Resident Alien (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Resident Alien" Our orders are to find the alien that crashed.
Our orders are to deliver an alien to the general without anyone knowing about it.
He obviously suffers from a case of terra-phobia.
He's dead.
You're a monster.
So, yeah, things are gonna get messy.
She thinks I stole the missing prescription pad.
- Of course she stole it.
- Hey, you guys want some? These are Sam's.
This prescription was written after he died.
- Sam was poisoned.
- Holy shit sticks.
We got ourselves a murder! This paper says you had a baby, and your baby was born on my exact birthday.
You really wanted to protect her? You should have stayed the hell out of her life.
- Probably dating the same guy.
- Shit.
Mm, mm.
I'll bet this one is a phlogiston.
Negative.
The specimen indicated it is volcanic-origin solid-state mineral: in other words, plain, ordinary rock.
You better get my best side.
Come on, let's go take a look.
Danger, Will Robinson, danger.
Whoa.
Danger! Curiosity produce severely burned - Some danger.
- Victor.
- Thursday.
- Endangerment.
Let's get back to camp.
We'll leave our equipment here and come back tomorrow Aw.
Don't worry.
I'll get it going.
- Dad? - Hm? What the? The light's out.
Okay, take that.
Dad? Just one second, baby.
The rain it stopped.
What do you mean, the rain stopped? What a crazy dream.
This female human creature was suffocating me with her sexual organs.
It was so realistic, I can still feel her hot, hammy breath on my face.
I've always loved watching you sleep.
Two, all right.
You can do better than that.
Sorry, I thought you'd catch that.
What? Oh, shoot, oh.
Darling, could you get me some more food coloring? Ooh, get that away from me.
That stuff knocks me out.
Do you want another art walk in Chelsea? Maybe just one little glass.
All right, final thing.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
It's cute, right? No Okay.
If I'm going to kill everyone and get off this rock, I need to fix my ship.
While searching for my device, I've been gathering broken parts from my antigravitation unit.
I only have one part left to find.
They have a term on Earth for a man who works on engines sexy beast.
That's me.
If these humans ever saw me actually flying my spaceship, I'd have women beating me off with a stick.
A few hours ago, fighter pilots in the Strait of Hormuz engaged an unidentified aircraft.
Then it vanished into thin air.
At exactly the same time, I picked up an object over Colorado with exactly the same infrared signature.
There's only one scientific explanation for that teleportation.
Seconds later, it dropped altitude.
I think it crashed somewhere in New Mexico.
"It" meaning what? Little green men? I don't know exactly, but Two things that you just said give me pause.
"Teleportation" and "little green men.
" Technically, you said "little green men.
" No, I completely understand.
This post comes with a lot of pressure, and there's no shame in admitting that.
Do you feel that kind of pressure, lieutenant? Everything closing in, crushing you, choking you.
Uh - right now, yeah, a little.
- There you have it.
I suggest that you're in desperate need of Shall we call it medical leave? Yes, General.
- You were right.
- General? If I knew you were coming, I would have cleaned my car.
The UAP is an alien ship.
You know it.
I know it.
The Navy just admitted it.
But if crash evidence goes up the chain of command, it will be swallowed up into a classified black hole.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
Meanwhile, you are gonna find that ship.
This one's off the books.
Okay, yes, General, I'll do it.
I wasn't asking.
And nobody can know what you're doing nobody.
Oh, that's just my girlfriend.
You don't have to worry about her.
She's not gonna tell anybody.
You don't have a girlfriend anymore.
You just broke up with her over text.
That's kind of rude.
Wait, how did you get my phone? And who are you? Lieutenant, I would like to introduce you to Lisa Casper, your wife.
Hi, sweetie.
You two are gonna find me that ship and whatever was flying it.
Uh, oh, uh Ugh, no, that no.
Uh, somebody? - Jesus.
- It's not my fault.
It's leaking.
Well, It's making coffee.
Move.
You shouldn't have to clean that up.
Get Jay to do it.
Well, Jay is not here, and she won't be coming back for a while.
Because she discovered you lied about birthing her? Yeah, 'cause I lied about birthing her.
