SAS: Rogue Heroes (2022) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1
Your comrades
will be men who need
HE YELLS
only one order.
"Go, kill, return, go again."
We're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph.
His second name is Churchill.
So you're going to just
drive into Benghazi
and plant explosives?
EXPLOSIONS
I'm now 25!
What will you say to your father
when we get back to London?
I will say holy, holy
HORN HONKS
I have 20 of the toughest
finest paratroopers in the French army
under my command.
Compagnie! Formation!
Paddy, perhaps you would like
to inspect your men.
You are a German
in a Frenchman's uniform.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
I'm German too.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsche.
HE SNEEZES
—- BERGE: This is Aspirant Halévy.
He speaks German as well.
He is Jewish.
- I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin, throw me
where the enemy is most numerous.
And how is Dudley Clarke
responding to all the glory?
It seems he is impatient
for your destruction.
HE LAUGHS
We are apparently the talk of Cairo.
I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps
Vickers machine guns, explosives
more men.
Now is our moment.
At the western desert battle
and the fall of Tobruk
disappointment
another defeat after so many defeats.
With Egypt
the naval base of Alexandria
NEWSREADER FADES
- SOUNDS OF BATTLE
GUNFIRE ECHOES
our last hope of fighting back
in the Mediterranean.
If Malta falls
- HE WINCES
Africa is lost.
Oh
— Can't be relied upon to do it yourself
and besides
some of the infected places
would be very difficult
for you to reach.
I don't want you going into
any of those places.
— Shh, shh, shh.
HE WINCES
You go nowhere
the sunlight does not go.
Unfortunately, in the desert
the sun goes everywhere
and the sand.
It's the grit that does the damage.
Oh, God.
Argh!
— Shh, shh.
Do you remember collapsing?
Uh
I remember hearing Tobruk had fallen
and then I fell.
And I remember getting very drunk.
And dancing at
the Empire Club.
You were leaning, not dancing.
You stood on the table
and told everyone you loved me.
Dear God. Love?
HE CHUCKLES Oh, I do apologise.
Must've been the whisky.
HE WINCES
It was delirium, sunstroke
deep tissue infections
accumulated during three months
in the deep desert without a break.
While I was delirious
I had this rather mad delusion
that I should officially confirm
that you are my girlfriend.
Officially?
As if it were a military rank.
Quite.
And as my temperature rose
I thought I might propose marriage.
But in the cold light of day
It's never cold in the day in Cairo.
Well, in the light of day, I suppose
it would be rather odd
to propose to a woman
whilst she removes puss
from open wounds in your infected groin.
If that is rather odd
I'd hate to see very odd.
Well, very odd would be me talking
about the subject at all, Eve, but
if I were to propose
If you were to propose
I would remind you
that there is a war going on
which we are losing.
I have nothing else on my mind.
You need to be on top form
for your meeting with your prime minister.
Try not to walk like a duck.
Turn over for me.
Absolutely not.
No no!
HE YELLS
"Adolf" by Arthur Askey
Adolf, you've bitten off ♪
Much more than you can chew ♪
Come on, hold your hand out ♪
We're all fed up with you ♪
Cor, blimey! ♪
Julius Caesar!
Act one, scene, er two.
"Let me have men about me that are fat."
GUESTS LAUGH
"Sleek-headed men
and such as sleep o'nights."
"Yon'd Cassius has a lean and hungry look."
"He thinks too much.
Such men are dangerous."
Come on, Winston. Next line.
"Fear him not, Caesar.
He is not dangerous.
He is a noble Roman, and well given.
He reads much
he is a great observer
and he looks quite through
the deeds of men."
You are Major David Stirling.
L Detachment SAS, sir.
This is the famous Phantom Major.
This is Field Marshal Jan Smuts
Prime Minister of South Africa
and General Auchinleck you know.
You were walking in
a little awkwardly, Stirling.
Have you been wounded?
- No, I, uh
I have desert sores
all over my cock.
GUESTS GASP
Most crucially
I have one four inches up my arse.
Oh!
Can I pinch a light?
Sorry, I've been in the desert
a long, long time.
One loses propriety very quickly.
When my son
reported back to me about you
he quoted Lord Byron.
"He is the mildest mannered man
whoever scuttled a ship or cut a throat."
We are a band of oddities
gentlemen and pirates.
I brought you into the garden
to tell you that now more than ever
your new brand of warfare is needed.
Auchinleck has been too cautious.
Tobruk has fallen and Rommel is now
50 miles outside of Alexandria.
Malta is our last remaining hope
for controlling the Mediterranean
and supplying our North Africa armies.
Now, Malta is still under siege.
It has been hammered and hammered
but it has not surrendered.
My wish
is that the Island of Malta be saved.
I intend
to send two convoys of relief supplies
from Gibraltar and Alexandria.
These convoys must get through.
And what exactly
would you like me to do?
I want you to not ask that question.
Do whatever you think best
to achieve this goal.
You have a free hand
from Tripoli to Greece.
To Greece?
I've told General Auchinleck
that the whole of
the south Mediterranean coast
is now your remit.
If you succeed
I will recommend to Army Council
that the SAS become a regiment
not a phantom regiment, but a real one
with you as commanding officer.
Yes, sir, it
It would be
- It would be what?
I would be achieving
what I set out to achieve, sir.
Now
exactly how serious
is your cock and arse condition?
It's, uh it's nothing that kind hands
and iodine cannot resolve.
