Players (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Alright, guys.
Shoes off, before you go in.
Alright, there, princess.
- Get in there.
- Thank you.
Put your shoes off.
Alright be cool AJ.
What the hell is this?! Jumpy house, lalala.
Genius idea, right? Put it in front of the bar so people with kids can come and drink on the weekends.
Welcome to our very first bring your kids at the bar day.
You realize what kind of liability issue this is? Well, it's a little late, Ken, because right now we have a ton of parents in there buzzing it up.
Okay, look, if we're gonna do this, I want adult supervision on this all times.
Fine.
Aaah!! Relax.
It's all soft in there.
Nobody is getting hurt.
Alright, I'm coming in.
- It's like a welfare preschool in here.
- Hey, Ken, I got your mail.
Opened it for you.
- Stop opening my mail.
- But I love it.
It's like Christmas.
- Oh, no.
No.
- What's wrong? - Cousin Leonard's coming to visit us.
- Oh, awesome.
When? - Today.
- Cool.
- Why don't you like cousin Leonard? - Because he's a mentally challenged sociopath.
- No, he is not.
He is a sweetheart who's full of life.
Ken doesn't like him 'cause they look a lot alike.
When we were kids, Ken would always get mistaken for Leonard.
- We don't look anything alike.
- No, I see it.
- You haven't met him.
- But I will.
- They do, actually.
- So I'm right.
- Both idiots.
- He's right.
Here we are.
What do you think, Leonard? - This rocks like welcome to the jungle.
You must be getting boatloads of pussy, Cousin Bruce.
- I do okay, Leonard.
Calvin, I want you to meet cousin Leonard.
- Hey.
- Hello, Calvin my friend.
Do you lift weights? - Yeah.
- I can tell.
You're a little buff.
- Thanks.
He's awesome.
- I am awesome.
- Oh.
Hey.
- Oh, yes.
You know what I like.
- Leonard, this is my girlfriend, Barb.
- I mean, how do you do? It's very nice to meet you.
- Hi, Leonard.
It's so nice to meet you.
- Oh, in case you did not notice by my demeanor, I am a retard.
- Oh, God.
Leonard, you don't have to use that word To describe yourself.
- Oh, no, no.
I like to use it.
It takes the power away from the word.
- Well, very nice to meet you, retard.
- Nice to be met, normal lady.
- Isn't he the best? - Maybe second best.
Jesus Christ is okay.
- Yeah.
Him too.
Oh, Leonard, I want you to meet hickey, My best friend.
- Hey, hey, tricky hickey.
How's it hanging? - Pretty good, Leonard.
Good to meet you.
- Oh, I see you're a friend of the porn portal, As I like to call it.
You're going to like this site.
It's not necessarily sexual.
It's just very obese women Sitting on weird, little men.
- Hello, Leonard.
- Hello, Ken.
If anyone detects a chilly tone Between the two of us, It's because Ken does not like me Because I am retarded.
- I don't dislike retarded people.
I dislike when you act inappropriately.
- Oh, that reminds me.
I got myself in some trouble With my host family last Thanksgiving.
I checked the heat on the turkey By sticking my Dick in it.
So now I have to get a positive evaluation Before I can regain my visitation privileges.
If I do, I will be at players every weekend.
- Yeah.
No problem, buddy.
- No way am I letting you fill it out.
You're completely biased.
- Yeah, well, you've got a bit Of a grudge against Leonard, So how about we both fill it out.
- Fine.
- Yeah, fine.
- Can I get two white zins? - Oh, hello, foxy mama.
I would like to get those two scoops of peach ice cream, Put a little whipped cream on them, And go to town.
- Leonard, that's completely inappropriate.
- What? - Calm down, Ken.
He's just joking around.
- Ken feels the same as one Adolf Hitler, That all retarded people should be castrated So they feel no sexual desire.
- Jesus, Ken.
- I do not feel that way.
- Oh, yes, he does.
He does.
- You know what, Ken? You're a real jerk.
Nice to make him feel bad.
Why don't you and I Go to the kitchen And we make an ice cream sundae? - Okay.
Maybe I will grope you while we're there.
I'm kidding.
- How can she be amused by that? - No groping, Leonard.
Ken, I know you have your problems with Leonard, But do me a favor.
Show a little patience.
- I'll try to get along with him, But the fact of the matter is he's impossible.
- Can I have some more beer, please? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I don't see why not.
- What do you mean you don't see why not? - It's kids drink free day.
- No, it's not kids drink free day.
