Sherri (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

la, la, la, la la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Sherri: i'll be right out! How many outfits have have we seen now? I zoned out after the velvet hip-Huggers.
America has voted And this is the winner.
Oh, you are right! I didn't vote.
Shut it.
That is a first-Date outfit.
I want it to say "sexy, but i'm not giving it up.
"I'm strong but vulnerable.
I know how to cook, but i'd rather you do it.
" To me it just says, "boobs!" I don't know why you're going through all this trouble.
You know what your date's doing right now? He's wondering whether or not he should change his underwear.
She hasn't had a real date in 10 years.
15! I just peed a little.
Sherri, you have nothing to worry about.
No, i don't know if this is such a good idea, Me dating my son's pediatrician.
Bo hasn't had all his shots yet.
And what if it doesn't work out? What if it does? Then i guess the shots would be free.
Oh, god.
You know what? This is just insane Me dating again.
I thought that i would have all of my meals with the same man Over and over with nothing to talk about.
Whatever happened to that dream? Why are you making such a fuss? Dating is dating.
It never changes.
Oh, it's changed.
Guys are watching a lot more porn.
They want us to Wait a minute! You are not talking about porn in front of my dad! Let your girlfriend finish her thought.
I just don't want to blow this.
I mean, what if i'm talking And i accidentally spray food out of my mouth? Or what if he's one of those guys That reaches across the plate and grabs my food? I will cut his hand off.
Don't worry, baby.
This dr.
Gregg might be the man of your dreams.
Oh, nice going! Now he won't! What? Why not? Because you can't say it out loud.
It's like a hat on the bed bad luck.
Now you gotta turn around and spit three times.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You face east and jump up and down.
Nuh-Unh.
You shake your money at the moon.
No, no, that's when you want to bowl 300.
Oh, no, that's one you shave one leg.
And what do you do If the people that are giving you dating advice Are all insane?! Oh, i know.
[ Door closes .]
What's insane is that her date is not for three hours.
Not a word.
You know, i was really nervous about tonight, But it turned out to be a lot of fun.
Yeah, it did.
[ Chuckles .]
So, i, uh, guess this is the part where one of us should say, "We should do this again sometime.
" I'd like that to be you.
[ Chuckling .]
okay.
We should do this again sometime.
We should.
I'll call you.
[ Chuckling .]
okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Ooh! Oh! Ow! Wow.
Ow! Sorry.
Sherri, i'm sure it wasn't that bad.
No, it was.
We knocked each other around.
It was like being in bumper cars.
Ohh, have i been there.
Oh, you had an awkward first kiss? Oh, no, i'm sorry.
I was only half-Listening.
I thought we were talking about having sex in bumper cars.
You know, one bad kiss doesn't mean anything.
It's true.
You know, sometimes you got to teach a guy how to kiss.
I kind of got famous for that in my neighborhood.
[ Laughs .]
I don't know how it happened.
I had been planning that kiss all night long in my head.
And then when he actually moved in, i turned.
It was like my body had a mind of its own.
And i don't know why, 'cause i actually like the guy.
I should call him and explain.
No, sorry.
You absolutely cannot call him.
She needs to call him.
She's too old to be playing these games.
Did i say "old"? I'm on your side.
No, no calls.
Okay, look.
Women get to decide the first time to have sex.
Men get to decide when to make the first phone call.
It's their little piece of power.
They get very upset if you take that away from them.
Is that the wisdom you learned in the bumper cars? I mean, i-I have to call him.
Right now he probably thinks i'm a freak.
Oh, great, i got his voicemail.
Hey, randy.
It's sherri.
Sherri robinson.
From last night.
And the previous seven years at your pediatric office.
Not as a patient, of course.
I have a grown-Up doctor.
Not that you're not grown-Up.
Obviously, you've grown up.
And very nicely.
That was a lot of fun last night, And you said that we should do it again, And i totally agree.
But that thing at the end, i can explain Damn it, it cut me off.
This is the hand of god.
God hung up that phone for you.
No, i can fix this.
You couldn't fix this with garlic and an albino cat.
Hi, randy! It's sherri again, from last night.
Uh, i just wanted to finish my thought, And as i said, great time last night.
[ Chuckles .]
but i think we can both agree that kiss? [ Laughs .]
That kiss.
Whoo! That kiss.
Wow, that was one for the record books.
I mean, the bad record books.
I don't know if they keep bad record books.
I don't, but some athletic departments do.
No more.
Why did you do that? I would have tasered you, but i left it under my desk.
Are these those magical depositions That can fly to court on their own? I'm going, summer.
I'm going.
Uh-Huh.
Just as i suspected.
Not one of these files has our code on them.
And if they don't have our code on them, How is anyone going to know They came from my paralegal department? You know what you are? Code-Dependent.
[ Laughs .]
I'll do it in the cab.
What if he calls? And what if the sun explodes? Okay, you see where i'm going with that? Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
Oh, a taxi thank god! Excuse you.
