Scrubs s01e06 Episode Script

- Say "ah".
- Ah.
- OK, say "oh".
- Oh.
Everybody say "Ah, oh, ah!" Excuse me.
As legal counsellor, it's my job to inform you that your suspension is effective immediately.
Just the messenger.
Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting.
Until then, and I cannot bend on this I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
- I'm going to be here all day.
- Works for me.
That'd be good.
I hope that works out.
Dr Cox, if you need to talk It was weird knowing my mentor could be fired tomorrow.
But there's no reason to feel any less confident.
I'll be fine without a safety net.
What do you think, Dr Dorian? Bypass or stent? Bypass! Or stent.
There's a lot of horrible things about being an intern.
Long hours, constant stress, having to deal with death.
But worst is the simple fact that the average intern has to disimpact 15 to 20 bowels a week.
There's an oath among interns never to make fun of each other for doing the things we have to do.
You have to touch someone's hiney.
Dorian, come with me.
And Dr - Reid.
- Sure.
Why not? Take over for him.
I'm assigning you to a board member whose family built this hospital with their bare hands.
That can't be true.
- Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
- What happened? - So, this board member almost fainted? - I'll fire up the paddles.
- Dr Weisenheimer's back.
- How was your ski trip? - I'm confused.
- You annoy me.
- Now I get it.
But you have a charm everyone else here seems to respond to.
Use it.
OK, sport? Great, an 80-year-old, grouchy, pretentious smokin'- Hot bitty.
Who do you love the most? Sweetheart, are you getting younger? This is Dr Dorian.
- He'll be looking after you.
- And who will be looking after him? Since your jaw is wired shut, we'll give you IV nutrition, OK? Sorry.
It's like the dentist.
They ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth.
I did it again.
Dr Greenberg.
What kind of doctor are you? I keep doing it.
Just act it out.
Head? Shrinking.
A shrink! I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor.
That didn't come out right.
My dad.
He's a doctor too.
He says therapy is for people with more money than problems.
But then My dad says a lot of things.
- Did anyone page a nurse? - No.
- It looks like his eyes are screaming.
- Please, we're talking.
Where was I? - You should get dressed.
- I can't.
It's still out there.
Don't call my mother "it".
It implies you think that she's a monster.
Get a move on, it gets up to feed about now.
I don't understand why we couldn't stay at my place.
I could've done the whole show.
- There's a show? - Yeah, there's a show.
It involves music, some dancing, occasionally singing.
- Can you do Me And Mrs Jones? - I don't know, what's she look like? You wanted to spend the whole night together.
I can't leave my mother alone.
She's frail.
Tell her to put the cane down! - Tell her to put the cane down! - It's because I'm unmarried.
She doesn't have to know we had sex.
- She speaks English.
- Then why translate? You don't speak Spanish! No! No! Tell her to put the cane down.
I have to be honest, when Dr Kelso said board member, I was thinking this like old, grumpy That would be my father.
He died.
- I'm so sorry.
- 20 years ago.
I would have said sorry then but I had trouble with my Ss.
I was five.
Ss.
So How are you feeling? Great, that's why I'm here.
Listen, RJ.
- JD.
- Like it matters.
You seem like a nice, spineless, boy, so let's be honest.
I'm here because it was the only way to end my mother's nagging pseudo-concern.
- That's sweet.
- So, do your little tests.
But first, close the blinds wash off your 8th-grade-dance cologne so we don't add nausea to my symptoms.
I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water, which you've yet to get.
- Let me just - Doing things I want first.
- Your little tests later.
- Nice to meet you.
I hate you.
Merry Christmas! I mean, happy Halloween! I am so frazzled.
I did not sleep at all.
In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here.
It's so much pressure.
I can't talk to anyone here.
It's so competitive.
I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, I don't know she listens, but she just never seems to hear me, you know? Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed.
And sometimes I have no idea how I'll make it through this.
No.
I don't even like to take aspirin.
I'd rather just Oh, you! Dr Cox.
I've been thinking about your predicament and I think I have a solution: cruise ships.
- Right.
- Everyone'll call you Doc.
You'll visit exotic ports.
Maybe you'll even get to meet Charo.
