Rumpole of the Bailey (1978) s01e06 Episode Script

1 - (Man yells) Bye.
- Yeah, see you.
(Gasps and screams) (Sobbing) (Tyres screech) (Tyres screech) (Metal clangs and dog barks) - (Gasps) - What is it, Petey? Had one of your bad turns, have you, Pete? Why don't you sit down, Peter? You're all of a tremble.
Have you seen T-Tosh? No, I haven't seen Tosher.
Have you, Basil? - Not that I can recollect.
- (Stutters) Here, what have you just done, Peter? I just c-come Peter, is that your banger parked out there? It seems totally surrounded by Old Bill.
You know what you're gonna need, little brother? You're gonna need a good lawyer.
(Rumpole) "'No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease "'No comfortable feel in any member "'No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees "'No fruit, no flowers, no leaves, no birds "'No-vember.
" 'November.
' 'There might be some sort of trivial little brief waiting for me in Chambers.
'In November an old man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of indecent assault.
'Bringing briefs at London Sessions and before the Uxbridge Justices.
'Oh, God! Oh, Uxbridge Justices.
'Oh I started forty years ago, 'defending a charge of unsolicited grope on the Northern Line ' and that's what I'm back to now.
'In my end is my beginning.
' Mr Rumpole? "Stern daughter of the Voice of God.
O, duty.
" Well, Henry, my learned clerk, what are my orders for today? There's a con waiting for you, sir.
In a new matter from Maurice Nooks and Parsley.
- New matter? - Yeah, the Bermondsey stabbing.
Mr Nooks says you'll have read it in the papers.
"My heart leaps up when I behold a rainbow in the sky.
" Or a murder in the offing.
Oh, doesn't it sound terrible, but I've got to admit it, ha ha! They're giving me a leader, in a murder.
- No, they haven't mentioned a leader.
- It'll be Guthrie Featherstone, QC MP.
Well, it'll get me back to the Bailey, my proper stamping ground.
- Er, Mr Rumpole.
- Yes? There's just one thing - Your hat, sir.
- My hat? The other clerks was discussing your hat, sir, over coffee.
They must be hard up for conversation in the Kardomah.
They was passing the comment, it's the subject of a good many jokes in the Temple.
Really? Well, this has done the state some service and it shows it.
I can't send you down the Bailey, not on a top class murder, in a hat like that.
You think the jury'll see at the titfer and convict without leaving the box? - Mr Featherstone wears a nice bowler.
- I'm not leading counsel, Henry.
I'm not the Conservative-Labour MP for somewhere or other, and as far as this hat is concerned, it keeps the rain out, most of the time.
My old clerk, Albert, put up with this hat for a good many years without complaint.
There's been changes made since Albert's time.
Indeed there has! I got some decent briefs in Albert's time.
I got the Penge Bungalow Murders and the Brighton forgery case.
I wasn't put out to grass in the Uxbridge Magistrates Court.
- Oh? Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr Rumpole.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Nooks.
Mr Nooks.
And this is Miss Stebbings, my articled clerk.
This is Mr Leslie Delgado and Mr Basil Delgado, our client's brothers.
How do you do? Well, please sit down, sit down.
That is, of course, if you can find somewhere.
Our, er our client, of course, is, er not with us, hmm? Hardly, Mr Rumpole.
Mr Peter Delgado has been moved to the prison hospital.
- He's never been a well boy.
- Oh.
Our client's health has always been an anxiety to his brothers.
Oh, really? Yes, I see.
Well, then let's have a look, hmm.
Victim's name, Tosher MacBride.
Anything known about him? - I believe he was a rent collector.
- Oh, that's a good start! The jury will be dead against murder but if somebody has to go it might as well be a rent collector.
(AII laugh) Bloodstains on your brother's sleeve.
I see.
What's forensic say about that? - Including Mr Tosher MacBride's? - Well, yes.
And exhibit one, a sheath knife.
- Mr MacBride's blood on that? - Yes.
Er, of course The sheath knife found in you brother's old Daimler beside the driving seat.
Bloodstains on your brother's sleeve.
Bloodstained knife found in his car.
It looks black for young Peter.
Yes, well, let's say it's evidence, Mr Delgado, on which the prosecution may expect to get a conviction.
Unless the judge has joined the Fulham Road Anarchists or the jury is drunk.
