See Dad Run (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Mom! Matthew Pearson just asked me out.
Look.
"What up? Want to hang?" I know.
I'm, like, dying.
Huh.
An older boy with a car asked you on a date.
Wait, you're not going to freak out like some crazy, over-protective mom, are you? Ew.
Of course not.
No, no.
I meant, "Whoo! Ha! An older boy with a car asked you on a date!" I'm totally cool with it.
You are cool.
But you know who, uh, might not be so cool and I say this, uh, one cool chick to another is your father.
So, you might want to run this by him.
Good idea.
I'm going in.
Cover me.
Gotcha.
Dad! Hey, daddy.
Matthew Pearson wants to hang.
It's no biggie and mom's on board.
I'm sure you are too.
I don't even know why I'm asking.
So, thanks.
Okay.
Honey, you're on board with this? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I am.
- Oh, ooh.
Uh, no, I don't, uh I don't know, em.
I'm not sure that you're, uh that you're cleared for landing.
Or if you can go to the ymca for that matter, so I don't think - What? - Look at you.
You were my little baby once, and now you're this beautiful girl.
Give me a hug, sweetheart.
What? What are you trying to say to me? Don't let her go.
Oh, of course not.
Yes.
Emily, no.
You are not allowed to go on a date with Matthew Pearson.
You're too young.
And you're way too young to fly an airplane.
This is so unfair.
And weird.
Well, I guess we nipped that "dating an older boy" thing in the bud, didn't we? "We"? Honey, I was the bud nipper.
You were the bud kisser.
All right, dad.
First, I want to apologize for overreacting.
Thank you.
I totally understand where you're coming from with Matthew.
But I think it's funny how this played out so differently on your TV show.
I'm not sure where you're going with this, Emily, but any time you want to talk about my show, I'm in.
Well, you wouldn't let your daughter date an older guy in the much beloved episode "daddy gets a snake bite.
" - Mmm.
- But lucky for you, that older guy saved your life because he knew how to suck out snake venom.
That episode got a "must see" fromEntertainment Weekly.
And in the end, you did the right thing by letting them go out on a date.
That's a good point, Emily.
And very well played, I might add.
But if I remember correctly, my daughter in the show was 16.
You're 14.
Even better played, me.
- Mom.
- Okay.
How about we invite this Matthew Pearson over to meet him and then we decide? Ugh! That is so old-fashioned.
Before he arrives, will I have time to churn the butter? I think it's your best shot and your only shot.
Fine.
I'll have him bring toast.
For the butter I'm churning.
Because we're in the '80s.
Hey! The '80s paid for this house! What are you doing? Come on, I was doing the signal.
What were you doing? I thought we said no dating.
Honey, if we say no, she's going to sneak around and see him anyway.
But if we meet him and you act all mean and intimidating, you'll scare him off for good.
Oh, I see what you're doing here.
Since I'm home, you want me to be the bad cop so you can be the good cop, right? Oh, please let me be the good cop.
I've been the bad cop for so long.
You know, I can act mean and intimidating.
Casting directors don't see me that way, but I can do it.
Baby, you can.
Don't mess with me, punk.
Huh? Who could resist that arrest? Come here! Ho! Is that TV's David Hobbs? I've got some exciting news for you.
Marcus, why did you write an episode where my TV daughter dates an older boy? Now Emily thinks she can date an older boy.
Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.
The daughter in your show was 16 and that boy could suck out snake venom.
That's what I said.
But I still got to meet this kid tonight.
Oh, you know, I'd feel sorry for you if you didn't lead such a charmed life in every other way.
Now, if it's okay, can we take a moment when we don't talk about you? Make it fast.
Check out the "See Dad Run" fan club.
"Fan club presents star David Hobbs and head waiter Marcus Barnes.
" And it's sold out.
Man, how about that? "Head Waiter"? No, it's supposed to say "Head Writer"! This is worse than the typo they had in Celebrity Weekly that said I was the show's "Dead Writer.
" I forgot about that.
Yeah, well, you go ahead and enjoy that.
But mt wife, she gave me a memorial pool party that night.
That's terrible.
What? You were there.
To celebrate your life.
Hey, dad, can I ask a question at the fan night? Sure, Joe.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna ask the best question.
Maybe I'll ask a better one.
What are you gonna ask? You're five.
It doesn't matter what I ask.
I'm cute.
All right.
Baby, what do you want to ask? Will there be cake? Well, you might want to ask the head waiter.
Marcus? Hey, Joe, when Matthew gets here, could you not wear that cape? It's kind of embarrassing.
Okay, it's not a cape.
It's a towel for my neck shivers.
I rapidly lose heat through my neck now that I've lost my baby fat.
Yeah, I'm gonna tell Matthew it's a cape.
Okay, I've got a 20 on Matthew Pearson.
He's coming in five, four, three, two Matthew's here! This is the biggest day of my life! Everybody act normal and take off your capes! Wow, this should be good.
Hi, Emily.
Come in, Matthew.
This is my family.
Sorry this is so lame.
I promise it'll be quick.
