Rob (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Landed in the dishwasher.
Ground-rule double.
It's those little bastards that live across the street.
Hm, you mean Josh and Davey? - You know their names? - Yeah.
I just call them Dumb Creep and Smelly Creep.
It's mine now, Josh and Davey! That's right, I know your names! (laughs) What? When I was little, my neighbourhood had a scary old guy all the kids were afraid of.
So? You're this neighbourhood's scary old guy.
No, I'm not! Okay, let me guess.
On Halloween, this is the only house that gets toilet-papered.
Well, yeah but, you know And this is the only house where the Girl Scouts don't try to sell cookies? Well, I just assume they know I don't do refined sugars.
And sometimes kids dare each other to run up and touch your door.
Is that what they're doing? 'Cause if so, none of them have the balls to actually make contact.
I love you, scary old guy.
Come on stop saying that, I'm not a scary old Aw! You! I'm keeping that one, too! Don't think I can't catch you! Get off my lawn! They're turning their bikes around! Hurry, let's get in here! (chattering) Hey, so Fernando Hm? I didn't see you go back for thirds at dinner.
Oh.
Doesn't seem like you.
Ah, you notice I only had two deserts too, huh? I noticed.
Because one of those deserts was mine.
Yeah, well, I want to be mean and lean for Saturday, you know? I don't want to be all bloated for the shoot.
Ooh, that's right.
You're shooting the commercial for your car washes.
Because that's what we do, we support each other no matter what.
Except cousin Carmen, she can rot in hell.
Wow, TV ad.
Hm.
Yep.
So you're going to pay money to publicly humiliate yourself? Yeah, well, we tried advertising on the internet, but every ad was "wet," "done by hand," and a "special rate for Hummers" wasn't about car washes.
This reaches more people anyway.
I mean, we're going to create brand awareness and expand our customer base.
Eh, screw that.
I'm gonna be famous.
(laughs) Yeah, I'm gonna be all over local late-night basic cable in Pasadena and parts of Glendale.
Parts of Glendale?! Wow.
That's big-time show business, huh? Is there anything I can do to help? Yes, there is.
Move back to Mexico.
Hey, maybe you can put your commercial on right after, you know, that exercise equipment that also cleans your colon? Yeah.
Be a good lead-in.
Yeah, I'm going to be bigger than Muffler Mel.
Ay, tan guapo el Muffler Mel.
He's the most beloved talking muffler on TV, eh? Yeah.
You know, that clown does one commercial, already has his picture up in the dry cleaners, man.
Pretty soon, my picture's going to be up in the dry cleaners right in between Muffler Mel and Shannen Doherty.
Shannen Doherty? Yeah, I think she works there.
Is there anything we can do to help tomorrow? Actually, come to think of it, you know what would be great, is if you and Rob could babysit your little baby cousin Isa for the day.
Ah, sure.
We can do that.
Ah, she's six months old and the most adorable thing you've ever seen.
Her mother's working on the commercial doing Fernando's makeup.
I wish I could babysit her myself.
You know, I'm already babysitting your father.
Babysit? (nervous laugh) A real baby? Like a baby person? Is that, uh I don't think that's such a good idea.
Oh, you're going to love her.
She's so sweet, so cute.
You're going to want to eat her up.
Thanks but, uh, I already had baby for lunch, so You're going to have so much fun with her, spending the day with her, holding her, falling in love with all her little baby ways.
(laughs) Oh, so cute.
So sweet.
(laughs) I'm on to you! Excuse me? You think if you can get Maggie to spend the day with the baby, she's going to fall in love with the baby, and say things like, "Oh, look at the cute little baby's feet," and then she's going to want to make one.
I know exactly what you're doing.
Well, it doesn't matter that you know what I'm doing, because I'm going to do it anyway.
She's 30, she's married, where's my grandkid? Hey, I'm a very patient woman.
But it's been two months.
I don't want a baby.
I am perfectly capable of ruining my own life, thank you very much.