- You'll pull it off for Peter? - Pull it off? Oh! I shall merely sit behind my learned leader.
You are going to Guthrie Featherstone, QC MP, of these Chambers? Well, actually, Mr Rumpole, on this one, no.
No? But you are getting a leader, aren't you, on a murder? Well, actually, my brother and I have heard of your wonderful reputation.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
Well, I did do the Penge Bungalow Murders without a leader.
Thank you.
But, of course, that was 30 years ago.
They let me loose on that.
We've heard golden opinions about you, Mr Rumpole.
Golden opinions.
Nobody mentioned the hat then? Pardon? Mr Delgado's brothers are perfectly satisfied to leave this one to you.
Really? Well! Now is the winter of our discontent.
Made glorious summer by a first class murder.
Oh, I'm sorry, gentleman, that sounded callous.
All these months in the Uxbridge Magistrates Court have blunted my sensibilities.
It can hardly be such a sign of summer for your brother.
(Basil) We're quite confident that you can handle it.
Handle it? Of course I can handle it! Please, please, sit down.
As I always say, murder is nothing more than common assault with unfortunate consequences.
We'll arrange it for you to see the doctor.
- I'm perfectly well, thank you.
- (Leslie) Dr Lewis Bleen.
(Nooks) The well-known psychiatrist.
On the subject of Mr Peter Delgado's mental capacity.
Poor Peter.
He's never been right.
We've always had to look after him.
You could call him Peter Pan.
The little boy who never grew up.
(Man) Remember me, do you? - Doctor Bleen.
- Yes.
- Doctor Bleen.
- Yes.
Do you know the time, Petey? No.
Disorientated as to time.
Might that be because he's not wearing a watch? - Where are you, Peter? - In the n-n - Nick? - Hospital wing.
- Orientated as to place.
- Possibly.
When we last met, Peter, you told me you couldn't remember how MacBride got stabbed.
N-no! There appears to be a complete blotting out of all the facts.
Mightn't it be worth asking if he was there when Tosher got stabbed? I'm afraid that given the advanced state of amnesia here, the answer might not be in the least helpful.
Now Well, helpful or not, shouldn't we hear it? Mr Rumpole, as a solicitor of some little experience, may I interject here? - If you have to.
- Dr Bleen will correct me if I'm wrong.
But he's prepared to give evidence that at the relevant moment Yes, well, so far I have no idea as to when the relevant moment was.
Mr Delgado's mind was so affected that he didn't know the nature of his act.
- Nor did he know it was wrong.
- I see.
You think he was giving Tosher a warm welcome to the Rent Collector's Union? It's not how I suggest we put it to the judge.
How do you suggest we tell it to the old sweetheart? - Guilty but insane, Mr Rumpole.
- Oh We rather anticipated your advice would be guilty but insane in law.
Have you anticipated what the prosecution might say? Peter's been examined by Dr Stotter from the Home Office.
You won't find him unhelpful.
We play squash together.
We've had a word about this case.
What rum things you do talk about on the squash court.
It always struck me as a good game to avoid.
Well, Pete, you'll be wanting to get back to your television.
Oh, just one question before you go - did you stab Tosher MacBride? I don't think the answer will be at all reliable.
I dare say you may even think the question unreliable, Doctor, but I'm asking it just the same.
Because if you did, we'll call the good shrink here and Dr Stotter fresh from his squash court, and they'll let you off lightly.
You'll go to Broadmoor, at Her Majesty's pleasure.
No doubt, Her Majesty will be thinking of you constantly.
You'll get a lot more telly, you'll get some exciting basket weaving, and a handful of pills every night to keep you quiet.
If you're very good, they might let you weed the doctors' garden or play cricket against the warders second eleven, but I can't offer you these delights until I know, did you stab Tosher? - I think my patient's tired.
- He's not your patient.
He's my client! Dr Bleen has joined us at great personal inconvenience.
Then I wouldn't dream of detaining him a moment longer.
Good day, gentlemen.
(Door shuts) - Did you do it, Petey? - I c-c - Killed him? - Couldn't of! He was already c-cut, when I see him.
You see I can't let you get sent to hospital unless you did it, but if you didn't, we'll just have to fight the case.
(Yells) I want you to f-fight it! - I'm not going in the nuthouse! - All right.
It's all right.
Oh, it's all right.
If we do fight it, Petey, we may lose.
