Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

[siren wailing in the distance.]
- I really don't think I bit him.
- But what if you did? And what if that makes him turn, and then he bites someone, and they bite someone, and pretty soon, we're like the biggest assholes ever.
No, we're gonna be fine.
I didn't bite him.
Because if I had, I'd have gotten the tingle.
- Right.
- In my vagina.
- No, I got it.
- [sighs.]
That first moment when I tear into living flesh is like Totally up to speed, honey.
I should have killed him.
Sweetheart, it's not your fault that Loki got away.
You only had the one shoe on and you had a very light breakfast.
I used to be the guy, you know.
Crunch time? Give Ice the ball.
"Ice"? When did they call you "Ice"? There was a guy.
It was an away game.
You didn't go.
- So there was one guy once.
- My point is Didn't they always give you the ball? You were the quarterback.
All I'm saying is, if I had stopped Loki, we wouldn't be in a car for the better part of two days waiting for him to return.
- So you're not a killer.
- [sighs.]
I love you for who you are, not who you think you should be.
He's not coming home.
A guy like that, two strangers show up, you don't know who sent them or when they're coming back? You don't return home.
You skip town.
Maybe.
Come on, Ice.
Ice.
Baby? [chuckles.]
You're lucky you're cute and that's my favorite song in the entire world.
Come on, let's go home.
I promised Lisa we'd go to their barbecue.
- You clicked "yes" on the Evite? - I did.
- I told you to click "maybe.
" - Only douches click "maybe.
" It's like saying, "Yes, unless something better comes along.
" Or, "Yes, unless I fail to pull off a murder for your husband and he gets back from his alibi trip and wants to know how it went.
" Just tell Dan you took care of it.
[chuckles.]
[Sheila.]
Loki's gone, and we covered our tracks.
There's nothing to tie us to anything.
It's like we were never there.
[instrumental theme music playing.]
- Pretty good, huh? - Yeah, it's amazing.
- I know.
- Hi, Amy.
- Hi, Sheila.
- Love your sandals.
Hey, Ed.
Got a beer.
All right.
Is small talk harder for you ever since we started killing people? Yeah.
A little bit.
- Hey, Sheila! - Hey, Kelly! Look at your hat! - I know! - [Dan.]
Joel! Excuse me, I gotta go lie to a cop and tell him I murdered somebody so I don't get in trouble.
Okay, I'll be over there with the girls drinking some guy from Vegas out of a straw, so I don't think anyone's getting a merit badge for honesty.
Anyway, the trick to planting rosebushes is you gotta get a little bone meal in there to nourish the root system.
Without bone meal, flowers are shit.
You didn't know that, did you? I don't think I'm ever gonna like you.
- Here comes someone who likes me.
- You think so, huh? Maybe you didn't hear, Rick, but Joel and I are best friends now.
- Right, Joel? - Yes.
We are best friends now.
Thank God.
This "will they, won't they" thing has been going on too long.
- So, I paid a visit to your friend Loki.
- Not even gonna ask me about my trip? - Okay, sure.
How was your trip? - Who gives a shit? You did it.
I thought you were too much of a pussy, but my CI said he missed his last two drops.
You fucking killed that What kind of a name is Loki, anyway? I didn't ask before I fucking killed him.
But I'm pretty sure Loki's the trickster god from Norse mythology.
I took a class in junior college on folk and fables.
Credits didn't transfer, but it's paying off now.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, big time.
So, what'd you do with the body? What didn't I do with the body? That sounded more sexual than I intended.
I disposed of him respectfully.
- Dan.
- I'm talking with my friend.
- We need more meat.
- I'll get it, my love.
Stay here.
There's something else that we need to discuss.
I can't believe you're not eating any of this food.
You're so good.
Oh, no.
It all looks amazing.
I'm just straight-up addicted to these smoothies.
I am so impressed with your willpower.
I can't even get it together to end my affair.
Or at least stop talking about it with your husband 15 feet away.
