Single White Spenny (2011) s01e06 Episode Script
Circumcision
My nephew, Aaron's Bris- Sure, it appears we're all here to witness a ritual circumcision, but with my family, the truth is anytime you put out a free egg salad it always draws a crowd.
Ladies and Gentlemen, in a few minutes time we will proceed with the Bris, the ceremony of circumcision.
Your witnessing this makes this a bigger blessing.
This is such a wonderful, wonderful ceremony.
Isn't it lovely? I know, this is actually my first one.
I've never been to a Bris before.
I think you were at yours.
Yeah, I don't remember that one.
Neither do I.
I wasn't there.
You weren't there? No, I had a scheduling conflict.
You weren't at my Bris?! I meant to be, Spenny.
Honest to God, I meant to be.
Unbelievable Spencer! Over my shoulder.
Oh, my God! What is she doing here?! We're divorced, she shouldn't be here! Who's that bozo she's with? It's her fiancé.
Are you kidding me? She brought her fiancé! She is just trying to get you down! Unbelievable! I'll tell you something, you be the bigger man.
You rise above it.
I can't rise above it! I want to punch her the face!!! Continue.
Thank you.
And now, I will actually perform the circumcision.
Excuse me, fellas- It's my first Bris.
THUD! Ohhh! Jesus Christ! He's gone crazy! He's gone crazy!!! My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted man child.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want it to find love.
Is that such a crime? Hi, I'm Karen.
Hi, Karen.
And you're Spenny.
Nice to meet you.
And you have a cut.
And I sure do.
Okay- On my head.
I can see that.
Ow, ow! I'm not even touching it.
No, I know, but I'm anticipating.
No, it's not that bad.
You're not even going to need stitches.
So, um- Careful- So, how did this happen? The cut? Yeah.
I was at a Bris, a circumcision- And I fainted.
Circumcision.
I think circumcision is the most unnatural, barbaric procedure you can perform on a child that doesn't even give its consent.
I feel exactly the same way.
Really- Like almost verbatim.
What was it? Barbaric? Absolutely.
Barbaric.
Of course! Absolutely, right? Yeah.
We're, uh- Thinking the same thing.
About something, that's interesting.
Um, you think there's any possibility that we could maybe go out sometime? Really? Coffee.
Tea Maybe lunch? Maybe a snack.
Maybe a snack.
Okay, okay, okay- Yes.
Yeah? Yeah.
Tomorrow? Okay, I'm off, yeah.
Unbelievable.
So I take it you're not snip-snip? What? You know.
Circumcised? I'm not circumcised.
Of course not.
Why would I be circumcised? I don't like circumcision.
No.
I'm not.
Did I just lie about being circumcised so I could go on a date?? I that shallow? I guess I am.
She's gonna see my penis one day and I completely misrepresented it! I don't know what the big deal is.
How long is she actually going to be looking at it? If I'm lucky a long time! Why don't you tell her after you fell they gave you drugs and you got confused? I can't say that.
She was in the hospÃtal, she's a nurse.
She saw me come in.
I had a little cut on my head.
She's gonna know they don't give you drugs for that.
Tell her you took drugs at the Bris.
I can't tell her that! She'll think I'm a drug-addict! Why don't you tell her the truth then? Oh, yeah? That I lied about my circumcision? No thanks.
I know! Well, let's do roleplaying! Chelsea, I don't want to- Come here! Chelsea, please! This is so stupid! No, it is stupid but it's fun.
I'll be Karen, what I'm like? Tell me what I'm like.
Well, she's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous, okay, got that.
She's a nurse.
She's a nurse! So, she's empathetic and smart.
And she can think on her feet.
Okay.
Uh, what was she like as a child? I don't know what she was like as a child.
How would I know that? I just me her! Ayay- Hi, Spenny.
I'm Karen.
And I would love to see your penis.
She's never gonna say that! She might say that.
She's not gonna say that, Chelsea! Come on! I'm trying to prepare you! She might say that, just go with me, work with me.
