Reggie Perrin (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

You've got odd shoes on.
Have I? Have a good day at work, love.
I won't.
One, two, three, four, make them wait outside the door.
Five, six, seven, eight, always pays to make them wait.
- Yes? - Morning, Chris.
Ah, morning, Jasmine.
How's the balms and lubricants division? Oh, great.
I'm toying with the idea of a new product.
It's a balm, it's a lotion.
Botion! What do you reckon? Have a think.
I'm worried about Reggie Perrin, he's really stressed.
You know the saying fight fire with fire which doesn't mean I'm going to fire him.
- No, I realise that.
- Or set him on fire.
It means we're going to fight his stress with more stress.
- Is that wise? - Yep.
Well, you're the boss.
Yes, I am.
Come! Oh, sorry.
- No, come in, I'm done here.
- Jasmine.
- Anthony, Steve.
- Jasmine.
- Anthony.
- Chris.
- Steve.
- Chris! - Jasmine.
- Yes? - Bye! - Right.
Chris, we're a bit worried about Reggie Perrin.
Yeah, yesterday he spent an entire hour by the water cooler, and there weren't any cups.
Or water.
We think it's stress.
I'm going to fight fire with fire.
- Good plan! - Great, good idea! - Get out! - OK.
27 minutes late, yeah Are you all set for tonight? Yes, I am, because it's Tu B'Shevat, my favourite of all the Jewish tree festivals.
No, the party.
What party? The office party.
Oh, God, yes.
I'm coming as existential crisis man.
It's not a fancy-dress party.
I know.
I love it, it's a lovely chance to get to know like each other's other halves.
Yes, yes, I know.
Nicola looks forward to it hugely.
It's right up there with her smear test and de-greasing the drive.
I'm sorry, Vicky.
We'll make promise.
Thank you.
I'm certainly looking forward to seeing your other half yet again.
How isBrian? Begins with a B, does it? Jonty? Bernard? Mr Vicky? Haroon? - It's Cliff.
- Cliff! Excuse me.
Hello? Yes, Chris? Um, well, straightaway would suit me.
Oh All right.
He can see me straightaway.
Come in! - Hello, Reggie.
- Hello, Chris.
Take a seat.
Scale of one to ten, how wobbly are you? How wobbly are you, Chris? I don't wobble.
So you're a one.
No, I'm not even a one.
- One is the lowest of the wob - Stop talking! People are saying you're under pressure, so I'm going to give you more pressure.
Right.
You're fighting fire with fire.
I am, yeah.
We need a keynote speaker for tomorrow lunchtime's speech at the British Skin and Health Foundation delegation.
I thought Jurg was doing it.
Jurg hasn't got your way with words, and he hasn't got a wobble that needs steadying.
What's the title? "Men can be beautiful too.
" Well, I'd rather not do the speech, Chris.
Well, you're doing it.
You've got 24 hours to come up with the speech of your life.
Is this too tarty? Too tarty? How does that work? Are you going to introduce me to people properly this time, or leave me trailing behind you like an old turd off the back of a sheep? You said you only wanted to be introduced to people who were handsome or interesting.
No wonder you had a lonely evening.
I'm not saying the people I work with aren't nice or clever or funny or busty - xy - You're sorry.
You expecting anyone? No.
If it's my mother, knock her out and prop her up in the hall while we make an escape.
Hello, Marion.
I could kill the government.
Yes.
You can be annoying.
Evening, Mum.
We're just going out.
No cohesive policy for geriatric care, no strategy to promote respect for older people This wouldn't happen in Italy.
No, no.
Should we look into you moving there? That's all very well.
Nice little basement flat in Venice? You're putting on weight.
You can't go out.
I need someone to whinge to.
Sorry, Marion.
Make yourself at home.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hoover, wash up, take the rubbish out.
Gogglebox had a stroke or some such.
Any chance watching your barracks? I'll perch quietly, no trouble.
We're just going out.
Fine.
Any chance of a smidge of nosh, maybe a splash of Scotch? Er, Godzilla, have you met the Artful Dodger? We've argued every time we've met, including your wedding.
Bust-up about first Gulf War.
I outlined strategic allied thinking, she threw cake at me.
I'm not spending time in the same house with a warmonger.
Never monged a war in my life.
No? Then what are all those precious weapons for, something to polish at the weekend? Security.
Can't defend Queen and country by waving a lettuce at the enemy.
- Cruise missiles are - Ah, Greenham Common.
Protests one thing, lesbian camping holiday quite another.
