Portlandia (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

This year the unemployment rate in Portland hit 12%.
That's one in eight.
Two in sixteen.
Seven and fifty-six.
Every politician has a plan, but nothing seems to work.
Work.
We need to work.
Work.
Work.
Work.
We need to work.
But now there's hope.
Imagine a Portland with 100% employment.
One hundred percent employment.
Employment.
A Portland where we all have jobs completing each other's sentences.
Sentences.
Some of us get paid to start a sentence.
And the others get paid to finish it.
Get paid to finish it.
To finish it.
Kids.
Couples.
Grandfathers.
Musicians.
Cyclists.
Artists.
Stupid-heads.
Crumbums.
Dweebs.
Sluts.
Sluts.
Soccer cousins.
Soccer cousins.
Idiots.
People who are not good at r-reading.
Not good at r-reading.
Everyone paid to be in a commercial where all we have where all we have to do is com plete each other's sent ences.
Complete each other's sentences.
Complete each other's sentences.
Complete each other's sentences.
Complete each other's complete each other's no.
I don't need to do that.
You just have to complete the sentence, sir.
I don't have to complete anything.
I'll give you $500.
Finish your own sentence.
Ah, damn it.
Maybe I'll get a little bit of some of that cake.
Those look good.
I think I'll get a bagel.
Ah, you know, you can get it with cream cheese in it.
Hey, Fred! Carrie! I think I'll get one of those.
Hey, Fred.
Hi.
Hey, how are you? How are you? Hi, Mr.
mayor.
Hey, I just got back from Baltimore.
Great that's a great city.
It's a great city.
Mayor Rawlings-Blake took me to an orioles baseball game.
Unbelievable! What did he say? A baseball game? He said baseball.
That's so great.
That's great.
Wow! Congratulations.
Yeah, great.
Hey, you know what we need in this city? A baseball team.
Oh hi.
A major league baseball team.
Great.
We should t one.
Yeah, go for it.
I want you guys to help me put it together.
Wait, Fred and I? Us? Yeah, I trust you.
You guys know what Portland needs.
We don't know anything about how well, when I saw you, it just hit me, and I thought, "yes.
" I saw the baseball game in Baltimore, I thought of you guys, and it was like here we are again.
It's perfect.
Yeah yeah.
Right sure.
And I think we-we communicate well together.
Heather, can I get a bagel? I mean, don't you think we communicate well together? Yeah.
Look at us look at us.
Then let's do this.
All right.
Thanks, Heather.
All right.
Thank you, mayor.
Bye.
How are we gonna do that? I have no idea.
I mean, I don't even know where to start.
That's like super tall order.
Yeah.
We could do it, I guess.
Oh, Fred Carrie.
I just thought of the name for the team.
The Portland thinkers.
Wow, clever.
That's great.
Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Hey.
We need to find some athletes.
So you've got to go out and find out what's who's out there.
For baseball.
Oh, yeah.
Can they hit, catch hit, catch, throw, yeah.
And it doesn't matter right or left.
Okay, male? Right? That's what the mayor says.
Males, okay.
It's got to be dudes, huh? Can I get a bagel, Heather? Okay, good.
I'm on it.
And I noticed, when I was watchin' the game, a lot of standing around.
Good standers.
Okay.
Good standers.
Bus stops and stuff.
Yes! Atm lines.
Yeah, yeah.
Good good yes.
Heather, could I get a bagel? Thanks, Heather this is great.
Okay.
All right.
You guys are gonna be great.
Oh, so we're doing it? I'm so excited.
It's on.
Come by the office next week.
Oh, we'll do that.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you, mayor.
See you later.
Bye.
How are we gonna do that? I don't know.
Hi, can we have some warm water, please? Hello, I'm Robert Wilson.
These are my handcrafted, these are my handcrafted, handmade light bulbs.
The glass I use is very brittle.
You got to be real careful when you screw them in.
You might ask yourself, why buy handcrafted light bulbs? Is it the price? No these are $68 each.
Will they last forever? Is that why they're so expensive? No, they burn out after a couple of days.
A couple of days.
I ordered Robert's artisanal light bulbs about 14 months ago, and they have yet to arrive.
And they have yet to arrive.
I know it takes a very long time to get them just right, but my eyes have adjusted.
I don't always predict this, ah, flickering.
It should be a little bit more of one flash of light.
I have one employee.
That's D'arbie.
She's wonderful.
She's wonderful.
Are you sick? Do you wanna go home? Do you wanna go home? On her first day she got sick, and she stayed sick.
So D'arbie's had a cold for about five years.
D'arbie, I think the-the mucus affects I sent Robert a few emails, ah, over the course of the last year.
He hasn't returned my emails.
