Private Schulz (1981) s01e06 Episode Script

A new record.
The Minister of Housing unveils a plaque to commemorate a magnificent post-war achievement, Britain's 750,000th new house this year.
When the September figures are announced, it will be seen that we have already reached the figure of 750,000 new houses that was the coalition's first target.
Later, the Minister is shown the interiors, and meets some lucky people for whom this splendid flat might become home.
It has hot and cold running water and everything the housewife could want.
Truly, a home for the future.
Post-war Hamburg was no place for a newly released ex- prisoner.
I was flat broke.
All I could truly call my own was the contents of my military kit bag.
I can't do anything with that.
Who wants German uniforms nowadays? But it's hardly been worn.
That's what they all say.
"Please, sir, it wasn't me.
" Look, can't you give me anything for it? I'm broke.
Look, son, I've got all the uniforms I want.
Soft-hearted, that's me.
Can't resist tears.
I've got some shoes, too.
Shoes? Or is it boots? No, they're shoes.
English shoes.
Brogues.
They've had very little wear.
- Almost new.
- Well, they never fitted.
Naturally.
You nicked them.
No, I did not.
I was given them.
Next thing, you'll be telling me you're English.
'Cause these aren't.
Imitation.
And a poor one at that.
Haven't even put "Made in England" on them.
Wait a minute.
Where'd you get these shoes? - This heel's hollow! - The heel's hollow? What is it? What's that? I don't believe it.
It's a map.
It's a map I drew myself.
And that's where I'm going.
Seeing my old map again, it was as though I'd never suffered all the terrible things of the past decade.
Prison, the war, then prison again.
But without money, how was I to get to England? More luck put me in touch with Solly.
Hello, Solly.
Gerhard! You're looking well.
I found him up to his ears in the new German currency.
Homemade, of course, but with enough of the genuine article to stake me against my future fortune on the other side of the Channel.
It was good to be back in England.
Everything seemed so familiar.
I quickly found the old milestone I'd used as a fix point.
But then my map didn't make sense.
The 12 paces I'd measured out in 1940 didn't lead to an overgrown bank.
Someone had erected a public lavatory bang on the spot where I'd buried the canister.
I'm sorry.
I was just looking.
In fact, the whole place seemed to have been developed out of all recognition since I parachuted down in those early days of the war.
There was still a chance I'd made a mistake in the measurement, so I did an exact calculation inside the building.
There was no mistake.
The canister was definitely underneath all that brass and porcelain.
The question now was how to think of a scheme for undermining the building without bringing attention to my activities.
It was no longer a secluded spot.
They'd built a factory, which meant extending the road, and this was obviously where the buses turned round.
But I wasn't going to go home empty- handed.
I'm a stranger here.
All right.
I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find the nearest prison.
There's one seven miles on.
- Next bus from here will take you.
- Thank you.
Gonna give yourself up, are you? I am recruiting for a robbery.
Well, is your room all right, Mr SCHULZ? Yes, thank you, Daisy.
It's very nice.
Doesn't bother you being able to see the prison? No, not a bit.
Well, you can only just see the end of it.
- You're not English, are you? - No.
- You're German, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
You're the first German we've ever had staying here since the war ended.
Well, I don't expect they feel very welcome yet.
It's all over now, isn't it? Can I get you something? Well, I would quite like a coffee, but I'll have a beer.
Are you here on business? A sort of business, yes, Daisy.
What made you come and stay here? Well, I quite like the look of the place.
Wasn't because it was right near a prison, was it? You don't have to worry about me, you know.
You can trust me.
- That's very nice of you.
- My brother did a spell in there.
Well, he's going straight now, of course.
Daisy, do they release somebody from the prison more or less every day? Yeah, usually around midday.
Tell you something else and all.
The first thing they do is come straight in here.
That's partly why I chose this place.
I thought so.
I'm not usually wrong.
Well, your business is your own, isn't it? Hope you have a very nice stay, Mr SCHULZ.
