Single Parents (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Lettuce
1 [Cellphone dinging, vibrating.]
It's 8:30 in the morning.
You've already found a way to irritate me.
Hey, hey, hey! Give Miggy a break, Douglas.
He has to be on his phone, that's where all the ladies are! Right.
Right.
This phone's blowing up with ladies.
My DMs be poppin'.
That means his direct messages are filling up with lady inquiries.
Miggy's teaching me all the lingo.
Mm.
WILL: Pink flyer! Oh, God.
I hope it's not lice again.
No kidding.
I can't keep shaving Emma and Amy's heads.
It's flu season.
One kid's already got it.
I bet it's Topher.
That kid licks everything.
Thank God Sophie already got her flu shot.
Yeah, flu shots are for the weak.
Fogertys don't get sick.
It's family policy.
I don't allow it.
You know, I usually ignore the nonsense that comes out of your mouth, but this I have to hear so, you, Douglas Fogerty, never get sick because you don't allow it? That's exactly right.
I'm the boss of my own body.
When I was in my early 20s, I was short, and then I decided not to be.
Graham hasn't gotten his shot yet.
It's his biggest fear.
Ho'd up! Ho'd up! - I taught him that.
- What? Did you know that they developed a flu shot in mist form? He doesn't have to get the shot.
He can just breathe it in.
Yeah, I know, but they only make the mist in limited quantities and we haven't yet made it onto our pediatrician's "Mist List," so we're gonna have to suffer through the shot again.
But there's no way it could be as bad as it was last year.
Everything looks good! The doctor will be right in for your shot.
You're being so brave.
I'm really proud of you.
[Alarm ringing.]
Well, that's handled.
I won't even tell you about the time he bit the receptionist.
But thank God for Dr.
Dewan.
She scares the hell out of me, but she's a genius.
Wait.
You see Dr.
Dewan? - You're still seeing her? - Mm-hmm.
See, we had to find a new pediatrician.
I just felt like such a bad parent after every visit, - I'd wind up binging "Teen Mom.
" - Right? I have to schedule five minutes after every appointment so I can cry in my car.
It's incredible.
I have been trying to get Sophie an appointment with her for four months.
Please let us tag along.
Seeing Dr.
Dewan give a flu shot is on my actual bucket list.
Fine.
You can tag along, but please never show me your bucket list, because that sounds like a real bummer.
I can't believe I'm going to meet the Dr.
Dewan, the premier pediatrician in Southern California.
Just ask one of the six children's health magazines I subscribe to The man needs sex.
All right, sweetie, do you have everything you need to help you get through the shot? What? Is someone talking to me? Look at this office.
It's exactly how I imagined it.
Hey, Little G, how you holding up? Oh, Mom Flu shot Okay, listen, Will.
We are this close to getting on the Mist List, okay? Do not make eye contact, only speak when spoken to, and remember, - we work for her.
- Got it.
Did you put on a dress for this? - Did you get a blowout? - You have no idea how high the stakes are - [Door closes.]
- DR.
DEWAN: Nice to see you, Graham.
He has a walnut allergy.
I can tell by the way he sits.
And you haven't been protecting him from the sun.
Anything less than 100 SPF, and you might as well dip him in butter and strap him to the roof of a car.
Graham, have you been eating your vegetables? - It depends on the - I want to hear from the boy.
Um, for breakfast, I had some chips.
I try to get him vegetables, but It I-I'm busy.
I-I'm a single mom, I work overtime.
It's tough.
You know what's tough? Juvenile diabetes.
You have to force him to eat five to seven servings a day.
Uh, not to be "that guy," but I actually just read a new report that came out.
- It was in Pediatric American.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And it said that parental coercion at the dinner table doesn't actually lead to long-term changes in kids' eating habits.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize we had another medical professional in the room.
Doesn't take a medical professional - to read Pediatric American.
- Thanks for the tip.
I've been published in Pediatric American 10 times.
- 11 times.
- What? I've read everything you've ever written.
Frankly, that's why I expected more from you Hey! Changing the subject! I guess that this isn't the best time to ask if we have any shot at the Mist List this year? After today, what do you think? You ready for your shot, Graham? I blinked and he was just gone.
RORY: Okay, I need feedback on this smock.
Of course it goes with the tights, but then I thought, why not just - A pair of cowboy boots! - A pair of cowboy boots! Yes, Montana realness.
- [Gasps.]
- [Knock on door.]
- Hi.
- Hey, girls.
- No running.
- We're light jogging.
Okay, listen.
I don't have much time to explain.
- I'm sick.
- Sick?! Oh, I thought you didn't "allow" germs? The illness has breached the system.
Okay, now, listen to me.
I need you to watch the girls, because if they see me weak, then the delicate parent-to-child power balance will be disrupted, and that can't happen.
They've already started collecting nursing home brochures.
I'm gonna go to the woods now.
Wait.
The woods? - The metaphorical woods.
- Okay.
I need total isolation.
Douglas, just get over yourself and let me take care of you.
