Sando (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Family Business
1 This company's about family.
Always has been, always will be.
I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
Well, maybe it needs a new face.
- What's Susie doing? - Her online business thingy.
She gets stuff shipped from places to some other places, or something.
Furniture? Once my website is fully up and running, we'll be rolling in it.
You drive a 1970 E-Type Jag? Oh, yeah.
A client couldn't pay me, so he gave me this instead.
Said it's worth a bit.
Oh, my God.
Susie cannot handle another betrayal.
You're her dad! And you're her best friend! I mean, of course, if someone did betray me, I would probably stab everyone involved.
Donnie, I've got to be honest with you.
You're no Ed Sheeran onstage, but you're a bloody Mick Jagger in the sack.
Crowd: (chants) Donnie! Donnie! Donnie! Good on you, jingle man.
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Hello, hello, hello! Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Got us all pastries.
What the hell's going on here? I'm just showing everybody the new direction I'll be taking the company in once you're gone.
Gone? God, we haven't even had a vote yet, Tony.
Good point.
Let's get that out of the way, shall we? - All those in favour - Hey, alright, alright.
Fine.
There's just something I want to say.
I know that I haven't always been the kind of CEO that we need.
Vomiting my guts up off the back of our yacht at the start of the Sydney-Hobart, that was not a good look.
Let's leave the rest of the list, shall we? We don't have till midnight.
Alright.
I just want to say, I've changed.
I have not had a drink since Monday.
It's Tuesday.
And I have not spent a cent of the company's money.
That's because we froze your company credit card.
But most importantly, I have gone back to my roots.
I have reconnected with my relatable and iconic family.
Yeah, well, I will believe that when I see it.
Well, you will see it, Tony.
On TV.
I'm talking about doing our old family ads again.
That's my plan for our future.
Newsflash - you know, it's not 1995.
Oh, newsflash - this is shit.
Boring.
You may as well call it Blando's Warehouse.
I do miss those old ads.
Course you do, Michelle.
We all do.
Let's do 'em again.
Nobody's doing ads like that anymore.
Exactly.
But the public still love 'em.
You are putting make-up on a corpse.
Tell me, how is this family jamboree going to solve our internet sales problems? Tony, Tony, Tony.
The internet, it may be cheap, it may be convenient, but it does not have the one thing that we do.
And what is that? Me.
I will shoot the ad tomorrow, and if you lot don't like it, we won't even need a vote.
I will just disappear.
I'll do you a deal.
Let's go, Sando! Nicky! Haven't seen you around much, babe.
If I didn't know better, I'd, uh say you were avoiding me.
(laughs awkwardly) No, no, just, umreally busy.
Yeah, I know.
I was only kidding.
You still buzzing about our dinner date the other night? I know I am.
No, because it wasn't a dinner date.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, whatever you want to call it.
Let's do it again.
When's good? Probably never.
(laughs) No, uh OK, Eric, listen.
I like you, but only as a friend, OK? Not anything else.
What was all that stuff in your office - all that talking, and you writing stuff down? Do you mean therapy? Yeah, the stuff where you made eye contact, and you were nice to me, and you listened.
It's called therapy.
Right, so all that therapy was for nothing, then? Listen, Eric, the point of therapy is not to see if you can pick up your therapist.
Now you tell me.
OK, what else? Are you seeing someone? Yep.
Yeah.
How long you been two-timing me? Eric, we're not together, so I haven't been two-timing you.
OK? What's his name? That's not important.
I had big plans for us, Nicky.
Big, big plans.
Eric (door slams) She's the Package Deal Queen.
What are you doing? Steady on.
What if I'd been nude? Or doing a number two? - You know, knock.
- Um Did you know that Eric has the hots for me? Sure it's not just some high school crush? I mean, mentally he's still in Year 8.
I just can't believe I didn't see it.
I mean, I tried to let him down gently, but I think he's pretty heartbroken.
God, I'm getting too old for all this.
You know, all the sneaking around, and all the secrets.
Well, there's only one secret.
Unless there's another one you're not telling me about? I got a new toothbrush, but .
.
it's not really a secret.
That's nice.
Well, I have a secret for you.
Oh, bloody hell.
You're not pregnant? - No.
- No.
Good.
No, I mean if you had been, we'd - .
.
we'd deal with it.
- Deal with it? Talk about it.
You know, talk it through, decide what the best, um What was the secret? I booked you another gig - at an actual venue this time.
- Oh, you did? - And that's not even the best part.
I invited my friend from uni, Dale.
She is a talent scout for a record label.
- Oh, that is good news.
- Mm! So do you want to celebrate the start of your new career? Oh, my God.
Are you asking me to be in a family ad again? No.
Unless, of course, the answer is yes, in which case Even if the idea didn't make me want to lie down on a freeway, it doesn't make sense.
Sando's is about to become my competitor.
I'll be offering online sales for all the same products that you carry, but for 20% less.
Or you could bring your business over to Sando's instead.
MmmI'd rather put my face in a chip fryer.
I've got suppliers, capital, stock I don't need your business.
Mine's just been bankrolled.
- By who? - You're going to love this.
- Kevin.
- Kevin, as in my My ex-fiance, whom you shagged.
Yeah, that guy.
How has Kevin got any money to invest? He traded in some classic car that he had, and wanted to invest the money into the future of retailing, AKA my company.
So good luck with your ad.
We're going to bury Sando's Warehouse.
Well, I better not see any copycat ads, or you'll be hearing from my lawyers, Susie.
(scoffs) Yeah.
Fixed the floor, I see.
