Saint George (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

All right, Lee, and action! - Ooh! - George.
Lee Trevino, que te pasa? - No tengo mucha energia.
- Ay! Toma esto! Ay! La Energia! La Energia! It's a hole in one! - La Energia! Toma! - And cut! - Excellent try, thank you! - Whoo! - That was really great.
- Hey, Lee, thank you so much.
- No problem, my friend.
- I really appreciate it.
Hey, you're the reason I started playing golf, man.
Without you, I only thought Mexicans were good at a country club to cut the grass.
What are you doing Saturday? I've got a little charity Pro-Am at the Woodlands.
- The Woodlands? - Yeah.
- Lee, that's my club! - I know.
And you wanna play? Wait a minute, you want me to play golf with you? - I do.
- Lee, nothing could keep me from it.
- I'll see you there.
- All right.
Thank you.
I'm playing golf with Lee Trevino! Hush falls over the crowd.
Lopez is one putt away from becoming the first Mexican to win the U.
S.
Open since his new best friend Lee Trevino.
He takes the putter back, Johnny.
The ball is on the way.
It looks good.
It's in the hole! Lopez is the new champion! Vamanos! Night! Always cleaning.
That's the only part of you that's still Mexican.
No.
I got unwanted relatives living with me too.
That's Mexican.
You know what, you don't even know how to do that.
Oh! - My ass! - Mom, are you all right? No, I'm fine.
Just leave me on the floor.
That wouldn't be right.
Somebody could walk in and trip over you and hurt themselves.
I'm taking you to the emergency room.
No, you're not! It's full of Mexicans with no money.
Then you'll fit right in.
Come on, let's go.
Uh What are you doing? I'm trying to figure out a way to carry you but without actually touching you.
All right.
Don't put your hand there unless you buy me a margarita first.
Oh! Okay, hold on, don't move.
All right.
I'm sure you've heard this before, Mom.
Roll over.
I'm taking you to the emergency room.
- Ay! - Okay.
Can you make it the rest of the way? - What? - Okay.
1x06 - Carry on Wayward Son 'Sup, fool? - How are you feeling? - Sore.
Like the morning after your father came home drunk on mezcal and made you.
- I ate the worm that night.
- Oh.
How did the brothers Grimm miss that fairy tale? Okay, listen.
Here are your painkillers, okay? You heard the doctor.
Mom, you have a bruised tailbone, so you gotta stay in bed for three days.
He also gave me the number of a, uh, home care nurse.
No nurses.
They're all negras who will go through my underwear drawer and steal my valuables.
All right, I'll get you a Filipino then! They'll steal the neighbor's dog and eat it.
All right, then I'll get you a Mexican nurse.
They're the worst! Mexicanos.
They'll steal everything.
Then they'll wear it in front of you and say, "oh, this? It was a gift.
" You're my son.
You take care of me.
You know, I don't know if I want the responsibility of keeping you alive.
I gotta be honest, I lack the motivation.
Juanita's son sat with her day and night - when she broke her leg.
- Oscar? He pushed her down those stairs so he could steal her check.
But the point is he took care of her.
This is what we do.
We take care of our own.
All right! No nurse.
- Can I get you anything? - Some water.
- Be right back.
- George! From the tap.
None of that bottled water you buy.
You know who buys water? Stupids.
- Okay.
- George! And when you come back you gotta cut my toenails, please.
Last night the fungus came back.
- Did you forget something? - Dad, my bassoon class? Oh, man, I'm sorry, Harper I forgot to pick you up.
Grandma fell and I had to take her to the hospital.
Yes.
She's gonna be fine.
Thanks you for asking.
- What happened? - She bruised her tailbone.
- She's stuck upstairs in bed.
- That's terrible.
Harper, go play the bassoon for your grandma, that Bulgarian folk song you don't know very well.
I don't want to.
Grandma is like a gremlin.
I know.
But do it for me.
Do it for all of us.
And you're right too.
She is like a gremlin.
