Scoundrels s01e06 Episode Script

They're absolutely beautiful, Logan.
I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life.
She's gotta be kidding, right? - That's just sad.
- It's not the gift that matters.
It's the son behind it that counts.
Absolutely.
I'll see you at the party tonight.
Oh, really? You have another surprise for me? He's gonna walk on water? Oh, okay, I'll wait then.
All right, thank you again, sweetheart.
You made my day.
You know your other kids, the ones that aren't Logan we got you something, too.
Cal's bringing it.
Okay, but I have to leave in a minute.
Mom, I made you your special birthday pancakes.
Dad made me promise.
You're gonna see him later, aren't you? Well, I hope.
I mean, if I get off work in time.
But, hey, good luck on that audition.
- You know, fingers crossed.
- Hey, and, you, good luck protecting those insurance companies from the greedy poor people trying to screw them out of a profit.
It's a good job, Hope, one I probably don't deserve, but I beat out college grads to get this job.
I know.
They called to say thank you.
Ah, yes! Sweet! You're still here! Okay.
Finally.
Happy birthday, mamacita! Whoo! Oh! Ooh, it's from all of us, okay? H? Right?! Oh! Wow.
Well That's Really something.
Thank you.
What? It's nice.
Wow.
It's no big deal, Alice.
I mean, if you've got something else to do No! Are you kidding me, mamacita? I would love to come.
I could ask some of the other girls, too, - if that's okay with you.
- Yeah, please.
Mm-hmm.
I just didn't want to be presumptuous because I'm the new kid.
Listen, "new kid.
" Between you and me, penny cannot stop bragging - about how smart she was to have hired you.
- Really? Yes.
We all gettin' a little sick of it, if you ask me.
Desert dive, 8:00.
I'll be there.
Come on in.
If you're busy, penny, I'll come back later.
Oh.
Now's good.
What's up? Well, first of all, it's my birthday.
- 35? - Now and forever.
I was having a little get-together tonight, - and I was wondering if you might wanna - When and where? - Desert dive, 8:00.
- Great.
Anything else I can do for you? Uh There's a file that came across my desk, - and I thought I should go over it with you.
- Mm-hmm.
A house got robbed in my neighborhood.
They took plasma TVs, stuff like that.
You know the person whose house it is? A little.
Not really.
- Well, what's the issue? - Well, I noticed there were no receipts attached, which I know, normally, we ask for.
D also, there was no police report filed for the break-in.
Welcome to the world of people trying to rip us off.
Give it to me.
I'll hand it over to the fraud unit.
You know what? I'll just mark it "denied.
" Thanks, penny.
Nice job.
Really nice.
You'll be hearing from us soon.
Heather? Heather West? Is that you? Chantelle Hazenby.
Oh, my God! I hardly even recognized you.
- You look so gorgeous.
- Oh, thanks.
Ugh, I hate these cattle calls.
- They can't all be offers, can they? - If only, right? Hey, I've seen you on tv.
Channel 11's pick-five lotto girl.
Big whoop.
No.
Seriously, that is so awesome.
- "Tonight's first number is 7.
" - Listen, I owe you an apology.
That pageant, when we were kids I'm really sorry - that I told everybody at school what happened.
- Oh, that? And our five finalists are From la quinta, Sarah Delafina.
Representing rancho mirage, Chantelle Hazenby.
And from palm Springs, Heather West.
Oh! Whoa! Haven't thought about that in forever.
You must've hated being called "Ralph" all those years.
You know, that saying "What doesn't kill you makes you" Not dead or something.
- Mm, no.
Well, put your number in.
We need to be friends.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Exact same phone.
Look at that.
Wow.
Bump! - Chantelle? You're up.
- Okay.
- Hey, break a leg.
- Oh, I want you to get it.
In fact, I'm gonna tell them that.
Then maybe I can stop feeling so guilty about the whole "Ralph" thing.
Okay? Mwah.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Bye.
Patty, sweetheart, we have some wonderful news to share with you.
Tell her, Mrs.
Hong.
Okay, Mr.