The girls, they they can't see me like this.
I think they'd surprise you.
They aren't psychopaths.
[Tape creaking.]
[Chuckles.]
What were you doing in there? You owe me 30 bucks for this blowout.
I'm sorry, okay? Talking about pediatric dietary guidelines brings out the wild man in me.
I can't see through this mask.
Are we still in the office? Did I get the shot? No, sweetheart, we're gonna have to come back.
- [Vehicle door slams.]
- I will not let you ruin my chance of getting on the Mist List this year.
I can't do this again.
I've been feeding Graham turkey for three days to keep him drowsy.
I am this close to giving him wine.
Now go back in there and apologize.
- She is - Now.
- I - Right now.
- If you - Now.
- But she - Now! - But If - Now.
Now.
I will apologize for my behavior.
- Great.
- But I will not apologize for my beliefs.
3, 2, 1 Start the magic.
[Garbage disposal whirring.]
You girls just saved me $200.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Wait, what? He's where? I put in his prescription and that's when the fever took control.
Next thing you know, I'm watching a grown man try to eat a coloring book.
Hi, guys! Do you think these sunglasses make my face look too small? I mean, the look is punk, but it's also now.
They're a "buy" for me.
Oh, my God.
He's burning up.
The girls can't see me like this - Okay.
- Da-Daddy's waiting for medicine.
It's a cold.
Get a hold of yourself! Terry, you're our father now.
I'm already feeding five birds.
I need to be among the trees.
All right, let's get you up.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
We're gonna need a dolly.
- Well, well.
- [Door closes.]
- Captain Vegetables.
- I, uh I just wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier.
But not my beliefs.
You know, you were right about parental coercion.
It is in the latest Pediatric American.
Told ya.
[Chuckles.]
I was right, you were wrong.
Just please don't take that out on Graham, okay? He really needs the Mist List Have you really read all of my articles? Yes, I have.
Even the ones you write under your pen name, Dr.
Vicky Bradshaw.
I don't have a pen name.
Come on.
Oh, you're good.
Who are you? Where did you come from? Uh, I was born at a very young age.
[Chuckles.]
No, my name's Will Cooper.
I'm from Denver originally, Mile High City.
Why "mile high"? Well, it has something to do with the sea level and the Oh, you just think you're so smart.
You just know it all.
I would never claim to know it all, but I-I definitely think of learning as sort of a life's journey thing Um, you can never know everything.
You're You're always constantly learning.
Like, right now feels like a possible learning experience.
Oh, my God.
You smell so nice.
DOUGLAS: What am I doing here? Who are you? Are you all trees? What happened to you? You used to be a man.
- Keep them away! - Okay, okay.
Girls, weren't you gonna remove that tree stump in the backyard? - Don't let them back - All right.
- No, no, no.
[Groans.]
- Just let go of my sweater.
Oh, my God, what is this sweater wet with? [Gasps.]
All right, I'm gonna go make him some soup.
Make sure he doesn't eat anything that isn't food.
I don't like the way he's been eyeing that remote.
Got it.
This ski lodge, it's a disgrace.
Oh, I am here for this.
They're closing in on us, Diana.
Charles will not rest until we're both dead.
Oh, I love this area.
My head is is very hot.
Rory, your mom is so pretty.
- I wanna kiss your mom.
- Come again? Kiss Poppy's face Kiss that pretty face Ooh.
Twist.
And then, Dr.
Dewan put her hands on my neck like this.
- Ohh.
- And she said to me, "I think your lymph nodes feel fine.
" Right? It was so confusing! Miggy, you know all about the ladies.
Help me out.
Let me guess she gave you her number? Yeah.
What am I gonna do with that? Dating's changed so much since I met Mia.
Now everything's so confusing, with all these apps, like Tinder and Bumble and Candy Crush and Calculator.
It's easier than you think, okay? Just give her as little as possible.
Um, text her a random word and then see how long before she responds.
All right.
I'm gonna text her "lettuce.
" [Chuckles.]
And sent.
- Now we just wait and - [Cellphone chimes.]
Whoa! I wonder if she meant to send that picture.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Or that one.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Or that one.
- [Cellphone chiming.]
- Okay, I think it's safe to assume she means to send these.
- What are they? - Nothing.
I guess, if you must know, they are what people refer to as "sexual text messages" - Oh, okay.
- or "sexages.
" Hey, do you think that Angie would mind if I asked out her pediatrician on a date? I mean, I just don't want to mess up her chance to get on the Mist List.
Pfft.
If anything, you hooking up with this doctor is only gonna help Angie's chances.
- My dude.
- Yeah.
[Groans.]
But no one does dates anymore, a'ight? Sex comes first.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.
- I'm ready for that.
- I know you're ready for that.
I always knew a day would come I'd have to use my body as a bargaining chip.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Whoa, mama! Well, apparently you can use portrait mode on more than just your face.
Someone had a night to remember.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Maybe some video will jog your memory.
