Scarecrow and Mrs. King (1983) s01e06 Episode Script
Always Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth
LEE: There have been demonstrations wherever the prince and princess have traveled.
Wives of Zakirese leaders usually do very little talking but the princess has very strong opinions particularly on the subject of oil rights in Zakir.
And here's the royal couple, Prince Rheza Khan and his lovely princess the former Miss Penelope Squire of Fallsburg, New Hampshire.
It's the first time she's been back in the states since she married him in 1979.
I could have married royalty.
A prince actually proposed to me once.
- Why didn't you accept? - His country was too small.
LEE: They're a little tired from their trip.
The demonstrators were part of the Pan-Arab Unity League.
We have files on most of them.
- Who are they? - Eh, just being thorough, Billy.
Notice the guy has his back to the action? That's kind of strange, isn't it? Run that through the Photorecon lab and see if they can pull anything.
No sense taking any chances.
The attempted hit in Paris was a very close call.
If anything happens to the prince we're gonna have a real mess on our hands.
I'm taking this out of Security Department and giving it to you.
- What about the princess? - It's tricky with her.
She hates being surrounded by a guard tends to run off without telling anybody and since she's very interested in social reform in Zakir she has requested a tour of one of our schools, and not by some VIP but an average PTA mother.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Well, I suppose I could frump it up a bit and play the part.
Nope, I think Billy has someone a little frumpier in mind.
Wonderful, send her in.
I, uh, phoned Mrs.
King about helping us out with this but she said she wanted to talk to me first.
FRANCINE: Oh, getting picky about her assignments, is she? Does she realize that some of us have worked for years to be attached to this agency? - Be nice.
When am I anything but? Hello.
Am I interrupting anything? - Yes.
- No.
Come in, come in.
The house seems to be divided, so you may as well make yourself at home.
- What happened to you? - Oh, uh, nothing, really.
It's not serious.
I was demonstrating the hook slide to my Little Leaguers and I hooked the wrong way.
I didn't think it was anything but then my ankle turned this really weird color.
- Was it terribly, terribly painful? - I'm sure it was.
- Are you still able to work? - Oh.
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, sure, yes, sir.
Well, I want you to know how proud I am to work for the agency.
I think out of my entire graduating class I am the only one of us to go on and become a spy.
Of course, I suppose if there were any others I wouldn't know about it, but Well, at At any rate, sir, um Well, I'm not sure that That you realize it but sometimes these cases that I'm sent on well, they get a little dangerous and well, I was just wondering [SIGHS.]
shouldn't I know how to hit? - Excuse me? - Well, shouldn't I have certain skills you know, like self-defense, maybe know a few codes.
Amanda, surely you realize that your value to us is that of a civilian.
I don't need another agent.
Were you to become a known operative, your usefulness would be over.
Yeah, it's great you don't know anything.
Hell, the enemy could torture you for weeks and not get a thing.
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
But l I don't think staying alive would compromise my usefulness too much.
Ha, ha.
Do you? "Shouldn't I know how to hit?" Look, I may have expressed myself badly, but I think Billy got the point.
He did agree to a couple of courses.
Okay, everyone on their toes.
Here she comes.
I'm a little nervous.
I didn't really have much time to prepare for a princess.
You'll do just fine.
For this you don't have to know how to hit.
Oh, please.
Your Highness.
Your Highness, may I present Mrs.
Amanda King.
Mrs.
King, Her Royal Highness, the Princess Salana Sharese Khan.
- Hi.
AMANDA: Hi.
How do you do, Your Highness? Uh [CHUCKLES.]
It's really so kind of you to take the time to, uh, show me around.
- Are you okay? - Oh, yes.
Oh, that's nothing.
I'm fine.
It's an honor, Your Highness.
Now, uh, where would you like to begin? Ah, I'm not sure.
Why don't you, uh, lead the way? Whatever you think.
I'll leave it up to you.
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
- Shall we? AMANDA: Oh, sure, ha, ha.
I hope you're ready for this.
The kids are awfully excited about meeting you.
AMANDA: You were really a good sport about eating that cafeteria food.
Ha, ha.
Next, we are due to see an exhibit of earthworms done entirely by fourth graders.
Provided you feel like it.
You know, to tell you the truth, I am a little beat.
- Would you excuse me for a minute, please? - Sure.
Well, uh, someone's got to go in there and guard her.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Right.
Who? AMANDA: Excuse me, Your Highness? [SIGHS.]
- Is everything okay? - I'm terribly sorry, ha, ha.
Oh, no, no, don't apologize.
I get awfully tired of wearing my high heels, Your Highness.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Penelope.
That's who I am.
Uh, was.
Before I married the sun prince whose glory shines on all the land.
Ha, ha.
Quite a responsibility.
LEE: Uh Your Highness? You're being given a baby buffalo at 4:00.
This is the first time I've been back.
- You know, since I was married.
- Yeah.
Gosh, I just Didn't realize how much I missed home.
Well, there must be a lot of pressures being a princess.
Do you have any idea what it is like knowing that there are men with machine guns, ha, ha standing outside your door when you get into bed with your husband? AGENT: Someone's got to go in there.
- Who? Aw, never mind.
[AMANDA AND PENELOPE SCREAM.]
LEE: Hold it.
[LEE SIGHS.]
Well, do you happen to have any orange lip gloss? What? Amanda, Indian Bob's house looks just fine.
You have got to get ready for the embassy reception.
Oh, why did she have to invite me? I told her tonight was the neighborhood play.
She told you you'd be back in plenty of time.
It is incredible to me how you can be so blasé about hobnobbing with crowned heads.
I mean, out of 200 women, your PTA chose you.
Come on, let's look alive, missy.
Now what about this blue taffeta? - Oh, Mother, I hate the blue taffeta.
- I never should have gotten it for you.
Well Oh - Oh, sweetie.
- Mom? - Yes? - My leaves keep falling off.
Um I'll help you with them in just a minute, okay? DOTTY: Come on.
- I just want to touch this up a little.
Amanda, you have got to get your makeup on.
AMANDA: I know.
What about the lavender, then? No.
Uh-uh, that will never go with the cast.
AMANDA: Oh.
- How about the low cut black dress? Oh, Jamie, perfect.
The black dress.
Perfect.
Oh.
Well, maybe I can find a little shawl that you can use to cover up.
Okay, that's enough.
It looks just fine.
Oh, the dresses for the play, we don't need the dresses - Mom.
AMANDA: Yes, sweetie? I'm the one who's supposed to be nervous.
AMANDA: Oh, sweetheart, ha, ha.
Come here.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
LEE: Oh, my God.
Amanda, this is a closed party for a lot of high-ranking officials.
Your assignment ended at the elementary school so I'm afraid you're going to have to - No, I was invited.
GUARD: Drive on ahead.
Someone will take your car.
Thank you very much.
I'd better be going now.
LEE: Um [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
MAN: Hello.
LEE: Get down! [ALL SCREAM.]
[BOD YGUARDS YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Seal off all the exits! [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- What have you got? AGENT: Not a lot.
- Our man didn't leave much behind.
- What was the guy doing up on the roof? Company by the name of Endicott Roofing had been hired to re-tile the roof.
Guy started today.
All right, find out everything you can about the company.
Right.
LEE: Are you all right, Your Highness? [LEE SIGHS.]
When you are feeling better I'll need to ask you and your husband a few questions.
RHEZA: Darling, if you're feeling up to it we really should go and speak to our guests.
