Samantha Who? s01e06 Episode Script

Since I have to rely on other people to tell me who I am I don't get to spend that much time alone.
In fact, the last time I had some peace and quiet was when I was in my coma.
I'm so looking forward to the day when I can be completely independent, but in the meantime it's pretty cool when I figure something out all by myself.
Oh, oh ! Oh, God ! - Oh, no, no ! - Unplug it ! You know you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave ? Well, I do now.
You'd think something that important, they'd have it written on there.
Why aren't you home ? My mom won't let me use the stove.
She said I'll burn the house down.
- Oh, man.
- What's wrong with your leg ? I had to go up and down the stairs five times to get stuff from the grocery.
When I get my own apartment, I'm going to live in a one-story building, inhabited only by people who share my dislike of elevators.
Dislike ? Is that what we call a paralyzing phobia now ? Been in an elevator ? It is like riding in a coffin falling down a mine shaft.
I'm just frustrated with my learning curve, or my re-learning curve.
Some day I'll have to take care of myself, and learn how to cook.
You never cooked before.
Yeah, well, I do now.
Check this out.
Mm-mmm-mm.
That's That's saucy ! Did you put oregano in that ? Why ? So I'm allergic to oregano.
What is oregano again ? It's a spice.
You guys suck.
I would kill to have a food allergy.
It's like nature's diet.
I spent five years trying to become lactose intolerant.
God, I can't take care of myself.
I can't even feed myself ! And ding ! OK, enough with Sam Time.
Now it's Andrea Time.
So, I remembered this guy I dated named Peter Ooh ! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Can we make sure to leave some room for Dena Time ? Because sometimes we run out.
Most of the time.
If not all.
So, Sam, you remember Peter, right ? We met him here the night we discovered sake bombs ? No, Andrea, I don't remember, because I have amnesia.
OK, back to me.
Anyway, I cannot remember his phone number.
So I went to this hypnotherapist to see if she could help.
- Ooh, did it work ? - Not yet, but Wait a minute.
A hypno What is it ? A hypnotherapist can help you get your memories back ? Oh yeah, they can help with lots of things.
Insomnia, smoking, fear of dinosaurs.
Can you put me in touch with your hypnotherapist ? Yes ! That is a great idea ! Yes ! You were here the night Peter gave me his number, maybe you'll remember it.
Um, actually Andrea, I was thinking about, you know, maybe getting some of my memories back, you know, about me.
Um, it's still Andrea Time ? OK, so guess what I remember ? Samantha, you are not going to see any hypnotherapist ! What is wrong with me trying to get my memories back ? Don't do it, Sam.
Those guys are charlatans.
We saw one in Branson.
He made me think I was a duck.
Howard, that was a hypnotist.
I don't care what he was.
He made me quack the Oscar Mayer wiener song.
It was humiliating ! Is there something that you don't want me to find out about ? Don't want you digging around.
People would pay to forget things you've done.
It's too bad because they're my memories and I want them.
- Remember when you were eight ? - No.
You thought you wanted a trampoline, until you hit your head on that beehive.
Why would you put a trampoline underneath a beehive ? To keep you from jumping too high.
Everything I have done is for your own good.
Really ? Even when you tell me things that aren't true.
I never lied to you ! You told me that my best friend in high school was an exchange student from Prague.
But you loved Helena.
You made her up ! Forgive me for trying to broaden your cultural experiences.
When I count backwards from three, you'll open your eyes and remember everything we just uncovered.
Ready ? Three.
Two.
One.
I'm adopted ! I am adopted ! Yes ! I am not genetically destined to turn out like those two.
I wonder what your birth parents are like.
Maybe your mom's a princess.
Ooh, ooh ! What if your dad's a ninja ? What if your dad's hot ? I'm just saying.
You might want to stay away from dating older men.
Just in case.
- Something's wrong with you.
- Why wouldn't they tell me about this ? What ? Who cares ? You're adopted ! It is so in right now.
Really.
Get some bronzer.
You can be from anywhere in the world.
Did I mention the necklace ? I had this heart-shaped necklace that my birth parents gave me.
Oh God, I want it.
Where is it ? This is all very stressful.
Oh, I need a cigarette.
No, no, you don't smoke.
Well, apparently I used to.
Thank you, hypnotherapy.
Actually, you started smoking because of me.
We'd hide cigarettes in the vent in your room and smoke when your mom was out.
I thought it would make us fit in better with the cool kids.
It worked for one of us.
Guess which one ? Me.
All right.
I'm going to go home and tell them that I know that I'm adopted.
You know what, we're going to sit down and we're going to have a grown-up conversation, like grown-ups.
And ding ! Did you remember Peter's number ? Mom, Dad ? I found out what you didn't want me to know.
I'm adopted.
Adopted ? No such luck, kiddo.
- The hypnotherapist told you ? - Yes, but it's OK.
