Rings on Their Fingers (1978) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Home! (Sniffs) Mmm.
Smells good.
- In here, darling.
- I didn't think you were doing it in the bathroom! You said that once before.
Did I? The last time I did lamb in white wine.
We've got it again? Lovely! Well, it's not the same.
Lamb fillets with rosemary, wine and garlic.
Garlic? I'll have to walk to work again.
Remember the last time I cooked lamb in white wine and garlic? I'm only just getting my friends back.
- No.
Do you remember the evening? - Yes, you said you wanted to get married.
- Right.
- What's tonight leading up to? Divorce? No! Good Lord.
That all seems a million years ago.
Well, we've packed a lot into it.
A wedding.
A honeymoon.
And a split-up and a reconciliation.
We sound like the plot for a Barbara Cartland novel.
- How did you get on today? - At the office? Yeah, after the party last night.
Oh, terrible.
I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Actually, I did snatch a quick nap, after lunch, sitting up in my chair.
Oh, never mind, darling.
And in case old man Dixon looked in, I had to doze with the phone clamped to my ear.
How uncomfortable.
Oh, not just that.
The dialling tone keeps you awake.
Well, aren't you glad we're not going out tonight? Am I! I don't know how people like Harry stand the pace.
He never stops.
(Pop song starts) - What's that? - Shush.
There's nothing else I want to do - Oh, Oliver, it's my favourite! - I know.
Shush.
I want to share my life and share it just with you You know, darling, it's extraordinary, you buying that record.
That's just how I felt today about you and me.
- Really? - It was like a wave.
- A wave? - I was in Mr Harris's.
- The ironmonger's? - Went in for a loo brush, and suddenly had this wave.
I thought to myself: It's just you and me tonight.
How marvellous.
So, I bought the lamb, and there it is cooking in the oven.
- Yeah, I'm glad it's not the lavatory brush.
- Shush.
- I had a wave too.
- No? That's why I bought the record.
A tremendously happy feeling.
- That's right.
- It hit me just near Victoria Station.
I remembered that record at Wendy and George's party, and I went in a shop and bought it.
Thank you, darling.
It was terribly embarrassing.
I was the only one there over 21.
I went up to a girl at the counter with long hair and said, "Excuse me, miss," and she said, (Deep voice) "Want a punch up the bracket?" - A man? - He had a super bottom, too! - Oh, thank you, darling.
- Pleasure.
Not for the record.
For risking a punch up the bracket.
Well, it was worth it.
To get an anniversary present.
- Anniversary? - We're celebrating our first two weeks.
Two weeks and two days.
All right.
Our two-week-and-two-day anniversary, and it don't seem a week too much.
Thank you, Oliver.
Now, you stay right there.
I won't be long.
Oh, no hurry.
I ate so much last night, I still feel like an overweight Michelin man.
- Did you ring and thank them? - George and Wendy? Well, we like people to ring us after a party.
- When did we last throw a party? - Not for ages.
We must have one soon.
- Oh, must we? - What? Who wants people? - Not me.
- Good.
I'll ring them.
(Humming along to record) (Humming) Oh, Wendy, it's Oliver.
Oh, sorry.
Are you? Well, I won't keep you, then.
Just to say thanks for a marvellous party.
The noise in my head this morning drowned out the underground.
Well, sooner you than me.
Anyway, our turn next.
Love from Sandy.
Bye.
- You didn't say you bought their record.
- No, they were dashing out.
- Another late night? - A party.
- Good Lord.
- At Tom and Joan's.
Yeah, I just said to her: Sooner her than me! - Tom and Joan's? - Yeah.
Tom Petrie.
And Joan Evans.
I know.
We haven't seen them since we all went to the pictures.
Or was it when they came to our party? Shall I play it again? Sandy? Why haven't they asked us? - What? - Haven't asked us, have they? - Who? - Tom and Joan.
Well, I thought you said you didn't want to go out tonight.
- Well, I don't.
- So, we wouldn't have gone.