And, yes, my brother's wearing a cape.
It's an honor to meet you, Mr.
Hobbs.
Oh, please.
Call me "sir.
" Oh, okay, sir.
I hope you like flowers, Mrs.
Hobbs.
Oh, why thank you, Matthew.
That's so thoughtful.
Thanks.
Aw, rookie mistake.
You forgot about Emily.
Actually, I, uh, I brought this one.
Oh.
I guess I sat on it.
Thanks, Matthew.
It smells like French fries.
Yeah, I just came from work.
What is that, a box of drugs? They're cupcakes for you, sir.
People Magazine says they're your favorite.
Cupcakes, please.
What a kiss-up, huh? This guy.
Actually, Matthew, I'm more of a scone guy, but, uh, since I'm such a gracious host, I will try one of your cupcakes.
Ugh! They're horrible.
Especially the lemon chiffon with the butter cream frosting.
Mmm, oh.
I'm so here, maybe I can return it for some scones.
Well, well, I will figure out a way to get them down.
It's okay.
Okay.
These are for you guys.
There's some coupons for some free cheeseburgers.
Ooh, he's a keeper.
I'd rather have a cupcake.
Hey, hey, hey.
Back off, sister.
You got a coupon.
Sir, you're as funny in real life as you are on "See Dad Run.
" You watch the show? Yeah, I've seen every episode.
Oh, yeah, every episode? Which one's your favorite? Uh, the one where dad gets stuck in the piano.
Hilarious.
Okay.
What was that one called? "Dad gets stuck in a piano"? Ooh.
He's good.
You know, I'm even going to the fan club event coming up.
I already got my ticket in case it sells out.
And it did.
Man.
Smart kid.
Yeah.
Too smart.
And too tall.
Isn't he freakishly tall? I think he's wearing lifts.
David, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure.
Excuse me.
You're supposed to take him down.
What happened to Dirty Harry? You suddenly became sheriff Andy of mayberry.
Come on, honey.
Everybody loves Andy.
Hey, come on.
Besides, this kid's starting to grow on me.
That's my cue.
Wow, look at the time.
So sorry you have to go, Matthew.
Um, okay.
David, weren't there, uh, a couple questions you wanted to ask, uh, Matthew? I have a question.
What happens in the episode where David tricks his children into painting the entire house? They mess up and paint over the windows.
It's classic.
It was classic.
Just like this evening.
It was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.
Hobbs and sir.
You passed.
Pick me up tomorrow.
Okay.
I'll bring scones! No.
No, no, no.
Cupcakes! Cupcakes are good! He's a keeper.
Great shot, David.
Nine iron, Kevin, please? Mm, kitchen window's open.
Slight breeze from the right.
Really? Dad, dad! Ew.
That's ugly.
You busy? Well, just gonna have to dig myself out of a sand trap, but that's it.
I've got it.
Perfect question for fan night.
Oh.
Okay, let's hear it.
Wait! Continue.
"Mr.
Hobbs, lots of kids at my school "have stay-at-home dads.
"Do you think more dads are doing that because you played such a funny one on TV?" Wow, Joe.
That's a really good question.
In your cute little face.
I have one.
Why didn't they ever do an episode where daddy marries a mermaid under the sea? Because how would you shoot a TV show under the sea? That would be my follow-up.
I need a follow-up? Oh, hey, guys.
How was your date? We had the best time.
Yeah.
We went whale watching.
We both love whales.
Me and your mom, it was plankton.
- Cool.
- I'll go get us some snacks.
Thanks, thanks.
Uh, in whale, they would say Now Emily's doing a beautiful humpback.
I have no idea what this clown is doing.
Let's just get back to our game of golf.
Hey, that'll work.
Okay.
- That's a good swing, sir.
- Thank you.
Oh, but with the controller, you get extra distance when you exaggerate the follow-through.
The follow-through, yep.
You got to finish what you start.
You play a lot of video golf? Actually, I prefer to get out on the course.
I'm captain of the golf team at school.
- Really? - Yes, sir.
Uh, first off, just square up your shoulders.
Yeah, you've got to square them up like a box, all right? Okay.
Great shot.
Look at this! This ball went 300 yards! This kid is awesome.
Well, thank you, sir.
You call me David.
"David"? I have no idea how to stop this.
Dad, Matthew didn't come here to play golf with you.
Birdie! Yes! Ooh! Oohuh, um I, uh sorry.
I thought we were doing the birdie.
This is a sweet jam.
I love this song.
Me too.
I downloaded it.
All right, ready? Cross over.
Okay.
This is so wrong.
Yet oddly hypnotic.
How did this happen? It's Matthew's fault.
Hey! I'm thinking about wearing this to the fan club event tonight.
What do you think? Ooh, I like it.
Makes me wonder, "How's the veal?" "What are the specials?" Hey, guess whose got a tee-time at riviera this weekend.
You and me.
Nope.
Me and Matthew.
Why do I even come over here? To get away from your wife.
Yeah, you right about that.
Hey! How's my daughter and her whale-loving, captain of the golf team boyfriend? It's over with Matthew.
