SLiDE (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

G'day.
You're on Mix-06.
My name's Craig and I hope you're having a sterling day.
Now, I'm just a little shady from the Mix-06 brown lounge party last night Eyes on the road, paedo.
Ohh! Watch it, mate.
Take it easy.
I'm a diabetic.
Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Oh, fucking wait, you bastard! Sorry.
Let's get this show rocking, hey, boys? Anchors aweigh.
Hey, hold on.
We got a late arrival.
Come on, gorgeous.
Hurry up! Alright, I'm coming.
Coming on the boat? No, I don't think so.
Hey, come on foxy.
You're too good-looking to leave behind.
E! Hey! Oh, God, what a trip.
Is that the ferry? Did we miss it? What's up? 'We'? Yeah.
We spoke about sneaking into the festival.
I said I was gonna write about it, remember? The whole sneaking in without a ticket thing? Mmm.
We definitely had that conversation.
And I said I'm going alone, solo, unplugged.
But One person sneaking in is hard enough.
Two people - twice as hard.
Not if you've got a plan.
And your plan is what? Well, I don't have one at the moment, but thinking of a plan is way easier with more people.
Oh, shit, Tammy.
You invited Scar.
No, I didn't! I swear.
Did you tell Luke? I maybe accidentally could have said something.
But don't worry.
We're not gonna get in your way.
We'll do our own thing.
All aboard now! De festival! Random-arse ferry! Wait, is that it? River cruise.
Hot.
Is there line dancing? Hey, they're mine.
Nourishment.
I must have nourishment.
Scar, you're gonna need a sleeping bag.
You think? You can share mine.
OK, who with? Um The 'Titanic' is leaving with Eva.
- Eva, wait! - What's she doing? Wait! Come on! That's not even our ferry.
It is now, man.
We're cruising! Ooh! Whoa! Ohh! - Hey! - Oh, do you mind? Whose school tie is this? Mine.
- Orange juice? - Mine.
Make-up mirror girlie gadget? Mine.
Biscuits.
Mine! Emoticon on a stick? It's a pregnancy test, dude.
Oh, not mine.
It's positive.
Hey, it's not mine.
It's mine.
Give it here.
Uh, rope man looking at us and I can't afford a ticket.
Hide and seek, people.
Let's go.
Scarlett up the duffski.
I'm not surprised.
Shit, I am.
Who's the dad? She probably doesn't even know.
Ouch! Rope man cometh.
Knocked up.
Glad it's not me.
Yeah.
I'm glad it's not you.
Yeah.
I'm glad it's not us.
Hell, yeah.
Wow.
What are you two gorgeous creatures doing all alone, hey? I just had to come and tell you I don't know what I'd do if I got someone pregnant.
You know you have to have sex first? Man, her dad is gonna go ballistic.
Buffet! Ow! Ow! Watch the boobs! 'Watch' as in 'be careful', not 'stare'.
They're super-sensitive.
They're gonna get really big, really big and really soft.
Do you think they could get too big? Ah, you joined us after all.
Hi.
Oh, I don't mean to cramp your style.
I'm just trying to escape.
He's driving me crazy.
Thinks he's Elvis.
Maybe he is.
You never know.
I tell you what, though.
He's as hard as rock.
Hard as in? Penis erectus.
You're kidding! No.
They're all on drugs these days.
You know, Viagra, Cialis, you name it.
Every second man I meet has got a diamond cutter in his pocket.
I guess it's no different than being your age, just more Well, just more chemical.
I don't have a ticket.
I'm just hitching a ride to a festival.
What? A music festival? Are you gonna gatecrash that as well? I was hoping to.
Ohh, you're a serial gatecrasher, aren't you? Will there be pingers? Sorry? You know, I mean huggy beans, disco biscuits.
Uh, yeah, probably.
And will you be acquiring some? Me? No.
Yeah I don't I don't know.
Are you alright, love? You're not, are you? I'm just a bit sort of pregnant.
Ohh, shit.
Scarlett! What the fuck? Whoa, language warning in front of the unborn.
What are you going to do? Oh, you're so caring and so sensitive.
You'll make a terrific father.
I'm not the father! Am I? Well, you did put yourself out there, or, should I say, in there and do a whole bunch of breeding/conceiving type activities.
Shh! You can't tell her.
No, you're right.
It should come from you.
Get off.
She'd freak.
Why? Just 'cause we did it on her couch? Tam, over here! Must pee.