Well, then we must
set you to work straight away.
What will you need?
I will need your autograph, sir.
My autograph?
A souvenir.
To remember the day.
Of course.
My autograph.
Do you have a pen?
Pen, yes.
General Auchinleck.
Prime Minister.
Stirling would like your autograph.
He wants your signature.
A souvenir of the day.
Sir, a blank sheet of paper
signed by the two of us
could be used for—-
Just sign it, General.
Thank you.
Stirling.
Forget the etiquette of war.
Do whatever it takes.
Prime Minister
I hope you know what you're doing.
Of course I know what I'm doing.
I'm letting slip the dogs of war.
"You Started It"
by Bench Kids
MEN YELL AND CHATTER
That's it, you started it ♪
You started it ♪
- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪
Your move, what to do ♪
What to do ♪
- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪
MEN GRUNT AND YELL
Bloody hell.
I'm gonna shoot the wee ballbag!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Well, well, well.
Nice 'tache, Errol.
Is this, uh, Agincourt or Orléans?
It's Orléans, sir.
MEN CHEER
Well, I'm afraid the game is over.
I have new instructions
from Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
Go to the mess hall
and take off all your clothes.
‘Ere you are, boys.
Winston wants to see your winkies.
MEN CHEER
LIVELY CHATTER
Firstly, I have asked
you all to stand naked
because this gentleman is a doctor
Dr Gamal.
He is a man I've known for a very long time
and whom I trust implicitly
even when he's high out of his head
on his own laughing gas.
MEN LAUGH
—- He is very discreet. Go on.
I've brought him here from Cairo
to make sure you men are all fit and ready
for what lies ahead.
The first task I have given him
is to inspect you all for desert sores
and open ulcers
which many of you have
and conceal, as I once did.
So we need you all to be fit
because, gentlemen
our moment of truth has come.
Dear God, man.
I'm, u h J Ss orry, Sir
That's no desert sore, Doctor.
I can hear Dave at night.
MEN LAUGH —- I'm sorry, sir.
We are about to embark on a mission
from which I would estimate
one third of us will not return.
In 48 hours, two convoys
are taking supplies to Malta.
Hitler will throw
every plane he has at them.
Our job is to destroy as many of
those planes on the ground as we can
before those convoys set sail.
We are going to simultaneously attack
six airbases
along the Mediterranean coast
from Benina, in the west
to Heraklion, in the east.
Yes, Paddy?
What business do we have in Crete?
Our sphere of operation has expanded.
How the fuck do we get to Crete?
In a submarine.
And how the fuck
are we gonna get a submarine?
I've already got a fucking submarine.
MEN LAUGH
As well as 50 extra Jeeps to go
with the 50 already promised
which will all be fitted with Vickers
heavy machine guns
and bulletproof windscreens
taken from fighter planes.
SOLDIERS CHEER
- We also have 20 new trucks.
Beretta submachine guns
adapted for sand conditions.
Replacement engines for all our vehicles,
with cooling systems.
And just wait until you see
what the twin Vickers can do.
SOLDIER YOWLS
- MEN LAUGH
And the good wishes of the King
via the Commander in Chief
of British Forces, North Africa.
MEN APPLAUD AND MUTTER
But firstly, whose cock
did you suck in Cairo, sir?
MEN LAUGH
Right, those of you with ribbons
go with Dr Gamal.
He will remove the infected flesh
with a toothbrush.
MEN WINCE
When you are brushed, bandaged up,
pumped full of painkillers
amphetamines and sulphur
we will begin
our glorious expansion.
Yes!
- MEN CHATTER
THEY CHEER
Ja.
HE IMITATES GUNFIRE
Whoa-ho-ho!
— INDISTINCT CHATTER
MEN CHATTER
God almighty.
From here on in, I'm going to keep
my toothbrush on me at all times
so that Dr Gamal doesn't get to it first.
Six targets.
Who's going where?
Well, Paddy, you
will take Berka satellite airfield
number one.
While, Zirnheld, you will take
Berka satellite airfield number two
so that you can compete
with one another
for most number of planes destroyed.
Captain Berge
you will board the submarine Triton
and travel to the Gulf of Malia
off the coast of Crete.
You will be met
by Captain Alexander Norton.
Together you will attack
the airstrip at Heraklion.
Who will take Derna and Martuba?
They're 190 kilometres behind German lines.
You will take Derna and Martuba.
Intelligence have provided us
with a stolen German truck.
Yes, and I have offered the services
of Bruckner and Essner,
our two native Germans.
Essner?
- Yes, Essner.
What is it, Paddy?
If it were me crossing frontlines
into German territory with
Sergeant Essner
I would keep a Colt .45 revolver
in very close proximity
to the back of his head
at all times.
PADDY IMITATES HIM:
Pas mal, Paddy.
I mean, look at my friend here.
Before he left for Cairo,
he was like a pirate.
Now there's a different look about him.
Too many pats on the head
from generals has made you dizzy, boy.
Counting airstrips
like a rich man counting coins.
Oh, you have great difficulty
with approval, don't you, Paddy?
You'd just rather play the renegade.
—- I see a new ambition.
There is no time to be unambitious.
Convoys are setting sail for Malta.
Shh!
You don't know
who might be listening to you.
I know my fucking
Colt .45 at all times!
Fuck you.
David, I assume you'll be taking
the remaining airstrip.
Benina.
—- Benina.
Aye, right, Benina.
The biggest airstrip of them all.