Enjoy this while you can, Bobby.
If your evil genie does grant your wish and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with will be yourself.
And when you really get to know that person dear God, you'll scream so loud Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed so he can get some sleep.
Look at you with your stiff upper lip.
I think I'm gonna miss that the most.
What are you looking at? I just I like your shirt.
- What kind of shirt is that? - A white T-shirt.
I knew it.
I will never sleep at your place again.
It wasn't that bad.
I am in such a good mood.
Does she invite the priest over every day? Only when she finds me in bed with some guy.
So most days.
That's not funny.
That's not funny.
I'm just in a much better place.
Do I look different? What kind of a shirt is that? I am such an idiot.
I'm in a better place.
What do you say, my apartment, tonight? I'll think about it.
Why doesn't anyone listen to me? In a better place, look different, feel good.
That's what happens when you see a shrink.
My patient is a therapist.
I'm not seeing a shrink.
Stop spreading around embarrassing rumours.
I'm just goofing around.
The last thing I want to do is upset a crazy lady.
- T-shirt.
- Is anybody up there? Up there Up there Up there I'm all alone down here here Here It's cold.
I'm frightened.
Just keep moving.
Refocus.
Think about helping Dr Cox.
Ms Sullivan? Sorry.
I didn't realise you're in the bathroom.
It's OK, come on in.
Come in the room, not in here.
What's the matter with you? Are you even a real doctor? I know that you're on the board, and I have this friend.
Well, he's a mentor - Losing interest! - Sorry.
Why are you dressed? I'm going to a party.
I assume my tests are normal.
But I sure hope we can go down to the river some time and race frogs.
That's it.
Listen, you spoiled, bossy chore of a woman.
- What'd you say? - You're in now, go for it.
I'm the doctor here.
So put your gown back on get back in bed and shut the hell up! - No one talks to me that way.
- Get used to it, missy.
I didn't mean to be such a hard ass, just now.
You can wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
- Take off your pants.
- Yes, ma'am.
I know it's tough leaving your mother at home.
- I'm really glad you're here.
- You are? Yes, I am.
And I promise I'm going to make it worth your while.
We've already slept together.
You should be careful about the build-up.
- Is that necessary? - Yeah.
I got something for you.
You want to hear it? Did you learn that for me? More.
The start of a relationship is about three things.
Control.
Oh, God! Dependence.
He was released a couple of hours ago.
And timing.
Your mother broke her leg.
Other than that, there aren't a lot of surprises.
Dr Cox have you met? You don't have to introduce me to my ex-wife.
Surprise! You putz.
- Oh, no.
- Hello, Jordan.
- Oh, no, no.
- Perry.
- Perry? - You never heard that.
And I don't have your ex-wife's bite mark on my neck.
Don't look her in the eyes.
She'll steal your soul.
How are things down in the underworld? Good.
And you? Still have a rollicking social life? Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.
Name some place, other than the hospital, you've been in the last month.
Five, four, three, two My car! On the way to the Big party.
That must have hurt.
I gotta get out of here.
Anger like this has a way of being passed on to whoever's closest.
Dr Cox, I know you're suspended but you're the only one my mother trusts.
Not now! This is all your fault.
- Turk, can I talk? - No.
You can't.
That's why they're called your problems.
Sorry.
Happy Halloween.
That'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time.
When dealing with a crisis, everyone knows you go right to the source.
God, the source is pretty.
Ms Sullivan? Excuse me? I think we're way past Ms Sullivan.
OK, Jordan I don't think we should see each other again.
The story of my life.
Any time I let my guard down just a little, I get hurt.
I am so sorry.
You know how long it's been since I connected with someone? It's not fair that because of him, I don't get to spend time It's hard to keep that going.
See you, DJ, I got a date.
"See each other again!" She's gonna be OK.
I don't know, Mom, I'm just feeling lost.
Everyone here is so busy, and I guess I'm just kind of lonely.
Could you just try to hear what I'm saying? Just this once? No, I don't have short hair.
Yes, I know short hair gives me pig-face.
Yeah.
- Dr Cox! - OK, Linus.
You're too excited.
Get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out.
Non-displaced femoral fracture, Carla's mom's gonna be fine.
