Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e06 Episode Script

[PHONE RINGS.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
That's for me.
Hello.
Hi, Harvey.
Sure, ask away.
Wait, one second.
- Aunt Zelda, do you mind? - Oh, no, go right ahead.
No, I mean would you leave me alone? Oh, I get it.
Sorry.
You were saying? [SALEM SNICKERING.]
One more sec.
Salem, are you spying on me? I'm a cat, I'm curious, so kill me.
- Out.
SALEM: Fine.
I understand the delicacy of the moment.
[SINGING.]
Harvey and Sabrina Harvey and Sabrina [SALEM LAUGHS.]
You were asking? No, Mr.
Pool said photosynthesis would not be on the test.
Is that it? Okay.
Yeah, see you tomorrow.
LOUISA: There, there.
I'm sure Harvey will ask you out on a date someday.
Thanks, Louisa.
You were listening? I have no privacy in this house.
[SINGING.]
Harvey and Sabrina Harvey and Sabrina Feeling groovy.
Far out.
I just don't get how people can dance with all these tables here.
Sasha, we'll move the tables.
It looks like I'm going to the dance.
- Who with? - Me.
Dates are just society's way of keeping numbers even.
I'm gonna represent all things that are odd.
And I'm sure that's exactly how people will see it.
Do you wanna come with me? We could go alone, together.
No, thanks.
I was thinking it might be kind of fun to go with Harvey.
- Are you gonna ask him? - Oh, I can't.
I don't wanna complicate our friendship.
What if he asked you? Oh, well, I don't mind if he complicates our friendship.
Hey, Harvey.
Over here.
Thanks for waving.
I might not have spotted you at the same table where we always sit.
So do you have plans for the dance tomorrow night? Oops.
Gotta run.
Man, I've never seen her move so fast.
So you were saying about the dance? Oh, I probably won't go.
School dances aren't my thing.
How about you? Oh, I haven't made any plans, you know, yet.
- Hi, Harvey.
Can I borrow a finger? - Sure.
Excuse me, we were talking.
Other people have fingers too, you know? Yes, but Harvey works out.
And by the way, Harvey, I was thinking you and I could go to the dance together, okay? - Okay.
LIBBY: Great.
Thanks for helping.
Okay? I thought you said school dances weren't your thing.
They're not.
I panicked.
I have a hard time saying no.
I really should work on that.
No.
Aunt Zelda, I need help.
- Well, of course.
What is it? - Well, it's kind of private.
- Did someone say private? - Yes.
I'm intrigued.
Continue.
Okay, I'll tell you my problem if you promise to keep it a secret.
Well, I wanted to go to the dance tonight with this guy.
- Harvey.
- Right.
- But he's going with this other girl.
- Libby.
Okay, and then what happens? Oh, sweetie, if Harvey likes Libby, that's his choice.
No, but I don't think he does.
I mean, she asked him.
And because he has a problem saying no, he said yes.
Then why didn't you ask him? Because then he would know that I liked him.
- But you do.
- Yes, but I can't tell him that.
Have you at least dropped a hint? Well, I smile at him a lot, and sometimes when we play foosball, I let him win.
He'll never figure it out that way.
If you like Harvey, you'll have to tell him.
You may even wanna use one of these.
A sledgehammer? I think I'd rather just use a love spell, but I can't seem to find one in my magic book.
Oh, Sabrina, I hate to disappoint you, but there is no love spell.
Love is far too precious to tamper with.
You mean too weird.
That's why there's no standardiZed formula.
Although Calvin Klein came remarkably close with Obsession.
So being a witch doesn't help me at all? Well, in this case, no.
Not necessarily.
You can't make someone love you, but you can imprison them in a ring for not loving you.
See? Hilda, let me out.
Thou art starting to grow on me.
I love the way he catches the light.
Look, trapping Harvey in amber is not exactly what I had in mind.
I think I need to be alone again.
Oh, that privacy thing? Hilda, let's go.
We'll be downstairs if you need us.
That's right.
We're here.
We care.
And we have pie.
That stinks.
Harvey or no Harvey, she should go to the ball.
I mean dance.
Sabrina needs someone who's hip and fun, who'll make her forget Harvey.
I know.
Do we have any Man Dough in the house? Great idea.
I'll race you to the kitchen.
Beat you.
Oh, you are so immature.
SALEM: Do you mind? I'm busy staring into space.
You can do that later.
We're making Sabrina a dream date.
SALEM: Whoa.
My kibble.
Dream date.
Got your nose.
Here's your ears.
There.
Wait a minute.
One arm is shorter than the other.
Hilda, have you been eating dough? No.
Now for the personality glaZe.
Pour it on.
Let's make him a great dancer.
- And a daredevil.
- And a musician.
Do girls still like musicians? Ever since MoZart's Feel the Heat tour.
Uh-oh.
- I overdid the enthusiasm.
- He's going to a high school dance.
He's gonna need all the enthusiasm he can get.
What are you cooking? Something smells - handsome? - Sabrina, you're gonna love it.
We're making you a dream date out of Man Dough.
Man Dough? He'll be tall, dark and yeasty.