It's bring your kid to the bar day.
- Why would you bring a kid to the bar If he's not gonna drink? - Just stop.
Put that away.
Hey, buddy.
Where's your mom and dad? - Not here.
- Okay.
Can you call 'em? - No.
Can I have some beer? - Sure.
- No! - Guys, he loves beer.
He's had, like, six of 'em.
- Shh.
- We'll lose our license.
- Don't you ever say that again.
Don't you ever tell people you had six beers at our place.
- I'm gonna tell people If you don't let me have some free beer.
- How about ginger ale? It's just like beer.
- I'm gonna tell some people.
- How about root beer? That's beer.
- Okay, I'm going to tell people.
- Okay, okay, uh, uh - This much.
A tiny little ounce.
- Give him an ounce.
- This much.
- I'm not negotiating with you, young man.
- I'm telling.
- Okay.
Get him as much as he said.
- Here you go, Philip.
Say thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Philip.
Show Barb your trick.
- Goo goo Ga Ga! it's just like a baby.
- Goo goo Ga Ga! - Oop! Where'd the baby come from? - Did you get wings delivered? - Yeah.
They're my favorite.
- Why would you do that when we have our own wings? - 'cause Philip doesn't like our wings, Kevin.
- I don't like your wings.
- Have we called the police yet About dealing with this situation? - No, we have not.
But we're gonna wait it out, okay If you get the cops involved, Then dcfs gets involved, And these people might come back.
- Yeah, and I don't mind watching Philip Until his parents come back.
- All right.
- If they do come back.
- All right, we'll give it to the end of the day.
Get rid of this packaging.
I don't NT people knowing That you orded in.
- Two ys.
- Ne.
Two days.
- Three.
Three days.
- Three days.
- You got a stain your shirt.
- Oh! - Here, pick a horse.
I'm boxing the four and six.
What else you like? Blue midnight? All right.
Good pick.
For daddy? Awfor daddy.
- Oh, wow.
- That's funny I came up with this workout When they banned weightlifting At my group home.
They thought that some of the hardcore retards Were becoming a danger to the orderlies.
So now I do a sort of prison-yard workout.
Basically involves the cind block throw.
- You're so smart, Leonard.
- I was blessed with an IQ of 69.
Also my favorite sexual position.
And that puts me just below the level of normal.
It is better to be an exceptional retarded man Than to be a stupid, stupid normal person.
- Tell me out.
- Calvin, what are you doing? - This awesome, new workout that Leonard taught me.
It's called a cinder block workout.
- No.
Go.
Back inside and tend bar.
- Bye, Leonard.
Sorry Ken won't let us be together.
- It's not your fault.
You have shown no prejudice.
Would you like to work out with me? - What do you want me to do? Just catch the cinderblock And throw it back to you? - Yeah, that's all.
- All right.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
I want to stay in shape.
Oh! Why, Ken? - What is wrong with you? - He said that I'm a retard, And retards are bad for business.
Then he threw a brick at me.
- I did not! He asked me to help m exercise! - Stop lying, Ken.
- He's practically a child.
You've had it out for Leonard Ever since we were kids.
- Why, Ken? I just want to be your friend.
- Don't worry, Leonard.
No one's Goa hurt you anymore.
- Thank you, Bruce, for protecting me.
- No problem.
- What are youting? - I'm writing that Leonard Was not physically violent when being attacked.
- It was hard too, Bruce.
I was so scared.
- You're a liar! You asked me to throw that at you! - Stop yelling at him.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- I'm sorry I'm different, Ken.
- You never apologize for your handicap.
Do you understand me? - No, I'm bad.
- No, you're God damn you, Ken.
Come on.
Let's go inside.
- You - You should be ashamed of yourself.
You could have killed him.
I don't think that's infected, Jorge.
Hey.
Everything okay? - Yeah.
The baby sleeping.
- I'm not a baby and I'm not sleeping.
- Okay, yes, you are, and yes, you are.
- He doesn't look tired.
- Oh, he's exhausted.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Hey, did you want to hold him? - No.
Probably let him go if you want.
- No, he's fine.
I got to get him to bed.
You know, he needs to take a nap right around 3:00.
- No, I - yeah, you do.
- No, m not a baby.
- Yes, you are, sweetie.
- Calvin.
- Okay, fine.
You're a big boy.
- Hey, any word on this missing kid's parents? - No.
- Man, we got to find them quick.
Barb's forming an unhealthy attachment to this kid.
- Yeah, I checked back here.
