Playing House (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

What do you want to do with all your stuff from China? I don't know.
Maybe we could put this guy in the nursery.
Okay, no way.
This means good luck in Shanghai.
I don't care.
It's gonna give my baby nightmares.
All right.
No, don't worry.
I'm gonna put most of this stuff in storage.
Oh, except this jammer.
Oh, man.
Have you ever seen a more beautifully cut blazer in your entire life? Wow, get up close like Project Runway.
This was personally made for me by a woman at the Xiangyang Road Market who literally had not a tooth.
Well, those are the ones who are best with their fingers.
You know what? She secretly shadowed me every day for two months just to see how I would use it, then she tailor fit it to me the way they made the old samurai swords.
Oh, like Hattori Hanzo in Kill Bill.
Oh, absolutely.
I used to wear this for my most important business negotiations.
It never failed.
You know what else never failed.
Ooh, Emma, it's been quite a while.
No, no, no.
I don't want to see Bosephus.
Say my name again, honey.
It feels good in your lips.
You know what? This was funny in college, but it is not funny anymore.
What do you mean? This is the best thing I ever won at a state fair.
It is not for adult time, so let's put it away.
Hey, you never know when you're gonna need ol' Bosephus to save the day.
No, I don't need him ever to save the day.
Don't you touch me.
Why? You know Bosephus loves you like a father.
Ew! With the belly it's 1,000 times worse! Come here and lemme grab them crawdads.
Gonna get you, girl! Ahh! Gonna get you, girl! - What is wrong with you? - Gotcha, girl! Get away from me! - Oh, man.
- What? Oh, it's the notice for mandatory counseling with Bruce.
When is he just gonna let it go? God, I just wish this whole thing would be over with, you know? - Yeah.
- Go away.
You want me to make him disappear? 'Cause I know a couple guys.
I know people in Shanghai that do things.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Whoo! Zoo, look at you! Zach, I don't often say this, but you look very handsome.
Well, thank you very much.
Everything on my person is from the Banana Republic mad men collection.
Why the fancy duds, don draper? I think of myself more as a male Joan.
Uh-huh.
That makes sense.
And if you must know, I have a date tonight.
You have a what? I have a date tonight.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't tell you because I knew that you get all up in my business.
Hey, you want to shut your mouth for a second? I don't do that.
Do I do that? Look, the real reason I didn't tell you is because I didn't want to break Emma's heart, and I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but I am now a taken man.
- Okay, you will never have this.
- Okay.
Part of my heart will always pump for you, but this will never pump for you.
Well, you know what? I will try and get through it.
I need to know who this woman is.
I want her name.
I want her deets.
I want her stats.
See? You sound like the KGB.
Her name is Cecilia, and we have been dating for the past three months.
Three months? Why haven't I met her yet? Well, even I haven't met her yet, okay? We're engaging in an old-fashioned online courtship.
What website did you guys meet on? "Okstupid"? Nailed it.
No, that's a terrible name.
It's "Luv At First Type.
" Type? Do you know where I can find dad's vintage electric shoe polishing kit? I think it's in the hall closet.
Thank you, Mr.
Draper.
What? Excu - Am I don? - Yes.
Mags, am I a don? I don't like this.
- You need to relax.
- I don't like it.
He's trying to live his life as a grown man, okay? Let him live.
This is how kids meet these days, okay, grandma? You don't need to talk to me about how people meet online.
It's why I'm getting a divorce.
Okay, can you let it be, please? He will be just fine, all right? Now, listen, I got to go to the storage unit.
And I got to call and schedule this counseling session with stupid Bruce.
Just tell her Bruce is a pile of garbage.
That should speed things up.
All right.
Wait, what was that? What was that? There's somebody in here! Sir! Sir! You will not violate me! I will go full Thelma and Louise on your ass! I will shoot you in the penis, sir! Emma.
Emma, it's me.
It's Bruce.
It's Bruce.
It's okay.
- It's just Bruce.
