Son of a Critch (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

Halloween.
There was no better time
of year for a theatrical boy
than one that mandated costumes.
Now, who can tell me
what important day is upon us?
- Mm.
- Halloween!
It's gonna be awesome.
I'm sleeping over at Ritchie's.
I was referring to All Saint's Day.
We're in grade seven!
Halloween is for kindergarten babies.
But Halloween's fun.
Zombies, witches, ghosts.
The only ghost you should
concern yourself with
is the Holy one.
And the only 'zombie'
I know of is Lazarus,
whom Christ himself
raised from the dead.
Uh, I think what Sister Rose
is trying to say, children,
is there's nothing to be afraid of.
Yes, Sister. When you die, children,
there are only two
possible destinations:
The eternal light of Heaven
or the eternal flames of Hell.
Who needed Dracula
to give you nightmares
when you had nuns.
What am I gonna do with my costume now?
What do you mean? You're gonna wear it.
Who cares what they think?
Me. Like, a lot.
Gimme some.
Isn't begging for junk food
for "kindergarten babies?"
But this could be our last
year trick-or-treating.
Come with us.
I guess I could go for a bit.
I don't have a costume,
and I'd need a mask:
so nobody sees me with you.
They have chocolate bars
as big as dogs on my street.
Okay, okay, I'm in.
In for what?
She's coming trick or treating with us.
You are, are ya?
You taking yer sooky bottle too?
Frig off!
I never said I was going with them.
Follow them and take all their candy.
Wait. Let me get this straight.
You're gonna follow us house to house,
but instead of taking free candy,
you're gonna steal ours?
Exactly.
I rescind my invitation.
Watch your backs tonight, dicks.
- Dicks.
- Sorry.
I don't wanna go anymore.
New strategy.
We trick-or-treat by my house.
No way the Foxes can
get to us out there.
No offense, but there aren't any houses.
Pffft!
I have my sources.
Shockin'! This spider's
seen better days!
Mm. Well, it's still got two good legs
and an arse full of web.
Mm. Sounds a bit like myself.
I'm a bit more worried about the candy.
We're down to our last
couple of fistfuls.
Oh, well, I wonder why
that is, ya greedy bugger!
- Leave some for the kids.
- What kids?
Nobody ever comes trick
or treatin' out here.
That's right! Waste not, want not!
Oh! Let's get a look at you, boys.
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Ah, the plastic smock costumes
of '80s childhood!
I couldn't wait to show it off.
Oh, you'll freeze your arse off!
Wha
Mom! Nobody'll see our costumes!
That wind'll cut you in half.
Here.
Put that on!
You be careful out on that road.
We live on a four-lane
highway, for God's sake.
Imagine your mother's face
if we sent you home
looking like roadkill, hmm?
You think we can get run over?
- No!
- Absolutely.
It's the fairies.
They're a real danger on days like this.
Some of the old folks still believed
in the old Irish folktales
of the 'little people'
who lived in the woods.
The fairies get mad on all soul's night.
Ah, here he goes.
Oh no, it's all right,
you can laugh all you want,
but it's true.
And stay outta those woods
or they'll run after ya.
And disguising yourself as one of them,
that's not gonna help.
We're Smurfs.
Here. Put this bread in your pocket.
And you, too.
Nah-uh. Come on.
Why do we need bread
when we're getting candy?
It's not for you, laddie.
It's for the fairies.
Many a child has gone
missing in those woods.
Give it up, Pop.
You're scarin' him.
Never you mind.
The only thing you have to worry about
is some sick bastard putting
razor blades in your candy.
Or a car pulling up
and snatching you off
to God knows where.
Mom had a way of comforting you
that somehow made everything worse.
Oh, people are sick
these days, I tell ya.
Sick!
M-maybe we should go to my house.
Oh, Pop, you've got this
youngster scared to death!
Well, you never know what's
waiting for you out there
in the cold, dark night.
- Jesus Murphy!
- What?
Ohhh! No!
Is that fairies?
Oh, it's just a big, bloody ol' moose!
Oh, you you dirty big bugger! Get!
Get outta here!
Some people had to deal with stray cats.
Where we lived, it was stray moose.
Go on now, before I put your
head on the wall, ya bastard!
Get! Oh, you big dumb
moose, get outta here!
Oh.
So, what do you say?
Wanna go trick-or-treating?
Oh! Go on! Go away!
Get, get, get, get! Oh
Ah, asshole.