Uh, the danger is part of what makes it so hot.
That and the filthy, filthy sex.
I mean, it's so crazy.
It's, like, feral, like street cats.
And the stamina.
Just fucking and fucking, fucking Please, I'm not getting the picture, more detail.
- Okay.
His dick - Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But you don't know what it's like to be trapped in an unloving third marriage.
You guys never have problems.
- I wouldn't say that.
- What? Tell me.
What is it? Did you catch Joel drawing pictures of another woman? It just happened to my sister.
Yeah, no, that wasn't it.
Just, Joel and I do this thing together and I'm way better at it and I think he's feeling inadequate.
- Is it oral? - No.
- It's, um - Oral? No.
It's bowling.
And the last time we tried it together, I'm getting really good at it - and Joel couldn't even finish the game.
- You know what it sounds like? Oral.
Well, maybe you should just keep doing your thing, whatever it is.
It might be bowling, we don't know.
But do it by yourself and encourage Joel to find something that he's good at.
- Huh.
- Yeah, like hand stuff.
Joel played trumpet in high school, so he's really good with his lips and his hands.
Plus, he can keep a beat.
- But thanks, Alondra, for your advice.
- You may not take it.
Most people don't.
My sister didn't listen to me and now she's getting divorced.
But we're super competitive, so I'm okay with it.
Anyway, she needs to sell her house.
- Do you have a card? - No, but I have a pen.
It has all our information on it, so [items rattling.]
anyone can find us.
Oh, my God, it was in my purse.
I can't find it.
Oh, fuck! Damn it, damn it! Damn it! Damn it! - Nice buns.
- [chuckles.]
Nice icebreaker.
I haven't seen you around in a couple days.
I've been kind of busy.
Robots don't build themselves.
Yet.
Are we cool? I mean, after what happened the other day? The other day? Oh, when I tried to kiss you and you pulled away, horrified.
- No, I totally forgot about that.
- Totally.
Me too.
I just don't want things to be awkward between us.
In case we ever do remember it.
I won't be awkward - Princess Leia.
- Yeah, like this.
- Hoo-ahh! - [yelps.]
There he is.
Love that sound.
All man.
So I guess now you really want to kiss me.
This barbecue's boring.
Let's get out of here, do something fun.
Oh, I don't know.
Help me, Eric-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Nerd.
You stayed.
Good boy.
You know, we've been best friends for 48 hours, so I feel like I can make a suggestion.
Maybe you don't be a dick to everybody, including your stepson.
Food for thought.
So, killer, I got another guy who needs to go.
- What? - He's a sex trafficker.
You want me to kill again? I've spent two years chasing this scumbag.
Every time I get close, he bribes someone, leaves town.
He's back for a few days to sell his product.
Girls, Joel.
He sells girls.
What kind of asshole doesn't kill a guy like that? You're worse than he is.
First of all, no, I'm not.
And I thought we were done.
We're not done, buddy.
I've got two murders on you.
You know what you need? Some of Lisa's coleslaw.
It's wonderful.
Hey, Joel, I brought you one of these beers I've been drinking.
It's got honey in it.
Honey? Jesus Christ, Ed, that's such fucking good news.
When we borrowed your stepdad's tear gas, I saw these other things that looked kind of fun.
Here they are.
- These explode, right? - Uh, kind of.
They're flash bang grenades.
- They're super loud and super bright.
- You know what'd be cool? Taking a bunch to the desert and setting 'em off.
Oh, you know what'd be even cooler? Putting them back and then not having Dan find out I took his stuff.
That'd be crazy, right? - [yelps.]
- [clattering.]
- I yipped again, huh? - Barely.
- Where'd it go? - There.
I think it rolled under those shelves.
Oh, I see it.
[Eric.]
Can you get it? [hollow thump.]
What the? - Part of the wall just opened.
- What? What are you talking about? Help me.
Come on.
- [gasps.]
Fuck.