Kiss Poppy's pretty face Kiss pretty face That is the ravings of a feverish man.
You're not gonna show that to your mom, are you? Who's to say what I'll do? I'm 7.
I'm not gonna be threatened by a first grader.
Emma? Amy? Get in the car.
I don't think they can hear you.
Oh, they can hear me.
It's happening.
They saw me weak.
Now it's just a matter of time before they feast on my body.
Oh, hey, guys.
Big news.
Tomorrow night, there is a woman coming over to my house, and I'm pretty sure we're going to make sex.
- Ooh! - [Chanting.]
In-ter-course.
In-ter-course.
- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? - Finally.
[Chanting.]
In-ter-course! In-ter-course! - Hi, Susan.
- SUSAN: Come on, honey.
Congratulations.
Some woman out there is gonna have a very mediocre night.
Yeah, she is.
And she's been sending me a bunch of sexages - Ooh! - and I may have sent her one or two myself.
- God! - Oh, good God, man.
- Okay.
Not cool.
- Put your phone away! That's worse than what I thought you were gonna show us.
- I taught you better than that.
- POPPY: Terrible.
So who's the kind of lucky lady? I'll give you three hints.
You know her, you respect her, and it's Dr.
Dewan.
It's Dr.
Dewan? - [Miggy laughs.]
- No, dude.
- [Laughs.]
- Definitely not.
No.
What she means is we don't date people who work with our kids.
It just tends to end in disaster.
Maybe we can make an exception for Will.
I mean, he's an adult man, and damn it, the poor sap deserves to lose his virginity.
Yeah, but the man is wearing two separate pieces of fleece clothing.
Maybe we bend the rules just this once.
Bend the rules? Where were you when I wanted to sleep with the twins' karate sensei? - Master Gary? - Yeah.
He was so disciplined.
Will, this is not happening, okay? I don't want to start all over on some new doctor's Mist List.
You have to end it, but don't make her angry.
- Understand? - Absolutely.
Crystal clear.
Keep her happy, break it off.
- No big deal.
Simple.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
[Whimpers.]
[Sneezes.]
- Oh.
Unh-unh.
- Ah.
Perfect.
You got me sick! I'd ask you to take care of me, but I assume you have some code against that, too? You bet your sick ass I do.
But all you'll be getting out of me is a Z-Pak and the number to my answering service.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Why, hello, Douglas.
- Hey.
Mom, any interest in some video I shot on my phone last night? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You know what? I got a great idea.
Why don't you get to the pharmacy and I'll make sure Rory gets home? - Okay.
- Girls, car.
Hey, Emily Dickinson! How's your fever? Why don't you go curl up with a blanket and write a poem about it? [Laughter.]
What'd I tell you? I lost them.
[Giggles.]
[Sneezes.]
Uh-oh.
No.
Unh-unh.
Bye-bye.
Nice, Douglas.
Real nice.
Okay, Broseph.
Brozilla, what's up? I'm really gonna need your help getting out of this now.
Easy.
See, most people in that situation would be like, "You wanna get rid of a girl? Ghost her.
" But I say, nah, become the opposite of a ghost.
Which is a goblin? A ghoul? N-No, the opposite of a ghost is a mailman.
- Oh.
- You gotta mailman that chick, bro.
How do you mailman someone? [Groans.]
Man Okay, look.
You show up, totally unannounced, at their house.
[Snaps fingers.]
Puh! Oh.
Yeah, okay.
That sounds like a mailman.
Word.
Have you said anything? Not yet, but you know how hard it is to keep a secret, and I'm starting to think that this is a juicy one.
What do you want from me? I think you know what I want.
To go shopping? You just made a huge assumption about who I am as a person.
And you were right on.
I won't take you shopping.
Yes, you will.
- [Seatbelt clicks.]
- To the mall.
Chop-chop.
[Engine starts.]
I got to say, mailmanning feels a little bit like stalking.
Exactly.
It'll freak her ass out, and she won't be into you anymore.
Wow.
Feels kind of thrilling, you know? - Word.
- You're sure it's gonna work? Man, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
What are you doing here? Oh, you know, just, uh, dropping by unannounced at your personal residence.
Off-putting, right? Well, that's just me.
Red Flag City, population one lunatic.
Ding, dong.
It's the mailman.
- The mailman? - Mm-hmm.
I like that.
I gotta know what's in your bag.
Coupons mostly, a couple of real-estate mailers.
This bag's property of the United States Postal Service, and tampering with it is a federal offense.
And also, I don't actually have a mail bag.
And also, I'm not a mailman.
See, the whole reason that I did this thing [Moans.]
[Door closes.]
Yep, I can verify that purchase.
It was, uh, nine pairs of children's Italian loafers.
Th-Th-That's right, and $219 at the robe store.
What? Hold on.
Did you sneak away and buy an espresso machine? It's being delivered.
- Yeah, that was us, too.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
Well, that was the second call from my credit card company.
Are you satisfied? Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied.
Guess the only way to find out is to keep shopping.