Most kids trick-or
treated on their street,
but my street was the
Trans-Canada Highway.
That one felt close.
- Didn't it feel close?
- Would ya relax?
There's nothing to be scared of.
Evenin', boys. Need a lift?
We're okay, Dad.
Is this the Pumpkin Patrol? Cool!
Each year, Dad and Dick drove around
passing out treats and keeping
kids safe from everything
except type 2 diabetes.
That's right.
VOCM, coming at you, live, all night,
keeping the ghosts and goblins safe!
Arrive alive!
- Ow
- Great costumes.
You guys a couple of blueberries?
We're Smurfs.
I'm a sexy fireman!
Dick! Youngsters!
I mean, I'm a fireman.
You sure you boys are all right?
We are fine, Dad!
I know, I know. It's just
your mother was worried is all.
Gotta go, Mike. We
got candy to give out!
Here. Pick me up a pack of smokes
when you get to the gas station!
Smokes money from Dad
wasn't technically a treat,
but it was a start.
Now, ye crowd behave yourselves
while I'm taking your
little brother out!
If there's any trouble,
I'll be shipping ya off
to your father's. I mean it!
Frig off, ya sooky babies!
Oh, stop it! Tsk, tsk, tsk!
You taught him that, didn't ya?!
Guys! You heard her.
If you wanna start staying
at Mom's house more,
you better listen.
Trick or treat? I says "trick!"
It's tough trick or-treating
at your neighbours
when your closest
neighbour is a car lot.
- Trick or treat!
- What do we got here?
A couple of woodland fairies?
Something like that.
Uh, well, okay. Th-this is a car lot.
I wasn't exactly ready
for trick-or-treaters.
Ah! There we go!
Certs. Oh, and cough drops!
Good!
You know, I was starting to get
a little tickle in my throat.
Score!
Don't eat 'em all at once, boys.
An air freshener,
double a batteries,
a free tire rotation with every oil
and filter change.
It's all year round. Good,
they finally changed that.
Should we just go home?
Maybe we are too old for Halloween,
'cause this sucks.
Okay, let's go.
I know a shortcut.
What about the fairies?
Fairies aren't real.
Kidnappers are though.
We were down in the dumps,
so why not take a
shortcut through the dump?
The ol' dump in the woods
was where things went
before the environment was invented.
Mark.
Everything ended up there:
cars, refrigerators
but I had never seen anyone
dump a body there before.
Oh my God!
Oh Jesus! Fairies!
You know you live in the boonies
when people feel comfortable
dropping a dead body
next to your house.
Oh, we got some kids!
No, it's just them. Told ya!
Aw, look at 'em all worn
out. How was your night?
Dead body
So much blood.
What're you talking about?
We we saw someone
to-tossing a dead body
in in the dump!
Oh, come off it. They're lying.
We did! Honest!
Do you boys swear
you're telling the truth?
Finally, someone was
taking us seriously.
I knew it!
I said something terrible
would happen tonight,
and it did! I was right!
Oh, but I'm glad that
you boys are safe though.
Yeah, that's good.
Fox may not have outgrown Halloween,
but she had outgrown her brothers.
Wait!
Leave 'em alone. I'll tell Mom.
You'd love to have us shipped
off to Dad's, wouldn't you?
She thinks she's too good for us.
I'm here with you now, aren't I?
Here, then.
These have been out
in the sun for 3 weeks.
Ha! Gross! Chicken poo!
This place looks like it
could use a little stinking up.
- Thank you!
- Thanks!
Ritchie's house.
Fox was torn: friends or family?
You can't go easy on someone,
just 'cause you knows 'em.
The choice was clear.
Cops! Run!
Attention, vandals! You've
been caught egg-handed!
What're you gonna do, buddy?
Pull out your hose?
Boo!
- Mike! Roll up the window.
- Get him!
- Here! Beat it!
- Suckers!
Frig off, loser!
Man down! Request backup! Man down!
Suck it, fireman!
So it was a black sedan, was it?
Good God!
What's going on here?
I'm a sexy fireman.
They said they saw a dead body,
but they're lyin'.
Negative. I took a look at the scene
and I found car tracks
and a trail of blood.
- They saw something.
- Can I quote you on that?
Are you mad? This is our son!
It's not every day you get a scoop
in your own living room.
What if they were spotted?
They could be in danger!
Don't worry, we will
be taking precautions.
I will see to that
personally. I'll be in touch.
Uh, you can call me at the station.
About the boys, Mike.
Have it all.