I don't know if he's on email.
He might be against email.
This one's green.
A little more green than I wanted it to be.
In fact, I wanted it to be a kind of orange, but, um, some mistakes were made.
How's it going, d'arbie? I specifically said, "okay, "just get the orange glass.
" And it's kind of more important to me.
Are you talking about me right now? These wonderful bulbs that we make from hand.
I feel like she's more concerned with working at a cool place.
Are you talking about me? I-I'll finish those, d'arbie.
You know, when I first started, one of the first ones I made you all right? You're still sick? What did you say about me? Okay, you'll be all right.
That's like the third time she's done that this week.
"Don't run up "those damn stairs.
" "Her feet were "clipping and clopping "clipping and clopping "and stomping around.
"Please, Margaret, don't.
"Don't run up "those damn stairs.
" "You keep running up "those stairs, "and it is driving me bananas.
" Margaret is cadence's parent.
"There's a toe "circling a moon.
"The toe is wearing a ring.
"I was part woman, part woman.
" "Me, noodle and critter "were all at heart tart.
"Basket was gonna be there "so I wore something sexy.
"My leg tattoos were showing, "which was something basket "always loved about me.
"'I want to feel your pedals, ' "she would say, "and when we "locked the cats out" hi, can we help you? Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm here for the journaling class? Oh, our journaling class starts at 6:00 P.
M.
I can go is no, no, no.
We'll find you a chair.
Thank you so much.
Ah, we've all already gone.
We've done our journals.
Um, hers was abysmal.
She refuses to contribute anything.
And ours, of course, I think we won this round.
I'm a little nervous 'cause it's my first class, but okay.
"My boyfriend, Chad," s the most amazing boyfriend "that anyone has ever had.
"I'm so in love with him.
"We have just started "our tantric sex experiments, "and he worshipped "my yoni for two hours.
"I have never felt "this good in my entire life.
"Thank you, universe.
" You're thanking the universe for that? Sounds like you-you should thank the online dating service.
Yeah, I feel like it was a brag journal.
And um, what a journal should be is a document of misery.
But if you really feel happy and you really love your boyfriend is it - is it so wrong to-to write that? It is so wrong to write that.
But isn't better to be honest about what you are going through so you're been authentic.
No, there's that old saying, "honesty is not always "the greatest thing to do.
" It should be painted more as, "Chad, what is his problem.
"I just don't get that guy.
" But he always just makes breakfast for both of us.
Like, every morning he makes me breakfast.
Wh-what just to let you know how we're feeling.
We're this close to jumping up on these tables, kicking everything off, throwing pencils in the eyes of everybody here, slapping each other, then me grabbing her hand and slapping everyone's face.
Wow! You want to take these books and just light them on fire.
Why? We're slightly offended at all this.
Slavery of the penis.
Okay.
Um, um, what's your name again? Heather.
Heather.
Let's talk a little bit about, um, your boyfriend, what's his name again? Chad.
Chad.
Well, what would it be like if we heard Chad's journal? You know, Chad's journal would be very like, "I'm a guy, "and today I went down "to the billiards hall.
"And my buddy said, "'hey, did you read the newest 'issue of "playboy"?'" "And he said, 'yeah', "and then we'd go down to the "bowling alley and have beers, "and say, 'why don't we get "'some more tattoos "'all over our necks.
"'Boy, I'm gonna get my wrench "and fix every engine "on the block.
" "Every single car and truck.
" You know what I mean? I mean, guys with trucks, it's like where are they going? What's up? You smell like an antelope.
Um, I do a lot of canning of jams, and I would like to can you.
I'd love to try one of your jams sometime.
Between the two of us, we have four breasts.
Do you know what that means? I think I understand.
I feel like you have a unicorn inside you.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, thank you.
I love unicorns.
I love unicorns.
Their just, um oh, just und it.
Are you all right? Are you all right? I'm so good.
Um, thanks, guys, for coming to the, uh, baseball team tryouts.
Baseball team tryouts.
Portland is trying to put together a national team.
Do your best.
We want to see what you have.
Good luck, gentlemen.
We'll see you on the field.
All right.
Uh, number one.
Who is this guy? What's your name again? Tim.
How did we find you.
I saw an ad.
We assume you saw an ad.
Yep.
What's this? That's, ah It's a baseball.
Yeah, I'm lookin' for a metaphor here.
It's, ah it's, ah this is life.
Let me see you swing without the bat.
I I lose the bat for a minute just drop it.
Let me see you swinwithout it.
Do the sound effect for it.
What-what would that sound like? Whoosh! Back and forth, like I'm sort of at an edit bay.
Whoosh whoosh.
Great.
Go take a break.
Hang out have fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
See you in the showers.
Thanks.