Oh, yeah.
Yep, patched it up.
- Not the guitar, though.
- Mmm.
UmDon, there's something that I want to talk to you about.
Yeah.
- I've been thinking about it too.
- Oh, so you've heard? The ad? I'm shooting a new one tomorrow for Sando's Warehouse, and I want everyone to be in it.
Hang on, wait.
What did you mean? Oh, no, just my gig tomorrow.
Gig? But I thought you just had one.
Yeah, no, Nicky's teed it up.
There's going to be a talent scout there from a record label, so Sure.
.
.
as much as I'd love to help you out, won't have time.
Fair enough.
That's a pity, 'cause I really did want you to pen a new jingle for me.
But I know that you're hell-bent on being an artist, and even though the exposure, national exposure, of an ad playing 15 times a day would reboot your career, blah blah blah, I know that being famous is not the direction that you want to go in.
And I respect that.
So I'll, um .
.
I'll just, uh I'll leave you to it.
Yep.
So I told them I'm not going to do another ad unless my eldest son is the star.
- What do you say, Eric? - No, thanks.
Oh, what's wrong? I thought you'd have to whack on a clean pair of undies, you'd be so excited.
Nicky broke up with me.
Nicky? Did I miss something? Probably.
We were keeping it under the radar.
Well, are you sure you weren't keeping it under HER radar? No.
We only went out once, but it was definitely a thing.
Probably only rejected me to protect Susie's feelings.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's the reason.
Now she's seeing someone else.
(gasps) She's definitely still seeing him? - You knew? - No, but I mean, I thought that she was probably seeing someone else other than you.
If I find out who it is Oh, don't waste your time, mate.
Come and take your mind off it and be in the ad tomorrow.
There's make-up, costumes - you love a costume - and the catering from the servo round the corner.
Sorry, Mum.
How can I advertise furniture when my heart is broken, like a piece of broken furniture? It'll mend, mate.
You're just like a factory seconds - damaged goods.
And there's always someone who wants a bargain.
(sobs) Yeah, alright.
I can't believe you let Sando talk you into this.
Well, it's national exposure, you know.
It's a big opportunity.
Anyway, she just needs me right now.
She needs you? Yeah, for the ad, the jingle.
Do you realise what I had to go through to get you this gig? Not to mention arm-twisting a girl who put my undies up a flagpole in Year 9.
I thought she liked my demo.
She didn't listen to your demo, because nobody has a CD player anymore.
But I'm sure once she hears you play live, it'll be great.
Well, let her watch the ad when it comes out.
You know, problem solved.
(sighs) You know what? Look (clears throat) .
.
you're right.
We can't keep doing this anymore.
The secrecy, the sneaking around, it has to end.
Yeah, I agree.
- So when do you want to tell Susie? - I guess we had a good run.
Wait, you want to break up? No.
I don't know.
I don't know what I want, OK? I just I need time to think, and to rewrite this jingle.
Yeah, for Sando.
You want what you want, and no-one can stop you.
And you can't quit Sando, 'cause she won't let you.
Nicky, that's You want what you want, and no-one can stop you You can't quit Sando's Warehouse 'Cause Sando's won't let you.
(chuckles) I'm back.
Sando: As Kerri-Anne Kennerley always used to say to me, it doesn't matter if you make a fool of yourself, as long as they press record.
Now, show me what you're going to do tomorrow.
So I jump out from behind the couch and yell, "Do 'em a deal, Mum!" - Then - Whoa, whoa, what? Oh, g'day, misery guts.
I'm just rehearsing the ad tomorrow with Vic Jr.
- He's going to be in it? - Not just in it, baby - starring.
Oh, yeah? Well, if anyone's going to be jumping out from behind couches, it's gonna be me.
I invented jumping out from behind couches.
So you want in now? - That's fantastic.
- Surely we don't need him, right? - What? - Just put him in the background, in a freezer or something.
Then you and me can be out front, right? Whatever it takes, mate.
I need the numbers.
Great.
I gotta go rehearse my moves.
(scoffs) Your moves? Watch and learn, kid.
Watch and learn.
Amateur.
He's very serious about his craft.
Eric: Do 'em a deal, Mum! Vic Jr: Do 'em a deal, Mum! Eric: Do 'em a DEAL, Mum! Vic Jr: Do 'em a deal, Mum! - What's this? - I thought we could toast my success.
I'm just so proud of what we've achieved.
We? Well, obviously I've worked very hard, and it's my brainchild, but you've been so great with me going into business with Kevin.
And even though he's just a silent investor, it still could be weird.
Could it? And I obviously would never go through with it unless you were 100% on board, which you are, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
Aww.
Wonder how your mum's ad's going.
Oh, probably like the old days.
Mum working us to the bone, Dad having some artistic crisis, and Eric getting so close to having a panic attack that we used to slip him some Valium just to help him through.
I'm sure he's improved since then.
Sando: Sando's Warehouse, take 17.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Yeah, dodo deal, Mum.
Wait.
Line! Eric, it's "Do 'em a deal," remember? - Come on.
- Yep, I'm sorry.
I'll get it.
Righto, let's go again.
- Do 'em a deal, Mum! - Oh Sweetheart, you've got to wait for my line, mate.
Righto.
We should have brought some Valium like we used in the old days, Donnie.
Alright, let's go again.
Here we go.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Eric! Oh, Eric! I have only got the crew for two hours.
Half of them are going off to shoot a cat wedding after this, so let's just all get it together.
Let's make some Australian TV history.
- No pressure.
