Roommates s01e06 Episode Script

The umbrella in the drink is not the strongest chick magnet.
It attracts a certain kind of woman.
They're called men.
You are at the apartment for a month and you still haven't asked katie out.
- What are you waiting for? - She come off the break-up with Ben.
Before I make my move, I wanna be sure she's ready to move on.
I need a clear sign, like a flashing neon sign saying, "Go for it, Mark.
" Waiting on a clear sign from a woman Do you even like sex? Oh my god.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Katie's ex is here and he's with another woman.
And a hot one too.
Good for him.
I mean that bastard.
Katie broke up with him three weeks ago.
It's dating etiquette.
You're not supposed to be seen in public with someone else for at least a month.
- How could that girl over Katie? - Katie's way cuter.
Did you see those cheap rhinestones glued on her nails? With breasts like that, I don't care if she has arms.
I mean that bastard.
Not good.
- Katie's on her way right now.
- This will devastate her.
I'll call and tell her to go someplace else.
- Too late.
- Hey, guys.
Order me a beer.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
- What's the hurry? - I've been on the D train for 45 min.
Passed "hurry", coming up on "get the hell out of my way".
You know what? The bathrooms here are terrible.
There's a great one around the corner They play soft jazz.
Let's go.
What is wrong with you people? I didn't expect to see you here.
But I figured we were bound to run into each other sooner or later.
We're both adults, so it's cool, right? Totally cool.
Are you kidding? - Good seeing you.
- Good seeing you.
- Looks like we dodged a bullet.
- Just one little thing.
You know what's funny? We dated six months, we shared secrets, bared our souls, and we just broke up and you're already out with some tramp.
I'm sure you're very nice.
But you know what? If you can move on, so can I.
Maybe I'll go out with the first guy that I see.
Hot wings.
- Wanna go out tonight? - Totally.
Stay.
I'm making a point.
And the point is that I am moving on from you.
Love the nails! Moving on, jerk.
There's your sign.
Go after her.
Not you! -- Room-A-Team -- VO: pluch, -Ori- Shooting star.
Naked lady.
Katie's moving on.
She's ready to start dating again.
- It's my chance.
I'm gonna ask her out.
- Great.
I'll help.
Pretend I'm katie and ask me out.
- What? Why? - You know how you are around girls.
You get nervous, stammer and then you throw in random spanish words.
I do not.
That's why we practice.
You're in denial about the holes in your game.
This is important.
Now ask.
Fine.
I was just - You didn't even let me finish.
- Be forceful.
Go.
We've been living together for a while now Boring.
I got a ton of guys to pick from.
Sweep me off my feet.
Do you want to get a drink? - Dinner? - I'm washing my hair.
- Concert? - I'm drying my hair.
Come on.
You're killing my confidence.
Sorry.
I always wanted to know what it was like to play hard to get.
You're ready.
Now go ask Katie out.
- Thanks.
- Call me.
Why is there a mattress in the hallway? We're having a ben purge.
I'm getting rid of everything that reminds me of Ben.
- It's like, I'm cleansing my life.
- It's a benema.
Great.
I'll help.
- That was mine.
- Sorry.
That was a gift from my mom, jerk.
It feels so good to be starting fresh.
It's kind of exciting.
- I'm back out there.
- Anyhoo, I thought maybe we could You know, with the benema and all, we could, you know, grab a drink.
It'd beloco.
I have to go get a mattress.
They're having a midnight madness sale over at club bed.
You wanna come with me? That would be no problema, senorita.
I'll go grab my purse.
They're serving wine at a bed store.
Fancy.
Guess they wanna get you drunk to get you into bed.
Thanks for coming with me.
- I don't know that much about beds.
- I'm great in bed Great with beds! You know.
I know a lot about beds.
- Cheers.
- To moving on.
To moving on.
So you wanna hop into bed? Sure.
This one seems nice.
What do you think? Here.
Sit by me.
I wanna see what it feels like to watch tv in bed.
Never thought I'd be here in bed drinking wine with Katie Bowman.
Look at me in bed drinking wine with Mark Fletcher.
It's crazy.