It doesn't matter what you want.
I mean, if she wants a baby, a baby's coming.
Did you think you had a vote? Well I don't know about your escuela, but in my sixth-grade sex-ed class, the male was an important part of the baby-making process.
No, alcohol is the important part of the baby-making process.
You're in on this, too? Hey, Rosa and I want grandkids.
(chuckles) Why should you be happy? (both laugh) This is going to be so much fun tomorrow, taking care of a little baby, just the two of us.
Ow! You're hurting my foot.
Oh, sorry.
Look, um I thought you don't like kids either.
We talked about this the French restaurant with the kid screaming its head off at the next table.
All I said was the kid was a little loud.
Well, it was pretty clear what you were implying.
Rob, at some point, we're going to have to have a conversation about children.
Okay I've never been in a huge rush to have kids.
Me, neither.
And I figured, when we got married, it would just be us for a while.
Me, too! I'm in no hurry.
I totally agree! So, you know, I thought we could have a baby in - Never.
- Two years.
You don't want to have a baby ever? We just got married.
I thought, you know, we'd take some time to just enjoy each other for a while, you know? I mean, what if we want to travel? You can't take a baby with you.
Actually, they make a portable baby now.
Well then, think about yourself.
Okay, now how can I put this delicately? You know when a car's been in a major accident? They can fix the car, but it's always going to be a car that's been in a major accident.
The car is never going to be able to wear the same clothes it used to wear.
Are you seriously going to sit here and compare a woman who's had a child to a car that's been in a wreck? Well, not the creepy way you just said it.
So come on down to the Soap Shack, Jack, and it won't set you back, Mac.
(chuckles) 'Cause we take expired coupons.
We take competitors' coupons.
Hell, we even take pizza coupons! ♪ Taking pizza coupons today What in the hell is that? I was just adding a catchy jingle.
I thought it would help.
I don't know, I think Hector's got a point, you know? I just feel like it needs something to spice it up a little bit.
Yeah Hey! Why don't you dress as a muffler, like Muffler Mel? He owns a muffler shop, tonto.
That's why he dresses like a muffler.
Oh, I never put that together.
That's clever.
What about if I do a character? Like, uh, Count Von Carwash.
I vant to vax your Volvo.
I hope you just said "Volvo.
" I got it.
A pirate.
Argh! Hm.
Maybe.
Okay, let's hear it.
That was it.
I thought you were just having a stroke.
You should really let Hector help you.
He has a lot of experience in the entertainment field.
HECTOR: It's true.
I was the rising star of the Guadalajara Community Theater.
I performed an unforgettable Simba from The Lion King.
Yeah, what was so unforgettable about it? Everyone else was doing The Sound Of Music.
But the critics called it "a night to remember" Ah, yeah, I was there.
It really was.
Oh, all right, if you don't talk, and don't make any eye contact, I'll let you be my personal assistant.
Thank you, Fernando! This is the break I needed! All right, right, right Welcome to show business.
Now, go peel me some grapes.
Okay! (baby crying) Check in the diaper bags, see if there's a toy or something.
(sighs) Where's the bottle? I'm telling you, she's not hungry.
I'm talking about my tequila bottle.
I can't take this anymore.
Why won't she stop crying? I don't know.
This baby is just the most (door opens) Shh! adorable thing I've ever seen! Look who's adorable, huh? Here we are, reporting for duty.
Okay, but it's gonna be tough to give this one up.
No, no Here, take her.
Hey, come on, let's go.
Oh no! Isa chiquita Hey, don't worry.
When I'm a big star, I won't forget the little people.
Uh, that includes you, Rob.
(laughs) Okay, if you need us, the shoot is just a few blocks down the street.
We got it, don't worry.
Sh Hey, tranquilita, mi vida.
No You see? Babies are a pain in the ass.
You know what? I'm glad we're doing this, you know? Because by the end of the day, you're not going to want a baby either.
She's a very good baby, she's just a little upset right now.