- Don't worry, I'm a professional.
I don't feel pressure.
Why don't we just try you walking from the back there? Yeah.
And, Vic Jr, you can do the couch jump.
What? The couch is my thing.
Alright, places.
Let's go.
(sighs) You can't quit Sando's Warehouse 'cause Sando's won't let you.
Hey, Sting.
Did you sing that out loud before this morning? It doesn't matter.
It's fine.
We'll fix it in post.
Let's go.
Donnie, smile.
Barry, this is just the start.
For the first time in ages, I'm finally excited about the future.
To Kevin.
To Kevin.
- Susie! - Kevin.
Susie.
Look who it is - the silent investor.
Susie.
(breathes heavily) I think they're following me.
- Who? - That's a bit of a long story.
I don't have that kind of time or that kind of breath, but you know the investment I made in your business? Yeah, I need it back.
- What are you talking about? - The car I sold.
- The E-Type Jag.
- Yep, that's the one.
Well, turns out it was stolen.
(laughs wryly) I know.
I had no idea.
But the client who gave it to me has since disappeared overseas, and the guy I sold it to is pissed.
- So? - So he wants his $200,000 back.
Tough luck.
He can't have it back.
We've already spent it on a laptop and champagne.
Consignment, creditors, cashflow.
Well, you have to get it back! Please - he'she's a bikie who does children's charity drives by day and drive-by shootings by night.
He knows I have a son, knows where he goes to school.
- He also knows this address.
- What?! Well, I told him I was coming here to get the money from you.
He keeps sending me these .
.
gun emojis.
- Oh, my God.
- Alright, don't panic.
When does he need the money? - Today.
- Both: Today?! (phone beeps) Oh, God.
Here's another one.
That's a bazooka.
That's a bazooka.
Even if we do get the money back, then we're on the hook for it.
(phone beeps) What is that, a chainsaw? If only we knew someone else with money.
(phone beeps) OK, he just sent me a guy who's lighting up his own fart.
What does that mean? Woman: (wearily) Take 79.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Do me a deal, Mum.
Oh, now your walking's gone all weird, Eric.
Susie: Mum? Oh, thank God.
Eric's walking like a reanimated giraffe.
If ever there was a time that I needed you, Suse I'd rather gouge my own eyes out, turn them round and watch myself bleed to death.
OK, I don't have time for this.
Except I need you too.
Righto.
I'm listening.
I need an investor.
Kevin's pulled out.
If only he'd done that 10 years ago.
200 K, today.
Can you do it? Yep.
Course.
Deal.
Only if you do something for me.
Fine.
(laughs) Great.
Eric, change of plans.
You're going to hold that sign up in the background.
Susie's going to do the walking.
Mum, no! I can do this.
But we're up to take 79.
That's because the crew keeps staring at me.
I need a closed set.
- It's not 50 Shades of Grey, mate.
- You don't even care about me! You've got your new favourite son, your old favourite daughter, your new-old-new favourite husband.
- You don't need me.
- I do need you.
I need you in the background, holding that sign.
I'm sick of being in the background! Eric! - We need to talk.
- Well, I've got to shoot this ad.
- Now, Sando.
- Righto.
You get changed.
What is it? Are your undies too tight? My life - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
What's Rian doing? One of the crew gave her a headset so she can listen in.
- Oh.
- Mummy, what is sex? What? I heard Grandma and Grandpa say they had sex in the man cave.
Don, we had sex in the man cave.
And you tried to take my underpants off with your teeth.
I mean, what (gasps) (phone rings) OK.
Oh, gosh.
Hey, hon.
I can't talk.
I'm just at Mum's stupid ad thing, and we're about to roll.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that I'm just leaving town for a few days.
Nicky, has something happened? Uhno.
Yes.
I don't know.
We have so much to talk about.
Tell me about it.
I just found out that Dad slept with Sando.
Sosorry, he fucking what? I know! Can you believe it? What the hell is wrong with him? That prick! Thanks for being on my side.
I'm going to punch him in his stupid arsehole face! Whoa.
Remember, he's still my dad.
Oh, I'm going to punch him in his shitty, shitty, jingle-singing face! Nicky, I can't imagine you kicking anyone's arse, but maybe you should just take a couple of days off (disconnects call) Hello? (sighs) Alright, Sando.
Pack it up.
Show's over.
Tony! How the hell did you get in here? We haven't even got through one take yet.
Too bad.
We are not wasting one more cent on this farce.
We've still got a few minutes left.
Well, let me do you a deal.
I'll give you one minute, and then I pull the plug.
OK, fine.
Fine.
OK, everyone.
Let's do this.
We've got one shot at it, OK? Come on! Oh, where's Eric? Never mind, never mind.
Alright.
Hey, can I talk to you? Can I ask you how she got you involved in this? Let's just sayshe did me a deal.
What with - a bedside table and a couple of desk lamps? No, money.
Actually, quite a lot of it.
Well, she doesn't have any money.
We froze her assets when we stood her down from the company.
Did she not tell you that? Woman: And take 80.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Is your family fed up with your old furniture? Keep 'em happy with this birch bookcase, only $199! Oh! You don't have any money?! That's right, Susie.
No money, no problemo.
You only have to come up with 79 bucks to keep your family happy with this lamp.
Oh! Let's keep shooting.
Prices - they're crashing down! Like this dining and cafe chair, only 69 bucks each.
(yells) Stupid chair! Stupid lamp! You like deals?! Deal with this! (yells) Anywaynot low enough? You got it, son.
How about $59 each? You're low enough.