Loco loco.
I like this one.
I could get used to this me too.
So listen, - I was thinking - Check out that bed.
Great.
I'm gonna go get something.
Have you asked Katie out yet? I was about to, but I spilled some wine.
You smuggled wine into a bed store? You dog.
- So how's it going? - It's a minor setback, - but it's going really well.
- That's great.
You're not speaking any spanish, are you? I used to think she was only into guys like Ben but - I start to think I could be her type.
- Of course you're her type.
Repeat after me: "I am Katie's type".
I am Katie's type.
- Again.
- I am Katie's type.
Good.
Now go get her.
Make me proud.
Call me.
I am Katie's type.
I am Katie's type.
- Guess what? - You bought a bed? - I have a date.
- With who? With me.
I turn away for two seconds and katie is on a date with a guy who looks like me, dresses like me Thom, he is me.
I see.
He's your clone.
- In a matter of speaking.
- Or he could actually be your clone.
- He couldn't.
- Stranger things have happened.
They haven't.
This is terrible.
I've actually missed my chance with Katie with me.
Look on the bright side: it means you are Katie's type.
What use is that? What if he marries her? Awesome.
Then it's not just a passing fancy.
Maybe this goes deeper.
Maybe there's only a certain amount of sex in NY for people who look like me, and he's been taking all of it.
That would explain a lot.
Those evil clones.
He is not a clone.
Right.
Of course.
Not a clone.
- You finally beat me at something.
- I play a lot while I'm at home.
The silver lining to long-term unemployment.
Chill, man.
I'm a little tense.
Cause Katie's on a date? Don't worry.
She'll be back any minute complaining about what a loser he is.
I found a winner! Oh my god.
Eric is amazing! - See? - So you like him? He's such a great guy.
It's nice to talk to a guy without thinking he wants to get you into bed, especially since he's a bed salesman.
Bed salesman It's a good angle.
Everybody be here tomorrow night.
Eric is cooking us dinner.
Have you seen my lucky bra? Wait.
Lucky bra? Why would you need that? All bras are lucky.
They get to hold breasts all day.
It's for me.
I like to feel pretty even if no one is gonna see it.
And pretty equals confident equals sexy equals bed.
He's not trying to get me into bed.
Buying a girl a bed to get her into bed.
It's so simple.
You guys, stop eating.
Eric is cooking us dinner.
I know.
Just loading up in case it sucks.
- He's a mattress salesman after all.
- And a chef.
A chef who works at a mattress store.
Maybe he'll make us a sheet cake.
Or pigs in a blanket.
Wait.
Run through it.
- You smell nice.
- Thank you.
Great place! - Oh my.
- Told you.
Eric, you remember Mark from the store? - What's up, man? - What's up, man? - Im hope.
- Nice to meet you.
I understand you're a mattress salesman.
Do people need new mattresses often? Sleep is very vital for long life and health.
Rough game though, tough to make a living.
Not really.
I own the store.
He has four locations.
Any more like you at home? They can be ugly.
I don't care.
I'm more of an artist.
I'm an actor.
I act.
I like to feed the soul.
I like to feed myself.
- You two kinda look alike.
- I noticed that at the store.
There may be a slight resemblance.
Who knows? Maybe we are related.
My dad was a traveling salesman.
Funny, my mom's a whore.
What's for dinner? I thought I'd bake a chick with a garlic de provence sachet and a nice three-pepper risotto.
This is a nightmare.
I could take it when she was dating ben.
He's nothing like me, but this guy? He's more successful, more compelling, more interesting version of me.
I think he might sleep with both of 'em.
- Do you have any white pepper? - White pepper.
You mean salt? I mean white pepper.
The risotto won't be the same without.
Eric wants some white pepper fetch.
I really appreciate it, little brother.
No problem.
You wanna come with me, to make sure I get the right thing? I would, but the risotto keeps sticking, and I need katie's help to stir.
Seriously, do you have a cousin? He could be stupid or in jail.
I really don't care.
It's open.
Thom, this is a nightmare.
What are you doing? Enjoying my new 7 foot big screen tv.
That's the same Tiny TV you've always had.