It's no problem.
Oh, this crying is music to my ears.
No, no, this afternoon is going to save us $100,000 in college tuition.
Shh! Oh, hey, good work, kid! Hey, you know what? Barf on her cashmere sweater.
That'll help seal the deal.
You know, let me look for a pacifier.
No, don't give it to me.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
This thing's alive.
Don't let me (stops crying) Look at that.
Huh? I think she likes you.
No, don't be ridiculous.
T t take it back.
T t take it, take it, take it.
(baby cries) Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry, don't cry.
Don't cry! Don't give it back.
Don't give it back to me, oh (baby stops crying) This is like a Twilight Zone episode.
I can't believe it.
See, you're a natural.
Don't get any ideas.
I told you last night, I didn't like kids.
I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.
(laughs) No, seriously.
In kindergarten, I used to hang out at the teachers' lounge.
That's when I started drinking instant coffee.
This little lady likes you.
It'll wear off.
It always does.
(cell phone beeps) Oh, I just got a text from my mom.
She says my dad left his script on the table.
Okay Oh, there it is, on the back of this takeout menu.
All right, I'll be right back.
What? Where are going? (smooches) You're not leaving me alone with this.
They're just a couple of blocks away.
Yeah, well, what if something happens? What do you think she's going to do? Look at her.
I don't know, explode, burst into flames.
Come on! You're doing great.
You're just going to be alone with her for five minutes.
Okay? No, no, no, no, but wait I think you're afraid you might like it.
If this thing goes Chucky on me, it's your fault.
Okay.
You listen to me, you passive-aggressive little twerp.
You know what your problem is? You're selfish.
All you do is think about yourself.
You're 15 pounds of pure selfishness.
Most people don't want to tell you the truth.
I'm going to tell you the truth.
You're a jerk.
You know you got everybody wrapped around your finger with your little cute act.
Just because you got big eyes, and you can stick your foot in your mouth.
Well, I can do that, too.
Well, I'm not falling for it.
Look, okay, stop distracting me.
Nothing personal, but I don't want to have a baby.
No, no, your older relatives are already ruining my life as it is.
And they only drool half as much as you.
All right, I can't take this anymore.
I'm going to take you back to see your mother.
Now, put your pants on.
DIRECTOR: Okay, here's the concept for my ad.
All your relatives are at this party.
But you can't go because you're stuck washing your car.
If only you had gone to the Soap Shack.
Oh, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Uh, listen, I got a question for you.
Uh, you know the black guy in Miami Vice? I hear he started out in commercials.
I don't know who that is.
All I know is, we have to be done by 6:00.
I have a meeting with my parole officer.
Ah Fernando, great news.
What? I have an idea for the commercial.
No - Look, I come up, dressed as a sponge, - No.
I walk up to you.
No.
And I say No.
"I really soak up savings, because I am a sponge.
" Mm, that's interesting.
- Really? - No! You're an idiot! Now go find out where that kid got a pretzel dog, and get me one.
Scurry away.
Hey Mom, here you go, Dad's script.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey listen, where's the baby? I wanted to see how cute you look with the baby.
I thought you needed Dad's script right away.
I left the baby with Rob.
You can't leave the baby with Rob, it's not safe! She could pick up some of his mannerisms! You know, he's really good with her.
I could really see us having a kid in a couple years.
A couple yea what's wrong with now?! Don't you know the older you get, the uglier your babies are? Mom, what's the rush? We just got married.
We're not ready.
You think I was ready when I had you? You do what everybody else does.
You get pregnant first, then you get ready.
Hey, any of you kids seen this thing's mother? I'm guessing she's around 30, looks like she's had the life sucked out of her.
Hey! Hey, Pepe, you little bastard! Come back with my hat! Come back here! Isa, ay, mira que preciosa.
ROB: You're lucky I don't have my tennis shoes on! Oh, congratulations.
You know how to use your middle finger.
You should be very proud of yourself.