Excuse me, Your Highness, I really think Mr.
Stetson, my wife and I prefer not to be affected by these fanatics.
Our fear only encourages them.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen.
Presenting their Royal Highnesses, the prince and princess of Zakir.
[GUESTS APPLAUD.]
Well, they let you in.
Do not look at me when you talk, huh? [LEE SIGHS.]
I find it very difficult to hold a conversation like this.
You'll get used to it.
I don't want the princess to know that you're one of us.
Gee.
I'm one of us.
I know I'll regret saying that.
Can you believe they're out there just like nothing happened? Yeah, I think he's crazy, but the prince wants to keep business as usual so you'll have to keep your ear to the ground.
See if the princess is saying anything about enemies political opponents, anything.
- What if she doesn't? - Don't move.
What if she doesn't say anything? If she doesn't say anything, you'll have nothing to report.
Right.
Well, should we rendezvous later? Shall we synchronize our watches? Lee? Hello? That man has the worst manners.
Oh, Amanda.
Darling, this is Amanda King.
I'd like you to meet my husband, Prince Rheza Khan.
- Uh, hello.
RHEZA: Mrs.
King.
I'm so glad you could come.
Penelope tells me you were very kind to her today.
Oh, well, I guess even a princess can run a little low on lip gloss.
Ha, ha.
Nevertheless, I do appreciate your hospitality.
JACK: Howdy.
- Jack, how are you? JACK: Hello, Bo.
How are you? - Good to see you.
- Hi.
Hi, how are you? MAN: Hello, Bo.
- So, Tom.
So, Tom, you're looking great.
- Oh, good.
Hi.
Hi, how are you? Well, howdy, howdy, how's my favorite little princess? - Hello, Bo.
- Doesn't old Bo get a hug and a kiss? - Rheza, I'm thrilled.
- Great to see you, Bo.
Mrs.
King, may I present Bo Johnson.
Bo, Mrs.
Amanda King.
My pleasure, ma'am.
And here I thought the loveliest ladies were all down in Calvin County.
[AMANDA CHUCKLES.]
Would you ladies excuse us? We're gonna go have us a little man talk.
He nearly broke my hand.
Ha, ha.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm trying not to be a wet blanket and let, uh, attempted murder mar the occasion.
Ha, ha.
Well, I would have canceled the whole party.
But my husband doesn't believe in showing fear.
But I'll tell you something, Amanda, I'm afraid.
Is Bo Johnson an old family friend? Bo Johnson is the, uh, star of B Westerns who Yeah.
- Got involved in the oil business years ago.
He and Rheza's father were very close friends and he became the first American permitted to drill for oil in Zakir.
- Oh.
- On very favorable terms, I might add.
Well.
The prince seems very fond of him.
He adores him.
Bo Johnson is worth $50 million and getting richer every day.
All from drilling oil in Zakir.
Rheza looks up to him like a father.
That's nice.
He's a snake.
Now, Rheza, you can tell me this is none of my business if you want to.
But things like this afternoon wouldn't keep happening if you hadn't gotten so controversial in the last two years Bo, please.
I know, I know, an old cowboy like me is behind the times.
But when I was growing up in Texas our women kept a bit in their mouth and plowed a straight furrow.
Bo, Penelope is an intelligent woman.
I wanted to marry an intelligent woman.
I cannot ask her to stop thinking or talking.
Well, then maybe you could do a little less listening.
I mean, everybody knows she influences you, Rheza.
Hell, I just read in the Inquirer today where she doesn't want you to renew my oil leases.
Now, my old widowed aunt sets a lot of store by the Inquirer.
The world is changing, Bo.
My people want ownership of their resources.
And a share in the profits.
Now, Penny feels very strongly about this.
Why can't Penny be more like your mama? Aah.
My mother would stay locked in her room all day with five portable radios.
And a happy woman she was too.
[SIGHS.]
Bo, Penelope and I are having a difficult time just now.
I cannot order her not to be herself.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
Ahem.
Bo, this is the fellow I was telling you about.
One of the agency's top men.
So you're the crack agent that's protecting the royal couple, are you? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Um, have you seen the princess, Your Highness? No.
Why? She seems to be missing.
PHILIP: Look at this strange golden fruit.
BO Y: We Indians call it corn.
PHILIP: Corn? PARENTS: Ha-ha-ha.
We invite you to share this feast of Thanksgiving with us.
Didn't you tell somebody where you were going? [SIGHS.]
They make such a fuss whenever I want to go anyplace.
I had to get away from them.
PHILIP: My wife is making dinner rolls.
- Oh, Look.
See the little tree on the left? That's my son Jamie.
He's 8.
Let us live in peace as As [WHISPERS.]
Brothers.
The Pilgrim's my other son, Philip.
Please accept this food.
[MEN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[PARENTS GASP.]
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
I'm really sorry, Amanda.
I am.
Well [PHONE RINGS.]
Yeah, hello.
WOMAN [O VER PHONE.]
: Mr.
Willis Parker is trying to contact you.
- May we patch him through? - Okay.
PARKER [O VER PHONE.]
: Is this Stetson? - Yeah.
I've gotta talk to you.
Meet me in the old canner's warehouse.
LEE: Where's that? Come in through the alley behind the Mercantile building.
Aah.
I don't go to meetings, Mr.
Parker, unless I know the topic.
I, uh I know who tried to pull off that assassination yesterday.
- Yeah, go on.
PARKER: Nothing more until I see you.
I need protection.
You don't know these people.
Well, Mr.
Parker, don't panic, all right? Now, I want you to meet You just be in that alley, Stetson.
That's all I can say for now.
Mr.
Parker [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
Hello? Listen, I'm really sorry about last night but she wanted to come to that play.
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
What could I do? At least we had some time alone so we could really talk.
- What have you got? - I told you everything over the telephone.
I cannot arrest a man for being a snake.
I'm sorry, I wish she said he was a smuggler, she didn't.
She said he was a snake.
Gosh, do you have any idea how hard it is spying on this poor woman? She thinks I'm her friend.
She's afraid she's losing her husband, and you know what? She's so Ionely, she's invited me to go to Bo Johnson's ranch for the weekend Wait, hold it.
That's good.
That's very good.
- No, I think it's just awful.
- You're going.
- I can't.
- Why not? Jamie has Little League, Philip's got a party I'm allergic to horses - Aah.
and besides, I have a real sick dieffenbachia.
Amanda, you are in a unique position to provide us with the information we need.
- I don't like spying on friends.
- All right.
All right.
And I know, being the princess's friend you want her to be happy.
- Yes.
Which would be difficult were she to become widowed living with strangers.
- Oh, really.
Do you know what happens to princesses when their husbands are shot? They send them places.
Ever hear of Devil's Island? - Yes.
- I rest my case.
- Okay, okay, I'll buy some allergy pills.
- Good, good.
You'll be fine, believe me.
I know, I'll be fine.
I'll be just fine.
Hey, wait a minute, where are you going? Huh? Oh, we may have finally got a break in this case.
Some guy named Willis Parker called the office, scared to death.
Has something to say.
I meet him in 20 minutes.
Uh, look, if he says enough, then I don't have to go to Bo Johnson's ranch, right? Wrong.
Just go.
My dieffenbachia plant dies, you're gonna feel very guilty.
LEE: Mr.
Parker.
Mr.
Parker.
Ow.
[GRUNTING.]
Mr.