You're low enough to sleep with your husband behind my back! What?! You want what you want and no-one can stop you - You can't quit Sando's Warehouse - Oh, my God! You just stole my words? - Co-writing credit? - Wait, you've been seeing my mum? SHE'S the other man? No, Eric.
I'm seeing your dad.
- (gasps) - Susie, I'm so sorry.
This is not how I wanted you to find out.
Wait, how long? Oh, that's a good question, Susie.
The Keep 'Em Happy sale lasts all weekend.
- We're in love.
- And you'll fall in love too, with this three-legged coffee table, only 49 bucks.
Eric.
Eric.
Oh! Oh, great.
Murray from The Wiggles gave me that! - Hey, hey.
- Eric.
Eric - I'm going to kill you, Dad! - Eric! I'm your father! (susie yells) (nicky screams) Calm down! Susie, no! Keep your family happy with the Keep 'Em Happy sale! (yells) Guys! Guys! Stop it! Melissa, we need to call an emergency board meeting.
As internet sales reach record levels, traditional retailers are forced to find new ways of tapping into the online boom - retailers such as Sando's Warehouse.
This week, the company rebranded and released its first online ad, already one of the most shared videos of the year.
And I'm joined in the studio by Vicky 'Sando' Sandringham herself.
- G'day, Sando.
- Oh, g'day, Paul.
Thanks for having me.
You look taller IRL.
(chuckles) Thank you very much.
Now, Sando, you're the Package Deal Queen, but you've been criticised for not keeping up with the times.
Not quite appealing to that online generation, it seems.
(laughs) You reading out the minutes from my last board meeting, are you? Well, I think you've knocked those allegations on the head with this new piece of retail marketing.
Well, we broke more than just the internet.
Let's take a look.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Is your family fed up with your old furniture? Keep 'em happy with this birch bookcase, only $199! You only have to come up with 79 bucks to keep your family happy with this lamp.
Prices - they're crashing down, like these dining and cafe chairs, only 69 bucks each.
Why not find out what other bargains we have? Like this two-seater sofa, only $159! This three-legged coffee table, 49 bucks.
You want what you want, and no-one can stop you You can't quit Sando's Warehouse, 'cause Sando's won't let you.
That was brave stuff.
A far cry from the old image of happy families.
Well, we're about real families, Paul - showing regular Aussies that it's OK to stop pretending that we're perfect, you know, and embrace the crazy.
And that's what I pitched to my family, and they loved it, so we just went for it.
Paul: Is it a bit risky? Sando: Well, rebranding's risky, but that didn't stop me.
That's right, viewers - It's goodbye Sando's Warehouse, and hello Crazy Sando's! Get down to Crazy Rebrand Sale this weekend for UhSando, we can't do that.
This is a non-commercial network.
- Is that right? - But let's move on.
It is a refreshing approach to see a real family in your marketing, warts and all.
Do you think it'll translate into those online sales? Course I do.
Absolutely, 'cause that's the rebrand.
It's part of our big push online, as headed up by my wonderful daughter Susie, who I am so proud of.
She is going to annihilate the competition.
Paul: Well, companies are very good at putting spin on any kind of restructure, so as not Oh, sorry, boss.
I wasn't watching the interview, I swear.
Mmm.
Good.
Then you'll have this inventory report done today before you leave to get Rian from school.
(whispers) I'm so proud of you.
Me too.
Mum think she's won, but she has no idea how badly she's about to lose.
Umyou kind of look like her.
To defeat one's enemy, one has to become the enemy.
Crazy Sando's will become Carked It Sando's by the time I'm done, and that is a secret you're allowed to keep.
Sorry.
GaryGary had a - .
.
IT issue? - Yeah.
Fix his computer so he can't stream breakfast television on it.
- Mm-hm.
- And then back to work.
Yes, ma'am.
- You heard her.
- YOU did.
Just get out of Sando: We are a family business, and we're embracing family in a fresh and honest way.
It's not spin.
What you see is what you get.
Now, has having Susie back at the company allowed us to get rid of some of the dead wood? You bloody bet it has, and that's a good thing.
Paul: OK, so you've gone back to the family business model.
But what about your son Eric? He looked like he wanted to kill someone.
Sando: Oh, Eric.
Well, he gave an outstanding performance.
Paul: Is he working at the company too? Sando: He's actually taking some time off to work on his craft.
Like you, like me, every family has their ups and downs, their blind spots, their gaping wounds.
Don: Hey, Eric.
How you going, mate? - No, put that down.
- Eric: GET OUT! Don: OK, OK! Sando: But the love of a family can be like that.
Sometimes it's painful.
Really painful.
He's still not ready for visitors.
Yeah, so anonymity needs to be closely guarded.
I'll lose my practice otherwise.
Oh, no, don't worry.
It'll be full of juicy details.
I was counselling the whole house.
Let's just say .
.
juice is being spilled, then I'm going to mop it up with cash.
Isn't it time that we just accepted who we are? Celebrate it, rather than getting hung up about it? Find a way to laugh about it.
That's how you deal with it, isn't it? Paul: Yeah, you're so right.
Sando: I am.
How many times have you watched that? Four.
How's our boy? Luckily, Eric throws a chair like he throws a cricket ball.
He'll come good.
Susie did.
So .
.
what now? Do you want to watch my interview again? Oh, alright.
Always has been, always will be.
I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
Well, maybe it needs a new face.
- What's Susie doing? - Her online business thingy.
She gets stuff shipped from places to some other places, or something.
Furniture? Once my website is fully up and running, we'll be rolling in it.
