Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Taming of the Dude
Sync and edits by YesCool you were way above average last night.
Definitely among my top nine sexes.
I banged a lot of Walmart greeters in my day, and you, my dear, are definitely the youngest.
Well, you should probably be on your way.
Oh, well, I enjoyed meeting all of you.
And I enjoyed all your tan lines.
Can you believe this guy? I know, he is a consensual sex machine.
How does he do it? He doesn't even break a sweat.
Whoo.
That sentence really winded me a little bit.
Come on.
You guys know how to pick up ladies, right? It's just like riding a bicycle naked into a lady.
Sure, we're pick-up artists.
Love 'em and leave 'em, that's us.
I hope you're wearing a helmet on that bicycle.
Oh, awkward mumble.
Ok.
So maybe Ennis is dating more than we are, but I'd rather look for love than cheap sex any day.
Larry's desperate rationalizations have given me an idea.
I'm gonna fix you losers.
Tonight, I'm taking you to date school.
Class begins at sex-thirty.
Actually, you know what, 7:00 is better for me.
Hi, Sue.
You're not going to Ennis' date school? No, no.
No one should ever be subjected to the teachings of Ennis Hofftard.
Well, except the students at this school.
Besides, I'm busy trolling the Internet for dates.
Also figs, apricots, something called a pluot.
Oh, add to cart.
You know, there are other ways for women like us to find fulfillment without a man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not entirely comfortable with where you're going with this.
Although I did spend a blissful semester at Sarah Lawrence, and I did briefly own a subaru.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe after a drink or two.
What the?! The rest of your life begins now.
Follow me.
Oh, lord.
What kind of b-story am I mixed up in this time? Now, once I open this door, you can't unsee what I'm about to non-hide from you.
Welcome to pillow fight club.
We meet here after work when no men are around.
This is about taking back pillow fights for ourselves.
this isn't for guys to watch.
Sometimes, women want to have a pillow fight and not make out at the end.
Also, it makes baby laugh.
I don't know.
Some-ahh! Hand me that memory foam, miracle, because this bitch is about to get amnesia.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
I'm Ennis Hofftard, legendary hound.
Do you like mansions, caviar and ladies? Well, I can't help you with the first two, but the ladies? That's as simple as Yowza! Want to learn how to do that yourself? It's as easy as taking my class in the Hofftard method.
Not now, Mrs.
Dembowitz.
I'm making a video with your granddaughters.
Call now.
It's only 19.
95- 49.
95.
What did we just watch? It's my promo tape for the date school I taught in the nineties.
It's how I paid my way through traffic grad school.
Sign up for my class and by the end, you'll be waist-deep in boobs or it's 79.
95 guaranteed.
Count me out.
Nobody in their right mind would pay you for- you guys find dates any way you want.
I'm gonna keep trying to find love my own way.
The right way.
- So you think your ways are better than mine? Care to make it interesting? No, I don't want to make it interesting.
This isn't a game.
And yet by saying the word "game," you've agreed that there is a game.
Let the games begin.
Whoever bags the first broad wins.
But I don't want to bag a broad! I want to fall in love with a broad.
- Oh, I mean a woman! - And we're off.
- Why am I running? Sync for xii by yescool - sit down and shut up - - season 1, episode 6- Ennis: Do you think it's impossible to acquire intercourse? You probably also think it's impossible to fly.
Hi-yah! I'm fine! Thank you.
I am Ennigma, your teacher.
Well, well, well, looks like Mr.
romance has decided to join my class.
You here to pick up some pointers to help you win our contest? Yeah, there is no contest, and you're actually in my class.
Fine.
But keep the ball play to a minimum on your side of the gym while I keep the ball play at a maximum on mine.
Just go easy on the sex talk, ok? Right, class, grip your shuttlecocks like I taught you and start whacking vigorously.
I think I'm finished.
And now, my sex-prentices, let's begin with my guaranteed methods for picking up women.
Or in Helen's case, vaguely male-like objects.
Not offended, just intrigued.
It's time to learn how to nail it.
Nail negotiate, acquire, intercourse, leave.
So that's what it stands for.
Now, let's begin with the approach.
Always carry a cane.
Makes you look regal, or crippled, which is great for pity sex.
There's another kind? You represent the chain of lies- registered trademark, hoff-sex company, 1994- that lead into bed.
Go.
I invented Facebook.
I remember your name.
I am dying of a rare disease that can only be cured by boobs.
My back doesn't sweat when I sleep.