Parker, are you in there? Uh, some, uh Some more tea, Your Highness? PENELOPE: Oh, please, let's just keep it Penelope, okay? Ha, ha.
DOTTY: Oh, ha, ha.
I can't tell you how strange it is to have my own people call me "Your Highness.
" Well, I know exactly how you feel.
It's not totally the same thing but when I was made Homecoming Queen I always felt that my little velour cape and my little crown kind of set me apart from the other students.
Ha, ha.
I hope I got the right things.
You're gonna have a wonderful time.
It'll be great.
Oh, when Amanda told me that she was spending the weekend at Bo Johnson's farm I just couldn't believe it.
I mean, I can remember seeing him in a two-reeler Western in 19 Ha, ha.
Never mind.
Make sure the boys behave themselves this weekend, all right? Amanda, if you should just happen to To walk by Bo Johnson and he should just be standing with time on his hands and a ballpoint pen - Yes, Mother, I'll get his autograph.
- Yeah.
Well, just something simple like, "To my friend, Amanda.
" - "Amanda"? "To my friend, Dotty.
" - I'll tell him.
[DOTTY AND PENELOPE CHUCKLE.]
DOTTY: "With best wishes.
And a big Texas howdy!" Ha, ha.
- And remember, it's D-O-T-T-Y - Yes, Mother.
DOTTY & AMANDA: Not l-E.
AMANDA: I know.
DOTTY: Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, Earl! EARL: Hey, there, Mr.
Johnson.
What's up? Watch this.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
EARL: Boy, that's a nasty drop.
BO: Yeah.
A lot of royal blood could get spilled down there.
See the papers? It took four engine companies to put out that fire.
That darn fool Parker.
He brought it on himself the minute he picked up that phone.
Yeah, well.
I reckon when he missed his target at the embassy figured the feds would go easier on him than we would.
You know, Earl, I never could stomach disloyalty in a man, could you? [BAND SINGING BREWSTER HIGLEY'S "HOME ON THE RANGE".]
- My chili's better.
- What? Do not look at me.
Pretend to be doing something else.
Right.
- What are you doing? - Eating.
- Eating? - Mm-hm.
How did your meeting with Mr.
Parker go? Mr.
Parker's no longer with us.
All that's left is his cowboy boots.
Oh, my gosh.
- How are you doing? AMANDA: I'm doing okay.
Her husband's been with us most of the time, so she's been pretty quiet.
Who's ever behind this isn't fooling around, so watch yourself.
Ten-four.
My chili's better.
He's kind of cute.
- Who? - That agent, Mr.
Stetson.
- The one in charge of security.
- Oh, him.
Yeah, him.
Yeah, I notice he doesn't have a wedding ring on.
Oh, no.
No, I could never get involved with anybody in that line of work.
That's That's too dangerous.
Sometimes dangerous can be fun.
Sometimes dangerous can be dangerous.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want some appreciation, damn it.
I spent the entire evening with an IRS man.
Do you have to give me the gory details of how you got the information? Yes, I do.
First, we went to a tiny little restaurant with imitation wood tables and no wine list to speak of and then he suggested that we go back to his condo.
Oh, come on, it's not like you've never done that before.
Not to music, I haven't.
Rudolph claims he knows everything about Endicott.
He handled their audit a few years back.
Guess who owns Endicott Roofing Company? Johnson Oil.
- It's owned by who? FRANCINE: Johnson Oil.
I did some checking on it and I found out that they got the embassy job by bidding really low.
Oh, by the way, what did Recon get on that photo I took at the embassy? - You know, the guy with his back turned? - Unfortunately, not too much.
Uh, it does appear that he's looking up at the roof of the embassy and, uh, let me see.
Uh, he's tall, looks like he has a little bit of dandruff and he's wearing cowboy boots.
- He's wearing what? FRANCINE: Cowboy boots.
Good luck.
Bye.
- Was that Lee you were talking to? - Aah.
Yeah.
- Listen, Billy.
- Uh-huh? Would you mind explaining one tiny little inequity to me? What's that? Well, it just seems that while I, the seasoned professional am here, digging through files socializing with the IRS, Amanda, the rookie is out whooping it up with royalty, ex-movie stars, and Lee Stetson.
Heh, I mean, I'm asking you, who do you know that is better at mingling with and flattering the idle rich than I am? - No one.
Aha.
So you can explain the situation to me? Certainly.
That's the way life is.
[SIGHS.]
Why do I even ask these questions? [SINGING "GIT ALONG LITTLE DOGIES".]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
[WHOOPING.]
BO: Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, I appreciate it.
And welcome.
Welcome once again to the sweetest little ranch on the Atlantic side of Texas.
[GUESTS LAUGH.]
Most of y'all know that the prince's father, Nessim Ahmed Khan was a very dear friend of mine.
He was a great man.
And a great leader of his people.
And as a token of my esteem for the royal couple I want to present the princess with a little something from the very bottom of my heart.
[GUITAR STRUMMING DRAMATICALLY.]
[HOOF BEATS APPRO ACHING.]
[GUESTS CHEER.]
PENELOPE: Rheza has been meeting with Bo for two hours now.
And I know what Bo's up to.
That man will go to any length to close that deal.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy the honeysuckle in the moonlight? You know, when Rheza and I were first married we were inseparable.
I think we scandalized the country.
Now, oh, so much of his day is spent with With meetings and crises and we argue all the time.
Mostly about Bo and that oil lease.
Oh, I don't know.
Amanda, I don't know, maybe that's not even the issue at all.
Maybe it's not.
Maybe if you could stop being the prince and the princess and just be Penelope and Rheza once in a while, maybe be alone.
Maybe that would help.
When When I was married and things weren't going so well, I had this, um - What? sexy nightgown.
- Did you really? - Yeah.
My ex-husband liked it, so when things weren't going so well, I'd put it on.
And he had this, uh, concoction, this hot mulled wine he'd make it and he would bring it to bed then things would just kind of get better.
Oh, Amanda, do you know, I didn't even think to pack a sexy nightgown? It could be better without the sexy nightgown.
[PENELOPE LAUGHS.]
Uh, oh.
Ha, ha.
Oh-ho.
- This is not an oh-ho.
- Oh.
Uh-uh.
No, no.
No.
L I don't know what that man wants.
- No? - No.
Does, uh, "honeysuckle and moonlight" ring a bell? Oh, you have a vivid imagination.
Amanda, it looks like the only fun that I'm going to have this weekend is hearing about the fun that you are having this weekend.
Oh, no.
So why don't you please just get started and I'll start having some, huh? I am going to bed.
Just wait a few discreet moments and, tsk, give her the gas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good night.
Does Princess Di talk like that? [TAPPING ON WINDOW.]
Oh, come in.
Hi.
- I thought I was supposed to be undercover.
- You are.
[SIGHS.]
Why? Is anything wrong? Oh, no, no, that was a very subtle performance you gave at the window.
She thinks we're having an oh-ho-ho.
- A what? - You heard me.
She thinks you're cute.
- I am cute.
- Not that cute.
Listen to this.
Whoever tried to kill the prince the other day was supposedly working for Endicott Roofing.
Making repairs at the embassy? - Hmm? - Yeah.
Well, Endicott got the job by bidding incredibly low.
Well, Endicott is a tax-Ioss company, owned by a company that's owned by a company that's owned by guess who? Johnson Oil.
- Johnson? As in Bo Johnson? - Yes, ma'am.