You drive a 1970 E-Type Jag? Oh, yeah.
A client couldn't pay me, so he gave me this instead.
Said it's worth a bit.
Oh, my God.
Susie cannot handle another betrayal.
You're her dad! And you're her best friend! I mean, of course, if someone did betray me, I would probably stab everyone involved.
Donnie, I've got to be honest with you.
You're no Ed Sheeran onstage, but you're a bloody Mick Jagger in the sack.
Crowd: (chants) Donnie! Donnie! Donnie! Good on you, jingle man.
Voiceover: Designed with comfort in mind, this stylish modular chaise is a steal at $549.
The functional yet striking Splendida dining setting is only $899.
Receive this free bonus hair curling wand with every Splendida sold.
Retro print sofas will be the envy of all at only $999.
For more amazing prices and incredible package deals, visit your Family Warehouse today.
Hello, hello, hello! Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Got us all pastries.
What the hell's going on here? I'm just showing everybody the new direction I'll be taking the company in once you're gone.
Gone? God, we haven't even had a vote yet, Tony.
Good point.
Let's get that out of the way, shall we? - All those in favour - Hey, alright, alright.
Fine.
There's just something I want to say.
I know that I haven't always been the kind of CEO that we need.
Vomiting my guts up off the back of our yacht at the start of the Sydney-Hobart, that was not a good look.
Let's leave the rest of the list, shall we? We don't have till midnight.
Alright.
I just want to say, I've changed.
I have not had a drink since Monday.
It's Tuesday.
And I have not spent a cent of the company's money.
That's because we froze your company credit card.
But most importantly, I have gone back to my roots.
I have reconnected with my relatable and iconic family.
Yeah, well, I will believe that when I see it.
Well, you will see it, Tony.
On TV.
I'm talking about doing our old family ads again.
That's my plan for our future.
Newsflash - you know, it's not 1995.
Oh, newsflash - this is shit.
Boring.
You may as well call it Blando's Warehouse.
I do miss those old ads.
Course you do, Michelle.
We all do.
Let's do 'em again.
Nobody's doing ads like that anymore.
Exactly.
But the public still love 'em.
You are putting make-up on a corpse.
Tell me, how is this family jamboree going to solve our internet sales problems? Tony, Tony, Tony.
The internet, it may be cheap, it may be convenient, but it does not have the one thing that we do.
And what is that? Me.
I will shoot the ad tomorrow, and if you lot don't like it, we won't even need a vote.
I will just disappear.
I'll do you a deal.
Let's go, Sando! Nicky! Haven't seen you around much, babe.
If I didn't know better, I'd, uh say you were avoiding me.
(laughs awkwardly) No, no, just, umreally busy.
Yeah, I know.
I was only kidding.
You still buzzing about our dinner date the other night? I know I am.
No, because it wasn't a dinner date.
It was just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, whatever you want to call it.
Let's do it again.
When's good? Probably never.
(laughs) No, uh OK, Eric, listen.
I like you, but only as a friend, OK? Not anything else.
What was all that stuff in your office - all that talking, and you writing stuff down? Do you mean therapy? Yeah, the stuff where you made eye contact, and you were nice to me, and you listened.
It's called therapy.
Right, so all that therapy was for nothing, then? Listen, Eric, the point of therapy is not to see if you can pick up your therapist.
Now you tell me.
OK, what else? Are you seeing someone? Yep.
Yeah.
How long you been two-timing me? Eric, we're not together, so I haven't been two-timing you.
OK? What's his name? That's not important.
I had big plans for us, Nicky.
Big, big plans.
Eric (door slams) She's the Package Deal Queen.
What are you doing? Steady on.
What if I'd been nude? Or doing a number two? - You know, knock.
- Um Did you know that Eric has the hots for me? Sure it's not just some high school crush? I mean, mentally he's still in Year 8.
I just can't believe I didn't see it.
I mean, I tried to let him down gently, but I think he's pretty heartbroken.
God, I'm getting too old for all this.
You know, all the sneaking around, and all the secrets.
Well, there's only one secret.
Unless there's another one you're not telling me about? I got a new toothbrush, but .
.
it's not really a secret.
That's nice.
Well, I have a secret for you.
Oh, bloody hell.
You're not pregnant? - No.
- No.
Good.
No, I mean if you had been, we'd - .
.
we'd deal with it.
- Deal with it? Talk about it.
You know, talk it through, decide what the best, um What was the secret? I booked you another gig - at an actual venue this time.
- Oh, you did? - And that's not even the best part.
I invited my friend from uni, Dale.
She is a talent scout for a record label.
- Oh, that is good news.
- Mm! So do you want to celebrate the start of your new career? Oh, my God.
Are you asking me to be in a family ad again? No.
Unless, of course, the answer is yes, in which case Even if the idea didn't make me want to lie down on a freeway, it doesn't make sense.
Sando's is about to become my competitor.
I'll be offering online sales for all the same products that you carry, but for 20% less.
Or you could bring your business over to Sando's instead.
MmmI'd rather put my face in a chip fryer.
I've got suppliers, capital, stock I don't need your business.
Mine's just been bankrolled.
- By who? - You're going to love this.
- Kevin.
- Kevin, as in my My ex-fiance, whom you shagged.
Yeah, that guy.
How has Kevin got any money to invest? He traded in some classic car that he had, and wanted to invest the money into the future of retailing, AKA my company.
So good luck with your ad.
We're going to bury Sando's Warehouse.
Well, I better not see any copycat ads, or you'll be hearing from my lawyers, Susie.