Ahem, ahem, ahem, I play professional round ball - for the Minnesota yank socks? - No! A chain of lies is only as strong as its weakest fib.
Recover.
My mansion is good, that's it.
Haunted.
And therefore? We'll have too the sex here in the discount carpet warehouse bathroom.
Outstandingly perfect.
You've completed the chain of lies.
All: Whoo! Congratulations.
You're ready to take this to the streets and aim your horniness at unsuspecting strangers.
Hurray! We're all going to fall in love and make Teddy bears! Hey, Toby, pal, come on back.
That's totally inappropriate for you.
Miracle: Pillow fight club doesn't stop at the gym.
You will find sisters of the pillow everywhere.
Here's your nacho supreme latte.
This one's on me.
But we serve one country.
This is bigger than I ever imagined.
Too big to trust to a pigeon brain like miracle.
She's bitten off more than she can chew.
I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.
Not madame foreman, have you reached your verdict nervous, to not madame foreman, so I'll be the windached beneath your ears; that little voice inside your head saying, "don't be nervous.
" Just pretend it's 2005 and you're asking for an interest-only loan from any of several existing banks.
Oh, it's a short-term sex loan with no intention of paying it back.
Sure, I might bundle it together and sell it as securities back mortgages.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Once the chinese start to ask for their money back from the treasury, this entire economy's going to go into the! Crap, I'm broke! Go for it, my little pollywogs.
Stuart, c-cups at 12 o'clock.
Happy, alcoholic grandmas, starboard side.
Andrew, freaky-looking euro backpacker, solo dancing.
Helen, that skinny bartender who resembles a coat rack looks just drunk enough to make a mistake.
Ride out.
Stop, Helen.
You're hitting on a barstool, and you know it.
Oh, Larry.
You here to lose our contest? Again, no contest.
No, I'm here because your sleazy methods will end in disaster, and I would like to offer my friends a healthier option.
Like apple dippers instead of french fries? Hey, Larry, nobody wants your apple dippers.
Stuart, tell that Philly you want to dip your apple in her imitation caramel sauce.
Give me that! Stuart, be sincere.
Tell her something truthful about yourself.
Sorry, the voices in my head are giving me conflicting advice right now.
Uh, fun fact I have 15 arrests and no convictions.
Look, Willard, try to find common ground with that nice lady.
No! Tell her you think she's common street meet and you want to do sex at her on the ground with her privates.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you, but I heard the word "meat.
" Do you have any meat? It doesn't need to be fresh.
Give me that! Ow! You're hurting me! Give it! I want it! Let me have it! Let go of it! All: Ow! Ok, Larry.
You said you could pick up a woman with honesty? I'd honestly like to see that.
Ha! Great.
Now I'm talking like this vanilla bean.
You know what? So that each of you can finally understand how stupid Ennis' tactics really are, I will demonstrate how a gentleman picks up a lady.
How about that damsel? Ooh, let's pick someone else.
I've been circling her wagon for about a month, which, on the Larry plan, means I'm about six weeks away - from doing this from across the bar.
- "I'm Larry, and I don't want to talk to a girl!" This guy with the that was me doing you, being afraid to talk to a girl.
That was a spot on Larry.
My trick is, I pretend I tucked up my balls, like Larry does.
All right, fine.
Here it goes.
Watch and learn how a lady likes to be spoken to.
Hi.
Hi.
Ah so, you finally decide to talk to me.
Wait, you've noticed me here before? I've certainly noticed you, looking at me.
I figured you're about six weeks away from making some kind of gesture across the bar.
Um, my name's Marie.
I know, I know.
I have seen you sign your receipts so many times.
And the curlicue on your ms suggest that you have a bubbly personality, but would also make a good mother.
Hi.
My name's Larry.
Hi, Larry.
Nice to finally meet my stalker.
Kidding.
Contact, yes.
Hey, Marie, so that I don't have to break up an anecdote later, I'm going to run to the boy's room now, but I'll try not to- both: Fall in.
'Cause I pee sitting down.
So I don't know if you caught any of that, but I just threw some honesty chum in the waters, and I reeled in a great white.
I mean, she's not great because she's white.
She could have been black or asian.
Point is, I was just being myself and I got a great, beautiful white girl.
This can't be.
He's cheating somehow.
Well, hello, man dressed in a conversation starting manner.
That loser Larry? What did he use on you? The triple flim flam? Said he's an astronaut, got a terminal disease and tried to sell you steak knives? Well, if you like him, then you're gonna love me.
