Sons of Tucson s01e06 Episode Script

(Ron) Thank you, Tucson! Oh! Ow.
Oh! Sorry, buddy.
Even in stair luge, you gotta stick the landing.
You okay? No, I'm not okay.
Look at my knee! Why did you let me do that? Oh, it's a scrape.
You're fine.
You suck! You're a joke of a dad.
A blind pile of turds would be a better dad than you.
(Knocking on door) Angela.
Have you done something with your face? It's different.
Angrier.
I like it.
You've been spiking my birdbath with booze again.
Well, I think the real question here is: Why do you keep drinking from your birdbath? Okay, birds drink from the bath, Ron, and I know there's booze in there because they stagger away and throw up in the bushes.
Oh, lightweights.
I got a squirrel in the backyard that can drink me under the table.
I cannot believe that with how hard Glenn and I are trying to have kids, God just hands you three of 'em.
We wanted a better dad, but he was the best we could get.
(Chuckling) Shh.
Oh, look at that knee.
And you were just standing there with a camcorder? Yeah, I got the whole thing.
(Scoffs) Sweetie, let's get that fixed up.
Someone needs a little tlc.
Mm-hmm.
(Robby) Yeah.
About time.
Ron, I need you to Who let her in here?! Well, Robby needed some tlc.
And I don't know where we keep that.
Angela's dangerous.
She's a total snoop, and she hates you.
Relax.
She's thinking with her uterus right now, okay.
The antenna are down.
Doesn't matter.
Keep her out.
Our house, our rules.
(Mimicking Gary) Our house, our rules.
Listen, I need you to take me to Flagstaff tomorrow for my debate tournament.
Yeah! Road trip! There was no room in any of the other carpools.
Road trip! Oh, God, are you one of those people who gets excited about an overnight trip, no matter Overnight road trip! Double bam! Yeah! Oh, that's so good, man.
Hey, check it out.
We'll do a beef jerky crawl.
The dried meats on the I-17 are superb this time of year.
Oh, and I get to sleep in the backseat of the car.
Boom.
We're not sleeping in your car.
A hotel? Oh.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Oh, a night in a real bed beats a night on that couch any day.
Look at my spine.
It's like a question mark.
Huh? Oh, there he is.
Good as new.
What'd I tell ya? Yeah? That thing on my knee was serious.
It's called a boo-boo! Oh.
That is serious.
(Engine revving) I have to admit, the Turkey jerky from the windowless shack had a really smooth finish.
Oh, that's the nitrites, baby.
Fully loaded.
But we're 15 minutes behind schedule.
I only have six minutes to freshen up, instead of 21.
Oh, time doesn't exist on a road trip, Gary.
Fact is, if you stayed on a road trip, you'd never age.
As long as you're driving against the sun.
That's not me, that's Einstein.
What the hell? You brought your own sheets? Hey, I've seen CSI.
We're not the only living organisms in this room.
All right, knock yourself out, Grissom.
What? Who locked out the porn? I called ahead and asked for the Christian family package.
I wasn't gonna watch it with you in the room.
That's ridiculous.
Anyway, hey, you don't make the rules here.
Okay? This is not your house.
It's not your tv, not your thermostat, not your mini-fridge.
Oh, speaking of which No, don't eat from there.
It's a rip-off.
Yeah, I know.
That's what makes it taste so good, dum-dum.
Oh, Mr.
Toblerone.
You're classy because you're hard to bite.
Hey, Ron, you touch it, you bought it.
And stay away from the cola.
It's my study beverage for later.
Whatever.
Okay, back to business.
(Bed creaking) What are you doing? Trying to find the sweet spot.
Every bed's got one.
Just gotta find it.
And there it is.
No, false alarm.
That's not it.
Oh! Oh, there it is.
I miss so much sleeping one floor above you.
(Snoring) (Knocking on door) Gary said we're not supposed to open the door for anybody.
Don't be ridiculous.
Gary is not Oh crap, it's Angela! No, she's cool.
What? Hi, Amma.
Hi, pooh bear.
I wanted to see how you're doing.
Where's Ron? Uh, he's at Barber College.
Yeah, he's getting his master's in-in hair theory.
I've seen his hair.
Where is he? He and Gary went to Flagstaff overnight.
He left you two alone? Without any adult supervision? Even when he's here, it's borderline.
All right, you know what? Glenn's out of town working on our relationship.