Oh, boy.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what did you come up with? Well, um, the princess is trying to convince the prince not to renew Bo's oil lease.
See, uh, Bo's putting on a lot of pressure, though.
Seems like everything is not the way that it seems that it is here.
Bo's not doing all that well.
Most of the wells that he's drilled recently have come up dry.
[O VER RADIO.]
The princess doesn't think it would be in the interest of the country to renew.
You know what? She doesn't like Bo Johnson at all.
BO: Earl? You're sure that cliff's gonna give way when that horse runs onto it? Yeah, that ought to do it, Mr.
Johnson.
That ledge'll never support a horse's weight now.
I sure hate to lose a beautiful horse like that Arabian but it'll be worth it if I can shut that little Penelope Squire's mouth once and for all.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Let's get on back to the ranch.
BO: Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
AMANDA: Good morning.
How y'all doing? My, my, but that's a mighty handsome horse you got there, princess.
Yeah.
He's beautiful, Bo.
He's a high-spirited animal.
You be careful, you hear? I've been riding since I was 6 years old.
I think I can handle the horse.
You sure you won't come with me? Oh, no, l I really better not.
I have an allergy, and, you know, with this cast.
Oh, that's a shame Mrs.
King can't go with you because that'd save Mr.
Stetson from worrying about security.
I beg your pardon? You mean the princess doesn't know? Doesn't know what? That you're a G-man.
Or shouldn't I say, G-lady? Eh, I mean, you do work for Mr.
Stetson, don't you? You see, my foreman, Earl, just happened to be outside your window digging for night crawlers while you and Mr.
Stetson were powwowing.
I thought you came here as my friend.
Apparently, you were just doing your job.
- No - I hope they're paying you well.
Penny! - I am not a G-man.
- Oh, I never contradict a lady.
Have a pleasant day.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi.
MAN: Can I help you? Uh, I promised my little boy Timmy I'd tell him about a real ranch.
He's just crazy about cowboys, you know? Uh, he'd sure love this hat.
Does it belong to the guy in this bunk? MAN: That's right.
Hello.
Do you have a horse that I could borrow, please? Well, I just grained all the horses, ma'am.
[HORSE NEIGHING.]
- Yes? - Well, all except El Diablo here.
Oh, he looks like a nice one.
You sure you can ride with that leg like that? Oh, sure, I'll be fine.
Yeah, just fine.
El Diablo's kind of a spirited horse.
LEE: Looks like Mr.
Parker has a dandruff problem.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, that'll happen to you in this dry weather.
You suppose I could talk to him about buying this hat? MAN: Willis Parker ain't here no more.
- Is he ready? MAN: Ready.
Oh, okay.
Good boy.
- Can I help you? - No, that's all right.
I'm fine, thank you very much.
Ouch.
Could you give me a leg up there, please? One, two, three.
Here we go.
Whoa.
No, it's all right.
I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
[AMANDA GRUNTS.]
MAN: I got you.
Come on.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Which way did the princess go? - That way, ma'am.
- Yeah, okay.
- Just bring him along this way, ma'am.
- This way.
Try digging your heels into the horse's flanks.
- Yeah, okay.
- Gently.
[AMANDA GRUNTING.]
You were saying that you don't have roundups here in Virginia.
You guys must still have some of those cowboy skills, right? Well, yeah, I guess you could say that.
Like branding.
You could rope a steer if you had to, I'll bet.
Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
And shooting.
This Mr.
Parker here any kind of a shot? Yeah, Willis Parker is a hell of a good shot.
I gotta get going, mister.
Look, I'd put that hat back where I found it.
Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[LEE GRUNTS.]
[AMANDA SCREAMING.]
Amanda? Amanda, hang on.
I'm coming! Hold on to the rein.
AMANDA: Whoa, whoa.
AMANDA: Ugh.
- Are you all right? Okay.
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
Oh, thank you.
- You could have gotten killed on that horse.
- Well, he was the only one available.
- That was close.
- And I had to explain.
Are you telling me you got on that horse just in order to explain? Well, I thought it was like driving a car and about last night, I just want you to keep an open mind.
Sure.
- Hold it very still.
- Of course.
- It's okay.
- Hold the horse.
It's okay.
It was Willis Parker who fired those shots, wasn't it, Johnson? Now Parker's dead.
BO: I hope you forgive me, Mr.
Stetson but, uh, I don't think you're really in any position to be asking the questions.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go see a man about a horse.
Earl we'II, uh, take care of Mr.
Stetson and Ms.
King when I get back.
Oh.
Kind of ironic, you know? You spending all that energy to protect the prince when, uh, I can assure you, he was never in any danger at all.
So when Bo Johnson accused me of spying, I felt just awful because I'm not the kind of person who spies on friends.
The relationship with Mr.
Stetson was awful hard to explain.
It's really very secretive.
My family doesn't even know about it.
In public, when he talks to me, he won't look at me.
Looks straight ahead, won't even look at me.
- Well, about last night - Amanda, you can stop.
- I can? - Yes, I believe you.
- You do? - Yes, and I understand.
- Oh, good.
- Look, let's get you back.
- Um, you can ride my horse.
- No, no, l I can't ride any horse.
Yes, you can.
He's very gentle, he won't give you any trouble at all.
- His hair.
- Amanda, please.
Let's just not talk about it anymore, okay? - Okay.
- I can see it's very difficult for you.
AMANDA: Whoa.
[PENELOPE CHUCKLES.]
I tell you, I just feel a little silly, that's all.
I mean, here I am encouraging you to, uh, get something going with Mr.
Stetson.
- You've been having an affair all along.
- Huh? You're not gonna get away with this.
The prince's security people are gonna ask questions.
Just a little horseback-riding accident.
Yeah.
But the princess is an experienced rider.
Not on that white stallion, she ain't.
He's a killer.
PENELOPE: Okay, can you handle that now? See? You're doing great.
Good.
Good, just keep it up.
Yeah.
And whose fault is it if that ledge just happens to give way? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[LEE SCREAMS.]
AMANDA: This is better.
[AMANDA CHUCKLES.]
[HOOF BEATS NEARBY.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS AND HORSE NEIGHING.]
AMANDA: Whoa! Whoa! PENELOPE: Amanda, hold on.
Just hang on.
I'm coming.
Just don't let go.
Whoa! Horse, whoa! [LEE GRUNTS.]
[NEIGHS.]
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
PENELOPE: That was close.
That was just too close.
[AMANDA GASPS.]
- It just Just - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You were right.
You and horses don't get along.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Oh, well, I don't know, it wasn't so bad.
I didn't sneeze once.
Here.
No, you here.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Well, now that this is all over maybe Rheza and I can have a real vacation.
Yeah.
Um, I think the prince will enjoy Disney World.
- Listen, make sure you write, okay? - I will.
I'm dying to find out how things, uh, turn out between you and Mr.
Stetson.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- It's not what you think.
- Oh, sure.
Ha, ha.
- Now, you take care of yourself.
- You too.
All right.
Bye.
- So she said I was cute.
- She was under a lot of pressure.
Amanda, when you're undercover, it is not good procedure to look at me until the assignment is officially over.
Does the, uh, princess know you're working with us? No, but I had to have a reason you were outside my window last night.
LEE: What you come up with? - I didn't come up with anything, she did.
Okay, what did she come up with? She thinks we're having a thing.
A thing? Eyes straight ahead, Scarecrow.