Because families can be made in many different ways and because you chose me that makes me special.
Chose you ? No, we didn't choose you.
This is what I warned you about.
You let people fill your head with ideas.
Like when you went to that guidance counselor, told you you were gifted.
OK, well, then can I please see my birth certificate ? You don't have one.
You drew all over it with a marker when you were four.
- Well, I can still see it.
- Nope, then we lost it.
Well, then I will just order another one.
Good luck with that.
You were born in international waters.
Really ? What, a pirate ship ? - A cruise ship.
- Almost named you Carnival.
Wow.
You guys must have some really amazing photos from that trip, huh ? We should tell her.
What ? It's OK.
Just tell me.
One night, your dad and I were out back in the garden and somebody broke into the house and stole all of your photo albums.
Oh, not someone.
It was that Shawn Miller kid.
And if I wanted to find this Shawn Miller kid.
- It wasn't even his real name.
- Of course not.
His family was here illegally, deported before we got the pictures back.
- They were Kurds, or something.
- No, they were Icelandic.
Yeah, see, no one suspects an Icelander.
Did you ever notice that "Reykjavik" and "wreak havoc" are eerily Where'd she go ? - Maybe the hypnotherapist was wrong.
- Uh-uh.
No.
They had an answer for everything.
Now I'm not worried that I was adopted, I'm afraid I was kidnapped.
You have a very interesting life.
Don't I ? I just want the truth.
That's all.
And a cigarette.
Oh ! Something funny did happen today.
One of my dogs had gotten into my closet.
- When he came out, he was - Hilarious.
I got to go.
Damn it, I forgot to call Dena Time.
What about this ? Huh, liars ? What ? What is that ? Don't look, Regina ! She's trying to hypnotize us ! This is a necklace given to me by my birth parents.
I knew it ! Admit it ! I'm adopted ! No.
No, Samantha.
Look, come and talk.
Why, so you can tell me more lies ? Oh, no, no.
Let me guess : I'm from the future.
Or maybe you rescued me from the pit of a volcano ! OK, just calm down.
I'm not going to calm down ! I trust you two to tell me the truth, but you can't.
And you know what ? I can't afford to have relationships that are based in lies because I need to know who I am.
I don't even care if I'm adopted, but I just don't feel safe here with you anymore.
Know what ? I'm leaving because you are not my parents and this is not my home.
Samantha, don't do this ! I'm not a duck ! I'm not a duck ! So I just left.
Whoever those people are, I just I couldn't be there anymore.
Good for you.
You did the right thing.
So, where are you going to stay ? Well, I thought I would just stay here.
Mmm Why would you think that ? Because we're best friends ? Yes, we are.
But we're also grown-ups.
And grown-ups take care of themselves.
This isn't That's not how this was supposed to happen.
You're supposed to say, you know, "Oh, Sam.
Sweetie, you can stay as long as you want.
" And then we eat cookies.
Sam, you're making me feel like a bad friend.
Well, you're being a bad friend.
Look at this.
See that hole ? That hole is when you and I tried to live together.
You threw a lamp at me.
- Why did I do that ? - Because I threw a lamp at you.
- Over what ? - I don't know.
It was something about a scrunchie.
Point is, no.
But I'm different now.
But I'm not, and I care about being your friend way too much to be here for you.
- OK ? - Yeah.
Get your bag.
- Did you remember Peter's num - No ! Thank you for letting me stay here.
- Is it OK if I move these pillows ? - It's your place.
You used to freak out if the little one ended up behind the big one.
I apologize for everything that I have ever said.
I'm going to make cards that have that printed on it.
Not so much what you said, the skin on your face would pull back, and all I could see was your eyes, teeth and skull.
You kind of look like a great white shark.
I'll put these pillows back like they were.
No, no, no.
Please, it's fine.
See ? You are always straight with me.
Even if it makes me look bad.
Right.
That's what I like about you, Todd.
You always tell me the truth.
You are just a good and decent human being and there just aren't a lot of you out there in the world.
I will get out of here first thing in the morning.
I'm gonna go find my own place.
This is your place.
That's nice of you, but I don't want to get in the way.
No, I mean this is your place.
You bought it with your money.
That you made.
Huh ? You're telling me that I own this apartment ? Yeah.
This is my place ? There it is.
The great white shark.
You let me move out ? You said you wanted to.
I thought that I had to ! It would have been nice for me to be able to make that decision on my own ! And you just let me stand here and thank you for telling me the truth, when at any point you could have just added that you're a freeloading liar ! - Get out.
- But Sam No, get out ! Out ! I cannot believe anything that you or my friends or my family tell me anymore, so I am living in a liar-free zone ! - Where am I supposed to go ? - Can't hear you, liar-free zone.
Finally.
Samantha time.
Uh, yeah, I'd like to order something ? Yeah, that's the thing, actually.
