Review with Forrest Macneil (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Life, it's literally all we have, but is it any good? I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.
I review life itself.
Viva la revolucion! [screams.]
Welcome to Review.
I'm Forrest MacNeil.
As usual, I'll be reviewing whatever experiences you send in that are, in turn, handed off to me by Miss A.
J.
Gibbs.
Let's do it.
Our next email comes to us from Charles in Franklin, Tennessee.
He writes _ Oh, boy.
What's it like to have road rage? [growls.]
Mother[bleep.]
! I had always found driving very relaxing, but I would have to find a way to let other people's driving drive me into a full-on rage.
Get out of my [bleep.]
way.
I gassed up and went searching for automotive outrages.
Okay, the traffic is really heavy over there, so it would be good to get into that, and then there'll be really some things to get mad about.
Dense traffic.
Oh, great.
I'm stuck behind a [bleep.]
What is that, a tractor? Don't drive a tractor on the street in traffic.
Just so I'm clear, it's not illegal to give someone the finger, right? Because I'm thinking of giving someone the finger.
But it's not illegal, right? You don't get arrested for that, do you? No.
Hurry up, grandma! [horn honks.]
They've been doing construction on this street for four months! Enough! I mean it's an important drainage project, I understand that, but it's infuriating.
I don't know if I'm really feeling all the anger I need to here, but I'll try again.
I saw plenty of carelessness, but none of it was harmful to me, personally, until, finally, I got lucky.
What the hell is this? This guy's passing me on a two-lane street.
[horn honks.]
Hey, Jack-whack.
That's for you, the middle finger! Eat it! Oh.
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
It is on.
Come with me.
Road rage in action.
Hey, you don't pass somebody on a two-lane street! That's not safe.
Okay, all right.
Oh, ah, no, never mind.
It's fine.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just didn't think it was safe to go on a pass oh.
Hey, excuse me.
Uh, wait a minute.
Please don't get in my car.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Where you going? Please come back! The cowards who drove off in my car robbed me of the chance to experience a true road rage confrontation.
To do that now, however, I would need another car.
No way.
Nobody touches my wheels.
- Please, just for today.
- Forget it.
The last guy I loaned my car to turned out to be a seat sniffer.
There were pictures of my seat all over the internet.
- No.
- Yeah.
God.
Well, you know I'm not a seat sniffer.
No.
I don't know that.
FYI, I lock my office chair up at night, so don't even think about it.
My secretary had gone insane, but my intern came through.
His only condition was that I give him a lift to doctor's appointment at a marijuana dispensary.
I wasn't in a position to argue.
Oh, don't take the duct tape off the steering column or the steering wheel will come off in your hands.
- Really? - Yep.
Does the horn work? [horn honks.]
Good.
I just bought new belts and got oil for it.
You just put a bunch of money into this car? - Yeah.
- Really? You thought that was a good thing - to do with your money? - totally.
Hey, isn't that your wife? That is my wife.
Who's that guy she's with? I do not know.
That is a good question.
Oh, that's her divorce attorney.
Why do you still need a divorce lawyer, like, after your divorce is done? I don't know.
What if she was [bleep.]
him? [laughs.]
Then their professional relationship would be a blow-fessional fella-tionship.
That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard.
That's, like, the funniest thing I've ever said.
Well, it's disgusting.
Please don't say it again.
Sorry.
Boy, they really are laughing a lot.
Yeah, they're probably laughing about how gigantic his dick is.
[laughs.]
Oh, my God.
She is [bleep.]
her lawyer.
Oh, okay, this business lunch just became a jizz-ness munch.
Shut up! I knew something was happening with them the first time I saw the two of them together.
She is [bleep.]
her divorce attorney! - Are you okay? - No! I now understood that road rage is just like regular rage, except that it usually happens in a car.
It must come from within and I had plenty of it now.
I asked my intern to throw more logs on the raging fire in my heart.
Say more inappropriate things about their sexual relationship.
- I don't want to - Talk about the [bleep.]
jobs and the [bleep.]
.
Do it! Okay, well, they just got together, so - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're probably trying stuff the two of you weren't comfortable doing.
Like, he's putting legal stuff in her butt.
And he's laying her on the ground and then picking her up by her boobs.
Keep going! There's, like, pictures of your kids.
He's making eye contact with the photos while he [bleep.]
her in the butt.
[screams.]
[horn honks.]
Oh, what the that son of a bitch just cut me off! Hey, [bleep.]
you, you piece of [bleep.]
! [tires screech.]
[bleep.]
you! Oh, this is amazing.
Okay, this [bleep.]
is on.
You just [bleep.]
with the wrong guy.
What the [bleep.]
is the matter with you? I've got your back, Mr.
MacNeil.
I'm trying to [bleep.]
drive, here! You blow through that stop sign like that! Don't [bleep.]
do that to people! You got a stop sign, you stop at the [bleep.]
white line! - Mr.
MacNeil! - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Hey, [bleep.]
, it looks like something happened To your [bleep.]
tail light! [glass shatters.]
[laughs.]
- Yeah.
What the [bleep.]
happened To your side-view mirror, [bleep.]