Now, he'll last about four hours, which is perfect for your dance.
Yeah, perfect.
Except for the fact that I wanted to go with Harvey, not Poppin' Fresh.
Oh, now, come on, just meet him before you make up your mind.
You're gonna like him.
He's really enthusiastic.
I've already made up my mind.
I'm not going.
[TIMER DINGS.]
- Man's done.
- Man's done.
[GASPING.]
Hey.
Hi.
Man, am I happy to be here.
Wow, he is really cute.
Well, we do nice work.
But if you don't wanna go to the dance-- Changed my mind, I'll go.
Just give me a sec to get ready.
All set.
Gotta go.
Man, you look great.
And this dance sounds fantastic.
Oh, man.
This place is fantastic.
What do you call it? - The cafeteria.
- Cafeteria.
Cafeteria.
I'll have to remember that.
Whoa, great bunting.
Could you keep it down? You're talking kind of loud.
JENNY: Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Who are you? I'm Jenny.
Who are you? This is Chad Corey Dylan.
- Great name.
- Thanks.
Uh, Chad, could you get us some punch? She has the best ideas.
- So, what do you think? - Looks cute.
- Where did you meet him? - Oh, my aunts introduced us.
We rode over on his motorcycle.
I approve.
Yeah, Chad's pretty neat, you know, for an athlete-daredevil-rock musician.
Guess what, they have two flavours, orange and red.
SABRINA: Go easy, Chad.
Well, I'm going to dance.
Wait a second, we can dance here? Yeah, do you like dancing? I'm made to dance.
And I love this song.
Here, excuse me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Sasha, what have I missed? Not much.
Where have you been? We had some engine trouble with the 'vette on the way over.
You drive a Corvette? That's Chevette.
Hey, same manufacturer.
Oh, please.
Oh, my God.
Who's the guy Sabrina's with? His name's Chad Corey Dylan.
And yes, that's his motorcycle outside.
- Well, I guess Sabrina wins.
- I don't think so.
Come on, Harvey.
Let's hit the floor.
Actually, Libby, I don't dance.
Excuse me? This is a dance.
Guess what we do here.
Well, see, for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.
For what? I don't know, something else? I can't believe you did this to me.
Sasha, ladies' room.
- Oh, man, I'm having a great time.
- Me too.
Well, why'd you stop dancing? I just saw someone.
- Who? - Just a friend.
This is fun.
We haven't done this since the Taft administration.
What'd you put in your personality? I gave him lots of optimism.
I want my dream date to be hopeful.
Oh, that's nice.
[TIMER DINGS.]
Mine's done.
Hi, I'm Hilda.
Would you get off my back? I've been looking for work.
Stop riding me.
- He doesn't sound too hopeful.
- Something must've gone wrong.
Did you check the expiration date on the optimism? Oh, no.
It says, "hope fades.
" - Which means - My dream date is hopeless.
Ladies, you wanna break up the hen party? Somewhere, men are competing in a professional sport and I'm missing it.
So where's the TV? Never mind, I'll find it myself.
TV.
TV I have the worst luck with men, even the ones made out of dough.
- Here, do you wanna start over? - Yes.
No.
Wait.
I have an idea.
Maybe I can change him.
Oh, Hilda.
You know that never works.
But I love a challenge.
First, I'll gain his trust by pretending to be interested in sports.
Wait.
Don't you even wanna see who my dream date is? Let me guess.
He's a brave, milk-swilling fireman.
How did you know? I found the calendar in your desk.
Sabrina's right.
There's no privacy in this home.
[TIMER DINGS.]
Oh, hello, kitten.
Got milk? SALEM: What? Oh, sorry.
I thought you're talking to me.
Oh, man.
This is the best night of my life.
Do you mind if we stop? I'm sort of tired.
Oh, sure, go ahead.
Although I gotta say, I love this song.
Oh, well, then keep dancing.
Jenny, cover for me.
All right.
Don't be long, I don't want people thinking I sold out.
Hi, Harvey.
You busy? No, I dropped a chip in the punch.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
So do you.
This is what I wore to school yesterday.
Oh, well, you smell okay.
So where's Libby? Bathroom, I guess.
She's mad at me because I don't dance.
Really? I would have thought you'd be good at that.
Well, I'm okay when it's just me rocking out in my room.
I mean, I don't spin around a pole or anything.
But I get really self-conscious in front of other people.
- We all do.
- Not your date.
Oh, well, Chad's kind of special.
HARVEY: Wow.
You really like him, don't you? No, I meant like different.
Hey, there you are.
Hi, I'm Chad Corey Dylan.
Harvey Dwight Kinkle.
It's nice to meet you.
Hey, Sabrina, you gotta get back here.
You wouldn't believe what you're missing.
A great song? She knows everything.
Oh, you're back.
I thought maybe you'd fallen in.
Charming.
What are you thinking? That ref's a jerk.
You know, we could talk while we watch sports.
I mean, relationships are built on communication.
Why don't you share your feelings? Why don't you share the chips? Simon, the point I'm trying to make-- Look, when we get to a boring commercial, we'll make out.
Until then, you mind? I've never seen a man drink so much milk.