Um Karen, I'm sorry.
I, uh I'm really circumcised and I'll never do it again.
I'm sorry.
That was a really boring confession.
It's the truth.
I know it's the truth, but you could put a litt " "UH", a little whimper, a tear, something- It's like when you have the hiccups really, really bad.
Hiccups are like the key to faking emotion.
Karen I'm sorry I Come on.
Karen, I'm so Sorrythat I lied.
about being circumcised- Uncircumcised- I don't even know what I'm saying! I can't do this! I'm not Sean Penn! I don't know how to do that! Okay, fine.
Then onto plan B.
I googled something before I came here and look what I found.
"As Nature Intended", it's a clinic downtown.
They can actually restore your foreskin.
Well, that's perfect! Yeah! That's exactly what I want.
Look, and there's even a video description of how they do it.
Foreskin restoration process at "As Nature Intended" Are you kidding me?! I'm not going to do that to my penis!!! Are you crazy?! Okay, fine, if you're not serious about this, then let's get back to the hiccups.
Forget the stupid hiccups.
What am I going to do? Mother, I met a girl.
Oh, thank God! Does she have a good job? She's a nurse.
Okay.
Is she a main nurse, or a- She helps people.
Awww, bless her little heart.
So, uhsomething you wanted to tell me? Absolutely.
But first, I'd like to ask you something.
Okay- Was I a good mother? No.
You know, being a parent, Spencer, isn't easy.
Umyou have expectations.
When you were a baby, I was, uh I was bored stiff.
Bored stiff.
You did nothing.
You laid there.
Some spittle once in a while- Look, honestly, like, what do you- What do you want to talk about? I need money for a boob job.
You don't need a boob job.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You're- Ample.
Ample as it gets, but I need up, I need a lift.
How much is it? $15,500.
$15,000?! $15,500.
I need this for my self-esteem.
I need this to feel like the old days.
Have construction workers say lewd things.
I miss that.
I think it's time that I get a promotion.
I'm the only employee, but I'm an invaluable employee.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna give you a new- Can you just- Just give us a minute? Sure.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll make you VP of development.
That's good.
It's very good.
Really good- Now, about how much would a raise for a VP of development be? Jessica, if you were a real VP of development, you'd know not to bring that up right now.
We're working.
Alright, ladies, can I have your attention.
My name's Spenny.
I'm a little pressed for time.
I want to tell you a bit about what we're doing.
This is a novelty gift that I've created.
It's a calendar.
Each month there's going to be different rock bands.
You're one month, you're going to be Aerosmith.
Do you know who Aerosmith is? Miss, stop playing the drums, please?! You're not making fun of us.
That's what I was thinking.
I'm not making fun of anybody.
It's about paying respects to a great rock band- Please, stop with the drums! Everybody just calm down! Uh, if I could just say a couple of things- You have been chosen because of an energy that you bring to this shoot.
And if it's Aerosmith, you ladies just exude that quality that Aerosmith has.
And the grandkids will absolutely love this calendar! You vouch him? Oh, yes, he's my nephew.
Of course I do.
You're gonna look fabulous.
No, thank you.
Phil, that was incredible.
You saved me.
You saved it.
You know, complimenting ladies, it's what I do.
I sell lady's shoes.
I had a kinda crazy idea, I want to bounce it off you, if I may.
Go for it.
Okay, recently, my mother's been not feeling so great about herself.
Self-esteem issues she's been getting some expensive ideas.
And I was wondering if maybe you could use some of that charm and, uh, just compliment my mom.
Give her that little boost that she might need.
Well, I mean, I'd be happy to.
Let's see, it'll probably take a few minutes, and then, uh, I'd have to head back to the shop so- Oh.
You want money.
Well, now that you mentioned it, that would be great.
Just- Fifty bucks? Wellmaybe, maybe $100.
A hundred bucks? It's like three minutes, that's it.
I still gotta close down the shop.