Because I'm just like Larry, but I am an astronaut.
Can I interest you in these? They were designed by NASA to cut steaks on the moon.
Which is where I got my terminal disease-moon aids.
It's non-catchy.
Ok, this is vastly different than a minute ago.
I'm sorry, Larry.
You're nice, but I've been looking for a guy like Ennis for a long time.
Sorry, Larry.
She just fell right into my lap.
Sorry, Ennis.
You just fell right into my trap.
So, did anyone else get lucky this weekend, or was I the only one? Ooh, tell me more, tell me, whore.
Well, I don't want to give you the dirty details, but let's just say I hit the jackpot.
Oh, addams family slot machine.
You wore me out, daddy! Already? But you just paid out two minutes ago.
Ok, but this time, I'm on top.
Well, I nearly scored, but I built my chain of lies too effectively.
When it was time to go home with her, I spent four hours in the parking lot searching for my Maserati.
So then I had to carjack a Maserati.
Anyway, my trial's in July.
Ah, I sure could use one more lesson from Ennis.
Oh, Ennigma, thank God.
We still have so much more to learn.
And I have so much to teach you about being in love.
What?! You're in love with a woman you just met? But that's what I do.
Oh, Larry.
If thou truly knewest of love, you'd be talking like an old-timey English guy like me, guv'nor, for I am in love.
I'm in love with being in love.
I just want to the out of being in love! So you're all done, then, with your game playing? Of course not.
Maria and I are hosting a game night at my place, and you're all invited.
We'll be playing super cranium.
And if things get too rambunctious, regular cranium.
Bring your imaginations.
And one canned good for those less fortunate than us.
The louder they yell, the harder they fall.
No, actually I think she fell because your pillow case is filled with oranges and light bulbs.
You know that breaks the first rule of pillow fight club.
I thought the first rule of pillow fight club was you do not talk about pillow fight club.
Then how are we having this conversation? Think, Sue.
Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you hit that woman with a bag full of ferrets.
Your fighting pillow has to be something you can sleep on.
A bag full of ferrets is a hobo pillow.
Miracle, I'm concerned that you may not have the mental thread count to run pillow fight club.
You think you could run this club better? Well, then.
Tomorrow night, pillows at 8:00.
Rawr! Like I told my roommate at Sarah Lawrence- you're going down.
On a cold winter's night, you - tomato soup! It's that movie- Gattaca.
What- bechamel sauce! Ok, can we start the game now? Will you get the dwinks, bumble? It would be my pwesure, bee.
Oh, Marie and I have a new way of talking.
It's called baby talk.
Registered trademark.
It's incredible.
Or should I say "incwedible.
" You've gotta twy it.
Cat: What are you doing, man?! You're so cutesy, you're making me sick! And I'm not kidding! We gotta get the out of here! What a cute kitty! Oh! Oh, yeah, man! I could be cool with this.
What are you standing around for? Get the drinks! Does kitty like yarn? Because I love to knit.
Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Get the dwinks, man! All: I have to go to the bathroom.
So what's going on with Ennis? It's like he's turned into some horrible kind of Larry! I'm not sure that's necessarily bad.
All: Oh, it is.
It is.
We better check the medicine cabinet for Ennis' balls, because they are clearly-oh, Vicodin! We've gotta get the old Ennis back.
The way they feed each other strawberries disgusts me.
They're wasting the stems! Yeah.
We need a plan to break them up.
We've got to take her down! I've got it.
I'll give her half of these vic- two of these vic- yeah, we need a plan I know the cutesiness is off-putting, but it is real, and we should be happy for him.
I mean, Ennis is in love with a woman that I met first and seemed to have a real connection with, and, yes, thank you, it is very big of me to be happy for him- Ohoh, Larry's right.
We've got to kill her.
I've already sharped her toothbrush into a shiv! All: Kill, kill, kill! Guys, guys, come on! Everyone, just take a deep breath and relax for four seconds.
Ah, thanks, everyone.
You can go back to being an angry mob.
Now, gang, you do not need Ennis' techniques to find someone.
You just be yourselves, ok? And here's a conversation starter "hey, what's your favorite kind of ice cream? Mine is vanilla.
" Now, obviously you're going to insert your own flavor there, but you'd be very hard pressed to beat vanilla.
Chain of lies on three.
Ready? One, two, lie! I'm successful and taller than I am.
I'm not out of Vicodin.
I own 15 pizzas.
I am berkshire hathaway, richest man in newspaper.
Hello, chums.