And anything I can do, just let me know.
Thanks.
I hope she's not there.
Nothing much in the papers? No.
Good to be out, eh? - What? - It's all right.
I have been inside myself.
I know how you feel.
Oh.
I saw you come out, and I followed you in here.
I used to do the same thing myself.
Head straight for the nearest pub.
Tastes good, eh? Yeah, tastes very good.
What were you in for? Oh, this and that.
Listen, I would like to talk to you.
- What about? - Ajob.
- Shall I get you another drink? - Oh, yeah.
- It's rum.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Mr SCHULZ.
- Hello, Daisy.
- Did they let anyone out today? - Yes, just as you said.
About 12:30.
And he came straight in here.
I told you.
They all do.
Which one is it? Him.
Oh, my God, that's one of the screws.
- Are you crazy? - What? That's one of the screws going off duty.
Can't you tell the difference? Oh, no.
Listen, give him a rum.
I'm going to my room.
If he asks about a job, tell him that I think that he is unsuitable.
Double whisky and a pint.
And don't fill the glass with froth.
- I know how to pull a pint.
- Well, hurry up.
I'm parched.
A beer, please, Daisy.
Wait your turn, Jimmy.
She's serving me.
Put it on the counter.
I want to see what I'm getting.
Go on, there's a bit more room in there.
All right.
I bet that tastes good.
Are you talking to me, Jimmy? I said I bet that tastes good.
So what if it does? Well, you looked like you needed it.
Get knotted.
He won't have much money in his pocket.
Wait till he finishes.
Buy him another.
- Excuse me.
- Are you following me? No, I was wondering if you would like another drink.
- You don't look like a rozzer.
- Hardly.
I have been inside myself.
I know what it's like.
How did you know I'd been inside? I saw them let you out.
So you have been following me.
You get knotted.
Look, would you like another drink? Listen, Jimmy.
The last time I came out, some Bible basher from a bloody charity, he tried to read me the Ten Commandments.
Well, he didn't turn the pages of his book for months.
I'll tell you what I told him, I'm past salvation.
Well, I'm very pleased to hear it.
Aye.
What's your angle? I would like to buy you another drink.
That's the pint.
And don't you forget the whisky.
Two whiskies and a pint, please, Daisy.
What's he like? It's difficult to tell.
He's a bit aggressive, and he doesn't look too bright.
Well, you're not going to get college graduates coming out of prison, are you? - Does it matter? - No, not much.
Will you bring the pint? My name is SCHULZ.
Gerhard SCHULZ.
Gerhard.
That's not English.
No, it is German.
- How about you? - Stanley Kemp.
It's nice to meet you, Stanley.
I don't like Germans.
Well, there's not a lot I can do about that.
I'm fond of the English.
Very brave people.
I'm not English.
I'm a Scotsman.
You'd never know.
Well, cheers.
Slaandjivaa.
How long were you in for? Who wants to know? I have already told you.
I was inside myself.
What for? It doesn't matter what I was inside for.
It's you that interests me.
And you are drinking my beer.
- What was it? - All right, Jimmy, I get the message.
Fraud.
With violence.
How did you manage that? Forging Cup Final tickets.
Big job.
A lot of money at stake.
A lot of middlemen.
Some of them got their heads kicked in, you know what I mean? It's big money.
You accept a few casualties.
How much was it? After the overheads, printing and suchlike, 600 quid.
Good, eh? How long did you get? Twelve years.
That was in 1939.
Mind you, my sentence was reduced.
Good behaviour.
And that's the only bloody medal I won in the war.
When I think of some of the jobs I could have pulled 'Cause, you know, some blokes I know, they made a fortune in the army.
So you're putting one together, then, are you? - Is it a big one? - A big one.
It's not as big as my job.
A little bigger.
Well, it's all a matter of scale, you know what I mean? How big exactly? £2 million.
No overheads.
Well I haven't done anything quite as big as that before.