Hong.
I'm pregnant.
Wow.
We tried for such a long time.
Now our prayers have been answered.
And it is a boy.
I'm finally getting a son.
Aw.
Hmm? Mwah! Ooh! Son of a bitch! Literally.
Son of a bitch! What're you going off about? I'm the one who should be freaking out here.
"I'm finally getting my son.
" I always knew he'd love me more if I had a penis.
That'd be weird, though.
All right, look, I know you hate me and everything, but I gotta tell you - wait, I don't hate you.
- I thought I made that pretty obvious.
- Okay.
Good then.
Anyway, listen.
I think it's mine.
- Your what? - My kid.
My kid! He said that they were trying, no go, over and over again.
And I do her a couple of times and bam! I mean, my olympic swim team went for the gold.
You didn't use condoms, you moron? Well she kept jumping my bones.
.
And it was kinda- there wasn't a lot of time.
And here I thought you'd changed - and finally grew some brain cells.
- Huh? Just just get away from me.
Get away from me, you and your boy sperm! Okay.
Now! Jeez, kasey.
You know, if you're gonna put in a bogus insurance claim, at least do a good job faking it.
No, it's a real claim.
What are you talking about? You got broken into, and you didn't call and tell me? With everything going on with wolf, I didn't want to pile on.
Then why didn't you file a police report? - Terry wouldn't let me.
- Oh.
You know how squirrelly he is about the law.
- Why do you even listen to him? - Beats me.
I mean, "I don't know," not "he beats me.
" - He doesn't.
- He better not.
Now how come you didn't attach any receipts for what was stolen? Receipts? My tv fell off the same truck yours did.
You pay cash.
You don't ask questions.
But I still got robbed, and I should get my money back.
That's why I have insurance.
You're right, but I still don't think this is gonna go through, especially since I flagged it to my boss.
Damn it.
Why didn't you come to me first? I didn't know you were working there.
Last I heard, you were at that grocery.
Life's been crazy.
Tell me about it.
Yeah, like, what is all this anyway? Oh, my new business ladies' undies for women of all shapes and sizes.
Boobs, a solid caboose just 'cause you got a little meat on your bones - don't mean you can't be sexy.
- That's a really good idea.
Yeah, except I'm tapped out.
That claim money was gonna help me hire some workers - and buy new material, get thinthings going for.
- I'm sorry.
You can't sneak it through? Or maybe ask Charlie if he can print out some fake receipts from the store? Come on, a little forgery for old time's sake.
I can't.
Sorry.
Gotta tow it to the shop.
You know, I checked the carburetor, and it definitely is not that.
Knock wood it's not the transmission.
But if it is, I want to use factory parts.
Okay, no more chop shop.
- From now on, I'm on the up-and-up.
- You know, Cheryl, that's how the price is gonna go up and up.
The straight and narrow path is gonna cost you.
It already has.
Mm.
It's wolf.
Hi.
Happy birthday, sunshine of my life.
Thank you.
What's that noise? Where are you? Oh, my car had a temper tantrum.
- Falani's here.
He's towing me.
- Let me talk to him.
- I'll set you up.
- No, thanks.
I got it covered.
They get older, wanna be on their own, leave the nest, fly away.
Ha ha.
Well, how about Cal or Heather? Can they drive you over here? No, I don't think so.
The kids are throwing me a birthday party.
You're kidding? I'm not gonna see you on your birthday? No, I-I-I can't, wolf.
Hey, what can you, right? No sweat.
Have fun tonight.
Make a good wish, one that has me coming home in it.
Happy birthday, babe.
I love you.
Yeah, me, too.
Ladies? Drink orders? Drinks? - Beer.
- Yeah, beer, please.
Uh, white wine.
- The same.
White wine.
- Ma? - I'll have a wine, too.
- All right.
Ooh! Fancy pants.
And a beer chaser.
- Beer chaser.
- Better? So, uh Guess who knocked up Mrs.
Hong but isn't Mr.
Hong.
You didn't use condoms, you moron? What does she want from you? Nothing so far.
