Pickle & Peanut (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Sharks, swords, yogurt, kicks Fries, smart phones, hot tubs, yeah Shades, bagels, grills, airbrush, chrome Blankets, mopeds, yes Drop top, laptop, breath mints, scars Kittens, wet skis, drive thrus, fresh Tight pants, wide screens, tacos, wheelies Freestyle, thrift stores, mini trampolines They call him Peanut They call him Peanut They call him Peanut Pick-pick p-p-p ( hop music playing ) Hmmm.
Uh Ugh! Uh I don't know, Peanut.
None of these discount headphones really seem like our style.
Hey, hold on, princess.
I think I found something we can afford, and they're not completely embarrassing.
Hey, I think you're right.
Know what? This may be the most rational, adult-like decision we've ever made.
There's nothing that can make me change my mind.
- What's with the dork phones? - Lazer, you work here? Yeah, I, like, love computers and junk.
And my stepdad got me this job.
You should put away those baby toys, and help me make a commission.
Try strappin' on a pair of these bad boys.
What are those? Uh, they're Turkey Wraps.
Only the hottest new headphones, put out by hip-hop legend D-Stixx.
Now available.
Gobble, gobble! Buy my headphones.
- Those are cool.
- Yeah.
How'd you get those? They cost 500 bucks.
Now get off me.
Five hundred bucks! We'll never have that kind of money.
Yeah, 'cause you're poor and stupid.
Can you give me a ride home? My stepdad's hooptie broke down again.
Uh, yeah.
Hey, you know what? You throw us a couple of bucks, we'll give you a ride.
Okay, you big stupes.
You got yourself a deal.
Hey, this isn't the way to my pad.
Hey, sweetie pie, don't worry.
I'm a shortcut connoisseur.
Oh, that was a close Guys, this is some real baby driving.
What's that, baby driving? Take it to the next level, Peanut.
( imitating gunfire ) I'm getting carsick.
( brakes screeching ) Hey, boys.
Thanks for dropping off Lazer.
Oh, are you Lazer's stepdad? You're a police officer? You guys are a couple of shark tacks.
Been seeing a lot of crime go down on my beat.
I could really use a couple of hotshots like you to become junior crime sniffers.
So here, take my card.
Oh, whoa, a policeman hotline? Hey, and thanks for driving my stepson home.
Here's a little something for your troubles.
Oh, my gosh.
We just made a dollar.
Can you imagine if we made our van all fancy, and had a luxury car service? We'll be rockin' those turkey wrap headphones in no time silly.
Strategy, strategy, strategy.
- Gobble, gobble, got my ride lookin' fine - What! Kick it out, ride it low all the time - What! - Pickle hook you up with a footbath Or a hot stone or a cool drink - Anything you want - What! Oh, man, Picks, we are soon to be rollin' in green wads of young money.
- Young money! - Hey, Pickle! ( groaning ) Hey, maybe you guys could drive me to the emergency room.
BOTH: Our first customer.
Hey, ballers, I could use a lift to my Pilates class.
Hey, welcome aboard.
Can I interest you in a complimentary lavender spritz, sir? Hit me, fool.
Rapture, rapture, rapture.
Delights, delights, delights.
Hey, wait, you guys have any change? I just put it in your account.
Ha ha, this is great.
We've been at it all day.
How much bucks we got? Uh, about twelve dollars.
One of them's Canadian, though, so we probably oughta just throw that away.
What?! Aw, man, at this rate, we'll never get those turkey wrap headphones.
We gotta find some customers with some money.
Hey, look, a potential client.
Hello, mysterious man with a suspicious sack.
Would you be interested in trying this young boy luxury car service? You're not a couple of narcs, are you? No, sir, we're Americans.
Take me to the warehouse at the corner of Danger Road - and Regret Avenue.
- You got it.
( siren wailing ) Hang onto your butts.
I know a shortcut.
PICKLE: Not in my house.
PEANUT: Hey, here we are at the beautiful Devil's Armpit District.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
( woman screams ) Well, that was some kind of drivin', there, kid.
Here.
How about you just stop by tomorrow morning, give me another ride? You can meet some of my playmates.
Keep the change.
Oh, whoa, $20.
( woman screaming ) Good morning, gents.
Please make yourself comfortable and buckle up.
Watch your head, and cabin service will begin shortly.
Lavender spritz, anyone? If you do that, kid, I'll put you in the ground.
Okay.
Whoa.
Hey, driver, let's stop here.
I gotta bust a wazz in the wazz pot.
Anybody else? ALL: Yeah! Can do, will do.
You got it.
Come on, boys.
Time to get nasty.
All right, enjoy, fellas.
Huh.
Why do you think they're wearing masks just to blast a two? I bet it's just some bathroom costume party.
I read about those on the internet.
( alarm blaring ) Go, go, go, go! ( laughing ) That was close, boys.
So did everything come out okay? ( loud clatter ) Hey, uh, oh.
( clatter ) Hey, P-Bear, I don't think these guys are on the up and up.