Do you understand that? My b-brothers said you're tip top l-lawyer.
- Mr Rumpole - Really? Let's say I've picked up a few tricks over the years.
Now then, hadn't you better tell me exactly what happened the night Tosher was stabbed? - Rumpole.
- Hmm Oh! You're a late bird.
Yeah.
Just trying to feather my nest with a rather juicy little murder.
Maurice Nooks tells me he's not taking in a leader.
That's right.
Well, the last time I led you wasn't a succès fou.
I'm rather a back seat driver, I'm afraid.
Of course, you're an old hand at crime.
Good God, I thought you were going to say old lag for a minute.
- It's a question of tactics in this case.
- Hmm.
Maurice said that if I appeared, it might look as if they'd overegged the pudding.
Whatever pudding are you talking about? Well, in silk, an MP of a certain prominence, might make it look as if this Peter what's-his-name was in a bigger league, if you know what I mean.
You think the jury would prefer a bit of good plain cooking? - You put things rather well sometimes.
- Thank you.
But if I can be of any help, unofficially.
I'll call on you if I can't remember how to cross-examine.
I admit I lack the polish that makes it sound as polite as examination-in-chief.
That offer was made in all sincerity, you know.
Then in all sincerity, I can manage on my own.
Horace er, look I'm rather anxious to put to an end any sort of rift between the two senior men of Chambers.
It doesn't make for a happy ship.
- Aye-aye, sir! - Yes, well, I'm glad you agree.
Sérieusement, Horace, we don't see enough of each other socially.
Look, I've got a couple of tickets for the Scales Of Justice Ball at the Savoy.
Why don't you join me and Marigold? - Let's get this straight, Featherstone.
- Oh, Guthrie.
Let's get this straight, Guthrie.
Are you seriously asking me to trip the light fantastic toe with your wife? - And you bring your good lady.
- My? Your, er, missus.
Are you by any chance referring to She Who Must Be Obeyed? Are you considering spending an evening out with She? - It'll be great fun.
- Do you really think so? Er, Horace this is rather embarrassing.
Er, your name cropped up on the bench at our Inn last week.
I was lunching with Mr Justice Prestcold.
Ho ho, that must have been a jolly occasion.
- Like having dinner with the Macbeths.
- Er, yes.
He asked who I had in Chambers and I told him, Horace Rumpole, inter alia.
You know, I can't actually imagine Frank Prestcold eating.
I suppose he may be brought to smell the bouquet of a grated carrot.
And he said, "Do you mean the fellow with the disgraceful hat?" Justice Prestcold was talking about my hat? Yes.
He seemed to think Forgive me for raising this, but, er, he seemed to think that your hat set the worst possible example to the younger men at the Bar.
Well, you can tell Mr Justice Prestcold from me, when next you share the Benchers' Vegetarian Platter, that the last time I appeared before him I took exception to his cuff links.
To me they looked just as cheap and glassy as his eyes.
Don't take offence, Horace.
It doesn't do to take offence at one of Her Majesty's judges.
Well, we'll look forward to the Savoy, and the best to your good lady.
Ow! (Hums) - (Hilda) Rumpole? - She Who Must Be Obeyed.
(Bellows) Yes, dear? (Mutters) Inland Revenue, electricity What are you doing to the post? - Just throwing it away.
- Whatever for? You always throw it away the first time or you just encourage them to send more bills.
If you had a few decent cases, Rumpole, if you weren't always slumming around the Magistrates Courts, you might not be throwing away bills all the time.
- What's that? - I think it's the gas.
I never saw a gas bill with a gold crest on it.
- It's an invitation.
- Yes.
To the Savoy Hotel.
Mr and Mrs Horace Rumpole.
- You wouldn't enjoy it.
- Why? Oh, you know what it's like.
Prawn cocktails and boiled shirts.
Watching a lot of desiccated judges pushing their overfed wives round the parquet to selections from Oklahoma! .
It would do you good.
It's the sort of place you ought to be seen at.
The Scales Of Justice Ball.
- It's impossible.
- I don't see why.
Well, we're invited by that woman, Marigold Featherstone.
She's the wife of your Head Of Chambers.
She is an old boot.
Marigold Featherstone is a domestic tyrant.
A termagant.
Do you know what Guthrie calls her, behind her back, of course? She Who Must Be Obeyed.
- No! - Yes.
Isn't that awful? No, the ball is out.
