Single Long (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

1
I got cast
in "Hedda Gabler"
last year,
and I decided the best way
to play the jealous husband
was to actually be obsessed
with the woman
who was playing my wife.
(sighs)
It was a pretty long process
about three months
two months of rehearsal,
a month-long run.
And I thought,
"Well, if I'm supposed to be
obsessed with this woman,
I can't be having sex
with anybody else."
But I couldn't
have sex with her
because then I wouldn't
be jealous.
And all I really had to go on
were these pictures of her
on Facebook,
where she was posing
with her boyfriend.
So I took
a three-month-long celibacy
and I masturbated
every day, twice a day,
to fantasies of this woman
that I conjured up.
I saw her every night
at rehearsal
and I didn't say
a word to her.
And then I would go home
and I would masturbate
thinking about her.
If I don't have sex
with her soon, I'm gonna
kill myself.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
(car engines
roaring on TV)
(tires squealing)
You know, it's Saturday
again, Isaac.
That means I'm going
to the bar tonight.
- And I wanna know
if you're coming with me.
- Nope.
Pause. Okay, you guys
are way too negative.
There's a whole world
out there.
Speaking of which,
I think I found us a couch.
I don't have
enough money for a couch
and we already have one.
First off,
this is a shitty couch.
Second off, we have
17 chairs in here.
I like these chairs, though.
I like this one.
Why did you take
your pants off, man?
Well, because I'm comfortable
with my sexuality.
Dude, come on,
I'm comfortable
with my sexuality.
I'm just also comfortable
with a general level of shame.
And, you know, do you have
any idea how rare it is
to find a free couch
that's also within
walking distance?
I told the chick
we'd be there at 11:00.
Who is coming with me?
- I can't.
- Pete's coming with me.
- I'm busy, though.
- I kind of wanna do
a little drinking.
Isaac: That's fine.
Can you not lift a couch
and drink at the same time?
I say I'm high,
you're drunk
let's do it.
- Unpause.
- No. Whoa, whoa!
(knocks)
- Hey.
- Hi, hi.
- Just take a seat.
- Okay.
So you said that you think
you're having a reoccurrence.
You in pain?
Yeah, kind of.
I think it's back.
Okay, we'll take a look.
Hey,
is that really what a vagina
looks like from the inside?
Come on, let's go.
Get up here.
All right.
Here we go.
- Now, this is gonna feel
a little weird.
- (sighs)
This whole thing's
a little weird.
Is this weird to you?
You probably see vaginas
all day, though, right?
If you relax,
it'll feel better.
Is it weird that
it kind of feels good?
Okay, okay,
it doesn't feel that good.
Yep, yeah, yeah.
It's a reoccurrence.
I'll just prescribe you
some antivirals.
Have you called
Mom and Dad back yet?
You know that
when you don't call them,
they think you're dead.
I know.
I'll give them a call
as long as this isn't showing up
on any of their insurance bills.
- Are you sure this is it?
- I think so.
Man, this is way, way,
way, way, way farther
than you said it was.
There's no way we're gonna
be able to take a couch
from here all the way
back home.
Dude, we walked here.
We can walk back.
- Not with a couch.
- We'll call Noah.
- (doorbell rings)
- We just gotta get this done.
- What's this woman's name?
- I don't know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Isaac.
This is Pete.
I can't remember
your name,
but we're here
to get your couch.
Yeah,
you're 25 minutes late.
- Hi.
- (woman sighs)
Okay, here it is.
It has a steel bottom.
- It's European, so it's gonna
be kind of heavy.
- Great.
No problem.
Great couch.
- (sighs)
- Pete, do this thing?
- On three?
- All right.
Both:
One, two, three.
- (both grunting)
- No, no.
- You drop it.
- Ow!
- I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
- Fuck!
Dude, I can't
it's awkward as fuck.
I'm not gonna be able
to get this.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
So if you can't do it now,
I'm gonna call Goodwill.
- Okay.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Well, that's
- Look, we're two young,
healthy, strong men.