You kids need someone.
I'm gonna stay here and baby-sit you guys tonight.
Oh, no.
I mean, not me.
I've got a sleepover that I'm going to At a friend's house with really, incredibly strict parents.
Yeah, he's a prison guard, and she is a tennis umpire.
For a prison.
Gotta get my toothbrush.
So, so, Ron was going to let you go to a sleepover and leave Robby by himself? He is the most brain-dead, selfish It's amazing you kids know how to dress yourselves.
All right, Robby, I'm going home to get my stuff.
Brandon, have your friend's mother call me when you get there.
(Brandon) Uh-huh.
(Door closes) You don't have a sleepover.
And I'm also not a little kid who needs a babysitter.
I can take care of myself.
Yeah, right.
Where you gonna go? I don't know.
Maybe I'll ride the rails, pick avocados in California, join the army for a couple of days.
Okay, well, I'll leave a window open for you.
Probably see you around 10:30.
Bye.
Oh, look out, here's our ace.
Gary Gunderson.
(Chuckles) Well, you know.
That's debatable.
(Both laugh) Angela, no.
You're what? You're baby-sit you don't that is really not necessary, okay? Oh, really, Angela? Worst father in the world? Well, I bought myself a coffee mug that says otherwise.
Okay? Click.
Well, we're set for entertainment tonight.
I just heard they're reenacting the McKinley-Bryan debates in the oak room.
Goody.
Oh, and fyi, not everyone with food on their plate is serving it.
Yeah, the lady with the shrimp cocktail made that abundantly clear.
(Sighs) Laters.
This kid on our team is such an uptight control freak.
(Girl) He's such a know-it-all.
Even if he agrees with your idea, he'll say you came up with it the wrong way.
(Chuckling) Oh, man.
Uptight control freak, huh? I went to school with this kid named Tom Beschloss.
We called him "Tom Getlost.
" (All laugh) The kid was an idiot.
The guy on our team, his nickname is "Gary No-Funderson.
" And we told him there was no room in our carpools, because we couldn't stand riding in a car with him.
Right.
But that-that doesn't-- that doesn't rhyme with his real name, right? Um yeah.
Oh, I need a mini quiche.
Thank you.
Mmm! When are you coming by with those lamb skewers? I don't work here.
You should.
You're very, very good at this.
Mmm, one more? Excuse me.
Hi.
Am I anywhere near Covenant Avenue? Food Hound says this neighborhood is the armpit of Tucson, but there's a really cool cupcake shop around here that makes "rubbing elbows with the locals almost worth it.
" Hey, I live here.
Very cool.
I'll keep looking.
(Laughing) (Sighs) Unbelievable.
Oh, what? Like that's on me and not the maid who left her cart unattended in the hallway? I don't think so.
Did you see my teammates avoiding me at the reenactment? No, sorry.
I was a little busy brainstorming suicide options.
No one could look at me.
Clearly they're unprepared for tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? My back is killing me.
I'm gonna take a super long bubble bath.
How long is super long? I don't know, Gary.
It's not a fixed amount of time, all right? It's just whenever it feels super.
Well, don't make it too long.
It'll fog up the mirrors.
And I want be able to practice my "I've got six ways to defeat your argument" look.
I'm gonna make it as long as I want, Gary, okay? As a matter of fact, now that you've complained about it, I'm upgrading to crazy long bubble bath.
You are so selfish.
I don't think you want to have this discussion, Gary.
I'm sorry, but that's what you are.
You're selfish and obnoxious.
It's why you don't have any friends.
Oh, I don't have any friends? What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Nothing.
I guess, uh, people with no friends just like to repeat things.
(Door closes) There we go.
All clean.
Isn't that better? It is.
Wow.
My hands smell like hands.
How'd you do that? Well, play your cards right, and I'll show you how to make your hair smell like hair tonight, too.
Now Eat up.
Is this some kind of joke? What's this green stuff? It's broccoli.
Yeah, no thanks.
I like hot dogs and cheese sticks.
Well, you need to eat your veggies.
Don't you want to grow up to be big and strong? Listen, Angela, you've been great.
The bandage figuring out the shoe thing all top-notch stuff.
But I eat hot dogs and cheese sticks.
Robby, don't make me give you a time-out.
Fine by me.
I got hot dogs and cheese sticks in my room.
Then I'll give you a time-out in some other room.