I don't really know what it is that I can eat, so Kung Pao Beef, is that dangerous ? No ? Oh, because it says "pow" right in it.
Actually, uh, can you just bring me a bunch of stuff and just stand next to me to see if I die ? Gum.
Cigarettes ! Cigarettes.
That'll kill my appetite.
OK.
Matches, matches, matches.
Mmm.
No, no.
Oh ! Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! Man, this place is big.
Hey, Frank.
Isn't it great to be all by yourself like you are, just all day long ? Please keep moving in a forward motion, thank you.
You know what ? I can do whatever I want, too.
I just got back from the hypnotherapist.
I learned more in that 45 minute session than anybody in my life has been telling me in weeks.
First of all, I'm adopted.
I don't know if I told you that.
But I've also remembered this big, tall bald man, who I'm pretty sure is my birth father, and he gave me this beautiful heart-shaped locket and I had all these friends and we would just sing all the time and have these amazing adventures ! And did you have a dog ? Yeah ! I did.
Named Sandy ? Yes ! How did you know that ? Because that's Annie.
Annie ? Who's Annie ? That is Annie.
I played Annie.
Oh, gosh.
My parents.
My mom ! I said some very bad things.
I guess that means I didn't meet President Roosevelt, huh ? I feel so stupid for not remembering this.
I was even in the play, too, see ? "Understudy to Samantha Newly.
" But you never got sick.
Not one night.
Nope.
Healthy as a horse ! - Whee ! - My poor mom.
- I can never face her again.
- Just tell her you're sorry.
Sorry is not going to be good enough.
Not after what I said.
Thank you though, for being the keeper of all my memories.
You're welcome.
It's a little weird, you know.
You have so many.
I know, but it's worth it.
Shawn Miller certainly thought so.
Shawn Miller ? The Icelander ? He was real ? How do you think I got this picture of your first dance recital ? Oh, no.
Hey.
Cheer up, Miss Newly.
The sun'll come out.
Guess when ? Suck it, Frank.
So in one day I destroyed my parents, got kicked out by my best friend, made my ex-boyfriend homeless, and almost burned down my own apartment.
Oh, yeah, independence is awesome.
- Oh ! - May I come in ? Uh-huh.
Well, uh, I brought you something.
A care package, from my home to yours.
It's nothing special, just some decorations, and some food Food ! I'm so sorry about what Save what you want to say until after you've swallowed.
I made the food, I don't need to see it again.
Sorry.
Oh, I brought you something else.
Uh Ta-da ! I looked for that for five hours last night.
It was in with your dad's tools, which means it was special to him.
It was special to me, too.
The ink is still wet.
So ? Look, I don't know what you want from me ! I just want to know what is true and what is not true.
Not what you think that I want to hear.
Truth is I never wanted you to go to that hypnotherapist.
Because you were looking out for me.
No, because I was looking out for me.
I wasn't a perfect mother.
I was selfish sometimes.
And I made mistakes.
And I I let you down.
I was afraid that if you remembered who I was that you wouldn't want me around anymore.
I was Annie ! What ? I know I wasn't adopted.
I remembered playing Annie.
In school.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, that's right, you did.
Uh And not your best role.
You don't play adorable well.
It comes off as snide.
Look, I'm so sorry for all those things that I said.
I do want to have a relationship with you.
So I get to be your mother again ? Uh-huh.
You're my mommy.
I need you ! I need help.
I'm very hungry and I keep starting fires.
You poor baby.
It's OK.
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
That's my girl ! That's my girl ! You're so naughty ! I learned it from you, slut ! Oh, yeah ! Oh, yeah ! Oh, Peter ! Watch my moneymaker ! Oh ! Now what are you saying ? You're mumbling.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Can we please go home ? Of course.
You always have a home with us.
When you see your room, you might notice your father's old Soloflex.
I'll have him move it out.
Don't get hysterical.
OK, so maybe I'm not ready to be completely independent just yet.
I'm trying to catch up on three decades of a life.
Cut me some slack.
I know I don't have to remember it all right now, and I guess that sometimes I forget that figuring out who I am is hard on everyone.
We're all trying our best.
And we're going to make mistakes, we have to go easy on each other.
Oh, Frank.
I called Todd and he's coming back, so you can just let him in.
He apologized and I said, "It was OK, I'm not really" Sorry, can I interrupt ? Yeah, what is it ? I'm sure I'll think of something.
So, how's that hypnotherapy going ? Oh, that was a big bust.
Total waste of time and money.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- How come ? I noticed you took the elevator down.
What ? Oh ! Oh, thanks.
The road to independence takes time, but no matter where you came from or where you're headed the journey's always better when you get to turn to someone and say, "Thanks for being here.
" How you can manage to get filthy walking from a building to a car is absolutely amazing.
You get that from your father, not from me.