You and Marigold wouldn't hit it off at all.
Must fly, murder calls.
Why ever didn't you tell me we're back to murder? Oh, this is good news.
Better fun than dancing.
Morning, judge! (Laughter) (Rumpole) 'Mr Justice Prestcold.
'He's discussing my hat again.
'Oh, really! Isn't the crime rate rising? 'Isn't the state encroaching on our liberties? 'Isn't Magna Carta tottering? 'Whither habeas corpus? 'What's to be done about the 12-year-old girls 'who are making advances to old men in cinemas? 'What I mean is, haven't the judges of England got enough on their plates 'without worrying about my bloody hat? ' You can't do it to Peter, you can't do it.
How can he fight the case? Notice of additional evidence.
Prosecution witness - Bernard Whelpton, known as Four Eyes.
You read what Four Eyes has to say.
Whelpton's evidence doesn't help.
I'm sure you'll agree.
"Tosher MacBride used to take the mick out of Peter Delgado "on account he stammered and didn't have no girlfriends.
"One night I saw Petey try to speak to a girl in the Paradise Rooms.
" That's my club.
"He was asking the girl to have a drink but his stutter was so bad, "Tosher said,"Come on, darling, it'll be breakfast time "before this silly git finishes asking for a light ale.
" Oh, charming! "After that I heard Peter Delgado say as he'd get Tosher.
- "He said he'd like to cut him one night.
" - He's not a well boy! And what's Mama gonna feel, her Petey going through all that for nothing? "When I came out the Old Justice pub, I see Tosher on the pavement "and Peter Delgado kneeling beside him with his arms round his neck.
" You know, it's an odd thing, nobody actually saw this stabbing.
No, but Peter was there, wasn't he? And the knife, what about the knife? Well, in my humble opinion, the knife in the car is damning.
So, what's the answer about the knife? Yes, Mr Delgado, what indeed? I might've had doubts about this case if you hadn't proved to me that your brother is innocent.
I did? Yes, when you sent Dr Lewis Bleen to see him, the head-shrinker extraordinaire, the guru of "What's Bugging You?" Cures for listeners' neuroses every Thursday afternoon on Radio 4.
Mr Delgado, if you had done a stabbing and all the evidence was dead against you and along comes lovely Dr Bleen and offers you a nice trip to the hospital, wouldn't you take it? You mean Peter turned it down? Course he did.
He may not be all that bright, poor old darling.
But he knows bloody well he didn't stab Tosher MacBride.
Thank you, Mr Rumpole.
(Hilda) Rumpole! Rumpole, you look quite different.
Rumpole! I know what it is, you've got a new hat.
You went out and bought a new hat without me.
A bowler.
Daddy always used to wear a bowler.
Well, I think it's an improvement.
Whatever are you doing to the washing up? Eh? I was thinking about the blood.
- If you stab down more than once - Careful! you get a spray of blood over a wide area.
Be careful.
It's all over your clothes.
Yes, exactly, all over the place, not one great big soaking patch.
- There's plenty on the cuff, feel that.
- Your cuffs are soaking.
- Why couldn't you roll up your sleeves? - Not there, that's perfectly dry.
For goodness' sake, leave the washing up alone and let me finish it later on.
Oh, I spoke to Marigold Featherstone this morning.
- What? - She doesn't sound like an old boot.
So why won't you take me to the Scales Of Justice Ball? - Because.
- Because what? - We are in the autumn of our years.
- Oh, thank you very much.
"Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness.
"Close bosomed friend of the maturing sun.
" Etcetera.
- Why? - "Where are the songs of Spring? "Aye, where are they? "Think not on them, thou hast thy music too.
" But not jigging up and down like a couple of punk rockers at a dance.
I doubt they have punk rockers at the Savoy.
Doesn't it occur to you, Rumpole, that we never go anywhere? I am perfectly content.
I have no longing to go to the ball like bloody Cinderella.
- Well, I have.
- Hilda, I can't dance.
- You can't what? - I can't dance.
- Don't ask me, I can't dance.
- You're lying, Rumpole.
Just cast your mind back to August 14th, 1938.
Oh, God, what happened then? We met, Rumpole.
As a matter of fact, it was when we met.
- I shouldn't expect you to remember.
- 1938.
Of course! I did the Euston bank robbery, led by your father.
- Led by Daddy.