I'm sorry.
Are you getting out? "I'm sorry.
Are you getting out?" Yeah.
Was that a yes? I'm sorry.
I'm in such a rush.
Relax! Keep your acrylics on.
They refill the bargain bin like every three hours.
Not for nothing, if i wasn't such a lady, I'd rip your neck out! It's all yours, carmela.
Oh, hey, wait! You forgot your Sorry, i don't speak jersey! Oh, well, then, i guess you wouldn't understand.
[ Singsong .]
you forgot your phone.
My phone! [ Sighs .]
What? He's coming down now to see me? [ Breathing heavily .]
A partner is coming! A partner is coming! Which one? The only one that matters bart peaslee.
He is a golden-Haired legal dynamo.
And he's only been down here once before, And that was for phyllis.
Oh, phyllis.
Oh, phyllis.
Hey, what ever happened to her? She went back to serbia to sell bread.
Someone in this mailroom has stolen my daughter's phone.
This is the paralegal department.
Oh, the pretend lawyers.
Yes, that's right, mr.
Peaslee.
It is such an honor.
Your article about the digital millennium copyright act, I'm not embarrassed to say, it's on my bedroom wall.
You scare me a little.
Andi like that.
Now, all i know is my daughter called her therapist.
Her therapist called me, And i will not hear the end of this until i find the phone.
Oh, you seem stressed.
How can i help? Well I'm looking for a tall, blond girl with a jersey accent.
Oh, there's nobody down here like that.
At the moment.
Well, now, just so you're clear, This female garden-Stater Was carrying a box with our logo on it.
Unprovoked, she forcibly ejected my innocent daughter From said vehicle and absconded with her phone! [ Laughs .]
am i still dressed? This is absolutely a mistake! There is no one down here like that! And we don't even know what "absconded" means.
Because we're paralegals.
Well, just tell me who i'm supposed to fire, Because at this point, all of you look flammable.
Sir, as the manager of the paralegal department, I can assure you whoo! Did you feel that connection? Is it safe? Not really.
Peaslee is saying you stole his daughter's phone.
Oh, please.
She left it in the cab.
I tried to give it back to her, but she was so mean.
All bart's daughter needs Is a firm, loving, stepmotherly hand.
You got to return the phone.
Yeah, you're on the verge of getting us all fired.
But if i return the phone, then i'll get fired.
Nobody is getting fired.
We can return this phone.
We just need a plan.
Uh, no plans, no schemes.
I cannot sanction this tomfoolery! You can be in on it.
Oh, goody, 'cause i have a plan! Soput it in an interoffice envelope And then drop it in the mail cart, And no one will know where it came from.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Let's go pick out the envelope together, huh? You know, i had that same idea, But it was so 3rd-Grade, i was ashamed to say it.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Sherri, it's your phone! It's ringing! It's randy! Oh! [ Laughing .]
Hello.
Hello? Ah, damn, i missed it! Oh, it's okay.
We'll just wait for the voicemail beep.
| | [ Clears throat .]
You know what? The important thing is, is that he called you.
So just call him back.
Without a message? Really? Who raised you? Do i call? Do i not call? What do i wear? Add braces and a pair of m.
C.
Hammer pants, I'm right back in high school.
Well, welcome back to the wonderful world of dating.
Not for me.
I don't think so.
I'm working, i'm acting, i got a kid.
I got enough going on.
I don't need to be dating.
[ Cellphone clatters .]
Me neither.
Hey, do any of you guys have any of those estrogen pills? 'Cause i think my sideburns are growing back.
Does it look Could you feel it? Just real quick, 'cause i Oh ooh, yeah.
Announcer: she was the president of her quilting club, A crossing guard at the local middle school, And a doting wife to her husband, wayne.
| | Is it possible she could be capable of murder? Ohh! Of course it's possible! She has three registered handguns, And she cuts her own hair! How many people helped you pick out this outfit? Three.
Me, ben, and jerry.
Shh! This is the good part.
This woman is about to lose her mind.
You talking about the show or you? Daddy, don't give me a hard time.
I just want to stay home, relax, And watch some women kill their husbands.
I see what you're doing.
You're going into your hibernation mode.
It's only been a few days.
We've been down this road, Every time you get upset about something.
Remember that summer you let your cousins Talk you into relaxing your hair Off? I needed time to regroup and regrow.
Now you need to get up and get out.
No.
Young lady, as long as you live in my house, You will live by my rules.
This is my house, and i don't even know why you're here.
'Cause i'm worried about you.
Bo is at a sleepover.
Why don't you go put on some real clothes, And i'll take you out for some fun? Can't i at least wait till the end? She's about to bury him alive! I'm gonna show you how to have fun.
la-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la la la mixed up and lost you showed me love at no cost and when nobody else cared you were there down on my luck you helped my life get unstuck and when the world went away you stayed thank you for the good times thank you for the joy you've given me yeah, yeah, thank you la-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la la la la-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la-La-La-La-La-La-La la la la [ Wolf-Whistles .]
