Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Sammy! How hard can it be to find the perfect wife? Maybe you should look a little closer to home.
So you're actually going to propose?! BORKMAN: Mate, she's the kind of woman I could cheat on for the rest of my life.
We have to stop them! What are you doing here? There's something I have to tell you.
(Erotic moaning) (Gasps) Borkman! (Gasps) Sweet Jesus! (Retches) ALL: Ugh! If either of you show your face at Borkman's Law again, I will quite literally murder you to death.
(Farting, water bubbles) Was that me or you? I just don't know anymore.
Theme music BOTH: When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When lady luck has left you And when the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch BOTH: Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
(Alarm blares) Buzz, buzz Six o'clock, my alarm goes off Time to start my day I'm a brand-new J Ba dom bom bom Brush, brush, pearly whites I'll take my wrongs and make them right today BOTH: Come on and sing it with me As the sun shines down On the endless possibilities that this day can offer us We give our thanks and praises as Ohh! Oh, God! Oh, what happened? Stubbed my toe! Ohh! Don't look at it.
What? Don't look at it.
Arghh! He looked at it.
I looked at it.
You shouldn't have looked at it.
You shouldn't have told me not to.
Oh, my God, man! Ohhh! What's it called again? Paracetamol.
It really works.
Mm.
Anyway, as I was saying, once Mr Borkman sees my unfair dismissal claim, he'll have no choice but to give me my job back.
Well, I see your unfair dismissal claim and I raise you a folder of my own.
What's in this? Unpaid fines, credit card debt, false identities Theophanous McGinsky? That got me out of Croatia.
Huh.
So you're finally gonna take responsibility for your past mistakes? Nuh.
I'm gonna burn 'em.
Why? Check the answering machine.
VICTORIA: Randy? It's your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
I got your message.
Midday at Trattatosco's works for me.
Let me get this straight.
Your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, has finally agreed to meet you for lunch and you think you'll win her back if you destroy all evidence of past failures? Chicks dig a clean slate.
Well, ordinarily, I'd pick apart that flimsy argument, but today belongs to the dreamers.
So while you're winning back your wife, I'll be winning back my job.
Hooray! Go on, have a look.
No, I'm good.
Go on.
You know you want to.
Take a peek.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Woo! Woo! Uh-uh.
Look at him.
Look at him.
No? Ah, that's a shame.
(Door closes) Very impressive.
So then I said, 'You're fired, you skinny little deadshit, and if you ever show your face in my office again, I'll' Give him his job back.
Ladies.
Give us a moment.
Your average callgirl can hold her breath underwater for about 30 seconds.
That's precisely how much time you have to tell me what the hell you're doing in my office.
I'll let these documents speak for themselves.
Hmm Very interesting.
You know you might actually have a case here.
I'm glad you think so, Mr Borkman.
Well, this is the most clear-cut case of fraud I've ever seen.
Fraud?! (Women gasp) Mm Trying to get your job back by shafting your best mate, eh? I didn't think you had it in you.
No, no, that's Randy's folder.
I'd love to bring down that goggle-eyed, home-wrecking, grape-faced prick.
Staple it shut and call it exhibit J.
I can't prosecute my best friend.
You will if you want your job back.
Moral dilemma A choice Inside my head I hear a voice The future is unclear My heart goes boom, boom, choose your friend But that could be the end of my career Moral dilemma A fork In the road ahead I see Mr Borkman offers me an opportunity My brain goes squelch, squelch, take the job Do I dib or do I dob? ALL: It's a moral dilemma Which path do I choose? Moral dilemma Either way, I'm gonna lose Moral dilemma The clock goes tick, tock I need a little time I'll let you know by 5pm I'm finally making good I'm gonna be the man I should have been I'm winning back my wife today I'm setting fire to the past And nothing's gonna stand in my Whaaa?! I stand in Randy's way Moral dilemma I have the final say Moral dilemma I could have my day in court And win a case And earn my place in legal history But it wouldn't be me So there's no dilemma in the end And the moral is I choose my friend.
This friendship is officially over! What? Where's my folder? I left it at the office.
Well, go and get it back or you can find yourself a new housemate.
Oh, what are you going to do, Randy? Not pay rent somewhere else? Anywhere would be better than this shithole.
You take that back.
Oh, I only moved in here 'cause it's two blocks from the home of my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
But And now my master plan is reaching its explosive conclusion.
SINISTER MUSIC First, I get the girl.
Then I light the match.
Then (Imitates explosion) sky-high! What are you saying? No, I don't have time to explain.
If you want answers, look in my room.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Phone ringing) Borkman.
Mr Borkman, I've decided not to prosecute Randy for fraud.
I knew you didn't have the balls.
I am, however, willing to prosecute him for terrorism.
You little beauty.
(Gasps) Where's Crystal? Crystal? Oh, this is how we lost Denise.