? [glass shatters.]
- [laughs.]
Looks like your blind spot just got a little bigger, [bleep.]
-wit.
What are you gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? You forgot about something.
Oh, you forgot one more thing.
Hey, you ever been in a smash-off? You are now.
Smash-off! [growls.]
No, no, Mr.
MacNeil! no! [growls.]
- No, Mr.
MacNeil! [howls.]
Stop, Mr.
MacNeil! that's my [bleep.]
car! [howls.]
- Please, Mr.
MacNeil! - I Please! - [grunts.]
[bleep.]
stop hitting my car! [roars.]
- What the hell, man? - [bleep.]
you! What are you gonna do now, [bleep.]
? I will end you! [bleep.]
[bleep.]
, get in the car! - Come on! Come on! - Get in the car now! Oh, [bleep.]
.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
- Get in the car! - Come on! [bleep.]
[bleep.]
! Oh, [bleep.]
! Get in, get in, get in, get in, get in! [screams.]
Oh, [bleep.]
.
Go! go! go! What is he doing? Oh, God! - Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! - Go, go, go! - Oh! - Oh, [bleep.]
.
As you can see, road rage is a contagious disease and the recommended treatment is getting the [bleep.]
out of here! Mr.
MacNeil, he's behind us! What is he doing? What is he doing? He's going to try to ram us.
Oh! I'm gonna kill you with my dick! - Oh, my God.
- [horn honks.]
Oh, God! oh, God! He went over the edge! My producer, Grant, is always on hand to assist with unexpected complications.
In this case, his insight was especially helpful.
He turned around and went that way.
- I'm happy to drive.
- Oh, okay.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Yep, tomorrow.
Bye, Grant.
But it appears that other gentleman also saw the folly of road rage and, uh You know, turned around And went on home, and that is definitely what I would recommend for someone who feels road rage coming on.
Thank God.
I-I thought he died.
Because that screeching sound and the tire tracks going right off the cliff.
No.
No.
No.
Road rage, 1 1/2 stars.
Our next question comes to us from Gary in Santa Monica, California.
Hey, Forrest, uh, you know I don't want to limit myself to just one lady.
What would it be like to bang a bunch of them in an orgy? Oh, my goodness.
Oh, no.
[laughter.]
Well, it sounds like Gary wants me to go to an orgy.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
If you get nervous, just do that thing where you imagine everyone else in their underwear.
Wait, don't do that.
Because then you'd be the only one naked.
Yeah.
Thank you for trying to help.
Okay, I'm off to go have sex with many different people At once.
Oh, boy.
Was sending a civilized man into an orgy like releasing a zoo monkey into the wild? And if so, would he survive? To find out, this monkey would need to find his sex jungle.
This one's locked.
Really? What's the other way out? I had no idea how to locate an orgy, so I consulted with Tom, the interventionist who helped me during my review of addiction.
He, himself, was a recovering sex addict.
How are things with your wife? Are you guys talking again or what? Um, no.
I mean, I can't say I blame her.
I mean, I [bleep.]
two of her sisters.
I [bleep.]
her boss.
I came on her dog.
Yeah, that all sounds pretty gross.
- Yeah.
- Hey, though, I have a slightly awkward thing to ask you about.
Go ahead.
Out of all of the orgies that you used to go to - Mm-Hmm? - Which would you say was, like, the best? [chuckles.]
Oh, jeez, Forrest.
It's you now, it's not a good idea for me to even talk about that.
Right.
Okay.
- Yeah, no, I get that.
- Yeah.
I don't want to talk about cocaine, believe me.
I don't want [chuckles.]
Right, I mean But I would probably tell somebody where they could get cocaine, you know what I mean? A time and an address or something like that? But, with a bit of gentle persuasion, Tom told me about an orgy that he had attended regularly during his years as a compulsive haver of sex.
He described it as exclusive, elaborate, and, in a turn of phrase I know will haunt me for the rest of my days, "Totally ball draining.
" - "Totally ball draining"? - Yes.
Totally ball draining.
- Forrest? - Hmm? Were you expecting a scroll, a [bleep.]
ring, and a fancy mask? Uh, yes.
Yes, I was.
It's [clears throat.]
For my review, of course.
I used to work for an accountant.
He was a nice man.
Give this please.
This orgy is a top secret private affair.
So I'm gonna let my cameraman out here, and I'm afraid you, dear viewer, will need to experience this by stealing furtive glances through the windows like a common pervert.
As I arrived at the sex mansion, I will confess that I was terrified.
It had dawned on me that participants at an orgy might be required to know how to find and handle certain parts of a lady.
Scroll here.
I was immediately confronted with dozens of naked people writhing and thrusting in wild pleasure all over the house.
It seemed to me like a vision of hell.
But there was no turning back now.
[grunting and moaning.]
Despite my extreme discomfort with casual sex, I was determined to get into the mix.
After about an hour, I came to accept that I would need to remove my clothing.
But even that did little to arouse me or anyone else.
The ironwork on this staircase is Remarkable.
Hey, listen, I think we need to decide whether this is a snack table or another sex surface.