I have an announcement to celebrate.
Emstel lights for everyone.
Emstel light the beer of men who are only going to have one beer.
You've seen the ads.
thanks for the emstel light oops, there's my wife, I gotta go announcer: Emstel light the beer of men who are only going to have one beer.
A toast to the good old womanizing Ennis.
All: Hurray! Who's dead forever as tonight, because in a few hours, I'm gonna propose to Marie, whose last name I do not know.
This box contains the sexy remnants of my filthy past.
Use them and think of me.
Well, I for one salute you, Ennis.
That is a special, special girl That you stole from me.
Not upset, high road.
Thanks, Lar.
You know, these days of being a totally whipped half-douche have been the best of my life.
I have feelings now, and I owe it all to you.
I want you to be my best man.
Oh, my goodness! Yes, yes, he said, before Ennis could take it all back.
You know, I was secretly still a little pissed off at you, but now I get to rent a to texito all right, you go propose.
There will be time later to talk about hairstyles and colors.
I brought you into this so you'd have one memory that wasn't deep fried, but there can only be one leader of pillow fight club.
I wouldn't let you lead a club sandwich.
It's like they say- you n lead a club sandwich to Sue's mouth, but it's already full of pudding.
Are we going to make tart-tongued zings all day, or are we going to dance? These are too big for my fingers.
Oh, dear.
Genital sombreros.
This is all that is left of old Ennis.
Again, only 9.
95 to get sexy ladies like this.
I'll be back in a sec, don't go anywhere.
This is boring.
I miss Ennis.
Can you fast forward? Wait a minute.
Is that happy, zoom in.
Rotate 15 degrees.
Enhance.
Wow, that's a good v.
C.
R.
Contemporize haircut.
Rewind the timecode two minutes and 43 seconds.
Not now, Mrs.
Dembowitz.
I'm making a video with your granddaughters.
Dembowitz.
I know that name.
Marie dembowitz! That's Ennis' my Marie! Ennis said he'd be back in one second, but it's been two weeks! Jerk.
Broke my heart.
Well, at least I've still got my beautiful hands.
No! Ennis Hofftard, no matter how long it takes, I will track you down, make you love me, and then break your heart! Oh, my God, we have to stop her! You think if we put romancing the stone in this wonderful v.
C.
R.
, it can take kathleen Turner's shirt off? Worst case, we get to watch romancing the stone! Ah, the school roof.
The most romantic low to no-cost location in knob haven.
Shall I cut the Salisbury steak for milady, or would you like your fudge brownie first? I've got to stop Ennis.
Manatee crossing? Why would a man oh, no.
Oh, don't stop and look at me.
All right, I better just call Ennis.
Marie, I think you'll like this new ringtone.
I hollowed it out with a melon scooper.
I'm not even out of my contract.
That's how much I love you.
Oh, Ennis, this is perfect.
You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment.
Ennis, don't do it! Don't ok, that's too far.
Let's try this.
Ennis, don't-nope, still too far.
copyright infringement now that I've finished singing that current hit pop song, I only have one question will You Muh- air rie Ennis! It's a trap! Oh, this is the new annex.
I did not realize they had finished it.
This is really nice.
Me? To recap, will you marry me? Let's just get this annoying glove off.
That's odd.
You seem to be wearing an under-glove made of raisin skin.
Oh, my God! That's your hand! Yes! It is I, bikini girl number two from your date school video.
You left me in that hot tub for two weeks, and I swore revenge.
I'm getting kind of sidetracked here.
Will you marry me or not? No.
My answer is no.
Oh, God! No! No, Ennis, don't! It's a trap! I'm too late, aren't I? It is too late.
My new feelings, they're breaking! They're feeling all over me.
God, it burns! Ennis, just stay calm.
Look on the bright side now you can go back to womanizing.
No, I can't risk this pain.
I'll never look at another woman again.
I'm doomed to walk the earth like a ghost that knows not the touch of a woman, nor the scent.
And like that, he was gone.
Ennis! Get it together! You gotta snap out of this! I want to make a trap! Sue! Dummy! Oh Oh, my.
The legends of pillow fight club are true! It's like I've died and gone to skinemax heaven.
Like a sex Phoenix, Ennis Hofftard rises again! Oh! And again.
No! My revenge! Ruined! Yes, I've thwarted your evil plan.
So, Marie, now that I've thwarted your evil plan, I have to ask, is it just me or did we have a connection back at the bar? I wouldn't mind- oh, my God, are those your hands? Sync and edits by YesCool
Definitely among my top nine sexes.