Look, I'm sorry I forgot to pick up Harper, but my mom has been running me ragged all day.
How long is she going to be laid up? For three days.
She can't get out of bed.
I can't find anybody to watch her.
And right when I'm supposed to play golf - with Lee Trevino tomorrow.
- Lee Trevino! He's your idol! I know.
Playing golf with Lee Trevino's like a dream come true! - Like a dream come true! - Not gonna happen.
- Come on! - No way I'm watching your mother.
- Hire a nurse.
- She won't let me.
She won't let you.
So you're gonna give up on your dream because of your mother? I wouldn't have to give up on my dream if you would watch her.
George, she is getting older.
She is gonna get sick.
One day you might have to put her in a home.
I'm not putting my mom in a home like you did to your dad the first time he couldn't remember where he put his car keys.
My dad is very happy at Sunset Acres.
He has friends, they have activities, there's some talk of getting a bunny.
Yeah, it sounds delightful.
When was the last time you went to visit him? Well I am very busy with Harper.
- And my charity work.
- Hm.
And I hate going there.
How can a place so clean smell so bad? And, like, three of the guys think I'm their dead wife.
You see, that's the difference between us.
Latinos, we take care of our own.
Even if we put them on the couch to rot.
We know they're dead when the mailman comes and they don't go see if their check came.
Hey, fat ass! More ointment! It's itching again! Well, scratch it with one of your gnarly toenails, bitch! Oh, that's how you take care of your own? Yes.
With complete contempt.
At least I'm yelling at her in person, hmm? When was the last time you yelled at your dad in person? He's probably right now petting his sock thinking it's a bunny.
Look how the nose twitches.
Here you go, gentlemen! Huh? Two ice-cold beers.
Look at that condensation.
Thanks for the kettle corn.
It's my favorite both sweet and salty.
How do they do that? Okay, you guys okay? You need anything? Hey, junior, put your feet on the coffee table.
Come on, buddy, huh? Anything else I can get you guys? Okay, what do you want, Georgie? What makes you think I want something? Because you never call me "buddy.
" That's even too white for you, Georgie.
And feet on the coffee table? That's too latino for you.
Okay, I got a little bit of a favor to ask.
You brought the wrong cheese, idiot! I said pepper jack! Okay, a little bit more than a favor to ask.
And help me get out of my brassier.
Take this crazy bitch off my hands! The last time Daddy took care of her her negativity really eroded his self-esteem.
I was questioning my place in the universe.
So there's nothing that'll change your mind? Not even these "Corvette club" pillows? - Huh? - Daddy behold.
Dios mio! And look at the raised stitching, huh? And look at the tassels, made of the finest Corinthian leather.
- And the material? I think it's velvet.
- Or better yet, velour.
Exactly how long would we have surveil her? Two hours, tops.
And tomorrow when I play golf with Lee Trevino.
No way! No way.
Tio, come on, look.
Touch it, feel it.
Huh? Wow.
It's soft.
- Like the fuzz on a sun-ripened peach.
- Huh? Put it to your cheek.
Put it to your cheek.
- There you go.
- Put it to my cheek too, Georgie.
The girl at the car wash said they're limited edition.
Hey, they're made from the same material as a Santa suit.
Look-it.
Who don't love Santa? Watch out! - Tough decision, huh, Daddy? - Okay, we'll do it! - Yeah.
- I want a sponge bath! - Okay, I gotta go! - No, no! Hi, papi.
How about we shut the door and play a game? "Musical face.
" When the music stop, guess where I'm sitting.
How about if we play hide-and-seek? - Ooh! - Okay, close your eyes.
I'll hide.
And let me give you a hint.
I'ma be somewhere in Dubai.
Come on, what's the hurry? A hot guy should use that energy for something else.
What, like running away while my testicles recede into my lower abdomen? No, listen.
My Mom fell and I have to go home and take care of her.
Then why are you hanging around here flirting with me? I mean, is she okay? Is there anything I can do? Yeah, let me leave.
No, come on, George.