Tell you what.
You want my watch? Take my watch.
My grandfather gave this to me when I graduated from medical school, but I can't handle you trying on another tunic.
Wait.
You're going to actually give me your grandfather's watch? Why would you do that unless No.
No, there's there's no reason.
I'm just trying to avoid an embarrassing situation.
You know what I think, Douglas? I think that you actually like my mom and you're scared she'll find out.
Tell me I'm wrong.
You just hesitated.
N-No, I was swallowing.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hesitation! - Can a man even swallow? - We have a hesitation! - No going back! - I was swallowing.
J-J Take the watch.
I don't want that tacky thing.
Just show her you care.
And let's take one last lap for tunics.
I don't think we've found the one yet.
Oh! Mailmanning did not work.
Yeah, I noticed that.
Oh, man.
How did I not know about casual sex before this? It's amazing! We, like, got all naked.
She doesn't even know my middle name.
- Ooh! - [Laughs.]
[Cellphone vibrating.]
- Oh, no.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
Angie! - Hey.
- Always a treat.
I thought I'd just see how it went with Dr.
Dewan.
Your breathing sounds normal, so I guess she didn't crush your windpipe.
[Chuckles.]
That's funny.
You know, I was actually just telling Miggy how well it went.
I think you'd be very surprised with how Dr.
Dewan handled the situation.
- I was.
- Thank God.
I know how she can take bad news.
Okay, talk soon.
Bye! [Beep, click.]
Private lessons? Master Gary This is a disaster.
I promised Angie I'd end it, and now Can I be honest? Will to Miggy? - Mm-hmm.
- I don't want to! Thank God I have you.
Tell me how to fix this.
I know I'm in good hands.
Yeah! So, uh you just uh So, typically at this point - Okay.
- you uh Tell me.
I made it up, man.
All of it.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
- What? Why would you do that? - I don't know.
I just liked that someone thought I was an expert on something.
I mean, who knew just texting "lettuce" would work? Ho'd up.
Haven't you been with a bunch of ladies? Two, technically three? But it was in high school, man, and all I had to do was just walk over and be like, "Yo, you wanna see me throw this fish tank off the roof?" [Chuckles.]
Then I hooked up with my best friend and she got knocked up by accident.
But can I be honest with you, Miggy to Will? Of course.
Miggy to Will.
Maybe it's dumb, but I'm still sort of holding out hope for Jack's mom, which has made meeting other girls tough.
Every time I go to download a dating app, I spend five hours just looking at Zara's Instagram.
That is just so beautiful.
Thanks.
And also, I'm seething with rage.
It was creative, though "mailmanning"? [Chuckles.]
Better than my first idea.
Lady-bugging.
That's where you just land on her shoulder.
What are you gonna do now, man? [Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Poppy? [Crickets chirping.]
I can't see.
Are you here? [Raspily.]
Are you sure you want to see me like this? I'll take my chances.
Okay.
Pardon me, Ms.
Diana Ross.
I'm looking for my friend Poppy.
[Laughs.]
[Coughs.]
What made you change your mind? Well How lucid are you right now? Eh.
I, uh I've always had a hard time with weakness.
My father had 11 kills in France, and now it's 2018, and I'm supposed to let a woman peel me off the floor of a pharmacy.
Where the hell's the dignity in that, right? Plus, your son tried to blackmail me because he knows that I think he has a pretty mom.
[Snoring.]
Oh, thank God.
Okay.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Whistling.]
Hey.
I know you're not expecting me.
Honestly not trying to mailman you.
- So it is a thing.
- Just hear me out.
It means a lot that you're willing to give up Dr.
Dewan for me.
But I thought about it, and Oh, God.
I've never met a man who needs to have sex more.
I mean, just look at you.
Where do you even find a T-shirt with sleeves that big and billowy? [Exhales sharply.]
So, if you like her, go for it.
Hello, Angela.
Oh.
So you didn't give her up? - You just said it was okay.
- No, it is not okay.
Well, I went to her house and I tried to break it off with her.
- Obviously.
I'm just trying to be nice.
- She's a spitfire.
It's not okay.
- Angela.
- Dr.
Dewan.
We just had an opening on the Mist List.
Do you want to come in tomorrow, say around 3:00? I Yes, that would be great.
Okay.
So everything worked out.
[Crunches.]
Hmm.
Looks like I'm gonna have to floss tonight.
- Ew.
- Show yourself out? We're home, Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, Mr.
Free College.
There better be a snack on the table.
Dad? Dad, are you here? "Ladies, I've gone to the woods to die.
Don't bother looking for me.
" DOUGLAS: "I'm sure raccoons and other hungry vermin have torn apart my body by now and that's not how your old man wants to be remembered.
Anyway, you'll be fine.
You're strong enough to raise yourselves.
There's bologna in the fridge.
Goodbye.
" Daddy's gone? But we're just kids! - Aah! - [Both scream.]
Who's weak now? Damn it.