- Whoa.
- Look at all this stuff.
- Yeah.
It's gotta be Dan's.
He's a crooked cop.
He's got a closet full of illegal shit but he chews me out for riding my bike on the sidewalk.
What do you say we forget the flash bangs and have some real fun today? I'm not doing cocaine, Abby.
I just have a feeling I would be unbearable.
I'm not talking about drugs.
Okay, that's an even worse idea.
Dan is definitely gonna notice if I steal $20,000 from him.
- He'll kill me.
- [sighs.]
You're right, it's insane.
Let's start with a thousand.
[door opens, shuts.]
- We have a problem.
- I know.
I can't find my pen.
I'm gonna say my problem's bigger.
Bigger than I left my pen with our names on it at Loki's apartment? Damn it.
Why can't we ever have one easy fucking day? - I know! - Dan wants me to kill again.
Oh, really? Who does he want us to kill this time? - Sex trafficker.
- [chuckles.]
Nice and bad.
No.
We can't keep doing this for him.
Well, I'm almost finished with the guy in the freezer.
It's just thighs and giblets.
And what's worse than a sex trafficker? Maybe we need to change our perspective on this.
Maybe Dan is working for us.
And he's like our little truffle pig just leading us to tasty morsels.
[nibbling.]
That may be the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said about Dan, but I'm sorry, honey, I'm just not doing it.
Okay.
I'm serious.
I thought about what you said in the car, and you're right, I'm not a killer.
All right.
I can do this alone.
I got a new kill poncho.
It's pink, you know, because why not? You know, I'm not just talking about Dan.
I'm saying I'm not going with you at all anymore.
Got it.
- Ever.
- Roger that.
- Okay, what's your game? - No game, honey.
You're just being really straightforward and honest with me and I truly appreciate that, so let's try your plan.
Good.
Let's.
And what's my role in my plan? It's getting the pen, isn't it? Sneaking into a criminal's apartment at night, not getting caught.
- Sneaking back out - With a pen.
I get it.
- I'm in charge of pens.
- Said the brutally handsome man.
- Now you're just making it worse.
- Am I, stud? "A branch from Groot.
Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014.
" Wow, I've never been this close to a celebrity.
You should buy it.
It's $1,000.
If we get this, we won't have anything left for you.
I don't care.
Wait are you just doing this because you feel bad about not kissing me? No.
A little.
So much stuff has happened to me over the past couple of weeks but it's been okay because I've had you to talk to.
So when I see how your shitty stepdad treats you, I I just want to make you happy.
'Cause you deserve to be happy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let's buy you that stick.
First, Groot's not a stick.
He's a plant that believes in the power of community.
But even still, that's not gonna do it.
Okay, how about a communicator from Star Trek? A wand from Now You See Me 2? Kevin Bacon's hat from Tremors? I like the hat but none of that's gonna make me happy.
Then what will? - It's dumb.
- What? Every day, Dan makes me feel small and stupid.
I'd like to make him feel that way.
Just once.
- What if we made him yip? - [chuckles.]
- That'd be sweet.
But how? - I don't know.
But however we do it, you're gonna do it in Kevin Bacon's hat.
- All set.
- Do you have your poncho? - Yep.
- Christmas tree bag? - Got it.
- Did you remember a snack? - Fingers.
- That's fun.
Now if you have any problem killing this guy, any problem at all, you call me, okay? And if you have any problems finding that pen Yes, I'll call.
Look at us.
Dividing up tasks, nobody doing what they don't want to do.
- This is good for us.
- I guess.
Although I feel like I'm not really holding up my end.
Well, honey, we shouldn't force each other to do something the other person doesn't want to do.
Like when I dragged you to see the World Famous Lipizzaner Stallions.
It was eight horses walking sideways.
They don't even try to make it entertaining.
Larry King said it was the best show he'd ever seen.
Maybe, maybe for 30 seconds it's a little interesting.
Okay, I see your point.