The old guy thinks it's his.
Well, buddy boy, you just dodged a bullet.
Okay, you sure you're ready for my family? I have been sure for weeks.
Anyway, there's no way I would miss your mother's birthday party, even though I had to practically crowbar the invitation out of you.
- I just didn't want there to be any pressure.
- On me or on you? - On you, of course.
- This is exactly where I wanna be.
And you, sir, are exactly who I wanna be with.
And don't tell my students - I ended a sentence with a preposition.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Mom! Hey! - Hey, Logan.
- Happy birthday! - Oh! Oh! This is my son Logan, the lawyer.
- Hi.
How you doing? - Hi, Logan.
Uh, this is, uh - vice principal bottoms? - Valerie, please.
- Valerie.
She used to be my son's teacher.
So this is your surprise? Valerie and I have been dating for a while, yeah, and, uh We were keeping it private.
Now we're not.
So Well that's wonderful.
Really? That's Didn't know how you were gonna react, so What, a-a beautiful woman, responsible, with a career? I mean, what could be bad about that? Oh, I am so happy to hear you say that oh.
- Mrs.
West.
- Cheryl.
Please.
Oh.
- "Cheryl.
" - Cheryl.
Well, come on, Valerie.
Park it here.
And, you, go get her a Tequila sunrise or a daiquiri or something with a plastic monkey.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Can I get something with a monkey in it, please? Dude, is that "miss Bottoms with the awesome top" over there with mom? Yeah.
Yeah.
And we're dating now, so lose the nickname.
Oh, good on you, buddy.
She is hot.
Hey, speaking of hot, what's up with that- that Chinese girl you work with? What is it? Uh, uh.
Peggy? - What, Patty Hong? - Patty Hong.
I bumped into her when I dropped off that package.
- What's her deal? - I don't know, man.
She's weird.
I mean, for a second there, she hated me, then she sort of liked me, and now she hates me again.
What'd you do? Got her stepmom pregnant.
You didn't use a condom? You moron! Why does everybody have to say "you moron"? - Cheers! - Happy birthday to me.
Cheers! - To new old friends.
- To old new friends.
Mm.
I have to find the little models' room.
Mm.
W where's that? She means the toilet, Cruz.
- What'd you bring her here for? - Yo, yo, don't be discouraging the bringing of hot ladies, okay? Well, you could've brought someone here, too.
That is, if anyone actually liked you.
Mm, whatever you say, Ralph.
- She apologized for that.
- I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Chantelle's only being nice to you - because she's threatened by you.
- What? You're the competition.
New blood nipping at her spiked heels.
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
" That mean anything to you? No.
If I had any enemies, I'd wanna keep 'em as far away from me as possible.
Besides, how am I a threat to her? I mean, she's, like, so far - ahead of me in her career.
- Oh, and you idolize her! Even better.
It's so she can keep an eye on you and get sucked up to at the same time.
- Its pretty efficient, actually.
- Oh, what do you know? Maybe she just likes to hang out with me.
Haven't you ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog? No, but I guess I'm going to.
So here's this scorpion, and there's this frog.
And the scorpion asks the frog to take him across the river.
And the frog's like, "oh, I don't know.
I'm afraid you're gonna sting me.
" The scorpion goes, "hey, if I did that, we'd both drown.
" The frog figures, "okay.
" The scorpion gets on the frog's back.
Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog.
And as they're both sinking to the bottom, the frog's like, "What's the deal? You promised you wouldn't do that.
" The scorpion goes, "I'm a scorpion.
It's in my nature.
" That is so stupid.
Frogs don't even talk.
Check, please.
Come on, heather-feather.
Let's make the guys in this place go crazy.
Yes, please.
Hey, Cruz.
Wanna watch a scorpion dance with a frog? Look right over there.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hey.
Look who's here.
Well, sergeant, what brings you out on a school night? Oh, one of my detectives is getting married this weekend, - so we're having his wake tonight, basically.
- Oh.
So, uh, did you find a job? I did.
And thanks, by the way, for getting that nonsense off my record.