If I ever see another kid again my entire life, it'll be too soon.
(yells) Where's that baby? Where's that stupid baby? It can't walk, it can't crawl.
How far could it roll? Amor, what are you doing here? Shh! Don't wake the baby.
Oh! She's sleeping? Yes, yes, she's totally gone.
I just came by to see how things are going.
So she's not getting on your nerves anymore? Not at all, no.
It's like she's not even here, you know? Let me have a peek.
- No, no (stammers) - Okay, why are you acting so weird? Weird? I'm not acting weird.
You're the one acting weird.
Weird? I mean, look at weirdo right over here.
- Oh! Is that your mother?! - What? I thought I just saw her waving.
Yeah, she seemed very disappointed in you.
Yeah, you should see what's happening.
Yeah.
- Disappointed? - Yeah, something bad is happening, definitely, and you're involved.
Yeah, go check it out, - see what's happening - Yeah Hey, hey, Rob, Rob.
Best friend.
You would not believe the terrible day I am having.
- Not now, Hector.
I'm busy! - I know, I know.
Listen That's my baby! The thing is Get lost, kid! Fernando is stifling my creativity.
Give me my baby back.
It's not your baby.
Go away! Maybe if I say something like, I don't know (screams) Oh! Oh! (yells) All right, here, take your baby.
(grunts) Dear God, I know you don't like me, but please let me find this baby.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'll have ten babies! And I'll name them all Jesús.
Just please help me find my baby! My my baby, my baby.
I found her, not you.
Please, please.
Come here, come here.
Isa, what the hell were you thinking? I thought some depraved, crazed weirdo ran off with you, and I was right.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Ay, Isa, I was coming to pick you up.
Oh, you must be Maggie's husband.
I'm Isa's mother.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess your mom's here to take you back now.
Can I just say good-bye to her for one second? Sure.
Okay, um Well this is it, so, don't grow up so fast, huh? Trust me, it doesn't get better.
blah blah blah, "Why wash away your weekends when you can get Fernando's Hot Wax?" Blah blah blah Okay! I'm feeling it.
(sighs) Get away from me.
Okay.
Good luck, mi amor.
Luck's for amateurs.
(chuckles) Don't worry about getting my good side.
They're both good sides.
(chuckles) All right, let's skin this puppy.
Here we go, and action! DIRECTOR: Fernando? Hey, movie star, "action" means start talking.
Yeah, oh those, oh those clouds over there distracted me.
Okay and, action! Hey! There's nothing better than a then a weekend with a weekday.
Why wash away your family, when you can have a good soapy, hot experience? Uh, so, come on down to Fernando's Soap Shack and-and get a pretty good hand job.
DIRECTOR: Oh! Cut! Wait, wh what'd I just say? I wasn't listening.
I was too frightened by what was happening to your face.
I can't do this.
I can't, I can't you, you, do this.
Come on, you want to be in show business, get in there! What? Okay, we have to hurry this up.
My ankle bracelet is going off.
Oh, no, you go, go, go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I I I I cannot do this.
I swear, I lied yesterday.
I was a terrible Simba in The Sound Of Music.
The crowd cheered when the Nazis killed me.
You have to at least try! I-I'm a terrible actor - DIRECTOR: Action! - Hello, Glendale.
You like the good things in life? You deserve the ultimate luxury.
So, bring your car to the Soap Shack, and tell them Hector sent you.
Stay soapy, my friends.
Stay soapy.
So, Mr.
I-Hate-Kids, you survived.
Yeah, if you call that surviving.
I got food on me from every part of the digestive process, (sniffs) and every orifice, apparently.
Man, if we have a daughter, she's going to have you wrapped around her little finger before we get her home from the hospital.
Wait a minute.
No, we never agreed to have kids.
You're right, we didn't.
Would you rather have a boy or a girl? A girl.
Now you're just playing dirty.
I got my answer, though.
Look, I will not be manipulated by three women in one day.
What the hell is the matter with you kids?! It's midnight!