More Kills in bloody Benina
more bangs and fuel at Benina.
Given himself the best
as per fucking usual.
Oh, yes! That's right, Paddy,
and I'm bringing back the blackboard.
Now, you should know I'll be taking no part
in counting dead bodies.
Nobody's asking you to,
you white-flag-wagging
shite-the-bucket, you—-
- Paddy.
Tonight, we are soldiers with one goal.
We fight as one or we fail.
Including the two Germans, Paddy.
Do not think that I did not see you
refuse Dr Gamal's ribbon.
Go and get your fucking ulcers scrubbed
before we depart
and that is an order.
I remember when this regiment
used to be unknown and unobserved.
Christ, we used to be some craic back then.
- Hmm, well, we're not a regiment.
Not yet.
Ah
now I get it.
We will be reckless in pursuit
of your own lofty ambition!
Yes, that's right, Paddy!
Exactly right.
The prize has been offered,
the game is on.
And we will win if we do this my way.
When the rest of you fuck up,
I'm answerable to myself.
Ja.
GUNSHO
Good luck, lads!
Come on, boys, let's crack on.
Good luck, old chap.
Race you to Berka.
Our biggest jolly yet!
Let's go!
CAMERA CLICKS
Frenchie!
This is where we split!
You're going northeast!
And Frenchie, remember!
You don't fire a shot until the moon sets!
May the best man win.
Aye, right.
Bon. Allez
BRUCKNER AND ESSNER IN GERMAN:
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Silence.
Shh, shh, shh.
Grazie.
Prends ca.
Roll out the barrel.
The gang's all here.
Those are your disguises, gentlemen.
Got a bit wet when the tide came in.
Hung 'em out to dry.
Everyone on this island wears black
to mourn the death of the Messiah.
HE CHUCKLES
SOLDIERS CHUCKLE
You're Norton, I presume?
Yes. Better get into costume.
Curtain up in 45 minutes, chaps.
Messieurs, en avant.
Pistols only, gents.
We don't wanna draw attention to ourselves.
What fuses do we use tonight, boss?
Tonight, we don't use fuses.
So what do we do?
They used to call people
whose minds were altered
by the moon "lunatics".
Tonight, we will raise
a little bedlam with our new toys.
I have had an idea.
— Oh, fuck.
DISTANT CHATTER
We'll wait here until the moon sets.
SOLDIER IN FRENCH:
LOCALS CHATTER AND SING
We've seen Nazi-occupied Europe.
For every German we Kill,
there may be a reprisal.
Don't think about it, old boy.
Just do it.
Right, this is where we split up.
Bonne chance.
- Good luck.
Come on.
Right, prepare to attack.
Bring them on.
DISTANT EXPLOSION
- DOG BARKS
Ah, for fuck's sake.
SIRENS WAIL
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SHOUTING
Think Zirnheld might have
gone a tad early, sir?
Very free.
Very French.
Fuck, I knew it. Bravo, Stirling.
There goes Malta.
Paddy?
Paddy?
Paddy, come on, you know we can't do this.
You have to stand down.
Paddy, I could give the order.
Let the French have this one.
We can get 'em another day, Paddy.
Maybe the others will have better luck.
We're standing down, boys.
Back to the rendezvous point.
Fuck's sake.
ENGINE GRINDS
Verdammt.
ENGINE GRINDS
Scheisse
HALEVY IN FRENCH:
FAINT THUDS
Abend.
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Huh?
MEN CHUCKLE
HE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY
HE SPEAKS GERMAN
Oui.
- Vite, vite, vite.
HE TAPS THE VAN
Hey, hey!
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
SOLDIER YELLS IN GERMAN
GUNFIRE
THEY GASP
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
—- GUNS COCK
Los raus!
Raus hat mich gesagt.
JORDAN IN FRENCH:
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
Vite!
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Vite!
BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:
Sors!/
—- BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:
Courage!
—- GUNFIRE
EXPLOSION
MEN YELL
SOLDIER SPEAKS GERMAN
Go, go, go!
MEN LAUGH AND CHATTER
Now, fly like geese!
Butcher and bolt!
GUNFIRE
MEN YELL
Sarge, they're unarmed!
STIRLING YELLS
THEY CHEER
Kraut bastards!
GERMAN SOLDIER YELLS
THEY CHEER
Come on!
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
Johnny, how old are you now?
I don't add unarmed men to my tally.
WOMEN SCREAM IN DISTANCE
GUNFIRE
WOMEN AND CHILDREN SCREAM
DISTANT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Restez la.
GUN COCKS
- SOLDIER IN GERMAN:
Blues nearly home, lads.
Now, any score?
Anything for your famous blackboard?
Fifteen Stukas.
Eighteen Messerschmitts.
How about you?
Nothing.
Premature ejaculation
on part of the French.
Ah.
Who's back?
You, me, Zirnheld and Jordan.
You did well.
Why is there no jollity?
Jollity?
Because
we caught them off-guard.
Shot at them rather like you at Tamet.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
Yes?
I asked you a question
Captain Mayne.
Yes, sir.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
I was wrong about Essner.
The traitor was Bruckner.
The whole unit wiped out except Jordan.
Death sits easy on your shoulders, comrade.
Turns out
we drink from the same well after all.
"It Don't Mean A Thing"
by Duke Ellington
If you're drunk, please go away.
If you're sober,
I will throw you off this balcony.
I've stopped drinking, completely.
Right.
- Three months.