I never want to see his face again.
Ooh.
You gonna have a house full of tears and drama.
I'll be okay.
Hey, what's up? Can I have that red velvet? The red velvet one.
Yeah, let me get that one.
I have to get another friend.
This is Emily, can we talk about this? Look, I know that we're both hurting right now, but I just need to understand what happened.
Hello? I'm home.
Mom! Matthew! Oh, no, he didn't.
Oh, that's terrible.
He said I Well, did you tell him that? Dad! David.
Me? What? I didn't this is whales.
We don't understand a word you just said.
Welcome to my world.
Emily texted Matthew and broke up with him.
She is convinced that he likes you more than her.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Honey, you're jumping to conclusions.
He made a CD.
See that? How romantic.
It's for you, dad! It is not.
"David's sweet jams.
" Really? I mean, really? No, Emily, Emily.
Please, can we talk about this? Sweetie.
David, you have done enough, okay? Leave the poor child be.
I love being good cop.
I broke them up, Amy.
I stole Emily's boyfriend.
I'll tell you, it's not fair.
I don't know why my overwhelming appeal has to hurt my daughter.
You didn't steal him.
Oh, I stole him.
She never stood a chance.
Honey, he's been a fan for a long time.
Oh, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
You're right.
This kid was using Emily to get to me.
Honey, they're kids.
They're kids.
It didn't work out.
It's as simple as that.
No, you don't see it, Amy.
I'm telling you, this boy's been plotting this.
He's been waiting for Emily to get old enough so that he could date her so he could come to our house and rub elbows with America's number one dad.
Okay, okay.
We'll go with that.
This kid, he broke my daughter's heart.
And nobody breaks my little girl's heart.
- Nobody.
- I'm gonna take this punk down.
Take him down, David.
I'm gonna hit him where he lives, honey.
I'm gonna deprive him of the thing he loves most me.
You hit him hard, David.
You hit him hard.
- I'm gonna text him.
- You text him.
Wait, what? All right.
"Don't show your face at the fan club tonight.
I never want to see you again.
" All right.
Whoa.
I just took a picture.
Well, now I know how to do that.
Oh, cool.
All right, and send.
- And you send it, David.
- All right.
Okay, now take a picture of us.
And then on the second take, when I opened the door, Marcus, who was constantly pulling pranks, was standing there in a full samurai outfit with the sword.
He was doing that all the time because he liked to keep it, you know, light and easy on the set.
Um, I-I don't know where he is, guys.
I-I hope he's okay.
I'm sure that you folks would really like to hear from the head waiter.
Compassionate and comedic.
You are truly the fascinating Mr.
Hobbs.
Well, it pains me to say this, but we only have time for a few more questions.
Go ahead, Joe.
Ask your question.
Oh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, my son Joe.
Okay.
A lot of my friends have stay-at-home dads.
Do you think that's because you played such a funny one on TV? Such an insightful question.
One I'd wished I'd asked myself.
Why? Because I'm cute.
Uh, Joe, do you have a question? Um Will there gonna be cake? Mermaids? Hey, I'm cute too.
Yes, you are.
And that's a very handsome cape.
I have a question.
It's Matthew Pearson! I'm calling security.
I'll take care of this.
Whoa, you are something else.
What'd you think, you were just gonna come in here and ask me what? How I stay in such fantastic shape with a tough, grueling shooting schedule? How dare you! It was spinning, by the way.
Actually, sir, my question's for your daughter.
Excuse me? Why did you break up with me, Emily? Because you obviously like my dad more than me.
No.
I don't.
Look, I'm not really a fan.
Okay, I don't even watch "See Dad Run.
" Cut his mic! Cut his mic! Do you know how hard it was to sit through all 200 episodes of that thing in one week? Why is his mic not being cut, Kevin? I only did it because I like you so much I wanted to impress your dad.
That is so romantic.
Oh, now I get it, dad.
Matthew was using you to get to me.
I can see that.
And the CD he made was just a ploy.
I get it.
I bet he even let you win at fake golf.
That's enough into the mic, young lady.
Bravo.
What a compelling hobbsian moment between father and daughter.
Wait! Oh, wait.
What did I do to you, David? Huh? What? How come you don't want to see my face? - What are you talking about? - Look, look.
"I don't want to see your face at the fan club tonight.
I don't ever want to see you again.
" With a picture of you two mocking me.
Marcus.
Marcus.
That wasn't meant for you.
That was meant for Matthew.
Matthew? I knew you would never say that to me.
Um, I would have been here earlier, people, but I had car trouble.
That's why I'm crying, trying to get here.
Um, make sure you change your oil, people.
You hear that, Matthew? Huh? David never wants To see your face ag Now you cut the mic? Come on! Yay! Birdie! Hey, Janie.
Who's your new friend? Kenny.
He lives down the street.
Oh, well, hey, why don't you, uh, tell me something about yourself? He loves your show, daddy.
It's his favorite.
I'm not buying it, Kenny.
You're not gonna charm your way into this house by kissing up to me.
You're funny.
Really? You think I'm funny? Yeah.