Wives of Zakirese leaders usually do very little talking but the princess has very strong opinions particularly on the subject of oil rights in Zakir.
And here's the royal couple, Prince Rheza Khan and his lovely princess the former Miss Penelope Squire of Fallsburg, New Hampshire.
It's the first time she's been back in the states since she married him in 1979.
I could have married royalty.
A prince actually proposed to me once.
- Why didn't you accept? - His country was too small.
LEE: They're a little tired from their trip.
The demonstrators were part of the Pan-Arab Unity League.
We have files on most of them.
- Who are they? - Eh, just being thorough, Billy.
Notice the guy has his back to the action? That's kind of strange, isn't it? Run that through the Photorecon lab and see if they can pull anything.
No sense taking any chances.
The attempted hit in Paris was a very close call.
If anything happens to the prince we're gonna have a real mess on our hands.
I'm taking this out of Security Department and giving it to you.
- What about the princess? - It's tricky with her.
She hates being surrounded by a guard tends to run off without telling anybody and since she's very interested in social reform in Zakir she has requested a tour of one of our schools, and not by some VIP but an average PTA mother.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Well, I suppose I could frump it up a bit and play the part.
Nope, I think Billy has someone a little frumpier in mind.
Wonderful, send her in.
I, uh, phoned Mrs.
King about helping us out with this but she said she wanted to talk to me first.
FRANCINE: Oh, getting picky about her assignments, is she? Does she realize that some of us have worked for years to be attached to this agency? - Be nice.
When am I anything but? Hello.
Am I interrupting anything? - Yes.
- No.
Come in, come in.
The house seems to be divided, so you may as well make yourself at home.
- What happened to you? - Oh, uh, nothing, really.
It's not serious.
I was demonstrating the hook slide to my Little Leaguers and I hooked the wrong way.
I didn't think it was anything but then my ankle turned this really weird color.
- Was it terribly, terribly painful? - I'm sure it was.
- Are you still able to work? - Oh.
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, sure, yes, sir.
Well, I want you to know how proud I am to work for the agency.
I think out of my entire graduating class I am the only one of us to go on and become a spy.
Of course, I suppose if there were any others I wouldn't know about it, but Well, at At any rate, sir, um Well, I'm not sure that That you realize it but sometimes these cases that I'm sent on well, they get a little dangerous and well, I was just wondering [SIGHS.]
shouldn't I know how to hit? - Excuse me? - Well, shouldn't I have certain skills you know, like self-defense, maybe know a few codes.
Amanda, surely you realize that your value to us is that of a civilian.
I don't need another agent.
Were you to become a known operative, your usefulness would be over.
Yeah, it's great you don't know anything.
Hell, the enemy could torture you for weeks and not get a thing.
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
But l I don't think staying alive would compromise my usefulness too much.
Ha, ha.
Do you? "Shouldn't I know how to hit?" Look, I may have expressed myself badly, but I think Billy got the point.
He did agree to a couple of courses.
Okay, everyone on their toes.
Here she comes.
I'm a little nervous.
I didn't really have much time to prepare for a princess.
You'll do just fine.
For this you don't have to know how to hit.
Oh, please.
Your Highness.
Your Highness, may I present Mrs.
Amanda King.
Mrs.
King, Her Royal Highness, the Princess Salana Sharese Khan.
- Hi.
AMANDA: Hi.
How do you do, Your Highness? Uh [CHUCKLES.]
It's really so kind of you to take the time to, uh, show me around.
- Are you okay? - Oh, yes.
Oh, that's nothing.
I'm fine.
It's an honor, Your Highness.
Now, uh, where would you like to begin? Ah, I'm not sure.
Why don't you, uh, lead the way? Whatever you think.
I'll leave it up to you.
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
- Shall we? AMANDA: Oh, sure, ha, ha.
I hope you're ready for this.
The kids are awfully excited about meeting you.
AMANDA: You were really a good sport about eating that cafeteria food.
Ha, ha.
Next, we are due to see an exhibit of earthworms done entirely by fourth graders.
Provided you feel like it.
You know, to tell you the truth, I am a little beat.
- Would you excuse me for a minute, please? - Sure.
Well, uh, someone's got to go in there and guard her.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Right.
Who? AMANDA: Excuse me, Your Highness? [SIGHS.]
- Is everything okay? - I'm terribly sorry, ha, ha.
Oh, no, no, don't apologize.
I get awfully tired of wearing my high heels, Your Highness.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Penelope.
That's who I am.
Uh, was.
Before I married the sun prince whose glory shines on all the land.
Ha, ha.
Quite a responsibility.
LEE: Uh Your Highness? You're being given a baby buffalo at 4:00.
This is the first time I've been back.
- You know, since I was married.
- Yeah.
Gosh, I just Didn't realize how much I missed home.
Well, there must be a lot of pressures being a princess.
Do you have any idea what it is like knowing that there are men with machine guns, ha, ha standing outside your door when you get into bed with your husband? AGENT: Someone's got to go in there.
- Who? Aw, never mind.
[AMANDA AND PENELOPE SCREAM.]
LEE: Hold it.
[LEE SIGHS.]
Well, do you happen to have any orange lip gloss? What? Amanda, Indian Bob's house looks just fine.
You have got to get ready for the embassy reception.
Oh, why did she have to invite me? I told her tonight was the neighborhood play.
She told you you'd be back in plenty of time.
It is incredible to me how you can be so blasé about hobnobbing with crowned heads.
I mean, out of 200 women, your PTA chose you.
Come on, let's look alive, missy.
Now what about this blue taffeta? - Oh, Mother, I hate the blue taffeta.
- I never should have gotten it for you.
Well Oh - Oh, sweetie.
- Mom? - Yes? - My leaves keep falling off.
Um I'll help you with them in just a minute, okay? DOTTY: Come on.
- I just want to touch this up a little.
Amanda, you have got to get your makeup on.
AMANDA: I know.
What about the lavender, then? No.
Uh-uh, that will never go with the cast.
AMANDA: Oh.
- How about the low cut black dress? Oh, Jamie, perfect.
The black dress.
Perfect.
Oh.
Well, maybe I can find a little shawl that you can use to cover up.
Okay, that's enough.
It looks just fine.
Oh, the dresses for the play, we don't need the dresses - Mom.
AMANDA: Yes, sweetie? I'm the one who's supposed to be nervous.
AMANDA: Oh, sweetheart, ha, ha.
Come here.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
LEE: Oh, my God.
Amanda, this is a closed party for a lot of high-ranking officials.
Your assignment ended at the elementary school so I'm afraid you're going to have to - No, I was invited.
GUARD: Drive on ahead.
Someone will take your car.
Thank you very much.
I'd better be going now.
LEE: Um [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
MAN: Hello.
LEE: Get down! [ALL SCREAM.]
[BOD YGUARDS YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Seal off all the exits! [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- What have you got? AGENT: Not a lot.
- Our man didn't leave much behind.
- What was the guy doing up on the roof? Company by the name of Endicott Roofing had been hired to re-tile the roof.
Guy started today.
All right, find out everything you can about the company.
Right.
LEE: Are you all right, Your Highness? [LEE SIGHS.]
When you are feeling better I'll need to ask you and your husband a few questions.
RHEZA: Darling, if you're feeling up to it we really should go and speak to our guests.
Excuse me, Your Highness, I really think Mr.
Stetson, my wife and I prefer not to be affected by these fanatics.
Our fear only encourages them.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen.
