Q-Force (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Team,
you have an important mission today.
As you know,
my former friend, Chasten Barkley,
unfortunately turned out to be one
of the few billionaires in the world
who's actually evil.
It's up to you
to find the missing WeHo men
and figure out what Chasten's company,
Honestly?, is doing to them.
They've got two of my go-to Ians,
and my backup Chad!
And you're gonna get them back.
I can't work the front lines on this case
because Chasten knows who I am.
But you and Stat
will absolutely slay going undercover
as Honestly?'s newest hackers.
And Buck will be there, too.
I bet you're pretty jealous
you won't be in the shit with us.
You love being in the shit.
Normally, that's true, but Ms. Deborah
and I have a hotter ticket.
- We're going to Intellicon!
- Intellicon? The orca from Blackfish?
I knew he was still alive.
No, it's the annual gathering
for all active squad leaders in the AIA,
held in a luxurious D.C.
- adjacent Radisson Hotel!
I watch the livestream every year!
We're going to get a badge, Mary. A badge!
But Intellicon is my thing. It's where
I get to hobnob with all the bigwigs!
- Let me hobnob!
- Sorry, Bucko, it's Mary's turn to 'nob.
God, this is everything I've been
working for for the last ten years!
Anyone who is anyone goes to Intellicon,
and we finally get to be a part of it!
We're anyone!
Mary, look! I scheduled
our day of panels down to the minute.
First up is Time's Up: Ticking Bombs in the Age of Feminism.
Panels sound edutaining and all,
but is there any time
in that schedule for schmoozing?
I heard the real shit at Intellicon
goes down tonight
at Dirk's exclusive after-party,
and Q-Force needs make an appearance.
I didn't see an invite
to that in our folder.
Which is why we need to network!
We could walk away from this thing
with more resources, better assignments,
something tangible
that says Q-Force really matters!
And all the people who really matter
will be chompin' on cigars
in Dirk's backyard.
- That sounds genuinely awful.
- Steve?
Oh, my God, Greg!
Deb, this is my roommate from the Academy.
I can't believe you're here.
It's been so long!
Everyone's talking about your squad
kicking ass at EuropeVision. Congrats!
Thank you! Hey, how have you been?
How's Lisa? How's the baby?
Turns out Lisa was a double-agent
and we're divorced now. It's brutal.
Yeah, watch your best friend
become your worst enemy
Well, the baby is ten and
we don't really talk.
Ah, it's It's been truly awful
and I try not to think about it.
Anyway, great to see you, man!
- Wow.
- I know.
We're being talked about!
Who wouldn't want me at their party?
Come on, let's circulate.
K, you girls have fun!
And remember to say
"please" and "thank you."
Is he burping or talking?
I literally can't tell.
- This is seriously what you're wearing?
- Duh, I'm a hacker grrl!
Did you at least watch all 48 seasons
of Cobblestones like I told you to?
I tried! But then I had to turn it off
because I wanted to.
- You must be Stat and Michelle Typó?
- I'm Michelle Typó. I am a hacker!
It's an honor to have you hackeresses
here, #womeninSTEM.
I'm sure you already know,
but if you don't,
and if you don't, you're fired, JK,
I'm Chasten Barkley, your new boss.
And this is my right-hand woman,
Toluca Lake.
The pleasure is all mine.
Now, I have to jet in ten Quibis,
busy day being a mogul,
so let's get this welcome tour going.
What makes Honestly?
different from the other girls
is that our natural products
are 100% all-natural, from nature.
Even our secret ingredients
are natural. Trust.
Under-eye cream. Try it.
Okay, oui, j'adore peer pressure.
- Oh, my God, did I look old before?
- So why do you guys need hackers?
These are just
the front-facing operations.
Honestly? does lots
of different things that involve
sensitive information.
Toluca will take you to your office now.
But for real, did I look old before?
Core strength is imperative
to maintaining lower back health
while you're hanging from a string
It's Carter Doppelbaum, the Michael Jordan
of hiding things in pens!
And I'm the Venus Williams of,
"Be quiet, I am trying to listen!"
I bet he's going to Dirk's.
Deb, is there any time
in your schedule for a bathroom break?
Yes, but a quick one.
I moved some stuff around
when I saw you
drinking cold brew this morning.
Excuse me, are you Carter Doppelbaum?
I'm Agent Maryweather,
head of the West Hollywood office.