Lady, I got hot dogs and cheese sticks all over this house.
Robby.
No.
(Phone rings) Hello? Well, hello, Brandon.
Thank you for calling.
It's nice to know I have at least one kid cooperating tonight.
May I please speak with Greg's mother? Yes, of course, Angela.
Hi, you must be Angela.
Oh, well, my husband and I both think your Brandon is a delight.
Oh.
No, thank you, for raising such a lovely young man.
(Laughs) Oh, in bed by 10:00, of course.
Buh-bye now.
Wow, you have a really nice phone voice.
Thank you so much.
Here.
What was it we agreed on, five dollars? Hey, my phone! My That woman, she just took my phone! Whoa, whoa, okay, slow down.
It's okay.
Do you have any id? Yeah, here.
Okay, I'm heading in.
Fair warning, there will be a lot of singing going on in there.
If you have any requests, just slip them under the door, we'll try to get to them.
Fine! I don't get it.
No one wants to prep, which means I'm just gonna have to carry everyone, like I always do.
Yeah, you ever think that attitude may be why people don't wanna prep with you? They're jealous of my competence? Yeah.
That, or they think you're obnoxious.
It's hard to say.
Well, you would be the expert on that.
(Sighs) You know what, Gary, I'm just, I'm trying to give you some fatherly advice, all right? Nobody is gonna like you if you act like you're better than them.
I'm not paying you for advice.
And you're not my father, okay? You're just the help.
I'm the help.
(Chuckles) Okay, all right, that's it, the gloves are off, okay? Do you wanna know what I heard down at the mixer? Your teammates hate you! They all call you "Gary No-Funderson"! Did you know that? Also, another little fact, they all lied about their carpools being full.
Who can blame them? You have no friends because you're a stuck-up control freak.
I am not a control freak! Yes, you are! Don't even think about using my bath gel, because I mark the bottle after every use! Fine! Just get my shower cap.
Steam makes my hair go frizzy.
"Gary No-Funderson"? That's so poorly constructed.
And they wonder why I rewrite their opening statements.
Unbelievable.
He took my study beverage.
Hey! Who said that about me? What, hey, what? Who said I was "No-Funderson"? What? I want a name, because you know what? You know what? It doesn't make any sense.
Oh, Gary, it's not important, okay? I mean, it literally makes no sense.
There is a lot of truth to it.
But, hey, do you like the Beatles? Are you feeling okay? I feel great.
But you know what? What? You know what? People hate me.
Oh, no.
Come on.
That's Yeah.
You know, you're not, you're not you're not that bad.
Right? Why do you care what people think, anyway? Look at me.
Do you think I'd be where I am in life if I cared what people think? Where are you, Ron? Okay, I'm a bad example.
But look, my point is, you are going places, all right? You're gonna do fine.
I mean, it wouldn't kill you to remove one of those rods out of your butt.
But that's just my opinion.
Thanks, Ron.
Now I'm sorry I drank your cola.
Even though it was my cola.
Oh, boy, whoa, what? How much did you drink? You know what? All of it.
Oh, no.
Hey, uh, Gary, I don't want you to panic or anything, but, uh, you just consumed a quantity of alcohol meant for a much, much larger and angrier person.
You know what? It took me a while, but I get you.
(Laughing) I used to hate you.
But that was my wall.
Uh I love you, Ron.
I'm a loveable guy.
Hey, hey, you know what? What? What? Hey, we should sing.
Yeah, we never sing.
Yeah, that's what we should do.
(Angela) Okay, kiddo, it's bed time.
Bed what? Bed time.
The time when you go to bed.
No, no, no, no, all my favorite shows come on after 11:00.
And besides, you haven't passed out on the couch yet.
Of course that's the pattern.
And while you're up, could you snag me a coffee? Black, nine sugars.
All right, that's enough.
Upstairs and brush your teeth.
We don't do that in our family.
Now! Just because you're yelling doesn't mean I'm listening.
(Ron) Here you go, buddy.
Oh, God, what's happening? My head is spinning.
What do I do, Ron? Well, ordinarily I'd tell you to hit another club and start telling chicks you're a helicopter pilot.
I'm gonna be toast tomorrow.
I'm not gonna be able to sleep.
What is this throbbing? Well, that's just brain cells dying, buddy.
Okay, don't worry about it.
You don't need that many, they just slow you down.
I expect to see your pj's on when I come up there, young man.