I couldn't find them.
- So how's it going with the jumpy house? - I don't know.
Haven't been outside all day.
- Well, who's watching the kids? - Oh, hickey's out there.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- No.
Ken, hickey's sister owns a kid.
- Hick.
Hickey.
- What? - You're supposed to be watching the kids.
- Kids are fine.
- Oh, no.
Leonard.
Leonard, what are you doing? Put him down.
- No way, Ken.
You listen to me.
I would like you to take your Dick out of your pants And suck it.
- Leonard, I swear.
You better stop.
- Suplex! - How would you like it If I came in there and threw you around, Leonard? - Ken! Knock it off.
- No, it's him.
Look what he's doing to this boy.
- What? - Careful.
We don't want anybody to get hurt.
- Playing? - No, no, no, just a second ago, I swear he was swinging him And throwing him and shaking him.
- I'm sorry for my mental problems, Ken.
- Leonard? - No, Ken's right.
I'm different, and that's wrong.
- He's a monster.
He manipulates you.
- God darn it.
Come here, Leonard.
- Bye-bye! - Bye.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, look, he's doing what I ask.
In a nice tone of voice, He's doing what I ask.
- He tries to make me look bad.
- Come on, buddy.
- Good-bye, my little friends.
- Bye.
- He just flipped me the bird.
- Stop it, Ken.
- He did! - You're coming off crazy.
You know that? - I'm not crazy.
He's bad.
Why didn't any of you say anything? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Do you have a second? I know you're working out.
- I always got time for you, sugar.
- Thanks.
- Sit down.
- You know, actually this is kind of a serious talk.
- Okay.
Where's Philip? - He's with Leonard.
- Oh, good.
Leonard's great with kids.
- Yeah.
- Come back here! This will go on your evaluation! Stop! - You suck, Ken.
- God damn you! - You know, I didn't want to have This discussion in front of him.
- Discussion? - Yeah, I never want us to fight in front of Philip.
- I don't think we have.
- I've been thinking about it, And I think that you should maybe spend Some more quality time with Philip.
You've set the bar really high now with him.
So it's gonna be up to you To really, you know, meet that expectation.
- What are you what are we talking about here? - We're talking about the family.
- The family? - Yeah.
You, me, and Philip.
- Philip's not our family, Barb.
He's a missing kid.
- Look, Philip may not have Arrived through my vagina, But I believe that he was born in my heart.
- Barb, I'm not ready to adopt a child with you, okay? He's not a stray dog.
He's a human being.
- I think you are ready, though.
I think maybe you're lying to yourself.
I mean, I didn't think I was ready until today.
You don't know until you're there.
I mean, my body is responding, Bruce.
I've I've started lactating.
- Do not put your breast in that boy's mouth.
Do you understand me? Promise me that.
- I'm just gonna go tell him That his daddy's thinking of him.
I just want him to know that.
- I'm not his daddy.
- Okay.
- Wow.
- Did you give Leonard the keys to my car? - Yes, and I told him to stay in the parking lot.
- Yeah, well, I just had to jump through the window of my car And wrestle these away from him.
- Is he okay? - Who cares if he's okay? Look, this is going in the report.
He's never coming back here again.
- Oh, really? Well, I got a little something For the report myself, then.
- What are you gonna put in the report? - Oh, maybe I'll put in the report That, uh, Leonard saved three lives today.
- Oh, how do you figure that? - By maintaining his composure While someone basically carjacked him.
Do you know Barb's lactating, Ken? I got a lot going on.
- So your parents just left you here? - No, I was at the furniture store across the street.
I saw the jumpy house, So I ditched them.
- Oh.
You like to party, Philip? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I can get you all kinds of stuff.
Smoke.
Dope.
Fake id.
Mescaline.
Switchblade.
Girls.
You interested? I don't know.
- Well, we'll feel it out.
- What do you think you're doing? - Getting my buzz on, dickhead.
What does it look like? - Nice language, Leonard Guess what.
That goes on your report.
- You know, Ken, there's something else You should put on your report.
My balls.
- Your days are numbered, Leonard.
- Don't go away mad, Ken.
Just go away.
- You're watching a news six exclusive.
Seven-year-old Philip Turlock has gone missing - This is an interesting development.
Calvin, do me a favor.
You know, I think I cannot be trusted To have that beer near me.
Please empty it in the mop sink in the kitchen.
- There's a sink right here.
- I know.
But use the mop sink.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Hello? Yes, I know who has Philip Turlock.