Presenting their Royal Highnesses, the prince and princess of Zakir.
[GUESTS APPLAUD.]
Well, they let you in.
Do not look at me when you talk, huh? [LEE SIGHS.]
I find it very difficult to hold a conversation like this.
You'll get used to it.
I don't want the princess to know that you're one of us.
Gee.
I'm one of us.
I know I'll regret saying that.
Can you believe they're out there just like nothing happened? Yeah, I think he's crazy, but the prince wants to keep business as usual so you'll have to keep your ear to the ground.
See if the princess is saying anything about enemies political opponents, anything.
- What if she doesn't? - Don't move.
What if she doesn't say anything? If she doesn't say anything, you'll have nothing to report.
Right.
Well, should we rendezvous later? Shall we synchronize our watches? Lee? Hello? That man has the worst manners.
Oh, Amanda.
Darling, this is Amanda King.
I'd like you to meet my husband, Prince Rheza Khan.
- Uh, hello.
RHEZA: Mrs.
King.
I'm so glad you could come.
Penelope tells me you were very kind to her today.
Oh, well, I guess even a princess can run a little low on lip gloss.
Ha, ha.
Nevertheless, I do appreciate your hospitality.
JACK: Howdy.
- Jack, how are you? JACK: Hello, Bo.
How are you? - Good to see you.
- Hi.
Hi, how are you? MAN: Hello, Bo.
- So, Tom.
So, Tom, you're looking great.
- Oh, good.
Hi.
Hi, how are you? Well, howdy, howdy, how's my favorite little princess? - Hello, Bo.
- Doesn't old Bo get a hug and a kiss? - Rheza, I'm thrilled.
- Great to see you, Bo.
Mrs.
King, may I present Bo Johnson.
Bo, Mrs.
Amanda King.
My pleasure, ma'am.
And here I thought the loveliest ladies were all down in Calvin County.
[AMANDA CHUCKLES.]
Would you ladies excuse us? We're gonna go have us a little man talk.
He nearly broke my hand.
Ha, ha.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm trying not to be a wet blanket and let, uh, attempted murder mar the occasion.
Ha, ha.
Well, I would have canceled the whole party.
But my husband doesn't believe in showing fear.
But I'll tell you something, Amanda, I'm afraid.
Is Bo Johnson an old family friend? Bo Johnson is the, uh, star of B Westerns who Yeah.
- Got involved in the oil business years ago.
He and Rheza's father were very close friends and he became the first American permitted to drill for oil in Zakir.
- Oh.
- On very favorable terms, I might add.
Well.
The prince seems very fond of him.
He adores him.
Bo Johnson is worth $50 million and getting richer every day.
All from drilling oil in Zakir.
Rheza looks up to him like a father.
That's nice.
He's a snake.
Now, Rheza, you can tell me this is none of my business if you want to.
But things like this afternoon wouldn't keep happening if you hadn't gotten so controversial in the last two years Bo, please.
I know, I know, an old cowboy like me is behind the times.
But when I was growing up in Texas our women kept a bit in their mouth and plowed a straight furrow.
Bo, Penelope is an intelligent woman.
I wanted to marry an intelligent woman.
I cannot ask her to stop thinking or talking.
Well, then maybe you could do a little less listening.
I mean, everybody knows she influences you, Rheza.
Hell, I just read in the Inquirer today where she doesn't want you to renew my oil leases.
Now, my old widowed aunt sets a lot of store by the Inquirer.
The world is changing, Bo.
My people want ownership of their resources.
And a share in the profits.
Now, Penny feels very strongly about this.
Why can't Penny be more like your mama? Aah.
My mother would stay locked in her room all day with five portable radios.
And a happy woman she was too.
[SIGHS.]
Bo, Penelope and I are having a difficult time just now.
I cannot order her not to be herself.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
Ahem.
Bo, this is the fellow I was telling you about.
One of the agency's top men.
So you're the crack agent that's protecting the royal couple, are you? [SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Um, have you seen the princess, Your Highness? No.
Why? She seems to be missing.
PHILIP: Look at this strange golden fruit.
BO Y: We Indians call it corn.
PHILIP: Corn? PARENTS: Ha-ha-ha.
We invite you to share this feast of Thanksgiving with us.
Didn't you tell somebody where you were going? [SIGHS.]
They make such a fuss whenever I want to go anyplace.
I had to get away from them.
PHILIP: My wife is making dinner rolls.
- Oh, Look.
See the little tree on the left? That's my son Jamie.
He's 8.
Let us live in peace as As [WHISPERS.]
Brothers.
The Pilgrim's my other son, Philip.
Please accept this food.
[MEN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[PARENTS GASP.]
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
I'm really sorry, Amanda.
I am.
Well [PHONE RINGS.]
Yeah, hello.
WOMAN [O VER PHONE.]
: Mr.
Willis Parker is trying to contact you.
- May we patch him through? - Okay.
PARKER [O VER PHONE.]
: Is this Stetson? - Yeah.
I've gotta talk to you.
Meet me in the old canner's warehouse.
LEE: Where's that? Come in through the alley behind the Mercantile building.
Aah.
I don't go to meetings, Mr.
Parker, unless I know the topic.
I, uh I know who tried to pull off that assassination yesterday.
- Yeah, go on.
PARKER: Nothing more until I see you.
I need protection.
You don't know these people.
Well, Mr.
Parker, don't panic, all right? Now, I want you to meet You just be in that alley, Stetson.
That's all I can say for now.
Mr.
Parker [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
Hello? Listen, I'm really sorry about last night but she wanted to come to that play.
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
What could I do? At least we had some time alone so we could really talk.
- What have you got? - I told you everything over the telephone.
I cannot arrest a man for being a snake.
I'm sorry, I wish she said he was a smuggler, she didn't.
She said he was a snake.
Gosh, do you have any idea how hard it is spying on this poor woman? She thinks I'm her friend.
She's afraid she's losing her husband, and you know what? She's so Ionely, she's invited me to go to Bo Johnson's ranch for the weekend Wait, hold it.
That's good.
That's very good.
- No, I think it's just awful.
- You're going.
- I can't.
- Why not? Jamie has Little League, Philip's got a party I'm allergic to horses - Aah.
and besides, I have a real sick dieffenbachia.
Amanda, you are in a unique position to provide us with the information we need.
- I don't like spying on friends.
- All right.
All right.
And I know, being the princess's friend you want her to be happy.
- Yes.
Which would be difficult were she to become widowed living with strangers.
- Oh, really.
Do you know what happens to princesses when their husbands are shot? They send them places.
Ever hear of Devil's Island? - Yes.
- I rest my case.
- Okay, okay, I'll buy some allergy pills.
- Good, good.
You'll be fine, believe me.
I know, I'll be fine.
I'll be just fine.
Hey, wait a minute, where are you going? Huh? Oh, we may have finally got a break in this case.
Some guy named Willis Parker called the office, scared to death.
Has something to say.
I meet him in 20 minutes.
Uh, look, if he says enough, then I don't have to go to Bo Johnson's ranch, right? Wrong.
Just go.
My dieffenbachia plant dies, you're gonna feel very guilty.
LEE: Mr.
Parker.
Mr.
Parker.
Ow.
[GRUNTING.]
Mr.
Parker, are you in there? Uh, some, uh Some more tea, Your Highness? PENELOPE: Oh, please, let's just keep it Penelope, okay? Ha, ha.
DOTTY: Oh, ha, ha.