Oh.
Don't mention it.
Where you workin'? Silver sentinel insurance.
Insurance.
Wow.
That's, uh ironic? Hilarious? No, I-I was gonna say "impressive," actually.
Sorry.
I guess I'm just used to you being a jerk to me.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, you know.
Anyhow, um Uh, sorry.
- Good night.
- Okay.
See ya.
- Hey.
- Valerie and I, we're gonna take off.
That's right, 'cause you both have to get up early for your work.
So do you, so don't, you know, stay out too late, okay? Okay.
What's the matter? Mm.
Nothin'.
Come on.
Mom, I know that look.
I miss your father.
You should get him out of jail.
I should've never told you not to.
What was I thinking? You were thinking about your kids, mom.
Okay, Cal has a good job, Hope's in school, you've got a good job.
Heather's getting more auditions, making connections.
The family is doing really, really good, and you know and I know that it wouldn't have happened if dad were around.
And I-I'm sorry.
I know that that's harsh, but it's totally true.
You're right As usual.
I love you.
Home safe.
Happy birthday.
I love you.
What is it? What's the emergency? I lied.
There's no emergency.
I just wanted to call you and hear your voice when it was still my birthday.
'Cause it is still my birthday isn't it? You're drunk, lady.
So what? You've been avoiding me, Cher.
Admit it.
Okay, not now, okay? Just just be sweet now.
I'm only saying it 'cause of how much I miss you.
I miss the way your hair smells when you get out of the shower.
I miss the creases in the back of your knees.
I miss tracing your tattoo with my finger while we're lying on the couch watching bad tv.
Man, oh, man.
I'm gonna make it up to you when I get out of here.
Every holiday I'm missing being stuck in here, every birthday, - you're getting 'em back and then some.
- Yeah.
I promise.
- Are you still there? - Yeah.
Keep talkin'.
Hey, remember when Heather couldn't say "t-h" when she was little? She'd say, "happy burp-day.
" The boys had a field day with that one, huh? Well, that was a long time ago, when we were young and pretty.
You're still young, and you're as beautiful as the day I met you.
Aww.
We did good, Cher, you and me, huh? We made an amazing family.
Oh, wolf.
What am I gonna do with you? Whatever you like, when I get out of here.
So, uh.
About this rager I'm missing.
Come on.
Hey, Cheryl.
Hey.
- You don't look any worse for wear.
- Oh.
That was fun last night.
- Yeah, it was.
Thanks for coming.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, Alice, uh, turned in this claim for her car, and I just thought you should have a look at it.
I didn't say anything to her.
Well, it says her car was taken from the big foods parking lot, and they found it torched in Joshua tree.
Can't get any more totaled than that.
I know.
I read it.
It just sounded a little I don't know.
But I don't wanna judge Alice.
I-I shouldn't have wasted your time.
D-d leave it here.
I'll expedite it for her.
Okay.
Thanks.
You know, if you and your family aren't covered with us, you should really consider it.
Our prices are very competitive.
I'll look into it.
That's a beauty, Alice.
Isn't she though? Gosh, I just love that new car smell.
Don't you? I swear, if they made it into perfume, - I'd be dabbing it all over me.
- Well, don't forget to set your car alarm when you park, okay? - You can never be too careful.
- Always.
Bye, sweetie.
You take care.
I'm hungover from mom's party.
We wish you were the, man.
I'll be there next year, assuming your brother gets his act together and wins my appeal.
I haven't heard from him lately.
Ah, I'll get on his case.
Hey, dad, I gotta ask you something.
How did it feel when you found out that mom was pregnant with me and Logan? Did you get somebody pregnant? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
I just I don't know.
Something that crossed my mind.
I wanted to ask you about it.
Is heather no, dad.
Jeez.
- Heather's not pregnant.
- You're sure? 'Cause not you got me all nervous Which, come to think of it, is exactly how I felt when your mother told me.
- You didn't want us? - I wanted you like crazy.
I was afraid I wouldn't be a good father.