Hi, Brandon.
It's Angela.
I'm just calling to check on you before bed.
(Woman) First of all, I don't speak Spanish.
And second of all, how much metal did you put in my brain, Mr.
President? How much metal?! Oh, God Oh, God, what did I do? Robby? Rob-Robby, Robby, someone has Brandon's phone.
I don't even know where he is.
I how could I be so stupid? Don't worry, I know where to find him.
You do? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Brandon? He's in there.
It's where he always goes.
I don't see him.
I think I can hear him whimpering.
Brandon? Robby? Robby, pooh bear? (Knocking) So long, Amma, I'm running away.
Robby, please, I get claustrophobic! You should've thought of that before you made me brush my teeth! Robby?! Oh, not good.
At least the ringing in my head finally stopped.
(Fire alarm blaring) (Indistinct voices) (Siren blaring) Hey.
Oh, boy, sucks about the fire alarm, huh? What did you do, Ron? Nothing.
Just leveled the playing field a little bit, you know? If you're not sleeping, neither is the competition.
You did that for me? Yeah, I figured it was partly my fault.
At least in the eyes of the law, right? Hey, Robby.
What's all the excitement? Oh, my God, Robby! What are you doing here? Don't get a big head over this, but you take better care of me than Angela.
Hey, thanks, buddy.
Oh, and you have to pay the cabbie.
It was $275 to drop me off.
Probably a little more now.
(Chuckles) Hi.
Gotta get my wallet.
One sec.
Come on, let's go.
(Gasps) Yes! You look like you're new at this.
Yeah, well, it was a rough night.
Someone took my phone, then someone took my wallet.
Then I traded my shoes with someone who said they had my wallet, but I should have verified that first.
Share a burrito? Love to.
Things are looking up, though.
I can wrap these tennis shoes in some packing tape, they'll be good as new.
People said I couldn't hack it on my own.
What are you doing out here? Me? This woman tried to baby-sit me.
I said no way.
Good for you, shows you got an independent spirit.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it? I did the exact same thing as you 30 years ago, and look at my life.
Guys like us, we don't need no babysitters.
Nope.
Ugh, where did you buy this burrito? Buy it? I got it from the irregular bin behind the food service company.
Don't worry, those vending machine people have impossibly high standards.
Ugh, I'll never drink again.
(Laughing) Well, that's what everyone always says.
Hey, look, it might be good for you to be a little distracted in there, all right, shake it up a little bit, loosen you up, get you off your game.
I am willing to bet you're gonna do great in there.
Come on.
We did it! (Cheering) Yeah! Well, I'm glad betting isn't allowed at these things.
Oh, God, I was such a mess in there.
I was sweating and stammering Did I ask to buy a vowel? I liked the part where you drooled.
(Ron) Yeah, you know, you almost saved it when you started speaking in tongues.
(Adam) Hey, Gar.
Tough break in there.
Tough break? I embarrassed you guys.
Don't you want to kill me? Not as much as we did before.
Really? It was kind of nice to see Mr.
know-it-all fail so big.
You may not remember, because you passed out a couple of times, but the rest of us actually got a chance to do some debating.
Huh.
You want to ride back with us? There's room.
Thanks.
But I already have a ride.
Here we go.
Road trip! All right.
He shoots, he scores.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Oh, God, I hate these guys.
Don't look them in the eye-- they can read your thoughts.
Flowers for the lady? Nope.
Get away from the car.
Holy crap.
That's Brandon.
Brandon, get in here.
Oh, thank God it's you guys.
So, you'll buy my flowers? Open the windows.
Everyone open your windows.
(Angela) Hello? Is anyone out there? Hello? Oh! Hello.
Hello? Somebody in there? Yeah, it's Angela.
(Chuckling) Oh.
Oh, God, Ron.
(Sighs) Ron, I'm so sorry.
I lost your kids.
(Sobbing): I I don't even know what happened.
I just play it over and over in my head and oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Angela, baby.
(Chuckling) Oh.
Oh, as much as I would love to let you keep enjoying this hug, I-I got to tell you I got to tell you I got it under control.
Okay? The kids are safe.
(Gasps) How did you find them? Well, when you've been a dad for as many years as I have, you develop a certain fatherly instinct.
(Robby) Ron, watch me luge off the roof! Whoa, whoa! Stop right there, cowboy! Let me get the camcorder.