Trust me, I'd like to talk to her, but I'm just giving her space for once.
Man, look at this.
See, Liv? I told you their break room was bigger than ours.
Don't make no damn sense.
We got the whole damn town hall over there.
You got one doctor and a few nurses.
We should probably trade kitchens.
It might be a long way to walk to get coffee.
Our coffee maker leaks.
I want one of those Nespresso machines, but sheriff won't let me get one.
Hell no.
Those things freak me out.
I mean, think about it A whole cup of coffee in that tiny little pod? That shit there's gotta be the devil's work.
Can you tell me what you're doing here? We got the results back from Sam's toxicology.
He was poisoned, all right.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Botulinum toxin.
I came here to find out what the doctor knows about it.
Mm, okay, that's simple.
Botulinum toxin is a poison.
People who get botulinum toxin die from "botsalinen tonchin" poisoning.
I might need you to dig a little deeper than that.
Dr.
Vanderspeigle, you are finally off the hook.
The new doctor has arrived.
Why don't you all come on out and meet him? Sorry.
I saw the new doctor, and he is gorgeous.
Ellen, that's inappropriate.
Just as long as he's a good physician.
Doesn't hurt to have something nice to look at for once.
What the hell? Something nice to look at? As far as humans go, I'm handsome.
I'm even what's the modern word for it, ravishing? Everybody, meet the very accomplished Dr.
Ethan Stone, our new full-time doctor.
- Please call me Dr.
Ethan.
- Oh, modest.
This is our head nurse, Asta Twelvetrees.
- Hi.
- And this here is Sheriff Mike Thompson and his deputy, Liv Baker.
Yeah, it's the deputy, not his deputy.
People call me Big Black.
- Yeah, you don't have to - Cool.
Nice to meet you, Big Black.
Finally, somebody who gets it.
You know, problematic.
- Hello, I'm here too.
- Ah, yes, sorry about that.
Dr.
Ethan, this is Dr.
Harry Vanderspeigle, who has been kind enough to hold down the fort until your arrival.
- I've heard great things.
- Really? Who said great things? Well, no one, actually.
I was just being polite.
He has stupid hair.
Listen, I can't tell you how glad we are to have you here.
Let me ask you something.
What you know about botulinum toxin poisoning? Oh, well, it's nasty stuff.
Tragically, I dealt with a lot of botulism during my time with Médecins Sans Frontières Doctors Without Borders.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so used to saying it in French because of all the time I spent in Haiti.
Now I understand "douchebag.
" Let's see, hmmm.
Well, I'm no forensic pathologist, but it looks like the botulism closed his windpipe, and then, judging from the angle of the wounds, the doctor tried to give himself a tracheotomy to save his own life.
Brutal.
- Mm, wow.
- Damn impressive.
I came to that same conclusion - over two weeks ago.
- Oh, see, Sheriff? The answer was staring you right in the face all along.
Oh, yeah.
Why does it smell like burnt coffee in here? They have a broken coffee maker.
Oh, if you want me to, I could take a look.
I'm pretty handy with those things.
So am I.
I already fixed it.
Sorry, she just said it was broken.
Yes, she's talking about a different one that I'm going to fix next.
I am also very handsy.
You should get those coffee pods.
No, we don't need a new one.
As you heard, Harry fixed it.
Seems like everyone likes those pods, Sheriff.
We ain't getting them creepy ass pods, all right? Why don't you just take a damn ouija board into a cemetery? Well, looks like you're making some great progress on the murder here, Sheriff.
Well, now that we got a real man of science here, I expect the dominoes will fall pretty quickly.
Wait, no, you don't need him.
I have something for you.
You should talk to the person who stole the prescription pad.
Someone stole a prescription pad? Mm.
Um, yeah, but I I reported it to the state board, so Wow, well, that is something to look into.
That's a good tip, doc.
Now that I have solved the murder, I'm going to go clean out my desk.
Well, it ain't solved yet, but if some people would tell the sheriff's department everything they know, then maybe we can wrap this thing up pretty quickly.
Like "Law and Order.
" Weird now that I've won, I don't hate the new doctor as much.
People still watch "Law and Order?" I never loved that show.