Who's your partner? Where do you live? How many kids you got and what do you do for a living? Jennifer in Risk Assessment, Bletchley, two, property management.
And, er, what do you do? You know those annoying little labels distick on fruit.
- Yeah.
- You know when you ring up in company and you have to choose between four options, then six options? - Yeah.
- Well, it's my job to scream with irritations every time I come across one of those.
- Does it pay well? - Not really, no.
Swallowed his pan pipes! So, do you bounce into work every day? - Oh, yes, yes.
I'm so up for it, it hurts.
- Oh, gosh! Oh, yes! Is this your girlfriend? Yeah, absolutely.
Sorry, what's her name? What's your name? - Gail! - Gail.
What, you don't know her name? I hide her.
These things look dodgy if you don't have a partner.
I've got her until ten o'clock Then I've got her.
Until midnight.
I'm almost physically excited.
Won't Chris notice that you have the same girlfriend? No.
No, he's not a great noticer.
We may change her cardigan.
Evening, Sarah! - Reggie.
- Chris.
How's tomorrow's speech going? Really well, really well.
Have you finished it? No, I haven't started it yet, but Expecting great things, Reggie.
You deserve great things, Chris.
You'll be showcasing our male grooming range, obviously.
- Oh, God, yes, yes, yes.
- Good-good.
I didn't get where I am today without showcasing our male grooming range.
What? What do you think of Jasmine? I think she's a first-class head of balms and lubricants.
Excuse me, Chris.
Jasmine, you're looking gorgeous.
And so are you, Nicola, equally gorgeous.
Not that it's a gorgeousness competition.
But maybe it should be.
You'd both win.
Shall we go home now? Well, we've only been here eight minutes.
Well, you know, leave them wanting more.
You know, Reggie's just got his vase for being here ten years, I think the excitement's pushed him over the edge.
I wonder what you get twenty years.
Two vases.
And some time alone in a room with a shotgun.
Do you know what I say to people when they ask what my husband does? I tell them that he's a dentist, because it's a little bit less boring.
Oh, I'm sorry, Reggie Fair enough.
Well, at least you've got a partner to be embarrassed about.
Still, enough of my problems.
Well, I'm sure there's someone here who'd have you.
So, remind me how you keep positive.
I suppose I do it by staying nicely superficial.
Right.
I always think happiness is like a cow in a field.
If you look at it too hard, it goes away.
Never thought of it that way before.
It's so important to relax.
Yeah.
And what is relaxation? I always think relaxation's like a snug new bra.
You can't see it, but it feels really nice.
I always think alcohol is like a really strong beverage that affects your behaviour.
But fear not.
With my wellness person hat on You've actually got a hat! I have some of my helpful leaflets to hand out.
I finished this one this morning.
No, don't tell me.
"Binge drinking, who's a naughty boy, then?" No.
"Alcoholism, don't be a silly sausage.
" I'm sorry, Colin, sorry.
Reggie.
So, what are you driving these days? Well, I recently wrote off my Vauxhall Verruca.
Oh, dear.
I treated myself to a Ford Fart.
What kind of mileage are you getting out of her? Oh, Colin, I'm sorry, I need to pretend to need the toilet.
OK, but first, come and meet my wife.
- Is she really your wife? - Yes.
Did you win her in a competition? No.
Ah, you're thinking, how did a boring numbers man like me snap up such a physically-attractive spouse? Yes, I am, yes.
In fact, men over the age of 35 considered very or quite boring by their work colleagues have wives on average 48% more attractive than them.
It was in Statistical Surveys Monthly magazine.
It's a hell of a read.
Yes, yes, I bet it is.
Seven, eight, nine - Ten.
- Bingo! So, what are the odds of your mum having killed my dad? "Yeah, cock up on the staying alive front.
"Any chance spot of funeral?" I'm tired, I'm going to go straight up.
I've got to finish my speech.
Bunkered down in your spare room.
Hope that's all tickety thing, shout if not.
Just foraging for a top-up.
I'll have words with him in the morning.
Where's he gone? Oh, no! Please, just tell me that you were trying on old clothes.
I'm entitled to a sex life.
No, you're not! Not with him! That's incest, isn't it? No, it isn't.
Went rather well, actually.
Considering we're a bit rusty.
You hate everything you each stand for.
Well, we didn't stand for this, so no problem.
He believes in capital punishment for people who don't like the Queen! She'll eat you alive, Dad.
Sounds like fun.
Wait, just wait.
Why are we against this? Because it's creepy.
Why are the wrong people always together? - Hello! - Oh, hello.
So cool.
