Sledge Hammer! s01e06 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Hey, buddy.
I told you three times there's no smoking permitted in this area.
Stuff it, cop.
Why don't you make me put it out? I can smoke any time I want to.
Not when it's against the law.
Personally, the only kind of smoking I approve of comes from the barreI of a gun.
Hammer, you came within an inch of that man's face.
I know.
I must be pulling to the left.
Hammer, I just got a call from the schooI board.
- They've got a problem - Why don't you yell at me for firing the gun? What's the point? He's using psychology on me.
As I was saying The board called.
They've got a problem with gangs at one of our district schools.
It is totaI chaos over there.
The kids aren't learning anything.
- The teachers are afraid to come to work.
- How's the food? Hammer! I'm talking about Lloyd H Langrem MemoriaI High SchooI.
When did it become memoriaI? About ten minutes ago.
The board is asking for help from one of our law enforcement officials.
And they've specifically requested you, Hammer.
Now, wait a minute.
I don't wanna baby-sit for some wimpy, runny-nosed zit faces.
Alternatively, what about the programme where convicts warn youths about prison? Prisoners came to speak at the schooI last month.
The kids aided them in making an escape.
Oh.
These animals are violent and destructive, with no respect for authority.
Don't worry, Captain.
I won't be suckered in by their virtues.
Besides, we're talking about kids here.
I mean How bad can they be? Now, come on, stupid Stupid, come on.
Hey, dude.
That's our spot.
Move! Get out! Shoot! Hee-hee! Come on, come on Daddy, we're leaving.
Go! Get him! Hey, baby! Over here! I don't think it'd hurt you to miss lunch today, Porky! "I will not " "talk in class.
" Good.
I'm glad to see some attempt at discipline around here.
Oh, no.
They're making me write this 100 times.
What? What kind of teacher are you? I forget.
I haven't taught in years but they do bring me an apple every day.
Barbara! Throw it! Throw it over here! - I've seen enough.
- Hammer, don't! Good morning, boys and girls.
Now I'd like everybody to take a seat.
Pronto! All right, you in the back.
- Come on, sit down.
- OK, anything you say.
All right, listen up.
I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer and this is my gun.
Another cop? We had a SWAT team in here yesterday.
Hey, fox - I'm Turk.
- Hey, Turk! I'm Detective Dori Doreau.
Baby, you ain't nothin' to me but a badge and legs.
Yeah! Hey, truant - You're late.
- Hey, gimme a break, all right? I had to jump baiI to get here.
Son, that's no excuse for tardiness.
- My old lady didn't wake me.
- Your mother? No My old lady.
You think you're tough, don't you? You wanna go through puberty again? OK, just take a seat junior slimeball.
Whatever you say.
All right, listen up.
You kids have been getting away with murder.
What do you mean, getting away? I did two years.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's time you students got a little education.
Now I may not read a criminaI his rights but at least I know how to read! Yeah? What's your favourite book? War And Peace.
The first half.
- Where do you think you're going? - The track.
Are you on the track team? No, I got a bet on the fifth race.
- Well, class isn't over yet, ragweed! - It is for us.
- We run this schooI! - Yeah! I'm gonna shake you down for weapons, by your ankles! Hammer! Adolescents have speciaI rights.
They're underage.
You mean I have to wait untiI he's 18 before I throw him off a roof? - Oh, I'm almost finished.
- Will you stop that? Oh.
Hammer? Hammer? What's going on at that schooI? You've made over $1,000 in requisitions.
What's all this for? I had to get some teaching aids, you know Sledge, I checked the licence plates of that limo at the schooI.
Vehicle's registered to a racketeer named Ralph Roscoe.
Ralph Roscoe Probably a visitor for Career Day.
- Hey, I was there first.
- Hey, knock it off! - I'm telling you - Hello, boys.
- Hello, Mr Roscoe.
- Mr Roscoe! You're lookin' nice today.
Hey, car's all ready.
- Good.
Here's your renumeration.
- What's that? - Didn't you learn anything in schooI today? - No.
Good.
Keep it that way.
Cop named Sledge Hammer came to speak to our class today.
Sledge Hammer? A flaky cop who yak-yaks to his gun? - Yeah.