You son of a bitch! I'm just gathering my things before I leave.
I don't have things.
I just wanted to thank you for everything.
You know, we were in a tough spot, and you really came through.
I did what I had to do.
To not be found out as a human killing machine.
As a thank-you, I want you to have this candle.
I made it myself.
It's kind of a hobby of mine.
It's cinnamon.
Mm, oh.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm supposed to tell you that your son doesn't need to go to the institution.
He's fine, bye.
Um I'm sorry, what are you saying? Your son.
He doesn't have to go.
He's not sick unless being really annoying is a sickness.
Are you saying that you misdiagnosed my son? Whoa, that doesn't sound good.
I'd be happy to offer a second opinion, if you don't mind, Doctor.
No, I don't need your second opinion.
You heard me wrong.
Your boy is very sick.
He needs to go to the institute right away.
I'm a good doctor.
I'm never wrong.
I'm older than you.
Would you like a candle? Look.
I know I come on strong, all right? I radiate power.
I can't help that.
But you're not the only one who loved Sam, all right? He took care of my dad for the last five years.
Now, if there's anything else that you've been keeping to yourself, now is the time to share it.
We're on the same team here, Asta.
Okay, um Okay.
I didn't know that the pad was stolen at first.
I thought maybe Sam took it.
You know, he was gonna write up a script for his insulin.
- Sam was diabetic? - Yeah, but then I found this.
You should talk to the kid that's passing this around.
He goes to the high school.
It was prescribed by Sam days after he died.
Hmm, thank you.
Finally.
No longer trapped in that place.
Freedom feels good.
Stupid thing keeps sliding to the right.
That's a bad design.
Hey, are you leaving without saying goodbye? I would've said good-bye, but I didn't want to I didn't want to.
It's good to see you're still such a huge weirdo.
And your talent for unleashing chaos in my life is strong as ever.
But I think I'm better having known you.
You're weird too.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
Oh, God, your wife is here.
If we run, she can't catch us both.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hello.
Before you start throwing shit, I was just saying good-bye.
Permanent doctor has arrived, so Harry is all yours.
- What? You're free? - Mm-hmm.
You don't have to work anymore? I do have some stuff to do.
Well, thank God I'm here.
I can help you do all of it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Have fun, you two lovebirds.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for letting us talk to him.
Are you sure this is necessary? We just need to ask him a few questions.
He may be a little bit of a stoner, but do you really think he's running some kind of drug ring? Everybody's innocent until proven guilty unless they guilty.
Okay, well Your criminal mastermind is failing my history class, so you can have him for about 10 minutes.
Then I need him back.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, so check it.
Here's the plan.
We're going old school, all right? - A little good cop, bad cop.
- I like that plan.
We're a team like the dynamic duo.
Exactly, and I'll be good cop and bad cop while you wait out here and guard the perimeter.
I like your sweater.
Is that merino? Yeah, thanks.
And your brown shirt, it's nice very norm-core.
I didn't even know I wanted to hear that.
That's good, right? All right, Judy, you're not psychic.
No, I'm telling you Okay, so this one time, I had a dream about a cat.
Right, that's normal, regular, everyday.
I woke up, and the first thing I saw is a cat.
That's psychic.
- But you sleep with your cat.
- Yeah, exactly.
Wait, so you're saying I didn't dream about a cat? Shit.
- Hi, D'arcy.
- Hi.
This is my husband, Harry.
Oh, yeah, you know, we've met actually.
Mm-hmm, he checked my tonsils once.
Oh, I keep forgetting this is a one doctor town.
- You must know everyone here.
- Most everybody.
There's the man who might have cancer.
Barren womb, heart disease guy, pees himself One nut.
Well, I will bring you two a couple of beers when I'm done with Mrs.
Chlamydia over there.
Hey, that's Miss Chlamydia.
I'm not my mother.
Um Harry, I wanted to talk to you about something, and it's actually perfect timing, you getting replaced today.
Let's sell the cabin and go back home to New York.
What? This is fork in the neck.
First of all, I wanna I really wanna thank you for speaking with me, okay? And I wanna remind you, all right, you're not under arrest or anything like that.