I can't tell you how strange it is to have my own people call me "Your Highness.
" Well, I know exactly how you feel.
It's not totally the same thing but when I was made Homecoming Queen I always felt that my little velour cape and my little crown kind of set me apart from the other students.
Ha, ha.
I hope I got the right things.
You're gonna have a wonderful time.
It'll be great.
Oh, when Amanda told me that she was spending the weekend at Bo Johnson's farm I just couldn't believe it.
I mean, I can remember seeing him in a two-reeler Western in 19 Ha, ha.
Never mind.
Make sure the boys behave themselves this weekend, all right? Amanda, if you should just happen to To walk by Bo Johnson and he should just be standing with time on his hands and a ballpoint pen - Yes, Mother, I'll get his autograph.
- Yeah.
Well, just something simple like, "To my friend, Amanda.
" - "Amanda"? "To my friend, Dotty.
" - I'll tell him.
[DOTTY AND PENELOPE CHUCKLE.]
DOTTY: "With best wishes.
And a big Texas howdy!" Ha, ha.
- And remember, it's D-O-T-T-Y - Yes, Mother.
DOTTY & AMANDA: Not l-E.
AMANDA: I know.
DOTTY: Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, Earl! EARL: Hey, there, Mr.
Johnson.
What's up? Watch this.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
[HORSE NEIGHS.]
EARL: Boy, that's a nasty drop.
BO: Yeah.
A lot of royal blood could get spilled down there.
See the papers? It took four engine companies to put out that fire.
That darn fool Parker.
He brought it on himself the minute he picked up that phone.
Yeah, well.
I reckon when he missed his target at the embassy figured the feds would go easier on him than we would.
You know, Earl, I never could stomach disloyalty in a man, could you? [BAND SINGING BREWSTER HIGLEY'S "HOME ON THE RANGE".]
- My chili's better.
- What? Do not look at me.
Pretend to be doing something else.
Right.
- What are you doing? - Eating.
- Eating? - Mm-hm.
How did your meeting with Mr.
Parker go? Mr.
Parker's no longer with us.
All that's left is his cowboy boots.
Oh, my gosh.
- How are you doing? AMANDA: I'm doing okay.
Her husband's been with us most of the time, so she's been pretty quiet.
Who's ever behind this isn't fooling around, so watch yourself.
Ten-four.
My chili's better.
He's kind of cute.
- Who? - That agent, Mr.
Stetson.
- The one in charge of security.
- Oh, him.
Yeah, him.
Yeah, I notice he doesn't have a wedding ring on.
Oh, no.
No, I could never get involved with anybody in that line of work.
That's That's too dangerous.
Sometimes dangerous can be fun.
Sometimes dangerous can be dangerous.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want some appreciation, damn it.
I spent the entire evening with an IRS man.
Do you have to give me the gory details of how you got the information? Yes, I do.
First, we went to a tiny little restaurant with imitation wood tables and no wine list to speak of and then he suggested that we go back to his condo.
Oh, come on, it's not like you've never done that before.
Not to music, I haven't.
Rudolph claims he knows everything about Endicott.
He handled their audit a few years back.
Guess who owns Endicott Roofing Company? Johnson Oil.
- It's owned by who? FRANCINE: Johnson Oil.
I did some checking on it and I found out that they got the embassy job by bidding really low.
Oh, by the way, what did Recon get on that photo I took at the embassy? - You know, the guy with his back turned? - Unfortunately, not too much.
Uh, it does appear that he's looking up at the roof of the embassy and, uh, let me see.
Uh, he's tall, looks like he has a little bit of dandruff and he's wearing cowboy boots.
- He's wearing what? FRANCINE: Cowboy boots.
Good luck.
Bye.
- Was that Lee you were talking to? - Aah.
Yeah.
- Listen, Billy.
- Uh-huh? Would you mind explaining one tiny little inequity to me? What's that? Well, it just seems that while I, the seasoned professional am here, digging through files socializing with the IRS, Amanda, the rookie is out whooping it up with royalty, ex-movie stars, and Lee Stetson.
Heh, I mean, I'm asking you, who do you know that is better at mingling with and flattering the idle rich than I am? - No one.
Aha.
So you can explain the situation to me? Certainly.
That's the way life is.
[SIGHS.]
Why do I even ask these questions? [SINGING "GIT ALONG LITTLE DOGIES".]
[CROWD CHEERS.]
[WHOOPING.]
BO: Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, I appreciate it.
And welcome.
Welcome once again to the sweetest little ranch on the Atlantic side of Texas.
[GUESTS LAUGH.]
Most of y'all know that the prince's father, Nessim Ahmed Khan was a very dear friend of mine.
He was a great man.
And a great leader of his people.
And as a token of my esteem for the royal couple I want to present the princess with a little something from the very bottom of my heart.
[GUITAR STRUMMING DRAMATICALLY.]
[HOOF BEATS APPRO ACHING.]
[GUESTS CHEER.]
PENELOPE: Rheza has been meeting with Bo for two hours now.
And I know what Bo's up to.
That man will go to any length to close that deal.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy the honeysuckle in the moonlight? You know, when Rheza and I were first married we were inseparable.
I think we scandalized the country.
Now, oh, so much of his day is spent with With meetings and crises and we argue all the time.
Mostly about Bo and that oil lease.
Oh, I don't know.
Amanda, I don't know, maybe that's not even the issue at all.
Maybe it's not.
Maybe if you could stop being the prince and the princess and just be Penelope and Rheza once in a while, maybe be alone.
Maybe that would help.
When When I was married and things weren't going so well, I had this, um - What? sexy nightgown.
- Did you really? - Yeah.
My ex-husband liked it, so when things weren't going so well, I'd put it on.
And he had this, uh, concoction, this hot mulled wine he'd make it and he would bring it to bed then things would just kind of get better.
Oh, Amanda, do you know, I didn't even think to pack a sexy nightgown? It could be better without the sexy nightgown.
[PENELOPE LAUGHS.]
Uh, oh.
Ha, ha.
Oh-ho.
- This is not an oh-ho.
- Oh.
Uh-uh.
No, no.
No.
L I don't know what that man wants.
- No? - No.
Does, uh, "honeysuckle and moonlight" ring a bell? Oh, you have a vivid imagination.
Amanda, it looks like the only fun that I'm going to have this weekend is hearing about the fun that you are having this weekend.
Oh, no.
So why don't you please just get started and I'll start having some, huh? I am going to bed.
Just wait a few discreet moments and, tsk, give her the gas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good night.
Does Princess Di talk like that? [TAPPING ON WINDOW.]
Oh, come in.
Hi.
- I thought I was supposed to be undercover.
- You are.
[SIGHS.]
Why? Is anything wrong? Oh, no, no, that was a very subtle performance you gave at the window.
She thinks we're having an oh-ho-ho.
- A what? - You heard me.
She thinks you're cute.
- I am cute.
- Not that cute.
Listen to this.
Whoever tried to kill the prince the other day was supposedly working for Endicott Roofing.
Making repairs at the embassy? - Hmm? - Yeah.
Well, Endicott got the job by bidding incredibly low.
Well, Endicott is a tax-Ioss company, owned by a company that's owned by a company that's owned by guess who? Johnson Oil.
- Johnson? As in Bo Johnson? - Yes, ma'am.
Oh, boy.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what did you come up with? Well, um, the princess is trying to convince the prince not to renew Bo's oil lease.