- We told him to take a hike.
You're good boys, just like your old paI, Whitey.
- He's my driver now.
- All right.
I can always use smart boys like you in my organisation.
- All right.
- Thanks, Mr Roscoe.
Hey, get out of the way, man! Maybe some of you junior scum can't read, so I'll tell you what the sign says.
"PrincipaI.
" With a running start, we could flatten this flatfoot.
- I wouldn't back up if I were you.
- Oh, yeah? Hey, what the Damn! What's with you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I was blocking the sign.
If you'd I'm I don't know where my head is at! - Move it.
- Get out of the way.
- Come on.
- Hey! Good morning, greaseheads.
Before you enter the class, I'm gonna search you for weapons.
Not without cause.
You're never gonna know whether we got weapons or not.
You can't lay a finger on us.
What's this? All right, teen vermin.
Empty your pockets right here.
Come on, let's see it.
Come on! Must have lost 30 pounds, butterball.
All right, hold it, creep.
Oh, I'm so I'm sorry, miss.
Once those are removed, your teeth will be good and straight.
Orthodontia's good.
Go ahead.
All right, attention, miniature misfits.
I am your substitute teacher.
"Mr "Hammer.
" Ooh, I gotta cut my nails.
Where's our regular teacher? He took an easier assignment as a janitor at ChernobyI.
You have impeded the learning process for the last time.
You are now going to learn something.
We're gonna start with the basics.
That's not how you spell it.
"Today "you die ".
.
maggot.
" That's the way you threaten somebody with good grammar.
Let's move on to the evolution of mankind.
Modern man.
Caveman.
The missing link.
Turk can you prove you're a homo sapien? I'm normaI! I know plenty of girls.
That's it, Hammer! I ain't taking no more of you! You're pretty big with a gun.
How are you with your fists? That sweet talk won't gain you any Brownie points.
Tear him apart, Turk! Come on, Turk.
Remember You can't touch me.
I'm a student.
Keep this up, Turk, and you'll be a shoo-in for class clown.
At least you're learning to dot your Is.
Thanks for cleaning off my desk.
You're becoming a regular teacher's helper.
Nobody makes a fooI of Turk.
Too late.
It's already happened, kid.
Kill him, Turk! - I'm gonna get him.
- Maybe we should just let it be.
He is a cop.
Cop or no cop, he's dead meat.
No doubt about it.
That's Roscoe and his thugs leaving Langrem High.
Good work, Doreau.
Why is Roscoe running a car ring out of a high schooI? Cheap labour? Where have you been, Hammer? I expected you two hours ago.
- I had to take the bus.
- A bus? Where's your car? It disappeared, OK? Somebody stole Hammer's car.
Don't worry.
I got a pretty good hunch where it is.
The Deuces have graduated to auto theft.
Hammer, yours isn't the first car they've stolen.
They're working for Roscoe.
Give up on those kids.
Doreau, I'm surprised at you.
Your instincts are usually so nurturing and caring.
Hammer, they're rotten apples.
They're hopeless.
Hopeless.
Yeah? I knew another hopeless kid.
He made it tough on everybody in schooI.
He was such a bully that he didn't care what he did to anybody.
He ran the schooI ground, disrupted the class.
- I suppose you took care of him.
- No.
You see, that bully was me.
But I learned a lesson.
If someone gives these kids the proper guidance they can do wrong for the right reasons.
I can All right, forget it! I'll take care of it myself, all right? I don't need your help.
I don't need anybody's help! Doreau, could you give me a ride to the schooI.
cos the kids stole my car.
Did you have a nice walk this morning, Inspector? Poor Hammer.
I remember how bad I felt when my mom's car was stolen.
Oh, yeah? How long did it take you to give it back, you onion-sucking pizza face? Not here, Turk.
Listen, maggot, you still got time to straighten out, don't you see? You can be good people on the side of bad or bad on the side of good.
Or bad on the side of bad or good on the side of good.
- The choice is clear.
- Hammer, you're weird.
Get your stuff together.
We're taking a field trip to the precinct.
We can't go.
We ain't got no notes from our mothers.
No problem.
You're all under arrest.
Welcome to the precinct, fellers.