You can walk out of that door whenever you want, okay? Just try to think of this like we're just two friends talking, okay? Yeah, I'd be smirking too.
Except there is one small problem.
I ain't your friend! You understand me? I'll come across this desk and smack your ass back to birth, you bitch-ass, shit-nugget junkie! Here you go.
You don't get no damn libation! Boys like you in prison, they call you sweet meat.
What is the difference between Tinder and Grindr? You'd be like a big 'ole ham wrapped in pineapple sitting smack dab in the middle of a ham and pineapple lovers' convention.
I mean, they're pretty much the same thing, right? I really don't know.
Do you swipe left on this thing? Is this how this works? You know if I beat you with a phone book, it don't leave no bruises, right? I don't even know if it's true, and I don't have a phone book.
I see that they are very different Very different.
Couldn't break him.
Damn kid could work for the CIA.
I ain't never seen nothing like it.
They call the dealer "the pharmacist.
" What? Who told you that? A couple of kids.
Nobody knows the dealer's name because distribution is so complex.
You leave money behind the third tile in the handicap bathroom, and then you find a locker combo taped underneath the student of the month board, and, finally, there it is.
It's a prescription written by a dead man.
Okay, now you see why I left you - outside of the door, right? - Mm-hmm.
Thinking, like, six steps ahead.
It's like you're playing chess and the rest of us are playing checkers.
So this pharmacist, this dealer person, right They gotta be an insider to have access like that, right? Huh.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait, don't that girl right there Don't she work at the clinic? Surly-looking one right there.
- Yeah, that's Jay.
- Jay.
Why would Asta leave her off the list of suspects? Maybe because Jay is our insider.
Hm, checker mate.
Or check.
I think going back to New York would be the best thing for you.
- I don't like it there.
- What? Name one thing you didn't love about New York.
9/11.
That.
No matter how many shots you've had, you're not psychic.
Welcome to our little local watering hole, The 59.
Okay.
This is actually the oldest building in Patience.
There's a plaque on the wall.
Yeah, if you don't count indigenous history since before recorded time.
And we will be taking that plaque down.
I actually got to know a lot of the indigenous people of Australia when I rowed crew in Sydney 2000.
- Hm.
- You were in Sydney? I skied Torino in '06.
Really? That's incredible.
This is Ethan, the new doctor.
- Ethan is replacing Harry.
- Well, welcome to Patience.
Wow, check out all the old mining equipment.
Oh, yeah, you're new here, I guess, so to the 59.
To the 59! Trust me, I've done my research.
59 died to save one.
Such an amazing story.
- 60 died.
- What? 59 died to save one, but that one died too, so 60 died, obviously.
Right, Asta? You got him there.
I think Dr.
Ethan was just using the motto to put a positive spin on the tragedy, focusing on the human element.
Human element is that everybody died.
They were crushed to death.
Right, which was actually the town motto before, but we realized it was a very bad motto.
D'arcy is funny.
She was my friend before you met her, so Well, I'm hoping D'arcy and I can become good friends too.
Well, maybe you can both be friends with her.
Ah, shut up.
Let 'em fight.
I'll take whichever one you don't want.
Sorry.
Have to steal my husband.
Let's go home.
Hi, I'm Ethan, the new doctor.
- Ah.
- Harry.
You didn't tell me your wife was so charmante.
Oh, merci.
- Vous parlez français ? - Un peu, oui.
Je suis Isabelle.
Everyone loves him.
How is he doing this? Is it his smile? Is it his eyes? I can almost see his humanity in them.
Oh, no, he is more beautiful than me.
- Time to go, bye.
- So soon? You don't want to get on a horse and joust or arm wrestle or something? Shirts off, shirts off on.
Off maybe 'cause it's hot in here, so Okay.
I think Dr.
Vanderspeigle and I are above chest-thumping displays of male dominance.
Okay.
- I beat my wife.
- What? At arm wrestling.
Sorry, he does have a way with words.
Are you sure you wanna do this, Harry? His smile makes me want to love him and strangle him.
I think he has more teeth than me.
Okay, one foot on the ground at all times.
Back of the hand to the bar is a pin.
Three, two, one, go.