Girls, get the wet vac! - Getting it! - On the double! [Chuckles.]
It's 8:30 in the morning.
You've already found a way to irritate me.
Hey, hey, hey! Give Miggy a break, Douglas.
He has to be on his phone, that's where all the ladies are! Right.
Right.
This phone's blowing up with ladies.
My DMs be poppin'.
That means his direct messages are filling up with lady inquiries.
Miggy's teaching me all the lingo.
Mm.
WILL: Pink flyer! Oh, God.
I hope it's not lice again.
No kidding.
I can't keep shaving Emma and Amy's heads.
It's flu season.
One kid's already got it.
I bet it's Topher.
That kid licks everything.
Thank God Sophie already got her flu shot.
Yeah, flu shots are for the weak.
Fogertys don't get sick.
It's family policy.
I don't allow it.
You know, I usually ignore the nonsense that comes out of your mouth, but this I have to hear so, you, Douglas Fogerty, never get sick because you don't allow it? That's exactly right.
I'm the boss of my own body.
When I was in my early 20s, I was short, and then I decided not to be.
Graham hasn't gotten his shot yet.
It's his biggest fear.
Ho'd up! Ho'd up! - I taught him that.
- What? Did you know that they developed a flu shot in mist form? He doesn't have to get the shot.
He can just breathe it in.
Yeah, I know, but they only make the mist in limited quantities and we haven't yet made it onto our pediatrician's "Mist List," so we're gonna have to suffer through the shot again.
But there's no way it could be as bad as it was last year.
Everything looks good! The doctor will be right in for your shot.
You're being so brave.
I'm really proud of you.
[Alarm ringing.]
Well, that's handled.
I won't even tell you about the time he bit the receptionist.
But thank God for Dr.
Dewan.
She scares the hell out of me, but she's a genius.
Wait.
You see Dr.
Dewan? - You're still seeing her? - Mm-hmm.
See, we had to find a new pediatrician.
I just felt like such a bad parent after every visit, - I'd wind up binging "Teen Mom.
" - Right? I have to schedule five minutes after every appointment so I can cry in my car.
It's incredible.
I have been trying to get Sophie an appointment with her for four months.
Please let us tag along.
Seeing Dr.
Dewan give a flu shot is on my actual bucket list.
Fine.
You can tag along, but please never show me your bucket list, because that sounds like a real bummer.
I can't believe I'm going to meet the Dr.
Dewan, the premier pediatrician in Southern California.
Just ask one of the six children's health magazines I subscribe to The man needs sex.
All right, sweetie, do you have everything you need to help you get through the shot? What? Is someone talking to me? Look at this office.
It's exactly how I imagined it.
Hey, Little G, how you holding up? Oh, Mom Flu shot Okay, listen, Will.
We are this close to getting on the Mist List, okay? Do not make eye contact, only speak when spoken to, and remember, - we work for her.
- Got it.
Did you put on a dress for this? - Did you get a blowout? - You have no idea how high the stakes are - [Door closes.]
- DR.
DEWAN: Nice to see you, Graham.
He has a walnut allergy.
I can tell by the way he sits.
And you haven't been protecting him from the sun.
Anything less than 100 SPF, and you might as well dip him in butter and strap him to the roof of a car.
Graham, have you been eating your vegetables? - It depends on the - I want to hear from the boy.
Um, for breakfast, I had some chips.
I try to get him vegetables, but It I-I'm busy.
I-I'm a single mom, I work overtime.
It's tough.
You know what's tough? Juvenile diabetes.
You have to force him to eat five to seven servings a day.
Uh, not to be "that guy," but I actually just read a new report that came out.
- It was in Pediatric American.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And it said that parental coercion at the dinner table doesn't actually lead to long-term changes in kids' eating habits.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize we had another medical professional in the room.
Doesn't take a medical professional - to read Pediatric American.
- Thanks for the tip.
I've been published in Pediatric American 10 times.
- 11 times.
- What? I've read everything you've ever written.
Frankly, that's why I expected more from you Hey! Changing the subject! I guess that this isn't the best time to ask if we have any shot at the Mist List this year? After today, what do you think? You ready for your shot, Graham? I blinked and he was just gone.
RORY: Okay, I need feedback on this smock.
Of course it goes with the tights, but then I thought, why not just - A pair of cowboy boots! - A pair of cowboy boots! Yes, Montana realness.
- [Gasps.]
- [Knock on door.]
- Hi.
- Hey, girls.
- No running.
- We're light jogging.
Okay, listen.
I don't have much time to explain.
- I'm sick.
- Sick?! Oh, I thought you didn't "allow" germs? The illness has breached the system.
Okay, now, listen to me.
I need you to watch the girls, because if they see me weak, then the delicate parent-to-child power balance will be disrupted, and that can't happen.
They've already started collecting nursing home brochures.
I'm gonna go to the woods now.
Wait.
The woods? - The metaphorical woods.
- Okay.
I need total isolation.
Douglas, just get over yourself and let me take care of you.