What is it? A bank? A bullion job? Ach, away with you.
You must think I'm soft in the head.
Two million quid, you dumb-witted Kraut.
I should plaster your face all over the ceiling, only I can't be bothered.
Now just you listen to me for a second.
If you don't want it, thousands do.
You understand? Just don't ask questions.
Just thank your lucky stars that you walked out of prison into this pub.
You either want in or out.
If you want out, I'll go somewhere else.
No, I don't, Jimmy.
I don't.
I didn't mean it.
Honest.
Here, have a cigarette.
What are you interested in? I need some help to get it.
Nothing skilled, nothing professional.
Just honest labour.
Well, almost honest.
My God, I thought you would have been wanting tanks.
Where is the money? I give you the details when you get the labour.
If you do this right, Stanley, you will never have to work again for the rest of your life.
You know, when you've gone through that door, I won't know whether I've been dreaming or not.
Two million quid.
You sure he said a million quid? Give or take a pound or two, aye.
You mean we don't have to knock over a bank or cosh anyone? When we've done this job, Melvyn, you'll be able to employ people to cosh.
You must have got it wrong, Stanley.
A million quid? Never.
Are you calling me a liar? - No.
- Well, shut your face, then.
If you ask me, the whole thing is a practical joke.
Practical joke, eh? And remember, he may be a Kraut, but he can understand every word you say.
A Kraut? A German, Melvyn.
Adolf Hitler.
Remember? Bang, bang, you're dead? Aye.
Well, you found it.
Well, it was not that difficult.
Come on in.
The lads are in the front room.
They're fair dying to meet you.
Lads, this is Mr SCHULZ.
This is Harry.
He's the muscle.
- How do you do? - Hello.
Fred.
What Fred doesn't know about motorcars isn't worth knowing.
Never paid for one in your life, have you, Fred? Never had enough money.
Melvyn.
He's my wife's brother.
He's got a wee cough, you know? Sit down, Gerhard.
Make yourself at home.
Shove up a bit there, Melvyn.
Now, I want to make one thing clear from the start.
Mr SCHULZ here is a Kraut.
But we don't hold that against him, do we, Harry? We have got nothing against Germans, Stanley.
My old man did a stretch in Hamburg.
Said he'd go back there any time.
See what I mean? These lads are completely without prejudice.
And as for me, anyone who's had a go at the English is a friend of mine.
I hate the bastards.
- Hear, hear! - They kept me out of the war.
He said one million quid.
Is that right? Well, there's bound to be overheads, Jimmy.
Well, where is it, then? It is buried somewhere.
How did it come to be there? Well, that's a long story.
You must understand that I am trusting you with my life.
Shut up.
Your life couldn't be in better hands, could it, Harry? No, definitely not.
Give the man a drink.
Cheers! No hard feelings, see? Well, naturally, being a German, I of course was on the other side.
He had no choice, had he? Course not.
A lot of people did it.
Hey, poor Melvyn here, you know, he spent six years as a prisoner of war.
Oh, really? Whereabouts? Aldershot.
Go on, Gerhard, tell us about the money.
Well, you must understand, of course, that I was not an ordinary soldier.
I Oh, well, we've got nothing against the Gestapo, Jimmy.
That's your affair.
I was not in the Gestapo.
I was a secret agent.
A spy? Yes, a sort of a spy.
You see, in 1940, I was dropped into Southern England with a canister containing two million pound notes, and I had instructions to finance and organise a whole network of sabotage.
Two million? Here! I thought you said one million? One million, two million.
What difference does it make? It's a lot of money whichever way you count it.
It makes a bloody big difference.
- How much was it? - Well, to be exact, it is 1,950,000.
In £5 notes.
You see? I only rounded it down.
Stanley, me and the others wouldn't like to get the idea that you were trying to do us out of our fair shares.
- How much was it? - It's what he said, right enough.
But there will be overheads, Harry.
Be fair.