I need to speak to you.
Yes, Il I've found someone.
Someone who's prepared to tolerate
the sharp words and harsh impulses.
You nearly killed
the son of the prime minister.
Yes, well, vodka does, uh
does make some poor decisions.
- Yes.
I would apologise but, um
Well, after you've heard
what I have to say
you won't remember anything I said before.
- Ah.
When did you get back to Cairo?
Yesterday.
Have you been trying to contact Eve?
I called her but there was no reply.
I thought she might be here.
Yeah, Eve was, um
flown over to Alexandria three days ago
on the orders of General De Gaulle.
She set off back to Cairo
yesterday afternoon.
I think she was wanting
to be there for your arrival
and she hitched a lift from a mail plane.
There was a terrible sandstorm
east of Alexandria last night.
And the pilot took
evasive action but, uh
well, the Chief of the Cairo Bureau
said that the plane went down
in the Qattara Depression.
Wreckage hasn't been located yet.
So sorry, David.
I mean
HE CHUCKLES
Of course.
I'm so, so sorry, it's just
- What else?
Everything I touch, boom, gone.
There no more.
Would you like me to order you a
order you a car?
— No.
No, I'm just
I'm just waiting for it to catch up.
It's never real, the first minutes.
She was a remarkable woman.
Terribly bad luck, isn't it, I suppose.
Just when we had
something to celebrate, I mean
You should go home.
I was going to take her dancing.
Dancing.
Well, I'll be at the bar. I'll, um
When you're ready to leave,
I'll order you a car.
Oh
HE SNIFFLES
GLASS SHATTERS
So, gentlemen
news of the real world
beyond our jolly little circus.
We are fewer than we were, but
those men we lost gave their lives
in a winning cause.
The relief convoys which set sail
for Malta one week ago
consisted of 17 ships.
Fifteen of those ships were sunk
by German aircraft
but two ships
made it through to Valletta.
Two heavily laden supply ships with food
medicine, weapons and ammunition.
Malta is saved.
- Come on!
- MEN CHEER
Africa is saved from fascism
because of you.
Because the planes
you destroyed are the planes
that would've sunk
the two ships that made it.
But, in the words of Winston Churchill,
this is not
the beginning of the end.
This is the end
of the beginning.
While we were saving Malta
our American cousins finally finished
their extended round of golf
and decided to join in
and give us a bit of a hand.
Well, about fucking time.
THEY LAUGH
- SEEKINGS: Too right.
The Americans are landing
their first attachment of elite troops
at Casablanca and will head east.
We will gather our forces in Egypt
and head west.
The Germans and the Italians
are in the middle.
It would be foolhardy to think
that any of our forces can make it
all the way through enemy lines
to link up with the Americans
but we are fools.
THEY CHUCKLE
Famous fools.
So that is exactly
what I am going to try to do.
I shall enter the lion's den
in search of a potential supply line
through Gabeées Gap
to link up our two armies.
The rest of you
continue your fantastic work
making Axis aeroplanes go pop and bang
in the middle of the night.
THEY CHUCKLE
While I was in Cairo,
I got a note from GHQ.
The special air service
known as L Detachment
iS NOW
officially
a British Army regiment.
- SOLDIERS CHEER
- I owe you a shilling then!
- Come on!
- That's on the house, mate.
- We did it, gentlemen.
We did it.
Congratulations, sir.
Hurrah for the new Colonel, lads!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
SOLDIER IN FRENCH:
Well done, Reg.
Well done.
- Yes.
Congratulations, boys.
Pleasure.
Dear Mother.
You may have read in the papers
the good news about Malta.
I don't want to come the swank
or be pomposo
but I want you to know that I had
some part in making this happen.
And you should know
that you and father had some part
in making me the soldier
who could play that part.
Meanwhile, my holiday in the sun
continues to be eventful.
Yours in victory,
your loving son, David.
BOTTLE UNCORKS
Go.
Kill.
Return.
Go again.
HE WHISTLES
Ambush, right!
GUNFIRE
Fuck! Stop it!
GUNFIRE CONTINUES
—- SOLDIER GRUNTS
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
COOPER YELLS
Stop! Sadler, run!
Sir, fucking move!
SHELL FIRE BOOMS
GUNFIRE
MEN GRUN
Phantom Major, drop your weapon.
He's got to surrender.
If he shoots, he's dead. Fuck's sake.
Shit.
Drop your weapon.
Last warning or we will shoot.
Shh!
March.
What the fuck
are we supposed to do now?
Uh
I suppose we better go
and find some Americans.
Come on. Head down.
"Wish Me Luck" by Gracie Fields
Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Not a tear but a cheer,
make it gay ♪
Give me a smile I
can keep all the while ♪
In my heart while I'm away ♪
Till we meet once again,
you and I ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Not a tear but a cheer,
make it gay ♪
Give me a smile I
can keep all the while ♪
In my heart while I'm away ♪
Till we meet once again,
you and I ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
FAINT ENGINE APPROACHES
Vehicle approaching!
This came in from GHQ Cairo, sir.
"Stirling captured at Gabeées Gap.
Stop."
"Overall command of SAS regiment
all units to pass to Ma
Overall command of SAS regiment
all units to pass to
Major Robert Blair 'Paddy' Mayne."
They've made you a Major
and put you in charge, Paddy.
The mad bastards have put you
in charge of fucking everything.
Now the blood will flow.
Your comrades
will be men who need
HE YELLS
only one order.