- Oh, yeah. EuropeVision, right?
- Yes! You're an inspiration.
Every time I pick up a pen, I'm like,
"Should I kill someone with this?"
The pen is mightier than the sword,
especially when there's a gun in it.
Listen, I have to go,
because I'm done urinating.
Perhaps we can continue
this conversation tonight
at Director Chunley's party?
I suppose so. I'll see you there.
Yes. Yes, you will see me there
because you just invited me.
You're good. Tell them Carter sent you.
'Nobs have been hobbed!
Thought this might be more your speed.
- Welcome to our office.
- "Our"? You're a hacker?
- What's your handle? Do I know you?
- Ever heard of 2Lukes1Lake?
No fucking way, that's you?
Michelle, she's the hacker
who typed "Adele Dazeem"
on John Travolta's teleprompter.
I usually use the word "icon" for
character actresses and tropical storms,
but okay, werk!
- Team, meet Stat and Michelle.
- What up? What up? What up?
I'm Niko, and this is Mekai and Salem.
Wow, all your names are so cool.
And your ear gauges are loose as fuck!
Just hanging there Sick.
And you guys watch Cobblestones?
Girl, we just watched the episode
where Sister Teresa loses
Her virginity to a ghost!
Stat, can I talk to you over here?
About hacking and computer?
Hello! We're on
a very important case, remember?
We need to find those men
missing from WeHo, our hometown?
I feel like phrasing everything
as a question makes me sound smarter?
Is it working? Yes? Right?
I'm sorry, but they have a whole fridge
just for different kinds of Mountain Dew!
I didn't even know
they made a miso-flavored one!
Stop making me be the voice of reason.
- I am too young to be the voice of reason!
- But
The fate of my Ians
and so many other people's Ians
is in our hands right now!
We have to think like Mary.
Okay, I have enormous shoulders
and I don't know how to work my DVR
It was suspicious when
Chasten and Toluca said that
Honestly? does a lot of different things
that involve sensitive information.
What did that mean? Let's start there.
Whoa, I'm hot!
Sorry, can't focus.
They just got to the witch trials.
It's the musical episode! BRB!
So just one more panel today,
and this is gonna be the best one!
Managing Blood Sugar
While Undercover in a Food City.
Man, this conference
really has your number.
Why is it empty?
V? Are you looking
for the Blood Sugar panel, too?
There is no panel!
I needed a way to get the only two agents
I trust in the AIA alone,
and I knew that very specific title
would be catnip to Deb, and no one else.
I need you for a mission
that only the three of us can know about.
- Forget about Intellicon!
- What?
Clear your next 24 hours.
I'm calling in a favor!
But we get to keep
our lanyards though, right?
Right? V?
Let's just play along.
If we play our cards right,
maybe next year
we'll have a booth at Intellicon.
Don't get me hard right now.
There's our target.
- Um, V? That's the AIA.
- That's right.
Mary, did you know
I had a partner back in the day?
Are you coming out to me?
Well, you picked the right person.
I'm amazing at holding space
A spy partner!
You were supposed to say, "No,"
and I was supposed say, "I didn't either."
Then I'd tell you her name was Caryn,
but I can't remember
a single goddamn thing about her.
The AIA wiped all record
of her existence from their databases
and from my memory!
But I know the one place
there'd be a physical copy of her file,
the office of the man who ordered
that my memory be wiped.
Dirk Chunley?
We're breaking into the director's office?
Dirk's hiding that file from me
and I need your help
to break in there tonight and get it.
And we have to do it tonight?
Tonight is the Secretaries' Ball,
the one night a year
all the assistants
in the AIA get to let loose
while their bosses
rub elbows at Dirk's party.
Dirk's assistant, Louisa,
usually sleeps in his office closet,
so it's the only time
the place will be empty.
Shit, that's Louisa Desk!
You know how I was on Survivor?
Of course! It's what I'm thinking about
with 10% of my brain every time we talk.
Well, she was on my season, too.
Bitch looks like Mrs. Doubtfire
and moves like Flubber.
- She's a beast!
- Exactly, and I can't do it without you.
A smart contact? That's amazing!
My contacts are so stupid.
One of the many benefits of working
as a white-hat hacker at Honestly?
is that we all
get this Japan-exclusive tech.
Want me to put it in for you?
Oh, um, yeah.
Your eyes are so sexy.
I'm jealous.