All right.
Number two, please.
Next up, sir, please take the field.
We got a guy on second.
Got a guy on third.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna hit a home run.
You haven't been thrown a pitch yet.
That's what baseball is.
Wait until the ball is thrown.
I'm gonna play the part of a steroid salesman.
Uh-huh.
I wanna see you turn him down.
Hey, you want some steroids? Ah, no.
Come on.
Everyone does it.
Want some steroids? Naw, no, not-not really.
I don't want any.
It's free.
Free? You don't have to pay a dime.
Ah, no.
Nice job, buddy.
Nice job, buddy.
Strong constitution.
Ah, number three step up, please.
You do know in baseball that sometimes it's gonna require stealing, don't you? Do you know this song? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum I don't know the song.
I'm just seeing if you do.
All right next.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, no.
No.
Next.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
You can step up to the plate in a quick manner.
First of all, we like you.
We're just gonna throw a couple of balls at you.
And I'm just gonna be part of the crowd, taunting you.
We want to see if that fazes you at all, okay? Don't take it personally.
You look so stupid out there! You're pathetic! You can't play ball! Um, let's see.
Ah, you're the worst! Or maybe something along the lines of get outta here! That kind of thing.
Next.
Hi.
It says here that you are an office manager at a photography studio.
Is that fun? I bet.
Next.
Ah, turn around to the crowd and say, "I'm gonna "run to first base, "and after that, second base.
"And after that, "you know the rest.
" Just like a little speech like that so we know what's gonna happen once you're out there on the field.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
Can you hear this okay? What ma'am? I'm sorry.
What was that? Thank you very much.
Thanks.
Gentlemen Congratulations.
Your Portland's first national baseball team.
You made the cut.
Ah, let's get in there a little close, you guys.
Tall guys in the back.
Say, "play ball.
" Play ball.
With a hanger steak.
With a hanger steak.
That might be good.
Do we have enough pork belly? Ah, sorry.
Markus and Anna? Oh, hi.
Hi, I'm Keith, from the Portland dining guide.
We were gonna take some-some pictures today.
Is now a good time? Yeah.
Sure yeah.
All right.
Ah, wherever you want to stand, and we'll great.
And we'll snap off a few shots and call it a day.
Okay.
And, here you go.
Okay, interesting.
Let's-let's do another one.
Okay, you don't, uh It's typically not necessary to-to pout.
Okay, we'll be fine.
Okay.
I wonder if we just kinda yeah, what if we were just up a little higher.
All right.
We can maybe get a few of the - of the pots in.
Okay.
Okay.
Keith, check this out.
We're an audience, and we're applauding.
All right, the snow.
Do you like that, Keith? Okay, let's keep going.
A-all right.
I'm gonna tiger towards the camera.
Tiger toward all right.
Are we skinny? Make us look skinnier.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is that cool? That'll be a-a fun littlelooper reel.
Let's try another one.
Make it look like a mirror and I'm putting on lipstick.
I'm just gonna do a line of flour.
I'm totally on coke! She's on coke! Kind of like interviewing her on the news.
So I'll dip the microphone in something like "hey, what do you think?" I don't know! People packing up to go home.
The end of a long day.
Bye, Keith.
I hope we have more customers next week.
What if we're ghosts? Dude, that is intense, so invisible me out.
Do it.
Snap.
Keith, isn't that sexy? Gotcha.
You know what? Let's bring real models.
Oh, yeah Keith hold on.
Our waitresses are really pretty.
Crystal Cora? Do we look like we're the Beatles.
How's this look like? Do you like it? That looks all right, doesn't it? Snap it you have to sna do a little body right here.
Don't use my real body.
You have to promise me not to.
Okay, now the audience is booing us.
What what did we do wrong? Keith, get this, all right? Keith.
Milk all over us.
Do it.
Put it on the cover! What do you think, Keith? Keith.
Keith, did that look good? Does that do you think that could be on a place for the All right.
What time is it? Uh, I don't know.
Uh, I don't know.
It's maybe just around 8:00.
I just when does this thing start? I think it's supposed to start at 8:30? Hurry up.
People are getting ahead of us.
I know, but I don't want them to show anything before 8:15.
Right.
Last time it started at 8:15 right at 8:15.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse us.
Hi, this is usually our spot 'cause we have more stuff.
Yeah, we need like a 20 by 10 area.
Yeah.
Great appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
How many feet you got over there? Ah, I've got about 20.
Why don't you just put it right down there.
Twenty on the diagonal.
Fifteen on the diagonal.
All right, let me stake it.
Great, sweetie.
This we can use here.
You know what? I-I don't like how plain that is.
I'm just gonna drape something over it.
Gotta keep the riff-raff out.