"Go, kill, return, go again."
We're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph.
His second name is Churchill.
So you're going to just
drive into Benghazi
and plant explosives?
EXPLOSIONS
I'm now 25!
What will you say to your father
when we get back to London?
I will say holy, holy
HORN HONKS
I have 20 of the toughest
finest paratroopers in the French army
under my command.
Compagnie! Formation!
Paddy, perhaps you would like
to inspect your men.
You are a German
in a Frenchman's uniform.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
I'm German too.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsche.
HE SNEEZES
—- BERGE: This is Aspirant Halévy.
He speaks German as well.
He is Jewish.
- I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin, throw me
where the enemy is most numerous.
And how is Dudley Clarke
responding to all the glory?
It seems he is impatient
for your destruction.
HE LAUGHS
We are apparently the talk of Cairo.
I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps
Vickers machine guns, explosives
more men.
Now is our moment.
At the western desert battle
and the fall of Tobruk
disappointment
another defeat after so many defeats.
With Egypt
the naval base of Alexandria
NEWSREADER FADES
- SOUNDS OF BATTLE
GUNFIRE ECHOES
our last hope of fighting back
in the Mediterranean.
If Malta falls
- HE WINCES
Africa is lost.
Oh
— Can't be relied upon to do it yourself
and besides
some of the infected places
would be very difficult
for you to reach.
I don't want you going into
any of those places.
— Shh, shh, shh.
HE WINCES
You go nowhere
the sunlight does not go.
Unfortunately, in the desert
the sun goes everywhere
and the sand.
It's the grit that does the damage.
Oh, God.
Argh!
— Shh, shh.
Do you remember collapsing?
Uh
I remember hearing Tobruk had fallen
and then I fell.
And I remember getting very drunk.
And dancing at
the Empire Club.
You were leaning, not dancing.
You stood on the table
and told everyone you loved me.
Dear God. Love?
HE CHUCKLES Oh, I do apologise.
Must've been the whisky.
HE WINCES
It was delirium, sunstroke
deep tissue infections
accumulated during three months
in the deep desert without a break.
While I was delirious
I had this rather mad delusion
that I should officially confirm
that you are my girlfriend.
Officially?
As if it were a military rank.
Quite.
And as my temperature rose
I thought I might propose marriage.
But in the cold light of day
It's never cold in the day in Cairo.
Well, in the light of day, I suppose
it would be rather odd
to propose to a woman
whilst she removes puss
from open wounds in your infected groin.
If that is rather odd
I'd hate to see very odd.
Well, very odd would be me talking
about the subject at all, Eve, but
if I were to propose
If you were to propose
I would remind you
that there is a war going on
which we are losing.
I have nothing else on my mind.
You need to be on top form
for your meeting with your prime minister.
Try not to walk like a duck.
Turn over for me.
Absolutely not.
No no!
HE YELLS
"Adolf" by Arthur Askey
Adolf, you've bitten off ♪
Much more than you can chew ♪
Come on, hold your hand out ♪
We're all fed up with you ♪
Cor, blimey! ♪
Julius Caesar!
Act one, scene, er two.
"Let me have men about me that are fat."
GUESTS LAUGH
"Sleek-headed men
and such as sleep o'nights."
"Yon'd Cassius has a lean and hungry look."
"He thinks too much.
Such men are dangerous."
Come on, Winston. Next line.
"Fear him not, Caesar.
He is not dangerous.
He is a noble Roman, and well given.
He reads much
he is a great observer
and he looks quite through
the deeds of men."
You are Major David Stirling.
L Detachment SAS, sir.
This is the famous Phantom Major.
This is Field Marshal Jan Smuts
Prime Minister of South Africa
and General Auchinleck you know.
You were walking in
a little awkwardly, Stirling.
Have you been wounded?
- No, I, uh
I have desert sores
all over my cock.
GUESTS GASP
Most crucially
I have one four inches up my arse.
Oh!
Can I pinch a light?
Sorry, I've been in the desert
a long, long time.
One loses propriety very quickly.
When my son
reported back to me about you
he quoted Lord Byron.
"He is the mildest mannered man
whoever scuttled a ship or cut a throat."
We are a band of oddities
gentlemen and pirates.
I brought you into the garden
to tell you that now more than ever
your new brand of warfare is needed.
Auchinleck has been too cautious.
Tobruk has fallen and Rommel is now
50 miles outside of Alexandria.
Malta is our last remaining hope
for controlling the Mediterranean
and supplying our North Africa armies.
Now, Malta is still under siege.
It has been hammered and hammered
but it has not surrendered.
My wish
is that the Island of Malta be saved.
I intend
to send two convoys of relief supplies
from Gibraltar and Alexandria.
These convoys must get through.
And what exactly
would you like me to do?
I want you to not ask that question.
Do whatever you think best
to achieve this goal.
You have a free hand
from Tripoli to Greece.
To Greece?
I've told General Auchinleck
that the whole of
the south Mediterranean coast
is now your remit.
If you succeed
I will recommend to Army Council
that the SAS become a regiment
not a phantom regiment, but a real one
with you as commanding officer.
Yes, sir, it
It would be
- It would be what?
I would be achieving
what I set out to achieve, sir.
Now
exactly how serious
is your cock and arse condition?
It's, uh it's nothing that kind hands
and iodine cannot resolve.
Well, then we must
set you to work straight away.
What will you need?
I will need your autograph, sir.
My autograph?
A souvenir.
To remember the day.