Scar's a mess.
Yeah, a mess.
Hey, you know, I was thinking, when she first came up from Melbourne, you two were pretty close.
Yeah? No, we weren't, were we? It's just if something went on between you two No, nothing did.
Then I'd be cool with that, honest.
But if not, I mean, that's cool too.
That'd be that'd be totally cool.
That'd be cool.
You can stop saying cool.
So who do you think the father is? Um I reckon it's her business.
We probably shouldn't even really talk about it.
Oh, my God.
You are completely adorable.
Mm, you're a real gentleman.
Yep, that's me.
Hey! You look like you could use some sun.
You know, sunbaking's dangerous, especially if you're pregnant.
Oh, crap.
Nobody wants a pale baby.
Mine's coming out tanned.
You're insane.
You might want this back.
You think it's mine.
I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
I've never seen you look so scared before.
It's, um it's two out of three.
The first one said negative, then I left it for, like, two minutes, came back, was about to throw it in the bin and it's a smiley.
Yeah, they can do that if you leave them.
I know these things.
So I did another one.
Straight up positive.
I spewed.
So I had a third go.
Negative.
OK, you're doing my head in.
Tell me about it.
Ohh.
Settle down, little one.
Settle down.
All of which leaves us where? Confused, and way beyond whether I'm preggers or not.
It's, like, why am I in this sitch? What am I risking stuff for? For the married guy, what's-his-face? Ash.
Ash, right.
Old, married, unsafe.
What's not to like? Oh, fuck off.
Hey, I think it's hot.
I mean, it's wrong hot, but it's still hot.
So he's at the festival? Don't tell the others.
I just I really need to see him.
Please.
I'm gonna have a food baby.
Yeah, well, when I'm done.
Old man, don't make me hurt you.
Hurt me? Oh, fuck! Arggh! Alright? Oh, you're a pretty princess.
Huh, what are ya? A princess.
I'm a pretty princess! What are you doing? He's my pretty princess.
He he's got a hard-on! You are very pretty, Ed.
You can't really blame him.
Get him off me.
Have you kids even got tickets? Nice work, princess.
Bad stomach pains.
It's the bush.
It's like one giant toilet.
Gross! Which way to the festival?! Connie! What are you doing? Coming with you guys! Ooh! Rock'n'roll! Where are we, exactly? Fuck knows.
Sorry, Connie.
You think I'm bothered by swearing? Sweetheart, my generation took it mainstream.
We love swearing, my little arse munch, shit brain You'd better wait here for the next ferry.
I thought we were all waiting for the next ferry.
Jizz monkey, fuck wad, blumpkin I don't think they'll pick us up here.
Motherfucking cocksucker! OK.
Hey, Connie, we get the idea.
Well, he started it.
Maybe we should go back and flag down another ferry or something.
Fine.
Go back.
Wait for a ferry.
Whatever.
I'm walking.
Where's my map? Ed! Have you got the map?! It should only be a couple of hours walk that way.
Hours? I'm not trekking through the bush for hours.
If I can do it, you can do it.
I doubt you're in my condition.
Hmm? I'm with child.
You too? Huh? What are we doing? That-a-way.
The grass.
It's itchy.
So stop putting it down your pants.
This bag is really heavy.
Alright, give it here.
And I can't walk in these shoes.
No fucking way.
My extremities are really tender.
What she said.
You're not having my shoes.
No.
Can we move? Fast? No.
Anything that's not Australian, that's what the cool kids love.
The Decemberists are rubbish, but they're Scottish so they're cool.
I hate it.
You know what I mean? No idea what you're talking about.
You getting tired, princess? I'm OK.
I think I've got a problem, though.
Ohh.
Yeah, look, it'll get bigger.
After you hit puberty.
It's itching.
And I'm pretty sure it's swelling up too.
You wanna take a look? Nope.
I think something bit me.
Connie, did you bite Ed's penis? What? Shut up! Would you take a look at Ed's inflamed member of parliament? Do I have to? It's not funny! Honest! We'll be the judge of that.
Can I borrow your make-up mirror thingy? What do you want it for? I need to fix my weave.
Don't do anything gross with it.
Yeah, like look at your reflection.
I'm so dehydrated.
Do you think maybe that's bad for the baby? Did you wipe the mouth bit? I just have to be careful about germs.
Yeah, a bit like how you were at the conception.
Whoever the father is, you should definitely tell him.
I did.
He's not interested.
He likes someone else now.