Because I really don't think it can be both, you know? You know, to tell you the truth, there is no place that I feel comfortable setting down these snacks.
It seemed I was incapable of getting in the spirit.
But then I met the king of the orgy.
This is your first time at an orgy, yes? You know Yes, actually.
That's right, yes, th Yep.
This is my first orgy.
You must embrace the power of the mask to transform you from whoever you are out there, into a glorious [bleep.]
beast who is born when you walk in here, and who dies when your balls are fully drained.
That was the attitude adjustment I'd needed.
I think I can do that.
I can be a [bleep.]
beast.
I was freed from Forrest MacNeil's self-consciousness and his fears of being perfectly average in the penis department.
Who wants to have sex with me? [shrill yelp.]
Let's keep this fella-tionship strictly blow-fessional.
I'm asking for oral sex.
The barriers I had put up between myself and wild sexual abandon were washed away in a tidal wave of pleasure.
And I have to say, it was one of the greatest [bleep.]
nights of my life.
I'm a [bleep.]
beast! But my night at the mansion had changed me.
Tom hey.
- How's it going? - Good.
- How are you? - Good.
Real good.
- How are you? - Good, good.
Doing well.
So, uh, the thing worked out Friday? - Oh, my, yes, it did.
- Oh, yeah? I just want to say, thank you so much for the hookup there.
Oh, my God.
That was an unforgettable experience.
Everywhere I looked there were these big beautiful breasts with pert, pink little nipples and firm, pulchritudinous buttocks and soft, inviting labia majora.
You know what? You know what? Can we Can we change the topic? - Yeah.
- Let's talk about - something else.
- Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, no, don't be.
- Yes.
Oh, no.
- Don't be.
I brought it up.
Yeah, you did bring it up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Anyway, remember that cooking class I was telling you about? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Well, last night they taught us how to make paella.
It's really cool, actually.
You need a special pan to How'd you like to bury your face in that? Mmm.
Ohh.
Next week, they're gonna teach us how to make brisket.
What the [bleep.]
are you talking about? Friday night couldn't arrive fast enough.
After a week without sex, my loins were like a thirsty spice merchant, stranded in the desert and these women's vaginae were the water.
That night I would drink deeply.
My tongue explored.
My fingers probed.
My swollen average-sized member became a hammer of the gods.
No fear, no regret, no guilt.
And then there was some guilt.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
[moans.]
Oh, no.
Hey.
Hey! Tom! - Oh, you.
- What are you doing here? You know, joylessly and compulsively [bleep.]
everything I can.
Tom, no.
You gotta get out of here.
Tom, you're a sex addict.
This is a relapse.
You have to get out of here, now.
Sir, is there a problem? Yes, there is a problem.
He doesn't belong here! [gasping.]
You are mistaken, sir.
We all belong here.
Yet, clearly a dispute exists.
Therefore, I declare a [bleep.]
-off! [cheers and applause.]
- All: In, out, in, out, in, out! - Wait, wait, wait, wait! What is a [bleep.]
-off? It's very simple.
Each of you will assemble a five-person [bleep.]
squad.
You will [bleep.]
the people you choose Until one of you can't [bleep.]
anymore.
The loser has to leave my house forever, and the winner is the king of the orgy.
[cheers and applause.]
You people are insane.
All: In, out, in, out, in, out! I'd save that energy for the [bleep.]
-off.
My [bleep.]
beast had created a horrible problem, and apparently would have to solve it too.
If I wanted Tom out, I was going to have to [bleep.]
him out.
Would you want to be on my team? Okay.
I'm sorry.
[speaks French.]
Sex feels good, and this was sex, but the competition was turning nasty.
You picked too many hotties, buddy.
You got to pick camels, not racehorses.
Hey! Just mind your own business over there.
You pick one who looks like your ex-wife on purpose? Shut up.
She does look just like her, doesn't she? What are they doing in cooking class tonight, Tom, huh? As I rotated through my [bleep.]
squad, I realized that I was no beast.
I was just a man and I had had enough of this awesome pleasure hill.
But I couldn't leave poor Tom here.
No.
I would win this [bleep.]
-off.
And finally, nearly 30 glorious minutes of uninterrupted humping proved to be too much for Tom's weary [bleep.]
muscles.
- Ow, cramp, cramp, cramp! - Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Or had Tom's guardian angel taken the form of me without my underwear? Who knows? Bravo.
Thank you.
Thank you and thank you so much to my [bleep.]
squad.
I could not have done it without you guys.
As your new king, I hereby decree that the sex between us will no longer be anonymous.
Let's take off these masks, you guys.
- We don't need 'em.
- He's hideous.
Come on.
Who knows? Maybe some of us will find real love here, instead of just sex.
[distant moaning.]
[door slams.]
Hey, our friendship is off, because you're a jerk! Screw you, Forrest MacNeil! Oh, you're welcome.
First of all, gross.
And second of all, what did you take away from that orgy? Two things: a drug-resistant form of gonorrhea and an important realization.
You see, I was delighted by the variety and the abundance of sex there, but by the end of my time as a swinger, I didn't know what felt more empty.
My heart, my soul, or my balls? Going to an orgy, two stars.