The girls, they they can't see me like this.
I think they'd surprise you.
They aren't psychopaths.
[Tape creaking.]
[Chuckles.]
What were you doing in there? You owe me 30 bucks for this blowout.
I'm sorry, okay? Talking about pediatric dietary guidelines brings out the wild man in me.
I can't see through this mask.
Are we still in the office? Did I get the shot? No, sweetheart, we're gonna have to come back.
- [Vehicle door slams.]
- I will not let you ruin my chance of getting on the Mist List this year.
I can't do this again.
I've been feeding Graham turkey for three days to keep him drowsy.
I am this close to giving him wine.
Now go back in there and apologize.
- She is - Now.
- I - Right now.
- If you - Now.
- But she - Now! - But If - Now.
Now.
I will apologize for my behavior.
- Great.
- But I will not apologize for my beliefs.
3, 2, 1 Start the magic.
[Garbage disposal whirring.]
You girls just saved me $200.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Wait, what? He's where? I put in his prescription and that's when the fever took control.
Next thing you know, I'm watching a grown man try to eat a coloring book.
Hi, guys! Do you think these sunglasses make my face look too small? I mean, the look is punk, but it's also now.
They're a "buy" for me.
Oh, my God.
He's burning up.
The girls can't see me like this - Okay.
- Da-Daddy's waiting for medicine.
It's a cold.
Get a hold of yourself! Terry, you're our father now.
I'm already feeding five birds.
I need to be among the trees.
All right, let's get you up.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
We're gonna need a dolly.
- Well, well.
- [Door closes.]
- Captain Vegetables.
- I, uh I just wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier.
But not my beliefs.
You know, you were right about parental coercion.
It is in the latest Pediatric American.
Told ya.
[Chuckles.]
I was right, you were wrong.
Just please don't take that out on Graham, okay? He really needs the Mist List Have you really read all of my articles? Yes, I have.
Even the ones you write under your pen name, Dr.
Vicky Bradshaw.
I don't have a pen name.
Come on.
Oh, you're good.
Who are you? Where did you come from? Uh, I was born at a very young age.
[Chuckles.]
No, my name's Will Cooper.
I'm from Denver originally, Mile High City.
Why "mile high"? Well, it has something to do with the sea level and the Oh, you just think you're so smart.
You just know it all.
I would never claim to know it all, but I-I definitely think of learning as sort of a life's journey thing Um, you can never know everything.
You're You're always constantly learning.
Like, right now feels like a possible learning experience.
Oh, my God.
You smell so nice.
DOUGLAS: What am I doing here? Who are you? Are you all trees? What happened to you? You used to be a man.
- Keep them away! - Okay, okay.
Girls, weren't you gonna remove that tree stump in the backyard? - Don't let them back - All right.
- No, no, no.
[Groans.]
- Just let go of my sweater.
Oh, my God, what is this sweater wet with? [Gasps.]
All right, I'm gonna go make him some soup.
Make sure he doesn't eat anything that isn't food.
I don't like the way he's been eyeing that remote.
Got it.
This ski lodge, it's a disgrace.
Oh, I am here for this.
They're closing in on us, Diana.
Charles will not rest until we're both dead.
Oh, I love this area.
My head is is very hot.
Rory, your mom is so pretty.
- I wanna kiss your mom.
- Come again? Kiss Poppy's face Kiss that pretty face Ooh.
Twist.
And then, Dr.
Dewan put her hands on my neck like this.
- Ohh.
- And she said to me, "I think your lymph nodes feel fine.
" Right? It was so confusing! Miggy, you know all about the ladies.
Help me out.
Let me guess she gave you her number? Yeah.
What am I gonna do with that? Dating's changed so much since I met Mia.
Now everything's so confusing, with all these apps, like Tinder and Bumble and Candy Crush and Calculator.
It's easier than you think, okay? Just give her as little as possible.
Um, text her a random word and then see how long before she responds.
All right.
I'm gonna text her "lettuce.
" [Chuckles.]
And sent.
- Now we just wait and - [Cellphone chimes.]
Whoa! I wonder if she meant to send that picture.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Or that one.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Or that one.
- [Cellphone chiming.]
- Okay, I think it's safe to assume she means to send these.
- What are they? - Nothing.
I guess, if you must know, they are what people refer to as "sexual text messages" - Oh, okay.
- or "sexages.
" Hey, do you think that Angie would mind if I asked out her pediatrician on a date? I mean, I just don't want to mess up her chance to get on the Mist List.
Pfft.
If anything, you hooking up with this doctor is only gonna help Angie's chances.
- My dude.
- Yeah.
[Groans.]
But no one does dates anymore, a'ight? Sex comes first.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.
- I'm ready for that.
- I know you're ready for that.
I always knew a day would come I'd have to use my body as a bargaining chip.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Whoa, mama! Well, apparently you can use portrait mode on more than just your face.
Someone had a night to remember.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Maybe some video will jog your memory.
Kiss Poppy's pretty face Kiss pretty face That is the ravings of a feverish man.