[SIGHS.]
I like milk.
I don't understand why you didn't just say no when I asked you to this dance.
I told you, I'm working on it.
All right, a slow dance.
You know, Chad, I'm really not into slow dances.
Why don't we go over and stand by those chairs? Genius.
That is genius.
This is too weird, even for me.
If you don't wanna be here, just leave.
Look, I don't tell many people this, but-- There he is.
Hi, I'm Libby.
Hi, I'm Chad.
Saw you dancing out there.
You're really good.
Oh, well, I'm also a daredevil and a rock musician.
Oh, really? What instrument do you play? Lead guitar.
Pfft.
Lead guitar.
Hey, Harvey, don't you play an instrument? Yeah, the bassoon.
Wow.
The bassoon.
I think that's really sexy.
Maybe to another bassoon.
Oh, man, I love this song.
Me too.
Unfortunately, my date can't dance.
Yes, he can.
As a matter of fact, Harvey is a wonderful dancer.
Sabrina, technically, that's not true.
Yes, it is.
And why don't you prove it to them? Now.
Okay, maybe I know a few steps.
Yeah, Harvey's dancing alone, all right.
- He's actually better than Chad.
- Much better.
- Did anyone see that? - Everyone saw it.
Now I feel really self-conscious.
- Let's dance.
I feel inspired.
SABRINA: But-- - I better go.
- What? I wanna dance with you now.
Sorry, Libby, but you said I could leave if I wanted to.
I take it back.
You have to dance with me.
Libby, no.
Look, Chad, this doesn't feel right.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, I gotta go.
Harvey? Harvey? Harvey? I'm over here.
I thought you were leaving.
Yeah, well, I wanted to, but now I have to wait for AAA.
Well, I can help you wait.
I'm good at that.
Watch.
Thanks, but shouldn't you be inside with what's-his-name, what's-his-name, what's-his-name? No, he's not really my type.
What, perfect isn't your type? Actually, Harvey, I wanted to talk to you about that.
But it's kind of hard for me.
- What do you mean? - Well, the thing is, I - See-- - Sabrina, what is it? FreeZe.
Look, the thing is I came to this party expecting to have a good time with Chad, but one look at you and it was over.
I mean, I think it's great that we're friends, but sometimes I wish it were more.
I like you, Harvey.
I like you a lot, but I guess for now, this is the closest I can get to saying it to your face.
Thanks for listening.
Did you just say something? Yeah, I said Chad isn't really perfect.
You know, one arm's longer than the other.
Well, I'd better get back.
Sabrina, I was wondering, since we're out here, do you wanna dance? Won't you feel self-conscious? It's just us.
- So do you love this song? - It's okay.
I'm starting to get a little self-conscious.
Okay, I'm there.
Sorry, that's all I can do.
It was enough.
I think I'm ready to go home now.
Well, hey, if you're done with the dance, do you wanna head over to the Slicery and play foosball? Yeah, I love foosball.
Sorry, I've been hanging out with Chad too long.
Well, I'll go tell him I'm leaving.
I like you, Sabrina.
Why can't I say it to her face? Sabrina, you're back.
Chad, we need to talk.
Look, it was sweet of you to bring me to the dance, but you're not the one I wanna be with.
- Well, who do you wanna be with? - Harvey.
That's an excellent choice.
He's a great guy.
You really are a dream date, Chad.
So, uh, it's okay if I leave? Oh, sure.
No, go ahead.
I'll just stay here and miss you.
I don't want you to do that.
Look, you only have two hours left, and I'm sure you love this song, so why not ask Libby to dance? - Can I? I like Libby.
- You like Libby? Sorry, I guess I'm starting to go bad.
All right, foos it or lose it.
Hey, look, same length.
Ha.
So if you live by the past, you die by the past.
They kept the ball on the ground and they were able to convert in the red Zone.
You know, I can't hear Pat Summerall while you're yapping.
- It's a hardware commercial.
- Shh.
He's talking about hammers.
Okay, that's it.
- Done.
- Nineteen seconds.
- Yes.
- Coming through.
Be back in a jiff.
So, what now? Well, I could register your bike or make lasagne for 50.
Could you teach me the Heimlich? Sure, but first I need a milk break to fortify my body and build healthy teeth and bones.
Yes.
I finally got through to Simon.
Well, since my dream date turned out to be a dud, I guess we'll have to share yours.
Oh! Oh, no.
No, I'm not sharing.
- He's mine.
- Be nice.
- I made him.
Let go.
- I won't.
Let go.
Let go.
Now look what you've done.
My milk.
He's damaged now.
Can I have him? Oh, man, I love this song.
You and I are so right for each other.
[COUGHING.]
Must find preservatives.
Chad? Chad? Chad? Chad? Ew.
Oh, gross.
I had a really great time.
Oh, man, I love this song.
Are you a detective? Okay, I'd like to report a missing person.
Chad Corey Dylan.
Well, he's really tall, and he's really cute.
He was last seen dancing with me.
Everyone was looking.
It was so cool.
What? Well, he's only been gone No, I will not wait 24 hours.
Don't you people realise this is the love of my life? Hello? Hello? Ooh!