- Led by Daddy! You were young, Rumpole Well, comparatively young.
And where exactly did we meet? I'm sure you can't remember that.
- Er at a bus stop! - At a bus stop! Of course it wasn't at a bus stop.
We met in a tent.
- A tent? - Well, a marquee.
There was a band and champagne and some sort of cold collation.
Daddy took me to the Inns of Court Ball to meet the bright young men in Chambers.
He told me how helpful you'd been on blood groups.
Hopeless on blood, dear old Daddy.
He couldn't look at those terrible photographs.
And we danced together, Rumpole.
We actually waltzed together.
Waltzing's different.
It's just going round and round.
Well, we can waltz together again, Rumpole.
But you better get into training for it, because when I rang Marigold Featherstone I told her that we should be delighted to accept the invitation.
So it's all right, is it, if I RSVP it? 'Fate span her bloody wheel.
'And I've got Mr Justice Prestcold 'for my first murder in years without a leader.
'Many a decent gambler would've shot himself for less.
'Frank Prestcold who took grave exception to my hat.
'What's he staring at now? 'Fly buttons undone? No, he can't see them.
'Wig? Well, the wig is a bit battered.
'I got it second-hand from an ex-Chief Justice of Tonga in 1932.
'Oh, do listen to the evidence, Prestcold, stop staring at me.
' Finally, Mr Whelpton, I take it you haven't given this evidence out of enmity against the man in the dock? No.
I'm Petey's friend.
We was at university together.
- My Lord.
- Did you say something, Mr Rumpole? Only that I have an objection to make, My Lord, in the absence of the jury.
I've got a bit of information that'll destroy Mr Bernie Four Eyes Whelpton.
- What is it? - Ten years ago, at East Ham Minicabs.
- Bernie Whelpton got done for perjury.
- You'd better give me the details.
What is the basis of your objection, Mr Rumpole? The evidence that this gentleman was at university with your client seems fairly harmless.
This may come as a surprise to Your Lordship.
May it, Mr Rumpole? But my client is not an old King's man.
He did not meet Mr Four Eyes Whelpton at a May Ball during Eighth Week.
The University referred to by Mr Whelpton is Parkhurst Prison.
Mr Rumpole, I very much doubt whether the average juryman has your intimate knowledge of the argot of the underworld.
Your Lordship is too complimentary.
However, I appreciate your anxiety to keep your client's past record out of the case.
I think no harm has been done.
Shall we have the jury back? As Your Lordship pleases.
- First cock-up by the judge.
- I'm only the articled clerk.
Poor old darling spent his life at the Bar in Town Planning.
Mr Nooks just stepped outside.
Has as much idea of crime as I have of higher mathematics.
- (Judge) Are you ready to proceed? - Still, we do have a point for appeal - (Judge) Are you ready to proceed? - Still, we do have a point for appeal Oh, yes, My Lord, quite ready.
So he's got that conviction, perjury.
Rumpole'll have to put it in.
I'll let him know.
Mr Whelpton, when you saw my client, Peter Delgado, kneeling beside Tosher MacBride on the pavement, did he have an arm round Mr MacBride's neck? - Yes.
- Supporting his head from beneath? I suppose so, yeah.
Rather in the attitude of a doctor trying to assist a wounded man? (Judge) I didn't know your client had any medical qualifications, Mr Rumpole.
Did you say something, My Lord? I didn't understand your client was a doctor.
This time Your Lordship is perfectly right.
He isn't.
Could I see exhibit one, please, the sheath knife? When my client was holding Mr MacBride, could you see his hands? - Yeah.
- Anything in them, was there? Not as I saw.
- He wasn't holding this knife? - Look, I didn't see no knife.
If my learned friend remembers, the knife was found in the car.
Exactly.
So my client stabbed Mr MacBride, ran to his car, dropped the knife in, then ran back to comfort Tosher as he died.
Is that it? He might've slipped the knife in his pocket.
- Er, Mr Rumpole.
- My Lord? This is not a time for arguing your case.
It is a time for asking questions.
If you feel your point has any substance, you will no doubt remind the jury of it when you come to make your final address, at some time in the, no doubt, distant future.
I'm grateful to Your Lordship, and no doubt Your Lordship will remind the jury of it in your summing up, if it slips my memory.
It's such an unanswerable point for the defence.
Mr Whelpton, did you see Tosher MacBride stabbed? - I was in the Old Justice, wasn't I? - Well, you tell us.