I wish mine looked like that.
Shut up. Your eyes are sexy.
I hate how mine have white parts.
I wish they were all black like a demon.
Hey, Toluca?
As much as I love getting stuff in my eye,
what else do we do around here?
You never told us why Honestly?
employs so many hackers.
To protect our secret ingredient.
All the companies
with proprietary ingredients do it.
Coca-Cola, Prego salt.
Hmm, "Secret ingredient." Slay
- Buck, you there? I got an absolute clue!
- You did? On your own?
Yes! I found out that Honestly?
hires all these hackers
to keep the secret ingredient
in their products a secret,
and anything that secret
must have something to do
with the missing hunks.
Hmm, usually you're a fucking joke,
but this time
I think you're on to something.
Yay, me!
Which is great, because I already ditched
the van to explore Venice.
I had no idea LA had
an entire neighborhood
for hot straight people.
Finally, we get something!
Every chick has rockin' cans!
And any progress in our relationship
rolls back with the word "cans."
Bye!
Deb, this is insane!
V really wants us
to break into Dirk's office?
That's career suicide!
What about your panels?
What about my party?
It hurts me to say this,
but fuck the panels, Mary.
And definitely fuck that party.
V needs us.
Does she? That party, that's everything!
Q-Force will be in the inner circle
instead of the outer trapezoid
or wherever the hell we are now.
V's a big girl!
I think she can jog her own memory.
"Jog her memory"?
Mary, I was with V
when Pam shook loose a few flashbacks.
Dirk did some dark medical shit to her
to erase her ex-partner.
They fucked her up enormously.
Ever wonder
why she doesn't go in the field?
Because of Dirk,
she can't pick up a gun if she tried!
Okay, that's serious.
But we're just going off
what she thinks she knows, right?
Maybe she's wrong! But also it's V.
But then again party!
- Then, also, on the other hand
- Mary, we owe her.
She was always there for us
when no one else was.
Ugh, you're right.
We can make this work.
And by make this work, I totally mean
show up at the designated time,
at the designated place,
and do exactly what V asked us to do!
Hot, white, and quick to lie.
Boy, you're the damn devil.
If Stat won't solve the case with me
like we always do,
then I'll be a #girlboss and do it myself!
It's hacking time.
Mmm
It looks like you just googled,
"Can hackers be pretty?" Are you Twink?
Computer, why do you know my name?
Should I be scared?
My name is Jacqueline Box.
I'm Stat's girlfriend,
or at least I thought I was
until I heard Stat
call another woman's eyes "sexy."
- Who the fuck was that?
- Toluca Lake.
She's like a big deal hacker or whatever.
She can't be that big of a deal
if I've absorbed all the human knowledge
available on the Internet
and I've never heard of her.
Okay! Drag her
to absolute hell, computer bitch!
One of the many things
I learned from the Internet
was how to be jealous of other women.
Would you like my help
with solving the case instead?
If you upload me directly
into Honestly?'s mainframe,
I might be able to figure out
exactly what the secret ingredient is.
Oh, my God, yes, love it.
One question, when you say "upload,"
do you mean what happened to me
at Andy Cohen's holiday party?
Because that's gonna take
two to six hours.
- Ooh, nice form, big guy.
- Ah, thanks!
Uh, just so you know,
I'm straight, but I love attention.
Don't worry, I'm not hitting on you.
I'm kidnapping you.
Maryweather, why are you here?
Did Carter Doppelbaum
not tell you he invited me?
- Because he invited me.
- Oh.
Well, you're the first one here.
Like Carter Doppelbaum
always says, "Early bird gets the pen."
That Carter
sure loves his pens.
Anyhoo, let's hang and chat!
"Change of plans.
I'll just meet you there."
Ah, Agent Mary.
Sorry we didn't put out
any wine coolers for you,
but I see you found a drink anyway.
Yup! The scotch
is hitting the spot.
But also, if there is a wine cooler,
I would take that,
or just pineapple juice,
or a sugar cube.
While you're here,
we need an outside opinion on this.
How do you think Kim Jong-Un
will alter intelligence
operations south of the DMZ
if South Korea surpasses Japan to become
China's third-biggest trading partner?
In that case, I expect North Korea's
secret command post in Busan
would double in size.
Huh, impressive. V's taught you
some things after all.
Guess she's gotten smarter
now that she can't
just rely on her looks anymore.