Be serious, okay? You need help with her, call me.
I'm available.
Yes, I know you're available.
Every time I see you you tell me "you're available.
" Stop! Come on.
I've taken care of plenty of elderly family members in my life.
How do you think I got arms like this, huh? Who needs the gym when you're lifting a 200-pound uncle off the toilet? Well, thanks for the offer.
I don't need anyone to lift her off the toilet.
I'm looking for somebody that might be able to flush her.
- Hey, pass me the gordy almonds.
- Roger.
Oh, come on.
Tio.
Junior.
Come on.
Hey! Why are you guys playing video games when you should be taking care of my mom? 'Cause she keeps blowing that damn horn at us! Well, where did she get the damn horn? I gave it to her.
She kept maligning me and calling me "a idiot.
" You should proud of yourself.
You proved her wrong.
Oh, we gotta get outta here.
All right, listen, I'll see you guys in the morning.
Uh, about that, George.
We have to rescind our previous offer.
We're done taking care of her! - What? - With all her negativity Daddy's self-esteem has started to plummet again.
- I'm at the bottom barrel.
- Okay, wait a minute.
Listen.
I got a chance to play golf with Lee Trevino, all right? It is a dream come true, and I gave you those pillows, boys.
So a deal is a deal.
Run, junior, run! Hey, Tio! Junior! Come on! What the hell am I supposed to do now? Hello? Concepcion? Hey, it's me George.
George! Yes.
"Papi.
" Whoa! I didn't recognize you.
Not a single article of clothing is stretched beyond its limits.
Please, George.
You called me.
I'm here to take care of the patient.
Where is she? She's upstairs growing a new tail.
Okay, well, I stopped by the market and bought a few snacks that she might like and some trashy magazines to get her mind off the pain.
Wow.
George, your place is lovely.
Thank you.
Listen, I appreciate your help, okay, but they're can't be any strings attached.
No, like, "ay, you're so bad.
" Or no "ay, papi.
" Okay? George, relax.
Your mother needs care.
You want to play golf.
I'm here.
No strings.
- Great.
She's upstairs.
- Okay.
All right? Her pills are upstairs.
- Any problems call my cell.
- Got it.
Oh, and that smell in her room, she's not dead.
That's just her smell.
Keep it straight, keep it straight.
Atta boy.
Yeah, very nice.
By the time we finish today now, we're working on five different shots that you can rely on at any time.
- Well, you saw me warm up.
- Yeah.
- How many do I have now? - Zero.
I'll go get the scorecard.
George! Good, you're here.
Hey, Mackenzie, I'm kind of a little bit busy with Lee.
Listen, because of what you said I went to see my Dad.
We talked all afternoon, and he only fell asleep on me once.
It felt really nice.
So, you know Thanks.
- All right, well, no problem.
- Okay.
I hope your mom feels better.
What's wrong with your mom? Oh, she fell.
She's at home in bed.
Somebody I work with is watching her.
Your mom's sick and you're playing golf? What kind of Mexican are you? The kind of Mexican that always wanted to play golf - with Lee Trevino.
- Go home, George.
Go home.
You don't need to be playing golf when you have a sick mother.
But, Lee, I wanna play with you! Hey, man, there's a chance she could be dead.
Mexican mothers? They never die, George.
They never die.
Concepcion? Shh, shh, shh.
She's sleeping.
She's had all her pills, I gave her her dinner, and I left you some arroz con pollo in the fridge.
Wow.
Hey, I really appreciate this.
Listen, I'm sorry I was skeptical of your motives.
- It's no problem at all.
- I'll see you at school.
Oh, you'll see me sooner than that, papi.
Papi, you're so bad.
We both know why you called.
- Don't run away.
No! - I'm not running.
I'm just trying to catch up to my testicles.
Oh! Hey, yo, Georgie! Hey! Why is it so dark in here? What's going on? Oh.
- Oh! - Thank god! We just wanted to show you the jackets Daddy had made.
Junior! Where are you manners? Senorita, please forgive me for this untimely protrusion.