Well, I'm telling you, I was in the snug.
Thank you, and when you came out, Tosher Would it not be more respectful to call that good man, the deceased, Mr MacBride? If you like.
When you came out, that good man, Mr MacBride, was bleeding in my client's arms? That was the first I saw of him, yes.
And when he saw you, Mr Delgado let go of that good man, Mr MacBride, ran to his car and drove away.
How did he get into his car? He just pulled the door open.
So, the door was unlocked? Oh! I suppose it was, yeah.
Er, don't go too fast, Mr Whelpton, My Lord wants the opportunity to take a note.
(Sighs) (Rumpole) So, he did not have to unlock the door of his car? - No, sir.
- (Rumpole) Thank you.
We'll adjourn for luncheon now.
Five minutes past two, members of the jury.
(Usher) Silence and be upstanding! (Rumpole) 'Bye-bye for now, old darling.
Enjoy your nut cutlet.
' What are you playing at? Why didn't you use Bernie's conviction? You really want to know? This is the boy's mother, Mr Rumpole.
We all want to know.
Point one.
So far, I have kept your brother's record out of this case.
If I produce the convictions of a prosecution witness, the jury will know about Petey's 12-month stretch for unlawful wounding in 1970.
- Do you want that? - I was only Point two.
Mr Whelpton's perjury was for forging a passport application.
And point three, I need my lunch.
Mr Rumpole, I'm only the boy's mother Don't underestimate yourself, madam, you have bred three sons who've given a lot of employment to the legal profession.
(Sobbing) For God's sake, what've we got here? Exactly what you asked for, Mr Delgado.
The counsel of your choice.
Lunch? Inspector, you photographed Mr Delgado's old Daimler when you got it back to the station? Yes.
Exactly as you'd found it outside the Paradise Rooms? Exactly.
With the driver's door unlocked, and the window open? Yes, we found the car unlocked.
So it would've been easy for anyone to have thrown something in through the window, or indeed to put something in through the driver's door? I don't follow you, sir.
Something? Something like this knife, for instance, could've been thrown into Mr Delgado's car in a matter of moments.
- I suppose so.
- By the true murderer, whoever it was.
When he was running away.
'Note from the judge.
"'Your bands are falling down and showing your collar stud.
"'No doubt you would wish to adjust it.
" 'What is this, a murder trial or a bloody fashion parade? ' (Rips note) Inspector, we have heard Mr Tosher MacBride described as a rent collector.
Is there to be an attack on the dead man's character? I don't know, I'm sure there are charming rent collectors, just as there are absolute darlings in the Inland Revenue.
- (Laughter) - (Judge) Silence.
- Where were rents collected? - Businesses.
- What sort of businesses? - Cafes, My Lord, pubs, minicab offices.
And do you know what remedies were taken if the rents were not paid? I assume proceedings were taken in the County Court.
Alas, My Lord, some people have no legal training.
If the rents were not paid, sometimes these business premises caught on fire, did they not? Sometimes they did.
To put it bluntly, that good man, Tosher MacBride, was a collector for a protection racket.
(Judge) Well, officer, was he? Yes, My Lord, I have reason to believe that he was.
And if Mr MacBride had been sticking to the money he'd collected, that would've provided a strong motive for murder for someone other than my client.
Stronger than a few unkind words about his speech impediment.
That surely is a question for the jury, is it not, Mr Rumpole? Indeed it is, My Lord, and for no one else in this court.
Leslie! Mr Thistleton, as a scientific officer you have lived with bloodstains almost as long as I have? Almost.
And you examined the clothing worn by my client on the night in question? - I have, My Lord.
- You examined all the pockets? - I have.
- Are there bloodstains in the pockets? There are none.
So, there can be no question of a bloodstained knife having been hidden in any pocket while my client was nursing the deceased in his arms? - Well, of course not.
- Ah, you find the suggestion amusing? Yes, I do.
The idea is ridiculous.
You'll be interested to know, it's on that ridiculous idea the prosecution's basing its case.
- My Lord! - Yes.
That was a most improper observation, Mr Rumpole.
Then I pass from it with despatch, My Lord.
Mr Thistleton, had my client stabbed Tosher MacBride repeatedly in the neck, you would expect a spray of blood over a wide area of clothing? You might have found that.
With small drops spattered from repeated forceful blows? I should've expected it.