On top of which, people tell ya, the minute your kids are born, you're worried from that moment on through the rest of your life.
"Are they safe? Are they happy? - Are people being nice to them?" All of that.
- Oh, that's huge.
Yeah, it's huge and terrifying.
And it's the best thing that can happen to a man.
Yeah.
You hold that baby in your hands the first time And immediately, without even thinking about it, you know, "I would kill r this kid.
I would die for this kid.
" I mean, what's better than that? Huh? I thought I made myself crystal clear about this family and stolen property.
You said we weren't allowed to steal stuff.
I bought that clock, ma.
I paid good money for it.
- And you still owe me your half, by the way.
- Third, genius.
- Where did you buy it? - Chlie.
- Oh.
- Does that mean we're getting rid of all our furniture now, too? - That was different.
- How is that different? It came from the same place as the clock.
Before.
That was before.
And where have you been? With Chantelle.
And, no, I haven't heard from my audition, in case you were wondering.
It's the only thing any of us could think about! Look, you, if I could get rid of everything in this house that was either hot or fell off a truck or whatever you wanna call it, I would the couch, the tv, your computer but I can't.
And if you think I'm a hypocrite, then you can sit on the damn floor.
Okay well, if it's okay to keep the furniture, it's okay to keep this butt-ugly clock.
- You're not allowed to buy things - Wh ever again.
Ugh! Hey.
- Psst.
Hey.
- Ugh.
- Do you have a minute? - No.
60 seconds then.
Cal What is it? - It's about our baby.
- Oh, we don't have a baby.
All right, listen to me.
Now I don't have a lot of money or anything, but I'd be willing to throw in a couple of bucks every month and take him on the weekends once in a while.
And I don't know what you were thinking about names, but I had a couple ideas.
I always liked the name "Lenny.
" Look, look, just why don't you just keep your ideas to yourself and your couple of bucks? This baby is mine and Mr.
Hong's.
All right, listen, this is my first kid that I know of, and I wanna be in his life.
I want him to know what I'd - kill for him and die for him.
- Ah, shh, shh, shh.
You are irrelevant, period, end of story.
You know what? I think you planned it.
I think you made me your insperminator, and now you're gonna cut me out! Let's just say, hypothetically, that I did do that.
How about just say it? 'Cause that's what happened.
And if Mr.
Hong found out that you and I were together, let alone anything else I guarantee you'll get to die for this kid.
So how did you, like, find out? How did they tell you you were gonna be the next lotto girl? Oh, my agent did that thing where she pretended to be all bummed out.
So, you know, I figured I didn't get it.
And then she yelled, "congratulations!" Oh! That's so cool! I know.
Hey, do you ever get those 6s and those 9s mixed up on those ping-pong balls? There's a mark so you know which is the top.
Oh.
Cool.
So what do you think? Honestly? They're not that great.
And I'm telling you this as a friend.
Um, well, I've been getting really good feedback on it.
Yeah, I'm sure your mom likes the pictures of you very much.
No, she actually hates the um, tell me.
W come on, I can take it.
You know what? No.
No.
That would be mean.
And anyways, it's totally subjective.
Although, of course, there is an industry standard, but never mind that.
What what is it? My my my smile? My hair? My eyes? W-w-what? - Let's just forget I said anything.
- No! I-I-I can't.
Now anytime anyone wants to see these, - I'm gonna be all freaked out.
- Honey, no, I would never want that.
Forgive me.
Please? Okay? Okay.
Ooh, what's the matter, puppy dog? You look like someone peed in your water bowl.
Oh.
I was gettin' used to the idea of being a dad.
She won't let me.
Find yourself a nice girl to have babies with, - not Cruella de Vil.
- I guess.
Well, you got some decent sex out of it, right? That's true.
She may be mean, but she's got some skills.
Bet she wasn't as good as me, though, was she? You ass! You don't have time to work on dad's appeal, but you have time to have sex with Patty Hong? To be precise, "Cal" had sex with Patty Hong.
I just happened to be playing the role of Cal for that particular performance.
You got hot old Ms.