See, uh, Bo's putting on a lot of pressure, though.
Seems like everything is not the way that it seems that it is here.
Bo's not doing all that well.
Most of the wells that he's drilled recently have come up dry.
[O VER RADIO.]
The princess doesn't think it would be in the interest of the country to renew.
You know what? She doesn't like Bo Johnson at all.
BO: Earl? You're sure that cliff's gonna give way when that horse runs onto it? Yeah, that ought to do it, Mr.
Johnson.
That ledge'll never support a horse's weight now.
I sure hate to lose a beautiful horse like that Arabian but it'll be worth it if I can shut that little Penelope Squire's mouth once and for all.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Let's get on back to the ranch.
BO: Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
AMANDA: Good morning.
How y'all doing? My, my, but that's a mighty handsome horse you got there, princess.
Yeah.
He's beautiful, Bo.
He's a high-spirited animal.
You be careful, you hear? I've been riding since I was 6 years old.
I think I can handle the horse.
You sure you won't come with me? Oh, no, l I really better not.
I have an allergy, and, you know, with this cast.
Oh, that's a shame Mrs.
King can't go with you because that'd save Mr.
Stetson from worrying about security.
I beg your pardon? You mean the princess doesn't know? Doesn't know what? That you're a G-man.
Or shouldn't I say, G-lady? Eh, I mean, you do work for Mr.
Stetson, don't you? You see, my foreman, Earl, just happened to be outside your window digging for night crawlers while you and Mr.
Stetson were powwowing.
I thought you came here as my friend.
Apparently, you were just doing your job.
- No - I hope they're paying you well.
Penny! - I am not a G-man.
- Oh, I never contradict a lady.
Have a pleasant day.
[SIGHS.]
- Hi.
MAN: Can I help you? Uh, I promised my little boy Timmy I'd tell him about a real ranch.
He's just crazy about cowboys, you know? Uh, he'd sure love this hat.
Does it belong to the guy in this bunk? MAN: That's right.
Hello.
Do you have a horse that I could borrow, please? Well, I just grained all the horses, ma'am.
[HORSE NEIGHING.]
- Yes? - Well, all except El Diablo here.
Oh, he looks like a nice one.
You sure you can ride with that leg like that? Oh, sure, I'll be fine.
Yeah, just fine.
El Diablo's kind of a spirited horse.
LEE: Looks like Mr.
Parker has a dandruff problem.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, that'll happen to you in this dry weather.
You suppose I could talk to him about buying this hat? MAN: Willis Parker ain't here no more.
- Is he ready? MAN: Ready.
Oh, okay.
Good boy.
- Can I help you? - No, that's all right.
I'm fine, thank you very much.
Ouch.
Could you give me a leg up there, please? One, two, three.
Here we go.
Whoa.
No, it's all right.
I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm fine.
[AMANDA GRUNTS.]
MAN: I got you.
Come on.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Which way did the princess go? - That way, ma'am.
- Yeah, okay.
- Just bring him along this way, ma'am.
- This way.
Try digging your heels into the horse's flanks.
- Yeah, okay.
- Gently.
[AMANDA GRUNTING.]
You were saying that you don't have roundups here in Virginia.
You guys must still have some of those cowboy skills, right? Well, yeah, I guess you could say that.
Like branding.
You could rope a steer if you had to, I'll bet.
Huh? [CHUCKLES.]
And shooting.
This Mr.
Parker here any kind of a shot? Yeah, Willis Parker is a hell of a good shot.
I gotta get going, mister.
Look, I'd put that hat back where I found it.
Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[LEE GRUNTS.]
[AMANDA SCREAMING.]
Amanda? Amanda, hang on.
I'm coming! Hold on to the rein.
AMANDA: Whoa, whoa.
AMANDA: Ugh.
- Are you all right? Okay.
[PENELOPE SIGHS.]
Oh, thank you.
- You could have gotten killed on that horse.
- Well, he was the only one available.
- That was close.
- And I had to explain.
Are you telling me you got on that horse just in order to explain? Well, I thought it was like driving a car and about last night, I just want you to keep an open mind.
Sure.
- Hold it very still.
- Of course.
- It's okay.
- Hold the horse.
It's okay.
It was Willis Parker who fired those shots, wasn't it, Johnson? Now Parker's dead.
BO: I hope you forgive me, Mr.
Stetson but, uh, I don't think you're really in any position to be asking the questions.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go see a man about a horse.
Earl we'II, uh, take care of Mr.
Stetson and Ms.
King when I get back.
Oh.
Kind of ironic, you know? You spending all that energy to protect the prince when, uh, I can assure you, he was never in any danger at all.
So when Bo Johnson accused me of spying, I felt just awful because I'm not the kind of person who spies on friends.
The relationship with Mr.
Stetson was awful hard to explain.
It's really very secretive.
My family doesn't even know about it.
In public, when he talks to me, he won't look at me.
Looks straight ahead, won't even look at me.
- Well, about last night - Amanda, you can stop.
- I can? - Yes, I believe you.
- You do? - Yes, and I understand.
- Oh, good.
- Look, let's get you back.
- Um, you can ride my horse.
- No, no, l I can't ride any horse.
Yes, you can.
He's very gentle, he won't give you any trouble at all.
- His hair.
- Amanda, please.
Let's just not talk about it anymore, okay? - Okay.
- I can see it's very difficult for you.
AMANDA: Whoa.
[PENELOPE CHUCKLES.]
I tell you, I just feel a little silly, that's all.
I mean, here I am encouraging you to, uh, get something going with Mr.
Stetson.
- You've been having an affair all along.
- Huh? You're not gonna get away with this.
The prince's security people are gonna ask questions.
Just a little horseback-riding accident.
Yeah.
But the princess is an experienced rider.
Not on that white stallion, she ain't.
He's a killer.
PENELOPE: Okay, can you handle that now? See? You're doing great.
Good.
Good, just keep it up.
Yeah.
And whose fault is it if that ledge just happens to give way? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[LEE SCREAMS.]
AMANDA: This is better.
[AMANDA CHUCKLES.]
[HOOF BEATS NEARBY.]
[WHISTLE BLOWS AND HORSE NEIGHING.]
AMANDA: Whoa! Whoa! PENELOPE: Amanda, hold on.
Just hang on.
I'm coming.
Just don't let go.
Whoa! Horse, whoa! [LEE GRUNTS.]
[NEIGHS.]
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
PENELOPE: That was close.
That was just too close.
[AMANDA GASPS.]
- It just Just - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You were right.
You and horses don't get along.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Oh, well, I don't know, it wasn't so bad.
I didn't sneeze once.
Here.
No, you here.
[AMANDA SIGHS.]
Well, now that this is all over maybe Rheza and I can have a real vacation.
Yeah.
Um, I think the prince will enjoy Disney World.
- Listen, make sure you write, okay? - I will.
I'm dying to find out how things, uh, turn out between you and Mr.
Stetson.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- It's not what you think.
- Oh, sure.
Ha, ha.
- Now, you take care of yourself.
- You too.
All right.
Bye.
- So she said I was cute.
- She was under a lot of pressure.
Amanda, when you're undercover, it is not good procedure to look at me until the assignment is officially over.
Does the, uh, princess know you're working with us? No, but I had to have a reason you were outside my window last night.
LEE: What you come up with? - I didn't come up with anything, she did.
Okay, what did she come up with? She thinks we're having a thing.
A thing? Eyes straight ahead, Scarecrow.