- In fact, you found nothing of the sort? - No.
And you would've found blood on the cuff of the coat or the shirt? Most probably.
Instead, all we have is a large soaked patch in the crook of the left arm? Yes.
Consistent with my client merely having supported the deceased's head as he lay bleeding in his arms? - Not inconsistent.
- "Not inconsistent"! Mr Thistleton, doesn't not inconsistent when translated into plain English mean consistent? - Yes, it does.
- Thank you.
There you are, Petey.
Your brother wants to sack me.
Mr Delgado is a little perturbed at the course this case is taking.
Mr Leslie Delgado is not my client.
He thinks we're on the wrong side of the judge.
Would he like to point out, for my personal information, the right side of Mr Justice Prestcold? Who does his lordship think he is, court correspondent for The Tailor And Cutter? Look, Petey, old sweetheart, I've abandoned that judge.
He'll sum up dead against you, that's obvious.
But if we let the jury think he's the sort of bloke that shoves Airwick up his nose every time he smells a real human being, we might've got somewhere.
- Wouldn't you agree? - Mr Delgado is definitely dissatisfied.
This puts me in a very embarrassing position.
Oh, cheer up, Nooks, old darling.
Your position isn't nearly as embarrassing as Petey's.
Well, do I go or stay? And now, members of the jury, And now, members of the jury, I would like to draw your attention to a man we have not seen.
He is not in the dock, he has not appeared in the witness box.
I don't know where he is now.
Perhaps he is savouring the delights of the Costa Brava, lying beside the heated swimming pool with his aperitif, and reading his airmail edition of the Daily Express.
Perhaps he is very near to this court, waiting for news.
Wherever he is, I shall call him Mr X.
Did Mr X employ Tosher MacBride as a collector in one of his protection rackets, and had Tosher MacBride betrayed his trust? So that on that fateful night outside the Old Justice pub, Mr X waited with this knife and when he saw his faithless servant emerge from the shadows, he struck.
Not once, not twice, but you have heard the evidence, three times in the neck.
(Judge clears throat) But you are the only judges of facts in this case.
And if you find Peter Delgado guilty, then Mr X will smile and order up champagne, because wherever he is, he will know that he is safe, at last.
(TV) 'The jury are still out in the Bermondsey murder case.
'Summing up today, the judge told the seven men and five women, 'that if they thought there was any force 'in the defence argument they would acquit, 'but that the evidence for the prosecution was "almost overwhelming".
' (Radio) 'Earlier, Mr Horace Rumpole, the defence, 'had suggested the guilt of an unknown man, a "Mr X"' (Phone rings) ' who would "smile and order up champagne" if Peter Delgado ' Hello.
Rumpole! What? No, they're not back, they've been out for hours.
Well, yes, I'll just have to meet you there.
No, I can change in Chambers.
Ah, Hilda, I want this firmly understood, I am not dancing.
Under no (Usher) The jury's coming back.
I think we've got a verdict.
Jury's back! Farewell! "Trailing clouds of glory, do we come.
" Well, Petey! What are you so bloody miserable about? They might've found you guilty.
Well, where's the champagne? I expected a party.
Ah, come on, cheer up.
My God, I don't know what you'd be like if you'd lost.
- I was meant to l-Iose.
- Who meant you to? The prosecution? Of course.
Mr Justice Prestcold, indubitably.
Fate, destiny, the spirit of the universe? Not as it turned out.
The verdict was written in the stars.
"Not guilty of murder.
" "And is that the verdict of you all?" That's why they c-chose you.
I was meant to l-Iose.
I don't follow.
Bloke while I was w-waiting in the cell used to know Bernie Four Eyes.
He told me why my b-brothers chose you to defend me.
Oh, well, I do have a certain reputation in the Temple, you know.
My crown may be a bit tarnished.
Been doing too many indecent assaults lately.
He heard 'em talking round the P-P-Paradise Rooms 'bout this old fella, Rumpole.
Did you know that the Penge Bungalow Murders are in Notable British Trials? I suppose I may have become a bit of a household name in criminal circles.
They was looking for a b-b-barrister that was sure to l-l-Iose.
I suppose after this I can get back to a better quality of crime.
What did you say? They wanted m-m-me defended by someone they could c-c-count on for a guilty verdict.
That's why they p-p-picked you for it.
They wanted to fit me up with doing Tosher.