Of course.
My autograph.
Do you have a pen?
Pen, yes.
General Auchinleck.
Prime Minister.
Stirling would like your autograph.
He wants your signature.
A souvenir of the day.
Sir, a blank sheet of paper
signed by the two of us
could be used for—-
Just sign it, General.
Thank you.
Stirling.
Forget the etiquette of war.
Do whatever it takes.
Prime Minister
I hope you know what you're doing.
Of course I know what I'm doing.
I'm letting slip the dogs of war.
"You Started It"
by Bench Kids
MEN YELL AND CHATTER
That's it, you started it ♪
You started it ♪
- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪
Your move, what to do ♪
What to do ♪
- Wanna play, wanna play again? ♪
MEN GRUNT AND YELL
Bloody hell.
I'm gonna shoot the wee ballbag!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Well, well, well.
Nice 'tache, Errol.
Is this, uh, Agincourt or Orléans?
It's Orléans, sir.
MEN CHEER
Well, I'm afraid the game is over.
I have new instructions
from Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
Go to the mess hall
and take off all your clothes.
‘Ere you are, boys.
Winston wants to see your winkies.
MEN CHEER
LIVELY CHATTER
Firstly, I have asked
you all to stand naked
because this gentleman is a doctor
Dr Gamal.
He is a man I've known for a very long time
and whom I trust implicitly
even when he's high out of his head
on his own laughing gas.
MEN LAUGH
—- He is very discreet. Go on.
I've brought him here from Cairo
to make sure you men are all fit and ready
for what lies ahead.
The first task I have given him
is to inspect you all for desert sores
and open ulcers
which many of you have
and conceal, as I once did.
So we need you all to be fit
because, gentlemen
our moment of truth has come.
Dear God, man.
I'm, u h J Ss orry, Sir
That's no desert sore, Doctor.
I can hear Dave at night.
MEN LAUGH —- I'm sorry, sir.
We are about to embark on a mission
from which I would estimate
one third of us will not return.
In 48 hours, two convoys
are taking supplies to Malta.
Hitler will throw
every plane he has at them.
Our job is to destroy as many of
those planes on the ground as we can
before those convoys set sail.
We are going to simultaneously attack
six airbases
along the Mediterranean coast
from Benina, in the west
to Heraklion, in the east.
Yes, Paddy?
What business do we have in Crete?
Our sphere of operation has expanded.
How the fuck do we get to Crete?
In a submarine.
And how the fuck
are we gonna get a submarine?
I've already got a fucking submarine.
MEN LAUGH
As well as 50 extra Jeeps to go
with the 50 already promised
which will all be fitted with Vickers
heavy machine guns
and bulletproof windscreens
taken from fighter planes.
SOLDIERS CHEER
- We also have 20 new trucks.
Beretta submachine guns
adapted for sand conditions.
Replacement engines for all our vehicles,
with cooling systems.
And just wait until you see
what the twin Vickers can do.
SOLDIER YOWLS
- MEN LAUGH
And the good wishes of the King
via the Commander in Chief
of British Forces, North Africa.
MEN APPLAUD AND MUTTER
But firstly, whose cock
did you suck in Cairo, sir?
MEN LAUGH
Right, those of you with ribbons
go with Dr Gamal.
He will remove the infected flesh
with a toothbrush.
MEN WINCE
When you are brushed, bandaged up,
pumped full of painkillers
amphetamines and sulphur
we will begin
our glorious expansion.
Yes!
- MEN CHATTER
THEY CHEER
Ja.
HE IMITATES GUNFIRE
Whoa-ho-ho!
— INDISTINCT CHATTER
MEN CHATTER
God almighty.
From here on in, I'm going to keep
my toothbrush on me at all times
so that Dr Gamal doesn't get to it first.
Six targets.
Who's going where?
Well, Paddy, you
will take Berka satellite airfield
number one.
While, Zirnheld, you will take
Berka satellite airfield number two
so that you can compete
with one another
for most number of planes destroyed.
Captain Berge
you will board the submarine Triton
and travel to the Gulf of Malia
off the coast of Crete.
You will be met
by Captain Alexander Norton.
Together you will attack
the airstrip at Heraklion.
Who will take Derna and Martuba?
They're 190 kilometres behind German lines.
You will take Derna and Martuba.
Intelligence have provided us
with a stolen German truck.
Yes, and I have offered the services
of Bruckner and Essner,
our two native Germans.
Essner?
- Yes, Essner.
What is it, Paddy?
If it were me crossing frontlines
into German territory with
Sergeant Essner
I would keep a Colt .45 revolver
in very close proximity
to the back of his head
at all times.
PADDY IMITATES HIM:
Pas mal, Paddy.
I mean, look at my friend here.
Before he left for Cairo,
he was like a pirate.
Now there's a different look about him.
Too many pats on the head
from generals has made you dizzy, boy.
Counting airstrips
like a rich man counting coins.
Oh, you have great difficulty
with approval, don't you, Paddy?
You'd just rather play the renegade.
—- I see a new ambition.
There is no time to be unambitious.
Convoys are setting sail for Malta.
Shh!
You don't know
who might be listening to you.
I know my fucking
Colt .45 at all times!
Fuck you.
David, I assume you'll be taking
the remaining airstrip.
Benina.
—- Benina.
Aye, right, Benina.
The biggest airstrip of them all.
More Kills in bloody Benina
more bangs and fuel at Benina.
Given himself the best
as per fucking usual.