You see, I took 50,000, which is what I thought I would require, and I buried the rest.
And, naturally, I made a map.
It was my bank, and I intended to go back there and take whatever I needed from time to time.
What happened? - Well, it all went wrong.
I was double-crossed on the first day.
I had to get out fast.
So I buried the canister with all the money in it.
Why don't you just go back and dig it up? Well, you see, this I cannot do because they have now built on it.
Built what? A public lavatory.
No nutcase would say that, Harry.
He's telling the truth, right enough.
I've never heard of anyone robbing a lavatory before.
I mean, how do you do it? You just can't go and knock it down, now, can you? I mean, it's not wartime.
We're not Jerrys, you know.
Look, it is quite simple.
All you have to do is to get a pneumatic drill, some shovels, some picks and steal some road signs which say "Urban District Council" or "Road Works" and some such things, and we start digging.
You can't do that.
You just can't go round digging up public lavatories when you feel like it.
Not in this country.
We have got laws against that kind of thing.
Who's to stop you? How do you know when you see a man digging the road that he has authority to dig it? The only people that know are the people at the town hall and the urban surveyors and suchlike.
I mean, by the time they get to hear about it, it will be days.
It will only take us hours.
Cool, eh? It's bloody brilliant.
Trust me, lads, and you'll be rich.
Where is this public lavatory? Well, that, of course, I cannot tell you unless you want in.
And if you do, then we split, 50-50.
All right, lads? - Aye.
It's a deal.
We'll knock off all the equipment, and you take us to it.
Put it there.
You've got a British handshake there, Gerhard.
Our word's our bond, eh, lads? - Right! - Yup.
Could you not have knocked off a better truck than that? It was all I could find.
It would be all the same if you were doing a smash-and-grab job.
Right! Melvyn, get all the stuff off the truck.
Harry, give Fred a hand with the compressor.
I want it over there.
And when you've done that, Fred, give the engine a going over.
- Right.
- Come on, Gerhard.
Let's have a look at it.
I can't believe it.
When I came here in 1940, there was nothing.
Just the road and the bank.
Now they've even built steps going down to the trees.
Aye, well, that's progress for you.
Who would have thought they'd build this in such a place.
If you Jerrys had left the English alone, they would have done this sort of thing all over the country.
A public lavatory in the middle of the woods.
Would you credit it? What are the trees for? Ought to make you wear that permanently.
Just to warn people.
I'm not looking forward to this.
Digging's hard work when you're not used to it.
Three or four feet of digging with two million quid at the bottom, and you call that hard work? If it's there.
It will be, Harry.
Trust me.
Come on, lads.
The compressor's working.
Right, Harry.
Make the drill hole there.
Make the drill hole there.
You can shovel that out now.
There's no sign of it.
Just keep digging.
Where's Melvyn? He's supposed to be helping.
Come on, Melvyn.
Get shovelling.
There's a hell of a lot of earth there.
Somebody's going to have to move that in a minute.
Why don't you do it yourself? What's going on? It's the drains.
Drains are playing up again.
Can't you smell them? No, I can't.
You must have a cold, mate.
Out of order.
Drains or something.
Drains, is it? Yes.
Drains.
Going down a bit for drains, aren't you? Are you an expert on drains, Officer? Not an expert, no.
Who are you? I work for the borough surveyor's office.
I laid these drains.
Oh, well.
I'll bow to your superior knowledge.
Have you dug that this morning? Of course we have.
Of course.
You certainly don't waste much time.
Well, I'd better get moving.
My wife left dinner on the stove, steak and kidney pudding.
Morning.
Bloody clever, aren't you? I have had to be.
Aye.
But where is it? They're down nearly four feet and there's no sign of it.
It is there.
Please, keep digging.
It had better be there, Jimmy.
We are digging in the wrong place.
What did you say? We are digging in the wrong place.
It was - Just a mistake.
- A mistake? Look at my hands.
But it is a quite natural mistake.