You deserve it, kids.
Oh my God!
Candy? Dead body? Cops?!
Halloween at my house
did not suck after all.
Ritchie and I had never felt cooler.
We had more candy than Willy Wonka,
and a tale to tell
that was even sweeter.
- No way!
- Yes way.
Then a human arm falls out!
Totally dead!
- That's so cool.
- Never happened!
- Yes, it did!
- I believe Ritchie.
He doesn't make stuff up.
Whatever. Lame!
Right, our night was
lame. What did you do?
Children.
I wanted to take a moment to
introduce you to Officer Butt.
Settle!
Do you think he doesn't already
know he has a stupid name?
Officer, go ahead.
Last night, two unnamed
children witnessed a crime.
They bravely came forward,
putting their lives in grave danger.
For their own safety,
we will not reveal who they are.
Their identities must remain secret.
Until the danger's passed,
I will stay here with you all
to ensure Mark and Ritchie's safety.
Officer Butt was no Columbo,
but there wasn't much
crime where I lived,
and as trick-or-treating teaches us,
beggars can't be choosers.
Ritchie and I had been
picked on our whole life,
but now we had a bodyguard!
We were untouchable!
Hey! Watch it!
Yeah, wouldn't wanna get our
bodyguard to rough you up.
I'm not gonna do that.
Move it, loser. This is our table.
Hey! I was here first.
You gonna rat on us?
Yeah, right. She wouldn't dare.
The back table was
the exclusive territory
of the toughest kids in school,
but we had a police escort.
Mind if we sit here, gentlemen?
Gobstopper, Ritchie m'boy?
Don't mind if I do.
Cheers to that.
I was the silverback gorilla.
It felt good to be the
king of the castle for once.
All right, we have North America,
Central America
and South America.
Mark Critch!
There is no eating candy in class!
Officer Butt is doing it.
Can anyone tell me
You see how the map is
all different colours?
Is earth all different
colours like that in real life?
Like, from space?
No wonder they don't let you have a gun.
Do so have a gun.
I just don't have it all the time.
Officer Butt,
please report to the principal's office.
Oooooooh!
I'm sure it's nothing.
I can't stay long. I'm
supposed to be in school.
So, what's so important?
I'm not so sure there
was a body here after all.
Mike, leave the investigation
to the professionals.
I mean
Clearly, there are signs of a struggle.
You see how the grass
has all flattened out
Where they dragged the body away.
Follow the blood splatters.
Here and here.
Poor soul must have been wounded.
They might even have been shot.
We did find a shell casing.
I mean, how else would blood
have gotten all over the grass?
Maybe we should ask him?
Breaking news!
The police apprehended two
poachers just moments ago.
The two men were tossing
garbage Halloween night
when they spied a juvenile moose.
Though they had a moose license,
they did not have tags for
hunting within city limits.
Nevertheless, the two
culprits executed the animal
in cold blood,
setting into motion a nefarious plan.
The hooligans then set
about butchering the beast,
transforming the peaceful
grassland into an abattoir.
They then removed the carcass
under cloak of darkness.
Oh my God!
But their crime spree was foiled,
thanks to the actions
of two intrepid youths
who startled the assassins,
who mistook the boys
for woodland fairies.
Oh Jesus! Fairies!
The authorities were able to locate
the suspect vehicle and the
illegally gained moose meat.
This is Mike Critch, for
the VOCM news service.
We've made so many enemies.
Come on, gentlemen,
nothing a little candy can't fix.
Cop's gone home, is he?
Now you're gonna get it.
The cavalry!
- Officer Butt! You're back!
- Nope.
Just forgot my notebook,
and somebody said they
were handing out freezies.
See you around.
Uh, by the way,
my brothers are the ones
who egged all the houses
on Cook Street Halloween night.
Oh, really.
- Oh!
- Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
You can't run from the law!
You squealed on your own brothers?
- That's cold.
- I have my reasons.
You're gonna steal our
candy now, aren't you?
Yeah.
- Did not expect that.
- Nope.
It's natural to be scared,
but the monster you're most afraid of
Don't say I didn't warn ya!
Well, your father will have
to deal with ya now, won't he?
Come on you.
Ungh. We got a show to watch.
Is probably only scary
because it's scared of something, too.
And the things we once
thought were monsters,
aren't really scary at all,
once we know them for
what they really are.
Well, thank God.
I thought I'd gone and got ya killed.
All right now, just go on,
get on outta here! Shoo!
Shoo!