You're not gonna show that to your mom, are you? Who's to say what I'll do? I'm 7.
I'm not gonna be threatened by a first grader.
Emma? Amy? Get in the car.
I don't think they can hear you.
Oh, they can hear me.
It's happening.
They saw me weak.
Now it's just a matter of time before they feast on my body.
Oh, hey, guys.
Big news.
Tomorrow night, there is a woman coming over to my house, and I'm pretty sure we're going to make sex.
- Ooh! - [Chanting.]
In-ter-course.
In-ter-course.
- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? - Finally.
[Chanting.]
In-ter-course! In-ter-course! - Hi, Susan.
- SUSAN: Come on, honey.
Congratulations.
Some woman out there is gonna have a very mediocre night.
Yeah, she is.
And she's been sending me a bunch of sexages - Ooh! - and I may have sent her one or two myself.
- God! - Oh, good God, man.
- Okay.
Not cool.
- Put your phone away! That's worse than what I thought you were gonna show us.
- I taught you better than that.
- POPPY: Terrible.
So who's the kind of lucky lady? I'll give you three hints.
You know her, you respect her, and it's Dr.
Dewan.
It's Dr.
Dewan? - [Miggy laughs.]
- No, dude.
- [Laughs.]
- Definitely not.
No.
What she means is we don't date people who work with our kids.
It just tends to end in disaster.
Maybe we can make an exception for Will.
I mean, he's an adult man, and damn it, the poor sap deserves to lose his virginity.
Yeah, but the man is wearing two separate pieces of fleece clothing.
Maybe we bend the rules just this once.
Bend the rules? Where were you when I wanted to sleep with the twins' karate sensei? - Master Gary? - Yeah.
He was so disciplined.
Will, this is not happening, okay? I don't want to start all over on some new doctor's Mist List.
You have to end it, but don't make her angry.
- Understand? - Absolutely.
Crystal clear.
Keep her happy, break it off.
- No big deal.
Simple.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
[Whimpers.]
[Sneezes.]
- Oh.
Unh-unh.
- Ah.
Perfect.
You got me sick! I'd ask you to take care of me, but I assume you have some code against that, too? You bet your sick ass I do.
But all you'll be getting out of me is a Z-Pak and the number to my answering service.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Why, hello, Douglas.
- Hey.
Mom, any interest in some video I shot on my phone last night? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You know what? I got a great idea.
Why don't you get to the pharmacy and I'll make sure Rory gets home? - Okay.
- Girls, car.
Hey, Emily Dickinson! How's your fever? Why don't you go curl up with a blanket and write a poem about it? [Laughter.]
What'd I tell you? I lost them.
[Giggles.]
[Sneezes.]
Uh-oh.
No.
Unh-unh.
Bye-bye.
Nice, Douglas.
Real nice.
Okay, Broseph.
Brozilla, what's up? I'm really gonna need your help getting out of this now.
Easy.
See, most people in that situation would be like, "You wanna get rid of a girl? Ghost her.
" But I say, nah, become the opposite of a ghost.
Which is a goblin? A ghoul? N-No, the opposite of a ghost is a mailman.
- Oh.
- You gotta mailman that chick, bro.
How do you mailman someone? [Groans.]
Man Okay, look.
You show up, totally unannounced, at their house.
[Snaps fingers.]
Puh! Oh.
Yeah, okay.
That sounds like a mailman.
Word.
Have you said anything? Not yet, but you know how hard it is to keep a secret, and I'm starting to think that this is a juicy one.
What do you want from me? I think you know what I want.
To go shopping? You just made a huge assumption about who I am as a person.
And you were right on.
I won't take you shopping.
Yes, you will.
- [Seatbelt clicks.]
- To the mall.
Chop-chop.
[Engine starts.]
I got to say, mailmanning feels a little bit like stalking.
Exactly.
It'll freak her ass out, and she won't be into you anymore.
Wow.
Feels kind of thrilling, you know? - Word.
- You're sure it's gonna work? Man, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
What are you doing here? Oh, you know, just, uh, dropping by unannounced at your personal residence.
Off-putting, right? Well, that's just me.
Red Flag City, population one lunatic.
Ding, dong.
It's the mailman.
- The mailman? - Mm-hmm.
I like that.
I gotta know what's in your bag.
Coupons mostly, a couple of real-estate mailers.
This bag's property of the United States Postal Service, and tampering with it is a federal offense.
And also, I don't actually have a mail bag.
And also, I'm not a mailman.
See, the whole reason that I did this thing [Moans.]
[Door closes.]
Yep, I can verify that purchase.
It was, uh, nine pairs of children's Italian loafers.
Th-Th-That's right, and $219 at the robe store.
What? Hold on.
Did you sneak away and buy an espresso machine? It's being delivered.
- Yeah, that was us, too.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
Well, that was the second call from my credit card company.
Are you satisfied? Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied.
Guess the only way to find out is to keep shopping.
Tell you what.