ROMANTIC GUITAR MUSIC What is that? Oh, it's a chia seed power shake.
It really gives me an edge.
You've got a dead hamster strapped to your head.
Oh, no.
My hair grew back.
Randy, do you remember how you proposed to me? In a hot air balloon.
In the basket of a hot air balloon.
Yeah.
On the ground.
Well In a shed.
You still said yes.
Well, I've grown up since then.
And it's time you did too.
Look, I know I'm not perfect No shit.
But I just need you to give me one more chance.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
No, I just have to show you something.
I've seen it before.
It's not my dick! Just trust me! Please? GENTLE MUSIC Oh! You won't regret this, Victoria Vincent.
I'm one of the good guys now.
Get on the ground! Huh? Oh! Ow! What the fuck?! Put your hands behind your head! Oh! What's going on?! Get back! He's a dangerous man! Ow! Victoria Vincent! My ex wi-i-i-i-i-i-fe! May I see the dessert menu? Thank you.
Well, she knew the risks.
Hooroo.
Now, Sammy.
Photocopier, fax machine, microfiche, whatever you need, it's yours.
Thank you, Mr Borkman.
Mate, if you win this case, I'll triple your salary and give you your old office back.
And if I lose? (Gun cocking) (High-pitched buzzing) I'll get to work.
Wednesday? Sammy? Wednesday? Sammy! I never gave up hope.
And I never gave up ROMANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC my role as office fire warden! What were you thinking? Look at this, you've got naked flames, no ventilation.
What's this? What's this, polyurethane resin? This stuff goes up in seconds.
Look.
Highly flammable.
Highly flammable.
Actually, better chuck that in the dunny.
Go.
Go.
I'm Victoria Vincent.
Deal with it.
It's been one month since his dramatic arrest, and tomorrow, Randy - internationally known as 'The Terror Man' - finally has his day in court.
Leading the prosecution will be his best friend and housemate, Sammy J, who joins us now live in the studio.
Good evening, Mr J.
Good evening, Randy's ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
You're looking lovely, as always.
Son of a bitch.
Mr J, you've lived with the defendant for some time now.
Surely this case presents something of a moral dilemma? Not in the slightest.
He made his bed.
Well, actually, he didn't.
Never lifted a finger around the house.
Tell me about it.
(Both laugh) (Grunts) Let me out of here! So, exactly how confident are you of a conviction? I've got a very strong case.
Wait till you hear my opening question.
Are you a terrorist? No.
(Gasping and murmuring) Oh Sorry, Your Honour, that wasn't the answer I was hoping for.
Boo! General heckling! Um Sorry, I'm really not sure where to go from here.
Evidence is usually a reliable place to start.
Evidence.
Yes.
Uh, uh, gas cylinders, blueprints, map of the city with tall buildings circled.
Care to explain these, sugar tits? I was building a hot air balloon.
You've had four weeks to prepare your defence, and that's the best you can come up with? It's true.
The cylinders are propane and the buildings are circled so I could avoid bumping into them.
And what about the bomb? Oh Turn it on its side.
Randy, you can turn a bomb on its side but it's always going to look like a hot air balloon.
(Gasping) I was building it so I could propose to my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
Properly this time.
Strong defence with a romantic subplot.
I like it.
Um But he's The Terror Man.
You've had four weeks to prepare your case, and that's the best you could come up with? (Laughter) Ooh! Smackdown! (Gun cocking) (High-pitched buzzing) Your Honour, if it please the court, I would like to present exhibit J.
(Gasping) Plot twist.
This folder is a damning dossier of deceit, dishonesty and dodgy dealings.
Isn't that right, Randy? Or should I call you Theophanous McGinsky? (Gasping) Objection! Overruled! Isn't the judge meant to do that? Shut up! Ah, feisty! My friends, this man might not seem like a terrorist, but delve a little deeper and you'll find a soul so devoid of decency that if he hasn't already committed an act of terrorism, it's only a matter of time before he does! (Gasping) I rest my face.
Nice.
Wow! Anyone else want to leap to this poor bastard's defence? No love interest or ex-wife up the back? SUSPENSEFUL PIANO MUSIC (Gasping and murmuring) By the power invested in me by Victoria Vincent's thumb, I now pronounce you guilty.
(Applause) I sentence you to five years Double it! Ten years imprisonment with a non-parole period of suck my balls! No! Sammy! Sammy! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC (Music swells) To Sammy! (Chuckles) In all the time you've worked here, you've been nothing but an embarrassing drain on this firm's resources.
And today none of that changed.
But, Mr Borkman, I won the case.
Oh, I know you did.
I was talking to Michael.
You've got ten minutes to clean out your office, dipshit.
Sammy J's back in business.
ALL: Huzzah! You were brilliant today.
All in a J's work.
(Both chuckle) I've got another one.