No, but they might have asked us! Silly.
Anyway, they owe us.
They've been here twice since we've been to them.
Oh, not really twice.
Once was just a drink.
A drink? Joan could hardly move! Oh, yeah, but How can you be so illogical? You can't be delighted about staying in and be furious about not being asked out.
It isn't illogical to want to know why we've been deliberately snubbed.
- Well, perhaps they forgot us.
- And you don't call that a snub? Well, they're not coming here again.
All right.
So, they're ruined socially.
All right.
All right.
- Well - Now, just forget it.
Come on.
Put your feet up.
And we'll play our new record once again.
(Music starts) - We'll throw our own! - What? - We'll throw our own party.
- Oh, good grief! Just wait till Tom and Joan hear that we haven't asked them.
Oh, darling, that's not quite the right party spirit! Tom and Joan didn't have the right party spirit.
Well, I'm awfully tired, darling.
I didn't get much of a rest on the telephone.
Make it a bottle party.
I can add the lamb to the chicken leftovers, make some rice, and we'll have a risotto.
- We're having a quiet night.
- We can do that tomorrow.
Now, who shall we ask? Harry.
Ask him to stick a pin in his list of first reserves.
Oh, and Gerald and Sheila.
I'll go and ask them now.
And oh, John and David and their girlfriends.
We haven't seen them for ages.
You'd better get ringing, darling.
(Music off) To share my - (Door bell) MAN: Coming! (Humming) - Hello, Sandy! - Hello, Gerald.
Listen.
Oliver and I are throwing a party, and we'd like you and Sheila to come.
- When? Tomorrow? - Tonight.
- Tonight? - There's nothing on the telly.
Oh, that must be why Tom and Joan are throwing a party.
Aren't you going? Well, we decided to give our television set a night off and throw a party.
So, bring a bottle.
Sandy's cooking a huge Oh, are you? Oh.
Oh, right.
Well, see you soon, then, Harry.
Bye.
- Harry's going to Tom and Joan's.
- So are Sheila and Gerald.
- They're not? - They're leaving now.
- They're not? - They are.
Well, why the hell haven't we been asked? - Precisely.
- They owe us.
- Exactly.
- Well, they've been here for the last time.
It's all your fault.
I told you Joan thought you were trying to get off with Tom.
- Huh! Who are you ringing? - David.
We're gonna throw a party that'll knock theirs Oh hello, Dav Oh, hello, John.
No, it's all right.
It's Oliver Pryde.
I wanted to speak to you both, anyway.
Look, Sandy and I are throwing a party and we wondered if you and whoever you're currently scr going out with Oh.
Oh, are you? No, it's our fault for leaving it till the last minute.
See you in the pub sometime.
Bye.
- They're not going to Tom and Joan's? - And their birds.
We introduced them to Tom and Joan! Of course we did.
Tom and Joan hardly had a friend in the world before they met us.
- I never liked them, anyway.
- Tom and Joan? - I wish I'd told you before.
- I only put up with it cos you got on with Joan.
- You mean you don't like Tom? - Tom? That pimply, toffee-nosed Communist? Oh, hello.
Could I speak to Freddie Thomas, please? Thank you.
- You like Freddie and Ethel, don't you? - Mmm.
Let's hope Tom and Joan don't.
Oh, they don't know them, and they'd appreciate being asked round, getting married so soon.
Oh, hello, Freddie.
It's Oliver.
Look, could you grab your fiancée and a bottle right away? We're having a tiny ball.
Don't eat first.
Sandy's cooking a But you don't know Tom and Joan.
Oh, nothing.
See you.
Bye.
Ethel's away.
He's going with Harry.
- Now who are you ringing? - Stephen and Jenny.
Stephen and Jenny have never been asked anywhere in their lives.
- Nobody can bear the sight of them.
- (Ringing tone) And they've never heard of Tom and Joan, and Tom and Joan have never heard of them.
(Ringing tone) Somebody must have introduced them.