You want my watch? Take my watch.
My grandfather gave this to me when I graduated from medical school, but I can't handle you trying on another tunic.
Wait.
You're going to actually give me your grandfather's watch? Why would you do that unless No.
No, there's there's no reason.
I'm just trying to avoid an embarrassing situation.
You know what I think, Douglas? I think that you actually like my mom and you're scared she'll find out.
Tell me I'm wrong.
You just hesitated.
N-No, I was swallowing.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a hesitation! - Can a man even swallow? - We have a hesitation! - No going back! - I was swallowing.
J-J Take the watch.
I don't want that tacky thing.
Just show her you care.
And let's take one last lap for tunics.
I don't think we've found the one yet.
Oh! Mailmanning did not work.
Yeah, I noticed that.
Oh, man.
How did I not know about casual sex before this? It's amazing! We, like, got all naked.
She doesn't even know my middle name.
- Ooh! - [Laughs.]
[Cellphone vibrating.]
- Oh, no.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
Angie! - Hey.
- Always a treat.
I thought I'd just see how it went with Dr.
Dewan.
Your breathing sounds normal, so I guess she didn't crush your windpipe.
[Chuckles.]
That's funny.
You know, I was actually just telling Miggy how well it went.
I think you'd be very surprised with how Dr.
Dewan handled the situation.
- I was.
- Thank God.
I know how she can take bad news.
Okay, talk soon.
Bye! [Beep, click.]
Private lessons? Master Gary This is a disaster.
I promised Angie I'd end it, and now Can I be honest? Will to Miggy? - Mm-hmm.
- I don't want to! Thank God I have you.
Tell me how to fix this.
I know I'm in good hands.
Yeah! So, uh you just uh So, typically at this point - Okay.
- you uh Tell me.
I made it up, man.
All of it.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
- What? Why would you do that? - I don't know.
I just liked that someone thought I was an expert on something.
I mean, who knew just texting "lettuce" would work? Ho'd up.
Haven't you been with a bunch of ladies? Two, technically three? But it was in high school, man, and all I had to do was just walk over and be like, "Yo, you wanna see me throw this fish tank off the roof?" [Chuckles.]
Then I hooked up with my best friend and she got knocked up by accident.
But can I be honest with you, Miggy to Will? Of course.
Miggy to Will.
Maybe it's dumb, but I'm still sort of holding out hope for Jack's mom, which has made meeting other girls tough.
Every time I go to download a dating app, I spend five hours just looking at Zara's Instagram.
That is just so beautiful.
Thanks.
And also, I'm seething with rage.
It was creative, though "mailmanning"? [Chuckles.]
Better than my first idea.
Lady-bugging.
That's where you just land on her shoulder.
What are you gonna do now, man? [Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Poppy? [Crickets chirping.]
I can't see.
Are you here? [Raspily.]
Are you sure you want to see me like this? I'll take my chances.
Okay.
Pardon me, Ms.
Diana Ross.
I'm looking for my friend Poppy.
[Laughs.]
[Coughs.]
What made you change your mind? Well How lucid are you right now? Eh.
I, uh I've always had a hard time with weakness.
My father had 11 kills in France, and now it's 2018, and I'm supposed to let a woman peel me off the floor of a pharmacy.
Where the hell's the dignity in that, right? Plus, your son tried to blackmail me because he knows that I think he has a pretty mom.
[Snoring.]
Oh, thank God.
Okay.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Whistling.]
Hey.
I know you're not expecting me.
Honestly not trying to mailman you.
- So it is a thing.
- Just hear me out.
It means a lot that you're willing to give up Dr.
Dewan for me.
But I thought about it, and Oh, God.
I've never met a man who needs to have sex more.
I mean, just look at you.
Where do you even find a T-shirt with sleeves that big and billowy? [Exhales sharply.]
So, if you like her, go for it.
Hello, Angela.
Oh.
So you didn't give her up? - You just said it was okay.
- No, it is not okay.
Well, I went to her house and I tried to break it off with her.
- Obviously.
I'm just trying to be nice.
- She's a spitfire.
It's not okay.
- Angela.
- Dr.
Dewan.
We just had an opening on the Mist List.
Do you want to come in tomorrow, say around 3:00? I Yes, that would be great.
Okay.
So everything worked out.
[Crunches.]
Hmm.
Looks like I'm gonna have to floss tonight.
- Ew.
- Show yourself out? We're home, Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, Mr.
Free College.
There better be a snack on the table.
Dad? Dad, are you here? "Ladies, I've gone to the woods to die.
Don't bother looking for me.
" DOUGLAS: "I'm sure raccoons and other hungry vermin have torn apart my body by now and that's not how your old man wants to be remembered.
Anyway, you'll be fine.
You're strong enough to raise yourselves.
There's bologna in the fridge.
Goodbye.
" Daddy's gone? But we're just kids! - Aah! - [Both scream.]
Who's weak now? Damn it.
Girls, get the wet vac! - Getting it! - On the double! [Chuckles.]