- OK, what? - Your ex-wife.
- She's the answer.
- Things That Ruined My Life? Things With Sharp Edges? She's on the board.
I'm sure she's a reasonable person.
Not that I know her or have been alone with her.
- But if you just - No.
- Ask.
- I'm going to go and do this as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand.
No I wonder if he wants me to ask her.
Fine, I'll ask her.
That's a no.
- It's always funny.
- Can't believe she's sleeping.
She's had two Valium.
- Why, was she in a lot of pain? - No, she just wouldn't shut up.
I'm sorry.
I notice your little boyfriend's name's not on the cast.
Making me leave her alone like that? She would have gotten hurt, whether you were there or not.
She fell in the shower.
So unless you have an extremely disturbing relationship - I'm afraid you're full of crap.
- I'm full of crap? If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here? You don't scare me with those crazy eyes.
She's an excuse to not take chances.
- You're only happy when you're here.
- You're afraid to live your own life.
Admit that losing this place would kill you.
- We done? - That's all I got.
Crazy eyes? Low blow.
There are other ways to save Dr Cox's job.
I could try talking to Dr Kelso.
Cox could get plastic surgery to look like Jimmie Walker.
This guy's gonna need 30mEqs of KCL.
Or I could just ask Jimmie Walker to talk to Dr Kelso.
Your man Cox is the best.
I know he's got an unorthodox way of doing things but all the innovators do.
Now, everybody deserves a second chance.
Am I right? Who are you? Or I could get back to the problem at hand.
I know you're on your way to the board meeting and I know you don't really like me, but I don't dislike you.
I nothing you.
Thanks, that's special.
I have to ask you a favour.
But this is not why we slept together.
You had nothing to do with why we slept together.
I think we both know that's not completely true.
Even though you're terrified Dr Cox will find out if I wanted you to have sex with me in front of him, you would.
Please don't do that.
You remind me of him when he was younger.
Then see if you can dig up sympathy for someone who means a whole lot to me, and probably means a little to you, too.
- So will you help him? - Ah, sweetie No.
- I went to therapy once.
- You did? Yeah.
Once though, like, back in '93 to '94.
Then a few months in '95.
And then I went to group, which was a disaster.
When I went to college it was my first time away from home.
Things started piling up and I felt I was sinking.
- Yeah.
- And no matter how embarrassing you think it might be, it's always helpful to talk to someone neutral.
For example, take a look at me.
I am now, thanks to therapy in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman who won't sleep over because she thinks I broke her mother's leg.
Baby! How long were you back there? For a second, huh? - I wasn't talking about us - Turk.
Mom's spending the night here, so I will spend the night with you only we have to leave right now.
Go.
Sometimes no matter how badly you want to stop something there's nothing you can do to stop it.
The board of directors of Sacred Heart is behind that door sipping water and killing the career of Dr Cox.
Yes.
I am bullet-proof.
- He's taking it well.
- So, no hard feelings? - Careful.
- Catch you on the flip side.
I really think you're making a big mistake.
- The most destructive thing about Dr - Yawn! I say yawn because when I actually yawn, you don't get it.
See you in hell.
I don't know why she did it, maybe I got to her.
Maybe she knows how much the hospital needs him.
Maybe she remembers why she cared about him in the first place.
I did it cos the thought of you rotting here in this fluorescent tomb is more fun than tipping a valet with your alimony cheque.
Listen, pumpkin, if you're having this much trouble getting over me just go ahead and give me a call and I'll toss you a sympathy throw-down any time.
It made me realise every ending leads to new complications.
New problems to be dealt with.
I'm watching that.
- New issues.
- Thanks, Dr Greenberg.
See you next week.
- She was never boring.
- What happened? You marry somebody like your mother then remember you hate your mother.
You asked her for help, didn't you? You don't realise how important you are around here.
I'll always remember that as the first thank-you I got from Dr Cox.
Jeez, Agnes.
Does the field-hockey team know that you're missing? It felt good.
Although it did take some stones to be honest.
Stick with the truth and you can't get hurt.
Always been my philosophy.
- You didn't sleep with her, did you? - God, no.
Philosophy is tricky.