- Maybe we oughta call Gary.
- No, no, no, no.
Cool your jets there, baby boy.
Just ask 'em.
They'll tell us the truth.
Okay, guys, I gotta say something here.
( angry muttering ) Did you just rob that bank? I mean, come on, guys.
What's with the sacks? Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys got the wrong idea.
I swear, we did not take any money from that establishment.
Yeah, we ain't up to nothin'.
And we'd appreciate it if we could keep doin' nothin' for a little bit here.
I guess we gotta take them at their word.
Look at this guy, he's got a double lip piercing.
He's obviously making a lot of good decisions.
Yeah, I think you're right.
And pretty soon, we'll have our brand-new turkey wraps.
Ooh, wiggle that money maker.
Wiggle that money maker.
- Go, go, go, go! - ( loud clatter ) What do you suppose is in all these bags they keep getting? Oh, yeah, who cares? Ooh, looky here.
Somebody grew a money-green goatee.
Oh, yeah, what do you know about this money Mohawk? Hey, guys, you been doin' a real bang-up job.
How about we bring you by the warehouse? Our boss would love to meet you.
Duck McBucks thinks that's a pretty good idea.
Quack, quack, whoo.
Everybody buckle up.
Let's rip this road a new pothole.
( woman screaming ) Man, this place looks a little sketchy when it's nighttime.
Yeah, you get used to it.
Now come on, get inside.
I'm scared, Peanut.
Pickle, I bet these guys are fine.
They've been excellent paying customers.
Besides, anything goes wrong, we can always give Gary a call.
Hey, boss.
The boys are here.
So you guys the slick drivers my boys are talkin' about.
Glad to finally meet you in the flesh.
BOTH: Oh, what! D-Stixx! Gobble, gobble! Buy my headphones.
The whole reason we started driving a taxi is to save up for a pair of your turkey wrap headphones.
Oh, yeah? You like my headphones? Okay, hey.
come here.
Let me show you a little somethin'-somethin'.
I'm real proud of my operation.
I make my turkey wrap headphones right here, with parts you help me steal.
Uh steal? That's right, from all the public bathrooms.
Check out these.
Toilet seats, y'all.
We found out we could save a fortune by using the cheap acoustical plastic found in your ordinary toilet seat to make our turkey wrap headphones.
I feel sick.
We don't even waste money disinfecting those suckers.
These seats are coated in booty germs.
BOTH: Ugh! Thanks to you two boys, everyone in the world will be wearing turkey wrap headphones.
Oh, yeah, that sounds great.
I gotta get home because I forgot my inhaler.
No, no, no, no.
We gotta make one more ride.
Your van has too much heat on it, so we need to drive down and dump it in the tar pits.
Gotta keep our tracks clean, real clean, as in no evidence.
- Oh! - No witnesses.
Ow! If we dump our car in the tar pits, how will we get back home? Hey, boys, you wanna give me a hand with these body bags? Emergency friendship tunnel.
Pickle, we gotta do something.
These guys are gonna kill us.
We gotta call Policeman Gary.
All right, I'll go take care of that.
You go distract the guys, okay? Yeah.
If we don't get out of here, we're a couple of sitting ducks.
- Quack, quack, whoo! - Yeah, okay.
Let's load up, guys.
First one in gets my signature hot stone treatment.
( phone vibrating ) What? No one's interrupting my Gary time.
Not tonight, friends.
( whispering ) Gary, we need your help.
We've uncovered a huge criminal operation.
You said this was the hotline.
I hope you get this message before we get murdered.
Did everything go okay? Yeah, Pickle, we're gonna be fine, man.
We're gonna die now.
Hey, quit yappin' and get drivin'.
To the tar pits, and step on it.
Hey, you know what? I know a shortcut.
( all yelling ) Hey, take it easy up there.
I'm gettin' carsick.
Pickle, let's take these guys to the next level.
Uh-huh.
( imitating gunfire ) ( helicopter flying overhead ) - BOTH: Policeman Gary! - Pickle, Peanut.
Thanks for calling the hotline.
I came as soon as I could.
Boys, you cracked this case wide open.
You got enough evidence to put D-Sixx away for a long time.
I don't know how to repay you, but here's at least a start.
Whoo! PEANUT: Ah! You know what? This is the right decision, man.
I don't know why we didn't do this in the first place.
Yep.
These are in our price range, - and they sound like a dream.
- Hey, victims.
Hey, Lazer.
What happened to your ear? Just got back from the doctor.
He said the turkey wrap headphones are full of booty germs.
Now my ears are gonna shrivel up, turn black, and fall off.
Oh, Lazer, don't let that get you down.
It'll just make you ear-ristible! ( all laughing ) Oh, hey, dum-dums.
You guys, we have a lot of fun on this show, but I'm here to talk about something serious.
Gluteous cuteous, otherwise known as booty germs, are spreading at an alarming rate.
If you'd like to learn more about booty germs, pick up a dictionary and learn more about booty germs, you big stupes.