Oh, Oliver.
What have we done? - I suppose - What? Well, we have been out rather a lot lately.
Perhaps they thought we'd been asked somewhere else.
No.
- Yes.
- You think they thought that? No, but you're not far off.
Tom and Joan heard we've been out a lot, and they've left us out on purpose.
Why? Cos they're jealous? Well, can you think of a better reason? I can just see Tom's thin lips.
They'd be practically invisible.
"They went to five parties in a month, so they're not coming to ours.
" - Well, we wouldn't have gone, anyway.
- We would not.
Apart from the fact we need a rest, Tom pours the smallest whiskies this side of the border.
- Joan's got a dirty bathroom.
- Has she? - Haven't you noticed? - Well, no.
We men only hop in and out.
The tide mark round the bath screams at you.
And there's shaving soap on the taps and hair in the plughole.
How disgusting! And Tom always has a dirty collar.
I should think he makes his shirts last a week.
Then Joan washes them in the bath.
That accounts for the tide mark! - Oh, I am glad they haven't asked us.
- So am I.
And they'd probably have taken umbrage if we'd turned them down.
And we would have done, wouldn't we? - (Music starts) - Flat.
No, we want an evening to ourselves occasionally, don't we? You don't mind it's just the two of us? If you don't mind spending an evening with dreary old me.
- You're not dreary.
- Aren't I? I thought I must be, not being asked to Tom and Joan's.
(Chuckles) Anyway, we'll stay here, just the two of us, and I will mend your dressing gown for you.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Not before time.
Anyway, serves them right if their party's a flop.
It's bound to be - with his weak scotches and her bathroom.
Anyway, I shouldn't think Sheila and Gerald will stick it for long.
- Oh, yes.
They're going.
I'd forgotten.
- Forgotten what? Well, that Sheila and Gerald will be there.
They're good company.
You said you didn't want company tonight.
- No - You said you were glad it was just us two.
Oh, of course I am.
I'm just saying that if we'd had the misfortune to be asked and we hadn't been too tired to go, Gerald and Sheila would have taken a curse off the proceedings.
- And Harry? - Yeah, and Harry.
And John and David, and Freddie? - Darling, what are you talking about? - You're wishing you were there now.
- Well - All right.
Go to the party! I'm not stopping you.
No, Tom and Joan are.
I haven't been asked.
- You would have gone if you had been, though.
- Yes.
No.
I don't know.
It's academic.
We haven't been asked and nobody's coming here.
(Door bell) (Music off) Oh, I'm so sorry to disturb you.
We were wondering about Gerald.
- Gerald? - Gerald and Sheila.
Downstairs.
There's no reply.
We're Gerald's aunt and uncle.
- Ah.
- They weren't expecting us.
- But we always pop in when we're passing.
- Yes.
Come in! - Are they here? - No, they're at a party.
Give us your coats.
- Oh, no, no - Oh, my wife Sandy.
My name's Oliver.
How do you do? How do you do? Sit down.
- Yes, sit down.
- Now, what can we get you to drink? - No, no, honestly - White wine? - Oh, I thought we had white wine.
- Oh, the lamb finished it off.
The lamb? Never mind.
We've Vermouth.
Everybody likes Vermouth.
Oh, perhaps a drop of dry Vermouth would be nice.
Wouldn't it, dear? Well, yes.
Just a drop of dry.
- It's sweet.
BOTH: Oh.
Oh, well, er that's all right with soda, isn't it? - Is it? - And a piece of lemon.
- Yes, lemon.
- Yes.
- Oh, and a piece of lemon.
- Oh yes.
- Have we got a lemon? - No.
Well, perhaps we ought to call back another time.
No, no, no.
Have a dash of soda.
- (Hissing) - Oh Mind you, a lot of people have it neat.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Well, I'm very glad you called.
We're very social animals, aren't we? We love our own company, but we enjoy other people's, too.
(Door bell) - Gerald? - Well, we'll see.
Ah.