I banged a lot of Walmart greeters in my day, and you, my dear, are definitely the youngest.
Well, you should probably be on your way.
Oh, well, I enjoyed meeting all of you.
And I enjoyed all your tan lines.
Can you believe this guy? I know, he is a consensual sex machine.
How does he do it? He doesn't even break a sweat.
Whoo.
That sentence really winded me a little bit.
Come on.
You guys know how to pick up ladies, right? It's just like riding a bicycle naked into a lady.
Sure, we're pick-up artists.
Love 'em and leave 'em, that's us.
I hope you're wearing a helmet on that bicycle.
Oh, awkward mumble.
Ok.
So maybe Ennis is dating more than we are, but I'd rather look for love than cheap sex any day.
Larry's desperate rationalizations have given me an idea.
I'm gonna fix you losers.
Tonight, I'm taking you to date school.
Class begins at sex-thirty.
Actually, you know what, 7:00 is better for me.
Hi, Sue.
You're not going to Ennis' date school? No, no.
No one should ever be subjected to the teachings of Ennis Hofftard.
Well, except the students at this school.
Besides, I'm busy trolling the Internet for dates.
Also figs, apricots, something called a pluot.
Oh, add to cart.
You know, there are other ways for women like us to find fulfillment without a man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am not entirely comfortable with where you're going with this.
Although I did spend a blissful semester at Sarah Lawrence, and I did briefly own a subaru.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe after a drink or two.
What the?! The rest of your life begins now.
Follow me.
Oh, lord.
What kind of b-story am I mixed up in this time? Now, once I open this door, you can't unsee what I'm about to non-hide from you.
Welcome to pillow fight club.
We meet here after work when no men are around.
This is about taking back pillow fights for ourselves.
this isn't for guys to watch.
Sometimes, women want to have a pillow fight and not make out at the end.
Also, it makes baby laugh.
I don't know.
Some-ahh! Hand me that memory foam, miracle, because this bitch is about to get amnesia.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
I'm Ennis Hofftard, legendary hound.
Do you like mansions, caviar and ladies? Well, I can't help you with the first two, but the ladies? That's as simple as Yowza! Want to learn how to do that yourself? It's as easy as taking my class in the Hofftard method.
Not now, Mrs.
Dembowitz.
I'm making a video with your granddaughters.
Call now.
It's only 19.
95- 49.
95.
What did we just watch? It's my promo tape for the date school I taught in the nineties.
It's how I paid my way through traffic grad school.
Sign up for my class and by the end, you'll be waist-deep in boobs or it's 79.
95 guaranteed.
Count me out.
Nobody in their right mind would pay you for- you guys find dates any way you want.
I'm gonna keep trying to find love my own way.
The right way.
- So you think your ways are better than mine? Care to make it interesting? No, I don't want to make it interesting.
This isn't a game.
And yet by saying the word "game," you've agreed that there is a game.
Let the games begin.
Whoever bags the first broad wins.
But I don't want to bag a broad! I want to fall in love with a broad.
- Oh, I mean a woman! - And we're off.
- Why am I running? Sync for xii by yescool - sit down and shut up - - season 1, episode 6- Ennis: Do you think it's impossible to acquire intercourse? You probably also think it's impossible to fly.
Hi-yah! I'm fine! Thank you.
I am Ennigma, your teacher.
Well, well, well, looks like Mr.
romance has decided to join my class.
You here to pick up some pointers to help you win our contest? Yeah, there is no contest, and you're actually in my class.
Fine.
But keep the ball play to a minimum on your side of the gym while I keep the ball play at a maximum on mine.
Just go easy on the sex talk, ok? Right, class, grip your shuttlecocks like I taught you and start whacking vigorously.
I think I'm finished.
And now, my sex-prentices, let's begin with my guaranteed methods for picking up women.
Or in Helen's case, vaguely male-like objects.
Not offended, just intrigued.
It's time to learn how to nail it.
Nail negotiate, acquire, intercourse, leave.
So that's what it stands for.
Now, let's begin with the approach.
Always carry a cane.
Makes you look regal, or crippled, which is great for pity sex.
There's another kind? You represent the chain of lies- registered trademark, hoff-sex company, 1994- that lead into bed.
Go.
I invented Facebook.
I remember your name.
I am dying of a rare disease that can only be cured by boobs.
My back doesn't sweat when I sleep.