- Bruce! What are you doing in your underwear in a storage unit, man? I'm doing the hot yoga.
I'm doing the hot yoga, you know? Oh, my God.
Are you squatting in here? Oh, come on.
Am I squatting Yeah, I'm Just for a few days.
Please don't say anything to Maggie.
Oh, my God, Bruce.
Buddy, we need to talk.
You're right.
Where are my manners? Can I get you a grilled cheese sandwich? Here, I'm gonna fire up the iron for you.
No, no, no.
Please, please.
Gross.
We're gonna go get some real food.
Come on.
All right, slow down, Bruce.
This isn't the Great Depression.
How long has it been since you've had a meal? I had some pigs-in-a-blanket around 11:30? - So, like, two hours? - Mm.
What is going on with you, man? Why aren't you staying with your mom? She disowned me once I cheated on Maggie, but, you know, we're going to couple's counseling, so we're gonna patch things up, and then I'll move back in.
Oh, my God, Bruce.
Could you just please let it go! I hear you, but to tell you the truth, I'll probably never let it go.
All right, tell you what, Bruce.
I will help you find a place to live.
- Really? - Yep.
But if I agree to do this, you have to drop the couple's counseling with Maggie.
Oh, that's a deal breaker for me.
I'll throw in dessert.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Deal.
How about $500 too? - What? No.
- Just asking.
Hey, why not ask, you know? Mm-mm.
- No, girl.
- Oh, hey, Mags.
Oh, hey! Hey, you.
What's, uh, crappenin'? - Why are you acting so weird? - What do you mean? What were you looking at on that old comput-adora? Just, you know, nothing.
Bunch of porn.
- Yeah? - Porn for women.
- Oh.
- Story-driven porn.
I don't believe you.
I don't think you're gonna look at that right now.
What are you looking at? I need to see what you It's nasty lady porn.
- Were looking at.
- No, ma'am.
It's the baby.
You're hurting the baby! - Oh, don't pull that - You're hurting the baby! Let me see! Is this Zach's online dating account? Maybe a little bit.
Maggie, you cannot be snooping around in your brother's business.
Well, then, he shouldn't have his password for everything be "tornado12345.
" Can you just look at something? I think I found something.
That's Cecilia.
Wait, that's the girl he's dating? And look at this.
Every single photo looks like it was from a professional photo shoot.
Oh, why is she with a vintage bicycle? Come on, with knee socks up to her thighs? I don't need to see that.
- That's too many potted plants.
- That's too many potted plants.
Look at this one.
Sitting who knows where, in a piazza somewhere eating a perfect bagel? Hold on.
Wait a second.
This is very, very familiar.
What, the piazza? No.
I own that sweater.
- Hold on.
- What are you talking about? You remember! That cardigan! The one that you wore to Meredith's rehearsal dinner? Yes, with the jean skirt that made my thighs look wide.
Ugh, I told you not to wear that Jean skirt.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Anthropologie catalog, spring issue.
Boom! Oh, my God.
That's exactly the same photo.
- Look at that.
- That's her.
That's the harvest blossom to-and-fro cardi.
Okay, wait, so whoever this is is just putting up this woman's pictures and pretending to be her so that she can scam Zach, right? Yep.
I don't even know why we're still calling her a "her.
" It's probably a really big fat dude with a tiny inverted wiener.
- Hey, Zoo.
- Hey.
Can we just talk to you for a second? Okay, but I got to run soon.
I made a CD of all of Cecilia's favorite songs to be played during our date.
I'm gonna head over to Rosie's, see if they'll play it.
Zoo, sometimes in this world there are individuals who are maybe not the nicest of people, you know, and they prey on the innocent ones, like you.
And this woman is a dude! All right, we busted him trying to pose as a catalog model.
No, that's Cecilia.
Yeah, I remember this.
She said that Gypsies kept coming into the piazza when they were shooting this.
Wait, you know about this picture? Yeah, of course.
She's a model.
That's how she supports her work with proctors without boarders.
- Oh, come on.