(scoffs) Yeah.
Fixed the floor, I see.
Oh, yeah.
Yep, patched it up.
- Not the guitar, though.
- Mmm.
UmDon, there's something that I want to talk to you about.
Yeah.
- I've been thinking about it too.
- Oh, so you've heard? The ad? I'm shooting a new one tomorrow for Sando's Warehouse, and I want everyone to be in it.
Hang on, wait.
What did you mean? Oh, no, just my gig tomorrow.
Gig? But I thought you just had one.
Yeah, no, Nicky's teed it up.
There's going to be a talent scout there from a record label, so Sure.
.
.
as much as I'd love to help you out, won't have time.
Fair enough.
That's a pity, 'cause I really did want you to pen a new jingle for me.
But I know that you're hell-bent on being an artist, and even though the exposure, national exposure, of an ad playing 15 times a day would reboot your career, blah blah blah, I know that being famous is not the direction that you want to go in.
And I respect that.
So I'll, um .
.
I'll just, uh I'll leave you to it.
Yep.
So I told them I'm not going to do another ad unless my eldest son is the star.
- What do you say, Eric? - No, thanks.
Oh, what's wrong? I thought you'd have to whack on a clean pair of undies, you'd be so excited.
Nicky broke up with me.
Nicky? Did I miss something? Probably.
We were keeping it under the radar.
Well, are you sure you weren't keeping it under HER radar? No.
We only went out once, but it was definitely a thing.
Probably only rejected me to protect Susie's feelings.
Yeah, I'm not sure that's the reason.
Now she's seeing someone else.
(gasps) She's definitely still seeing him? - You knew? - No, but I mean, I thought that she was probably seeing someone else other than you.
If I find out who it is Oh, don't waste your time, mate.
Come and take your mind off it and be in the ad tomorrow.
There's make-up, costumes - you love a costume - and the catering from the servo round the corner.
Sorry, Mum.
How can I advertise furniture when my heart is broken, like a piece of broken furniture? It'll mend, mate.
You're just like a factory seconds - damaged goods.
And there's always someone who wants a bargain.
(sobs) Yeah, alright.
I can't believe you let Sando talk you into this.
Well, it's national exposure, you know.
It's a big opportunity.
Anyway, she just needs me right now.
She needs you? Yeah, for the ad, the jingle.
Do you realise what I had to go through to get you this gig? Not to mention arm-twisting a girl who put my undies up a flagpole in Year 9.
I thought she liked my demo.
She didn't listen to your demo, because nobody has a CD player anymore.
But I'm sure once she hears you play live, it'll be great.
Well, let her watch the ad when it comes out.
You know, problem solved.
(sighs) You know what? Look (clears throat) .
.
you're right.
We can't keep doing this anymore.
The secrecy, the sneaking around, it has to end.
Yeah, I agree.
- So when do you want to tell Susie? - I guess we had a good run.
Wait, you want to break up? No.
I don't know.
I don't know what I want, OK? I just I need time to think, and to rewrite this jingle.
Yeah, for Sando.
You want what you want, and no-one can stop you.
And you can't quit Sando, 'cause she won't let you.
Nicky, that's You want what you want, and no-one can stop you You can't quit Sando's Warehouse 'Cause Sando's won't let you.
(chuckles) I'm back.
Sando: As Kerri-Anne Kennerley always used to say to me, it doesn't matter if you make a fool of yourself, as long as they press record.
Now, show me what you're going to do tomorrow.
So I jump out from behind the couch and yell, "Do 'em a deal, Mum!" - Then - Whoa, whoa, what? Oh, g'day, misery guts.
I'm just rehearsing the ad tomorrow with Vic Jr.
- He's going to be in it? - Not just in it, baby - starring.
Oh, yeah? Well, if anyone's going to be jumping out from behind couches, it's gonna be me.
I invented jumping out from behind couches.
So you want in now? - That's fantastic.
- Surely we don't need him, right? - What? - Just put him in the background, in a freezer or something.
Then you and me can be out front, right? Whatever it takes, mate.
I need the numbers.
Great.
I gotta go rehearse my moves.
(scoffs) Your moves? Watch and learn, kid.
Watch and learn.
Amateur.
He's very serious about his craft.
Eric: Do 'em a deal, Mum! Vic Jr: Do 'em a deal, Mum! Eric: Do 'em a DEAL, Mum! Vic Jr: Do 'em a deal, Mum! - What's this? - I thought we could toast my success.
I'm just so proud of what we've achieved.
We? Well, obviously I've worked very hard, and it's my brainchild, but you've been so great with me going into business with Kevin.
And even though he's just a silent investor, it still could be weird.
Could it? And I obviously would never go through with it unless you were 100% on board, which you are, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
Aww.
Wonder how your mum's ad's going.
Oh, probably like the old days.
Mum working us to the bone, Dad having some artistic crisis, and Eric getting so close to having a panic attack that we used to slip him some Valium just to help him through.
I'm sure he's improved since then.
Sando: Sando's Warehouse, take 17.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Yeah, dodo deal, Mum.
Wait.
Line! Eric, it's "Do 'em a deal," remember? - Come on.
- Yep, I'm sorry.
I'll get it.
Righto, let's go again.
- Do 'em a deal, Mum! - Oh Sweetheart, you've got to wait for my line, mate.
Righto.
We should have brought some Valium like we used in the old days, Donnie.
Alright, let's go again.
Here we go.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Eric! Oh, Eric! I have only got the crew for two hours.
Half of them are going off to shoot a cat wedding after this, so let's just all get it together.