Okay, $100.
That's fine.
Fantastic.
I look forward to meeting her.
Chelsea, it's a nightmare.
When some people lie, their pupils dilate.
With me, it's my colon.
Forget the date.
I'm not going! That's ridiculous! You know what? If she's as wonderful as you say she is, she is not going to care.
Also she's probably against circumcision of babies.
You're an adult.
There is no way she can be that shallow.
I know it's shallow.
I just don't like the look of it.
I look at a circumcised penis and I'm just like- It just makes me gag.
But that's not a problem for us, so it's okay, right? Yeah.
Absolutely.
Come here- Oh! Hang on, whoa, whoa- Oh, no, no- Wait- No, no, no, no- That's my phone, it's my phone- I have to take it, I'm sorry.
Jessica? I'd like to talk about that raise now if you have some time- That's terrible! No, it's terrible what you pay me! It metastasized? Metastasized? Please, I'm gonna come over right away.
You're not making sense! Just calm down, I'll be right there.
Okay.
Bye.
Is everything okay? I've gotta go.
Okay, well- I have to go.
I just have to go.
First choice is surgical.
We take skin from your anus and we graft it- Skin from my anus?! Not mine.
I, uh, would like to hear option number two.
Option number two is non-surgical.
It's basically the law of gravity.
We take a weight, place it- Wait a second- You're gonna put that thing on my penis? Yes.
Then we take the skin from around the shaft and we pull it down and clasp it just like this.
And in four to six months you have a new foreskin as nature intended.
Whoa, whoa, whoa- Four to six months? Oh, no, that's not good enough.
This is an emergency.
I need my foreskin as fast as possible.
I do have something that will cut the time in half.
But you have to be careful not to overdo it.
Come, I'll show you.
It's called the hop and the dip.
Hop and the dip.
See, the weight is like this, attached, and you- Law of gravity takes over.
Now- You try it.
I just put it here? Yes.
And- How's that? It's pretty easy.
For now.
Ow! Come on, Spenny.
Lower.
You have to go way lower.
Ahhhh! That's it.
What? I can't do it anymore.
Uh-uh, no.
You only did two.
You have no idea how painful this is.
Here's the problem- I'm not gonna have a foreskin for two months.
How am I going to stall her? What have you already told her? I told her that Jessica has cancer and the cancer metastasized.
It was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Easy.
Just tell Karen that Jessica's taken a turn for the worse.
Okay- And now she needs to go and see a special doctor.
Good- Okay, good- And the doctor isn't here.
The doctor isn't anywhere near here.
The doctor's in In China! The doctor's in China! The doctor's in China.
I'm in a foreign land, supporting my friend who's in need- Karen's gonna think I'm Mother Teresa! You're like Mother Teresa killing two birds with one stone.
And going to China? Not a weekend trip, my friend, that's a two-month-er! No dates for two months! Genius! GONG! This is just something I've got to do.
I think it's wonderful.
It's a brilliant plan.
All I need to do is buy some time.
Like Rome, a foreskin isn't built in a day.
Hey, Phil, it's Spenny.
I'm about to meet my mom.
Did you talk to her? I certainly did.
It was great.
Did she suspect anything? She didn't suspect a thing.
Great, great- Okay, I gotta go- Hi, sweetheart.
Mother.
How are you? Look at you! What? You look incredible! Do I? You're glowing! I am? I met someone.
No! Yes! No! Yes.
His name's Phil.
Phil? What did I tell you? I know you did! You were jumping the gun.
I know, thank you, sweetheart.
He's so sweet.
And, uh! The sex! I can't tell you! The sex? Oh, my God! You had sex with Phil?! Oh, honey- You just met the man! I mean, I'm good for a few minutes, but he goes and goes and goes- Okay, okay- So, I faked it! You know- It worked out- This is a mega-overshare.
Oh, come on! Plus, he's an astronaut.
He's an astronaut?! I'm not kidding.
Like in space? The kind that go to space.