Bastard.
Mm, you think? Absolutely.
Scumbag.
I guess.
You know, I reckon I'd be an awesome mum.
I'd let my kid do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
Yeah, I don't know if that's actually such a good thing.
Why? It worked for you.
Your mum's like that and you're one of the most together people I know.
Oh, thanks.
I mean, not with boys or fashion or money or social stuff, but you're really smart when it comes to school.
Yeah, cheers.
I didn't tell her anything! But you came pretty close.
And, anyway, what makes you think it's me who's the father? What? You think I'm a slut? You're the only person I've been with since I came here.
I'm new in town.
I didn't know anyone.
That's why I jumped you.
Can you stop talking about that? OK, fine.
It's the Voldemort shag, the shag that shall not be named.
You're enjoying this, aren't you? What, being pregnant at 17? No, winding me up about it.
Eh, maybe.
It's kind of fun watching Mr Cool get all hot and bothered.
We'd better get back.
Mm, or they'll think we're involved.
Could this day get any weirder? What are you doing? My knob, it hurts a bit.
You wanna take a look? I'll take that as a no, shall I? You go ahead.
I'll catch up.
I gotta piss.
Oh, me too.
I'll join you.
My bladder's being pressed against Whatever.
I'll go this way.
Sorry.
It's not you, it's me.
That's what they all say.
Stop it.
Let me have a look.
I've got this mirror thingy, if it helps.
Is it magnifying? You know, it could have been us.
What? Pregnant.
You know, obviously not likely 'cause we were safe and I'm a safety nut, but, you know, it could have been us in theory.
I reckon it would have been alright, though.
Especially if we lived at your place.
Your place is excellent.
Can you shut up? Yep.
I think maybe it's a bite.
Jesus.
What if it's poisonous? You should see a doctor.
In first aid, you're supposed to suck the poison out.
Yeah, good luck with that.
I'll see if someone's got some cream or something.
I would have called it Sparky.
What? Our baby.
Ed, you're a freak.
Has anyone got any ointment? Ed has a small penis problem.
Come on.
Real mature.
Oh, hey, I've got some vanishing cream.
See, that's why people don't share personal information.
Are we there yet? We should get moving.
We're running out of daylight.
Here, let me help carry some stuff.
I'll take it.
You're disabled.
I'm not gonna carry it on my wang.
I don't care who carries it or how, but my feet are killing me.
Damn, there's a fork in the path.
Well, which one do we take? Where's the map? Ed? Where's the rest of my map? I needed some paper.
You used the map as arse fodder? I didn't have a choice! Goddamn.
It's OK.
We're not lost are we? Whose tent will I be sharing? Ed's.
Nah, not mine.
Mine's not right.
What's the problem? One that can't be named.
A Voldemort problem.
What are you talking about? Ask Luke.
Maybe you could share his tent, although with his form, you probably won't get much sleep.
You a bit of a stud muffin, hey? I snore.
No, you don't.
Do you? Hey, Edward.
Have a look at this.
I think your tent is excellent, Sparky.
"I'd call the baby Sparky.
" Shut your mouth.
Sure, but you say one more word about me and Scarlett Dude, you've gotta tell Tammy.
What? Why? Because if she finds out from Scarlett, it'd kill her.
If she finds out from any person, I will kill that person, dead.
Why not tell her about you and Eva? That'll cheer her up.
OK.
Connie, you and me, baby.
You and me.
Really? Oh, you're very kind.
Hey, this thing with your old boy, is that contagious? Only within a radius of six feet.
What? Shit! Where are they? Where are they? They are in here.
I know they are.
Where are you? I need you now! What's up? I can't find my pills! Pharmaceutical-grade E, three of them, two for now and one for Did you take my pills? God, please, I need one.
Does it look like we're pilling? No, but she does.
So lovely, the way the flames move.
Connie, you stole my pills? You have lovely hair.
Shit, Connie, that is so irresponsible! What if you have a heart attack or something? I'll get the blame.
The warmth, I can feel it in my fingertips.
Ah-ha! Ooh! She is off her face! Look at the stars! I wish I was off my face.
Bitch! Ohh Hey, should you be taking pills in your condition? I can't believe this.
I'm the one that should be talking shit and drooling.
You can't take pills, Scar.
Why? Why did I get myself into this? Oh, give me some? Sorry.
It's spiked.
Oh, F-fucking-S! My stupid, stupid life.
Don't worry.