Let's make some Australian TV history.
- No pressure.
- Don't worry, I'm a professional.
I don't feel pressure.
Why don't we just try you walking from the back there? Yeah.
And, Vic Jr, you can do the couch jump.
What? The couch is my thing.
Alright, places.
Let's go.
(sighs) You can't quit Sando's Warehouse 'cause Sando's won't let you.
Hey, Sting.
Did you sing that out loud before this morning? It doesn't matter.
It's fine.
We'll fix it in post.
Let's go.
Donnie, smile.
Barry, this is just the start.
For the first time in ages, I'm finally excited about the future.
To Kevin.
To Kevin.
- Susie! - Kevin.
Susie.
Look who it is - the silent investor.
Susie.
(breathes heavily) I think they're following me.
- Who? - That's a bit of a long story.
I don't have that kind of time or that kind of breath, but you know the investment I made in your business? Yeah, I need it back.
- What are you talking about? - The car I sold.
- The E-Type Jag.
- Yep, that's the one.
Well, turns out it was stolen.
(laughs wryly) I know.
I had no idea.
But the client who gave it to me has since disappeared overseas, and the guy I sold it to is pissed.
- So? - So he wants his $200,000 back.
Tough luck.
He can't have it back.
We've already spent it on a laptop and champagne.
Consignment, creditors, cashflow.
Well, you have to get it back! Please - he'she's a bikie who does children's charity drives by day and drive-by shootings by night.
He knows I have a son, knows where he goes to school.
- He also knows this address.
- What?! Well, I told him I was coming here to get the money from you.
He keeps sending me these .
.
gun emojis.
- Oh, my God.
- Alright, don't panic.
When does he need the money? - Today.
- Both: Today?! (phone beeps) Oh, God.
Here's another one.
That's a bazooka.
That's a bazooka.
Even if we do get the money back, then we're on the hook for it.
(phone beeps) What is that, a chainsaw? If only we knew someone else with money.
(phone beeps) OK, he just sent me a guy who's lighting up his own fart.
What does that mean? Woman: (wearily) Take 79.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Do me a deal, Mum.
Oh, now your walking's gone all weird, Eric.
Susie: Mum? Oh, thank God.
Eric's walking like a reanimated giraffe.
If ever there was a time that I needed you, Suse I'd rather gouge my own eyes out, turn them round and watch myself bleed to death.
OK, I don't have time for this.
Except I need you too.
Righto.
I'm listening.
I need an investor.
Kevin's pulled out.
If only he'd done that 10 years ago.
200 K, today.
Can you do it? Yep.
Course.
Deal.
Only if you do something for me.
Fine.
(laughs) Great.
Eric, change of plans.
You're going to hold that sign up in the background.
Susie's going to do the walking.
Mum, no! I can do this.
But we're up to take 79.
That's because the crew keeps staring at me.
I need a closed set.
- It's not 50 Shades of Grey, mate.
- You don't even care about me! You've got your new favourite son, your old favourite daughter, your new-old-new favourite husband.
- You don't need me.
- I do need you.
I need you in the background, holding that sign.
I'm sick of being in the background! Eric! - We need to talk.
- Well, I've got to shoot this ad.
- Now, Sando.
- Righto.
You get changed.
What is it? Are your undies too tight? My life - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
What's Rian doing? One of the crew gave her a headset so she can listen in.
- Oh.
- Mummy, what is sex? What? I heard Grandma and Grandpa say they had sex in the man cave.
Don, we had sex in the man cave.
And you tried to take my underpants off with your teeth.
I mean, what (gasps) (phone rings) OK.
Oh, gosh.
Hey, hon.
I can't talk.
I'm just at Mum's stupid ad thing, and we're about to roll.
Well, I just wanted to let you know that I'm just leaving town for a few days.
Nicky, has something happened? Uhno.
Yes.
I don't know.
We have so much to talk about.
Tell me about it.
I just found out that Dad slept with Sando.
Sosorry, he fucking what? I know! Can you believe it? What the hell is wrong with him? That prick! Thanks for being on my side.
I'm going to punch him in his stupid arsehole face! Whoa.
Remember, he's still my dad.
Oh, I'm going to punch him in his shitty, shitty, jingle-singing face! Nicky, I can't imagine you kicking anyone's arse, but maybe you should just take a couple of days off (disconnects call) Hello? (sighs) Alright, Sando.
Pack it up.
Show's over.
Tony! How the hell did you get in here? We haven't even got through one take yet.
Too bad.
We are not wasting one more cent on this farce.
We've still got a few minutes left.
Well, let me do you a deal.
I'll give you one minute, and then I pull the plug.
OK, fine.
Fine.
OK, everyone.
Let's do this.
We've got one shot at it, OK? Come on! Oh, where's Eric? Never mind, never mind.
Alright.
Hey, can I talk to you? Can I ask you how she got you involved in this? Let's just sayshe did me a deal.
What with - a bedside table and a couple of desk lamps? No, money.
Actually, quite a lot of it.
Well, she doesn't have any money.
We froze her assets when we stood her down from the company.
Did she not tell you that? Woman: And take 80.
G'day, Australia.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Is your family fed up with your old furniture? Keep 'em happy with this birch bookcase, only $199! Oh! You don't have any money?! That's right, Susie.
No money, no problemo.
You only have to come up with 79 bucks to keep your family happy with this lamp.
Oh! Let's keep shooting.
Prices - they're crashing down! Like this dining and cafe chair, only 69 bucks each.