I told him all about you and your life and your career and, uhhe's got some advice.
He's got some pointers.
Phil, the astronaut, has advice for me?? He's achieved something.
I think you can take a pointer or two from him.
Well- At least you don't need the, uh, boob lift anymore.
Well, I'm gonna need a lift and I'm gonna need the augmentation.
'Cause Phil the astronaut likes 'em big.
So, basically, I just paid a shoe salesman $100 to sleep with my mother.
Unbelievable! Hello? Hey, Karen, it's Spenny! Hey! How are you? I'm calling from China! en: Oh, my God! It sounds crazy! It hasn't been the same since the Olympics, but it's wonderful here.
It's wonderful.
How's Jessica? She's the same, it's- It's not pleasant.
They're very, very passionate about their politics here.
What time is it there? Um Um My foreskin is stretching.
And the China plan is buying me time.
It's a win-win! Rock 'n roll, baby! Lean into it! You're Tommy Hamilton of Aerosmith! These guitars are heavy! That's rock 'n roll, baby! Now, Mildred, Think Marlon Brando in "The Godfather.
" Yeah.
That's it.
Okay, Jessica, cue the smoke! Okay, just hold it one second- il: This looksfantastic! Yeah? Yeah.
How was space? Oh! Hahaha! She told you that? Yeah, you're an astronaut.
Yeah, well, you know, it holds a little more clout than a shoe salesman.
What were you thinking? We're talking about my mother.
Absolutely.
You asked me to compliment her.
I asked you to compliment her! Not talk your way into her bedroom! Actually, we were mostly in the living room and the kitchen- You son of a bitch!!! I can't believe you'd sink- Ugh! Ugh! Incredible, incredible Ow! Ow! I miss you.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow The good news is that I'm about a half inch away from being an uncircumcised man.
The bad news is that since I made Jessica the VP of development, I have to hear her stupid novelty ideas.
New shoes.
Don't worry about it.
So, what's up, Jessica? Okay, we're almost done the calendar, so I got some great ideas for our next project.
Jess- Come on.
I've got some good ones.
Sweetie, don't take it the wrong way.
You're not ready.
Look, it's, it's novelty gifts.
It takes years.
The next thing we're going to do is, you know, my idea- en: Spenny? What are you doing here? Karen! Do you know what would be nice? Is if maybe somebody introduced me.
I'm sorry, I'm Karen.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Spencer's assistant.
Jessica! How are you? She's great! She's great! Are you okay? Yes? Good.
I hear they're doing great things in China right now.
What- Yeah, you know, Chinese food, knock-offs- No, the clinic.
That you went to in China with Spenny.
I never went to China.
You didn't? Spenny, what's going on? I was busted and the only thing that came to mind was Chelsea's lame hiccup advice.
I'm just So Hiccup! Hiccup! I've just been trying to- I don't know how I can- Hiccup! Hiccup! I still can't believe the hiccups worked.
Unbelievable.
I told you.
It works every time.
And look! Now you have a date on Friday.
I know, that's the problem! I've got a date, I need a foreskin by then! This thing's good but it's just not going to cut it.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Wait! Wa-wa-wa-wait! You said it's about gravity, right? Yeah.
I got it What? What? Mmmhmm.
AHHHHHHHHHH! MY PENIS!!! Oh, my God I told you not to overdo it.
How bad is it? It looks like an anteater.
What am I going to do?! You have to be re-circumcised.
Oh, my God! So, my foreskin has become a five-skin.
Now I'm sporting something that looks like it could blow insulation into attics.
So, I'm against circumcision, and I've been circumcised twice? I wonder if Guinness has a record for this? Karen.
Spenny! What are you doing here? Somehow, in my drug-induced state, I told her everything.
How Jessica didn't have cancer, how I lied about going to China and how I was circumcised from the very beginning- SLAP! Oh, Spencer It's not your best day, is it, dear? Well, don't you worry.
You're gonna meet somebody.
Sure you are.