You mean your brothers picked me to nobble your defence? That's it.
You was to be the j-j-jockey that pulled me back.
And how did they come to light on me? Me, Rumpole of the Bailey? Heard of an old bloke, down to little bits and p-p-pieces round the M-Magistrates C-Court.
Bit of a m-muddler.
- Got p-past it, with a funny old t-titfer.
- That bloody hat, again.
So they r-reckoned you was just the bloke to lose.
I shouldn't have told you.
Perhaps it's all l-lies.
You hear lots of s-s-stories in the cells under the B-B-Bailey.
Yes.
Up in the Bar mess, too.
They rubbish your reputation.
- Have a cigar.
- All right.
Well, Petey where does this leave you? Well, I'd say, Mr Rumpole, none too s-s - Safe? - Yeah.
What about you? - What? - Where does it l-leave you? Oh.
Yes.
(Applause) (Rumpole) Well done, most delightful.
(Hilda) You look charming, my dear.
- (Hilda) Really, Rumpole, She.
- She? - (Marigold) She? - Oh, She.
A woman of fabulous beauty.
Written up by H Rider Haggard.
Waiter, the tide's gone out.
Your husband's had a good win.
He hasn't had just a good win, Guthrie, he's had a triumph! A triumph, and solely due to my old hat.
- Here's to it.
- What? My triumph, or rather my great opportunity, is due to my hat.
- Nonsense! - It was.
He's talking nonsense.
He does, you know, from time to time.
No, Wumpole run because, er Rumpole won because he knows so much about blood.
- Really? - Well, Daddy You remember my late Daddy, don't you? Of course you do.
He used to be your Head of Chambers.
Daddy told me, Rumpole, Daddy told me In fact, he told me on the occasion of the Inns of Court Ball which is practically the last dance we went to.
- Hilda - No.
Don't interrupt me.
Horace Rumpole, Daddy told me, knows more about bloodstains than anyone we've got in Chambers.
Give over, Hilda.
Marigold's gone quite pale.
Don't you find it, well, sordid sometimes? - What? - Crime.
Don't you find it terribly sordid? Do be careful, don't knock it, Marigold.
I think it must be sordid.
Abolish crime, you abolish the very basis of our existence.
- Oh, come on, Horace.
- He's right.
He knows about bloodstains.
Abolish crime, we would all vanish.
The prawn cocktail, the duck à I'orange, the selections from Oklahoma! , the cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces.
What do you think pays for all this? - Blood.
- Crime.
- Don't you help them? - Don't I what? Help them.
Doing all these crimes.
I mean, after all, you get them off.
Ah, not today, Marigold.
I didn't help them.
No.
I wasn't grateful.
You got Peter Delgado off.
- For one reason.
- What was that? - Blood.
- He was innocent.
Oh, Horace, how can you be sure of that? You know it's a most extraordinary thing, my learned friend.
We go through all the mumbo jumbo.
We put on the wig and the gown.
We mutter the ritual prayers, "If Your Lordship pleases," "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
" - Abracadabra.
Fee Fi Fo Bloody Fum.
- Yes, well And just when everybody thinks you're going to produce the most ludicrously faked piece of cheesecloth ectoplasm, there it is! Clear as a bell.
The truth.
Don't you find that? - There are two ways - It's bloody scaring sometimes, eh? Ha ha, but there it is, the truth! Naked and embarrassing.
Ha ha! Oh, Nooks.
Shady Nooks.
Excuse me.
I'd like to con with you in the morning, Mr Featherstone.
- Really? Why, what's happened? - It was on the news.
They've arrested Leslie Delgado, for the murder of MacBride.
- Oh, surprise, surprise! - Is there any evidence? They discovered MacBride was working for Leslie.
And there are witnesses who'll say they heard Leslie setting it up.
The Robertson family.
Would you like to take me on, Nooks? Or is that overegging the pudding? Yes, in that case you will want early advice on evidence.
Get me all the form on the Robertsons.
What was that, Rumpole? - Hilda.
- Yes, dear.
What is it? - I have the most extraordinary feeling.
- What is it, what do you want? I want I want I want to dance.
Oh! - Come along, my darling.
- Excuse us.
(Rumpole) Mind the step! I'll have the last waltz with you Two sleepy people together I'm so in love with you The last waltz will last forever (Laughter) Very nice! International Broadcast Facilities