We don't have to do everything together.
Exactly.
Like, when we're out of toilet paper, we don't have to both go run to the store.
- You want me to get toilet paper? - Not if you don't want to.
There is a Rite Aid on your way home and you are looking for more ways to hold up your end.
[sultry meow.]
[sighs.]
Where are you, you sex-trafficking son of a bitch? [elevator bell dings.]
Oh, there he is.
It's okay.
You can do this solo.
- [horn honks.]
- [gasps.]
[dog barking in the distance.]
Loki? Hello? [siren blaring in the distance.]
- [gasping.]
Gah! - [hissing.]
[exhaling sharply.]
- Yo, who the fuck are you? - Joel.
[grunts.]
What's going on? Where's Loki? - I don't know.
- Get the fuck off his sofa.
You know how he feels about shoes on his furniture.
- There's a snake.
- Did you hurt Baby? That snake's a rescue.
He's already been through a lot.
Yo, there's blood.
[man.]
What the fuck is going on, Joel? I mean, we're here to party with our boy Loki, everything's trashed and you're disrespecting the man's sofa.
Okay, I'll be honest.
Joel isn't my real name, it's Buck.
I came here to purchase cocaine.
Loki wasn't home and the place was in disarray.
I was starting to leave when I was startled by the snake, Baby, a rescue.
Now having explained myself, I'll go.
No cocaine for Buck.
Oh, well.
- Hey, Joel! - Mm-hmm, yeah? - [groans.]
- You're not going anywhere.
Not until Marcus gets here.
He'll know what to do with you.
Siri, call Marcus, mobile.
There it is.
The second Dan digs too close, boom and yip.
I love this idea.
You're an evil genius.
Well, according to my SAT scores I'm just evil, but thank you.
Are you sure you wanna do this? Dan's gonna figure out it's you.
I know.
- You're not scared of him? - Oh, I'm terrified.
But having you around makes it okay.
Oh, no, don't get all excited, I was talking to the hat.
Of course.
[elevator bell dings.]
- Sheila? - Hi.
Yep, it's me.
What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like that? Oh, this? I was just on my way to a charity watermelon eating contest.
The mayor's gonna be there.
But how are you and what are you doing here? And who is your friend? Oh.
This is Bob, the guy I'm having an affair with.
And, Bob, this is Sheila.
She's the one who told me to have an affair.
Oh.
Hey, thank you so much.
[chuckles.]
You're welcome.
Actually, that wasn't at all what I said, but So, what do you do, Bob? - Me.
In a doorway.
- Babe.
[all laughing.]
That is true, but that's not what pays the bills.
- I'm a pediatric oncologist.
- Oh.
Yeah, I was doing my whole pharma rep thing and I stopped by his office upstairs I didn't even really need her samples, but I just didn't want her to leave.
He donated them to a clinic he volunteers at.
Isn't he so sweet? - Oh, my God.
You're a good person.
- [Bob.]
I was.
- Till I met this hot cup of coffee.
- [laughs.]
Well, have fun with your watermelon.
Hey, I'd love to make a donation.
What's your charity for? Blind ness.
They wanna stop it.
Well, I don't have my checkbook, but I do have $200.
Is that? Oh, my God.
[soul music playing.]
Are you sure you don't want the other half of my Molly? It'll relax you.
You've been a great hostess, Eva, but no, thank you.
I'd really like to go.
Sorry, not until Marcus gets here.
He really wants to talk to you.
[buzzing.]
Can I at least check my phone? My wife is doing this thing tonight and I'm a little bit worried about her.
Ah, you love her, that's sweet.
I'm rooting for Marcus not to hurt you.
Me too.
What you worried about? Little bit Marcus, but mostly because this thing my wife is doing is kind of dangerous and we usually do it together.
Aww, you wanna be with her because you love her.
That's beautiful.
Could I kiss your chest? I don't think so.
- Can I rub your hair? - I guess.