It's just the hormones.
It's not the hormones! No-one should have to sleep outdoors straight.
Even homeless people, they have booze, ice.
Ooh Painkiller.
Mm.
It can't go on forever, can it? Sounds like the Kinks! Ooh! I think I can hear it.
Did she give you one of those pingers? No, listen.
It must be the festival.
We're so close.
I know which way to go in the morning.
Why go anywhere? This is exactly what you came for nature, music, dancing.
Hey! Come on, Ed.
Come on, Eddie.
Come dance.
Come on.
Yeah.
Come on! Eva.
I don't want to be pregnant anymore.
I wish it were that simple.
It is for me.
Bingo - unpregnant.
I'm gonna tell the others and get spectacularly shit-faced.
You OK with that? Why the sudden change? I don't know.
Why did I pull the stupid stunt in the first place? Being knocked up? Yeah.
And torturing Luke.
But look at them.
Like he cares about me.
He can't even focus on being tortured.
You slept with Luke? Whoa.
Right, she doesn't know.
Scar, we're having a good time.
We are? Let's not ruin it tonight.
OK, fine.
I'll ruin it in the morning.
They'll be too hung over to care.
But just so we're clear, I'm not gonna remain pregnant beyond breakfast.
To the festival I must go.
Are you still No, I'm back on earth.
But I loved my little outing.
I haven't been out of it for years and I haven't got a lot of years left so I need to enjoy them.
Good for you.
Oh, you young thing, you! You have whole decades of awful crap ahead of you.
Wow.
Thanks.
Well, it's true.
So don't make it hard for yourself, hm? It's hard enough already.
Hello.
Hey, Ash.
I'm on my way.
Hello? Connie! Connie, wait.
I'll come with you.
What about your friends? They won't care.
They'll be fine.
Didn't you understand what I said? Don't make it hard for yourself.
Hey, anyone seen Eva? Nup.
She appears to have gone.
Yeah, I know.
Connie's gone too.
Is that a promise? Wait, Scarlett, what are you doing? I'm gonna go look for her.
Eva can look after herself.
Yeah, right.
You have no idea.
About what? Who? What? Eva.
She's gone.
And she never wanted any of us here in the first place.
Yeah, maybe, but she shouldn't be on her own.
Not right now.
Why not? Because she's going to see Ash.
Ash? What's he got to do with it? Look, the stupid smiley stick, it wasn't mine.
It was Eva's.
She's the one in trouble.
You're not pregnant? You're completely psychotic.
I thought you'd be relieved.
Relieved? Why? Because I I thought it was mine.
That day at the hotel? Yep.
OK.
No, it wasn't then.
It was the night you and Ed were in the stairwell.
You were at my place? Looking after Charli? That's when you two I'm sorry.
I'm really Ed.
Ohh It looks like an eggplant.
Help me.
Help! We've gotta get Ed to a hospital.
We'll go back the way we came.
Guys, what's the plan? Where the fuck have you been? I was just making a call.
I couldn't get a signal.
Yeah, well, you were gone and I was worried.
You were? You?! They know.
About everything.
Right.
Maybe not everything.
Tam.
You OK? I'm not here.
I died a short time ago.
But it's OK.
At some point, I'll come back to life briefly in order to kill some people, like my so-called fucking friends.
Maybe I should just leave you guys to it.
You ditched him to come and sit here? One big happy family.
God, God, please make them hurry! They'll get to you soon.
You don't all have to wait with me.
Cool, OK.
You're not going anywhere! So loyal.
I was just kidding.
So pussy-whipped.
Why don't you fake a heart attack? That'll make them hurry.
Go on, then.
Fake one.
I meant Ed.
Well, you are the expert at fakery.
Thanks.
You're quite good with the melodrama.
Ladies, enough.
Oh, says you, more secrets than the Vatican.
- I would have told you.
- No, you wouldn't.
This place is crawling with nurses and doctors.
They can probably tell you with some certainty Yeah, I'll sort it out.
Can you loan me your phone? I'm out of credit.
I need to call my dad.
- Hello.
- Hi, Ash.
You don't know me.
I'm Scarlett.
I'm a friend of Eva's.
Yes? She needs to see you.
Is that right? Yeah, it is.
It's important - maybe not to you, but it is to her.
So, you know, don't be an arse about it.
What? Just do the right thing.
And Hello? Ash? Bastard.
Hey.
You OK? Oh, Doc, my knob is on fire! Hey.