(yells) Stupid chair! Stupid lamp! You like deals?! Deal with this! (yells) Anywaynot low enough? You got it, son.
How about $59 each? You're low enough.
You're low enough to sleep with your husband behind my back! What?! You want what you want and no-one can stop you - You can't quit Sando's Warehouse - Oh, my God! You just stole my words? - Co-writing credit? - Wait, you've been seeing my mum? SHE'S the other man? No, Eric.
I'm seeing your dad.
- (gasps) - Susie, I'm so sorry.
This is not how I wanted you to find out.
Wait, how long? Oh, that's a good question, Susie.
The Keep 'Em Happy sale lasts all weekend.
- We're in love.
- And you'll fall in love too, with this three-legged coffee table, only 49 bucks.
Eric.
Eric.
Oh! Oh, great.
Murray from The Wiggles gave me that! - Hey, hey.
- Eric.
Eric - I'm going to kill you, Dad! - Eric! I'm your father! (susie yells) (nicky screams) Calm down! Susie, no! Keep your family happy with the Keep 'Em Happy sale! (yells) Guys! Guys! Stop it! Melissa, we need to call an emergency board meeting.
As internet sales reach record levels, traditional retailers are forced to find new ways of tapping into the online boom - retailers such as Sando's Warehouse.
This week, the company rebranded and released its first online ad, already one of the most shared videos of the year.
And I'm joined in the studio by Vicky 'Sando' Sandringham herself.
- G'day, Sando.
- Oh, g'day, Paul.
Thanks for having me.
You look taller IRL.
(chuckles) Thank you very much.
Now, Sando, you're the Package Deal Queen, but you've been criticised for not keeping up with the times.
Not quite appealing to that online generation, it seems.
(laughs) You reading out the minutes from my last board meeting, are you? Well, I think you've knocked those allegations on the head with this new piece of retail marketing.
Well, we broke more than just the internet.
Let's take a look.
I'm back with a Keep 'Em Happy sale.
Do 'em a deal, Mum! Is your family fed up with your old furniture? Keep 'em happy with this birch bookcase, only $199! You only have to come up with 79 bucks to keep your family happy with this lamp.
Prices - they're crashing down, like these dining and cafe chairs, only 69 bucks each.
Why not find out what other bargains we have? Like this two-seater sofa, only $159! This three-legged coffee table, 49 bucks.
You want what you want, and no-one can stop you You can't quit Sando's Warehouse, 'cause Sando's won't let you.
That was brave stuff.
A far cry from the old image of happy families.
Well, we're about real families, Paul - showing regular Aussies that it's OK to stop pretending that we're perfect, you know, and embrace the crazy.
And that's what I pitched to my family, and they loved it, so we just went for it.
Paul: Is it a bit risky? Sando: Well, rebranding's risky, but that didn't stop me.
That's right, viewers - It's goodbye Sando's Warehouse, and hello Crazy Sando's! Get down to Crazy Rebrand Sale this weekend for UhSando, we can't do that.
This is a non-commercial network.
- Is that right? - But let's move on.
It is a refreshing approach to see a real family in your marketing, warts and all.
Do you think it'll translate into those online sales? Course I do.
Absolutely, 'cause that's the rebrand.
It's part of our big push online, as headed up by my wonderful daughter Susie, who I am so proud of.
She is going to annihilate the competition.
Paul: Well, companies are very good at putting spin on any kind of restructure, so as not Oh, sorry, boss.
I wasn't watching the interview, I swear.
Mmm.
Good.
Then you'll have this inventory report done today before you leave to get Rian from school.
(whispers) I'm so proud of you.
Me too.
Mum think she's won, but she has no idea how badly she's about to lose.
Umyou kind of look like her.
To defeat one's enemy, one has to become the enemy.
Crazy Sando's will become Carked It Sando's by the time I'm done, and that is a secret you're allowed to keep.
Sorry.
GaryGary had a - .
.
IT issue? - Yeah.
Fix his computer so he can't stream breakfast television on it.
- Mm-hm.
- And then back to work.
Yes, ma'am.
- You heard her.
- YOU did.
Just get out of Sando: We are a family business, and we're embracing family in a fresh and honest way.
It's not spin.
What you see is what you get.
Now, has having Susie back at the company allowed us to get rid of some of the dead wood? You bloody bet it has, and that's a good thing.
Paul: OK, so you've gone back to the family business model.
But what about your son Eric? He looked like he wanted to kill someone.
Sando: Oh, Eric.
Well, he gave an outstanding performance.
Paul: Is he working at the company too? Sando: He's actually taking some time off to work on his craft.
Like you, like me, every family has their ups and downs, their blind spots, their gaping wounds.
Don: Hey, Eric.
How you going, mate? - No, put that down.
- Eric: GET OUT! Don: OK, OK! Sando: But the love of a family can be like that.
Sometimes it's painful.
Really painful.
He's still not ready for visitors.
Yeah, so anonymity needs to be closely guarded.
I'll lose my practice otherwise.
Oh, no, don't worry.
It'll be full of juicy details.
I was counselling the whole house.
Let's just say .
.
juice is being spilled, then I'm going to mop it up with cash.
Isn't it time that we just accepted who we are? Celebrate it, rather than getting hung up about it? Find a way to laugh about it.
That's how you deal with it, isn't it? Paul: Yeah, you're so right.
Sando: I am.
How many times have you watched that? Four.
How's our boy? Luckily, Eric throws a chair like he throws a cricket ball.
He'll come good.
Susie did.
So .
.
what now? Do you want to watch my interview again? Oh, alright.