You see, they have widened the road.
I have just noticed it.
Well, what of it? Well, it means that they have moved the milestone.
They have moved it about two paces.
It means that my measurements are wrong.
The canister must be about two metres in that direction.
That means it's under the bloody road.
Yes, the road that they have built for the buses.
Yes.
Under the road! I've had it.
I'm out.
One out, all out.
You mean you expect us to start digging up the bloody road now? We can reach it from here.
We go down about half a metre, and then we make a tunnel under the basin.
For God's sake, it's worth it, isn't it? You can't just give up because it is not underneath your feet.
Just remember, it's these lads that are doing the digging.
They don't like digging.
I don't like shovelling that bloody earth onto the lorry.
If we don't find anything, we're going to put the drill to your head and start it going.
Okay? Leave off, Stanley, for God's sake.
You might like to know there's still no sign of it.
If you are right, and they've moved that milestone, how can you be sure they haven't moved it 100 yards in any direction? I've finished with the engine.
It should be all right now.
Oh, that's awfully good, Fred.
That means you can do a bit of shovelling for a change.
I'm gonna have a wee break.
Awfully careless, leaving the key in the truck.
I mean, that's how we got this one in the first place.
Give us a torch.
There's something there.
Away with you, Harry.
It's just another drain.
It doesn't look like a drain.
It looks more like a bomb.
Let me look at it.
Well? That is it.
Are you sure? - Positive.
- Here, let me have a look.
There's two million quid in that hole.
Have you found something? We have found the broken drain.
You're the best bunch of workmen I've ever seen.
Well, I'll be going.
The wife's got tea on the stove.
Sausage and mash.
That copper doesn't half lead an exciting life.
Well, they found the drain.
Drain? The broken drain.
Oh, that one.
Fine bunch of mates you got in there, son.
A credit to the country.
Well, thanks, sir.
I'll tell them.
It's coming.
Go easy, please.
Don't wrench it.
- Please, don't! - What do you mean, take it easy? - It's not going to explode, is it? - Yes, it might.
What? Look, get out of the hole.
I'll handle it myself.
Give it here.
Give it here.
What's happening? - Get me the hammer and chisel.
Please! You must not do that.
- Don't do that.
- You get knotted.
It's an explosive device.
You will blast us all to bits.
Who are you kidding? Look, it is true.
Let me do it.
I can twist off the mechanism.
You don't expect me to fall for that one, do you, Jimmy? - I'll do it! - Maybe he's right, Stan.
Let him do it.
What difference does it make? I'll do it.
No bloody Kraut tells me what to do.
Listen, you are a very foolish man.
You are about to blow yourself to bits.
But more important, you are about to blow up almost £2 million.
I shall wait outside.
Explosive device! Do you want a hand? All right.
You open it.
Gentlemen, now we are rich.
By Jesus.
Blimey.
That's a lot.
Look, we'd better not hang about here.
No point staying here unnecessarily.
That's English money.
We can't let no Kraut steal English money.
But we made a deal.
50-50.
There was nothing in writing.
An Englishman's word is his bond.
I'm not English.
Neither is Harry.
Certainly not.
I've never heard anything like that before.
- Have you, Harry? - Never.
Listen, Jimmy.
We'll do you a favour.
You're a war criminal.
But we'll give you five minutes before we call the police.
Let's split it five ways.
No, Jimmy.
Four ways! This'll pay for some of the damage you did.
But I didn't cause any damage.
Oh, no? What about Coventry? Exactly.
What about Coventry? I had an aunt there.
This is reparations.
Aye.
Reparations.
Lads, I'm going to buy you all a drink.
Why don't we buy the pub? Then we don't have to pay for the drink.
Hey! Could have got yourself killed doing that.
Damned thieving, double-crossing bastard! Go after him! Go after him! Oi.
You can't bring that thing on here.
But I will pay for it.
Well, I'll have to charge it as an adult.
I'll kill him.
I'll bloody kill him.