Maybe I should go.
- Yes - No! Continue your romantic interlude.
Well, no.
There's no interludes here.
Hey, hey.
Why don't you guys show me these jackets? Hey, we made 'em from the pillows you gave us.
Watch out! Huh? What style! And what class, huh? Why let the sofa wear it when you can? Man, that's genius.
Hey, let me try one on.
No, no, no.
We know when we're not wanted.
No, you don't.
You've never known that.
Georgie.
All right, here.
It's riveted for her pleasure.
Okay, so where were we before we were interrupted? - D'oh! - Hoo! Who was on top of who, huh? I can't remember.
My organs were shutting down.
Ay, papi! I love the way you say "organs.
" What is it? I'm busy.
Can't somebody else help uncle Chato out of the bath? He can do it right there in the tub.
It's the same drain.
Fine, I'll be home in a minute.
I gotta go, George.
And so does uncle Chato.
God bless him.
Ay, you're so bad.
And disappointed.
Don't cry.
Yo, Georgie! Check it out.
Show him, mijo.
Beer holsters! I'm coming! Mackenzie's right.
Maybe I should shove her in a home right now.
"Bitch Acres.
" That's not the way we take care of family, - right, Daddy? - Right, mijo.
Daddy and I have had very open and frank discussions on these matters.
And we've concluded should Daddy ever go into an assisted living facility I will reside there with him.
That's because you guys are so close.
Yeah.
We're like father and son.
Yeah, Alma and I don't have that.
The older she gets, the meaner she gets.
- She's scared.
Huh? - Scared of what, that we're gonna run out of pepper jack cheese? Actually, George, her fear is of a non-culinary nature.
Okay? She's afraid as she gets older, as she really needs you, you won't be there for her.
- Right, Daddy? - Think about it, Georgie, Almas father ran out on her when she was a little girl.
I can't imagine that kind of pain.
And your father ran out on her too.
And he took the TV Guide collection.
The fall preview, the thick ones.
I mean, I would never abandon her.
I might dream about it and sketch different scenarios on the napkins, but Maybe you just need to reassure Alma that you will always be there for her.
And tell her you love her.
Or I could just kill her! And bury her in the backyard by the nectarine tree like Felipe the cat.
I'll decide as I walk up the stairs.
- I dropped the remote.
- I'll trade you for the horn.
Gotcha! Stupid! Wait a minute, was that you or the horn? You're gonna find out in about two seconds.
Oh! Come on! All right! Listen.
- I don't wanna fight.
- What are yo doing? I just need to tell you something.
I know you're worried about what's gonna happen to you when you get old but I want you - to know that you don't have to.
- Go to hell! - Let me say this.
What I'm tryin' to tell you is - Stop breathing on me! Your breath smells worse than under these sheets.
- Mom, I love you.
- Kiss my ass! I'm not gonna lie here and listen to this crap.
Ha! I knew it won't work! - Mom, I love you so much.
- Let me tell you something, fat ass.
You think you know everything.
I don't need you to take care of me now or ever.
- I can take care of my self! - This is great.
I'm always gonna be there for you, Mom! - Shut up, George! - I'm your biggest fan.
- Be quiet! - I'm right behind you, Mommy.
Stop it! Ouch! Ooh! Mom! Mom, are you all right? Oh, my ass! I gotta tell you a little story.
In 1968, I won the U.
S.
Open.
I came home to El Paso and when outside, I started trimming the grass on the sidewalk.
This white Cadillac comes up, wasn't three feet from me.
This nice-looking young lady was in the car and she rolled the window down, and she takes one look at me and she says, "young man do you speak English?" I said, "yes madam, I do.
" She says, "what are these people paying you to do this yard?" I said, "well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.
" And the next thing, you know, she takes off and I'm looking at the car like this and I'm saying, "well, I guess she didn't wanna pay the price.
" I know what's that like.
Same thing in my club.
The members throw me the keys, they think I'm the valet.
Lee, I keep their cars sometimes.