Oh, yes! That's right, Paddy,
and I'm bringing back the blackboard.
Now, you should know I'll be taking no part
in counting dead bodies.
Nobody's asking you to,
you white-flag-wagging
shite-the-bucket, you—-
- Paddy.
Tonight, we are soldiers with one goal.
We fight as one or we fail.
Including the two Germans, Paddy.
Do not think that I did not see you
refuse Dr Gamal's ribbon.
Go and get your fucking ulcers scrubbed
before we depart
and that is an order.
I remember when this regiment
used to be unknown and unobserved.
Christ, we used to be some craic back then.
- Hmm, well, we're not a regiment.
Not yet.
Ah
now I get it.
We will be reckless in pursuit
of your own lofty ambition!
Yes, that's right, Paddy!
Exactly right.
The prize has been offered,
the game is on.
And we will win if we do this my way.
When the rest of you fuck up,
I'm answerable to myself.
Ja.
GUNSHO
Good luck, lads!
Come on, boys, let's crack on.
Good luck, old chap.
Race you to Berka.
Our biggest jolly yet!
Let's go!
CAMERA CLICKS
Frenchie!
This is where we split!
You're going northeast!
And Frenchie, remember!
You don't fire a shot until the moon sets!
May the best man win.
Aye, right.
Bon. Allez
BRUCKNER AND ESSNER IN GERMAN:
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Silence.
Shh, shh, shh.
Grazie.
Prends ca.
Roll out the barrel.
The gang's all here.
Those are your disguises, gentlemen.
Got a bit wet when the tide came in.
Hung 'em out to dry.
Everyone on this island wears black
to mourn the death of the Messiah.
HE CHUCKLES
SOLDIERS CHUCKLE
You're Norton, I presume?
Yes. Better get into costume.
Curtain up in 45 minutes, chaps.
Messieurs, en avant.
Pistols only, gents.
We don't wanna draw attention to ourselves.
What fuses do we use tonight, boss?
Tonight, we don't use fuses.
So what do we do?
They used to call people
whose minds were altered
by the moon "lunatics".
Tonight, we will raise
a little bedlam with our new toys.
I have had an idea.
— Oh, fuck.
DISTANT CHATTER
We'll wait here until the moon sets.
SOLDIER IN FRENCH:
LOCALS CHATTER AND SING
We've seen Nazi-occupied Europe.
For every German we Kill,
there may be a reprisal.
Don't think about it, old boy.
Just do it.
Right, this is where we split up.
Bonne chance.
- Good luck.
Come on.
Right, prepare to attack.
Bring them on.
DISTANT EXPLOSION
- DOG BARKS
Ah, for fuck's sake.
SIRENS WAIL
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND SHOUTING
Think Zirnheld might have
gone a tad early, sir?
Very free.
Very French.
Fuck, I knew it. Bravo, Stirling.
There goes Malta.
Paddy?
Paddy?
Paddy, come on, you know we can't do this.
You have to stand down.
Paddy, I could give the order.
Let the French have this one.
We can get 'em another day, Paddy.
Maybe the others will have better luck.
We're standing down, boys.
Back to the rendezvous point.
Fuck's sake.
ENGINE GRINDS
Verdammt.
ENGINE GRINDS
Scheisse
HALEVY IN FRENCH:
FAINT THUDS
Abend.
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Huh?
MEN CHUCKLE
HE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY
HE SPEAKS GERMAN
Oui.
- Vite, vite, vite.
HE TAPS THE VAN
Hey, hey!
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
SOLDIER YELLS IN GERMAN
GUNFIRE
THEY GASP
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
—- GUNS COCK
Los raus!
Raus hat mich gesagt.
JORDAN IN FRENCH:
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
Vite!
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN GERMAN
INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Vite!
BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:
Sors!/
—- BRUCKNER IN GERMAN:
Courage!
—- GUNFIRE
EXPLOSION
MEN YELL
SOLDIER SPEAKS GERMAN
Go, go, go!
MEN LAUGH AND CHATTER
Now, fly like geese!
Butcher and bolt!
GUNFIRE
MEN YELL
Sarge, they're unarmed!
STIRLING YELLS
THEY CHEER
Kraut bastards!
GERMAN SOLDIER YELLS
THEY CHEER
Come on!
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
Johnny, how old are you now?
I don't add unarmed men to my tally.
WOMEN SCREAM IN DISTANCE
GUNFIRE
WOMEN AND CHILDREN SCREAM
DISTANT CHATTER IN GERMAN
Restez la.
GUN COCKS
- SOLDIER IN GERMAN:
Blues nearly home, lads.
Now, any score?
Anything for your famous blackboard?
Fifteen Stukas.
Eighteen Messerschmitts.
How about you?
Nothing.
Premature ejaculation
on part of the French.
Ah.
Who's back?
You, me, Zirnheld and Jordan.
You did well.
Why is there no jollity?
Jollity?
Because
we caught them off-guard.
Shot at them rather like you at Tamet.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
Yes?
I asked you a question
Captain Mayne.
Yes, sir.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
I was wrong about Essner.
The traitor was Bruckner.
The whole unit wiped out except Jordan.
Death sits easy on your shoulders, comrade.
Turns out
we drink from the same well after all.
"It Don't Mean A Thing"
by Duke Ellington
If you're drunk, please go away.
If you're sober,
I will throw you off this balcony.
I've stopped drinking, completely.
Right.
- Three months.