Possibly.
I don't know.
I mean, there's no guarantees in life, right? Pardon me.
Sorry, excuse me-
Ladies and Gentlemen, in a few minutes time we will proceed with the Bris, the ceremony of circumcision.
Your witnessing this makes this a bigger blessing.
This is such a wonderful, wonderful ceremony.
Isn't it lovely? I know, this is actually my first one.
I've never been to a Bris before.
I think you were at yours.
Yeah, I don't remember that one.
Neither do I.
I wasn't there.
You weren't there? No, I had a scheduling conflict.
You weren't at my Bris?! I meant to be, Spenny.
Honest to God, I meant to be.
Unbelievable Spencer! Over my shoulder.
Oh, my God! What is she doing here?! We're divorced, she shouldn't be here! Who's that bozo she's with? It's her fiancé.
Are you kidding me? She brought her fiancé! She is just trying to get you down! Unbelievable! I'll tell you something, you be the bigger man.
You rise above it.
I can't rise above it! I want to punch her the face!!! Continue.
Thank you.
And now, I will actually perform the circumcision.
Excuse me, fellas- It's my first Bris.
THUD! Ohhh! Jesus Christ! He's gone crazy! He's gone crazy!!! My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted man child.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want it to find love.
Is that such a crime? Hi, I'm Karen.
Hi, Karen.
And you're Spenny.
Nice to meet you.
And you have a cut.
And I sure do.
Okay- On my head.
I can see that.
Ow, ow! I'm not even touching it.
No, I know, but I'm anticipating.
No, it's not that bad.
You're not even going to need stitches.
So, um- Careful- So, how did this happen? The cut? Yeah.
I was at a Bris, a circumcision- And I fainted.
Circumcision.
I think circumcision is the most unnatural, barbaric procedure you can perform on a child that doesn't even give its consent.
I feel exactly the same way.
Really- Like almost verbatim.
What was it? Barbaric? Absolutely.
Barbaric.
Of course! Absolutely, right? Yeah.
We're, uh- Thinking the same thing.
About something, that's interesting.
Um, you think there's any possibility that we could maybe go out sometime? Really? Coffee.
Tea Maybe lunch? Maybe a snack.
Maybe a snack.
Okay, okay, okay- Yes.
Yeah? Yeah.
Tomorrow? Okay, I'm off, yeah.
Unbelievable.
So I take it you're not snip-snip? What? You know.
Circumcised? I'm not circumcised.
Of course not.
Why would I be circumcised? I don't like circumcision.
No.
I'm not.
Did I just lie about being circumcised so I could go on a date?? I that shallow? I guess I am.
She's gonna see my penis one day and I completely misrepresented it! I don't know what the big deal is.
How long is she actually going to be looking at it? If I'm lucky a long time! Why don't you tell her after you fell they gave you drugs and you got confused? I can't say that.
She was in the hospÃtal, she's a nurse.
She saw me come in.
I had a little cut on my head.
She's gonna know they don't give you drugs for that.
Tell her you took drugs at the Bris.
I can't tell her that! She'll think I'm a drug-addict! Why don't you tell her the truth then? Oh, yeah? That I lied about my circumcision? No thanks.
I know! Well, let's do roleplaying! Chelsea, I don't want to- Come here! Chelsea, please! This is so stupid! No, it is stupid but it's fun.
I'll be Karen, what I'm like? Tell me what I'm like.
Well, she's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous, okay, got that.
She's a nurse.
She's a nurse! So, she's empathetic and smart.
And she can think on her feet.
Okay.
Uh, what was she like as a child? I don't know what she was like as a child.
How would I know that? I just me her! Ayay- Hi, Spenny.
I'm Karen.
And I would love to see your penis.
She's never gonna say that! She might say that.
She's not gonna say that, Chelsea! Come on! I'm trying to prepare you! She might say that, just go with me, work with me.
Um Karen, I'm sorry.
I, uh I'm really circumcised and I'll never do it again.