- Proctors without boarders.
What's proctors? It's to protect testing integrity in third-world countries.
Okay, look.
I'm wearing the exact same sweater that she's wearing in the catalog.
No, that's not the same sweater.
- Yes, it is.
- No, 'cause look.
It's smooth and sensual on her.
And yours has shoulder pads and then the weird trunk.
No, these are my shoulders.
Okay, don't you think it's a little odd that all of her profile pics are from a catalog? Hold on.
Did you guys log in to my Luv At First Type account? No! What? - She did.
- Hey! And I said, "don't do it.
It's a violation," is what I said.
Listen, I don't know what that horrible person is up to, but whoever's showing up to Rosie's tonight is not gonna be this gorgeous model.
I see, you don't believe that someone so physically and emotionally spectacular could fall for me.
I just I don't want you to get your feelings hurt, Zoo.
That's all it is.
Don't call me Zoo! My name is Zach! And I am a man! And you're gonna have to reckon with me as someone who has sexual charisma, and if that disturbs you, I apologize.
Zach, we just want to make sure someone doesn't put an inverted wiener inside of you! Well, maybe that's what I want! It's not what I want, but if I did want it, I could have it any day of the week.
Stay out of it.
"This man is a dude.
" What? What did I do? We rehearsed this.
You were supposed to do it - I was playing - With a gentle hand.
Good cop, bad cop.
Here is your fifth refill of half seltzer water, half water.
Thank you.
Sometimes the dynamic of the bubbles is too much for my tongue, and thanks again for letting me play my CD.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't know that Kelsey Grammer did a cover of the rose.
Wait till you hear track six.
Jeremy Renner and Gary Busey doing a duet of "Baby, It's Cold Outside.
" Wow, all right.
Did you want something to eat? What would you recommend as the best appetizer? Well, I like all of them.
Sold.
And could you bring two plates? My date is running a little late, but she is definitely coming.
Okay.
Emma, there is no way that my mom is gonna let me move back in here.
I don't think you know who you're dealing with.
I am a master of the art of negotiation, and I've got my Xiangyang Road blazer on.
Mary Pat won't know what hit her.
I don't know.
She's a real hard-ass.
Bruce, by the end of this conversation, Mary Pat will not only take you back; she'll be cooking you a pot roast with all the fixings, all right? I'm not a big fan of pot roast.
It's very wet.
Will you just shut up and let me close this deal? All right.
You got a minute 29.
Mary Pat, I love that new hairstyle.
Thank you.
I just tell them to give me the Dean Martin.
Well, you got the head shape for it.
- I'll tell you that much.
- Yeah.
Bruce keeps telling me to grow it out.
Which brings me to my next point: I think we can all agree that Bruce here is a piece of garbage.
- Absolutely.
- Hey.
I mean, he's worse than garbage.
You know what he is? You know what he is? He's raw sewage on a hot day.
I think of him as a dirty melted snowman.
Absolutely.
I'm loving that visual.
I don't love I don't love it one bit.
But can I be frank? Can I speak Mano a Mano to you, Mary Pat? I guess so.
Well, this human garbage here, he came out of somewhere, right? You know where he came out of? You.
It's your garbage.
You're responsible for it, and you got to get it off the street.
I don't mean to go all Giuliani on you, but you got to get this garbage off the street! Well, I don't want it.
Of course you don't, but you can't leave it out there to stink up the whole neighborhood.
What would the neighbors say? Fine.
He can move into the garage.
What? Ma, come on! The garage? There's spiders in there.
Uncle Donny died in there! Get out of here! I told you it wouldn't work.
It did work, you dummy! You just couldn't keep your big mouth shut.
God, Bruce, you're like the Exxon Valdez of people.
I've been told that before.
Oh, well, we tried.
Tell Maggie I'll see her on Monday for counseling.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not gonna happen.
Okay, listen, there is no problem that I cannot solve.
All right? I just need some more time.