Ahem, ahem, ahem, I play professional round ball - for the Minnesota yank socks? - No! A chain of lies is only as strong as its weakest fib.
Recover.
My mansion is good, that's it.
Haunted.
And therefore? We'll have too the sex here in the discount carpet warehouse bathroom.
Outstandingly perfect.
You've completed the chain of lies.
All: Whoo! Congratulations.
You're ready to take this to the streets and aim your horniness at unsuspecting strangers.
Hurray! We're all going to fall in love and make Teddy bears! Hey, Toby, pal, come on back.
That's totally inappropriate for you.
Miracle: Pillow fight club doesn't stop at the gym.
You will find sisters of the pillow everywhere.
Here's your nacho supreme latte.
This one's on me.
But we serve one country.
This is bigger than I ever imagined.
Too big to trust to a pigeon brain like miracle.
She's bitten off more than she can chew.
I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.
Not madame foreman, have you reached your verdict nervous, to not madame foreman, so I'll be the windached beneath your ears; that little voice inside your head saying, "don't be nervous.
" Just pretend it's 2005 and you're asking for an interest-only loan from any of several existing banks.
Oh, it's a short-term sex loan with no intention of paying it back.
Sure, I might bundle it together and sell it as securities back mortgages.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Once the chinese start to ask for their money back from the treasury, this entire economy's going to go into the! Crap, I'm broke! Go for it, my little pollywogs.
Stuart, c-cups at 12 o'clock.
Happy, alcoholic grandmas, starboard side.
Andrew, freaky-looking euro backpacker, solo dancing.
Helen, that skinny bartender who resembles a coat rack looks just drunk enough to make a mistake.
Ride out.
Stop, Helen.
You're hitting on a barstool, and you know it.
Oh, Larry.
You here to lose our contest? Again, no contest.
No, I'm here because your sleazy methods will end in disaster, and I would like to offer my friends a healthier option.
Like apple dippers instead of french fries? Hey, Larry, nobody wants your apple dippers.
Stuart, tell that Philly you want to dip your apple in her imitation caramel sauce.
Give me that! Stuart, be sincere.
Tell her something truthful about yourself.
Sorry, the voices in my head are giving me conflicting advice right now.
Uh, fun fact I have 15 arrests and no convictions.
Look, Willard, try to find common ground with that nice lady.
No! Tell her you think she's common street meet and you want to do sex at her on the ground with her privates.
I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you, but I heard the word "meat.
" Do you have any meat? It doesn't need to be fresh.
Give me that! Ow! You're hurting me! Give it! I want it! Let me have it! Let go of it! All: Ow! Ok, Larry.
You said you could pick up a woman with honesty? I'd honestly like to see that.
Ha! Great.
Now I'm talking like this vanilla bean.
You know what? So that each of you can finally understand how stupid Ennis' tactics really are, I will demonstrate how a gentleman picks up a lady.
How about that damsel? Ooh, let's pick someone else.
I've been circling her wagon for about a month, which, on the Larry plan, means I'm about six weeks away - from doing this from across the bar.
- "I'm Larry, and I don't want to talk to a girl!" This guy with the that was me doing you, being afraid to talk to a girl.
That was a spot on Larry.
My trick is, I pretend I tucked up my balls, like Larry does.
All right, fine.
Here it goes.
Watch and learn how a lady likes to be spoken to.
Hi.
Hi.
Ah so, you finally decide to talk to me.
Wait, you've noticed me here before? I've certainly noticed you, looking at me.
I figured you're about six weeks away from making some kind of gesture across the bar.
Um, my name's Marie.
I know, I know.
I have seen you sign your receipts so many times.
And the curlicue on your ms suggest that you have a bubbly personality, but would also make a good mother.
Hi.
My name's Larry.
Hi, Larry.
Nice to finally meet my stalker.
Kidding.
Contact, yes.
Hey, Marie, so that I don't have to break up an anecdote later, I'm going to run to the boy's room now, but I'll try not to- both: Fall in.
'Cause I pee sitting down.
So I don't know if you caught any of that, but I just threw some honesty chum in the waters, and I reeled in a great white.
I mean, she's not great because she's white.
She could have been black or asian.
Point is, I was just being myself and I got a great, beautiful white girl.
This can't be.
He's cheating somehow.
Well, hello, man dressed in a conversation starting manner.
That loser Larry? What did he use on you? The triple flim flam? Said he's an astronaut, got a terminal disease and tried to sell you steak knives? Well, if you like him, then you're gonna love me.
Because I'm just like Larry, but I am an astronaut.