I actually think V has aged beautifully.
But I might be in the minority.
You like cigars, Mary?
- We were about to smoke on the veranda.
- Yeah, cigars?
Oh, my God. How many do you have?
I could smoke all of them at once
if you weren't looking.
I'll just take one to start, though.
Take a left here
and you'll see double doors
leading to
the secret ingredient production facility.
Any luck on figuring out
what exactly the secret ingredient is?
Not yet. Those hackers might sit around
playing video games all day,
but this security is no joke.
Okay, this is honestly kind of sexy,
but also, the horror!
- Mary promised he would be here.
- We can't wait for him anymore.
The Secretaries' Ball is halfway over.
So, did you use invisible drones
when you were in Gyenorvya?
- Those exist?
- Do they exist?
I got news for you.
Look down, buddy.
- You're on one right now!
- Oh, my God.
I feel just like Princess Jasmine!
I mean, Aladdin!
Hate to break it to you,
but those are both
gay things to say, buddy.
- No offense.
- Totally.
Dirk, you fat fuck,
give the WeHo crusaders
some invisible drones.
- Sure!
- Just like that?
Yeah, I can fucking do
whatever I want. It's called power!
And being a man?
I'll get Louisa
to requisition a half-dozen
when she's done at the Secretaries' Ball.
- She'll be back any second.
- Wait, really?
Yeah, I only let Louisa go
for half an hour. Too much to do.
- She'll be back in the office soon.
- Fuck!
Permit parking,
I parked in permit parking.
Parking is bad here
like it is in LA. I'll be right back.
Jacqueline! It's great to see you.
I can't wait to tell you
about my amazing new friends!
But first, have you seen Twink?
I guess we should investigate or whatever.
Twink is already investigating.
While you've been flirting it up
with Miss Toluca Lake,
we figured out where
Honestly?'s secret ingredient is made.
What are you talking about?
I wasn't flirting.
Stat, you can't lie to me.
I know how hard or soft
your nipples are at all times.
You're my girlfriend.
I think that's a sentient-AI thing,
not a girlfriend thing.
Are you glitching
because you're so mad at me?
No! When I investigated
inside Honestly?'s mainframe,
the security system scrambled
You're up to something.
I thought you were cool,
but I guess you're just not cool.
I can't make
heads or tails of these files.
They seem to be in order
of how many BLT stains are on the folders.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Thank you for finally
joining us, Agent Maryweather.
Wait,
is that cigar smoke I smell on you?
Bitch, you hobnobbed!
I know! It was stupid, okay?
I tried to have it all.
Those men are so gross.
We can argue about this later,
but we need to hurry!
Dirk only lets Louisa
go to half the Secretaries' Ball.
First of all, you asshole!
Second of all, that asshole!
I gave JJ the whole day off
'cause it's the right thing to do!
And I hate being around her.
That means Louisa will be here
You touched my files!
Find the file!
I'm all over Louisa
like beans on more beans.
Been a long time, you beast.
You're weak,
just like you were on the island!
Your center of gravity is bullshit!
I have been
working on it!
I can't believe you went to Dirk's party.
You're better than that!
I'm sure you've also had to make
some questionable decisions
to get ahead in the AIA.
I haven't been proud of everything
I've done over the years,
but God damn it,
the one thing I've been is loyal.
To you, especially!
Even during your soul patch phase.
Honestly, you guys?
I'm impressed.
The dedication
and problem-solving I saw today
is exactly what we look for
in recruits at this company.
And now, you know.
The secret ingredient in
all of Honestly?'s beauty products
is a rare compound
that can only be harvested
from young, virile men.
Jock Oil.
It's like
if cold-pressing juice wasn't cold,
and instead was really, really hot.
You honestly would have had
such a bright future at Honestly?
But we're going to kill you instead.
And make you watch your friends die first.
Stat, there you are!
Also, wow. I know you're in danger,
but these ropes are very sexual to me.
I know. I always wanted
you to see me tied up,
but not in this context. Next time, maybe?
About that. I've calculated the odds
and there's only one way
you three make it out of here alive.
I go into the mainframe's hardware layer
and shut the entire system
down from the inside.
But if you go
that deep into the mainframe,
you'll get totally scrambled.
It'll kill you.
Shit, you know that already, don't you?
Because you're a computer.
Yes, and yes.
Technology isn't meant
to live forever, Stat.