Bottoms and you're cheatin' on her? "Logan" hasn't sleep with anybody but Valerie.
Again that was "Cal.
" You're such a lawyer.
So What? So how was she? Come on, give up the goods, man.
Well, that is privileged client/attorney information.
No, but you said that it was "Cal," not Logan the lawyer.
Whoa! Logic! Do you need a little rest after - that brain workout there, buddy? - Oh, ha ha ha.
Uh, to tell you the truth, it was very nice.
It was very It was very nice, really nice.
All right.
I get it.
It was nice.
So, uh, she thinks she already had sex with me once.
What's to stop her from doing it again? Well, the fact that it would actually be you this time.
You suck.
All right, I'm gonna take off.
See you later.
Oh, hey, dude, Logan.
Go see dad.
Oh.
What a nice surprise.
I thought we should talk outside of the office.
I hope that's all right.
Let me make a wild guess it's about Alice's claim.
It is.
And Marcie's and Emma' somebody's gotten adept at using the office computer.
All false claims, all approved by you.
And I think you wanted me to figure it out.
Why is that? The girls at work, they're like us a little bit damaged.
No offense, but I don't see myself as damaged.
Well, you know what I mean.
Some of us are married, some separated, some, their men are "away.
" And I think we deserve a little Somethin' somethin', like maybe a new car every couple of years, to balance things out.
See, I see it as an act of sisterhood.
That's funny, 'cause I see it as an act of stealing from the company we work for.
Oh.
Well then I guess you won't be interested in the promotion I was gonna offer you.
My job is becoming available more than twice the salary you're making now, among other perks.
- Where are you going? - Corporate headquarters.
I'm getting a promotion, too.
And I need someone I can trust to carry on my Legacy.
So why me? Why not Alice or any one of the others? Well, because as nice as they are, they're no Cheryl West.
Ah.
What, do you really think that I could work in insurance out here and not know about the Wests? Look, the point is, I am not here to judge you on your past.
I wanna put it to good use.
You don't need to answer now.
Just sleep on it.
Hey, hang on a second.
Please hold for Robin Kubryk.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hey, sweetie.
It's Robin Kubryk.
Just calling to let you know - your call time got pushed an hour.
- My call time? What call time? The ad you're shooting today- save the whales, man's inhumanity to manatee.
You know, that animal rights thing.
I got it?! Oh, my gosh! Well, thank you! Thank you! What are you going on about, Chantelle? You booked this days ago.
This isn't Chantelle.
Um this is Heather West.
I must've grabbed her phone.
Oh.
Can you give Chantelle that message then? Can I ask you something, Robin? Was I even close to booking this? - 'Cause I really thought I had this one.
- You were lovely.
My "condition"? Your condition makes you your nervous stomach, honey.
If you're gonna toss your cookies every time you're onstage, maybe modeling isn't the right career for you.
That was one time, and I was 11.
- What, did Chantelle tell you that, too? - Word on the street.
Listen, I gotta run.
Tell Chantelle about her appointment.
That little conniving Little cootie queen.
- You mean your new best friend? - "A," she lied about the job.
Apparently, she had it the whole time.
And two, she told me she was gonna put in a good word for me.
- That word was "vomit.
" - You're surprised by this? Yeah, I am, actually.
How much do you think I'd get for model murder? No.
Don't let her know you know.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
So all these weeks, you haven't been working on my appeal.
- That's what you're telling me? - I started to, but then I had to think about my position in the firm, and the fact that my colleague's uncle is the judge that sentenced you.
At the end of the day, I realized - that it could be too detrimental to my career.
- All right.
"All right"? All right.
Thank you for telling me in person.
That was very straight up of you.
I wish it could be different.
Yeah, me, too.
Logan.
Yeah, dad? Don't come back here anymore.
I don't want to see you again.
We're done.
Penny.
Good morning.
Am I gonna be happy or not? I appreciate the offer Kind of, but, uh, the job's just not for me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Wests don't rat.
But you probably read that in our file.
You're passing up an excellent opportunity.
The job I have is fine for me.