- Having trouble sleeping.
- Hmm, me too.
Little lady's talking in her sleep.
Quite truculent.
Lots of swearing.
Thought I'd leave her to it.
Right.
The how's your father went very well.
Yes, I heard.
Cock up on the cock up front the third time, but I'm no spring chicken.
Oh, God.
No details.
So that's us fixed.
What's your prob, Reg? You mean apart from running a Saga love hotel? My job is now a mystery to me.
I live in a negative-equity suburban compound.
I think I still love my wife.
She'd rather be with a dentist.
And I caught the other woman I think I love sucking the face of the antichrist.
Well, good luck with that.
Actually the worst thing is, I don't really know what's wrong.
Take it slowly on the path.
Patronising simpleton.
There's nothing wrong with the path.
Just need time to catch you up, run you over.
Steady on, Nicola.
Nothing wrong with being fiercely independent.
Any chance of a packed lunch? No.
I'm only joking, Marion.
Love you dearly.
Well, we're vaguely fond of you.
Hi, darling, aren't you late? Er, yes, I'm going to stay here and finish my speech.
OK.
Bye, love.
Goodbye, then.
I love you, Nicola.
What? Nothing.
27 min Oh, morning, Vicky.
27 minutes late.
Had to wait for wife and ageing shag merchants to leave the house.
Oh, God.
Chris Jackson rang to ask how your speech was going.
Tell him it's still going marvellously well.
Tiny problem with the end.
And, indeed, the middle.
And no beginning.
But nothing to worry about.
Ok.
And while he's there, tell him in world more perfected this one he one abusing his status as boss to seduce Jasmine Strauss when her defences are down.
He'd be sliding down an endless razor blade somewhere in hell with his head lodged up hisarse.
Might that be better coming from you? - I'm going to miss you, Vicky.
- Why, where are you going? Nowhere, but there'll come a time when we no longer work together.
- You didn't like my party dress, did you? - Yes, I did.
You're dumping me for a PA with better colour co-ordination, aren't you? - No, no.
You try looking like a princess on my salary! We're not good at compliments in this country, are we? - Anthony? - Reggie.
- Steve.
Quite.
I just want to say how much I admire your enthusiasm and sort of innocence.
In a cynical world, I find it strangely heart-warming.
It's all you do, isn't it, take the piss? Bastard.
- Sorry, Reggie! - We didn't mean it.
Thank you, Pierre Luigi.
Very powerful, and massively now.
So, when I was headhunted last year, lured away from the animal foodstuffs sector to helm Groomtech, one of the first members of staff I talked to was Reggie Perrin.
He knows everything about the disposable razor, and then some! And then some more after that! And then even more! Reggie Perrin! Men can be beautiful too.
See, our industry works on the assumption that we aren't beautiful in the first place.
We have a growth industry and we're told that we need a growth industry, even though it will destroy the world.
More, more, more.
Bigger lorries driving down wider motorways, carrying an ever increasing amounts of perfumes and aftershaves so that we increasingly believe that we must have really stunk before we used it.
So we don't make people feel good about themselves at all.
And in order to sell more, we have to have more and more choice.
I haven't bought a coffee in 15 years because I can't decide which kind to have.
And there's more rubbish everywhere, there's more car parks so that tourists can park their cars to visit attractions that have been pulled down to make more car parks so that they can park their cars! - Stop talking! - No! This is my turn! What have I done with my life? I've sold razors so that people can shave the stubble off their faces.
And what happens? Next day, it all grows back again! So I've wasted my life! What's it going to say on my gravestone? "Here lies Reginald Perrin.
"He didn't know the names of the flowers or the trees, "but he knew the eyebrow pencil figures for Schleswig-Holstein!" Is there a god? I don't know, but at least I know that I don't know, and that's the point! I believe in not believing! How many wars would have been fought here everybody beleived I must just apologise.
World peace achieved! And, talking about nuns which I wasn't, how many nuns would there be if we all did what the nuns did and renounced sex?! None at all! No nuns! That's what they don't get! I had so much to tell you about life! There we are, there we are.
Goodness me, goodness me.
Right, who's? Someone next? Who's next? No.
No more commuting.
I made this speech today.
Was so important.
I had so many important things to say, to tell people.
I was nervous, I'd had too much to drink.
I cocked up my one big chance.
Goodbye, old Reggie.
Hello, new Reggie.
Oh, why not just end it all? Prove once and for all that I'm not a fraud? Just walk out to sea with my hands raised above my head till finally only two fingers are visible, a last defiant gesture to a hostile world?