I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm selling Encyclopaedia Anglica.
Mrs Wilton downstairs asked me to call back this evening, when her husband was home.
Come in! You're just in time for a drink.
My wife, Mr and Mrs - Bristow.
- How do you do? - Hello.
- Vermouth, do you? - Well, yeah, a dry Vermouth.
- It's sweet.
- Oh.
Got any soda? - No.
- We're having it neat.
MR BRISTOW: Neat.
- (Dully) Yes.
OLIVER: Yes.
Lovely and neat.
- Well, cheers.
- Cheers.
Yes.
Well, this is nice, eh? The best party is always an impromptu party.
I mean, five minutes ago, none of us had met, and here we are chatting.
And drinking.
Oh.
(Coughs) - Have you got Encyclopaedia Anglica? - Pardon? - I called on you earlier.
There was no reply.
- Well I can honestly recommend it.
It's a great investment.
For you, your children and your children's children.
- Cheers, darling.
- Oh, cheers, darling.
It's never too late in life to start assimilating life's facts and figures.
We've got a dictionary.
Well, Encyclopaedia Anglica is a storehouse of ancient and modern knowledge.
- And an atlas.
- Hm? We've got an atlas.
Well, how's everybody's drink? - Yes, you're being very slow, Mrs Bristow.
- Yes, come along.
Imagine being able to chat to your peers on equal terms.
We don't know any peers.
- Mr Bristow, may I top you up? - No, thank you.
- Mrs B? - Oh, no, thank you.
It is the investment of a lifetime.
Well, Mrs Bristow and I will discuss it later.
- Er perhaps you'd give me your address.
- Shut up.
- Oh, don't go.
- I'm so sorry.
- Things were beginning to hum.
- Some other time.
Our dog's on heat.
She misses my husband.
- Thanks, anyway.
- What did you say your address was? - We didn't.
- No we didn't.
- Our love to Gerald.
- Yes, right-ho.
Bye.
- May I tell you about our very special offer? - You may not.
We have a set of volumes in a less expensive binding.
We are not interested.
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
Listen! This is our party! - What party? - (Door bell) - Well, there you are.
More guests.
- Oh.
Perhaps I can talk to you about this Good evening.
Have you ever read Watchword? - Come in! - Thank you.
- Would you like a drink? - A drink? Oh, I never imbibe.
- Good, cos we're getting low.
- In the second chapter of St Mark's address Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Tell him.
In the second chapter of St Mark's address to the Erm excuse me.
You can tell her how she can chat to her peers.
Oh yes.
May I recommend a great investment? For you and for your children and children's children.
- I'm not married.
- Yes Well, read Encyclopaedia Anglica and fascinate men with your knowledge.
Oh.
Have you ever read Watchword? - No, but Encyclopaedia - Encyclopaedias won't save you.
It's not what you know.
It's what you do.
What you do.
Exactly.
And for a small deposit down and easy terms thereafter Never mind thereafter.
What about the hereafter? Yes, well, I don't find that quite so appealing.
(Laughs) - And whose bright idea was that? - Yours.
What? Oh, was it? Right.
Right.
- You're not inviting the operator? - I'm ringing Tom.
Tom? Yeah.
Suppose he sent us an invitation and we never got it? Suppose he didn't send us an invitation? If I ring him up and he's got a great party going on, he'll have to ask us.
I wouldn't go under those circumstances.
Oh, neither would I, but I want him to know that we know.
Oh, Tom, it's Oliver Pryde.
You're a stranger.
How are you? Good.
How's Joan? Good.
I'm fine.
So's she.
What? I'm sorry, Tom.
There's so much noise going on your end, I can hardly Oh.
Well, I was looking through the address book, and it struck me what an age it's been since you and Joan came round.
It was erm our party, wasn't it? No, you came here after that.
After the pictures.
Remember? Well, what about tonight, Tom? You and Joan coming round.
Oh, what a pity.
We suddenly decided to have a few friends come in.