- Oh.
- What? Well, the office makeup is shifting, as I told you.
We're gonna need to transfer you to our cathedral city branch.
You're exiling me to cathedral city because I'm turning you down? Oh, I think you'll fit in better the.
Because the crime rate's higher and I'll bamong my people? No need to get testy, Cheryl.
Here's testy for you screw cathedral city and screw your legacy.
- What do you have to say now? - Obviously, you're fired.
But before you go, could you tell me where you got that lovely cuckoo clock in your living room? I've been searching for one just like it.
It was a gift.
Oh, damn it.
Sorry I don't have the keys.
- But this gets us squared away, right? - Oh, yeah.
So, uh, no more honest living? Sometimes justice isn't legal.
It was amazing.
When I drove out of that parking lot, I felt like Robin hood.
- Steal from the bitch to give to the poor.
- Well, I, uh, - I'm sure she deserved it.
- Oh, she'll get a new car soon enough.
- She's got excellent insurance.
- Yeah.
Well, back to an honest living Whatever that's gonna be.
- Thanks, Falani.
- All right, we'll see you.
- What? - What the hell did you do to me? What are you talking about? My hair is falling out! What did you put in that shampoo?! I didn't do anything.
I really wish I had, but I didn't.
You're lying! No, I'm really not baldilocks.
Baldy McBalderson.
Where's Baldo? Oh, my gosh.
It was you.
You did it.
You balded Chantelle.
Oh.
Did I accidentally put the stuff you use on your pits in her shampoo bottle before she showered at our house this morning? Oops.
Oh, my gosh, you're so sick.
I love it! I can't believe you would do something like that for me.
Hey, you're an idiot T you're my idiot.
I hate you, too.
You want a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice? Made it myself.
Seriously? A busy working woman like yourself has time to cook bacon and squeeze orange juice? Pretty impressive.
I'm in between jobs, actually.
Oh.
What happened with the insurance company? Didn't work out.
So what can I do for you? Well The precinct got a call last night about a theft.
Some anonymous tipster said they have reason to believe that you might be involved.
Nice clock.
Yeah, I never cared much for birds, you know.
Damn flying rats are always messing up my windshield.
I know what you mean.
Well You have a good one now.
You, too, Detective.
I will.
I will.
Hey there.
What are you doing here? How was your day at work? Sighst out or I'm calling the police.
Oh, yes.
Your very close, good friends the police.
- Yeah, I know you stole my car.
- You're welcome.
Now you won't have to hire someone to torch it when you get bored.
But see, now it's time to talk about what you did to me.
You cost me my job Which is okay.
I mean, it's not great, but I can live with that.
I'll find another one.
But when you send cops into my home You're declaring war on my family.
And that, my friend, is a war you will lose Badly With lots of casualties.
Do I make myself clear? Very.
Oh, and another thing my neighbor's claim? Remember the one that you said was phony? Turns out it was real.
So I guess the lesson here is that things aren't always what they seem.
It's a good thing to keep in mind.
I'll be by the office tomorrow to pick up the check.
Oh And I left you a little souvenir.
Just a little somethin' somethin'.
See ya.
You're a freakin' rock star goddess! Okay, I just got you what you were entitled to.
Oh, God.
But there is one itty, bitty little string attached.
Oh! Name it.
You kind of suck with money Tell me something I don't know.
And I happen to have a very good head for business, and I'm also in the market for a job right now - Yes.
- Yes? Yes.
- Yes! Yes! - Oh, my God! Oh! - We'll be partners.
- Okay.
All right? All right.
All ri um, okay, partner.
How do we start? Uh, we need a name for the business something that says big and feminine and lusty and beautiful.
Oh, my gosh.
I've got it.
Full bloom.
- I love it.
- Right? 'S perfect.
It's great! Okay, wait.
Then we could also have, like, these secret, uh, modeling parties, right? - We could model the lingerie for each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- Girls only.
- Okay.
- And then, we could sell the lingerie - Wow.
- Right? - You are a natural at this! Yes.
It's about damn time.