So you're gonna have to spend another night in the storage unit, all right? That's fine because I fall asleep to the sound of these little pigeons tip-tap-tapping on the - Would you shut your mouth? - Yeah.
Hey, Candy, it's been a rough day at the office.
Can you give me something strong? One mudslide comin' right up.
Thank you.
Hey, have you seen Maggie? She texted me.
I'm supposed to meet her here.
You can put that on my tab, Candy.
What are you doing? This is not good! Hey, keep your voice down.
I don't want Zach to hear us.
Why are you dressed as Bosephus? Zach told me to stay out of it, so the only way to keep an eye on him was through the eyes of Bosephus.
Okay, first of all, you shouldn't be snooping.
Secondly, you are acting insane.
All right, this was funny in college, but this is cray-cray crazy.
You sat right next to me and didn't even know it was me.
Here you go.
Thank ya kindly, Candy.
Ooh, I like that tight top.
It hugs you in all the right places.
- Ew! - Thanks, Maggie.
See? Everybody knows who you are.
Now, come on, let's get the hell out of here.
I'm not going anywhere till I finish my Schlitz.
Hey, don't you drink that! You are pregnant! Come on, it's just apple juice, silly.
Will you put this bandana on? - What? - Put it on your head.
I'm gonna ruin a perfectly good blowout.
Nobody cares.
God.
This is so weird and inappropriate and weird.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
What? Oh, my God.
I was right.
Fat dude.
He probably has an inverted wiener.
Bosephus got this.
No, no, no! Hey, buddy! You better back off, or you're gonna get a mouthful of fist, you hear me? I just wanted to borrow the ketchup.
Oh, my apologies, sir.
Why don't you help yourself to the tomato sauce, and enjoy your fries, friend.
Thank you, sir.
Maggie? Emma? What are you doing here? I wanted to make sure you were okay.
You're spying on me? Yeah, but only to protect you.
I don't need you to protect me! - We found out that there was - Zach? Cecilia.
I am so sorry I'm late.
My elderly neighbor needed a ride to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription.
Oh, my God.
She's even better-looking in glasses.
Are these your friends? Oh, I'd love to meet them.
Why don't you two join us? Oh, no, we couldn't possibly Oh, we'd love to, angel.
My name is Bosephus, and this here is my lover Jandana.
Well Cecilia, why don't you just tell me some more about your beautiful self? You know, I only know what little Zach has told me, and I would love to know what a gorgeous catalog model is doing trolling the Internet for a man.
Okay, that's a very loaded question.
No, come on, I just want to know what a woman with such good top bits is doing on the world wide web.
That don't make no sense, you know? I think they'd be knocking down your door.
"Hello, Cecilia, can I come in? 'Cause you're my type," you know? She don't need to go looking for them.
They lookin' for her.
Okay, this is inappropriate.
I told you who she was.
She's exactly who I said she would be.
- Please.
- Come on! Why are you being so sensitive? Bosephus, honey, we should be gettin' on the get and lettin' these yung'uns get to their minglin'.
Don't rush me, woman! I'm tryin' to finish my Schlitz! I said it over there.
I'm gonna say it again.
I just want to have a goddamn beer.
- Excuse me.
- I work hard! I don't like that attitude.
Well, I don't like your pants.
Okay, anyway, I'm just gettin' started with my friend's new lady here.
Okay, you know what? You're not my friend.
In fact, I'd prefer not to see your face right now.
What did you say to me? You'd prefer not to see my face? Bosephus, we should probably go, you know, and get you home to watch your jag on the VHS.
This is ridiculous! Take that hat off.
Cecilia, I am not Bosephus.
I am Maggie.
I am Zach's sister.
And I am incredibly embarrassed.
It's okay.
I knew that you were a woman.
I was really just trying to be polite, and I know that you're a man.
Wait, what? No, I'm a woman.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is it the shoulders? What are we I think, to be honest, we just saw all those catalog pics on your profile, and I just thought you were just pretending to be somebody that you weren't, you know, and that you were gonna take advantage of my brother.
It's okay.