Spontaneous parties are so much more fun than the one you plan weeks ahead.
Right.
Well (Angrily) And mine to Joan.
- The thin-lipped - What did he say? Say? He didn't say anything.
He had to shout, because of the noise.
People laughing, music playing, glasses clinking.
I'd say he'd invited the whole of Western Europe, apart from us.
- He never mentioned it? - Never.
When I said I couldn't hear because of the noise, he raised his voice and said, "Better?" Well, why didn't you ask him? Well, no need to ask.
It's obvious.
We're poison.
- What? - We're death.
- Nobody likes us.
- Oh, don't be so silly.
Well, he's invited everybody we know, except for us.
We have been studiously ignored.
And nobody's noticed we're missing.
Oliver, this is dreadful.
Oh, it's not your fault, darling, and it's not mine.
We can't help being crashing bores.
- Bores? - Yes, bores.
They say marriage does that to a lot of people.
Kills the spark.
- I hadn't noticed.
- Well, you wouldn't.
Nor would I.
It's like BO.
Someone has to tell you.
We've turned into a couple of dull old sticks.
- Well, how? - Well, I just said.
Marriage does it.
Oh, don't start that dreary old argument again, wishing we were still living together.
I've just about had my fill of that since the wedding.
- Living together - (Sighs) I'm turning the meal off.
I'm not hungry.
- Living together! - What? That's why we haven't been asked.
Because we're not living together.
- What are you talking about? - Think.
Tom and Joan live together.
Now, who have they invited? Crumpet-chasing Harry, bachelor John, bachelor David.
Freddie's engaged but not committed.
He can withdraw before the steel door slams.
- Stephen and Jenny.
Living together.
- And Sheila and Gerald? They're married.
Well, they once split up for six months.
They had a go at breaking the chains - that rates an honourable mention.
I see.
So, you want to split up, so that we qualify for Tom and Joan's dirty bathroom? I don't know.
Every time I think marriage really works, some huge disadvantage kicks me in the teeth.
Well, I just happened to be kicked in the teeth by a huge disadvantage, too, you know.
- What disadvantage? - You! - Oh, Sandy - I should have known today would end like this! What are you doing? The last time you came home and said, "Mmm, something smells good," and I said, "In here, darling," and you said, "I didn't think you were in the bathroom," we had lamb that night, as well.
I should have known tonight would end in a row.
(Door bell) - Your mother, no doubt.
- My mother? With that crystal ball of hers, she's probably come to give you a lift home on her broomstick.
- Gerald.
- Hello, Oliver.
Took you up on your invitation.
- Am I the first? (Chuckles) - Hey, I'm not too early, am I? - Where's Sheila? - What? Oh, she's at Tom and Joan's.
I didn't much like the look of it, and anyway, we had a row.
So, I said, "I'm going to Sandy and Oliver's.
That's my type of evening.
" Who else is coming? Here, it is still on, your party, isn't it? - Well - I brought a bottle.
What'll you have? I mean, I'd have felt a mug, giving up the other party for nothing, wouldn't I? - Gin and Vermouth or gin without Vermouth? - With tonic.
Tonic? Ah, yes.
Well, I'll have to go to the off-licence.
I didn't want to get a lot in, till I knew what people were drinking.
No.
Who else is coming, then? Well, actually that's a little bit in the lap of the gods, Gerald.
Being so last-minute, a lot of people were busy, so we'll just have to wait and see who bangs on the door.
- (Chuckles) - Well, cheers.
Hm? Oh, sorry.
You wanted tonic.
Yes, I'll go round now.
- What was the row about, Gerald? - You two.
- Us? - Sheila wondered why you weren't at the party, and I said you probably turned it down, and she said perhaps you hadn't been asked.
I said that was a pretty insulting thing to say, and she said I was always criticising her.
Well, you know what women are like.
I mean, wives.
No, I don't.
Anyway, she was wrong, wasn't she? About Tom and Joan's party.
- Well - You were invited, weren't you? Well Oh, yes.