You can just think of this as a kind of Club Med for scum.
Oh, my God.
Try and lock me up! I like kill people! - What's wrong with him? - Too much caffeine.
Hammer, we don't have time for a guided tour around here.
Those delinquents will see the inside of this precinct soon enough.
Get rid of 'em! That's my boss, Captain Trunk.
Now, you see how much he cares? OK, Hammer, we're reaI impressed.
Can we go now? Look, let's just get right down to it.
Now, I got you guys pegged.
You like shovin' people around.
You like drivin' crazy.
Well, why not get paid for it? Consider a career in law enforcement.
Us? Cops? Cops is jerks.
Jerk? No, look.
You don't understand.
You eat free in restaurants.
You never stop for a red light.
You meet lots of interesting people and put 'em in a choke hold.
Spare us, Hammer.
We got our own career plans.
Yeah, I know about your career plans.
You think you got a future with Roscoe? That's right.
I know about him.
I know a lot about him.
- And he's cheatin' you guys.
- What are you talkin' about? Doreau Roscoe.
His assets include Swiss bank accounts, luxury condos in Maui and the upcoming plot lines on Dallas.
He gets you to steaI a car for $500 - then turns around and sells it for $5,000.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're some smart guys.
- Can we leave now? I gotta go to church.
It's my turn to steaI the collection plate.
You kids'll never learn.
You know what we just learned, Mr Roscoe? You been cheating us.
We ain't no dummies, you know.
You're dealing with the Deuces.
We don't need you.
You're out.
Guess we got an education from Hammer after all.
This is the first time we ever stripped a cop car.
- What colour shall we paint it? - Yellow.
Yeah! Ha ha ha! Well, well, well, if it isn't Turk and the Deuces.
Mr Roscoe I told you our business with you is finished.
But my business with you isn't.
All right, boys.
Lock all the doors.
Nobody, but nobody, cuts me out of the action.
It sets a bad example.
Then I have to make an example.
For example, you.
Boys Against the wall.
Come on.
Move it.
Wait a minute.
M-Mr Roscoe, what is this? St Valentine's Day is going to be a little early this year.
Turk, do somethin'.
Look, Mr Roscoe, can't we have another chance? Forget it, Turk.
I was gonna get rid of you and your gang sooner or later anyway.
I can always find some other dumb kids to work cheaper for me.
- But y-you said you could always use us.
- And we are.
We're gonna use you for target practice.
- We should have listened to Hammer.
- Shut up! Let 'em have it.
Hold it, Roscoe! These kids are under my supervision.
It's Sledge Hammer! Waste him! Huh? That's seven years' bad luck.
Yeee! Didn't I tell you kids it would lead to this? - Didn't I? - Yeah, yeah, you told us.
See how exciting police work can be? Why, you dirty No! You see? See the fun I'm having? Now, where else can you get paid for work like this? No, it's more than a job.
It's an adventure.
Get down! - He's over there.
- I know! Look out, Hammer! He wants to play chicken.
- What are the rules? - First to turn away is chicken.
I love a challenge.
Palpitation brings out the best in a person.
- Roscoe's got a car and you don't.
- He cheats at everything.
Aren't you afraid of dying? I don't know.
I've never tried it before.
I guess this is my finaI exam.
Well, if I don't pass, it's goodbye, Mr Chips.
Sorry, paI.
Joyride's over.
Book 'em on car theft, racketeering and a failure to yield the right of way.
I was scared, Hammer.
I was really scared.
I mean, you was right all along.
I was only acting tough because inside, I was afraid.
Hey, hey, hey Enough vulnerability.
I'm taking your advice.
When I graduate, I'm enrolling in the police academy.
- I'm going to be a police officer, like you! - Don't mention this to Captain Trunk.
For now, the least we could do is put your car back together.
Show him, boys That's a nice gesture.
Isn't that nice, Hammer? Darn it! Now what have you do-gooders done to my car? What's the matter? It looks nice for once.
It just doesn't feeI right.
There's something missing.
- That's better.
- You know, Hammer, I think you're right.
Wasn't there a dent here? Yee-ha! Thank you, Doreau.
Now, that's me.
Yeah, I thought so.