Spy (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Stuffed.
You want that? Your half-dribbled sausage? Yeah, well Well, I guess this is good-bye.
What do you mean? It's not good-bye.
Custody hearing is not till this afternoon.
I know, but we both know it's all over.
- It's not over.
- It's over.
- Tell him it's not over.
- Nah, it's definitely over.
I would like to say that I've enjoyed this time we spent together Oh, me too! I know we haven't No, please, let me finish.
I would like to say that, but I can't.
I still find you a staggeringly hebetudinous individual.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, that's not even a word, so.
You don't know what hebetudinous means? No, Marcus, no one does.
Oh, dear.
Well, anyway as they say on L.
A.
Law: See you in court.
- What a tool.
- Shut up! Just shut up! What's your problem? Do you have any idea what it's like to face losing a child? My parents only died when I was six, so no, please do tell me some more about abandonment.
- Your parents live in Sussex.
- Well, we don't speak.
No, you don't speak, Chris because you're incapable of having an adult relationship! I worked my behind off to improve my life.
I don't have a quarter of your inteligence.
Yeah, probably.
And what do you do with all this talent? Nothing.
You waste it away on a crappy dead end job picking stupid fights with stupid customers.
And do you want to know why? - No.
- Because you're scared.
And it's so much easier, isn't it, just to reject everything? Everyone.
Life.
Before life rejects you.
Oh, sorry I drifted off at the end there.
- Get out.
- Fine.
You're the last person I need around me today! You know what? Marcus is right.
You are hebetudinous.
Spy 01x06 Codename Portis Scan in progress.
I'm telling you, every time.
- Identified: Tim Elliott.
- See? What? No! Serious, that's never happened before.
Identified: Tim Elliott.
Okay gang, here we go.
Final exams! Come on start taking your places.
- Tim! A quick word.
- Sir! I have a proposition for you.
I am very grateful, but I don't want to go on holiday with you.
No no no.
Not that, no.
Every year we send one of our new recruits on secondment with the CIA, in exchange for one of their guys.
- You thought of me? - What do you say? Well, I can't give you an answer right now, I got my son's custody hearing this afternoon.
About that.
Are you sure you don't want my people to You know? - Absolutely positive.
- Okay.
- Consider it done.
- What? No! - No? - No! - But I thought said - Listen to me very carefully.
Do-not-shoot-my-ex-wife.
Is that understood? Relax! But apart from the kid you're good to go? Give you an answer by the end of the day.
Okay.
But the ferry in Tenerife is booked if you change your mind.
- Never going to happen.
- Perfect.
Let me know.
- What did he want? - Oh, it was nothing.
Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please, turn over your papers.
- Terrific.
- Bravo! Very moving.
Was it too much? - No way.
- Definitely not.
I don't want to alienate the judge.
Trust me, the court will lap it up.
So what's next? What do you reckon? Tim's cross-ex? No, I think we need to do more work on Judith's examination in chief.
I agree.
Okay, we got a case to win, people! Do you mind? - Well, I was sitting here first.
- Yeah.
Unbelievably rude.
- Sausage? - No, thanks.
Seems like a lifetime ago we first sat here.
Yeah.
And to think we now know 137 different ways to kill people.
We do.
And not just innocent bystanders.
Even the occasional bad guy.
Absolutely.
How do you think the hearing will go? - Well, you met Paula.
- Right.
I'm sure Marcus wants to stay with you more then he lets on.
Yeah.
I woke up this morning with him nailing a farewell banner to my roof.
You sure you don't want me to come with you? No, I'm fine.
I could poison some of the witnesses.
That's very sweet but no, really.
- Hey shouldn't you get going? - Yes, yes.
I Yeah, damn.
- What? - Nothing, it can wait.
No, come on, what is it? Okay, there's something I wanted to say.
To ask you, really.
- Yeah? - Okay, okay.
Um yeah, no.
Oh, it okay no, so.
Okay, well yeah, no, the thing is I think I know what the thing is.
- You do? - Yeah.
No, um I've been wanting to say, ask the same thing.
- Really? - Really.
- 'Cause that- that's good then.
- Yeah, It's good, isn't it? - So can we talk, later? - Absolutely.
- You promise? - Promise.
- Now go, you'll be late.
- Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah.
I dont- I'm not sure if I care.
- Tim, go.
- Okay.
Good luck.
- Need any help? - Yes, these scanners - Oh, it's you.
- Sorry? - You stay away from me.
- Don't know you.
So easy to mock me, isn't it, Mr.
Smarty Pants? Just because I don't know exactly which scanner to buy.
- Well, the XR-10 is a good model.
- How is it? Is it? Ah, well bad luck 'cause I'm not falling for you cynical ruse.
- No, honestly it's our best-seller.
- How dare you? I'm a strong independent man.
I control my environment.
How Are you even listening to me? No.
Good luck! Court rise! No way.
Are you kidding? That is hilarious.
That's madness.
Yeah.
Listen though, I should uh, Oi mate! Yeah, take care.