Why can I not get this thing to go any faster? Can you not go any faster? Faster? No, we're ahead of schedule.
Shouldn't even be here yet.
I don't think you'd have got there any sooner if you'd waited longer at the bus stop.
Had we arrived on time, but much later than we have, and gone a lot faster than we did, because you wouldn't.
I keep explaining that to people, but they can never grasp it.
I've got him.
I've got him.
Why the hell are we stopping? I've got my foot powered down on the floor.
It's the carburettor.
Fred said he would fix it.
Why have we stopped? Oh, let me get out.
Let me get out! Stop! Hey, stop! He's a good runner at that, though.
Got very nice action.
I used to do a bit of it myself.
I was Maidstone And District Bus Company Cross-Country Champion for two years running.
Now, let's have a look at that engine, otherwise we'll be here all day.
Wait, you stupid sod! Wait! Hey! You haven't even passed your test! Wait! Stop! I said, stop! Are you all right? Move.
Move it.
Faster.
Faster.
Next stop, Esplanade.
It's hotting up.
I don't care if it bloody explodes.
Keep going.
Here, you wanted the station.
This is the beach.
But I cannot wait.
- What the hell's happening now? - It stopped.
It'll have to cool down.
Oh, for God's sake.
He's a miracle.
A bloody miracle.
Oh, he's better than zatopek.
Excuse me.
Get the hell out of my route! Get out of my way! I'm gonna smash your head in.
I wish you would.
You would be doing me an enormous favour.
You.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? You look wonderful.
Amazing.
So do you.
You've obviously done well.
Yes.
Yes, and, um How are things with you? Oh, me.
I've just finished a big business deal in England.
Very big.
I'm glad.
It's lovely that we've both done so well.
Well, I just can't get over seeing you here.
Are you married? Oh, good heavens, no.
I'm much too busy for all that.
Are you? Oh, yes.
Yes.
He's an industrialist.
He's in Brazil at the moment.
I'm travelling with his mother.
We've been staying with Lord and Lady Sherbourne, old friends of the family.
Sounds nice.
Well, I must be going.
We'll soon be in Cuxhaven.
It's lovely to see you again.
You, too.
You do look wonderful.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
It took you long enough.
I'm sorry, Frau Ehrlich, I ran into an old friend.
Where are my pills? I'm afraid I forgot them, Frau Ehrlich.
Well, you'd better go back to the cabin and bring them.
I don't pay you to stand gossiping with friends.
Let me go! All right.
It's not my coat, it's hers.
And she's not my mother-in-law, she's my employer, and she pays me very well.
- Bertha! - I'm a lady's companion.
And I have a room to myself.
Would you buy me a drink? And every Sunday off - What did you say? - I'm broke.
I could do with a drink.
Please.
What made you follow me? The perfume.
That cheap scent.
It didn't go with the coat.
Why did you believe me? You looked so prosperous.
It was just the cigar.
But you look like a million.
It was just the coat.
A cigar and a fur coat.
It's amazing the confidence they inspire in people.
We'd make a great team, you know, Bertha? For what? Oh, I'd think of something.
My head's teeming with ideas.
What would you say? I'll tell you what I'd say, Gerhard.
I've saved enough money to buy a little café in Hamburg.
Now, a man about the place would be very welcome.
And if that's what you have in mind, I'd be very agreeable.
Well, that's amazing.
Do you know, that's exactly what I've dreamt of ever since the war? A little café in Hamburg.
Well Was that Was that a proposal? Yes.
I accept.
Unconditionally.
Do you mean to say you'd marry me after Salon Kitty and Yes, of course.
Oh, Gerhard.
Isn't this all the wrong way round? I mean Shouldn't you have asked me? But I just did.
You weren't listening.
I'd better go and take her her pills.
She's going to need them when she hears the news.
Are you really broke? I hate to see a man without money.
Here.
It was given to me by Lady Sherbourne.
You can have it.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Your change.