Why is she hugging the doctor? I think he's her boyfriend.
What? I came as soon as I got your text.
Thank you.
You OK? Eva, here's your phone back.
What? Um, Scarlett, this is Ash.
Scarlett.
Imagine.
And this is Tammy and Luke and Ed Newman? Me! I'm Ed! I am! Me, Ed.
I'll come in with you.
Shit! - Oh, crap! - Help him up.
This is not looking good.
Tell me about it.
She's really angry.
Huh? Tammy.
She's pissed.
Is that what you're worried about? I'm having a goddamn knob crisis.
You'll be right.
The doctor's hot.
She's a babe.
Oh, that makes all the difference.
They're girls, right, Tammy and Scar.
They'll sort it out.
They're mature women.
Talk to me.
I feel stupid now.
Tell me what's happening.
I told you.
So you might possibly be knocked up, yeah? Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous.
I just I got weirded out.
Like, what if I am? What does that mean? And? What does it mean? It means I'm a loser.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
I'm just doing what my own mum did.
I'm like a genetically unmodified teen screw-up.
Yeah, but you don't know what was going on for your mum back then.
She had me at 19 and Max before that.
That's enough to go on.
And, you know, I'm sleeping with a married person.
So, clearly idiot.
Mmm.
Look, it's my own problem and I'll deal with it.
Shouldn't you at least find out if there is a problem first? I mean, before you get too emo about it.
And if it turns out that, yeah, you're in pond, or not, I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna back off.
I'm here, whatever you want to do at the risk of sounding emo myself.
So there's a chemist here, yeah? Come on.
Come on.
OK, I see your problem.
It's very swollen.
Well, yeah.
I'll remove and you'll be fine.
Remove? What?! Sure.
I'll remove your tick.
Holy shit! Can I get a second opinion? No, 'tick', Ed.
Tick.
As in "Tick!" Wait.
I've got a tick in my William? Uh-huh.
It's a very warm area.
He looks very happy in there.
'He'? A gay tick sucking on your dong.
Shut up! How do you get it out? With these.
Ohh! Here.
What is it? Rat poison.
Try some.
Hot chocolate? This doesn't make everything OK.
Yeah, yeah, I still hate you too.
Just get it out, please! If you want to stay and hold your boyfriend's hand Oh, I Boyfriend? I'm not Sure.
We're not It's OK.
Do I get drugs? Epidural? You'll be fine.
I'm scared.
Just breathe, darling.
Oh! Ohh! Mmm.
Four? You bought four? Yeah, I'm gonna make absolutely certain this time.
And they're all different brands, so What? Oh, God.
Eva? Eva.
Eva! Uhh yeah, Eva, I might just wait outside.
I'm not really into the whole German thing.
Ash! I'm menstruating.
Hot.
Yeah.
I'm not pregnant! I'm having a period like you wouldn't believe.
Nice! I could use less information.
Well, that's a change.
No-one's ever said that to me before.
Hm, I guess not.
So where's Ash the Married Trash? That'd be me.
Whoops.
Sorry.
It's fine.
I've been called far worse.
By my wife even.
Hm.
Um, I'm gonna check out the prayer room.
Well, I should get back to the festival.
Already? Yeah.
I'm sorry, OK? I'm really, really sorry.
I'll make it up to you.
I'm not angry about what you did.
I'm angry because you lied about it.
I never lied.
I just didn't tell you.
It's the same thing.
No, it's not.
Plus, you're kinda lying right now.
Oh, yeah? How do you figure that? It's about what I did.
Lying's got nothing to do with it.
No, that's not right.
Yes, it is.
I doofed Scarlett.
Yeah, in my house! How could you? See? I told you.
It's all about what I did.
That's why you're cranky, not the fibbing.
Can we stop having this conversation? Hell yeah.
Wanna grope? What? You know, make out.
Luke, we're not getting back together.
Really? Shit.
You could, uh, come if you wanted to.
Nah, I should stay here.
Right, well, why don't you You could call me later.
Maybe.
Maybe? Did we just go sideways or something? What's going on? I don't know.
It's just I'm not a jealous person as a rule.
But? But I'd rather be first on the list than second.
Sometimes.
That's all.
Right.
Yeah, well, I'm not really into numbering my friends.
You know what I mean.
Mm.
Look, we'll talk.
Or not.
Whoa! That is massive! Hm, something to show the grandkids.
It's a boy! He looks just like you.
Baby snaps!