I need to speak to you.
Yes, Il I've found someone.
Someone who's prepared to tolerate
the sharp words and harsh impulses.
You nearly killed
the son of the prime minister.
Yes, well, vodka does, uh
does make some poor decisions.
- Yes.
I would apologise but, um
Well, after you've heard
what I have to say
you won't remember anything I said before.
- Ah.
When did you get back to Cairo?
Yesterday.
Have you been trying to contact Eve?
I called her but there was no reply.
I thought she might be here.
Yeah, Eve was, um
flown over to Alexandria three days ago
on the orders of General De Gaulle.
She set off back to Cairo
yesterday afternoon.
I think she was wanting
to be there for your arrival
and she hitched a lift from a mail plane.
There was a terrible sandstorm
east of Alexandria last night.
And the pilot took
evasive action but, uh
well, the Chief of the Cairo Bureau
said that the plane went down
in the Qattara Depression.
Wreckage hasn't been located yet.
So sorry, David.
I mean
HE CHUCKLES
Of course.
I'm so, so sorry, it's just
- What else?
Everything I touch, boom, gone.
There no more.
Would you like me to order you a
order you a car?
— No.
No, I'm just
I'm just waiting for it to catch up.
It's never real, the first minutes.
She was a remarkable woman.
Terribly bad luck, isn't it, I suppose.
Just when we had
something to celebrate, I mean
You should go home.
I was going to take her dancing.
Dancing.
Well, I'll be at the bar. I'll, um
When you're ready to leave,
I'll order you a car.
Oh
HE SNIFFLES
GLASS SHATTERS
So, gentlemen
news of the real world
beyond our jolly little circus.
We are fewer than we were, but
those men we lost gave their lives
in a winning cause.
The relief convoys which set sail
for Malta one week ago
consisted of 17 ships.
Fifteen of those ships were sunk
by German aircraft
but two ships
made it through to Valletta.
Two heavily laden supply ships with food
medicine, weapons and ammunition.
Malta is saved.
- Come on!
- MEN CHEER
Africa is saved from fascism
because of you.
Because the planes
you destroyed are the planes
that would've sunk
the two ships that made it.
But, in the words of Winston Churchill,
this is not
the beginning of the end.
This is the end
of the beginning.
While we were saving Malta
our American cousins finally finished
their extended round of golf
and decided to join in
and give us a bit of a hand.
Well, about fucking time.
THEY LAUGH
- SEEKINGS: Too right.
The Americans are landing
their first attachment of elite troops
at Casablanca and will head east.
We will gather our forces in Egypt
and head west.
The Germans and the Italians
are in the middle.
It would be foolhardy to think
that any of our forces can make it
all the way through enemy lines
to link up with the Americans
but we are fools.
THEY CHUCKLE
Famous fools.
So that is exactly
what I am going to try to do.
I shall enter the lion's den
in search of a potential supply line
through Gabeées Gap
to link up our two armies.
The rest of you
continue your fantastic work
making Axis aeroplanes go pop and bang
in the middle of the night.
THEY CHUCKLE
While I was in Cairo,
I got a note from GHQ.
The special air service
known as L Detachment
iS NOW
officially
a British Army regiment.
- SOLDIERS CHEER
- I owe you a shilling then!
- Come on!
- That's on the house, mate.
- We did it, gentlemen.
We did it.
Congratulations, sir.
Hurrah for the new Colonel, lads!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
SOLDIER IN FRENCH:
Well done, Reg.
Well done.
- Yes.
Congratulations, boys.
Pleasure.
Dear Mother.
You may have read in the papers
the good news about Malta.
I don't want to come the swank
or be pomposo
but I want you to know that I had
some part in making this happen.
And you should know
that you and father had some part
in making me the soldier
who could play that part.
Meanwhile, my holiday in the sun
continues to be eventful.
Yours in victory,
your loving son, David.
BOTTLE UNCORKS
Go.
Kill.
Return.
Go again.
HE WHISTLES
Ambush, right!
GUNFIRE
Fuck! Stop it!
GUNFIRE CONTINUES
—- SOLDIER GRUNTS
INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER
COOPER YELLS
Stop! Sadler, run!
Sir, fucking move!
SHELL FIRE BOOMS
GUNFIRE
MEN GRUN
Phantom Major, drop your weapon.
He's got to surrender.
If he shoots, he's dead. Fuck's sake.
Shit.
Drop your weapon.
Last warning or we will shoot.
Shh!
March.
What the fuck
are we supposed to do now?
Uh
I suppose we better go
and find some Americans.
Come on. Head down.
"Wish Me Luck" by Gracie Fields
Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Not a tear but a cheer,
make it gay ♪
Give me a smile I
can keep all the while ♪
In my heart while I'm away ♪
Till we meet once again,
you and I ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Cheerio, here I go, on my way ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
Not a tear but a cheer,
make it gay ♪
Give me a smile I
can keep all the while ♪
In my heart while I'm away ♪
Till we meet once again,
you and I ♪
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye ♪
FAINT ENGINE APPROACHES
Vehicle approaching!
This came in from GHQ Cairo, sir.
"Stirling captured at Gabeées Gap.
Stop."
"Overall command of SAS regiment
all units to pass to Ma
Overall command of SAS regiment
all units to pass to
Major Robert Blair 'Paddy' Mayne."
They've made you a Major
and put you in charge, Paddy.
The mad bastards have put you
in charge of fucking everything.
Now the blood will flow.