Oh, my shoulder! You dislocated my shoulder! - The 59! - Harry! My God.
Why isn't anyone cheering for me? One nut? Asta, will you help me pop it back in? - Yes, okay.
- Shit.
You ready? One, two, three and Ah! Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm good, I'm good.
- Ethan! Whoo! - Wow.
- Harry, wow! Hello, my pretty wife.
I have coffee just the way you like it with oat milk and conflict-free sugar.
Thank you.
And you made breakfast.
Lucky me.
Mm.
I realized you were right, that me leaving the clinic was the best thing for us.
Good morning, my nice, romantic husband.
- You're back.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
What romantic things will we do with the last bit of time? - We can build a fire inside - Mm.
And then you could remove all of your clothing, including your brassiere, which mocks me.
It so complicates everything.
Once your teats swing free, I will focus on them for arousal, especially the left one.
I will become engorged and stiff.
I will remove my clothing, and then I will mount you, not giving you all my weight, which would tax your haunches.
I will caress your flanks.
I'll thrust.
And then faster.
And then I'll slow down.
Hm, that sounds quite Good night, my sweet hairless monkey.
I'm going to the mountain.
Do not wake up until I get back or ever.
Ugh, shut up.
We get it.
You're birds.
What? Oh, no.
Good morning, Darce.
Morning he.
This whoa.
This is great.
It's all great.
I had a really good time last night.
I know I should probably play it cool, but I think you're kind of awesome.
That is sincere, so sincere.
You made breakfast.
Yeah, just blueberry pancakes, quiche Florentine, fresh OJ, and I was gonna bake bread, but there wasn't enough time.
Well, thanks.
Bye.
Where are all the damn pushpins? Every time I need some damn pushpins, there ain't no damn pushpins.
What the What is wrong around here? Lock me up, throw away the key Ain't nobody else bigger than me I'm a criminal Whoa, I'm a criminal, whoa What are you doing? Nothing.
I was just hanging out in the closet.
Is this did you make your own murder board? No, I wouldn't do that.
This has nothing to do with Sam's murder.
Well, it says "Sam's Murder" right there on the wall.
Oh, that yeah.
That's a murder board.
"Delivery method: insulin?" Well, Asta said Sam was diabetic, so I just thought that I don't know.
- It's stupid.
- No, go on and tell me.
Well, botulinum is injectable, and our current timeline puts the killer at Sam's office on the night of his death.
But maybe, with insulin as the method of delivery, all he or she would need to do is inject the toxin into a single insulin vial and wait for Sam to use it, like a ticking bomb.
See, no, that's stupid.
No, that's not stupid.
It ain't stupid at all.
Good job, Deputy.
Of course, sir.
Good job.
Yeah, good job.
Good job.
Yeah, I'm stuck at The 59 tomorrow, but you're gonna need to release that cornice buildup before the weather turns.
Oh, what the hell? What've you got? It's Harry.
What the hell is he doing? - He's your boyfriend.
- What? I I know you told me not to date him.
The signature is off.
It's not my device.
But it may be The final piece to my ship.
Finally, I can complete Hey, you're not allowed on the glacier! What are you doing? Hello, D'arcy.
I'm just on a completely normal hike.
You can't be up here.
There's crevasses all over the place.
Didn't you see the signs with the little guy falling to his death? That's you.
You're the guy.
All right? What are you doing with your mouth? Do you think I have a good smile? What? Look, your smile's gonna look pretty weird bashed up on the rocks.
I got to fly you out of here.
Let's go.
I mapped the trajectory of the ship's descent.
It has to be here.
It doesn't have to be anything.
It's a goddamn spaceship, and it's not here.
Either the thing moved it, or it was never here to begin with.
Pick up your balls, and let's retrace our steps.
First we found the black disk with the dead hiker here.
Then the bar with the dead cowboy here.
Ah, screw it.
This thing is useless.
Hey! Holy shit.
What the hell are you doing? General, I found it.
- Whoo-hoo! - Yes! Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Hi.
Okay, so don't look now, but Jimmy is over there with some kind of, like, Russian mail-order bride.