Bye.
Bye-bye, bye.
Yeah.
Wednesday, yeah.
Looking forward to.
Okay, bye, bye.
That was David it was just um, no, it doesn't matter.
Oki dok, everyone here? Yes, Sir.
Crikey, you don't have many supporters.
No, Sir.
- A bit screwed, aren't you? - I am now.
Wait! - Who are you? - I'm Mr.
Elliott's counselor.
Christopher Cecil Pitt-Goddard.
son of the Right Honorable Lord, Hugh D Goddard.
Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.
Sorry, I'm a bit over excited.
Cecil? Is this correct? Is Mr.
Pitt-Goddard your counselor? Yes, Sir.
Marvelous, let's get this party started! Bang! Mr.
Wilkes, shoot.
Take all the time you need.
I'm sorry, this is just such a difficult time for me.
A mother forced to battle for the love of her son.
It's awful.
It's so, so awful.
Shame on you, Sir! With respect, Your Honor.
My client being the father is equally distraught at having to negotiate for the affection of his only son.
Yes! Forgotten that, it's a good point.
One all.
- How am I doing? - I'm sorry? You know, I'm a bit out of practice.
I've been off for 10 months travelling in Indonesia with the family.
Tremendously rich country culturally.
- You been? - No, not yet.
Mr.
Goddard? Oh, um, I was an aid worker in the Palangkaraya district in '98.
Really? Get on with it, Mr.
Wilkes.
Idiot.
Please could you tell your findings the court, Ms.
Abdul.
Your name is Paula Abdul? Over the several weeks that I worked with the family it became increasingly clear to me that Mr.
Elliott was not capable of forming the emotional bonds necessary to be a satisfactory guardian for Marcus.
And so it's your recommendation that Marcus ought to live with his mother? Absolutely.
With immediate effect! Blimey.
another bull's eye your case, isn't it? Ms.
Abdul would you please remove your shirt? - What? - I object! Mr.
Goddard, I like to relax as much as the next man, but this is hardly a good time.
If you really indulge me, Sir, I will prove beyond doubt that Paula Abdul is in fact obsessed with my client, and as a result of him consistently rejecting her advances she is now seeking to punish him in the most grotesque way imaginable.
Nonsense.
Your Honor, I strongly object to this! - Come on, off with it.
- What? Don't you get uptight.
I tell you what, so you don't feel persecuted, I'll take my top off too.
Doesn't get any fairer than that, eh? May I get dressed now? What were you thinking? Turn around, please.
- Oh, bloody hell! - Wow! He's dead inside.
He doesn't know how to love! Yeah, well your evidence is like totally whatever right now.
This is ridiculous! Your Honor, Tim cannot offer the balance to homelife that Marcus needs.
Philip and I will provide the guidance of a father and a mother.
Tim has no one in his life.
No wife, no girlfriend, he is incapable of love.
But Your Honor, Tim is in love.
- Are you? - Am I? Tim is in love with a woman he works with, Caitlin Banks.
- Is this true? - I think so.
Sir, it is the best kind of love.
The kind of love you dare not admit to yourself in case you're mistaken.
A love born out of a friendship and the trust.
A love of which you're not even aware, until one day the very sight of her causes all the oxygen in your lungs to escape leaving your heart a vacuum.
And so it remains gasping until resuscitated by a simple smile.
Tim is capable of love, Sir.
Love for a women, love for a friend, and love for a son.
That was excellent! And tell me does this Caitlin, does she reciprocate? I don't know, I think so.
I haven't actually been able to tell her exactly how I feel.
- Well you must! - Yes, Sir.
- Now! - Right.
Um, we No, I've heard enough.
- Your Honor! - Shut your face, Wilkes.
Now I'll consider this matter and issue my judgement later today.
- Now go! - Thank you.
- Go! - Yes, right, no, going.
Yes! I still got it.
Go get her, Tim! Tim! Tim, this is Special Agent Portis.
- Special Agent? - CIA.
- Call me Marion.
- Why? - It's my name.
- Your name is Marion? Yeah, I know it's a little - Gay? - Unusual.
- Tim! - Sorry, just saying.
It's okay sweetie I hear them all before, I'm sure he is just kidding around.
- Well.
.
- And if he isn't I'll have to kill him.
Terrific.
Why is he keep kissing her? It's a remarkable story, isn't it? - Haven't told him yet? - Tell me what? - Can I tell it? - No! - No, Portis should.
- No, you tell it, honey.
- No, it's okay.
- Tell me the damn story! If you feel like it, I mean I'm easy.
Well I am I was on a deniable black ops mission in the Chenghuang district of Tibet, infiltrating the regional Chinese-backed administration.
United States government have been worried about the Chinese economy.
Sorry can we just skip to the capture and brutal torture? Well the good news is, I wasn't tortured.
You just roughly groped.
What? No.
Why would you say that? Sorry, I thought that's what you meant.
Absolutely not.
Good! Brilliant! I was held in captivity, unmolested for about 20 months - Twenty months.