His name is Ken Fitzgerald.
He is a "a" number one child molester.
He's been bragging all day.
He has knives and sex toys.
It's terrifying.
He calls himself "slippery hands" And "the diddler.
" Of the two, I prefer the diddler.
It's easier to remember.
- What are you doing? - Oh, Leonard wanted to try his hand at stand-up comedy, So I'm setting up a little comedy night tonight.
- No way.
No.
Nobody came to hear that.
- You're unbelievable, Ken.
I suppose mentally handicapped people Don't have a sense of humor, huh? - Okay.
You know what? Fine.
Let him do it.
It'll be a fiasco.
- I was gonna anyways.
- Great.
- Sit down.
Hey, folks.
You're in for a special treat tonight, 'cause it's players comedy night.
I'm gonna introduce you To a very funny comedian, My good cousin, Leonard Lunetti! - Hello, everybody.
Now, don't feel awkward.
Remember, you're not laughing at a retard.
You're laughing at jokes Told by a retard.
I'd like to thank my cousin Brucey And of course my cousin Ken.
Ken's idea of good customer service Is to crawl up your ass And clean out your colon.
When Ken was married, He got quite a lot of pussy.
Unfortunately, he was whipped with most of it.
Karen, what a beast.
She was the most awful woman I have ever met.
Imagine Godzilla, king Kong, And a stinky pussy All wrapped up like a tamale.
- Whoa! - That's enough.
Nobody came to hear your filth.
- Boo! - No.
No, don't be angry with Kenneth.
He's a victim of our media, Which portrays the mentally retarded As cute, cuddly play things.
Fonts of wisdom.
We are no such thing.
We can be very difficult to deal with.
It's not easy being different.
- Which one of you is Ken Fitzgerald? - I am.
- Get over here.
Come on.
So you like little kids, huh? - What? What are you talking about? You abducted Philip Turlock.
- No, no! His parents left him here.
- You snatched him from the furniture store next door.
You're going to jail, buddy.
- Whoa, whoa, guys.
I think this is a misunderstanding.
- You want to go downtown too? - No, I no.
- Mommy! Daddy! - Philip! No! - What is happening? - Barb.
Barb.
- I hope you are not doing this to Ken Just because he is mean to retarded people.
- Come on.
- No! No! - Oh, no.
Don't be rough with him.
Bye, Ken.
- So tell me, Ken, The cops tune you up? That's what we used to do with short-eyes.
- No.
Philip told his parents the truth Before we got to the police station.
- I'll tell you what.
15 minutes in that holding cell And you would have gotten yourself raped.
- Nah.
I don't think they'd be into him.
- No? Why not? - I don't know.
He doesn't look sort of masculine enough.
- Kidding.
- Eh.
- Barb, you okay? - No.
I'm sorry.
I can't talk to you guys.
None of you know what it's like To have lost a child.
- Well, you don't either, really.
- Yeah, why don't you go back to prison And get raped, Ken? - Ooh.
- Barb, how you doing? - Not good.
- Look, I been thinking about this whole kid thing, And maybe it would be fun for us, you know? Look, I got this broure for this organization Where you can sponsor a kid, And all you got to do is order 'em up.
Like, male, female, Africa, Asian, Indigenous, refugee It's kind of like build-a-bear.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna have a child together.
Bruce.
- It's gonna be fun, right? - It's gonna be amazing.
- Yeah.
Go ahead.
Order one up.
- Thank you.
- I'm in.
- Hey, Bruce.
How'd it go with Leonard Down at the bus station? - Ugh.
It was hard saying good-bye to that kid.
- Yeah.
Good guy.
- He's hilarious.
Oh, good news is His supervisor says That he did so well in his visit That he gets regular furloughs From now on every weekend to players.
- That's what I'm talking about.
Great.
- How can that be? We didn't even hand in our evaluations.
I did.
I faxed it in last night.
- What about mine? - I couldn't fax yours in, could I? You were in jail.
Oh, and by theay, Because of the way you behaved Around Leonard this weekend, You can't be in the same room as him when he visits.
- What? - Yep.
It's like a restraining order of some kind.
- Makes sense.
- Yeah.
- You know, Ken is so uptight, He starches his underwear.
That's the only thing that gets stiff Below Ken's waist.
Ken recently had a sexual encounter.
It went something like this.
I'm gonna suck it! I'm gonna suck it! Suck it! Suck my own Dick.
I'm Ken Fitzgerald.
I love to suck my own Dick! - God damn it.