Can I interest you in these? They were designed by NASA to cut steaks on the moon.
Which is where I got my terminal disease-moon aids.
It's non-catchy.
Ok, this is vastly different than a minute ago.
I'm sorry, Larry.
You're nice, but I've been looking for a guy like Ennis for a long time.
Sorry, Larry.
She just fell right into my lap.
Sorry, Ennis.
You just fell right into my trap.
So, did anyone else get lucky this weekend, or was I the only one? Ooh, tell me more, tell me, whore.
Well, I don't want to give you the dirty details, but let's just say I hit the jackpot.
Oh, addams family slot machine.
You wore me out, daddy! Already? But you just paid out two minutes ago.
Ok, but this time, I'm on top.
Well, I nearly scored, but I built my chain of lies too effectively.
When it was time to go home with her, I spent four hours in the parking lot searching for my Maserati.
So then I had to carjack a Maserati.
Anyway, my trial's in July.
Ah, I sure could use one more lesson from Ennis.
Oh, Ennigma, thank God.
We still have so much more to learn.
And I have so much to teach you about being in love.
What?! You're in love with a woman you just met? But that's what I do.
Oh, Larry.
If thou truly knewest of love, you'd be talking like an old-timey English guy like me, guv'nor, for I am in love.
I'm in love with being in love.
I just want to the out of being in love! So you're all done, then, with your game playing? Of course not.
Maria and I are hosting a game night at my place, and you're all invited.
We'll be playing super cranium.
And if things get too rambunctious, regular cranium.
Bring your imaginations.
And one canned good for those less fortunate than us.
The louder they yell, the harder they fall.
No, actually I think she fell because your pillow case is filled with oranges and light bulbs.
You know that breaks the first rule of pillow fight club.
I thought the first rule of pillow fight club was you do not talk about pillow fight club.
Then how are we having this conversation? Think, Sue.
Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you hit that woman with a bag full of ferrets.
Your fighting pillow has to be something you can sleep on.
A bag full of ferrets is a hobo pillow.
Miracle, I'm concerned that you may not have the mental thread count to run pillow fight club.
You think you could run this club better? Well, then.
Tomorrow night, pillows at 8:00.
Rawr! Like I told my roommate at Sarah Lawrence- you're going down.
On a cold winter's night, you - tomato soup! It's that movie- Gattaca.
What- bechamel sauce! Ok, can we start the game now? Will you get the dwinks, bumble? It would be my pwesure, bee.
Oh, Marie and I have a new way of talking.
It's called baby talk.
Registered trademark.
It's incredible.
Or should I say "incwedible.
" You've gotta twy it.
Cat: What are you doing, man?! You're so cutesy, you're making me sick! And I'm not kidding! We gotta get the out of here! What a cute kitty! Oh! Oh, yeah, man! I could be cool with this.
What are you standing around for? Get the drinks! Does kitty like yarn? Because I love to knit.
Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Get the dwinks, man! All: I have to go to the bathroom.
So what's going on with Ennis? It's like he's turned into some horrible kind of Larry! I'm not sure that's necessarily bad.
All: Oh, it is.
It is.
We better check the medicine cabinet for Ennis' balls, because they are clearly-oh, Vicodin! We've gotta get the old Ennis back.
The way they feed each other strawberries disgusts me.
They're wasting the stems! Yeah.
We need a plan to break them up.
We've got to take her down! I've got it.
I'll give her half of these vic- two of these vic- yeah, we need a plan I know the cutesiness is off-putting, but it is real, and we should be happy for him.
I mean, Ennis is in love with a woman that I met first and seemed to have a real connection with, and, yes, thank you, it is very big of me to be happy for him- Ohoh, Larry's right.
We've got to kill her.
I've already sharped her toothbrush into a shiv! All: Kill, kill, kill! Guys, guys, come on! Everyone, just take a deep breath and relax for four seconds.
Ah, thanks, everyone.
You can go back to being an angry mob.
Now, gang, you do not need Ennis' techniques to find someone.
You just be yourselves, ok? And here's a conversation starter "hey, what's your favorite kind of ice cream? Mine is vanilla.
" Now, obviously you're going to insert your own flavor there, but you'd be very hard pressed to beat vanilla.
Chain of lies on three.
Ready? One, two, lie! I'm successful and taller than I am.
I'm not out of Vicodin.
I own 15 pizzas.
I am berkshire hathaway, richest man in newspaper.
Hello, chums.
I have an announcement to celebrate.