I'm sorry.
That was a really boring confession.
It's the truth.
I know it's the truth, but you could put a litt " "UH", a little whimper, a tear, something- It's like when you have the hiccups really, really bad.
Hiccups are like the key to faking emotion.
Karen I'm sorry I Come on.
Karen, I'm so Sorrythat I lied.
about being circumcised- Uncircumcised- I don't even know what I'm saying! I can't do this! I'm not Sean Penn! I don't know how to do that! Okay, fine.
Then onto plan B.
I googled something before I came here and look what I found.
"As Nature Intended", it's a clinic downtown.
They can actually restore your foreskin.
Well, that's perfect! Yeah! That's exactly what I want.
Look, and there's even a video description of how they do it.
Foreskin restoration process at "As Nature Intended" Are you kidding me?! I'm not going to do that to my penis!!! Are you crazy?! Okay, fine, if you're not serious about this, then let's get back to the hiccups.
Forget the stupid hiccups.
What am I going to do? Mother, I met a girl.
Oh, thank God! Does she have a good job? She's a nurse.
Okay.
Is she a main nurse, or a- She helps people.
Awww, bless her little heart.
So, uhsomething you wanted to tell me? Absolutely.
But first, I'd like to ask you something.
Okay- Was I a good mother? No.
You know, being a parent, Spencer, isn't easy.
Umyou have expectations.
When you were a baby, I was, uh I was bored stiff.
Bored stiff.
You did nothing.
You laid there.
Some spittle once in a while- Look, honestly, like, what do you- What do you want to talk about? I need money for a boob job.
You don't need a boob job.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You're- Ample.
Ample as it gets, but I need up, I need a lift.
How much is it? $15,500.
$15,000?! $15,500.
I need this for my self-esteem.
I need this to feel like the old days.
Have construction workers say lewd things.
I miss that.
I think it's time that I get a promotion.
I'm the only employee, but I'm an invaluable employee.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm gonna give you a new- Can you just- Just give us a minute? Sure.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll make you VP of development.
That's good.
It's very good.
Really good- Now, about how much would a raise for a VP of development be? Jessica, if you were a real VP of development, you'd know not to bring that up right now.
We're working.
Alright, ladies, can I have your attention.
My name's Spenny.
I'm a little pressed for time.
I want to tell you a bit about what we're doing.
This is a novelty gift that I've created.
It's a calendar.
Each month there's going to be different rock bands.
You're one month, you're going to be Aerosmith.
Do you know who Aerosmith is? Miss, stop playing the drums, please?! You're not making fun of us.
That's what I was thinking.
I'm not making fun of anybody.
It's about paying respects to a great rock band- Please, stop with the drums! Everybody just calm down! Uh, if I could just say a couple of things- You have been chosen because of an energy that you bring to this shoot.
And if it's Aerosmith, you ladies just exude that quality that Aerosmith has.
And the grandkids will absolutely love this calendar! You vouch him? Oh, yes, he's my nephew.
Of course I do.
You're gonna look fabulous.
No, thank you.
Phil, that was incredible.
You saved me.
You saved it.
You know, complimenting ladies, it's what I do.
I sell lady's shoes.
I had a kinda crazy idea, I want to bounce it off you, if I may.
Go for it.
Okay, recently, my mother's been not feeling so great about herself.
Self-esteem issues she's been getting some expensive ideas.
And I was wondering if maybe you could use some of that charm and, uh, just compliment my mom.
Give her that little boost that she might need.
Well, I mean, I'd be happy to.
Let's see, it'll probably take a few minutes, and then, uh, I'd have to head back to the shop so- Oh.
You want money.
Well, now that you mentioned it, that would be great.
Just- Fifty bucks? Wellmaybe, maybe $100.
A hundred bucks? It's like three minutes, that's it.
I still gotta close down the shop.
Okay, $100.
That's fine.
Fantastic.
I look forward to meeting her.
Chelsea, it's a nightmare.