I have a brother too.
I'm sure he would do the same thing.
Not exactly this same thing.
Well, we're gonna go, and I hope that you guys have a wonderful date and that you will not let any of this reflect poorly on my brother, Zach, because he is an amazing man and, from what I've heard, an incredible lover.
I appreciate the honesty, because up until this point, we've been swimming in lies.
- Come on, em.
Let's go.
- Okay.
Oh, by the way, can I get those knee socks in the store, or do you have to get 'em online? Oh, I'm just a model.
I don't know.
Okay, because I called, and they were like, "it's on back order" Okay.
Sorry.
Nice to meet you.
All right.
What do you think? I think it's amazing! Are you joking me? - Look at this stuff! - Yep.
The scrolls! And I'll tell you what.
My Shoji screen does a good job of covering up that closet that goes to nowhere.
I love all this oriental stuff.
All right, that's a bit racist.
Now, the first month's rent is paid, but when you get your next construction gig, you're gonna pay me back, deal? - Deal.
- All right.
This is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
Okay.
All right.
I want to leave.
Oh, God.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You know I still hate you, right? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
Oh! Hey, you doin' a little jig on my cervix? Settle down now.
Don't worry.
I'm fine.
Oh, my God, Zach! I just need fluids.
What happened to you? Ugh, chicken broth.
Oh, that's chicken broth.
That's chicken broth.
Are you okay? Do you want some water? I'm fine.
I need to resalinate.
What happened to you? - Cecilia.
- Oh, I knew it! Where is she? I'll cut a bitch.
I'll cut her! Last night, after some pretty intense heavy-petting which, charade or no charade, she was definitely into Skip to the next part.
Next thing I know, she's ransacking me.
She takes out my wallet.
She takes everything out of it She took all your money? Yeah, and she kicked me into a drainage ditch.
Okay, that's it.
I'm on her! Gonna get the police, the FBI, whoever else I'll round 'em up, and we'll take care of this harlot.
No need.
My car broke down outside of Norwich, and the police arrested her.
Apparently she does this all the time.
What? Yeah, it's beautiful women who give the Internet a bad name.
I'm sorry.
That is horrible.
That sounds like the worst.
It was literally the best night of my life.
What? I feel aflame with passion and danger and anger and resentment but also joy and gratitude.
Hey, buddy, I want to apologize for my behavior, my erratic behavior last night.
That was not cool and also a little mentally unstable.
Yes, it was.
You know, I just I think ever since mom and dad died, I just I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
And I appreciate that, you looking out for me, but you're gonna have another little weirdo to look out for soon.
Yeah.
I know, Zach.
You can call me Zoo, Magpie.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You're gonna be such a great mom.
Thanks, buddy.
Just don't dress up like a crazy trucker and stalk your daughter when she starts dating.
I can't promise that.
Lang-dang, diggy-diggy.
- No.
- Whoo! Hey, what do you say we hit the lake and set everything on fire? Set a lake on fire? Whoo, yeah! Whoo! Herein lies the problem.
Ugh! Terrible.
Maggie, it's time.
You know, it's weird.
There's a part of me that's gonna miss good ol' Bosephus.
Are you sure you want to do this? I've got to.
Bosephus is just simply too powerful.
Stop.
Shh.
Whoa.
What? Come on.
- Wait.
- Get serious.
Oh, my God.
Bruce is dropping his request for couple's counseling.
Wow, I wonder why he would do that.
I don't know.
Maybe he's growing up a little.
Mm, I don't think that's it, but Well, can't burn this now 'cause it's time to celebrate! Now come on down! - No! No! No! - Dance girl, dance! No! Bosephus! No! It's okay.
It's okay.
He's gone now.
Bosephus is dead.
He was my everything! He's dead now.
He can't hurt us anymore.
Except he's inside of me.
He's still inside of me! - I'm going to bed.
- Whoo! Girl, come on and party with the crawdads! Come on down the crick! Grab a cold one and jump in the fire with ol' Bosephus!