- Oliver, tell him the truth.
- (Phone ringing) Well, I wouldn't mention this in front of Sandy.
She's still upset about it.
But the point is, we don't hit it off with Tom and Joan any more.
You know? We don't meet.
They don't come to our parties, and we don't go to theirs.
Yeah, all right.
It's Tom.
Could we go to their party? No.
- Yes, all right, Tom - Tell him no.
You know what's happened.
They've found out that we know about the party, and they're trying to save face.
Well, we're not an after-thought.
- Oliver - Let me speak to him.
Tom, save your larynx.
We wouldn't come to your party even if you had Raquel Welch there.
Oh, yes! Easy enough to say that now.
You have to say it, don't you? (Whining) "We sent you an invitation.
" Listen.
I spoke to you ten minutes ago.
You never mentioned it.
And listen Ah, that's got you on the hop, hasn't it? And listen.
The postman got as far as Sheila and Gerald.
How come he didn't make it to us? We live above them.
He wasn't stopped by the weather.
Hadn't even the guts to admit he hadn't sent us an invitation.
Well, thank God we don't need one.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Won't be long.
The shop's just round the corner, Gerald.
I'm a bit confused.
Oliver said you weren't speaking to Tom and Joan, anyway.
Did he? Oh, well, Gerald, you should know by now.
Oliver has a little trouble with the truth on these occasions.
We weren't asked - that's all.
Mind you, though, Tom sounded as if he'd asked us.
- But Oliver rang him earlier.
- Yes Tom mentioned that.
And then he said he nearly had a heart attack, because he thought that they'd forgotten to post our invitation.
And then he didn't say anything, because Oh.
He didn't say anything, because Oliver had said that we were having a party, so he went straight and asked Joan if she'd done it, and she said she definitely remembered posting Oh, crumbs.
"Tom Petrie and Joan Evans request the pleasure of the company" Oh, golly.
Well, it's easy to do, first thing in the morning, when you're feeling a bit dopey.
I've done it myself.
Well, Oliver will have to ring and apologise.
Oh, don't tell him, Sandy.
Well, not tonight.
He might feel so bad, he'll throw me out, and I can't leave two parties without a drink.
Bought some wine to go with the meal.
Mr Andrews blew the dust off his slate.
Nice of him, wasn't it? The spirit of brotherhood is still abroad, even if Tom and Joan haven't got it.
Oh, I'll never forget the way Tom tried to wriggle out of it, when I mentioned it to him.
I said to him: Why hadn't he mentioned the party? I really had him on the hook, didn't I? Cheers, Gerald.
Hee-hee! What about some music? Let's try the next track.
(Music starts) Oh, that's good, isn't it? Darling, don't do the mending now.
That's not very hospitable.
I've been asking her to do this for a fortnight.
I've practically had to sit at breakfast in my mac, and tonight when somebody comes for a drink Excuse me.
(Mouthing) - Cheers, Oliver! - (Weakly) Cheers.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Oh, yes, he is.
Hang on a minute, Sheila.
Hello, darling.
What? Yes, of course it would.
That's wonderful.
Splendid.
Yes! Oh, you were wrong about the invitation.
They did get one, but Oliver put it in his Oh, yes.
What, darling? Hmm? Oh, it's just the three of us.
You found it too? Why didn't you beat me over the head? Because it's nice to know that we are not crashing bores or heavily married outcasts.
And what's even better, we still seem to be together.
Right.
Bye, darling.
Well, Sheila's on her way.
The party's the biggest frost of all time.
People are leaving in droves.
No wonder Tom asked you! In fact, she's bringing Harold, David and John, plus birds and bottles, of course.
I said it was all right.
It is, isn't it? It's bloody marvellous! Oh, Oliver! Don't move.
- (Song starts) - Ahh! (Gerald laughs) - Oh one thing.
- Yeah? - Nothing personal.
- No.
- I'm not criticising.
- No.
- Don't buy lamb again.
- (Chuckles)