When some people lie, their pupils dilate.
With me, it's my colon.
Forget the date.
I'm not going! That's ridiculous! You know what? If she's as wonderful as you say she is, she is not going to care.
Also she's probably against circumcision of babies.
You're an adult.
There is no way she can be that shallow.
I know it's shallow.
I just don't like the look of it.
I look at a circumcised penis and I'm just like- It just makes me gag.
But that's not a problem for us, so it's okay, right? Yeah.
Absolutely.
Come here- Oh! Hang on, whoa, whoa- Oh, no, no- Wait- No, no, no, no- That's my phone, it's my phone- I have to take it, I'm sorry.
Jessica? I'd like to talk about that raise now if you have some time- That's terrible! No, it's terrible what you pay me! It metastasized? Metastasized? Please, I'm gonna come over right away.
You're not making sense! Just calm down, I'll be right there.
Okay.
Bye.
Is everything okay? I've gotta go.
Okay, well- I have to go.
I just have to go.
First choice is surgical.
We take skin from your anus and we graft it- Skin from my anus?! Not mine.
I, uh, would like to hear option number two.
Option number two is non-surgical.
It's basically the law of gravity.
We take a weight, place it- Wait a second- You're gonna put that thing on my penis? Yes.
Then we take the skin from around the shaft and we pull it down and clasp it just like this.
And in four to six months you have a new foreskin as nature intended.
Whoa, whoa, whoa- Four to six months? Oh, no, that's not good enough.
This is an emergency.
I need my foreskin as fast as possible.
I do have something that will cut the time in half.
But you have to be careful not to overdo it.
Come, I'll show you.
It's called the hop and the dip.
Hop and the dip.
See, the weight is like this, attached, and you- Law of gravity takes over.
Now- You try it.
I just put it here? Yes.
And- How's that? It's pretty easy.
For now.
Ow! Come on, Spenny.
Lower.
You have to go way lower.
Ahhhh! That's it.
What? I can't do it anymore.
Uh-uh, no.
You only did two.
You have no idea how painful this is.
Here's the problem- I'm not gonna have a foreskin for two months.
How am I going to stall her? What have you already told her? I told her that Jessica has cancer and the cancer metastasized.
It was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Easy.
Just tell Karen that Jessica's taken a turn for the worse.
Okay- And now she needs to go and see a special doctor.
Good- Okay, good- And the doctor isn't here.
The doctor isn't anywhere near here.
The doctor's in In China! The doctor's in China! The doctor's in China.
I'm in a foreign land, supporting my friend who's in need- Karen's gonna think I'm Mother Teresa! You're like Mother Teresa killing two birds with one stone.
And going to China? Not a weekend trip, my friend, that's a two-month-er! No dates for two months! Genius! GONG! This is just something I've got to do.
I think it's wonderful.
It's a brilliant plan.
All I need to do is buy some time.
Like Rome, a foreskin isn't built in a day.
Hey, Phil, it's Spenny.
I'm about to meet my mom.
Did you talk to her? I certainly did.
It was great.
Did she suspect anything? She didn't suspect a thing.
Great, great- Okay, I gotta go- Hi, sweetheart.
Mother.
How are you? Look at you! What? You look incredible! Do I? You're glowing! I am? I met someone.
No! Yes! No! Yes.
His name's Phil.
Phil? What did I tell you? I know you did! You were jumping the gun.
I know, thank you, sweetheart.
He's so sweet.
And, uh! The sex! I can't tell you! The sex? Oh, my God! You had sex with Phil?! Oh, honey- You just met the man! I mean, I'm good for a few minutes, but he goes and goes and goes- Okay, okay- So, I faked it! You know- It worked out- This is a mega-overshare.
Oh, come on! Plus, he's an astronaut.
He's an astronaut?! I'm not kidding.
Like in space? The kind that go to space.
I told him all about you and your life and your career and, uhhe's got some advice.
He's got some pointers.
Phil, the astronaut, has advice for me?? He's achieved something.