You're looking pretty fancy today.
What's up with that? Oh, nothing.
I'm just going out with someone special.
[ Laughs .]
i knew it! I said he would call again, and he did, And you didn't want to tell me 'Cause you hate it when i'm right, But now you got to give it to me.
[ Laughs .]
ah I was right.
Randy didn't call.
I'm going to dinner with my dad.
What?! Again? No.
No? Why no? He takes you to the movies, the clubs, out to eat.
You went on a dinner cruise.
Sherri.
Celia.
Angie.
You're dating your dad.
No, i'm not.
That is ridiculous.
Then what are you doing? I'm simply enjoying the company Of someone who loves me, Wants me to be happy, and is showing me a good time.
Oh, my god, i'm dating my dad! All i'm saying is the third date is gonna be very awkward.
No.
Bart peaslee's on his way down.
Twice in one year.
I wonder what the draw could be.
Maybe he knows where the phone came from.
Or maybe he wants to continue Our dignified, unspoken flirtation.
Whatever it is, i will be in bathroom stall number four.
[ Gasps .]
He has the envelope, the interoffice envelope! You are the worst criminal ever.
Look what i found in my "Whenever the hell i get around to it" box.
Anything you want to tell me, miss dickie? You're very powerful and magnetic? Yes, i got your note.
And i'll think about it.
Still, i can't have employees who steal from my children.
I already have a house full of those.
Mr.
Peaslee, i don't know where that envelope came from.
Isn't that your department code on the top there? Now she uses the code? You've got to be kidding me.
Miss dickie, i have to hold you responsible.
Me? Excuse me, mr.
Peaslee? I love my job.
It's the only time i feel i'm doing anything of value in this world.
But i have to tell you, I'm the one who found your daughter's phone.
So if you're gonna fire anybody, it should be me.
Okay, you're fired.
Actually, mr.
Peaslee, I took her phone.
She was trying to protect me.
You're fired.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
I'm the one who took the phone.
They're all just trying to protect me.
You're fired! This is not the man whose face i made into a snow globe.
That man would know that we are not a typing pool.
We are the paralegal department, The backbone of this law firm.
There is not a contract, motion, file, or brief That we don't research, write, and put your name on.
Nobody here stole your daughter's phone.
Now, i know you're not used to this, But check your facts.
And then check your daughter.
Oh, snap! [ Screams .]
[ Women laughing .]
[ Laughter stops .]
Nobody's getting fired.
And i think i'm looking at the fourth mrs.
Bart peaslee.
Of course, i'm still on number two.
This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Celia: way to step up, summer! Wow, summer, you were fearless and strong.
You make me proud to be a woman.
[ Stammering .]
Bart, can you just shoot me an e-Mail When things are crumbling with wife number three? I'd just like to be ready.
What I'll take the new york strip, pittsburgh style Rare on the inside, charred on the outside With the hash browns and the creamed spinach.
How is your tomato? If it's good, i'll have the tomato-Onion salad.
If not, give me the shrimp cocktail.
You know what? Bring 'em both.
Are you being executed tomorrow? I'll have whatever's left.
Sherri, i have something i have to say to you.
Dad, before you even start, i have something to say.
I love spending time with you.
This has been so much fun.
But we got to take a little break from each other.
I mean, it's not you, it's me.
I know it's not me.
That's why i'm giving you the old heave-Ho, too.
You can't break up with me.
I'm breaking up with you.
Well, i don't care how we do it as long as we do it.
Now, you can tell the story whatever way you want.
That's fine.
We can still be friends.
Okay, buddy.
Then it's your turn to pick up the check tonight.
[ Laughs .]
no, really, am i paying? [ Laughs .]
Cancel the shrimp cocktail! Bring the shrimp cocktail! Sweetheart, i love spending time with you.
I treasure every minute, I wouldn't change it for the world, But i just wanted to get you off that couch.
And you did, dad.
I'm so grateful that you did.
But i am not the one who should be seeing you smile, Hearing you laugh.
I'm not the fellow you should be saying good night to.
You know that.
[ Sighs .]
You know, dad, the thing about dating is, It's supposed to be exciting.
It's supposed to be hopeful.
All i have is fear.
And after kevin, i know how this thing can turn out.
I-I'm scared to even start.
Oh, baby, that's all right.
You know, you can still do it.
If you're scared, do it scared.
Sherri.
Hi.
Hi.
I want to explain my message "S.
" No need to explain.
Possibly no way to explain.
I called you back.
I know, and i'm returning your call in person.
And hopefully, this message will be a little more clear.
Mmm.
That message i will be playing back later.
That was the good-Night kiss i meant to give you When we went out.
It was worth waiting for.
Well, this is the part where one of us should say, "I'll call you.
" Oh, i'll call you.
Good night.
Good night.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Hi, randy.