Another J, another dollar.
I don't understand.
I'll explain later.
Do you want to explain it to me in the hot tub? (Crashing, tyres screeching) (Car alarm blares) I'm not allowed in the hot tub.
You are now.
So what do you say? Sounds nice.
Sexual tension! Sexual tension! Sexual tension! Sexual tension! Sexual tension! (Door opens) Now, you're not going to like this, but it's time for me to make you my bitch.
Oh, God.
OMINOUS MUSIC Checkmate.
Oh, come on! Right, you know the rules.
OMINOUS MUSIC No.
No.
Mend my trousers.
The zip's come undone there.
I could probably just hand-stitch that.
So how does it feel? Pretty great.
Won a case, got my job back, and now I'm in the bloody hot tub.
All you need now is a girlfriend.
Unlikely.
I've always thought it'd be nice to have a girlfriend, but no-one's ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me.
Bethany in grade six I thought did have a crush on me I love you, Sammy J.
You kept that a secret! CHEERFUL ACOUSTIC GUITAR (Melodic whistling) This is Randy's favourite show.
(Whistling continues) (Gasps) These are Randy's underpants.
These were Randy's pubes.
Go on.
Open it.
You didn't have to do this.
It's our three-day anniversary.
Of course I did, pookie.
When was this taken? Two years ago.
I thought we could put it up here.
No.
Randy put that there.
I am sick of this.
Every day, Randy used to do this, Randy used to say that.
If you love Randy so much, why'd you put him in prison? No, no, no, shh, shh, shh.
It's just you and me now, my skinny little bitch, together forever.
So get over it! (Glass shatters) Hm.
Love you.
SAD PIANO MUSIC Pookie, I made you lunch.
SAMMY J: 'Dear Wednesday, by the time you read this, I will be gone.
PS This was Randy's notepad.
' (Sirens wail, tyres screech) INMATE: Bullshit! Righto, fellas, for your entertainment this week we've got a singer/songwriter who just today volunteered to do a recital for you blokes.
So shut up and welcome to the stage Theophanous McGinsky.
INMATE: Yay.
Is that? (Clears throat) (Microphone squeals) Well, we all make mistakes in this big old life of ours And sometimes we do things we know were wrong And I betrayed my friend, but I'm here to break him out So I'm telling him in code via this song Now listen up, you piece of shit You can't just write a country hit And think I'll suddenly forget that you're a prick I'd prefer to shove this glass right up your doublecrossing arse So if you've got a plan, you'd better tell me quick Well, there's a car out front and the engine is still running So on my signal, get ready to flee I'm listening And if we move real fast, you can grab that warden's gun And start a riot with me on the count of three.
One, two, three! Give me the goddamn keys! (Alarm rings) So, what's the plan? I don't have one.
What? I just assumed we'd be dead by now.
Oh, come on! I still got you out.
Oh (Siren blares) Head for home.
What? Just trust me! I mean, I've heard of a slow news day, but this is like a snail on smack.
What's my lead story? The inexplicable rise in popularity of ham and cheese focaccias.
Eugh! Kill me now.
POLICEMAN, ON RADIO: All units to Ricketts Lane.
The Terror Man has escaped.
Only good thing that bald prick's ever done for me.
UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC Now what? (Siren wails) Follow me! Shit! Police! Come out or we'll shoot! Open the door! Move your legs! Raise your arms! Just go! Go! Victoria Vincent here with a Thumbs Down exclusive.
The Terror Man has escaped, and we're coming to you live from his suburban hide-out.
As you can see, the courageous police have their guns drawn, ready to recapture this vile, cheating, spiteful, selfish, lying, impotent scumbucket.
POLICEMAN: Sarge, look.
UPLIFTING MUSIC No-o-o-o-o-o! Does this thing go any faster? Oh, sure, I'll just turn down the gravity, shall I? No need to be snarky.
We need to lose some weight.
What's in this bag? Uh packet of crisps and some lubricant.
Wow.
Of course, questions do need to be asked as to whether the police have gone too far.
Ease up.
Isn't your use of firearms in this context highly irresponsible? All our officers are expertly trained to avoid the possibility of our weapons falling into the wrong hands.
Oh! Oh, sweet, there go the sandbags.
Thanks, Wednesday.
Love you.
No-o-o-o-o-o-o! Dramatic scenes here at Ricketts Lane as two fugitives make their daring escape and a nation is left to wonder, was The Terror Man actually telling the truth? ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC (Music swells) What's she doing? I think she's giving you the rude finger.
Pfft She's dead to me.
So, where are we heading? Wherever the wind takes us.
(Farting) Was that you or me? I just don't know anymore.
UPLIFTING MUSIC (Music swells) To be continued! To be continued! To be continued! No? Did I misjudge that? Captions by CSI Australia Theme music Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da It's just me and you.