- Until I eventually escaped - and walked - Walked! all the way to Nepal, and freedom.
I love that bit.
Incredible story, isn't it? It's an incredible story, it really is.
It is particularly incredible that I'm only hearing this for the first time now.
Portis was declared dead over a year ago.
Right, well, they were wrong about that, weren't they? They sure were! Sorry, so just to recap, um, how exactly did you two become friends? I'd say we have been more than friends.
It's so funny! Oh! How much more? - Well, we were - We were engaged, Tim.
What? - They were engaged.
- What do you think of that? All I can think right now is We have an intruder in the building! You know what to do, let's go! Come in! - Is this a bad time? - Rats! I don't know if you remember me from court.
Yes, of course.
And I'm really not allowed to discuss the case with you.
I understand, it's just I have some important new evidence which I think you need to take into consideration.
- What kind of evidence? - The best kind.
Exhibit 34B, My Lord.
I love my job so much.
Why are you being like this? I don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you angry with me? - Why would I be angry? One of my work acquaintances has just been reunited with the love of her life.
It's a glorious day! He's not the love of my life.
Well don't worry, I'm sure he'll love himself enough for the both of you.
Stop it.
I thought he was dead.
He was my fiancé and he died.
Can't you see I'm going a little bit crazy here? I really thought you of all people would understand.
Gosh.
How did the hearing go? You were going to tell me something before.
Tim.
What were you going to tell me? I don't remember, it's gone.
Well, maybe it'll come back to you, right? Maybe.
So is he going to live with you? Or you both going to move into his crystal fortress? - Don't be like that! - Sorry.
Seriously though, is his cape machine washable? All I can say is "wowwee.
" And now I assume I can expect another favourable judgement from you? Hm? On the case? I'm afraid I've already ridden of that.
What? Sorry didn't I make that clear? I have already sent it up to the senior judge for sign off.
I feel bad now.
- Please don't hurt me! - What the hell are you doing? - Caitlin? - You're pathetic.
No! I'm preparing an ambush! - Slut.
- Knob.
Armed police! Don't move! I'ts okay, I've got him now.
Crisis over.
CIA baby! So, let's see who we've got here.
Hey, hey! That was tremendous fun.
Well done, everyone.
Thanks, Portis.
And that Ladies and Gentlemen was your final test, and I'm delighted to say you've all passed.
Yeah! Well, everyone except Jackson.
I'd never liked you, Jackson, get out of my sight.
But for you Ladies and Gentlemen, congratulations.
You are now all officially MI5 agents! Yes! - Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- That was quite a - Hey, sweetie! Come over here! I'm just telling the guys how I won my third Purple Heart.
- I should probably - Yeah.
There is someone outside for you.
- Hey! - Hi! - Bad news.
- Afraid so.
You still have custody of the little toad.
What? Really? - Yeah.
- How come? Well, in light of Paula's less then expert testimony I made a section-94 application to have the hearing nullified.
Yes! I have no idea what that means.
It means that if you still want it Marcus will continue to live with you for the next six months until a new and hopefully sane family counsel gets a chance to assess you weirdos.
It's great.
Listen I have to say this, Tim.
It's highly unlikely you'll win permanent custody of Marcus.
So you should consider now what's best for you as well as what's best for him.
Tim? Yeah, no, I understand.
You never told me you're a lawyer.
I never told you a lot of things.
- Oh, how did the exam go? - Yeah, I passed.
Congratulations! Agent Elliott.
Nah, it isn't quite - I'll see you later.
- Word.
Chris! Thanks.
You did well today.
Thank you, Sir.
- You're good with a weapon.
- Thanks.
- Very arousing.
- Bit weird.
You have an answer for me? Can I tell the CIA you're on your way? - Is he staying? - Portis? Yeah.
He's attached to this branch for the foreseeable.
I think I have an answer for you.
Are you just going to stand there all day? Hm? Put the suitcase down, you look like a demented bell boy.
Alrighty.
- How was the holiday? - It wasn't a holiday.
No, I know.
It was an archaeological dig at the Mycenaean ruins of Atreus.
No, I know.
I got the postcards.
I didn't send you anything.
Must have been Philip.
Really don't want to talk about Philip.
- No offense, Philip! - Kanéna próvlima.
- What? - That's "No problem" in Greek.
Shut up, Philip.
- What's for supper, Tim? - Uh, lamb tajine! - I'm vegetarian.
- Since when? Since the meat industry started dealing in wanton barbarism.
Right.
Well it is late, I suppose you could just rustle me up uhm a celeriac and spinach quiche? Yeah, I don't think I have any of those things.
You seriously going to make me live here again? You know the deal, Marcus, hang in there, won't be for long.
- Make a note of the quiche.
- No quiche, check.
Sorry, came up something.
Come on let's go.
Páre me tiléfono, eh? - No.
- No.
I can make you something else? Forget it.
I'll go around to Justine's.
I think they're having risotto alla milanese tonight.
Right.
Good to have you back, Marcus.
I only wish the feeling would mutual.