Yeah, we think it is a human trafficking, Stockholm syndrome situation, so obviously I'm emailing photos to the FBI.
Well, so what? So Jimmy has a girlfriend.
I am over it.
All right, yeah, just like Vanessa Heidecker sophomore year.
Okay, yeah.
Don't give him the satisfaction.
- Yeah.
- Not on league night.
Unless you want me to throw down, because Liv could hold my earrings.
Then it would be like sophomore year.
I can't assist you in assault anymore.
She has the look of, like, a mole woman, somebody who's been living in a hole.
Plus her name is Becky.
I'm over it, but thank you.
Let's just bowl.
Yeah, good, 'cause I have mommy and me in the morning.
All right.
Three, two, one, destroy! - Yes.
- Great.
Bring it, bring it.
Thank you.
I have to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me.
Okay.
Why did you leave Jay's name off the list you gave us? Oh, yeah, shit.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
She wasn't on there because Look, I swear to you I know Jay, and she's not that kind of kid.
I hear you, but it doesn't look good.
You know, you protecting her, okay? So we're gonna have to bring her in for questioning.
No, no, no, you don't have to do anything.
She's a 17-year-old girl.
She's been through enough.
I'm not saying she did it, but it's just there weren't that many people who had access to Sam's office, and I hate to tell you this, but whoever stole those pads is someone you know, maybe someone you care about.
Yes! Whoo! - What's he doing? - He's dancing with her.
Oh, gross.
Whoo-hoo! Well, if it isn't mother of the year.
- New lady settling the tab? - You notice that? Yeah, I did.
You remember when you used to pick me up after work? Sometimes I was finishing paperwork, and you'd hang out with Sam.
You guys would play gin in his office.
He always used to say you cheated.
Yeah.
He could never prove it, though.
Yeah.
Sam trusted you.
Maybe he left a drawer unlocked when he was going to the bathroom.
Just a prescription pad out on the top of the desk? All you had to do was reach out and take it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes, you do.
I can see it all over your face, and I'm not blind anymore.
Jimmy.
Baby, let's get out of here.
Hi, I'm Becky.
Hey.
Asta.
Hey, Becky.
You're gonna tell your friends that he's different when we're alone, and you're gonna tell yourself that it's your fault, that it's okay because he's just drunk, and deep down he really loves you, but it's not okay.
- It's not okay.
- Let's go.
Human trafficking is a crime.
You run, Becky! Or you call professionals at a helpline that can help you.
- Aww man, it wasn't recording.
- What? Come back.
Can we do that again? I am so close.
Tonight, I will attach this to my ship.
Then I just need to find my device, and, after all these months, I can finally complete my mission.
Then everyone will know I'm better than Ethan.
But everyone will be dead.
How will they know? I have to work on that one.
Harry? What are you doing out here? Coffee? I don't remember the last time I slept the day away like that.
What's wrong with me? Yeah, you look bad.
You must have Colorado Fever.
Yes, yes, you have all of the symptoms.
Never heard of Colorado Fever.
That's one of the symptoms.
You just need a little bit of caffeine.
Maybe.
You know, I didn't know what to expect - when I came here - Mm.
But I never could have guessed you'd be as changed as you are.
You're, like, a different person now Only I don't know who.
Mm.
Drink it up while it's hot.
Big gulps.
Oh, oh, Harry, it's piping hot.
It's better that way.
You should have some.
I will, thank you.
I do really appreciate this.
Mm.
Sorry, I just I'm a bit groggy.
I don't I'm gonna go have a lie down, sip on this.
That is a good idea.
You sip on that.
Thank you.
Where is it? It's right here.
I have not spent decades searching for life on another planet to have you play games with me.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, it took a bit of tinkering, but we finally figured out the ship's cloaking ability - is actually neutralized by - Not now.
Jesus.
Secure the crash site.
- - Whatever creature was piloting the ship will be coming back, and when it does, I want you to bring it back to me.
No matter what it takes.
Zero, this is Alpha-1.
We've got a guest at the party.
Something's wrong.
My ship.
Alpha-1.
This is zero.
Who is this guy? Unidentified.
Should we engage? Roger that.
Move in.
And if he tries to run, kill him.