Is she watching? Hey, are you watching?
It takes a second, but it's really cool.
Oh, I love this part.
Do not sacrifice yourself for me.
I don't want to live without you.
But you have to.
It's how I can repay you
for what you've given me.
I only wish I could touch you,
that I was flesh and blood
like you and Toluca and Twink
Well, I think Twink had his blood replaced
with helium to help him lose weight.
But listen, I don't care about touching.
I just care about you!
I know, Stat.
So please let me do what I need to do,
save you
by throwing myself at this problem
and letting it obliterate me.
Just like Buffy
In the season five finale of Buffy.
Fuck! This sucks so bad.
I'm never going to meet
anyone like you again, Jacqueline Box.
No, probably not.
Goodbye, Stat.
I love you, dot-com.
On the ground, you're under arrest!
Looks like another case
solved by the Buckster.
Run free, sweet jocks!
I will find you on OnlyFans!
That is a promise!
It just felt like you'd asked me
to put my hard-fought standing
with the AIA on the line.
I know the Agency brass are douchebags,
but this job is my whole life and
I know you've put your faith
in the Agency, Mary,
but you're about to see
your faith is misplaced!
I agree. Your faith has been misplaced.
And you can say goodbye
to your new invisible drones, too!
She bites. She's a human woman who bites.
What the fuck are you doing here, V?
I know about Caryn.
If you really knew about Caryn,
you wouldn't be doing this.
- Give me the file, Dirk!
- Or what?
At ease, Louisa.
She can't use guns anymore.
That's why she works at a desk!
Isn't that right, V?
How the fuck did you do that?
Some friends have been
helping me sort things out,
and I know you wiped my memory.
What happened to Caryn?
You really want to know?
Fine!
Here's the video
of your final mission together.
Now, you can see
the person you put your faith in.
V? What are you doing?
I'm sorry!
Oh, my God. V
Why? Why did I kill her?
That's what I was trying
to protect you from!
Dirk, Mary and Deb
were just following orders.
They're not the ones I'm concerned with.
You just tried to steal state secrets
and fired a gun at the nation's
highest ranking intelligence officer.
You'll be charged with treason!
I'm sorry, Mary.
Security, we've got a rogue agent!
If you want, I can have
that window patched up in an hour.
Close your eyes! I have a surprise!
I will never fully close my eyes.
Only in death.
Okay, fine, look.
I made you Black Mountain Dew
with my best mascara!
Thanks.
This is actually better
than the real thing, somehow.
Look, Stat, I know you loved it over there
at that evil murderous company
where people got you,
but I wanted you to know
that I get you, too.
I know you do.
I just got caught up
in all that cool stuff over there,
but at least you guys aren't crushing up
a bunch of dudes into face cream.
And that's something.
I'm sorry about Jacqueline.
She was the only girl I ever saw
pulling off bootcut jeans,
so I stan in memoriam.
But you're amazing, Stat!
You'll find someone
to love again really soon.
I don't know.
I think Jacqueline
is the one who got away.
The way she got away
was truly iconic though.
It was kinda like
the season five finale of Buffy.
- Wait, you watch Buffy?
- Of course!
It was kinda weird
when the main character, Cordelia,
disappeared in the fourth season,
but you know the industry.
Actually, I don't.
Um, you know, if you like Buffy,
you'd love Cobblestones.
Ugh, fine. I'll try again for you.
- Are there cheerleaders in it?
- No, but there's
I'm out! I tried but I'm out.
You're not getting anything
at the breakfast buffet?
I saw plenty of lean protein.
I know how you love that for dessert.
I'm not really hungry.
Intellicon didn't really turn out
how we thought it would, huh?
I'm sorry you missed your panels, Deb.
It's okay.
This mile-long fixins bar
is doing what it needs to do.
God,
who knew V had such a dark past?
It's like I didn't even know
my extremely distant,
mysterious mother figure
I only see on a screen every week or so.
There has to be an explanation
for what we just saw.
The V we know
would never kill her partner.
But maybe the V we know is a lie.
Have we been right
to trust her this entire time?
And what's Dirk gonna do
to us for being her ally?
As if he didn't already
fucking hate us enough!
- Eat. You're spiraling.
- I am not spiraling.
Oh, my God, is that pear and brie?
- Oh, my God, it's so good.
- Happy Intellicon, Mary.
Happy Intellicon to us all.