I think you can take a pointer or two from him.
Well- At least you don't need the, uh, boob lift anymore.
Well, I'm gonna need a lift and I'm gonna need the augmentation.
'Cause Phil the astronaut likes 'em big.
So, basically, I just paid a shoe salesman $100 to sleep with my mother.
Unbelievable! Hello? Hey, Karen, it's Spenny! Hey! How are you? I'm calling from China! en: Oh, my God! It sounds crazy! It hasn't been the same since the Olympics, but it's wonderful here.
It's wonderful.
How's Jessica? She's the same, it's- It's not pleasant.
They're very, very passionate about their politics here.
What time is it there? Um Um My foreskin is stretching.
And the China plan is buying me time.
It's a win-win! Rock 'n roll, baby! Lean into it! You're Tommy Hamilton of Aerosmith! These guitars are heavy! That's rock 'n roll, baby! Now, Mildred, Think Marlon Brando in "The Godfather.
" Yeah.
That's it.
Okay, Jessica, cue the smoke! Okay, just hold it one second- il: This looksfantastic! Yeah? Yeah.
How was space? Oh! Hahaha! She told you that? Yeah, you're an astronaut.
Yeah, well, you know, it holds a little more clout than a shoe salesman.
What were you thinking? We're talking about my mother.
Absolutely.
You asked me to compliment her.
I asked you to compliment her! Not talk your way into her bedroom! Actually, we were mostly in the living room and the kitchen- You son of a bitch!!! I can't believe you'd sink- Ugh! Ugh! Incredible, incredible Ow! Ow! I miss you.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow The good news is that I'm about a half inch away from being an uncircumcised man.
The bad news is that since I made Jessica the VP of development, I have to hear her stupid novelty ideas.
New shoes.
Don't worry about it.
So, what's up, Jessica? Okay, we're almost done the calendar, so I got some great ideas for our next project.
Jess- Come on.
I've got some good ones.
Sweetie, don't take it the wrong way.
You're not ready.
Look, it's, it's novelty gifts.
It takes years.
The next thing we're going to do is, you know, my idea- en: Spenny? What are you doing here? Karen! Do you know what would be nice? Is if maybe somebody introduced me.
I'm sorry, I'm Karen.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Spencer's assistant.
Jessica! How are you? She's great! She's great! Are you okay? Yes? Good.
I hear they're doing great things in China right now.
What- Yeah, you know, Chinese food, knock-offs- No, the clinic.
That you went to in China with Spenny.
I never went to China.
You didn't? Spenny, what's going on? I was busted and the only thing that came to mind was Chelsea's lame hiccup advice.
I'm just So Hiccup! Hiccup! I've just been trying to- I don't know how I can- Hiccup! Hiccup! I still can't believe the hiccups worked.
Unbelievable.
I told you.
It works every time.
And look! Now you have a date on Friday.
I know, that's the problem! I've got a date, I need a foreskin by then! This thing's good but it's just not going to cut it.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Wait! Wa-wa-wa-wait! You said it's about gravity, right? Yeah.
I got it What? What? Mmmhmm.
AHHHHHHHHHH! MY PENIS!!! Oh, my God I told you not to overdo it.
How bad is it? It looks like an anteater.
What am I going to do?! You have to be re-circumcised.
Oh, my God! So, my foreskin has become a five-skin.
Now I'm sporting something that looks like it could blow insulation into attics.
So, I'm against circumcision, and I've been circumcised twice? I wonder if Guinness has a record for this? Karen.
Spenny! What are you doing here? Somehow, in my drug-induced state, I told her everything.
How Jessica didn't have cancer, how I lied about going to China and how I was circumcised from the very beginning- SLAP! Oh, Spencer It's not your best day, is it, dear? Well, don't you worry.
You're gonna meet somebody.
Sure you are.
Possibly.
I don't know.
I mean, there's no guarantees in life, right? Pardon me.
Sorry, excuse me-