It's fine.
Pete, right here.
High-five across.
Switch.
Isaac, are you sure
it's even worth it?
- It's kind of a shitty couch.
- It is not a shitty couch.
We're lifting on three.
One, two, three.
- Yes! We're doing it.
We're doing it.
- Go, go, go, go.
- We got it.
We got it.
- (bangs)
- Oh, no.
- Woman: Be careful.
Those are my
- Oh, shit.
- Okay. That's my belongings.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- I'm just gonna try
- Woman: I feel a little bit
bad for you.
I'm just gonna
dip this in here.
I'm just curious.
Sorry, I got cheese in it.
I'm sorry.
I actually
I gotta head out soon.
What time is it?
I have a photo shoot
in an hour
and I still have
to pick up my clothes.
Wow, look at you.
You're getting paid
to model now?
Not really, but it's for
this showcase I'm doing.
They wanna take
they wanna make
a promotional poster
of all the acts
I'm doing stand-up for,
which is kind of cool.
- Wow.
- So, yeah.
About this shoot
do you know the photographer?
Um, no.
He's actually
we found him on Craigslist,
which means he's doing
a time for print,
which is free for us
and he gets to build
his portfolio,
which is awesome because
some photographers'
stuff is okay,
but his stuff
is actually pretty decent.
Ayla, that's not safe.
Okay.
Listen,
I am a Craigslist pro.
You have no idea
how to navigate this site.
I can always tell the posts
that are gonna kill you.
This one was
totally normal, so
Do you believe in
medically speaking,
- in the effects
of marijuana?
- No.
I literally feel
like I cannot focus
on things sometimes.
I feel like if I can
just tone it down,
I could be really productive
in a very healthy way.
Try yoga.
You're a really
good doctor.
I mean it.
I don't think I'd be
such a good doctor.
I think you would.
You just decided not
to apply to med school.
You're trying this out,
and you need to.
It's sort of hot
in this novel way.
And then, once you do it
a bunch of times,
you're kind of like,
"Well, this is
I've done this already."
And so, one time,
he was like,
"Oh, well, let's kind of
make things exciting.
Do you have a dildo
you can use?"
And I'm like,
"No, well, I don't."
And so, he's like,
"Can you improvise?"
I'm like looking around
in my room.
I'm like, "Well,
here's this beer bottle."
And so I
use it.
And it's a little
uncomfortable,
but it's actually
kind of hot.
And then, of course,
because I've just used
a fucking beer bottle,
I get a urinary tract
infection,
which hurts like a bitch,
by the way.
It has this frill to it,
which I think could
be really cute.
Tell you what
maybe you can wear
one of mine.
- Like, wear that shirt?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Why don't you wear this one?
- Okay, um, sure.
- Let me great.
- Just put this on.
Tell me how this feels.
Yeah, feels good.
Mm-hmm.
Let's see.
- Okay. Looks good.
- Oh, great.
Okay.
Don't struggle,
don't fight.
Just let me
okay, yeah.
- Looks good?
- It looks great, yeah.
Thank you for responding
to the Craigslist.
When I saw that
you had responded,
I was like,
"Yes! I want her."
You know?
I mean,
Craigslist can be
so weird, which
Oh, my God, yes,
it really can.
Yeah, I mean, people kept
reporting my post
to the Craigslist authorities
and it kept getting pulled.
I'm glad you're here.
- Couch down.
- Couch down.
Couch down. Okay.
(coughing)
Oh, my God.
- Oh, God, it fucking hurts.
- Okay? We got it.
I just gotta get
a second wind.
Then I gotta get
a third wind.
And then then we're
gonna be good to go.
- I'm gonna lie down.
- (groans)
- Hey, could you call Noah?
- I did, but he's not gonna
get back to us.
- He knows what
we're calling about.
- Aww.
Hey, speaking of which,
when was the last time
when was the last time
you heard from Ayla?
I texted her
a couple of days ago,
and I never heard back.
You got a little thing
for Ayla, don't you?
No, I don't.