You know, my man is always making me do all this dangerous stuff by myself.
- Really? - Yeah.
Why is he doing that to me, Joel? I don't know.
Maybe he's not great at danger and thinks he would just get in your way.
You know, I never told him, but I want him with me.
- Having him there makes me feel better.
- Of course it does.
And he should wanna make you feel better.
He needs to stop only thinking about himself, put his issues aside, and be there for his wife.
We're not even married.
And I got a ton of shit to say about that, too.
[door opens.]
- What the fuck? - Yo, this is Joel.
And he didn't do nothing to Loki.
And he says you need to stop being a fucking pussy and come with me when I do my drops, and fucking put a ring on it, Marcus! Marcus is your boyfriend? Would've been good to know.
And I didn't call you a pussy.
She was being hyperbolic.
Oh, yeah, Eva's hyperbolic as shit.
But if she says you're cool, you can go.
- Really? - Nope.
[groans.]
Huh.
Excellent news.
I got the pen.
Oh, my God.
I was so worried about you.
[sighs.]
- What are you wearing? - Some of Loki's friends came by.
We hung out for a while, then they knocked me out.
When I woke up, they were gone, along with my money and phone, and for some reason all my clothes.
- Which [chuckles.]
I guess is funny.
- Oh, my God.
Honey, thank God you're okay.
How was your night with the sex trafficker? A question I never thought I'd ask my wife.
Awful.
It turns out he wasn't a trafficker.
He was Lisa's boyfriend.
A nice pediatrician who gave me $200.
I almost killed an innocent man.
And even if I find a worthy charity to donate the money to, I'm still gonna get the tax write-off.
- Oh, sweetheart, it's okay.
- Ohh.
And I hated being there without you.
I was wrong.
I don't wanna do this alone.
It was like when I gave birth to Abby.
I did the messy parts, but I needed you to get me through it.
You're never gonna be alone again.
As much as I complain about Loki's friends, they made me realize I want to be there for you.
- I love that.
Thank you, Loki's friends.
- No more doing things separately.
From now on, we fuck everything up together.
Good.
Now what are we gonna do about Dan? We have some stuff on him now.
I'll go over there tomorrow and tell him we're out.
Thank you.
You know, when I was about to kill that guy today, I got the tingle.
- Down there.
- I know where the tingle lives, honey.
Then why don't you go visit it.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
I'd love to.
- [Joel.]
Hey, Dan.
- Hey, buddy.
- I knocked on your door, no one answered.
- So you trespassed.
I could shoot you.
[laughs.]
I'm just kidding! Why would I shoot my friend? So you, uh, do that thing we talked about yesterday? No, and I'm not going to.
It's over, Dan.
And if you turn me in, I'll turn you in too.
- Into what? - No.
I'll turn you in too.
In to what? I'll turn you in also.
I have two files with your fingerprints all over them.
People you blackmailed me to kill, including your wife's boyfriend.
That's right.
I know everything.
Whoa, you hear that? That's the sound of the tables turning.
So let me get this straight: you have a file on a guy who's not dead, and another file on an active case that you must've stolen from my house? Well, that's another way of looking at it.
Joel, you just had your little moment, but let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
You're gonna keep doing what I tell you to, because if you don't, I'm not only gonna put you away, I'm gonna put your wife away too.
- She has nothing to do with this.
- Really? I saw her with you the night you sprayed your lawn where you killed Gary.
I can build off of that.
Or I'll just plant some evidence.
I'm an LA Sheriff's Deputy, it's literally what we do.
You're the worst fucking neighbor.
You know what'd be fun? If I just arrested Sheila.
What would you do then, Joel? She's the one with the balls.
She sells the houses.
She's the closer, isn't she? You know what you are? You're my bitch.
Because that's what you're good at.
Unless I'm missing something.
Is there anything else you're good at, Joel? Anything at all? I'm pretty good with a shovel.
[muffled explosion, hissing.]
[instrumental theme music playing.]