Not through this high-powered telescope.
David hasselhoff's coming out of the ocean and he looks like a giant attacking Los Angeles.
- So how's it going with the big dinner? - Horrible.
Eric sent me out to get white pepper.
He's making a three-pepper risotto and roasted chicken with an herbs de provence sachet.
Sounds delicious.
It doesn't.
It sounds pretentious and high in sodium.
So this guy's on your home court and he's playing his game.
He's a chef and he's making dinner, so you gotta get back there - and start doing what you're good at.
- Right! You're right.
What am I good at? I got it.
Math.
You're great at math.
There's no one that's faster at quadratic equations than you.
Challengin to an olympics of the mind and wowing Katie with my knowledge of coefficients is no match for a jerk-faced chef bed salesman.
Mark, this guy may look like you, but he's not you.
Everybody has something that makes them unique and she needs to see that.
So you get back there, and you find your own version of a a three-pepper risotto.
OK.
I'll do it.
Take your time.
Don't force it.
- Got it.
- And save me some of that chicken.
- That chicken was so damn good.
- Do you eat those crumbs on your chin? - Thanks, Eric.
- Thanks.
- Not the same without the pepper.
- Please.
Your dinner was great.
And so was your hard-to-believe story about how you lost your watch on the top of mount Everest I have bad luck with watches.
Last year I lost one when I was swimming the English channel.
Mark, didn't you almost drown on the log ride at wave town? - Please let us help with the dishes.
- We insist.
The good news is: he hasn't had sex with her yet.
If he had, he wouldn't be working this hard.
- That's a relief.
- But if they do last, they're going to have gorgeous babies.
Who's up for some video games? Can anybody even move after Eric's incredibly fattening gut bomb? Few more meals like that, we will have to take down walls to get us out.
It was only 380 calories per serving.
It's very healthy.
Healthy and delicious, just like you.
Maybe you two want some alone time.
They seem really comfortable doing stuff in front of everybody.
I'm sorry.
We're being rude.
Eric came to meet all of you guys.
You should get to know him.
He could be around a while.
Let's hope so.
How are you with fish? - That's next time.
And I eat a brag.
- You don't.
My salmon recipe was featured in "yummy light cooking" magazine.
You know what? Let's box.
I love this game.
- Care to take me on, champ? - Love to.
- Watch out.
I'm pretty good.
- Me too.
- You are good.
- I play a lot.
Keep your left up, Mark! - Care to take it down a level? - No, I got you right where I want ya.
- Dude! - I didn't mean to hit below the belt.
- No rough stuff down there, please.
- Only if it's by special request.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, it was an accident.
Are you okay? I just got hit in the face.
Again, really sorry.
What's with you? You've been a jerk to me since I got here.
I got you pepper.
You just hit the mattress king of Brooklyn.
And I apologized already, your highness.
You think this is funny? I'm shooting my commercial tomorrow.
I'm gonna have black eyes.
I'm gonna look unrested.
That's death for a mattress salesman.
Mark's an actor and he looks like you.
Maybe he could do it.
- I'm really very good.
- You think anybody could replace me? - Please.
- Calm down, it was an accident.
An accident? You wanna know what wasn't an accident? Was me killing myself cooking for all you guys, just so I could get Katie into bed.
Great! I just said that out loud.
That's probably not gonna happen now.
- Is it? - I think you should leave.
Back to my place.
I am liking this guy more and more.
How's it going? You okay after Eric's little meltdown? Sorry you're not gonna go off and live happy ever after in mattress kingdom.
It's for the best.
At least I didn't date him for a year before I found out he was crazy.
That's something.
So listen You were saying how you're ready to start dating again.
You were right.
I jumped in too soon.
I'm not so sure about that.
I really have a broken man-picker.
I can't pick men.
Sure there have been a few bad apples, but you can't just give up.
I'm not giving up, I'm just giving my man-picker a rest.
Don't give it too much of a rest.
You have to use it or lose it.
- It's just that Eric was such a Jerk.
- A good-looking jerk.
I probably would have jumped at the first guy who asked me out.
- Of course you would have.
- Night, mark.
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