We're just friends, man.
We're just friends.
Wanna hang out.
- Bullshit, dude.
- I enjoy her company.
- You fuckin' wanna drink
her bathwater.
- Shut up.
- Couch up.
- Couch up?
All right, let's go.
- Third wind.
- All right.
- You know what
between you and me
- Uh-huh.
I don't think
it matters anyway.
I think Amanda and I
are gonna get back together.
- Been texting
- Hold on. Couch down.
- Couch down?
What are we doing?
- Couch down. Couch down.
Fuck Amanda.
Aman dude, come on.
Where are you going?
Isaac.
- (music playing)
- Yeah, that's great.
That is great.
- (laughs)
- Yeah. That is great, yeah.
Oh, my God, I wanna
put you in my pocket.
Oh, so cute.
Yes.
I can't believe I thought
you were gonna kill me.
Like, I seriously thought
you were gonna kill me.
- I know, right?
Me? That's not who I am.
- No!
I mean, I'm a little weird,
I guess, but I'm not a killer.
All right.
Okay, let's make
some goofy faces.
All right,
all right, let's
Give me that big one.
Give me a big goofy face.
- (squealing)
- Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Goofy eyes, yes.
Yeah!
Give me that guy,
that old chestnut.
Ahem.
My ex used to make
that face.
I'm sorry.
I don't know
what's gotten into me.
- It's okay.
- (crying)
Just just let it out.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, I just
(sniffles)
Once it starts, I just
I can't get it to stop.
We just got into
this huge fight and
I'm so sorry.
I feel so stupid about this,
but I just can't
- I can't
- (music stops)
(camera clicking)
All right.
All right.
All right.
- Hey.
- Yo.
- What do we got? Ooh.
- A present.
- Nice beer.
- Yeah.
- Right on, man.
- (sighs)
Dude, this is great.
I love this couch.
I don't even like it;
I love it.
I am so looking forward
to sitting on this couch
all day.
- Aw, man.
- We did a good thing
today, man.
- This is some good shit.
- We're killing it, man.
We're living in Chicago,
basically no money.
I'd call this surviving.
The bare minimum.
And you know what
hey, free couch.
- That's a luxury item.
- Yeah.
I mean, I might get
to keep all that money
I made last week
at the hip-hop-themed
bar mitzvah
I was taking pictures at.
And if I play
my cards right,
I think I just might be able
to keep my bank account
in three digits
for another day.
- Cheers to that.
- All right.
Hey, I think I might have
found our first matchup
on Single Long.
- What?
- Yeah.
Who'd we match up?
I'm thinking urinary tract
infection girl
and masturbating
actor guy.
- Masturbating actor ooh!
- Yeah.
- Ooh, I see that.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
- Makes total sense.
I never would have
thought of that.
- But now that you say it,
it makes total sense.
- Yeah.
I mean, they have
very similar energies.
They're both very lonely,
very weird.
But you know what
if two people like that
can get together,
I think there's
a little bit of hope.
Think about it
if you flip a coin up
in the air a hundred times,
eventually you're bound
to get a winner, right?
I mean,
that's just math,
isn't it?
That's some
bleak math, dude.
Is that us?
Math is a sexy,
sexy beast.
Now I'm into hip hop ♪
I used to be into punk ♪
Maybe I'm a loser ♪
- But at least
I've got funk ♪
- (sighs)
All you want is
talk, talk, talk ♪
But I'm just drinking
to get drunk ♪
And your sunglasses ♪
And my old hat ♪
Well, I've got everything
that I need ♪
Please don't look
at me like that ♪
You know
that I'll miss you ♪
More than you
will miss me back ♪
(beeping)
We're sitting
on that couch ♪
I'm still laughing
at what you said ♪
(chattering)
(coughing)
(coughing)
(microwave beeping)
Do you guys want
a pizza roll?
I might go away ♪
I wanna start a band ♪
It's not that
I'm not happy ♪
My life just feels
too planned ♪
I'm about
to fly off now ♪
But I will call you
when I land. ♪