
Ta-da.
I make no bones about this, I'm a ball breaker.
I have literally broken balls.
The last guy I was with, things got pretty heavy.
He ended up with a unilateral ruptured testicle due to a blunt pelvic trauma.
I was just trying to have a bit of fun.
If you can't stand the heat you get the fuck out the kitchen, yeah? OK.
You like kitchens, Ashley? Yeah, kitchens are nice, they're safe.
Do you enjoy a hot kitchen? Could do.
Because I've got a bit of a chip pan fire going on in my kitchen, Ashley, and it's going to have to be dealt with quickly and efficiently by someone who knows what they're doing.
OK.
Metaphors.
When I say kitchen, I mean vagina.
Such a ugly word, like OK.
I'm, like, going to a little off road, like it might sound a bit crazy to you, but, um do you like the films of Jude Law? Does he have a vagina? Er, don't think so.
Why are you talking about him, then? I might Do you need some hot sauce? Do you need some sauce? No, I'm good, I'm good for sauce.
Just where do get off on treating people like this? I don't I didn't Because I've He's been looking forward to this for two-and-a-half years, ever since we got broadband.
I'm hacked off that we're the only ones who've made a bloody effort.
They're not swingers, Clive.
I had to leave work early, for this.
They're going to take it as a half day.
Terrific! THUD! Architrave, Clive! Apologies, Sue! This was supposed to be something special for us.
Our first time.
I've even got somebody filming it for posterity.
Are we being filmed? Hello, Janine.
Hello, Dave.
I was hoping I'd get to see your tits, and your Careful, Janine, there's a man in here minus his arsehole.
I told you Christopher is a pervert.
Sorry, no offence, Sue.
So much for going the extra mile.
Is your mum in? No, sh she's gone to church.
Good.
Me feeling irie Dis gal got a finer gully She need some has' to start Afraid to let yourself go, Jerwayne? I got some skins, you got something to go in 'em? In 'em? In 'em? Uh Uh uh OK, I see how that works, like.
So you only ever really need one sheet of toilet paper, innit? Have you ever climaxed with the business end of an M16 assault rifle in your mouth? No, that's not something I've ever experienced.
Don't worry, I'll leave the safety on for ya.
Pussy! Thank you very much, that's very kind of you.
I wouldn't worry, you'd be wearing a hood anyway.
Er, do you know what? I'm going to go toilet.
Do you want anything? Whoa, whoa! Let's make a baby Barack, yeah? Watch this, right? Ooh, ooh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stay like that.
Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get some guava oil, and put it all over you.
Yeah! Yeah.
So, sexy, stay right there.
Don't move, you're so hot right now.
You're so hot now.
Stay there.
Stay.
Yeah? Ooh, stay like that.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah? You keep that there.
More, yeah? Yeah! Yeah? Yeah! I'm not I'm not going back.
It's fine, it's Lance.
Hello.
Jerwayne! Jerwayne! Ash, Ash! She barricaded me in there, blud, I swear.
I was so shocked, bruv, and then she kicked off her high heels.
I just feel so fucking vulnerable.
When she started dancing, I think she was trying to I'm sure she's following me, innit? I can see you.
I've got you.
Serious, bruv, I was shook, proper, bruv.
It was bad pum-pum in my face.
I didn't know what to do.
I thought she was going to violate, man, under You all right? Yeah.
No.
This is nice.
Let's have those keys, then.
So, what are we all doing here? Soldier.
Swingers.
Shelley.
Shelley? Tell me she didn't dance.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry, mate.
Come on, I'll stick the kettle on.
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