Emstel lights for everyone.
Emstel light the beer of men who are only going to have one beer.
You've seen the ads.
thanks for the emstel light oops, there's my wife, I gotta go announcer: Emstel light the beer of men who are only going to have one beer.
A toast to the good old womanizing Ennis.
All: Hurray! Who's dead forever as tonight, because in a few hours, I'm gonna propose to Marie, whose last name I do not know.
This box contains the sexy remnants of my filthy past.
Use them and think of me.
Well, I for one salute you, Ennis.
That is a special, special girl That you stole from me.
Not upset, high road.
Thanks, Lar.
You know, these days of being a totally whipped half-douche have been the best of my life.
I have feelings now, and I owe it all to you.
I want you to be my best man.
Oh, my goodness! Yes, yes, he said, before Ennis could take it all back.
You know, I was secretly still a little pissed off at you, but now I get to rent a to texito all right, you go propose.
There will be time later to talk about hairstyles and colors.
I brought you into this so you'd have one memory that wasn't deep fried, but there can only be one leader of pillow fight club.
I wouldn't let you lead a club sandwich.
It's like they say- you n lead a club sandwich to Sue's mouth, but it's already full of pudding.
Are we going to make tart-tongued zings all day, or are we going to dance? These are too big for my fingers.
Oh, dear.
Genital sombreros.
This is all that is left of old Ennis.
Again, only 9.
95 to get sexy ladies like this.
I'll be back in a sec, don't go anywhere.
This is boring.
I miss Ennis.
Can you fast forward? Wait a minute.
Is that happy, zoom in.
Rotate 15 degrees.
Enhance.
Wow, that's a good v.
C.
R.
Contemporize haircut.
Rewind the timecode two minutes and 43 seconds.
Not now, Mrs.
Dembowitz.
I'm making a video with your granddaughters.
Dembowitz.
I know that name.
Marie dembowitz! That's Ennis' my Marie! Ennis said he'd be back in one second, but it's been two weeks! Jerk.
Broke my heart.
Well, at least I've still got my beautiful hands.
No! Ennis Hofftard, no matter how long it takes, I will track you down, make you love me, and then break your heart! Oh, my God, we have to stop her! You think if we put romancing the stone in this wonderful v.
C.
R.
, it can take kathleen Turner's shirt off? Worst case, we get to watch romancing the stone! Ah, the school roof.
The most romantic low to no-cost location in knob haven.
Shall I cut the Salisbury steak for milady, or would you like your fudge brownie first? I've got to stop Ennis.
Manatee crossing? Why would a man oh, no.
Oh, don't stop and look at me.
All right, I better just call Ennis.
Marie, I think you'll like this new ringtone.
I hollowed it out with a melon scooper.
I'm not even out of my contract.
That's how much I love you.
Oh, Ennis, this is perfect.
You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment.
Ennis, don't do it! Don't ok, that's too far.
Let's try this.
Ennis, don't-nope, still too far.
copyright infringement now that I've finished singing that current hit pop song, I only have one question will You Muh- air rie Ennis! It's a trap! Oh, this is the new annex.
I did not realize they had finished it.
This is really nice.
Me? To recap, will you marry me? Let's just get this annoying glove off.
That's odd.
You seem to be wearing an under-glove made of raisin skin.
Oh, my God! That's your hand! Yes! It is I, bikini girl number two from your date school video.
You left me in that hot tub for two weeks, and I swore revenge.
I'm getting kind of sidetracked here.
Will you marry me or not? No.
My answer is no.
Oh, God! No! No, Ennis, don't! It's a trap! I'm too late, aren't I? It is too late.
My new feelings, they're breaking! They're feeling all over me.
God, it burns! Ennis, just stay calm.
Look on the bright side now you can go back to womanizing.
No, I can't risk this pain.
I'll never look at another woman again.
I'm doomed to walk the earth like a ghost that knows not the touch of a woman, nor the scent.
And like that, he was gone.
Ennis! Get it together! You gotta snap out of this! I want to make a trap! Sue! Dummy! Oh Oh, my.
The legends of pillow fight club are true! It's like I've died and gone to skinemax heaven.
Like a sex Phoenix, Ennis Hofftard rises again! Oh! And again.
No! My revenge! Ruined! Yes, I've thwarted your evil plan.
So, Marie, now that I've thwarted your evil plan, I have to ask, is it just me or did we have a connection back at the bar? I wouldn't mind- oh, my God, are those your hands? Sync and edits by YesCool