No offense, everybody.
Dave Dave.
We can use this as a shelf.
Good.
This might fall.
Just so you know.
It'll be okay.
It might.
I didn't say it's going to, it just might.
It's weird no one else brought a hot plate.
You don't want broccoli again? No, I definitely want broccoli again.
Okay, 'cause I just brought enough, I think, for at least both of us.
I am gonna make you the salsa that you love.
This look good? Great.
You've done it again.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Young lady, come on in.
The last time we were here, according to my watch, the movie started at 8:30 about well, if it's not completely dark then you can't see.
Just for next time, that's all.
It's just that last-last time it ran a little bit differently.
Yeah.
We were here for the muppet movie.
"Muppets take Manhattan.
" Yeah, that's great.
I think I remember seeing you.
You know, just something to note.
If you're gonna be late put that on your website.
People run their lives around seeing these movies, so just let people know.
Hey, if we have any talkers during the movie, we would just, like, greatly appreciate it, like, not so much.
You know what I mean? I-I mean, I don't care.
It's not me.
It's just like for everybody else, that's all.
To outdoor film.
I can't I'm sorry, can you speak up? We can't hear you.
Next week is what? It's tootsie what? Hi no sound.
No sound.
No sound.
Come on, movie, make it start! Come on, movie, make it start! You-you have a good singing voice you sound great.
You know what? If we leave right now, we could like beat the whole crowd.
Traffic's gonna be crazy.
You're right.
Get outta here? Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry, everybody, if you're trying to watch.
There's the team.
The Portland thinkers.
Yeah.
They have, like, real baseball gloves and bats.
We're playing with the-the diamondbacks, and I think we have the Phillies the following week.
I think they're gonna be ready to go.
And if they don't win, at least we're in there and we're getting some place, and we're representing Portland, and we just gotta figure out how to market this team, and how-how we're gonna sell this to the city.
You know what I'm thinking is, look at that guy holding the bat.
Right.
What if - what if the bat was a little bit of a character, like a mascot? Yeah, you have those great scoreboards with all the lights on 'em, and the bat would come like dancing in dun, dun, dun, dun.
And sing a little song.
They can decide that later.
But I think once we get, ah, someone for first base, we'll know.
This guy could actually be like we could sort of animate him, too.
Yes.
Right? What do you mean animate him? He could be like the nordic batsman.
You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
Roving with the bat.
Then it turns into a bat, and suddenly we start playing.
When during a game? Think about this animated.
Think about these characters.
Batty Batterson.
That's what the bat's called.
That-that's a good name, Batterson.
Right? Yeah.
For what? When would this happen? The mascot.
This is all part of, like, in between all the stuff.
You know, like the game? The game's important.
And that's why I'm saying that-that's why we have to start training them so we know who's gonna be best at what position.
Um, I'm glad you guys are being creative about it, but, like, a bat has nothing to do with Portland.
It's just a stepping off point the bat.
I mean, from there we can go to any number of places around Portland.
Okay, what if there was like a mitt, mitty Mitchell.
What is this for? I love that idea.
For what? Let's just make this show show? We can set it in Portland.
Kids are gonna love it.
I mean, are-are we talkin' about a baseball team? No, no, no.
We've moved beyond the team now.
We're gonna animate each one of the players, and turn it into a whole like a cartoon kind of show.
When? It's something we're we're working on it right now.
Working on it right now.
This is the brainstorm.
This is happening right now.
We're coming up as we think.
I'm thinking of an episode where there's batty Batterson, mitty Mitchell.
Mitty Mitchell, great character.
There's an old, kind of ornery umpire, grumpire.
Grumpy grumpire.
Grumpy grumpire.
This is fantastic.
Who's gonna finance making a cartoon? Cartoons don't cost very much.
Of course, they do.
You must know someone who can draw, right? I mean, you have good artists.
I-I-I do.
I-I-I know this guy, David.
Right? Like think about during the holidays, and the kinds of things you can do during the holidays, right? Thanksgiving would be great.
You could do like a pumpkin logo on one of those.
Yes okay, thank you.
Right.
This animator that you know, I think this could be a very important thing.
This Dave, you said he could really I'm not promising you anything.
Could we get it by Saturday? Why-why don't you guys get some sketches going of this, just some ideas, some characters, and possible situations and bring them to me.
I would love to see some of the stuff that you would create.
I would love to, Mr.
mayor.
I have such a vivid idea of mitty Mitchell in my head right now.
Can I all right.
All right, to batty Batterson.
Yeah.
Batty Batterson.
That's a terrible name by the way.
We're the baseball kids it's Saturday morning we're the baseball kids All day long.
We're the baseball kids it's Saturday morning we're the baseball kids it's Saturday morning